PARTNER STRESSING YOU OUT ? : BIGOT HAS A CALMING SOLUTION......
No matter how well you are playing,  your idiot partner just sits there converting potential tops into galactic bottoms. You are at the end of your tether. Frustrated to the point of going insane,  you are ready to explode. Your stress levels are off the graph. However, your immediate concern is that this kind of acute stress will activate your ulcers, possibly forcing you to give up the game which has become your life.
Clearly, the risk of developing a serious mental problem becomes all too apparent. You're well on the way to having a serious nervous breakdown. Yet, something can be done to settle your nerves,  and to deal with all that mental anguish and pain. Indeed, I have nicked a superb stress-management technique that will remove all those negative emotions.....and return you back to a state of  tranquillity, calmness, contentment and bliss. By following the 4 steps listed below,  you can be absolutely certain that partner-induced stress can be eliminated on the spot, enabling you to play out the remainder of the session in a positive frame of mind.......
1. Picture yourself beside a stream on a beautiful sunny day
2. Listen to the birds twittering in the trees, and the soft whisper of a warm and pleasant breeze. Nobody knows of this secret place, this perfect retreat, this wonderful sanctuary......a  paradise created and designed in accordance with all your hopes dreams, and wishes.
3. You are in total seclusion, away from the insanity and chaos of the bridge tables.
4.  But now listen to the gentle sound of the stream, filling the air with its soothing babble. Cast your eyes down at the nearby rock pool..... so clear and blue....so pure and clean.... you can not help but see the bulging eyes of your bastard partner you're steadfastly holding down under the water....... as he fights in vain for breath
And once you sense that total stillness ......a new stress-free person can now return to the reality of the world of bridge    

MORE CLASSIC EUPHEMISMS FROM THE WORLD OF BRIDGE : WHAT THEY SAY BUT WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN.... ( Article by Carp )
- An resolute chairman : a little Hitler
- A thoughtful player : a procrastinating bastard
- A versatile player : resorts to cheating when necessary
- Been playing for years : well past his sell-by date
- An ideal player for your  team : certainly not good enough for ours 
- A visionary player : takes wild punts
- An ideal candidate for the committee : can be trusted to turn a blind eye
- The teachers here are not that bad : a case of the blind leading the blind 
- Not a bad loser : resentful and peevish
- A temperamental and unforgiving player : will kill you at the drop of a hat
- A succcessful AGM : dissent replaced by dejection and apathy
- An encouraging turnout : nearly two full tables

BIGOT'S CONSCIENCE GETS PRICKED BY GUILT AND SHAME........ ( Another nearly true story by Bridgemeister Gibson )

Bigot had always thought that Edith had a reasonably contented life as his stay-at-home wife. However, soon after she died he began to question whether or not he had been a decent and caring husband, given the colossal  amount of time he spent playing bridge down at his local club. 
Worried that the answer might possibly be " no" , he set off to visit a well known psychic to see if he could contact her. The psychic went into a trance, and a strange breeze wafted through the darkened room. Then Bigot heard the unmistakeable voice of his dearly departed wife.
" Dearest Edith ", he cried,  " Is that you ? "
" Yes......my husband it is ", she replied.
" Are you happy ? "
" Yes....surprisingly so. "
" Happier than you were with me ? "
" Oh yes....my husband........without doubt. "
" Thank God for that ..." cried Bigot, " ....so heaven must be an amazing place after all ? "
" Oh no.....", said his wife , " I'm not in heaven......"

BRIDGE ADDICTION : ANOTHER AMAZING NEARLY TRUE STORY ABOUT BIGOT-JOHNSON.............. ( By Bridgemeister Gibson )

For someone nudging 64 , Bigot-Johnson had the image and appearance of a fit and healthy young man. He always walked with a spring in his step,  looking full of energy and vitality. One night, when Bigot was propping up the club bar, one member was so taken back by his youthful countenance, he felt obliged to ask Bigot about his secret to eternal youth.
" Bigot .....I find it hard to believe you are 63. From the shape you are in I would have said you were nearer 35. How do you do it ? "
" Simple...it's all down to lack of rumpy pumpy....and a healthy living style. You see early on our marriage my wife and I argued bitterly, each and every night  I told her I was off to the bridge club. Inevitably, the argument came to an abrupt end when I was thrown out of the door, only to hear the sound of a turning key and sliding bolts........"
" I see " said the bewildered member, " but how does that explain your good health and Peter Pan looks ? "
" Well...for the past 40 years........I've never had the chance to overdo things physically......but the main reason.... of course... is that I've spent most of my life permanently outside in the fresh air "         

BRIDGE v. CHESS : SO WHICH IS THE MORE CHALLENGING GAME ?........ ( Article by Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber )

