LAW REPORT : BOYLES v. BIGOT-JOHNSON (2015)
Yet again Bigot was up before a court of law for the constructive expulsion of a member , by virtue of refusing him entry into the club on every occasion he turned up to play. As usual Bigot elected to present his own defence , and a short extract from the trial's transcript appears below.
Counsel for the plaintiff (CP) : Please enlighten me Bigot as to why you refused to allow my client .....a fully paid up member ......into the club house , to play the game he so dearly loved ?
B-J : Boyle wasn't dressed properly ....
CP : Excuse me ? ....I have it on good authority that my client dresses in a very smart and dapper way , renown for his excellent taste in top-of-the-range designer clothes
B-J : Listen bird brain......have you not read the club's by-laws and regulations , where under the section headed " Dress code " , there is a rule which categorically states ....." male members must wear a shirt and tie for an evening event , and failure to do so forfeits their right of entry ".The committee are in total agreement with me that the club's dress code needs to be rigorously enforced , in order to (a) deter riff raff from ever joining the club , and (b) to create a refined atmosphere inside the club in keeping with the majesty and splendour of this great and noble game
CP : Yes....yes....I am fully aware of such a rule but my client was unable to wear a tie...because as you well know he has a long term persistent skin complaint .....called psoriasis....of the face and neck
B-J : Rules are rules.....with no exceptions.......otherwise to make an exception for him would simply open the floodgates for others to find medical reasons for not wearing a tie
CP : I sorry but your refusal to make an exception in his case smacks of blatant discrimination against members with serious albeit unfortunate medical conditions. Why ...wasn't it a few months ago you refused entry to a member....simply because he was not wearing the stipulated " black leather shoes "
B-J : Correct....
CP : Yet according to several witness statements he was abiding by this rule
B-J : No he wasn't.....he was wearing only one black leather shoe....for the simple reason he had only one leg......... having recently lost the other in an unfortunate work's accident. Nevertheless the rules stipulated shoes in the plural .....and we as a committee implement these rules to the letter
CP : Bigot ....these dress code rules are inflexible , brutal and unforgiving.....completely devoid of offering sympathy , empathy and concern for members who fall victim to both accidents and misfortune
B-J : Rules are rules....
Judge : And in this court I make them. Thankfully , I have come to a decision. You Bigot must immediately change the club's dress code policy in order to reinstate Boyle as a member , allowing him to enter the premises whenever he wants..... without a tie...... to play his favourite game
B-J : This is an outrage...
Judge : Or if you refuse.....I am going to award Boyle £50,000 damages to cover the loss of this amenity , along with all the disappointment and emotional distress he has recently experienced. Your ultra strict interpretation of the rules , so often seen in clubs which adopt zero tolerance policies , represents an unlawful failure to make reasonable adjustments for mitigating medical factors......such as serious skin problems, necks supported by braces and breathing difficulties....
B-J : That's needless pandering..........
Wednesday, 29 April 2015
NEWSFLASH : BIGOT-JOHNSON'S SPOKESMAN , BILLY GOATIER , RESPONDS TO THE EBU's CLAIM THAT ZERO TOLERANCE POLICIES WILL HELP STEM THE TIDE OF BRIDGE CLUB MEMBERS GIVING UP THE GAME FOR GOOD......
( Who the hell wants to play bridge in a place where no one can say boo to a goose......or call a cheat " a filthy low down cheating dog " ? )
( Who the hell wants to play bridge in a place where no one can say boo to a goose......or call a cheat " a filthy low down cheating dog " ? )
Monday, 27 April 2015
NEWSFLASH : ACBL DISTRICT BOARD COMMITTEE MEMBERS COME UNDER FIRE FOR FINANCIAL IRREGULARITIES.....
It seems that voiced concerns fell on deaf ears as evidenced by this secretly recorded conversation.
Aggrieved club member (ACM) : Hey you Chairman.....what all this about you.... and other committee members.... claiming expenses from club funds on items used for personal recreation , entertainment and gain ?
Chairman (C) : Sorry....but I didn't get the gist of that
ACM : ...WHAT ALL THIS ABOUT YOU...... AND YOUR CRONIES..... CLAIMING EXPENSES FROM CLUB FUNDS ON ITEMS USED FOR PERSONAL RECREATION , ENTERTAINMENT AND GAIN ?
C : I'm so sorry.......I didn't catch any of that.....I can't make out what you are saying at all
ACM ; Heavens above .......you really need to have your ears seen to
C : You're right.....I can't do my job properly with a hearing impediment. If it means taking another $2000 from the club's coffers to cover the initial down payment ......on the latest state-of-the-art cochlear implant......then so be it. Thank you for your kind suggestion
It seems that voiced concerns fell on deaf ears as evidenced by this secretly recorded conversation.
