- What To Say To Players Acting Most Inappropriately..................Jack Hitten
- How To Deal With Physically Aggressive Players........................Ann Cuffham
- The Best Way To Deal With Physically Aggressive Players........Ty M. Downe
- My Days At This Club Are Numbered For Sure...........................Honor Blacklist
- What Avenues Are There To Take Tough Disciplinary Action.......Manny Rhodes
- I'm Up Before The Disciplinary Committee And I'm Worried..........I . C. L. Tupey
- Players Who Cross The Line Deserve A Severe Beating............A. T. Lashings
- When A Player Completely Loses Control..................................Colin C. Curity
- In Our Club We Choose To Name And Shame Wrongdoers.......Y. Knott
- Permanent Solutions To Ridding The Club Of Miscreants............Bess Burnham
- Bigot-Johnson's Solution To Eliminating That Dreaded 2 %.........Ava Lynn Ching
Saturday, 31 October 2015
BRIDGE BOOKS SOLELY DEVOTED TO DISCIPLINARY MATTERS ........( Research by Pun )
Sunday, 25 October 2015
NEWSFLASH : BIGOT-JOHNSON ( SUPREME CHAIRMAN OF THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC ) PUBLISHES A REVISED JOB SPECIFICATION FOR A POSITION OF TEAM SELECTOR
Qualifications : None
Experience : Preferably none . Limited knowledge of the game. Knows very little or nothing about the players eligible for selection.
Areas of expertise : Back-stabbing . Obsequious grovelling. Sucking up. Sly , devious and underhand behaviour. Loves to be vindictive and with a penchant for sticking the boot in. Ability to work undercover and/or in the shadows. Believes in exercising extreme bias and prejudice. Flawed judgement. Oblivious to criticism.
Other qualities : Prepared to fly in the face of common sense and objectivity. Immune to criticism. Prepared to accept backhanders. Secretive. Prepared to deny anything. Great believer in favouritism. Bloated self-ego . Crippled with self-delusions. Control freak.
Role models : Attila The Hun , Hitler , The Borgias , Madame Guillotine , Lady Macbeth ,
Uriah Heap , Ming The Merciless, the Kray Brothers and the Wicked Witch of the West
Qualifications : None
Experience : Preferably none . Limited knowledge of the game. Knows very little or nothing about the players eligible for selection.
Areas of expertise : Back-stabbing . Obsequious grovelling. Sucking up. Sly , devious and underhand behaviour. Loves to be vindictive and with a penchant for sticking the boot in. Ability to work undercover and/or in the shadows. Believes in exercising extreme bias and prejudice. Flawed judgement. Oblivious to criticism.
Other qualities : Prepared to fly in the face of common sense and objectivity. Immune to criticism. Prepared to accept backhanders. Secretive. Prepared to deny anything. Great believer in favouritism. Bloated self-ego . Crippled with self-delusions. Control freak.
Role models : Attila The Hun , Hitler , The Borgias , Madame Guillotine , Lady Macbeth ,
Uriah Heap , Ming The Merciless, the Kray Brothers and the Wicked Witch of the West
COMMITTEE COCK-UPS : SHOULD " WE'RE ONLY AMATEURS " BE ACCEPTED AS A VALID EXCUSE ?
This is not an easy question to answer. Certainly in most social clubs committees are made up of willing volunteers , keen to serve the club in the best way they can. The fact is that any club member who wishes to stand for committee will quickly find him/herself on committee , given the absence of competition for places. Members often get elected unopposed , even for key posts , and so there is a real likelihood that people with no experience of running an organisation will end up taking on management responsibilities for which they are clearly ill-suited.
In small clubs committees are largely made up of amateurs, although long serving officers may have acquired the necessary guile and expertise to do a competent job.
However , in larger clubs many committees will be blessed with " professionals " in their ranks. These are people who have all the necessary management skills to undertake committee work in a highly effective and efficient way. Critical decision making , based on sound analysis and careful consideration , is what they are used to all their working lives. Accountants are ideal candidates to undertake the post of treasurer. Lawyers are perfect for the role of secretary, and retired chief executives would excel in the roles of chairman and vice-chairman. Bridge clubs , it should be noted , typically appeal to people who belong to the higher socio-economic grouping of upper middle-class individuals , boasting professional and managerial job status.
So when cock-ups occur , should such well-qualified committees be allowed to excuse themselves by claiming " we're only amateurs " ? I think not. The standard of care , and degree of competence , expected of these high calibre people must be way above that of the man on the Clapham omnibus. Decisions they make should reflect sound business acumen. Their collective knowledge , skill and wisdom is so immense , they should not be making cock-ups in the first place , let alone resorting to limp excuses to deny any responsibility or blame.
So if a committee , contrary to expectations , botch up a disciplinary process , by failing to follow their own Constitution rules , or adhere to rules of natural justice , they cannot excuse themselves on the grounds of " amateurism ".
What they can be guilty of is abuse of power , by believing they are a law unto themselves , and that private social clubs should be exempt . possibly , immune from any outside or judicial interference. It some instances this blinkered view reflects arrogance as opposed to ignorance. As one learned judge astutely pointed out " unfortunately there is always the hazard of the sheer ineptitude of honest and well meaning gentlemen with little or no training in legal matters , being asked to undertake the quasi-judicial functions involved in a club's disciplinary process ".
This is not an easy question to answer. Certainly in most social clubs committees are made up of willing volunteers , keen to serve the club in the best way they can. The fact is that any club member who wishes to stand for committee will quickly find him/herself on committee , given the absence of competition for places. Members often get elected unopposed , even for key posts , and so there is a real likelihood that people with no experience of running an organisation will end up taking on management responsibilities for which they are clearly ill-suited.
In small clubs committees are largely made up of amateurs, although long serving officers may have acquired the necessary guile and expertise to do a competent job.