Many people would say chess offers the greatest challenge in a world of so many excellent mind sports. Certainly, it is a purer game than bridge in that it that the loser only has himself to blame. Defeat has nothing to do with luck, or any other outside random factor : defeat is the direct result of being out-thought and out-manoeuvred by a more skillful opponent.
However, there is no disputing the fact that bridge players face far greater challenges, having  so many more obstacles to overcome before victory can be assured. By having these additional challenges the game becomes a more demanding mind sport, which is turn makes it the hardest and best game in the world. Indeed, the obstacles listed below require bridge players to possess far more than superb technical card skills, if they are to succeed at the highest level.....
1. Developing a perfect partnership understanding where it is essential that both players are  thinking and on operating on the same wavelength 
2. As declarer having to overcome the combined brainpower of two opponents ( not just one )
3. Utilising an ever growing body of past information and inferences about the bidding, and play of the cards, to re-evaluate your very next move
4. Being a victim of undetectable cheating,  both of the soft and hard variety
5. Being a victim of the random injustice when a TD's discretionary rulings going against you
6. Playing like a true champion but getting  poor results simply because of the insanity of what is happening elsewhere in the room
7. Being undone by players who are far inferior, as for instance when they secure an undeserved top by their gross under-bidding
8. Never being able to build or capitalise on an early success,  in that the opponents are always back in the hunt with everything to play for on the very next board
9. Having to cope with a greater level of background noise and distractions
10. Having to overcome and deal with partner's mistakes along with your own
So, in my opinion, any one who wins at bridge, playing fairly and honestly, have done so by not only being good technically adept players,  but as heroes who have overcome all other challenges. Bridge, unlike chess, is a like huge battlefield, where there are so many things that can  (and will ) go wrong,  and where there are so many  factors and/or circumstances  beyond one's control. In chess a player can see everything that is going on right there infront of his eyes..... all the remaining pieces.....  and where each could possibly  be moved. In contrast, a bridge player needs to working out how results might unfold elsewhere in the room, and  always having to make decisions when never quite certain of what is still  lurking in an opponent's armory, or what their next play will be. Indeed, it is the expectation of the unexpected that makes bridge the best and most challenging game in the world today.

BIGOT-

JOHNSON

PLEADS

WITH

PUN

TO

COME

UP 

WITH

MORE

BIG

IMPACT
HEADLINES
.........

SURVEY

REVEALS

" BAD

BRIDGE "

READERS

HAVEN'T

GOT A

CLUE

ABOUT

THE GAME

...BUT THEY

WHOLE -

HEARTEDLY
AGREE THAT

THE MAGAZINE

SURE MAKES

THEM LOOK

GOOD !

DRINKING SONG - A FESTIVE FAVOURITE AT THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BRIDGE CLUB ( to the tune and rhythm of The 12 Days of Christmas )
                  .............................
               On the night of the Christmas party
                            it was  all too plain to see:
                                
                            Twelve Members Fiddling
                            Eleven Rent Boys Blowing
                              Ten Gaylords Grooming
                                Nine Ladies Trumping
                                  Eight Maids Alluring
                                 Seven Poodles Panting
                                 Six Ganders Squawking
                                     Five Brown Rings
                                     Four Rough Shags
                                     Three Quick Terns
                                        Two Great Tits
                          and a Partridge Up A Bum Tree
                                         
                                                
                                            
                                          
                                         

LIES, DAMNED LIES AND THUNDERING BIG WHOPPERS........ ( Article by Carp )

Bridge players are renown for their exaggerations. hyperboles, little white lies, and the occasional fibs, but some go all the way with outrageous whopping big lies. Euphemism has its place in attempting to soften the blow of harsh and uncomfortable truths, but when an absolute falsehood is being made they can be no justification for it whatsoever. So here is my list of the 20 biggest porkies ever to come from the mouths of truly accomplished liars.....
1. It's always a pleasure to partner you......
2. Take this as a mild criticism....
3. Of course, I respect your judgement...
4. I promise not to get onto you....
5. I'm glad you rang, I was just going to call you....
6. I'd love to buy you a drink, but I haven't any money on me....
7. It doesn't matter if you make a mistake....
8. I'll not mention this " cock-up" of yours to anybody....
9. You can trust me....
10. I was magnificent.....
11. Listen partner, I know what I'm doing.....
12. I'm so sorry....I've double-booked......
13. I always have what my bids promise....
14. I swear to God I'll stick to the system....
15. I'm not one for bearing grudges....
16. It's not my fault....
17. No way did I hesitate then....
18. I didn't hear a thing said on the next table....
19. It's not me who's slow....

20. That wasn't meant as an insult...  

LAW REPORT  : R v. BIGOT-JOHNSON (2012 )

( The courtroom was deathly quiet as Bigot-Johnson strode in to take his place in the dock. The world's press were all in attendance to witness the biggest case ever to come to the Old Bailey in years. Bigot, as usual, decided to defend himself, and a short extract from the trial's transcript appears below. )

Prosecuting Counsel (PC) : The accused, Bigot-Johnson, is an evil monster whose evil and wickedness is beyond all imagination

B-J : I object to these defamatory remarks 

PC : M'Lud, the facts, as your Lordship will come to appreciate, are not in dispute in this case...

B-J : Yes, they bloody well are....

PC : This low-life apology for a human being has...... ever since he took over the running of the Slaughter House Bridge Club....made 43 attempts to take away the poor Percy Pantopod's life.......43 attempted murders....so I ask you....how can any one like that be allowed to run and manage a respectable bridge club ?

B-J : Excuse me.... but the Slaughter House isn't respectable !

Judge : What....43 attempts ?......Is the man a psychopath or a first rate bungler ?

PC : Both

Judge : And are these 43 attempts all similar in their modus operandi?

PC : They are exactly the same M'Lud in that Bigot knew that Percy had a very weak heart,  which could fail at any time if he was agitated, over-excited, or rattled in any way..... any kind antagonistic behaviour , which would cause him to blow his stack, to make his blood race....even  boil or explode ! Therefore,  the accused set about insulting Percy with the most provocative, defamatory..... or dare I say....inflammatory.....abuse, which  his sadistic, bitter and twisted mind was more than capable of dreaming up 

Judge : Did no one question Bigot's intentions at the time ?

PC : Oh yes...very much so....but they always received the same stock answer...." I was only joking "

B-J : I was....I was

PC : Well, if you were only joking....Percy Pantopod never got the joke...

B-J : Too right he didn't...the man's a moron

Judge : Well...Bigot...if you failed to get him to appreciate the joke behind all this vitriolic and vile abuse you heaped upon him.....on  each of 42 previous occasions.... then why persist with a 43rd attempt ?

B-J :  I'm not one for quitting.....

