THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED YET AGAIN.......

• Male : a club member of the opposing ,  or should I say , unfairer sex
• Chairman's report : a well crafted document which always reveals the exquisite art of persuading fools to accept that all black things are really white 
• Field : a place where boorish bidders trot out porkies in order to hog the contracts and play
• Bridge club : a venue more in keeping with a pantomime or theatre of the absurd , where men and women desperately seek to upstage one another throughout the entire play
• Aim : what should always be taken prior to the launch of a missile or flying bridgemate
• Table money : a flat-rate payment based on occupation of property : similar in principle to that of the discredited poll tax 
• Disobedience : acts perpetrated by brave and courageous members who refuse to submit to the stifling and crippling demands to behave in a totally passive , compliant and subservient way
• Advice : what every bridge loves to offer another , irrespective of its value , worth or credibility
• Laughter : a natural human instinct totally suppressed and outlawed in bridge clubs where zero tolerance policies have been mercilessly enforced
• Hurry : a notion or concept which is a complete anathema to the legions of slow players that blight this noble game of bridge
• Cock-up : for the majority of players it is an outcome they fear and dread the most , whilst for others it is the best way imaginable to round off an excellent evening of bridge
• Gross misconduct : an offence next up in line ( in degree of enormity ) to a slight. An example of this would be the airborne movement of a bridgemate across the table involving take-off and landing
• Absurdity : the incredulous belief held by numerous players that they can actually play bridge , which is manifestly inconsistent with their results
• Investigation committee : a hand-picked group of people committed to provide evidence and approval for a course of action already decided upon by the chairman
• Mercy : an attribute long lost by those who  with unrelenting ferocity administer and enforce zero tolerance policies
• Apology : a hollow , cunningly contrived  statement , given by an offending player simply to lay down the foundations for a future offence