BRIDGE CLUB DISCIPLINARY SUB-COMMITTEE MEETING No. 53.... At long last Bigot-Johnson had been caught out. This time he was in big trouble, after one member took it upon herself to report an alleged infringement at her table involving a rather dubious bidding tactic. The nature of the complaint centred on the use of an illegal convention, cleverly devised ( and apparently frequently used ) by Bigot. This allegation had finally come before the committee members, who were very keen to hear his side of the case. An extract from the hearing's transcript can be seen below:

• Com : " Can you please confirm the following facts relating to this incident ? On board 17, your RHO opponent opened one heart, whereupon you stepped in with an under-call of 1D !! After the TD was called, it was agreed by all parties for you to make the bid good.......which you duly did by converting to 2 diamonds."
• B-J : " Correct......but what is so wrong about that ? "
• Com : " Your RHO opponent could not help but notice your partner's marked reluctance to enter the bidding despite his 3 card diamond support and useful values. Had he sussed that your original under-bid reflected a poor hand with a poor suit ? "
• B-J : " You would have to ask him that question. I couldn't possibly comment."
• Com : " Well, our enquiries have shown that you have made this type of under-call on several other occasions when the 5 card suit is weak. Yet... all your 2 over 1 overcalls reveal a suit which is of excellent quality. Even impartial observers would have grave doubts about your bidding being ethical...let alone honest."
• B-J : " Co-incidences, I would like to remind you, are more commonplace than you think. On some occasions I clearly missed the opening bid , and of course , if the vulnerability is favourable I will always try and stick a bid in, no matter how weak the hand, and how wretched the suit."
• Com : " That is how you may see it, but our evidence does suggest a pattern...."
• B-J : " Well, that may be difficult to prove...for you muppets"
• Com : " Perhaps not....because your rather astute opponents decided to pick up your abandoned convention card from the waste paper bin.......and although it had been torn to shreds following your usual pique of anger, it was carefully pieced together to reveal a most unusual acronym listed amongst " other conventions". The acronym in particular was SCUD (as in missile). So please enlighten us as to what it stands for ? "
• B-J : " No idea...I've completely forgot."
• Com : " Thankfully for us, your partner on that night has a much better recall of it.......and his explanation was that it stands for SUIT CRAP DELIBERATELY UNDERBID......He also recalls you waxing lyrical about how neat it was..... in that he would know exactly what type of overcall hand you have. And on that startling and shocking evidence we are obliged to ban you from all club competitions for the next six months. Have you anything you would like to say...? "
• B-J : " Bugger...bugger...bugger..."

EBU APPROVED BRIDGE BOOKS.......................( By Pun )

• I'm The Best Known Bridge Player In Ireland........Toby Shaw
• Outdated Bidding Systems And Strategies..........Anne Teak
• Too Much Bridge Can Make You Unwell..............Jay Didd
• Computer Dealt Hands Caused Massive Revolt....Pam D. Monium
• Rubber Bridge:To Play On Or Settle Up ?............Collette Watts-Owen
• No Wonder We're Losing Partner........................Ulrika Ginn
• Johnny Supremo......What A Man !.....................Eain R. Fansom
• Finding Ways To Challenge TD's Decisions.........Lou Pole
• Give Me Some Slack, Partner............................Lee Whey
• I 'd Rather Be A Big Fish In A Small Pond.......... Adolf Finn

CAN WOMEN PLAY BRIDGE ?.....( Prof. Hu Chi Ku Chi investigates ) I put this very question to the man himself.......Bigot-Johnson.....only to get this rather surprising and perceptive answer: " Generally speaking, not as successfully as men." He then went on to offer ten possible explanations as to why the women have yet achieve the same degree of success as men..... at all levels of the game.

1. Sexist attitudes: Although it is not blatantly obvious, the majority of men, if given a straight choice of equal ability partners, will prefer to team up with a man. As a consequence, the women are left only with each other to form partnerships. Furthermore same gender partnerships are far more prevalent than mixed ones in any open event.