Judge : An admirable quality.....but it seems to me your intent may have been far more sinister given Percy's delicate heart condition

PC : Yes....these devastating psychological and verbal attacks.....were never intended as jokes..... Bigot wanted this man dead.....it's his mission in life....his overwhelming obsession

B-J : Might I be allowed to point out... that if you were to read the things I've said over the years to Percy....you would surely see that not only are my observations about him colourful and witty......they are so gross that the presence of sarcasm is patently obvious, which suggests that even an imbecile  would interpret a meaning completely opposite to the literal meaning of the words used.......hence it can be proved I was only seeking  to compliment this man, who is too much of a buffoon to appreciate the subtle joke in the absurdity of my phrasing, clever choice of antonyms and sharp irony 

Judge : A rather obscure and unusual approach to show respect for someone......

PC : What on earth are you saying M'Lud ?

Judge : Well, it seems to me....there is no evidence of criminal intent......only an illogical, if not pathetic and warped,  intent to use sarcasm to praise a fool, who happens to have a weak heart....and one who clearly doesn't know what sarcasm is.....and on that basis I am bringing this case to a close.....

B-J : Hoorah....does this mean I'm a free to continue with my quest.....

Judge : Oh if you must..... since I cannot allow a person's freedom of speech to be undermined by sentiment....

B-J : Thank you your honour..... and oh yes.....a cheque is already on its way

PROFESSOR HU CHI KU CHI EXPLORES HOW A BRIDGE PLAYER'S ATTITUDE CHANGES OVER TIME........

When people first take up bridge they arrive at the club with enthusiasm, open minds and a honest desire never to judge others unfairly,  simply by focusing on their own mistakes . But as the years pass by their attitudes change, and eventually they start to display all the characteristics associated with grumpy old people : bitter, twisted, intolerant, impatient, cynical, complaining, cantankerous, awkward and unforgiving.

Indeed, my detailed research breaks down these attitude changes into 7 sequential stages, as listed below :

1. Uncritical acceptance of others

2. Wild enthusiasm to learn more

3. Dejected disillusionment over lack of progress

4. Total confusion over analysis of any problem hand

5. Transference of blame onto others ( as self-denial sets in )

6. Manic desire to punish all those declared guilty

7. Gradual withdrawal from the game before complete abandonment

BIGOT- JOHNSON

STICKS TWO

FINGERS

UP AT THE

ESTABLISH-

-MENT BY

TAKING

BRIDGE

INTO

THE

REALMS

OF

DARKNESS,

DEPRAVITY

AND

DEMONOLOGY

..........

" BAD

BRIDGE "

CELEBRATES

ITS

25th

EDITION

DESPITE

CRITICS

TEARING

THE

MAGAZINE

INTO

SHREDS

.........

.......

DR.JOHN'S CASE NOTES : INREVOCATUS CONSOLIO

The time has come for me to talk about a condition so terrible, I simply refuse to treat any clients who have been diagnosed with it. Although this psychological disorder will affect only a few players , every bridge club will encounter this problem. For anyone cursed with inrevocatus consolio, he or she is compelled to heap untold misery, irritation and annoyance on those they choose to target.

Once the symptoms really take hold, nothing stops them dishing out unwanted advice. Sufferers completely delude themselves that the advice is of great value, and will be most appreciated. As a result they lavish great dollops of it on all those they feel will surely benefit from such pearls of wisdom. Strangely, there is never any intent to earn praise or reward, because it is the thought of being considered wiser than anybody else that drives them on.

Without exception, victims of this disorder end up receiving nothing but derision and ingratitude. They are unable perceive or recognise any negative response ! No matter how many attempts are made to impart wisdom onto others, their observations are repeatedly slagged off as irrelevant and insupportable.

However, nothing can stop them in their quest to enlighten those who seemingly play the game in abject ignorance with total lack of foresight. Their interjections are therefore seen as both necessary and vital, and any protestations about their irritating and annoying opinions are simply dismissed as " misplaced and misguided ". Indeed, a battery of " intro's " have been used as a means of worming their way into other players' private bridge discussions. Classic " butt- ins " such as :

- Excuse me ......

- Sorry to say, but you are wrong.....

- might I be allowed to make an observation.....

- I think my opinion could shed some light on this matter....

- if my experience counts for anything.....

- although I'm a little long in the tooth, I do know something about bridge....

- take a friendly hint from me.....

- I feel I need to correct you on this particular point....

- I couldn't help overhearing, but....

- however averse I am to offering advice, I consider it my duty to comment here....

- it is certainly not my right to comment, yet at the same time, there is a need to correct a wrong...

- how on earth did you manage to overlook this ?......

-oh dear, you have clearly neglected caution here ......

- you ought not to have done that.....

- I think my opinion is needed here

The list of unwelcome interjections seems endless, but since these poor afflicted souls perceive themselves as know- it- all gurus, it has become impossible to bring them down to earth as grounded people. As clients, they are hell to work with, as they constantly bombard me with advice on how to do my job properly ! The idea that they have a problem, or that their advice is flawed by a shocking combination of appalling ignorance and breath-taking arrogance, is completely alien to them. So not only will these delusional predators remain in constant self-denial, but they will always be there, waiting to pounce, the next time you go to the club.