However , in larger clubs many committees will be blessed with " professionals " in their ranks. These are people who have all the necessary management skills to undertake committee work in a highly effective and efficient way. Critical decision making , based on sound analysis and careful consideration , is what they are used to all their working lives. Accountants are ideal candidates to undertake the post of treasurer. Lawyers are perfect for the role of secretary, and retired chief executives would excel in the roles of chairman and vice-chairman. Bridge clubs , it should be noted , typically appeal to people who belong to the higher socio-economic grouping of upper middle-class individuals , boasting professional and managerial job status.
So when cock-ups occur , should such well-qualified committees be allowed to excuse themselves by claiming " we're only amateurs " ? I think not. The standard of care , and degree of competence , expected of these high calibre people must be way above that of the man on the Clapham omnibus. Decisions they make should reflect sound business acumen. Their collective knowledge , skill and wisdom is so immense , they should not be making cock-ups in the first place , let alone resorting to limp excuses to deny any responsibility or blame.
So if a committee , contrary to expectations , botch up a disciplinary process , by failing to follow their own Constitution rules , or adhere to rules of natural justice , they cannot excuse themselves on the grounds of " amateurism ".
What they can be guilty of is abuse of power , by believing they are a law unto themselves , and that private social clubs should be exempt . possibly , immune from any outside or judicial interference. It some instances this blinkered view reflects arrogance as opposed to ignorance. As one learned judge astutely pointed out " unfortunately there is always the hazard of the sheer ineptitude of honest and well meaning gentlemen with little or no training in legal matters , being asked to undertake the quasi-judicial functions involved in a club's disciplinary process ".
Friday, 23 October 2015
BIGOT-JOHNSON REPLIES........
( Having just received a letter from the club secretary informing him of a pending disciplinary hearing in regards to a complaint about his table manners , Bigot felt it necessary to reply to " Madame Guillotine " in no uncertain terms. )
Secretary ,
No way can you expect me to put on this strait-jacket of conformity , which now appears to be key part of the club's authoritarian approach to controlling the members . Fools who conform to this 1984 nonsense are, of course , all completely insane . No one in his right mind would willingly succumb to the club's draconian zero tolerance policy rules . Therefore , it should come as no surprise that I intend to remain a free spirit , prepared as ever to call a spade a spade.
Nevertheless , I am fully aware that my club membership hangs by a slender thread following this unfortunate incident in which I tried to ram my pointed pencil into fat Stanley's strumming hand. According to you this was " conduct unbecoming to the dignity of the association ".
Well , first off what about his annoying and provocative behaviour of strumming his fingers on the table top. This inane piano playing simulation really got my gander up and I had to do something to stop it. Verbal requests fell on his deaf ears. Consequently , direct action was called for.
Secondly , it wasn't as if I succeeded. Despite his immense , grossly offensive bulk , this human eye-sore had the reflex responses of a fast moving fly. Moreover , there wasn't a single mark on his fat puffy-looking hand , and I don't think he suffered any physical damage whatsoever ( more's the pity ! ).
But what can you do when opponents wilfully set out to rattle my cage and employ cunning psychological ploys to put me off my game ? I'm the victim here....not that obese oily toe-rag , who will get more than a sharp pencil thrust into Michelin tyre torso , once I track the elusive bastard down.
Yours full of good intentions,
Howard Bigot-Johnson
( Having just received a letter from the club secretary informing him of a pending disciplinary hearing in regards to a complaint about his table manners , Bigot felt it necessary to reply to " Madame Guillotine " in no uncertain terms. )
Secretary ,
No way can you expect me to put on this strait-jacket of conformity , which now appears to be key part of the club's authoritarian approach to controlling the members . Fools who conform to this 1984 nonsense are, of course , all completely insane . No one in his right mind would willingly succumb to the club's draconian zero tolerance policy rules . Therefore , it should come as no surprise that I intend to remain a free spirit , prepared as ever to call a spade a spade.
Nevertheless , I am fully aware that my club membership hangs by a slender thread following this unfortunate incident in which I tried to ram my pointed pencil into fat Stanley's strumming hand. According to you this was " conduct unbecoming to the dignity of the association ".
Well , first off what about his annoying and provocative behaviour of strumming his fingers on the table top. This inane piano playing simulation really got my gander up and I had to do something to stop it. Verbal requests fell on his deaf ears. Consequently , direct action was called for.
Secondly , it wasn't as if I succeeded. Despite his immense , grossly offensive bulk , this human eye-sore had the reflex responses of a fast moving fly. Moreover , there wasn't a single mark on his fat puffy-looking hand , and I don't think he suffered any physical damage whatsoever ( more's the pity ! ).
But what can you do when opponents wilfully set out to rattle my cage and employ cunning psychological ploys to put me off my game ? I'm the victim here....not that obese oily toe-rag , who will get more than a sharp pencil thrust into Michelin tyre torso , once I track the elusive bastard down.
Yours full of good intentions,
Howard Bigot-Johnson
Wednesday, 21 October 2015
12 THINGS MALE BRIDGE PLAYERS DON'T UNDERSTAND ABOUT THE LITTLE OLD LADIES...... ( Research by Carp )
1. Why so many of them turn up to play bridge with handbag by their sides ?
2. Why are there so many items in these handbags (and what are they all for ) ?
3. Why ladies regard bridge as a " social " event when they know the competitive nature of the
game brings about the complete opposite ?
4. What possesses them to partner one another on a regular basis when history tells them
their results will be nothing more than abysmal ?
5. Why female players regard honest and frank remarks about their play as unwarranted and
vindictive criticism ?
6. Why they always have innocent and legitimate excuses for their rather dubious and highly
suspicious hesitations ?
7. Why timid bidding and routine play continues to be their only strategic game plan ?
8. Why they choose to partner their bridge playing husbands given the fact they can't abide
their chauvinistic , sexist attitudes and irritating bad habits ?
9. Why lady players are so completely obsessed with the Losing Trick Count approach to
bidding , rather than employ obvious sacrifices and bold , daring initiatives ?
