THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED........

• Mistake : ( a ) something your partner makes but never you  ( b) choosing to partner someone inferior to yourself  , and ( c )  calling an opponent " a cheat " who happens to have a fearsome temper and a lethal left hook
• Frigid : ( a ) an alternative term of reference to a contract which cannot be beaten if played with even a modicum of skill , or ( b ) an apt description of a woman who claims to be your partner but wont let you anywhere near her
• Cold :  ( a ) an apt description of the shoulder you get when making advances towards a frigid partner, or ( b ) the kind of look you receive from your team-mates when your abysmal scorecard was responsible for losing the match 
• Grand slam : the action taken by an extremely pissed off player when leaving the building in a state of absolute distress , using the door to vent his/her spleen
• Ace : a player renown for piloting a flying bridgemate with genuine expertise , being able to carry out airborne attacks with precision , accuracy and skill 
• Nepotism : the basis on which bridge committees are formed , which involves family members and friends working together to consolidate their power base to the exclusion of all others 
• AGM voters : ordinary members who experience the sacred privilege of voting onto committee the only candidate named on the ballot paper for each particular post or office up for grabs
• Zero tolerance : a god sent philosophy by which those in power , with axes to grind , are given limitless opportunities to sever the scrawny neck of any undesirable member the moment he raises his ugly head about the parapet
• Secretary : an appointed officer with a roving commission to lie
• Minutes : the equivalent of painting a snow covered landscape on a white canvass
• Danger card : one which you quickly regret playing after seeing your enraged partner head off to the kitchen for a sharp knife
• Hesitation : a crude and obvious ploy of taking one's time before making a bid , with the specific aim of giving partner additional information about your hand
• Singleton : having just one card in a suit which you are obliged to hesitate over before playing it , in a blatant attempt to convince the opponents you had others to choose from
• Table talk :  a foolish practice which amounts to aiding and abetting bat-eared cheaters, desperate to secure crucial information about hands they are about to play 
• Off-centre bids :  lies which have not cut their teeth : the arrogant,  undisciplined player's approach to blending part truth with deception
• Bridge : originally intended as a social and friendly game for humans ,  which has now become the battlefield for cheating dogs , predatory sharks , spiteful cats and rampaging hogs
• Overbidding :  the hideous and dangerous practice of winning a competitive auction at any cost , so popular with those reviled for showing off , or being selfish hogs never happy unless they are declarer 
• Shenanigans :  what any self-serving committee gets up to in the pursuit of carrying out their personal agendas , grudges , and vendettas