2. The Macho Male : In some instances, it is the ladies who prefer partners of their own sex. For them the stereo-typical male player possesses undesirable character traits. The worst of these include egoism, grumpiness, nastiness, rudeness, aggression and bullying.

3. The Male Ego : This is often far greater than a woman's. Men seem more hell-bent on acquiring accolades and recognition at the highest level. The quest for glory, fame and fortune can drive them on to careers as professional bridge players, available for hire. Results can become a matter of life-or-death on which their egos can either grow or be shattered.

4. The Social Dimension : Many women are quite happy to play bridge as a " social pastime " , or to play bridge "sociably ". Bridge is a small part of their social calendar, which will of course include many other activities and pastimes. Men, who tend to be far more obsessive and single-minded, often allow bridge to completely take over their lives.

5. Women's Priorities : Most women quite rightly get their priorities right : looking after the family, and the family home, will always take precedence over bridge. Some men, on the other hand, might well put work first and bridge next.....such is their level of selfishness. Bridge addicts, fanatics, geeks and obsessives are all words that are generally ascribed to men. Moreover, most women have children at some time in their lives, which really puts any bridge ambitions ( they may have had ) well and truly on the back-burner. Not so for men, whose progress in bridge often remains uninterrupted and unimpaired.

6. The Predatory Male : Since the dawn of time, women are nurtured and educated to be carers and home-makers, leaving men to be the predatory hunters and food providers. The instinct to be calculating and ruthless comes easier to men than women. Theses characteristics, alongwith the desire and willingness to be risk-takers, clearly help men to succceed at the highest levels in bridge.

7. The Left-Sided Brain : Neuro-scientists claim that the male brain develops a stronger bias towards mathematical/ logical thinking, which are two crucial under-lying abilities needed to become a top class player. Whether this phenonomen is a result of nature or nurture who knows. Perhaps it is a combination of both. As Miriam Harris-Botzam astutely points out : " But it means that by the time people reach an age to begin learning bridge, there are fewer women who have the requisite abilities to become top experts. There are certainly exceptions to this rule, but from a purely statistical perspective, the odds favour a preponderence of men in the top echelons. "

8. The Female Body : Women tend to be more emotional, and subject to mood swings. These two feminine characteristics can seriously impair their game, being the unavoidable consequences of hormonal changes that dictate their lives. Biologically different, men find it much easier to stay on an even keel, therefore more able to focus on their game, and not be distracted by " other things ".

9. The Inner Self : Women, according to most psycho-therapists, possess a completely different set of sub-conscious values and attitudes to men. Their greater level of empathy enables them to display a greater level of politeness, friendliness and forgiveness than men. This can translate itself at the bridge table by not rounding on partner's mistakes, prepared to let them go unnoticed and therefore repeated again. Transgressions by opponents may be sympathetically overlooked, with TDs rarely being summoned. As a consequence their scores suffer, and with it their reputation as being " sufficiently competitive ". Men like to see themselves as " pushy", " brave ", "deceptive", "cunning " , "devious ", alongwith a load of other basic animal instincts. Again, these are qualities which can raise a bridge player's game to the highest level. Men are much more ready to chastise and discipline partner, and if mistakes are repeated, partnerships are ruthlessly terminated. Transgressions are never over-looked.

10. The Vicious Circle : Again Miriam makes the point that because of " the commonly held views of women's abilities at bridge, it is rare for a talented woman player to get a really good mentor, or partner.....or even to get into the best teams.......unless of course she is paying for the privilege. Even then, she may get treated as an inferior, rather than an equal ( or soon to be equal student )." This state of affairs merely perpetuates the status quo of a male dominated elite.

So with all these factors in place ( and no doubt there are many others ), it is no wonder that women have been held back at developing their game. Will the balance of power ever change ? Miriam, Bigot and I very much doubt it. Obviously, some women will make it to the top, but only after over-coming the many obstacles that stand in their way........ some of which are clearly man-made !