10. Why they always over-dress for the occasion , in sharp contrast to the men who turn up to
the club looking like tramps ?
11. Why they arrive early at the club only to go straight to the tables, rather than " socialise and
banter " in the bar room ?
12. Why they seek to take up teaching beginners , given their chronic lack of achievement
and success at the game ?
1. Why so many of them turn up to play bridge with handbag by their sides ?
2. Why are there so many items in these handbags (and what are they all for ) ?
3. Why ladies regard bridge as a " social " event when they know the competitive nature of the
game brings about the complete opposite ?
4. What possesses them to partner one another on a regular basis when history tells them
their results will be nothing more than abysmal ?
5. Why female players regard honest and frank remarks about their play as unwarranted and
vindictive criticism ?
6. Why they always have innocent and legitimate excuses for their rather dubious and highly
suspicious hesitations ?
7. Why timid bidding and routine play continues to be their only strategic game plan ?
8. Why they choose to partner their bridge playing husbands given the fact they can't abide
their chauvinistic , sexist attitudes and irritating bad habits ?
9. Why lady players are so completely obsessed with the Losing Trick Count approach to
bidding , rather than employ obvious sacrifices and bold , daring initiatives ?
10. Why they always over-dress for the occasion , in sharp contrast to the men who turn up to
the club looking like tramps ?
11. Why they arrive early at the club only to go straight to the tables, rather than " socialise and
banter " in the bar room ?
12. Why they seek to take up teaching beginners , given their chronic lack of achievement
and success at the game ?
Tuesday, 20 October 2015
THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED YET AGAIN.......
- Male : a club member of the opposing , or should I say , unfairer sex
- Chairman's report : a well crafted document which always reveals the exquisite art of persuading fools to accept that all black things are really white
- Field : a place where boorish bidders trot out porkies in order to hog the contracts and play
- Bridge club : a venue more in keeping with a pantomime or theatre of the absurd , where men and women desperately seek to upstage one another throughout the entire play
- Aim : what should always be taken prior to the launch of a missile or flying bridgemate
- Table money : a flat-rate payment based on occupation of property : similar in principle to that of the discredited poll tax
- Disobedience : acts perpetrated by brave and courageous members who refuse to submit to the stifling and crippling demands to behave in a totally passive , compliant and subservient way
- Advice : what every bridge loves to offer another , irrespective of its value , worth or credibility
- Laughter : a natural human instinct totally suppressed and outlawed in bridge clubs where zero tolerance policies have been mercilessly enforced
- Hurry : a notion or concept which is a complete anathema to the legions of slow players that blight this noble game of bridge
- Cock-up : for the majority of players it is an outcome they fear and dread the most , whilst for others it is the best way imaginable to round off an excellent evening of bridge
- Gross misconduct : an offence next up in line ( in degree of enormity ) to a slight. An example of this would be the airborne movement of a bridgemate across the table involving take-off and landing
- Absurdity : the incredulous belief held by numerous players that they can actually play bridge , which is manifestly inconsistent with their results
- Investigation committee : a hand-picked group of people committed to provide evidence and approval for a course of action already decided upon by the chairman
- Mercy : an attribute long lost by those who with unrelenting ferocity administer and enforce zero tolerance policies
- Apology : a hollow , cunningly contrived statement , given by an offending player simply to lay down the foundations for a future offence
Sunday, 18 October 2015
THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED............
- Smugness : the joyous sensation which arises from heaping misery on an opponent , who has fallen victim on two consecutive boards to your outrageous psychs
- Hatred : a sentiment directed at an unhelpful , pompous , unsympathetic TD
- Numpty : a member of a large breed of rabbits who are oblivious to the fact that they are hopeless at bridge
- Bridge classes : usually run and conducted by those with questionable bridge know-how: a classic example of the blind leading the blind
- Hand : a singular bony instrument at the end of a player's arm ideally suited for thrusting into the face of an irritating opponent
- Magic : having ended up in a ridiculously overbid contract , this mystical art is employed to help engineer tricks out of nothing , thereby achieving success against all expectations of defeat
- Psych : a wicked and blatant lie revered by those who slag off their parties for any bidding errors they make , no matter how insignificant or small
- Sponsored pro : hired for his professional expertise he keeps one hand in his client's pocket making sure the other is free during play to thump the table in abject despair
- Injustice : the unfortunate consequence of bidding and playing a contract with divine inspiration and skill , only to register a complete bottom on the board in question
- Self-proclaimed expert : a player so lost in rapturous contemplation of his presumed talents that he is fails to see how others have labelled him " a numpty "
- Nose : the extreme outpost of the face most at risk from a dive-bombing attack by the fast approaching flying bridgemate
- Acol : an obsolete and inadequate bidding system for the demands of the modern game but one which is still used in the UK by those renown for their stubborn refusal to embrace new ideas and change
- Nagging : a verbal assault of the ears , the incessant beating of the ear drums, being the irrefutable proof that bridge is not the social and friendly game it is claimed to be
- Disciplinary hearing : a cynical exercise from which the outcome , a foregone conclusion, is the product of closed minds , narrow thinking , baseless pre-judgements and shameless bias
Saturday, 17 October 2015
DOSSIERS FOR DISCIPLINARY HEARINGS : BIGOT-JOHNSON REVEALS THE SECRET TO SUCCESS
In many bridge clubs there will be committees with blacklists of members they would love to see the back of. Unfortunately getting rid of these undesirables is no easy task when these buggers rarely , if ever , step out of line. Therefore , a well orchestrated and coordinated plan needs to be put into place , awaiting some pretext on which to charge the member with a disciplinary offence. This of course can come about the moment a written complaint is sent in to the committee , irrespective of its spurious and frivolous allegations.
If the alleged offence happens to be slight or insignificant , warranting only a slap on the wrist , then compiling a dossier on the member's dark and sinful past becomes a must. This document will serve and justify the committee's decision to implement a life ban.