EVEN MORE BRIDGE BOOKS FOR ROY TO RAVE ABOUT........ ( Says Pun after his visit to Newcastle-under-Lyme & District BC)

• The Committee It Seems Dislikes Him Intensely............John Diss
• I've Never Seen Two Players Argue Like That......Barney Allwright
• Hurling Bridgemates: Now That's A Hanging Offence ! .....Sue Watt
• In The Meantime You Are Suspended.........................Seth Who
• Listen, I'm Going Where No One Can Find Me..............Heidi Hole
• That Kibitzer's Always Looking Over Her Shoulder...Seymore Brest
• Why's That Woman Looking For A New Partner ? .....Herman Lefter
• They're After You Partner, Tell Me What To Do ?.........Ward M. Hoff
• How To Play Tricks On Unsuspecting Opponents........Dick Puller
• I'm After A Partner To Go All The Way With..Linda May/ Sally Forshaw

BIGOT-JOHNSON'S SHOCKING REVELATION....... ( A secretly recorded conversation set up by the devious and cunning Percy Pantopod )

Percy : Bigot....it does seem odd ....almost incongruous in fact..... that you .....a nasty, hard-nosed, ultra-aggressive, mean spirited bridge player...... have taken up a job as a senior nurse in charge of an intensive care unit at Bawtry Hospital

Bigot : Hmm...now you've brought that fact to my attention......it does seem odd

Percy : So what on earth possessed you to become a nurse when you know yourself to be a cruel, heartless, sadistic bastard......who sets out to make every one's life a misery......especially those who happen to be sitting at the same bridge table as you

Bigot : I must admit I do get a perverted kick out of seeing people suffer........but that's all down to the abuse I received as an incarcerated child at the orphanage

Percy : Well, let's not delve into that.....I want to know if there are other ....more positive.....reasons why you took up nursing ?

Bigot : Well....think of the opportunities I have.....each and every day..... to flirt with young, fresh-faced, highly susceptible, incredibly vulnerable, female nurses

Percy : Yes....but please jesting aside.....I want to know the real reasons for taking up this very rewarding job, where patients are brought back from the brink of death to be re-united with their families and friends ?

Bigot : Yes....you're right......the job offers me so many good things.....the challenge, the teamwork, the sense of responsibility.......erm....helping people get better, and the job satisfaction that comes with that.....the benefit from building up great nurse-patient relationships......and owww.....the drugs I get free access to..... those wonderful, uplifting, mind blowing drugs.......owww, there is nothing quite like the euphoric experience I get from these multi-coloured magical pellets......each one a tiny pharmaceutical miracle....... and owww.......the sheer intoxicating bliss......of being able to float...... to fly through the air.....such indulgence....and all on a chemical diet.....made in heaven.... there on hand...... to fulfil all my pleasure and enlightenment needs

Percy : I've think I've got enough......

Bigot : Enough of what...

Percy : Evidence....to get you into some very serious trouble......

Bigot : You bugger....

JOHNNY DOES IT YET AGAIN...........................

With both sides sharing the points, it seemed odds on that a game contract was going to be a stretch.......but no....the bidding got so lively Johnny found himself in 6S doubled with West having pushed him all the way in diamonds.

On the Ace of diamonds lead, dummy came down with a disappointing : Jx....Jxxx....xxx....J109x

Johnny looked at his AKxxxx....AQx...void......Axxx, initially estimating a 10 trick haul with likely losers in spades, hearts and clubs.

West held : Qxx.....K.....AK109xxx....KQ

East Held : xx....xxxxx......QJx.......xxx

The play was swift and exquisite. The Ace of diamonds was ruffed in hand. A low spade ( ducked By West ! ) with dummy's jack taking the trick. Two rounds of trumps, followed by the ace of hearts dropping West's stiff King ! Then came two top hearts, followed by the Ace of clubs felling West's queen ! So after conceding a club to the King, Johnny claimed..... with nothing left....... other than black suit winners.

So I asked Johnny how he arrived at this line of play.

" Well ", he said, " I knew on the bidding West had all the points .....bar a bit in diamonds.....based on the bidding and his greedy double. No doubt he thought he had a spade and club winner, and possibly a heart. So a huff was called for.....and a low spade away from my AK towards dummy's jack would now offer him an irresistible temptation. Might not a reasoning West believe that East had to hold the stiff Ace of spades ? Therefore it could be good sense to duck, because now the defence can take two trump tricks. Moreover, if the jack did hold then surely declarer would seize the opportunity to take the losing heart finesse. A win-win situation.

Thankfully, West failed the test and the huff worked. Then came the Ace of hearts simply because West had to hold the King, and this do-or-die play had everything to gain...... and nothing to lose, as one could see from the result. Again playing the Ace of clubs catered for either West holding a stiff honour or the doubleton KQ. Long odds I know....but looking to finesse East for a club honour required two entries to dummy which I did not have. "

So was this making slam down to luck ? Or down to simple logic ? Or down to pure class ? All I know is that when kibitzers say " That Johnny...what a player...what a man " I'm most obliged to agree with them.

TWO PLAYERS TALKING BRIDGE.......OR SEEMINGLY SO

( As overheard by Pun )

- How are tricks ?

- Tricks....what do you mean ?

- You know......tricks

- Ok....I guess

- Pulled in any beauties ?

- Beauties.....what do you mean ?

- You know....beauties

- I only wish....

- Scored big lately ?

- Scored big.....what do you mean ?

- You know...scored....big

- Oh......once or twice

- But you like to be on top ?

- On top .....what do you mean ?

- You know.....on top

- Naturally...that's because I'm English

- So tell me about your best hand ?

- Best hand .....what do you mean ?

- You know........best hand

- Oh...that's my right of course

- My god......what a wanker you are !

SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC DISCIPLINARY HEARING No.3094.........

( In what was to be the 900th hearing in the current year, an over-worked committee now had the awkward Paisley " Pongo" Pantopod to deal with , an obstinate but deeply conscientious and moral man. He was being charged, as a former committee member, with breach of confidentiality, when he decided to broadcast to all and sundry the committee's plan to set up and " frame" undesirable members simply to get them banned from the club. Unfortunately for Pongo, the architect of this dastardly plan was Bigot -Johnson, who elected himself to chair this meeting. An extract from the hearing's transcript appears below. )

B-J : You Pongo ought to be ashamed of yourself.......how could you as an acting committee member breach this sacred duty of confidentiality ?