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES................................................................. Everyday, thousands of bridge players succumb to one or more of many personality and/or psychological disorders that affect this troubled community. No sooner has one afflication been successfully identified and diagnosed, then another new and more disturbing one suddenly emerges. Why just the other day a colleague of mine sent me his medical notes on one of his more disturbed patients, who happened to be an up-and-coming bridge player. His condition was deemed to be so serious, that my colleague had been totally taken back by the victim's rapid transformation..........from a person who stated out with an endearing modesty into one with a monstrous ego, totally corrupted and controlled by grandeurs of delusion, vanity and self-admiration. The condition I refer to is NAMEDRO PINITUS. This disorder is clearly a manifestation of the infla tedego condition, I have commented on earlier in this blog. The difference here is that sufferers have a compelling and overwhelming urge to regale people ( usually polite but obviously reluctant listeners ) about their encounters....either playing with or against the country's finest players. Listeners are expected to know and marvel at the status and calibre of the celebrities mentioned in their endless reports. Indeed, as more and more of the big names in bridge are dropped into the conversation, the more the victim's ego becomes inflated. Tragically, victims remain oblivious to the fact that the listeners have switched off, or adopted an air of complete indifference to any of these revelations. As yet no treatment has proved effective to deal with this disorder, where for many of the victims getting to the surgery has proved to be a major problem. Firstly, they find that they have become too big for their boots and therefore have no suitable footwear to put on. Secondly, many perceive the doorways to the surgery far too small to accommodate those who are of great stature...such as themselves.

THE BRIDGE BULLY'S BIBLE................( Sensationally exposed by Carp ) Every bridge club has its quota of bullies : members who belittle, bemoan, berate, beseige and brutalise their hapless partners. But now I can reveal that they all belong to a dark and secret religious group, which has its own ten commandments in the shape and form of a BRIDGE BULLY'S GUIDE: THE MAXIMS YOU NEED TO FOLLOW IF YOU WANT TO BECOME THAT MOST FEARED AND RESPECTED PERSON. Apparently, each member of this organisation receives a tablet of stone on which these ten commandments are engraved.

1. If partner has made a foul bid or play make sure it is pointed out to him/her in no uncertain terms. ( Please note that condoning such idiocy will be seen as a green light for him/her to carry on in a similar vein.)

2. With regards to all partner's mistakes keep detailed mental notes ( or better still documented records ) so that misedmeanours can be raked over and over again.....and again..... to ensure that his/her shattered condidence never recovers.

3. If blame clearly has to be apportioned use your considerable knowledge and skill, alongwith your senior status, to convince partner that he/she is the primary culprit. Your share should never exceed 5%, even for the most horrendous cock-up which you were solely responsible for. Stick to your ground at all costs, and keep looking around for other society members who will be willing to back you up, committed to support your flawed and prejudiced analysis.

4. Never harangue partner in a quiet polite manner away from the prying eyes and ears of others. Always do it at maximum volume when the largest audience is present.

5. Never allow partner to get the first or the last word in. Better still, never let partner get any words in. Crush any attempt for him/her to put up a defence.......but do accept ( begrudgingly of course ) any grovelling, humble, wretched, pathetic, bleating apology offered.

6. Whenever partner is about to bid or play a card use one or more of the following body language techniques: frowns, twitches, glares, sighs, fidgets, finger tapping, teeth-grating, seat sqirming, teeth-clenching, yawns, grimaces, frozen icy looks, wide-open fear-stricken eyes. This guarantees to exert maximum pressure on partner to get it right. In the event he/she doesn't, then be ready to pounce with a severe reprimand for any deviation that meets with your disapproval.

7. Never under any circumstances praise partner for any bids or card play worthy of merit. Always be ready to point out that a better and alternative bid or line of play could and should have been made, even if this is untrue. However, a much better option is to suggest that luck played a huge part in the successful outcome of the board, by virtue of the opposition being so inept and/or the favourable lay-out of the cards.