Aggrieved club member (ACM) : Hey you Chairman.....what all this about you.... and other committee members.... claiming expenses from club funds on items used for personal recreation , entertainment and gain ?
Chairman (C) : Sorry....but I didn't get the gist of that
ACM : ...WHAT ALL THIS ABOUT YOU...... AND YOUR CRONIES..... CLAIMING EXPENSES FROM CLUB FUNDS ON ITEMS USED FOR PERSONAL RECREATION , ENTERTAINMENT AND GAIN ?
C : I'm so sorry.......I didn't catch any of that.....I can't make out what you are saying at all
ACM ; Heavens above .......you really need to have your ears seen to
C : You're right.....I can't do my job properly with a hearing impediment. If it means taking another $2000 from the club's coffers to cover the initial down payment ......on the latest state-of-the-art cochlear implant......then so be it. Thank you for your kind suggestion
Sunday, 19 April 2015
DR.JOHN'S CASE NOTES : THE RORSCHACH SYNDROME
Once this particular syndrome presents itself , bridge players immediately develop the disturbing habit of complaining about others sitting at their table , even though they may be innocent of alleged offensive behaviour or making rude remarks.
Victims of the Rorschach Syndrome lose the ability to see things as they really are. They develop a nasty habit of providing a completely different , albeit incorrect , version of an incident , with a view to getting others into serious trouble. These factual distortions , gross exaggerations and lies are all based on what they think they saw and heard , as opposed to what actually took place.
If the syndrome is present in more than one witness to an incident , then each complaint which comes will be substantially different , in that various allegations will be made on an alternative interpretations of the same incident , reflecting a completely different set of lies. When multiple complaint letters come in about alleged misconduct , there is never a consensus as to what wrongdoing has taken place because imagination has taken over from accurate memory and recall of the facts.
One example of the syndrome at work was when a player , who simply moved a bridgemate across a table for others to see , found himself being accused of assault . Two of players at the table had already been diagnosed as acute sufferers , and so it came as no surprise when one alleged that the bridgemate had been thrown at him with considerable force , while the other alleged that it had been used like a hand-held brick to flatten his partner's nose.
Psychoanalysts the world over have for years established bridge players as being severely acute sufferers , when compared to any other group of people. When players at Nottingham BC were asked to stare at a sheet of paper with a smudged ink blot in the middle , a multitude of answers came back as to what image it depicted. Those free of the syndrome gave answers which were innocent and had much in common. The Rorschach sufferers came back with their unique lurid , violent and sexually explicit interpretations , reflecting in the process the darker side of their personalities, and their extremely warped and twisted imaginations.
This recent bit of research , carried out by the Nottingham University Psychology Department revealed two things : (i) the high proportion of bridge club members with this disturbing syndrome , and (ii ) how the answers given by the syndrome victims revealed so much more about their inner demons , than any deep or probing interview could possibly achieve.
Once this particular syndrome presents itself , bridge players immediately develop the disturbing habit of complaining about others sitting at their table , even though they may be innocent of alleged offensive behaviour or making rude remarks.
Victims of the Rorschach Syndrome lose the ability to see things as they really are. They develop a nasty habit of providing a completely different , albeit incorrect , version of an incident , with a view to getting others into serious trouble. These factual distortions , gross exaggerations and lies are all based on what they think they saw and heard , as opposed to what actually took place.
If the syndrome is present in more than one witness to an incident , then each complaint which comes will be substantially different , in that various allegations will be made on an alternative interpretations of the same incident , reflecting a completely different set of lies. When multiple complaint letters come in about alleged misconduct , there is never a consensus as to what wrongdoing has taken place because imagination has taken over from accurate memory and recall of the facts.
One example of the syndrome at work was when a player , who simply moved a bridgemate across a table for others to see , found himself being accused of assault . Two of players at the table had already been diagnosed as acute sufferers , and so it came as no surprise when one alleged that the bridgemate had been thrown at him with considerable force , while the other alleged that it had been used like a hand-held brick to flatten his partner's nose.
Psychoanalysts the world over have for years established bridge players as being severely acute sufferers , when compared to any other group of people. When players at Nottingham BC were asked to stare at a sheet of paper with a smudged ink blot in the middle , a multitude of answers came back as to what image it depicted. Those free of the syndrome gave answers which were innocent and had much in common. The Rorschach sufferers came back with their unique lurid , violent and sexually explicit interpretations , reflecting in the process the darker side of their personalities, and their extremely warped and twisted imaginations.