Pongo : I believed I was acting in accordance with a higher duty... being one of a conscientious whistle blower, who felt obliged to expose malpractice within the committee...... I was unfortunately a member of at the time

B-J : You betrayed us you two-faced Judas !

Pong0 : I faced two dilemmas....balancing my right to free speech and independence ( as an ordinary member ) .....with the moral obligations of confidence and respect owed to the committee to whom I was elected to serve

B-J : But you turned out to be nothing more than a dirty rotten squealer.....

Pongo : And besides the real fear of victimisation resulting from my disclosures, the fundamental dilemma involves of course the conflicting loyalties between the desire to follow one's conscience and moral beliefs, exposing malpractice.........AGAINST a desire to conform to a culture of loyalty and confidentiality......albeit displaced....

B-J : The simple fact is this, Pongo..... you're an informer.....and a despicable traitor....

Pongo : The motives for my whistle-blowing broadcasts were purely to draw your attention to the committee's failings, primarily to avert a great harm being done to the club. No doubt you all saw it as morally unjustifiable on the presumption that it violates the obligations to stay loyal and to adhere to a duty of confidentiality. Yet I maintain that whistle blowing is essential, if it reveals genuine wrongs were being committed against innocent people, born out of personal agendas and/or vendettas.

B-J : We, on this committee, hate any kind sneak...snake in the grass.....and stool pigeon.....such as you

Pongo: Sadly, in all social clubs, and especially this one, there is this culture of misplaced loyalty, where committees feel that loyalty is owed to them first and foremost. Indeed, there is an automatic condemnation of those who are prepared to expose the truth. Not surprising therefore that every committee member is put under considerable pressure to only voice their dissent within the meeting ....but never to a wider audience.....such as other interested parties ...and those with sympathetic ears. Yet this would mean turning a blind eye to malpractice which in itself is morally wrong.........

B-J : I 've heard enough of this pontificating clap trap...because as I see it you are without doubt the biggest blabbermouth I've ever come across.....

Pong0 : Confidentiality rules have their purpose and place in committee affairs.....data protection is now firmly established as law of the land. Moreover, sensitive information which could harm or adversely affect an individual and or his/her reputation...... should never be made public. I agree....there has to be confidence in equity...... but there's no issue in broadcasting information concerning improper procedures and/or immoral practices, because this makes the opposite hold true ...there can be no confidence in inequity.

B-J : You sir...are a fool....but worse than that ....a tell-tale snitcher....a rat.....a renegade, who we have got no time for....... what still concerns us was your total lack of loyalty to the cause.

Pongo : Those innocent members who you were prepared to kick out by foul means had a right to know what plots were being hatched against them .... so where was to the committee's loyalty towards them ?

B-J : They were disruptive elements within the club who had to be slung out...... and the ends will always justify the means. We chose to ignore your idiotic and dissenting remarks.....and you should have respected the majority view.....and stayed dumb.....but oh no......you had to rock the boat.....and now it's payback time !

Pongo : In defence of my whistle blowing I would like to say I did not act in bad faith....I believed that what I did was right....I was trying to protect innocent people from being set up.....moreover, I didn't disclose what actually took place for any personal motive or gain.....merely to stop a serious wrong being carried out.....since all my attempts to achieve this on the inside had failed...

B-J : We not listening...... anyway the decision has already been made weeks before ......you've been on our list for sometime now....and as from from today you're banned..........and that's the end of it........now bugger off and join the other three thousand and ninety-three rejects !

BRIDGE ADDICTION............ ( Another shocking tale from Bridgemeister Gibson )

Bigot-Johnson had shacked up with the woman of his dreams : a curvaceous sexy looking blonde, who not only owned a liquor store, but always spoke warm kind words in a soft honeydew whisper. Tragically, she was admitted to hospital for tests after experiencing severe abdominal pains. After getting the test results at the hospital the consultant told her " I'm sorry to tell you that you haven't long to live. I give you twenty-four hours at the most." Distraught, the woman went home with one pressing and urgent need : " Darling, I've only got hours to live....so come on now...take me upstairs and make wild passionate love to me all night .... "

Bigot looked at her tetchily and said : " How selfish can one be.... you know it's bloody Thursday......and I'm down to play bridge tonight ! "

JOHNNY

SUPREMO

HAS

THE

ANSWER

........

When lesser

mortals

floundered

in their

quest to

steer a

small slam

home,

Johnny had

no such

problems.

In 6H , there is initially 10 tricks on top with 5H, 3C, 1D, and 1S as guaranteed winners. So two more tricks had to be conjured up from somewhere. Possibly a late throw to East to lead away from his spades...or setting up clubs to pitch away some losing spades. Certainly, timing of play was of paramount importance to make this contract.

Well, on a diamond lead Johnny took the trick in dummy with the Ace, coming back to hand with a heart. Diamond ruff. But now came the Ace of clubs, followed by a low club ruffed high. King of hearts to clear trumps before a second diamond ruff . Now in dummy came the king of clubs pitching a losing spade. Next the jack of clubs, covered and ruffed. Over to the Ace of spades and the established 10 of clubs provided a parking space for a second losing spade. So the contract came rolling in with only one losing spade to concede to the opponents.

What a man. What a player.

BIGOT IN CONTEMPT : LATEST LAW REPORT

( Bigot-Johnson has always received the contempt of others throughout his whole life . Sixty odd years of abject under-achievement and misery. A lonely existence in which he has never had any real friends, only long lists of sworn enemies. However, despite a history of amazing antics in court, it was only a matter of time before a contempt of court charge was destined to come his way. And so it came as no surprise when he was brought back to face the judge who had sent him down to the cells for his appalling language and behaviour in court . A short extract from this hearing appears below.)