8. Always be ready to inflict biting and cutting remarks whenever and wherever possible. Develop that sharp-tongue, razor-sharp wit,alongwith a massive repetoire of classic ( but venomous ) one-liners and put downs.

9. Always maintain an air of arrogance, superiority, and absolute self-belief, but never be afraid to reveal your impatience, annoyance, pain and suffering the moment partner makes a mistake.

10. Always remind partners that they been blessed with the privilege and honour to be playing with such a distinguished person as yourself, but for you to be partnering them required a huge sacrifice and gesture of goodwill on your part.............for which they should be eternally grateful.

( Membership to this covert society of bridge bullies can not be applied for : the only way in is for you to be approached, and invited to join, by an existing member, who feels that you are already displaying the right attributes and credentials to be a fully-fledged bridge bully. However, acceptance into the fold does involve being put through a rather unpleasant initiation ceremony at their secretly located lodge.)

BRIDGE BOOKS THAT HAVE STOOD THE TEST OF TIME........ ( By Pun )

• Divine Inspiration Saved My Day...........Evan Scent
• Bridge Is A Real Joyride........................Carol Selle and Mary Gerround
• I'm Useless At This Game..........................Lois Steem
• Bridge: The Bread And Butter Basics.........Pat A. Cakeman & Kerry Gold
• This Year...Not A Single Top.......................Nora Bottom
• Where Next For The Stars Of Bridge ?...........Holly Wood
• USA Inter-State Bridge Teams Final...........Minnie Sota and Del A. Ware
• World Of Bridge To Become A Musical?.......Val D. Ree & Val D. Rar
• The Bridge Bible....................................Matthew Mark & Luke John
• Keeping A List Of Partner's Mistakes...........Rick Ordinhall

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : THE PARIS SYNDROME This particular condition has intrigued me for some time. It's name owes its origin to the fact that it was first experienced by Japanese tourists, who were visiting Paris for the first time. Many of them suffered from acute mental breakdowns. Despite the vast number of Japanese nationals who visit major cities around the world each year, it is only when they visit Paris that this terrible affliction takes hold. However, I have discovered that some of my bridge clients represent a parallel group, plagued by the same symptoms. However, in their case, it is when they visit any city for the first time, to take part in a high profile bridge congress or tournament. Both groups are victims to a severe form of "culture shock". Polite Japanese tourists arrive in Paris with an idyllic view of the city, as depicted in such films as Amelia. However, the reality of a modern, smog-filled, heartless metropolis would then start to challenge their beliefs . Moreover, when they came into contact with, say, a rude French waiter, the shock and devastation was such that they become totally unable to rationalise the situation. This caused them to encounter a severe state of confusion. Further episodes, therefore, of harsh reality would ultimately shatter their dreams, and the inexplicable contradictions inevitably brought on full-blown mental breakdowns. With my client group of aspiring bridge players, they too mistakenly envisaged a city congress outing as being one of wonder and excitement. The idea of meeting and playing against bridge celebrities and top class internationals was going to create for them a truly wonderful bridge experience. However, this idyllic view was always destined to be shattered, once they entered that arena with its quarrelsome beasts and ruthless predators. A major culture shock was simply waiting to happen. Unable to separate their naive and grossly over-optimistic expectations with the shocking reality, the extent of their confusion was such severe symptoms of the syndrome quickly surfaced. At a recent congress in Leeds, two players from the Cardinal BC, who were making their first quest for greenies, found themselves being rushed to hospital for emergency treatment.........after being reduced to gibbering wrecks. The ambulance paramedics, responsible for these decisions, genuinely believed that the severity of their mental break-down was such, they both posed a suicide-risk. For bridge players, falling victim to the Paris syndrome is of genuine serious concern.

AN OPEN LETTER TO BIGOT-JOHNSON..............( plus his reply )

Dear Bigot, I find myself in total disagreement with your views, which repeatly harp on about how the EBU rankings do not reflect the true ability and skill levels of players.. How dare you suggest that the practice of "buying" green points makes the whole business rather unsavoury ! How dare you suggest that the current method of obtaining promotions through high volume attendance is inferior to the method of rating players according to their green point event average !!