This recent bit of research , carried out by the Nottingham University Psychology Department revealed two things : (i) the high proportion of bridge club members with this disturbing syndrome , and (ii ) how the answers given by the syndrome victims revealed so much more about their inner demons , than any deep or probing interview could possibly achieve.
Friday, 17 April 2015
THE PROBLEM WITH INTERNAL DISCIPLINARY APPEAL PANELS............... ( Article By Professor HU Chi Ku Chi )
The usual selection process involves the chairman of the committee exercising his/her power to nominate " the candidates from which the appeal panel will be chosen " , the proviso being that they are experienced , well respected , long serving club members . The appellant of course is able to lodge objections against certain individuals , and so replacement names should be substituted to make up the final list from which the panelists will be randomly chosen.
However this power provides the chairman with an extraordinary and often insuperable advantage. By having the knowledge about certain club members, and where their loyalties lie , this blessed insight can't help but influence the chairman's choice of names put forward for selection. If the chairman considers some members to be committee supporters , the likelihood of them being nominated is very high indeed. If on the other hand certain members are known to be sympathetic towards the appellant , these undesirables might well be overlooked and omitted from the candidate list. This is the obvious way by which the committee can secure a crucial edge even before the appeal hearing takes place.
Moreover , restricting the list to experienced , well respected , long serving club members often excludes those who are new to the club and far more likely to be impartial, along with those who possess the necessary legal skills to understand the nature of their judicial function, involving complex and difficult legal issues. If a panel has such shortcomings, major problems will arise. Will they have a real understanding of what amounts to alleged breaches of natural justice , procedural flaws in the initial stages of the disciplinary process , and whether or not the club has acted in an ultra vires way ( this requires of course a full grasp and correct interpretation of the club's by-laws and regulations ) ? Clearly , this is a tall order but one which needs to be met if the appeal is to be properly carried out. Distinctions also need to be made by the panel as to determine what is admissible and inadmissible evidence.
Although usually well-intentioned , the panelists are often unsure of themselves ( or their role ) in such unfamiliar settings. For instance , if one of them was to state in writing , weeks before the scheduled hearing , that " I agree with the committee's decision to ban you " , then such an unfortunate remark smacks of real incompetence and lack of integrity on his/her part.
However , the biggest problem regarding panel selection involves finding candidates who not only know their role , but who can carry it out with the required degree of impartiality and fairness. Given that impartiality is a principle of justice , whereby decisions should be based on objective criteria , to what extent is this possible when the human condition is prone to succumb to personal bias , prejudice or the desire to benefit one person over another for improper reasons ?
The quest to ensure a measure of impartiality surely requires the scrutinising of relationships the panelist are known to have with existing committee members and/or the appellant. All too often the panelists are not strangers to the individuals involved , and therefore must have established personal opinions about them. Members should not be nominated for panel selection if close relationships , friendships and existing feuds come to light. Indeed , members approached for selection should be asked to declare any known bias or prejudices held against committee members or the appellant. Indeed , it is an undeniable fact that any degree of bias can lead to panelists rejecting the strong evidence and weighty arguments introduced by one side , choosing instead to favour the flimsy evidence and shallow arguments introduced by the other side. Old prejudices which always lurk in the background of people's minds will often surface to distort their ability to be impartial and fair.
So it seems to me the sensible way forward when dealing with the thorny problems of disciplinary appeals is to call in " outsiders with the necessary legal expertise " and pay the costs involved. Impartiality is more than likely going to be achieved , and the decisions made will then be based on an objective analysis of the facts in relation to established principles of law.
The usual selection process involves the chairman of the committee exercising his/her power to nominate " the candidates from which the appeal panel will be chosen " , the proviso being that they are experienced , well respected , long serving club members . The appellant of course is able to lodge objections against certain individuals , and so replacement names should be substituted to make up the final list from which the panelists will be randomly chosen.
However this power provides the chairman with an extraordinary and often insuperable advantage. By having the knowledge about certain club members, and where their loyalties lie , this blessed insight can't help but influence the chairman's choice of names put forward for selection. If the chairman considers some members to be committee supporters , the likelihood of them being nominated is very high indeed. If on the other hand certain members are known to be sympathetic towards the appellant , these undesirables might well be overlooked and omitted from the candidate list. This is the obvious way by which the committee can secure a crucial edge even before the appeal hearing takes place.