Judge : I have never in all my years witnessed court room behaviour like that....you are a vulgar, arrogant and obnoxious individual....

B-J : I object strongly to those words.....

Judge : But you do you recall the abuse I received when I upheld the decision in favour of the Cardinals' Bridge Club to revoke your membership......forever

B-J : Yes... but I thought we had a deal...

Judge : Are you insinuating I would pervert the course of justice for money ?

B-J : Yes....

Judge : Well, the money I received in a brown paper envelope....had no message inside.... and so I passed it onto a worthy charity

B-J : I object.....if you didn't want that money then it should have been returned to me.......surely you acknowledge there must be honour amongst thieves ?

Judge : There you go again......and from now on you will be address me as " your honour "

B-J : So sorry.... and of course I would like to say that I have always had the greatest respect for your honour.......but that doesn't debar me from challenging this ludicrous contempt of court charge ?

Judge : Might I remind you that ....because I am the one who is making the charge......it is obviously clear ....right from the outset.... that you are as guilty as hell

B-J : I object.....If you are my prosecutor then you can't be my judge.....and I would also like to add that just because I assured your honour you were someone I held in great respect.....that did not necessarily include my affection......

Judge : Excuse me.....but where is this all leading to ? Please get to the point .....

B-J : Contempt of court reflects an absence of respect for your honour.....not affection..... and although you had my respect, I felt it was necessary to let you know how much you upset me...... my growing dislike for you......and how you were beginning to get on my wick .......

Judge : Well, sadly for you.... no one in a courtroom is allowed to express their twisted, warped and negative emotions.....except for me....... as permitted by the rules of qualified privilege. So once again I am using this privilege to say what I really feel about you, which means that the three words I had used to describe you earlier on........ might well now be perceived as complimentary

B-J : I object.....those words you used to defame my good character clearly suggest to me that any judgement you intend to make will to be laced with prejudice and bias...

Judge : Bigot-Johnson....you are the most objectionable human being I have ever had the gross misfortune to encounter..... consequently I'm sending you down for 3 months...

B-J : I object....that means I going to miss out on next weeks' big pairs competition

Judge : No...make that 4 months....

B-J : Bugger

BIGOT-JOHNSON GETS TO THE POINT.................

( At a recent AGM Bigot-Johnson, the esteemed and revered chairman of the Slaughter House Bridge Club , decided now was time for a bit of straight-talking to a large audience of very concerned members. )

" I stand here in front of you ........ a proud, hardworking and dedicated chairman of a fine, willing and obedient committee. And please remember, if you do me the courtesy of asking no questions, then I'll tell you no lies. Nevertheless, I must bring to the floor's attention that these walls have ears. So yes, you are right to say there can be no smoke without a fire, and that thundering dark bigs clouds of it are hanging over this club.....but if any decisions are to be made tonight , we all need to be singing from the same hymn sheet. And God forbid, should the shit hit the fan.....especially when some very awkward questions are going to be asked by others.......everyone must stand shoulder to shoulder, because might is right. It is essential that no one stays out of the loop, because united we stand divided we fall. For it is an ill wind that blows no one any good. So please allow me to touch base and run this by you. The threat that looms very large requires all of us to think outside the box, but only when all the little boxes have been ticked first......because if we are going to shave our enemy, then a little soap will have to be applied first. Blue sky thinking isn't going to help us.......we need to be oven ready....we need to dot all the "i"s and "t"s , to get our story straight and be pulling in the same direction. We need to put all our ducks in a row, and pull off a showstopper of a united front. Then of course, we have a chance. The view from 10,000 feet doesn't look good....... so we need to strike while the iron is hot. Throwing balls up into the air to see where they land is of no bloody use to us now. Putting this problem on the back burner would be a complete cop out. Every one here has to put on their thinking hat and best foot forward. We need to be economical with the truth ....because needs must when the devil drives. Can I make myself any clearer ?.......

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : PASSBERKERS SYNDROME

This unusually common condition is one of the main reasons why so many bridge players never rise above the level of mediocrity. The syndrome relates to a fixed mind set, where rigid, totally inflexible thinking takes over from common sense, leading to restricted and repetitive patterns of bidding.

Players become ardent disciples to a set of rules which completely dictates the way they bid. Many of these rules command them to reach for the pass card far too often, when it seems obvious to others that better bids exist . The rogue axioms which seem to distort their thinking are as follows :

1. If in doubt PASS

2. Only bid to the level of fit in a competitive auction

3. Leave 5 level contracts to your opponents

4. As soon as you discover a misfit PASS at the first opportunity

5. Sometimes it is best to PASS and leave the final decision to partner

Victims of this tragic syndrome are not necessarily racked with fear, but their blinkered thinking severely impairs their ability to understand the mathematics of the game. They are unable to recognise the fact that one off doubled for minus 100 is a far superior score to allowing the opponents to make 110. Similarly, they fail to see that by bidding on, and going down 3 doubled for minus 500, is far better than conceding 620, given the likelihood that their opponents have a rigid game on.

Passberkers Syndrome is one that condemns its victims to never to win. They continue to lose out in auctions, because the reasons for picking up the pass card become so powerful and compelling . The vicious circle therefore becomes well entrenched and unbreakable.

Sadly, players with this condition can be easily identified, when during duplicate events their irate partners are bound at some stage to end up screaming at them in utter despair and disbelief. Indeed, the name given to this particular syndrome owed its origin to an incident at Young Chelsea BC , when a player passed his partner's 1NT on a rather meaty 12 count. At this point a loud voice boomed across the room ; " How the bloody hell can you PASS on that hand ! Only a BERK would do such a thing ".