The dossier is key. It is of paramount importance. It needs to reflect detailed and meticulous research , dedication to the cause , creativity and invention , pure venom and complete mastery of the hyperbole.
Indeed , the perfect dossier must fulfil the following 10 requirements :
1. It must be presented in a black cover , as this symbolic colour enhances its sinister and evil
content
2. Make it a heavy object , such that when it is slammed down on the table the loud noise gives
the impression that its weight of content is both substantial and overwhelming
3. The dossier must contain all the possible dirt that there is too find on the member concerned
which stretches right back to his/her infant days , when nappy soiling was a daily occurrence
4. Dig deep , and make sure each bit of unearthed dirt is skillfully enhanced by exaggeration
and hyperbole in order to maximise its shock value.
5. No stone must be left unturned by those engaged in background research , who must be
willing and able to go to great lengths to discover all the run-ins the member has had with
the police , government officials and authority figures
6. If real dirt is short on the ground then the dossier must be packed with hearsay, outrageous
speculations , ugly rumours , tittle-tattle gossip and all manner of unfounded accusations
7. Details of broken relationships , failed marriages , family bust-ups , spats with traffic
wardens , work-colleagues , bridge partners , TDs , and overly officious types often provide
a rich source of content
8. In the rare case that the member has a clean past , then base the dossier on covert
surveillance information gleaned from round-the-clock spying operations. These might pick
up instances of litter dropping , alcohol drinking , car speeding , illegal parking , swearing in
public , plus many other forms of deviant behaviour. These lapses will all help to blacken the
member's character beyond forgiveness and redemption
9. Any information , however , which tends to put the member in a " good light " must be
both ignored and destroyed
10. The dossier needs to be a work of art in portraying the member as evil , because
otherwise all that time , energy and effort in fitting-up the accused will be wasted
In many bridge clubs there will be committees with blacklists of members they would love to see the back of. Unfortunately getting rid of these undesirables is no easy task when these buggers rarely , if ever , step out of line. Therefore , a well orchestrated and coordinated plan needs to be put into place , awaiting some pretext on which to charge the member with a disciplinary offence. This of course can come about the moment a written complaint is sent in to the committee , irrespective of its spurious and frivolous allegations.
If the alleged offence happens to be slight or insignificant , warranting only a slap on the wrist , then compiling a dossier on the member's dark and sinful past becomes a must. This document will serve and justify the committee's decision to implement a life ban.
The dossier is key. It is of paramount importance. It needs to reflect detailed and meticulous research , dedication to the cause , creativity and invention , pure venom and complete mastery of the hyperbole.
Indeed , the perfect dossier must fulfil the following 10 requirements :
1. It must be presented in a black cover , as this symbolic colour enhances its sinister and evil
content
2. Make it a heavy object , such that when it is slammed down on the table the loud noise gives
the impression that its weight of content is both substantial and overwhelming
3. The dossier must contain all the possible dirt that there is too find on the member concerned
which stretches right back to his/her infant days , when nappy soiling was a daily occurrence
4. Dig deep , and make sure each bit of unearthed dirt is skillfully enhanced by exaggeration
and hyperbole in order to maximise its shock value.
5. No stone must be left unturned by those engaged in background research , who must be
willing and able to go to great lengths to discover all the run-ins the member has had with
the police , government officials and authority figures
6. If real dirt is short on the ground then the dossier must be packed with hearsay, outrageous
speculations , ugly rumours , tittle-tattle gossip and all manner of unfounded accusations
7. Details of broken relationships , failed marriages , family bust-ups , spats with traffic
wardens , work-colleagues , bridge partners , TDs , and overly officious types often provide
a rich source of content
8. In the rare case that the member has a clean past , then base the dossier on covert
surveillance information gleaned from round-the-clock spying operations. These might pick
up instances of litter dropping , alcohol drinking , car speeding , illegal parking , swearing in
public , plus many other forms of deviant behaviour. These lapses will all help to blacken the
member's character beyond forgiveness and redemption
9. Any information , however , which tends to put the member in a " good light " must be
both ignored and destroyed
10. The dossier needs to be a work of art in portraying the member as evil , because
otherwise all that time , energy and effort in fitting-up the accused will be wasted
Friday, 16 October 2015
BRIDGE BOOKS ONCE READ NEVER FORGOTTEN .....
( Regrets by Pun )
( Regrets by Pun )
- If That Woman Had Put In A Complaint About Me.............................Ida Kilder
- Searching For The Perfect Partner Takes Me Far Afield....................Wanda Lust
- Don't Take Chances If You Can't Trust Partner's Penalty Double.......Bess Pullett
- Member's Law Suit Against Club Makes Front Page News................Major Ed Lynes
- He Always Manages To Get The Committee On His Side ?...............Gus E. Swelling
- I'm Sorry I'm Not Up To Playing Bridge These Days........................Ricky T. Aldman
- Any Damage To Club Property Requires You To Pay Up Now...........Bill Meinstead
- What ! You've Got A Secret Dossier On Me..................................Ann Dittova
- Yes , I Know Exactly Why I'm A Troublemaker ..............................Bjorn Toby Wilde
- Madam , Have I Found You The Perfect Partner............................Dizzy Shagwell
Monday, 12 October 2015
LADY LUCK IS WHO YOU REALLY NEED AS A PARTNER ..... ( Article by Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber )
There's no getting away from the fact that luck plays a big part in being successful at the table. Even though good players make their own luck , they wont deny the fact that fortunate gifts from error-prone opponents will greatly help their cause. It is always a b;essing to play against weaker opponents on tricky hands , which gives them unlimited opportunities to make errors and to hand you easy tops. So when these numpties meet another crack pair , who along with the field bid a small slam in spades with only one trick to lose , taking their one trick with Ace of trumps poses no problems whatsoever to earn them a flat board.
So yes , I am a great believer in Lady Luck . So much so I have adapted the lyrics of a song ( of the same title ) in dedication to the partner I cherish the most . This title track comes from the Cate Bros superb first album . which was released in the mid 1970's.