Moreover , restricting the list to experienced , well respected , long serving club members often excludes those who are new to the club and far more likely to be impartial, along with those who possess the necessary legal skills to understand the nature of their judicial function, involving complex and difficult legal issues. If a panel has such shortcomings, major problems will arise. Will they have a real understanding of what amounts to alleged breaches of natural justice , procedural flaws in the initial stages of the disciplinary process , and whether or not the club has acted in an ultra vires way ( this requires of course a full grasp and correct interpretation of the club's by-laws and regulations ) ? Clearly , this is a tall order but one which needs to be met if the appeal is to be properly carried out. Distinctions also need to be made by the panel as to determine what is admissible and inadmissible evidence.
Although usually well-intentioned , the panelists are often unsure of themselves ( or their role ) in such unfamiliar settings. For instance , if one of them was to state in writing , weeks before the scheduled hearing , that " I agree with the committee's decision to ban you " , then such an unfortunate remark smacks of real incompetence and lack of integrity on his/her part.
However , the biggest problem regarding panel selection involves finding candidates who not only know their role , but who can carry it out with the required degree of impartiality and fairness. Given that impartiality is a principle of justice , whereby decisions should be based on objective criteria , to what extent is this possible when the human condition is prone to succumb to personal bias , prejudice or the desire to benefit one person over another for improper reasons ?
The quest to ensure a measure of impartiality surely requires the scrutinising of relationships the panelist are known to have with existing committee members and/or the appellant. All too often the panelists are not strangers to the individuals involved , and therefore must have established personal opinions about them. Members should not be nominated for panel selection if close relationships , friendships and existing feuds come to light. Indeed , members approached for selection should be asked to declare any known bias or prejudices held against committee members or the appellant. Indeed , it is an undeniable fact that any degree of bias can lead to panelists rejecting the strong evidence and weighty arguments introduced by one side , choosing instead to favour the flimsy evidence and shallow arguments introduced by the other side. Old prejudices which always lurk in the background of people's minds will often surface to distort their ability to be impartial and fair.
So it seems to me the sensible way forward when dealing with the thorny problems of disciplinary appeals is to call in " outsiders with the necessary legal expertise " and pay the costs involved. Impartiality is more than likely going to be achieved , and the decisions made will then be based on an objective analysis of the facts in relation to established principles of law.
Wednesday, 15 April 2015
EVERYBODY KNOWS ........
( A dirge of a poem by Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber , which is based upon one of Leonard Cohen's greatest songs. The theme is a condemnation of the widespread cheating that continues to undermine the beauty , purity and majesty of the game of bridge. )
( A dirge of a poem by Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber , which is based upon one of Leonard Cohen's greatest songs. The theme is a condemnation of the widespread cheating that continues to undermine the beauty , purity and majesty of the game of bridge. )
Everybody knows that the
battle's over
Everybody knows the good
guys lost
Please someone stop this cheating
Or we are all going to pay the cost
Everybody knows the results
are false
Honesty and integrity exist no more
The bad guys now
steal the glory
They know how to rig the score
That‘s how it goes
Everybody knows
Everybody knows the cheats are
out there
Everybody knows that they lie
in wait
Abusing the rules to gain
unfair advantage
Trapping their victims with poisonous bait They use all manner of
dodgy signals
To their chosen partners-in-crime
Securing one unjust top
after another
Board after board time after time
That’s how it goes
Everybody knows
Everybody knows cheats behave
badly
Everybody knows that’s what
they do
They work so hard at being dishonest
Ah… give or take the odd
board or two
Everybody knows they have no
scruples
Everybody knows they’re
racked with sin For it's the results
that matter most
When there are trophies still to win
That’s how it goes
Everybody knows
Everybody knows the
game is poisoned
Everybody knows all hope has gone
The good guys are a fading minority
It’s the cheats who are
in full song
Everybody knows the
problem’s massive
Too many heads are stuck in
the sand
Administrators turning the blind eye
Only rudeness gets a
player banned
But that’s how it goes
Everybody knows
Everybody knows the game needs fixing
Everybody knows what needs
to change
Banning slow play and absurd bidding systems
Getting rid of the cheats so clearly deranged
Banning slow play and absurd bidding systems
Getting rid of the cheats so clearly deranged
Everybody knows that bridge
is in free fall
Its beauty ravaged , its image in tatters
Its beauty ravaged , its image in tatters
The problem's so urgent and pressing
Restoring its virtues this is what matters
Everybody knows a revolution
is needed
People out there must step up
to the plate
Something must be done today or tomorrow
To delay any action it may be too late
But that's how it goes
Everybody knows
Monday, 13 April 2015
DR. JOHN INTERVIEWS BIGOT-JOHNSON , THE CONTROVERSIAL NEW CHAIRMAN OF THE CARDINALS BRIDGE CLUB........
Dr.J : Is it true that prior to seizing the job of chairman, you were a complete nobody in the club with no idea or feeling about the game of bridge ?