EUPHEMISMS THAT REALLY TAKE SOME BEATING : WHAT BRIDGE PLAYERS SAY AND WHAT THEY ACTUALLY MEAN....... ( Revelations by Carp )

• active member : randy old git
• above reproach : shifts blame
• a honest player : covers his tracks well
• popular with members : a laughing stock
• sad loss to the club : members all wept ( with joy )
• irreplaceable : no one could be that bad
• great communicator : never stops talking
• well informed : nosey bastard
• full of tact and diplomacy : refuses to answer difficult questions
• a well honed partnership : can read each other's body language
• members respect him : he's bloody scary
• long serving member : club has never been able to rid of him
• supports the committee : arse licker
• will never be forgotten : everyone here bears grudges
• well known : at the centre of every scandal
• letter of complaint : defamatory rant
• unlucky : bloody hopeless
• error of judgement ; ( he's) off his head
• disciplinary hearing : Spanish inquisition
• deserving winners : jammy toe-rags
• selected on merit : well in with the selectors
• sponsored player : money grabbing gold digger
• giving up the game for good : probably back next week
• not of good standing : loathed and despised

AS AN AGEING BRIDGE PLAYER YOU KNOW YOU'RE OVER THE HILL WHEN.....

- two hands are needed to hold the weight of 13 cards

- it takes 3 or 4 attempts to pick out the right card from the bidding box

- happy smiling bridge players come across as really annoying

- being dummy even puts you under stress

- the highlight of your evening is a 50% board

- following suit is the one skill you have left

- acting " grumpy " becomes your permanent default mode

- partner sensibly carries the first aid box around with him

- asked about previous boards you simply can't recall them

- the only thing you exercise is caution

- novice opponents even relish the opportunity of coming to your table

- getting up from your seat is done in stages

- compass readings are necessary to find the North seat

- bidding constantly reaches the point where your ability and technique are sadly wanting

- regular partners keep having to re-introduce themselves

- having never got to the top of the hill you wonder how it is possible to be over it

LAW REPORT : AULD v. WALNUT TREE ALLOTMENT BC (2011)

( In this historic landmark case Bigot-Johnson stepped up to the plate to challenge the decision by the Club's disciplinary committee to expel Nicholas Auld, for his soul destroying shenanigans, fiery temper and other nefarious antics. Claiming that the expulsion was wrongful, Bigot was seeking reinstatement for his client. A short extract from the trial's transcript appears below .)

Defence Counsel (DC ): Your client... Bigot...... was banned because he intimidated and terrorised many of the club's more fragile, sensitive, and delicate members. Whenever he arrived at their table , these poor souls cringed with fear and acute anxiety.

B-J : My client may have his faults, but he is nothing more than a grumpy old man with attitude..... in fact most bridge clubs are full of his sort....

DC : No.....he is far worse than that....

B-J : Are you suggesting that he is a demon ? .........A devil ?

DC : No....I am not suggesting he is a devil....simply that he is The Devil !

B-J : What.....you mean that Auld Nick here is the Devil Incarnate.......Old Lucifer himself.....in the flesh......Are you stark raving mad ?

DC : Yes....that is my claim

B-J : Well, where the hell is your evidence ?

DC : Can't you see those two horns protruding from his head ?

B-J : Oh those....they're nothing but a couple of overgrown skin tags which have hardened off in the sun....

DC : And what about the fact that there is this number 666 found on his scalp ?

B-J : I'm sorry.... but that is nothing more than a 999 tattoo in dedication and respect of the emergency services

DC : So please explain to me..... his red slit eyes ?

B-J : Firstly, my client hasn't been able to sleep for ages, hence the bloodshot nature of his eyes.....and secondly, one of his parents was obviously of Chinese stock

DC : And the pointed ears ?

B-J : He's a big fan of Star Trek, who has tried to model his facial features on Spock, the Vulcan

DC : Well, let's get down to the fact that he appears to have goat's hooves !

B-J : Ah...I knew you would come to that......Well, poor Auld Nick was born with deformed club feet, and a weird passion to wear furry boots no matter what the weather .....or what the occasion

DC : So please explain to the court why there is no record of his birth

B-J : He was abandoned as a child because of his deformity....

DC : But there is still the matter of why your client constantly witters on about his encounter with Jesus Christ on Mount Sinae ....

B-J : Oh....I'm not aware of that.....

DC : Any one with half a brain can see that this man must be The Devil

B-J : Well, you've had your say...and now it's mine. Expelling my client from his beloved club is not only a breach of contract..... but it is also a breach of his Human Rights

Judge : But we've just established he isn't human !

B-J : Oh dear.......The Human Rights Act was the main platform on which I was planning to build my case

Judge : Not any more it isn't......so therefore I conclude this trial is at an end......case dismissed

B-J : Bugger......

INFAMOUS BRIDGE CLUBS : A BLAST FROM THE PAST....... ( Research by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

About the same time Sir Francis Dashwood was setting up the Hellfire BC for psychopathic toffs, aristocrats and landed gentry, another club hundreds of miles away was beginning to make an even bigger name for itself........ in this emerging and rather bizarre world of bridge.

Hades Bridge Club in Northumberland had a reputation for offering the most exciting form of bridge ever devised. Run and managed by one of the Devil's Disciples, ordinary members were always obliged to play against his army of minions, who always sat North South. But more importantly, Lucifer's lieutenant always set the hands for every duplicate event.

Stuck to the underside of each board was a card which revealed the auction bidding, what the final contract was, and who was deemed to be the declarer. If East or West was obliged to steer home a very makeable contract, then the right lines of play still had to be found because the minions, although not blessed with brilliance, would prove to be stubborn and competent defenders. Similarly, if the minions were required to be declarers, then the task for East/West pairs was to beat the beatable contract by solid and sensible defence.