Lady Luck wont you stay with me for a while
If my scores could improve then so would my smile
For if you were my friend
All my worries would end
Success could be mine displaying daring and style
You could make my life much brighter
You could make my dreams come true
You could make my burden seem lighter
As my guardian angel I'm counting on you
Lady Luck wont you stay with me for a while
For I'm a man without cunning , wisdom and guile
I need that gift of second sight
To make my decisions always right
Then success could be mine by a country mile
Lady Luck
I know so much about you
I can't win without you
Please stay with me
At least
Just for a while
There's no getting away from the fact that luck plays a big part in being successful at the table. Even though good players make their own luck , they wont deny the fact that fortunate gifts from error-prone opponents will greatly help their cause. It is always a b;essing to play against weaker opponents on tricky hands , which gives them unlimited opportunities to make errors and to hand you easy tops. So when these numpties meet another crack pair , who along with the field bid a small slam in spades with only one trick to lose , taking their one trick with Ace of trumps poses no problems whatsoever to earn them a flat board.
So yes , I am a great believer in Lady Luck . So much so I have adapted the lyrics of a song ( of the same title ) in dedication to the partner I cherish the most . This title track comes from the Cate Bros superb first album . which was released in the mid 1970's.
Lady Luck wont you stay with me for a while
If my scores could improve then so would my smile
For if you were my friend
All my worries would end
Success could be mine displaying daring and style
You could make my life much brighter
You could make my dreams come true
You could make my burden seem lighter
As my guardian angel I'm counting on you
Lady Luck wont you stay with me for a while
For I'm a man without cunning , wisdom and guile
I need that gift of second sight
To make my decisions always right
Then success could be mine by a country mile
Lady Luck
I know so much about you
I can't win without you
Please stay with me
At least
Just for a while
Sunday, 11 October 2015
" DON'T COURT DISASTER "....... ( A short play by Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber especially written for patrons of the absurd )
Judge : I must say that with the possible exception of party political leaders engaged in a TV podium debate , there is nothing like litigation to provide a theatre for the drama known as life
Counsel for the plaintiff : Oh , I thought this court case would equate more with a farce given the bizarre and unusual events which have led up to it. Punishing my client with a life ban for ripping up his scorecard , and then to deposit the tiny pieces on top of his partner's head , seems both disproportional and vindictive
Counsel for the defendants : My clients totally disagree. They subscribe to the view that a bridge club , like a church , constitutes a place of sanctuary. Consequently , a duty is placed on all its members who turn up to play not to commit any transgressions whatsoever. What the plaintiff did was an unforgivable sin , which merited punishment in keeping with a biblical stoning.
Judge : As the appointed judge in this case I am deeply concerned about the costs you will both incur , and given the amount of money you have already spent on legal fees I am perplexed as to why you have failed to find a resolution to this dispute. Therefore I feel it necessary to offer you the opportunity here and now to go into the room next door , with your legal counsel , in one last ditch attempt effort to reconcile your differences and reach an amicable settlement
Counsel for the plaintiff : My client is adamant it's all or nothing for him
Council for the defendants : My clients will not concede an inch. In their fixed and rigid minds even partial surrender is not an option. It's death or glory for them
Judge : Nevertheless , you are all going into that room to discuss an out of court settlement , and to reasonably consider all the implications of a lengthy trial , in which each side could well be asked to meet their own costs
( At this point both counsel and their clients , as instructed , slouch off into the room to talk things over , but within ten minutes they were back before the judge )
Judge : So I take it then you have failed to settle this dispute ?
Counsel for the plaintiff : A correct observation indeed , your Honour
Judge : How close were you ?
Counsel for the defendants : I'm afraid to say we were not in the same universe
Judge : So I am being held hostage to a lengthy trial simply because both your clients want their day in court simply to get an authoritative verdict over whether the expulsion was right or wrong. Yet the sad fact remains it is a fundamental cornerstone of our judicial system to be given the opportunity to go to court , when all other avenues for resolving the dispute have been explored and exhausted. However , if this has happened as a consequence of insanity prevailing over common sense , then I regard both parties as being cast as pantomime villains.......Ah well , let the show commence,,,,,,
Judge : I must say that with the possible exception of party political leaders engaged in a TV podium debate , there is nothing like litigation to provide a theatre for the drama known as life
Counsel for the plaintiff : Oh , I thought this court case would equate more with a farce given the bizarre and unusual events which have led up to it. Punishing my client with a life ban for ripping up his scorecard , and then to deposit the tiny pieces on top of his partner's head , seems both disproportional and vindictive
Counsel for the defendants : My clients totally disagree. They subscribe to the view that a bridge club , like a church , constitutes a place of sanctuary. Consequently , a duty is placed on all its members who turn up to play not to commit any transgressions whatsoever. What the plaintiff did was an unforgivable sin , which merited punishment in keeping with a biblical stoning.
Judge : As the appointed judge in this case I am deeply concerned about the costs you will both incur , and given the amount of money you have already spent on legal fees I am perplexed as to why you have failed to find a resolution to this dispute. Therefore I feel it necessary to offer you the opportunity here and now to go into the room next door , with your legal counsel , in one last ditch attempt effort to reconcile your differences and reach an amicable settlement
Counsel for the plaintiff : My client is adamant it's all or nothing for him
Council for the defendants : My clients will not concede an inch. In their fixed and rigid minds even partial surrender is not an option. It's death or glory for them
Judge : Nevertheless , you are all going into that room to discuss an out of court settlement , and to reasonably consider all the implications of a lengthy trial , in which each side could well be asked to meet their own costs
( At this point both counsel and their clients , as instructed , slouch off into the room to talk things over , but within ten minutes they were back before the judge )
Judge : So I take it then you have failed to settle this dispute ?
Counsel for the plaintiff : A correct observation indeed , your Honour
Judge : How close were you ?