B-J : It's true.......but God am I smart....but hey , I don't like the tone of your voice or the implied criticism behind that question
Dr.J : Is it also true that dozens of members are concerned about your lust for power , and your unshakable determination to be in total control , making all the decisions
B-J : Yes indeed ....because let's face it democratically run committees are a joke. Democracy is either an excuse for mob rule or a hapless, lengthy process, where only compromise decisions can ever get reached .....none of which satisfy anyone , or achieve any worthwhile goal. Put a dictatorship in place and things get done fast and effectively
Dr.J : I see....
B-J : Moreover democracy is for those who are happy to lurch from one set of objectives back to another. It is riddled with procrastination , indecision , contradictions and policy reversals. Under my rule..... change only takes place in a forward direction , with no deviations or diversions. Consequently sustained progress can be achieved in a no-nonsense and ruthlessly efficient way
Dr.J : Well , I'm putting you down as a control freak. Someone with delusions of your own sense of self-importance. Someone with delusional fantasies of power , relevance and omnipotence .....all of which are fuelled by your grossly inflated self-esteem
B-J : Listen you .....all of us suffer from narcissistic personality disorders ....mine appear to be a little more acute
Dr.J : Yes....but your over-developed symptoms have manifested themselves into heartless , bullying , megalomaniac character traits
B-J : I resent that analysis.....the simple truth is that I'm an extremely bright and intelligent person with strong convictions about what needs to be done , and how to go about getting things done. Most people who get elected onto committees are dim-witted , dilatory , weaklings.....useless appendages who hamper the efforts of those who want to achieve. It takes balls to commandeer and combine several keys posts into the chairmanship role.....especially in the face of whinging , whining whinnies , who hate having their delicate little noses put out of joint
Dr. J : But is it not the case that your ruthless and brutal leadership has caused several super workers to resign
B-J : Those deserting tosspots were pushy , interfering busy bodies who were out to usurp my authority , and to undermine my plans. They jumped before they were pushed !
Dr.J : It seems to me that along side your complex ridden personality you have this insane delusional belief that you are an expert in all aspects of bridge and committee work , when clearly the opposite is true. You have orchestrated a coup putting democracy to the sword. So please tell me how you managed to get so many unquestioning and blind supporters to fall in line ?
B-J : Look....the thing about puppets is that (a) they are all stupid , and (b) they are all willing to sing and dance to the same tune. This enables me to call all the shots and to get things done without any obstacles , restraints or barriers being put in my way. Thankfully , the people on my committee now are all ignoramuses, who fail to grasp what the issues really are ....let alone what my secret agenda is about. And because they're so clueless , they are more than happy to toe the line.... and to follow me as their leader
Dr.J : So would you agree then that you are nothing more than a pathological egotist ?
B-J : My God you've hit the nail on the head there.....and I feel it is only right and fair to hit a nail on top of your head...................Ronnie hold him down while I get Reggie to find my tool box
Dr.J : Is it true that prior to seizing the job of chairman, you were a complete nobody in the club with no idea or feeling about the game of bridge ?
B-J : It's true.......but God am I smart....but hey , I don't like the tone of your voice or the implied criticism behind that question
Dr.J : Is it also true that dozens of members are concerned about your lust for power , and your unshakable determination to be in total control , making all the decisions
B-J : Yes indeed ....because let's face it democratically run committees are a joke. Democracy is either an excuse for mob rule or a hapless, lengthy process, where only compromise decisions can ever get reached .....none of which satisfy anyone , or achieve any worthwhile goal. Put a dictatorship in place and things get done fast and effectively
Dr.J : I see....
B-J : Moreover democracy is for those who are happy to lurch from one set of objectives back to another. It is riddled with procrastination , indecision , contradictions and policy reversals. Under my rule..... change only takes place in a forward direction , with no deviations or diversions. Consequently sustained progress can be achieved in a no-nonsense and ruthlessly efficient way
Dr.J : Well , I'm putting you down as a control freak. Someone with delusions of your own sense of self-importance. Someone with delusional fantasies of power , relevance and omnipotence .....all of which are fuelled by your grossly inflated self-esteem
B-J : Listen you .....all of us suffer from narcissistic personality disorders ....mine appear to be a little more acute
Dr.J : Yes....but your over-developed symptoms have manifested themselves into heartless , bullying , megalomaniac character traits
B-J : I resent that analysis.....the simple truth is that I'm an extremely bright and intelligent person with strong convictions about what needs to be done , and how to go about getting things done. Most people who get elected onto committees are dim-witted , dilatory , weaklings.....useless appendages who hamper the efforts of those who want to achieve. It takes balls to commandeer and combine several keys posts into the chairmanship role.....especially in the face of whinging , whining whinnies , who hate having their delicate little noses put out of joint
Dr. J : But is it not the case that your ruthless and brutal leadership has caused several super workers to resign
B-J : Those deserting tosspots were pushy , interfering busy bodies who were out to usurp my authority , and to undermine my plans. They jumped before they were pushed !