Make no mistake the EBU intends to keep faith with its existing system, displaying the same conviction as those in my church reading group who claim the world is flat, having all fours corners the Bible describes. I suppose you will be telling me next that the Earth goes round the sun, when it is plainly obvious to me ( and anyone else ) looking up at the sky that the sun goes around the earth. People like you make me squirm with all your self-righteous twaddle. Your self-proclaimed wisdom is no more than delusional claptrap. Put your trust in the EBU's great works of truth. Two such masterpieces were their recent publications " Maintaining The Status Quo ". and " No Need To Fix Things Until They Break Down".

If bridge players like you are out to challenge the gospels of the EBU, and its long held and revered customs and practices, then the future for bridge looks bleak. It is of paramount importance that you remove tourself from this blog site so readers can be spared from the ludicrous drivel that spews from you mouth. Yours ( pinning my hopes on an apology at least ) Spike Yew

Dear Spike, Not a chance. I'm not surprised my articles needled you. What a prick you are. You remind me of my friend's daughter, who saw a spider creeping across the floor only to scoop it up in her hands and release it outside.......such was her blinkered view that such creatures need to be protected. Where could she have learned such odd behaviour that will only give rise to a planet over-run with spiders. ? Surely, some misguided fool instructed her that bugs should not be stomped upon. Well, if God hadn't intended us to stomp on bugs, then why did He give us two flat feet, and spiders such horrible scary-looking bodies ? A bigot I may be...... but at least I'm not a blinkered old fool, like you. Yours (hoping you're sharp enough to get my point ) Bigot-Johnson

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES................................................................ In the wider population, tourette's syndrome is believed to affect as many as one in a 100, but for many the symptoms will be mild and relatively unnoticeable. However, for a few who have the full blown neurological disorder, they are compelled to live their lives as if possessed by demons. TS as we all know is characterised by repetitive, stereotyped, involuntary movements and vocalisations. The syndrome was named after Dr. Georges Gillies de la Tourette, the pioneering French neurologist, who in 1885 described the condition in an 86 year old French noblewoman. In the rare cases where the vocalisations of sufferers are more complex, certain words or phrases are repeated over and over again.......often involving outbursts of swear words and/or other offensive material. These may well occur when the sufferers get excited or anxious. However, in the bizarre world of bridge every club is over-run with members affected by a very specific but unusual type of TS......being one....... which unfortunately displays chronic symptoms. I have labelled this DIRECTOURETTE'S SYNDROME. This dire form of TS causes bridge players to suddenly shout out in loud bellowing voices the same offensive word....." di...rect....orrrr ". This can go on from different parts of the room every 2 or 3 minutes. This uncontrollable form of vocal behaviour can be triggered by any real, perceived or imaginary infringement of table etiquette, or rules of play, by the opposition. Sufferers tend to be players who fall into three distinct personality types: those who are over-competitive ( and are looking for any avenue to obtain an improved score, those who are overly unpleasant and just plain awkward, and those who are overly obsessive about complete obedience, and the strict adherence to every aspect of the way the game must be played.

BRIDGE BOOKS ONLY FIT FOR BURNING.............( By Pun )

• Who The Bloody Hell Is Howard Bigot-Johnson ?.........Sue Denim
• Partner's Throwing Yet Another Fit............................. Paddy Allwright
• Gay Bridge ( Revised Edition )....................................Dick Glover
• My Bad Boy Days Are Over........................................Ira Pent
• Calm Those Big Match Nerves....................................Jean Ann Tonic
• Stomping On Your Opponents....................................Jack Boot
• My Partner Left Me For Someone Else........................Jill Tedd
• Look What The Opponents Did To Me.........................P. Donn
• Swinging At Bridge....................................................Dixie Land
• Partner...Go Take The Piss Somewhere Else !.........John Outhouse