Counsel for the defendants : I'm afraid to say we were not in the same universe
Judge : So I am being held hostage to a lengthy trial simply because both your clients want their day in court simply to get an authoritative verdict over whether the expulsion was right or wrong. Yet the sad fact remains it is a fundamental cornerstone of our judicial system to be given the opportunity to go to court , when all other avenues for resolving the dispute have been explored and exhausted. However , if this has happened as a consequence of insanity prevailing over common sense , then I regard both parties as being cast as pantomime villains.......Ah well , let the show commence,,,,,,
Thursday, 8 October 2015
THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED........
- Mistake : ( a ) something your partner makes but never you ( b) choosing to partner someone inferior to yourself , and ( c ) calling an opponent " a cheat " who happens to have a fearsome temper and a lethal left hook
- Frigid : ( a ) an alternative term of reference to a contract which cannot be beaten if played with even a modicum of skill , or ( b ) an apt description of a woman who claims to be your partner but wont let you anywhere near her
- Cold : ( a ) an apt description of the shoulder you get when making advances towards a frigid partner, or ( b ) the kind of look you receive from your team-mates when your abysmal scorecard was responsible for losing the match
- Grand slam : the action taken by an extremely pissed off player when leaving the building in a state of absolute distress , using the door to vent his/her spleen
- Ace : a player renown for piloting a flying bridgemate with genuine expertise , being able to carry out airborne attacks with precision , accuracy and skill
- Nepotism : the basis on which bridge committees are formed , which involves family members and friends working together to consolidate their power base to the exclusion of all others
- AGM voters : ordinary members who experience the sacred privilege of voting onto committee the only candidate named on the ballot paper for each particular post or office up for grabs
- Zero tolerance : a god sent philosophy by which those in power , with axes to grind , are given limitless opportunities to sever the scrawny neck of any undesirable member the moment he raises his ugly head about the parapet
- Secretary : an appointed officer with a roving commission to lie
- Minutes : the equivalent of painting a snow covered landscape on a white canvass
- Danger card : one which you quickly regret playing after seeing your enraged partner head off to the kitchen for a sharp knife
- Hesitation : a crude and obvious ploy of taking one's time before making a bid , with the specific aim of giving partner additional information about your hand
- Singleton : having just one card in a suit which you are obliged to hesitate over before playing it , in a blatant attempt to convince the opponents you had others to choose from
- Table talk : a foolish practice which amounts to aiding and abetting bat-eared cheaters, desperate to secure crucial information about hands they are about to play
- Off-centre bids : lies which have not cut their teeth : the arrogant, undisciplined player's approach to blending part truth with deception
- Bridge : originally intended as a social and friendly game for humans , which has now become the battlefield for cheating dogs , predatory sharks , spiteful cats and rampaging hogs
- Overbidding : the hideous and dangerous practice of winning a competitive auction at any cost , so popular with those reviled for showing off , or being selfish hogs never happy unless they are declarer
- Shenanigans : what any self-serving committee gets up to in the pursuit of carrying out their personal agendas , grudges , and vendettas
Wednesday, 7 October 2015
Tuesday, 6 October 2015
WHY PLAYERS CHEAT AT BRIDGE.......( Article by Carp )
Despite the verdict of an English judge that bridge isn't a sport , everyone knows how seriously competitive this game can be. Therefore it doesn't come as any surprise to find that cheating in bridge is just as prevalent as it is in all other sports. So why do players cheat ? Is this abhorrent behaviour the inevitable by-product of today's money rich, highly sophisticated , publicity driven sports ?
For the competitive player in the battle arena there is the constant analysis of what the opponents are capable of , what they are doing , and what tactics they may be employing , legitimate or otherwise. Players are acutely aware of what can change a game in their favour, such as footballers feigning contact , and falling to the ground to win penalties.
Many players focus only on the their results , and failure to achieve success impacts badly on both their reputation and ability to move up through the ranks. Indeed , it may well be that fear of failure drives many to succumb to gamesmanship , underhand tactics and outright cheating. Being talented is not enough : trophies and kudos are the things that matter more.
Although competitors are asked to take responsibility for their own actions , many are willing to stoop to gamesmanship and unethical tactics simply because of their powerful " motivational orientation ". The harsh reality is that these highly motivated players are ego-orientated ( always comparing themselves to others ) and as such are more prone to unsporting behaviour. This is often exacerbated by a " win-at-all-cost " attitude. Even the great and highly respected Bill Shankly, manager of Liverpool FC , said that " winning at football is not a matter of life and death....it's much more important than that ".
Top players , in any sport , are too easily motivated by external rewards, and the prestige that comes with success. So when they appear on the world stage , the temptation to cheat is even greater. We all remember Maradonna's " hand of God " goal , which helped put Argentina through to the next stage of the football World Cup at England's expense. For the majority of bridge players , who supposedly play the game for its enjoyment , there is still the irresistible desire for self-improvement , along side the quest to climb up the rankings ladder.
Sadly, sportsmanship doesn't get a lot of plugs or positive publicity. But what is more alarming is the desire of players to bend or subvert the rules of the game , a failing which seems permanently ingrained in the human psyche. Some sports easily lend themselves to both gamesmanship and cheating, especially when the opportunities to do so seem unlimited. This is particularly true of bridge where there are thousands of ways in which cheats can employ their evil craft.
In snooker , subtle cheating takes place when players purposely slow a match down to frustrate their opponents. Bridge of course is plagued with those who deliberate for ages over each and every bid , and each and every card they play. Often these people are experienced players facing simple choices in bog standard situations , so the motive behind their slow play cannot be one based on tackling complex and difficult problems.
Cheating of course can help a player fulfill his/her ambitions , enabling them to realise their aspirations and goals. The notion that cheating might not be in their best interests is one which never enters their minds. What needs to happen is for governing bodies to make cheating and gamesmanship counter-productive . Those caught or suspected of foul play must forfeit their right to participate in this noble and majestic game. If on the other hand cheating is allowed to continue by having no response or means to tackle the problem , then perhaps we should just accept it as part of the game.