Dr.J : It seems to me that along side your complex ridden personality you have this insane delusional belief that you are an expert in all aspects of bridge and committee work , when clearly the opposite is true. You have orchestrated a coup putting democracy to the sword. So please tell me how you managed to get so many unquestioning and blind supporters to fall in line ?
B-J : Look....the thing about puppets is that (a) they are all stupid , and (b) they are all willing to sing and dance to the same tune. This enables me to call all the shots and to get things done without any obstacles , restraints or barriers being put in my way. Thankfully , the people on my committee now are all ignoramuses, who fail to grasp what the issues really are ....let alone what my secret agenda is about. And because they're so clueless , they are more than happy to toe the line.... and to follow me as their leader
Dr.J : So would you agree then that you are nothing more than a pathological egotist ?
B-J : My God you've hit the nail on the head there.....and I feel it is only right and fair to hit a nail on top of your head...................Ronnie hold him down while I get Reggie to find my tool box
Sunday, 12 April 2015
HOW TO UNDERTAKE A TAKEOVER COUP OF A COMMITTEE : A SUPERB 7 STEP GUIDE BY BIGOT-JOHNSON FOR BUDDING MEGALOMANIACS
1. Plot , Plan and Connive : initial efforts to oust existing members from their officer posts will pay rich dividends. Key positions on the committee can now be seized without too much opposition to initiate an effective coup.
2. Merge The Key Posts Into One : once elected on a tidal wave of membership apathy and disinterest , vote rigging , propaganda lies, false promises and bullshit , it becomes imperative to combine all the key posts , by giving full control of everything to one or two power-crazed individuals. Consolidating power in this way guarantees both ruthless and effective decision making , with no risk whatever of opposition coming from within the committee.
3. Consolidate Your Power Base Even Further : it is absolutely essential to have loyal family members and friends in on the takeover coup. Having allies and loyal supporters on the committee , or working on behalf of the committee , will of course involve keeping them sweet, by the dishing out countless favours, privileges , perks and concessions. Getting the full co-operation and protection from this group of lackeys may come at a price , but it is one well worth paying.
4. Set Up A Spy Network : imposing strict obligations on other committee members to swear oaths of allegiance , along with a commitment to maintaining absolute secrecy regarding all committee shenanigans , needs the back-up of a spy network to catch out those who may succumb to pangs of conscience and loose gossip. Fear and threats will always prove useful to developing unwavering loyalty, and an ability to close ranks when allegations of abuse of power and incompetence come flying in. Those who can't hack it will resign leaving the door wide open to replace them with more of your lackeys.
5. Actively Promote Misinformation And Disinformation : rank and file members of the organisation , along with nosey outsiders , must be kept in the dark as much as possible. This of course requires the suppression of the truth , but better still is the sustained bombardment of meaningless , irrelevant information attached to carefully concocted lies. Nasty needles about your wrongdoings always need to buried in giant haystacks , such that they become impossible to find.
6. Never Stop Deluding Yourself : all power-crazed megalomaniacs suffer from delusions of grandeur and false images of themselves. It therefore becomes imperative never to doubt or question these delusions , maintaining the erroneous belief that you know best and that you possess great leadership qualities ( which as it happens is the complete of opposite of the truth ).
7. Don't Ever Take The Blame For Anything : even if the organisation becomes so crippled it is brought to its knees , reassure yourself that it will be the rank and file members who are at fault. Blame must always be transferred to these ineffective and feckless people , who are so blatantly guilty of whispering campaigns and negativity, as evidenced by their refusal to support a dedicated , hard-working bunch of ruthless dictators.
1. Plot , Plan and Connive : initial efforts to oust existing members from their officer posts will pay rich dividends. Key positions on the committee can now be seized without too much opposition to initiate an effective coup.
2. Merge The Key Posts Into One : once elected on a tidal wave of membership apathy and disinterest , vote rigging , propaganda lies, false promises and bullshit , it becomes imperative to combine all the key posts , by giving full control of everything to one or two power-crazed individuals. Consolidating power in this way guarantees both ruthless and effective decision making , with no risk whatever of opposition coming from within the committee.