A TRUE ( BUT TRULY UNBELIEVABLE ) BRIDGE STORY....( By Bridgemeister Gibson ) Well, there I was paired up with quite an experienced player in a first round team of 4 match in the Nicko. Agreeing to play his rather bizarre system, we were not achieving much in the way of good results, but the boys on the other table were keeping us in with a chance. Remarkably after 24 boards the match was tied, and a 3 board play-off was called for. Once again. my partner and I did nothing other than provide our opponents with a couple of gifts, ensuring they went home relieved and happy. Yet, victory could have so easily been ours but for one truly remarkable board, where nothing quite like it has ever taken place.....anywhere .......such was the inflexibility and insanity of his bidding system. No other player past or present could have bid in such a way. We were red against green, and my LHO opens one spade. My partner is staring at AJ9864....Q4....A.....KQ85....and quite rightly has to pass under his system rules. Nevertheless, this is a whopper of a hand, and using Zar valuation it adds up to a marvellous 36 zars ( 21+10+5 ), which only requires a modest 16 zars in my hand to be in game. After a pass from my RHO. I come in with a vulnerable 2 heart overcall. Lo and behold, LHO bids 2 spades.....which again my partner passes !!! His reluctance to double apparently was done for two reasons: (i) it might be construed as a take-out into the other two suits, which he didn't have, and (ii) he half expected me to reopen with a double which he would then convert to penalties. Now the bidding was back to me, and with one last effort to buy the contract I bid 3 clubs. My LHO opponent passed.......and it was over to partner to bid (a) 3NT making plus 2, (b) 4H making plus 2, or (c) 5C making plus1. So what bidding card did he plonk on the table?...... No need to guess...it was a PASS. How he could do this.....when holding a doubleton in my first bid suit, solid support in clubs, first round controls in the other two suits, not to mention seeing me bid to the 3 level vulnerable all on my own......I do not know. I actually held: (void)....A109765.....K74.....A1096, which added up to 32 zars ( 16 +10+6 ). This gave us a combined total of 62 which says slam is on.

So I very much doubt in the history of bridge whether anyone has ever passed a 16 HCP hand 3 times during an auction, when partner has bid on his own up to the 3 level vulnerable.

Matches are won and lost on such hands where unexplicable aberrations take place, and our plus 170 was poor comfort when our partners came back with minus 920 on their scorecard. That board in particular denied us glory alright, because our catastrophe could so easily have been avoided. However, if partner had elected to play a sensible system, or at least use his chosen zar hand valuation method correctly, there wouldn't have been this story to tell. So if there's anybody out there with a similar tale of unbelievable woe, please post a comment. It may help me to feel better.

A TRIBUTE TO JOHNNY SUPREMO................( By Howard Bigot-Johnson )

• From the outset, I would like to say how grateful I am to be given the opportunity to write about this great player. To be chosen for this task, in view of my humble background, just goes to show that where else but in a club like mine can an orphan like myself ( after years of rejection and abuse ), pick himself up by his boot-laces and make a name for himself. The mere fact that the Cardinal BC committee even put me up for consideration speaks volumes about their faith and belief in me. I have to admit, it wasn't easy for me to gain acceptance anywhere, let alone by Sheffield's premier bridge club. I mean, how would you like to be the only child out of an orphanage of 106 that wasn't chosen by foster parents ? No, I'm sure you wouldn't have liked it either. " Too volatile", I would hear them whisper as their took their little Peters and Janets back to their warm loving homes and hot-cross buns. " Too twisted and disturbed ", I heard on one occasion, when that pompous self-righteous twit Ivor Boyle climbed onto a beautiful pristine top-of-the-range Raleigh bicycle, bought especially for him by his new foster parents. Well, a bike like that would have been no bloody use to me, having two club feet and all ! Yes, what matters to me is not the material things in life....but the abstract things like respect and recognition......and being asked to write this tribute about....about ?....oh yes...old Johnny.....is recognition indeed.

