THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED............

• Smugness :  the joyous sensation which arises from heaping misery on an opponent , who has fallen victim on two consecutive boards to your outrageous psychs
• Hatred : a sentiment directed at an unhelpful , pompous , unsympathetic TD
• Numpty : a member of a large breed of rabbits who are oblivious to the fact that they are hopeless at bridge
• Bridge classes : usually run and conducted by those with questionable bridge know-how: a classic example of the blind leading the blind 
• Hand : a singular bony instrument at the end of a player's arm ideally suited for thrusting into the face of an irritating opponent
• Magic : having ended up in a ridiculously overbid contract , this mystical art is employed to help engineer tricks out of nothing , thereby achieving success against all expectations of defeat 
• Psych : a wicked and blatant lie revered by those who slag off their parties for any bidding errors they make ,  no matter how insignificant or small 
• Sponsored pro : hired for his professional expertise he keeps one hand in his client's pocket making sure the other is free during play to thump the table in abject despair
• Injustice : the unfortunate consequence of bidding and playing a contract with divine inspiration and skill , only to register a complete bottom on the board in question
• Self-proclaimed expert : a player so lost in rapturous contemplation of his presumed talents that he is fails to see how others have labelled him  " a numpty "  
• Nose : the extreme outpost of the face most at risk from a dive-bombing attack by the fast approaching flying bridgemate
• Acol : an obsolete and inadequate bidding system for the demands of the modern game but one which is still used in the UK by those renown for their stubborn refusal to embrace new ideas and change
• Nagging : a verbal assault of the ears , the incessant beating of the ear drums, being the irrefutable proof that bridge is not the social and friendly game it is claimed to be
• Disciplinary hearing : a cynical exercise from which the outcome , a foregone conclusion, is the product of closed minds , narrow thinking , baseless pre-judgements and shameless bias