3. Consolidate Your Power Base Even Further : it is absolutely essential to have loyal family members and friends in on the takeover coup. Having allies and loyal supporters on the committee , or working on behalf of the committee , will of course involve keeping them sweet, by the dishing out countless favours, privileges , perks and concessions. Getting the full co-operation and protection from this group of lackeys may come at a price , but it is one well worth paying.
4. Set Up A Spy Network : imposing strict obligations on other committee members to swear oaths of allegiance , along with a commitment to maintaining absolute secrecy regarding all committee shenanigans , needs the back-up of a spy network to catch out those who may succumb to pangs of conscience and loose gossip. Fear and threats will always prove useful to developing unwavering loyalty, and an ability to close ranks when allegations of abuse of power and incompetence come flying in. Those who can't hack it will resign leaving the door wide open to replace them with more of your lackeys.
5. Actively Promote Misinformation And Disinformation : rank and file members of the organisation , along with nosey outsiders , must be kept in the dark as much as possible. This of course requires the suppression of the truth , but better still is the sustained bombardment of meaningless , irrelevant information attached to carefully concocted lies. Nasty needles about your wrongdoings always need to buried in giant haystacks , such that they become impossible to find.
6. Never Stop Deluding Yourself : all power-crazed megalomaniacs suffer from delusions of grandeur and false images of themselves. It therefore becomes imperative never to doubt or question these delusions , maintaining the erroneous belief that you know best and that you possess great leadership qualities ( which as it happens is the complete of opposite of the truth ).
7. Don't Ever Take The Blame For Anything : even if the organisation becomes so crippled it is brought to its knees , reassure yourself that it will be the rank and file members who are at fault. Blame must always be transferred to these ineffective and feckless people , who are so blatantly guilty of whispering campaigns and negativity, as evidenced by their refusal to support a dedicated , hard-working bunch of ruthless dictators.
Friday, 10 April 2015
BRIDGE BOOKS EVERY HALF DECENT PLAYER NEEDS TO READ.......( Recommended by Pun )
- So Sorry Partner , It Was Only A Partial Mistake..................Arthur Blunder
- Is Your Club Chairman A Complete Dickhead ?.....................Belle Henman
- Does Your Club Accounts Make Dreadful Reading ?.............Annette Loss
- My Game Has Gone Completely To Pieces..........................A. Wyre
- Partner , Whatever Needs You Have , I Can Satisfy Them .....Ivor Wright-Biggen
- If Your Team Is In A Fix , I Can Always Help Out....................Andy Mann
- The Most Effective Way To Deal With Trouble Makers............Kane M. Hard
- Partner , You're The Weakest Link In This Team !.................. Liam Duck
- Don't Allow That Clueless Woman Be Your Partner................Bess Turner-Downe
- When Bidding With Idiot Partners Get To Be Declarer...........Troy N. Hoggett
Thursday, 9 April 2015
SHBC DISCIPLINARY HEARING…..No. 4651
( After introducing sub-zero tolerance policies
with a vengeance, Bigot-Johnson and his cronies were on yet another Pantopod witch hunt.
This was now the time to set about anyone who stepped over the line. Up next on
the long list of miscreants was Pernella Pantopod , on the serious charge of
drawing and publishing a picture on her blog of committee members wearing jackboots, brown shirts and all sporting little Hitler moustaches. An extract
from the hearing’s transcript appears below :
Bar steward : All rise for the Fuhrer……
B-J ( walking in ) : Thank you steward…..now you may all sit down
PP : Can any one explain why I’m here ?
B-J : As if you don’t know….hell's bells , surely you don't deny
the fact that you depicted committee members …on your obscene , offensive , vulgar blog….as fascists ?
PP : No , I don’t……for I regard that picture as a work
of art
B-J : Well ,
my spies have also reported that there have been other derogatory posts on your
blog depicting committee members in this club as fascists thugs ….with raised straight arm salutes……. and swastika
flags being waved all over the place
PP : Like the ones hung up on the walls inside this room…….
B-J : Yes…but this is committee will not tolerate
any behaviour inside or outside the premises…..which brings the club into
disrepute…… or puts a slur upon the character and reputation of its elite
members
PP : Like who ?
B-J : Your reference to Sanctimonious Sentinels…..SS...... for short
PP : In keeping with most club committees , you and your lackeys have set yourselves well above the rank and file membership
B-J : You just don’t get it , do you ? Being in office qualifies us to have enhanced status
, umpteen privileges and the divine right to promote double standards
PP : AH....but what I was doing was making an observation
about corrupt committees in general with no references or mention to this club
B-J ; You can’t fool us…..we know who you were
aiming your satirical comments at…..but thankfully our sub-zero tolerance
policies provide us with carte blanche powers to assume what we like….and to do what
we like
PP : Your
sub- zero tolerance policy has created a cold , harsh, oppressive environment, which has frozen out all those who see as a
threat. Such a merciless, uncompassionate policy simply allows its chief
administrators to escape the burden of making discretionary decisions .