Certainly over the years the perceptions of what counts as cheating have changed for the worse , and even when one form of unethical conduct has been successfully addressed , the cheats simply find another avenue through which to secure an unfair advantage. Players who love bridge do so because they are participating in the ultimate game. But unscrupulous players see cheating as a secondary game , which adds an exciting new dimension to their bridge experience. This enables them to entwine odious deceit with legitimate deception : a combination which offers these amoral , no-conscience rogues a world of unbridled joy.
Despite the verdict of an English judge that bridge isn't a sport , everyone knows how seriously competitive this game can be. Therefore it doesn't come as any surprise to find that cheating in bridge is just as prevalent as it is in all other sports. So why do players cheat ? Is this abhorrent behaviour the inevitable by-product of today's money rich, highly sophisticated , publicity driven sports ?
For the competitive player in the battle arena there is the constant analysis of what the opponents are capable of , what they are doing , and what tactics they may be employing , legitimate or otherwise. Players are acutely aware of what can change a game in their favour, such as footballers feigning contact , and falling to the ground to win penalties.
Many players focus only on the their results , and failure to achieve success impacts badly on both their reputation and ability to move up through the ranks. Indeed , it may well be that fear of failure drives many to succumb to gamesmanship , underhand tactics and outright cheating. Being talented is not enough : trophies and kudos are the things that matter more.
Although competitors are asked to take responsibility for their own actions , many are willing to stoop to gamesmanship and unethical tactics simply because of their powerful " motivational orientation ". The harsh reality is that these highly motivated players are ego-orientated ( always comparing themselves to others ) and as such are more prone to unsporting behaviour. This is often exacerbated by a " win-at-all-cost " attitude. Even the great and highly respected Bill Shankly, manager of Liverpool FC , said that " winning at football is not a matter of life and death....it's much more important than that ".
Top players , in any sport , are too easily motivated by external rewards, and the prestige that comes with success. So when they appear on the world stage , the temptation to cheat is even greater. We all remember Maradonna's " hand of God " goal , which helped put Argentina through to the next stage of the football World Cup at England's expense. For the majority of bridge players , who supposedly play the game for its enjoyment , there is still the irresistible desire for self-improvement , along side the quest to climb up the rankings ladder.
Sadly, sportsmanship doesn't get a lot of plugs or positive publicity. But what is more alarming is the desire of players to bend or subvert the rules of the game , a failing which seems permanently ingrained in the human psyche. Some sports easily lend themselves to both gamesmanship and cheating, especially when the opportunities to do so seem unlimited. This is particularly true of bridge where there are thousands of ways in which cheats can employ their evil craft.
In snooker , subtle cheating takes place when players purposely slow a match down to frustrate their opponents. Bridge of course is plagued with those who deliberate for ages over each and every bid , and each and every card they play. Often these people are experienced players facing simple choices in bog standard situations , so the motive behind their slow play cannot be one based on tackling complex and difficult problems.
Cheating of course can help a player fulfill his/her ambitions , enabling them to realise their aspirations and goals. The notion that cheating might not be in their best interests is one which never enters their minds. What needs to happen is for governing bodies to make cheating and gamesmanship counter-productive . Those caught or suspected of foul play must forfeit their right to participate in this noble and majestic game. If on the other hand cheating is allowed to continue by having no response or means to tackle the problem , then perhaps we should just accept it as part of the game.
Certainly over the years the perceptions of what counts as cheating have changed for the worse , and even when one form of unethical conduct has been successfully addressed , the cheats simply find another avenue through which to secure an unfair advantage. Players who love bridge do so because they are participating in the ultimate game. But unscrupulous players see cheating as a secondary game , which adds an exciting new dimension to their bridge experience. This enables them to entwine odious deceit with legitimate deception : a combination which offers these amoral , no-conscience rogues a world of unbridled joy.
Monday, 5 October 2015
BRIDGE BOOKS TOP PLAYERS NEVER DREAMED OF OWNING.....( Revelations by Pun )
- I've Just Gone And Trumped My Partner's Ace............................Sally Mee
- I'll Tell You Partner Why I'm So Bloody Worried..........................Honor Blacklist
- The Italians Always Celebrate Their Victories With A Song..........E. I. Adio
- When The Game Gets Tough There's Only One Thing To Do........Jack Hittin
- Take My Advice Oppo : Never Trust My Partner's Bids..................Eliza Lott
- How Do You Regard Our Next Opponents Partner ?........................Vic Timms
- The Chairman Has Promised To Turn This Club Around................M. T. Wards
- As Far As I Know We've Done Nothing Wrong.............................N. D. Nyle
- I'm Pretty Certain The Club Is In Real Trouble.............................Di R. Straits
- There's Only One Person I Fear The Most....................................Erin Dawes
- Why Aren't You Staying For An After Match Drink , Partner ?........Ena Rushman
- The Chairman's Still Chuntering About That Whistleblower ...........E. B. Trader
- So Where Do We Go Now , The Club's Got No Inside Toilet ?......John Outhouse
- Don't Ask Him About What Happened At The Table....................Esau Soddall
Sunday, 4 October 2015
Saturday, 3 October 2015
NEWSFLASH : REVEREND AND HIS WIFE RECEIVE FIVE YEAR BAN
Club members were shocked when they heard the news , and demanded to know what had happened and why. So Bigot Johnson in the spirit of openness and transparency placed on the noticeboard the full transcript of the so-called disciplinary hearing.
Reverend ( Rev) : Why have we been asked to attend this meeting ?
B-J : We the committee felt it right that you should be told ......face-to-face.....the committee's
decision...
Rev : Which is what ?
B-J : You and your wife are banned for 5 years
Rev : On what grounds ?
B-J : Gross misconduct
Rev : Why didn't we get a hearing ?
B-J : No point.....the case against you was a classic open and shut one....where the evidence against you was both overwhelming and compelling
Rev : Oh...but we still want to know what we did wrong ?
