YET ANOTHER AMAZING BUT TRUE STORY.....( By Bridgemeister Gibson ) 


A psychology professor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving out an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression , he asked " How would you diagnose a person who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute , then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next ? A geeky looking young man on the edge of the front row raised his hand and answered " someone who plays bridge ".                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             

NEWSFLASH : THE BENIGN BRIDGE CLUB ( USA ) CLAIM THAT THEIR NEW POLICING INITIATIVE HAS BEEN A RESOUNDING SUCCESS 

Under the revamped terms of their sub-zero tolerance policy , uniformed bridge police have been introduced into the club to help the beleaguered directors sort out unruly , foul-mouthed , disrespectful members.
By patrolling the aisles during play , these enforcement officers have proceeded to crack down hard on any member guilty of even whispering an insult , derogatory remark or out-of-order comment at another person in the room. Without any hesitation the bridge police  have frog-marched the culprits away from the playing area only to be given ultimatums : pay an on-the-spot £50 fine , or be unceremoniously chucked out of the club.
If an offender ,  who has already paid one fine, then foolishly repeats the error of his ways later on , the ultimatum now becomes " pay an on-the-spot £100 fine , or be ejected from the club out of a second floor window " .  
Not surprisingly this bold new initiative has been a resounding success. Bridge at the club is currently being played in an atmosphere of total quietness , in which members now behave like pious monks , as though they have been sworn to vows of absolute silence. Moreover , the club has increased its weekly revenue by well over 700% . Indeed , many of the persistent loud-mouthed , nasty-minded reprobates have left the club unable to pay the ever-increasing fines. In one case a particularly gobby member had been ordered to pay £1600 for his sixth offence.  So when he declined to do so ,  the bridge police had no qualms about slinging him off the roof of the building.
As a consequence of this initiative the club is looking into two more money-making initiatives, such as offering insurance for injuries incurred by those who have been slung out ( or off ) the building , along with specialist legal advice on wills.

BRIDGE BOOKS FOR THOSE WHO CARE ABOUT THE FUTURE OF THE GAME....... ( Like Pun )

• Rudeness At The Tables ?  Call In The Bridge Police................L. O. Hellow
• I'm Going To Report Your Rudeness To The Committee............C. F. I. Kair
• If He Gets Half A Chance He'll Peek At Your Cards..................B. D. Hyde
• Appealing Against The Committee's Decision Is Pointless........Y. B. Bothard
• What !  You Expect The Committee To Reinstate You ?............U. R. Kidding
• You Want Me To Help You Get Back Into This Club ?.................F. N. L. Mann
• As Chairman I've Received Dozens Of Poison Pen Letters.........M. T. Thretts
• What Goes On In This Club I Always Get To Know About.............I. C. Hall
• Many Will Turn Up To The EGM With Only One Objective.............Ray Sinell 
• How Do I Feel When An Expert Outbids And Outplays Me ?........N. V. Forshaw

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED.............

• Ace  :   the name given to a crack flying bridgemate pilot
• Fog of uncertainty : what the average bridge player finds himself in at the table
• Psyche : a bid born out of boredom and/or mischief , which is a complete lie
• Post mortem : a wonderful opportunity to transfer the blame for a wretched board onto your innocent partner
• Partner : one of the three opponents you are up against , always the most formidable and unpredictable
• Claim : a time saving device by which declarer can win all the remaining tricks purely on his/her say so 
• No trump sign off : a fall back denomination when two squabbling players can't agree on a suit contract 
• Mistake : a concept which never applies to experts , who of course can only succumb to minor errors of judgement 
• Flair : a term to describe the pure logic experts employ to successfully play out a hand , which is way beyond the comprehension of the amateurs looking on
• TNT : ( i ) an acronym for the total number of tricks ( ii ) what you would like to ignite under the chair of your inept and hapless partner

FAILING PARTNERSHIPS : KNOWING WHEN TO CALL IT A DAY............. ( Article by Carp )