However, the moment an E/W pair failed on a board, their time on earth was up, and in a flash they were whisked away into the limbo world of purgatory. For all those pairs who survived the evening, they all walked away with bags full of gold. So not only was the whole experience the equivalent of a never ending white knuckle ride, but the whole concept of mixing greed with fear simply enabled excitement levels to reach new unprecedented heights. The club, not surprisingly, had a 3 year waiting list despite its huge turnover of ordinary members.

Tragically, the club only survived for 4 years. With so many people disappearing off the face of the earth, local police concluded that supernatural forces were at work. Eventually they secured a court order to have the club closed down, before permission was given to have the place demolished.

Fondly mentioned in folklore stories, Hades BC unfortunately acquired the label of " infamous ". Nevertheless, the diaries of surviving members reveal a healthy respect they had for the club, waxing lyrical at the very high standard of bridge they encountered, and the joy of walking away from each duplicate evening far better off than when they arrived.

"TOXIC " TED BATEMAN ON HOW TO DO THINGS RIGHT........

I have always thought how much bridge partnerships should model themselves on tennis "doubles " players. Clearly both partnerships can only succeed when they have developed a superb understanding between each other, where both players work as a team, operating on the same wave length and backing each other up to the hilt.

Somehow tennis duos have recognised the benefit and advantages of geeing up one another, offering mutual support and positive encouragement after each and every point........irrespective of whether it is won or lost. But for bridge partnerships, it seems the opposite is true. Whenever they make the required number of tricks, it is always taken for granted that should happen. If on the other hand the trick count is less than it should have been, then it is time for accusations and serious recriminations.

So for all you nasty sorts out there who adamantly refuse to give up bollocking partners, here are some the best tips going on how to give your partner a right good bollocking :

- Always work yourself up into a complete frenzy first

- Never allow things to lie

- Use a tone of voice laced with anger, rage, disbelief and despair

- Make dramatic symbolic gestures, such as ripping up your scorecard or kicking your foot against the wall

- Always use your loudest voice when other people are gathered around

- And if others are present then try to look particularly cut up, aggrieved, and distraught, especially if you are seeking their sympathy and support

- Be relentless in your pursuit of getting partner to improve his/her game

- Recall all the other occasions the same errors were made

- Refer to the " Little Black Book " you keep to record all his/her misdemeanors , but pointing out it has now become a much larger one

- use imaginative and highly original insults, which are as biting as they are amusing to those listening in

- Keep on repeating any condemnation or criticism in order to hammer home the message

- Better still, always carry a hammer on your person because this can add real impact should you feel impact is warranted

- Never fire off one barrel if two can be fired off simultaneously in a simulated shotgun attack

So yes, never do things by half measures. If partner deserves a bollocking then give him or her one to remember, because in life you have to do things right.....right?

BRIDGE BOOKS WRITTEN BY BIGOT-JOHNSON WHICH NO ONE HAS EVER BOTHERED READING......

• Punishing Partner But Then Made To Pay For His Post-Op Care And Treatment
• Revisiting Hands I Went Off In : Volume 47
• Gaining Entry To My Inner Circle
• Bringing On A New Generation Of Top Players Through Genetic Engineering and Selective Breeding
• Developing " The Multi " For All Opening Bids Up To The 3 Level
• Going Back To Kitchen Bridge : Food For Thought
• Highlights In The Life Of A Serial Coffee Houser
• Random Leads, Bids And Unorthodox Plays Can Pay Dividends
• Bidding Theory For Gay Bridge Players : Backwards Thinking And Bum Ideas
• Taking On The Gay Expert Players : Effective Rear Guard Actions

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : THE PECKINEL SYNDROME

Of all the syndromes which affect bridge players , none are as tragic as the Peckinel Syndrome. Players who have it are frightened of themselves. Those who see it manifest in front of them get even more frightened, and sure as hell when I'm dealing with these clients I'm scared too. Once the syndrome locks in, victims are completely unable to control its symptoms.

The trigger is always the same : provocation perpetrated by others. No matter how small or slight the provocation might be , the victim will be overtaken by an uncontrollable urge to seek immediate revenge. In most cases he will react with verbal aggression, firing off volleys of condemnation, criticism and abuse. Occasionally, the inner rage causes his stronger arm to go " swingabout ", firstly by recoiling backwards before being thrust forward in a sharp " throwing " action. It's as though the alien, rogue arm has a mind and personality of its own.

Victims have often been seen slinging mud, as well as their hooks. Others have been spotted throwing wobblies, paddies, and tantrums, alongside evil glances, punches, and spanners in the works. Moreover, books ( the hard back variety) will also be thrown at those they condemn, not forgetting of course the throwing down of umpteen gauntlets here, there and everywhere. Occasionally, some have been seen throwing up. Often when victims start hurling abuse and insults around, they also have a tendency to pick up and hurl other small weighty objects, such as bridgemates , at those deemed responsible for their distress.

The tragedy is that players cursed with this condition are basically decent, charming and fun-loving folk , but the syndrome turns them into highly volatile, human containers, packed from tip-to-toe with nitroglycerin. One inadvertent knock or shake simply causes them to explode.

It is not surprising therefore that thousands of bridge clubs have a major problem on their hands, when members diagnosed this particular condition turn up to play. One such club is the Slaughter House BC near Bawtry, where it seems the majority of its members ( including its chairman ) have such an acute form of TPS that lives are at risk. Duplicate evenings therefore soon develop into a right free-for-all , with murder, madness and mayhem being the inevitable end to what started out as a social and friendly night of bridge.