B-J : Well , let me ask you this question first..........do you regard cheating as a cardinal sin
Rev : Absolutely , members who cheat should be rooted out....and booted out.....never to return....and believe you me God would certainly back me up on this matter
B-J : I'm glad to hear it...
Rev : But my wife and I don't cheat.....on any level......so what were the allegations against us ?
B-J : Aiding and abetting the cheats.....which makes you equally as culpable
Rev : What !!
B-J : You see .....two weeks last Tuesday on board 18 you were heard......by several people on nearby tables... saying to your wife ...quote " you could have made all 13 tricks if you play for the drop of the queen and then squeeze West , who cannot hold onto both red suits ". With such unauthorised information now in the public domain , the cheaters would be on alert to bid the grand slam "
Rev : Oh....I never realised my voice carried so much.....there was no intention on my part to assist those who would seek to profit from my disclosure
B-J : Oh yes....your pulpit preaching voice can reach every corner of the room....and aiding and abetting the bat-eared cheats in this club is kind of behaviour we the committee will not tolerate
Committee member : I'm sorry to point this out chairman....but board 18 was the Reverend's last board of the evening......so no other pair could benefit from what he said.......therefore with no crime of cheating possible on this board , there can be no case to establish the aiding and betting charge
B-J : Shut up you .....keep your minority opinions to yourself......the decision to ban these two has been made....... and there's no going back.....so I declare this meeting at an end
Rev : Bigot .....your day of judgement will come
B-J : Am I bothered.....do I look worried......NO....so on your bikes you two holy-than-thou buggers......and as for you..... you smart-arse dissenting scumbag .... your days in this club are well and truly numbered....
Club members were shocked when they heard the news , and demanded to know what had happened and why. So Bigot Johnson in the spirit of openness and transparency placed on the noticeboard the full transcript of the so-called disciplinary hearing.
Reverend ( Rev) : Why have we been asked to attend this meeting ?
B-J : We the committee felt it right that you should be told ......face-to-face.....the committee's
decision...
Rev : Which is what ?
B-J : You and your wife are banned for 5 years
Rev : On what grounds ?
B-J : Gross misconduct
Rev : Why didn't we get a hearing ?
B-J : No point.....the case against you was a classic open and shut one....where the evidence against you was both overwhelming and compelling
Rev : Oh...but we still want to know what we did wrong ?
B-J : Well , let me ask you this question first..........do you regard cheating as a cardinal sin
Rev : Absolutely , members who cheat should be rooted out....and booted out.....never to return....and believe you me God would certainly back me up on this matter
B-J : I'm glad to hear it...
Rev : But my wife and I don't cheat.....on any level......so what were the allegations against us ?
B-J : Aiding and abetting the cheats.....which makes you equally as culpable
Rev : What !!
B-J : You see .....two weeks last Tuesday on board 18 you were heard......by several people on nearby tables... saying to your wife ...quote " you could have made all 13 tricks if you play for the drop of the queen and then squeeze West , who cannot hold onto both red suits ". With such unauthorised information now in the public domain , the cheaters would be on alert to bid the grand slam "
Rev : Oh....I never realised my voice carried so much.....there was no intention on my part to assist those who would seek to profit from my disclosure
B-J : Oh yes....your pulpit preaching voice can reach every corner of the room....and aiding and abetting the bat-eared cheats in this club is kind of behaviour we the committee will not tolerate
Committee member : I'm sorry to point this out chairman....but board 18 was the Reverend's last board of the evening......so no other pair could benefit from what he said.......therefore with no crime of cheating possible on this board , there can be no case to establish the aiding and betting charge
B-J : Shut up you .....keep your minority opinions to yourself......the decision to ban these two has been made....... and there's no going back.....so I declare this meeting at an end
Rev : Bigot .....your day of judgement will come
B-J : Am I bothered.....do I look worried......NO....so on your bikes you two holy-than-thou buggers......and as for you..... you smart-arse dissenting scumbag .... your days in this club are well and truly numbered....
Thursday, 1 October 2015
YET ONE MORE NEARLY TRUE BRIDGE STORY..... ( As told to Bridgemeister Gibson )
In a bold attempt to model itself on the Benign Bridge Club USA , one enterprising club in Britain decided to ally itself to the local church in order to clean up its act. Members were asked to embrace the faith and engage in prayer before sitting down at the bridge table.
Each and every week before the start of duplicate play , a prayer would be recited by all as part of an indoctrination process to rid them of " anti-social " attitudes and behavioural traits.
As a visitor ( I'm buggered if I'm ever going there again ) I was required to participate in the following communal prayer :
Dear Lord ,
I am so anxious
My mind is full of worry and fear
Please be with me
Calm me down , and
Help me to trust that
You will take care
Of my mental welfare
By reminding partner
To respect the club's
Zero Tolerance Policy Rules
Through Jesus Christ Our Lord
Amen
The evening's bridge was indeed played in an emotion-suppressed vacuum , where silence and pious protocol were in ascendancy. I almost choked on death on it.
In a bold attempt to model itself on the Benign Bridge Club USA , one enterprising club in Britain decided to ally itself to the local church in order to clean up its act. Members were asked to embrace the faith and engage in prayer before sitting down at the bridge table.
Each and every week before the start of duplicate play , a prayer would be recited by all as part of an indoctrination process to rid them of " anti-social " attitudes and behavioural traits.
As a visitor ( I'm buggered if I'm ever going there again ) I was required to participate in the following communal prayer :
Dear Lord ,
I am so anxious
My mind is full of worry and fear
Please be with me
Calm me down , and
Help me to trust that
You will take care
Of my mental welfare
By reminding partner
To respect the club's
Zero Tolerance Policy Rules
Through Jesus Christ Our Lord
Amen
The evening's bridge was indeed played in an emotion-suppressed vacuum , where silence and pious protocol were in ascendancy. I almost choked on death on it.