Many partnerships just like marriages end in divorce on the grounds of an irretrievable breakdown. In some cases players can get through partners on a yearly basis , in the hope and belief that the perfect one will come along tomorrow. Indeed , some short-lived partnerships don't even make it beyond the initial honeymoon period , such is the acute impatience of players who possess huge egos and unrealistic expectations.
However , what is an irrefutable truth is that every partnership has its up and downs.  The majority of players ( thank God ) sensibly realise that these oscillations are inevitable given the way in which the fickle finger of fate can operate. Results at bridge depend far more at what has gone on at other tables rather than what has happened at yours. 
Nevertheless , when results go against you the partnership does come under pressure , and relationships can suffer as a consequence. So is it possible for relationships to sink to such depths where the prospect of recovery is nil ?  Sadly , the answer is yes. This scenario occurs when the relationship is tainted by the foul whiff of contempt. Whether it comes from you , or at you , that is the moment when the partnership is in doomed . This is the moment to call it a day and move on to pastures new.
Contempt is the most corrosive of all emotions. It transcends sarcastic jibes , or cutting remarks such as " partner....you played that hand like a moron " . Moreover , there is no disguising the contempt which is always etched into player's facial expression. Often , this look is accompanied by a brief sneer , followed by an eye roll to complement a tiny almost imperceptible lift of the top lip on the left side of the mouth . The contemptuous sneer therefore is a dead giveaway that the partnership is in its death throes and can never recover. 
Contempt might well manifest itself in thinly disguised albeit witty put downs or acidic humour. At the other extreme ,  contempt will be the bitter icing on a cake laced apocalyptic criticism . Such an attack will be made against the person rather than the ineptness of a particular bid or play of the cards. In each case at its root there is unbridled anger and disdain , where one player attempts to pronounce superiority over the other through actions designed to be mocking and divisive.
Whether a player is dishing it out or is on the receiving end , contempt is a killer. There is nothing else quite so destructive to partnership harmony and mutual respect. It is without doubt an extreme form of verbal and psychological abuse , both belittling and demeaning in every way.
So my advice is this. If you are in a partnership which is already showing signs of negative behaviour  patterns , bail out before contempt sets in. So what if you say goodbye to a cracking good player , your self confidence and sanity must surely come first. Look for a partner who is far more forgiving and accepting of who you are and how you play the game.

EVEN MORE BRIDGE BOOKS FOR OBESE PLAYERS TO FEAST AND GORGE UPON.......( As recommended by Pun )

• My Club Spent A Fortune Just To Get Rid Of Member...................Sacha Horfall-Waist
• My Partner Seems To Drop One Clanger After Another.................Belle Ringer
• I'll Show You How To Make All Thirteen Tricks On This Hand.........Lowen  B. Holde
• What To Do If Someone Accuses You Of Cheating ........................Lyle Ike Adog
• The Day Bigot-Johnson Turned Up To The Club Stark Naked..........Noah Parell
• Before The Start Of Play Everyone Must Recite The ZT Creed.........Dewey Hafter
• Winning At Bridge Requires Going In For The Kill.............................Drew Blood 
• To Stay A Winner Simply Means Going On A Killing Spree.............Andrew Moreblood 
• There's One Player Who I Find Most Intimidating And Scary............Denise Arnocken
• Partner , If You Must Insult Me Then Please Do So Quietly................Danielle Soloud
• ZT Policies Need To Be Robustly And Religiously Enforced.............Bess B. Haver 
• What's Needed To Insult Partner And Amuse All Bystanders............Ray P. R. Whit

MORE OF BIGOT'S DARK AND SINFUL PAST COMES TO LIGHT..........

CAN WE KEEP THE TROPHY PLEASE ?...... ( Article by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

Imagine this scenario : a team representing their country qualify in a regional event for the world championship finals , which as it happens they go on to win. Then it transpires that in the qualifying round one pair had now been exposed as cheats , although they didn't take part in the finals. The team which did take part played with great skill , honesty and integrity and were worthy winners. Should this team be stripped of their title and be forced to return the trophy ?
The answer must be a resounding YES.
No matter how hard it appears to be for the members of the winning team to forfeit their title, imagine how hard it is for the runners up in the qualifier to know that cheating had robbed them of a place in the finals. But the harsh reality is this. If the cheating incidents had come to light before the final , the team would have been disqualified straightaway with the runners up taking their place. Indeed the discredited team  had no legitimate right to participate , because there has to be a fundamental requirement that participation for the finals was honestly earned. So even if the cheating incidents came to light after the finals , then disqualification can and must be RETROSPECTIVELY implemented. In these circumstances all the results involving the discredited team should automatically be made null and void , with new winners duly declared. 
So yes , this particular history book has to be rewritten with the trophy handed back. 
    

BRIDGE BOOKS SO FEW PEOPLE EVEN KNOW ABOUT..... ( Except for Pun of course )

• I Would Never Dare Cheat In Big Tournaments.............................Freida B. N. Court
• Why Do I Always Find Myself In Sticky Situations ?.... ................Mabel Sirrup
• If You Call Me A Cheat Then Suffer The Consequences...............Sue U. Forshore
• Don't Let Countless Bottoms Get You Down................................Troy Ardour 
• Thank God The Club Is Being Run By Sensible People................Lester Worryabout
• What Makes A Partner So Wonderfully Compatible ?...................Dick Fitzwell 
• This Is The Second Time He's Denied Being A Cheat..................Eli Dagane
• Why Is It That Members Call Me A Snivelling Wretch ?..................Ron . E. Nose
• What Does It Matter If You Keep On Losing ?................................Carrie Henri-Gardless
• Partnering Top Class Players Is So Rewarding.............................Benny Fishall
• OK Then  Partner I'll Tell You What's On My Mind !.........................Barry McCokinue 
• Yes Director He Did Insult The Oppo But Then He Scarpered........Sawyer Cummin 

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED......................