Moreover, it exonerates them from any charges of prejudice and bias, which in
turn enables them to target who they like…..or
should I say dislike
B-J : I’m not listening to this defamatory rubbish……you’re
someone you clearly needs a thrashing
PP : Oh I
see….by refusing to consider each individual’s proud history and honest
intentions which inspired their actions , sub-zero tolerance policies deny the
unique worth and dignity of every person that holds a honest and fair opinion
B-J : So what were your intentions exactly ?
PP : To expose all those in authority who choose to
abuse their power ………such as doing away with undesirables , and silencing all those
in opposition
B-J : Well Pernella …..our intention has always been
to create a very cohesive , warm, friendly and social bridge club , where
like-minded people can come to enjoy one another’s company over a game of
bridge
PP : You just don’t get it…..your sub-zero
tolerance policy puts you…..and your lackeys…into a position of supreme power
to make irrational decisions…..and to impose disproportionate punishments on
those who in all innocence commit a minor transgression….or as , in my case, who have the audacity to expose wrongdoing
and corruption
B-J : Too bloody right…..because let’s face you are
guilty of broadcasting vile , highly
provocative , and damaging lies…….for which the penalty must be either a
severe beating , or a programme of drug induced brain-washing
PP : But whatever happened to free speech ?
B-J : That went out years ago.....round about the time Stalin came into power
PP : But I don’t recall the denial of free speech being imposed on members under the current rules of the Constitution
B-J : Ad hoc rules have now taken over from the Constitution...... on the grounds of their desirability, flexibility and effectiveness
PP : This is outrageous…
B-J : Ronnie.......….take this woman down to the cellars
to join the others who are ready for our next in house “ corrective “ therapy session
Ronnie : Your wish is my command….oh Fuhrer
Wednesday, 1 April 2015
NEWSFLASH :
STOP CALLING IT YOUR MONEY SAYS THE USA BRIDGE UNION
The USA Bridge Union has reminded its members that "their " money is actually its money.
The spokesman of the governing body said " giving members access to , or control over, the vast cash reserves which have been built up over the years , following crippling increases in membership subscriptions and tournament entry fees , is not a core priority."
The spin doctor then then went on to say " that the very idea that the cash reserves should be used for the members' benefit is a non starter. We need that money to invest in a massive pension pot , which will guarantee us on retirement a generous income to supplement and bolster our personal work pensions , and the profits many of us make on commodity speculation and real estate transactions. "
Other highly paid salaried officers in the union were also in strong agreement that this pension pot investment was absolute necessary if they were to remain on the gravy train , to enable further re-feathering of their cosy nests, and to live the life of Riley. Moreover , the pension pot income also had to cover the huge retainers with bonuses dished out to their respective accountants , brokers and lawyers.
" In addition , you need hefty pensions to afford the fees charged by the bridge professionals when hiring them as your partners on the endless merry-go-round of luxury cruise bridge holidays and high profile tournaments being held in beautiful , far away exotic locations. I think the members will completely agree that we deserve this little perk , given all the hard work , energy and time we have spent filling in fictitious claim forms for expenses. Members aren't stupid . They know what is important and what really matters."
STOP CALLING IT YOUR MONEY SAYS THE USA BRIDGE UNION
The USA Bridge Union has reminded its members that "their " money is actually its money.
The spokesman of the governing body said " giving members access to , or control over, the vast cash reserves which have been built up over the years , following crippling increases in membership subscriptions and tournament entry fees , is not a core priority."
The spin doctor then then went on to say " that the very idea that the cash reserves should be used for the members' benefit is a non starter. We need that money to invest in a massive pension pot , which will guarantee us on retirement a generous income to supplement and bolster our personal work pensions , and the profits many of us make on commodity speculation and real estate transactions. "
Other highly paid salaried officers in the union were also in strong agreement that this pension pot investment was absolute necessary if they were to remain on the gravy train , to enable further re-feathering of their cosy nests, and to live the life of Riley. Moreover , the pension pot income also had to cover the huge retainers with bonuses dished out to their respective accountants , brokers and lawyers.
" In addition , you need hefty pensions to afford the fees charged by the bridge professionals when hiring them as your partners on the endless merry-go-round of luxury cruise bridge holidays and high profile tournaments being held in beautiful , far away exotic locations. I think the members will completely agree that we deserve this little perk , given all the hard work , energy and time we have spent filling in fictitious claim forms for expenses. Members aren't stupid . They know what is important and what really matters."