• Calamity :  a painful reminder that incurring 800+ penalty doubles are far more costly than letting the opponents quietly make their vulnerable games
• Bore : a player who loves the sound of his/her voice
• Congratulations : hollow and insincere words of praise offered to the winners by the grief stricken desperately unlucky runners up
• Chairman : a ingenious devil who covers secretly made decisions with the pretence of arriving at them through open discussion and debate during a full committee meeting
• Letter of complaint : an opportunity to knife someone in the back by alleging a wrongdoing which was in fact engineered by the complainant him/herself : an outpouring of venom and hate in writing 
• Accountability : an admirable but missing requirement for those who take up key posts in committee
• Partner : a term associated with being an accomplice to a crime, which usually relates to cheating at the table ( or backing up false allegations outlined in letters of complaint ) 
• Diplomacy : the art of lying to save one's skin by casting the blame elsewhere
• Eavesdropping : an intelligence gathering exercise commonly used by unscrupulous bridge players who seek to profit from any loose table gossip about hands just played
• Folly : turning a resolvable dispute into years of protracted litigation , bitter recriminations and crippling unrecoverable costs , leaving the lawyers as the only beneficiaries of such reckless spending 
• Insult : a cutting remark next in degree of enormity to a slight 
• Experience : the wisdom that enables a player to repeat the same mistake again in the belief that this time the anti-percentage odds will be in his/her favour 
• Applause : stage managed responses to grand announcements made by committee officers at AGMs 
• Defamation : what happens when a member seizes an opportunity to lie about another before issuing an apology , which of course has no chance at all of restoring the victim's reputation
• Consultation : an irritating requirement to include the ordinary members in the decision making process. This involves listening to members' disapproval and concerns before adopting a course of action which has already been decided upon months before 

NEWSFLASH :  THIS WEEK'S DISCIPLINARY  HEARING AT THE WALNUT TREE ALLOTMENT SOCIETY BC HEADQUARTERS SEES BIGOT-JOHNSON BEING TRIED FOR CHEATING

(  The following extract from the hearing's transcript involves the chairman and Bigot-Johnson almost coming to blows in a bitter and acrimonious exchange )

Chairman (C) : Bigot....you're nothing but a despicable cheat !
B-J : Why don't you step outside and repeat that remark
C : No.... I'll stay inside if you don't mind....it's raining
B-J :  You sir are a coward and a tosser , who knows nothing about the game.... having little or no evidence at all to back up these false and scurrilous accusations about my unholy table tactics
C : Oh..... but we do have evidence of your underhand tactics.... because we've got a hand that clearly exposes your cheating shenanigans
B-J : WHAT hand was this ?
C :  Board 13
B-J : Ah yes.....that was the one which effectively won me the trophy. Indeed , I was the only one who managed to take the 6S contract off 
C : Exactly ! And that was all down to the fact that you and your partner were secretly exchanging information about the length of your shortest suits .....especially in relation to having a singleton or void
B-J : Absolute rubbish
C : You were dealt :  A.....AKQxxx....xxxx...xx
B-J : That is correct...
C : And your RHO opened 1D to which you overcalled 2H. Then your LHO doubled , showing the two other suits ,  and although your partner jumped to 4H .... your RHO with a slam in mind bid 4NT. So the moment he discovered that partner held two key cards in the black suits he went straight to 6S  
B-J : Yes...a contract which I promptly DOUBLED !
C : So how come you lead a diamond .....which happened to be the only way this contract could be beat .....by finding partner with a stiff ?
B-J : Yes ....that's what happens when he gets excited...but you do have to admit that lead was purely inspirational 
C : No .....it wasn't inspirational......it was based on unauthorised information passed over to you during the auction . Any sane player would have put the Ace of hearts down if only to get a look a dummy.....and to avoid any risk of partner's honour holding in the minors being swallowed up.
B-J : I didn't like the idea of leading a top heart......especially since I knew declarer would be ruffing it......so the choice was a club or a diamond
C : Then why a diamond......and not a club
B-J : Didn't fancy a club
C : Why was that ?
B-J : Instinct 
C : And why the double ?
B-J : Because 6S wasn't making
C: But how did you know ?
B-J : Instinct
C: Instinct ?
B-J : I can always tell .....or should I say smell......a singleton when it's lurking about
C : Explain
B-J : Well, whenever an opponent bids a suit in which my partner holds a singleton his little pinkie immediately stands upright
C : I've heard enough......you Bigot are banned for cheating.....and partner will also get banned for his outrageous finger signalling