Oh dear, I'm digressing a bit, but I guess you're keen to know what happened to me after I left the orphanage. Well, I was 18, and I got a job as a shelf-stacker in my local supermarket ( which I'm still doing ), and it wasn't until I was 27 when I wormed my way into the CBC. This was after 9 years, and 473 failed applications for joining other city clubs that offered some hope and opportunity for me to meet, and be seated opposite, a member of the opposite sex. However, the most remarkable thing is that since I've been a member, countless letters have been sent in to past committees demanding my expulsion......yet I'm still here. Much credit, I must admit, has to go to the current committee, who have seen fit to accept my excessively generous bribes to ensure my continued membership. Moreover, this latest gesture to ask me to write this tribute about.... God-what-is-his-name.... means my money has clearly reaped an unexpected reward.

So now I would like to say a few words about this self-proclaimed expert. He's been around in Sheffield since 1970....married in 1978......works occasionally ( if the agency gets desperate ).......no kids at home ......likes the sound of his own voice......has nevered offered me a game.......choosing instead to play with some right riff raff.....someone who is quite happy to get average boards......even against beginners......a total wassock infact. Need I say more.

JOHNNY SUPREMO ASKS " WHY TAKE UNNECESSARY RISKS " ?

Many players get sloppy in their declarer play by failing to anticipate bad trump breaks. There I was in 4S like every other East/West looking at what seemed an easy contract, with 10 tricks seemingly on top to cash out. Dummy came down with a rather bleak and flat looking............... 1085......987......1075......Q1082 .........opposite my rather huge and immensely powerful.....AKQJ4.......3........A43.......AKJ9

The defence took the opening heart lead with the Ace, but far too many declarers ruffed the heart continuation with the 4 of spades. However, on discovering a 5-0 break in the trump suit, they all foolishly ended up conceding another 3 tricks ( 2 red suit losers and a club ruff ) to go one off. Yes, because there was a mirrored distribution in the minors, three losers were inevitable .......but not four ! So even if the odds of a 5-0 trump break were pretty slim, why take that unnecessary risk ? A simple loser on loser play guarantees 10 tricks.... 100%. The solution of course is to pitch 2 losing diamonds on the inevitable heart force ( no other defence is better). Now I was able to ruff the fourth round of hearts in dummy with the spade 8, quite prepared to over-ruff the opposition's over-ruff if necessary. Ten tricks were there for the taking, courtesy of 5S, 4C and 1D. As I have always said: being good at this game simply means staying alert and not being sloppy. In other words, it is all about common sense and effective risk management

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES................................................................... Every so often I come across clients who are deeply troubled and racked with guilt. Deep down in their sub-conscious they know they are cheating at bridge, but they cannot or dare not face up to this fact. The protective barrier of self-denial becomes impenetrable.....yet only a few ever come to me for help. This particular disorder, known as ANTENNARIS LOBUS, is an instinctive but highly compulsive desire to register the conversational comments coming from the other table, concerning hands that are about to be passed over to them. In some cases, the afflicted players do not consciously tune in, but since they cannot switch off their acute auditory processors, vital bits of information about these hands are recorded nonetheless. They attach no blame to themselves, placing it all on the loud-mouths next door. As to any suggestions that being in possession of such unauthorised information requires them to announce this fact to their next opponents......rather perversely..... falls upon deaf ears ! I once heard of a player from New Town BC who was playing in an intercity match, only find his table located well away from the main room in the bar downstairs. He complained bitterly to his captain it wasn't fair being so isolated like that......and that he and his partner were clearly disadvantaged " at not being able to overhear any comments about the hands coming from the other tables". In my view, this classic example of antennaris lobus demonstrates the how serious this condition can get. Unless drastic and urgent action is taken to offer and provide therapy, the game of bridge itself is seriously under threat.

PROFESSOR HU CHI KU CHI UNEARTHS SOME STARTLING NEWS....... Many of us like to associate the game of bridge with education, refinement and class......a recreational pursuit for both gentlemen and ladies. However, my research into the early origins of bridge has revealed that the game quickly travelled across the oceans, only because pirates were the first to take it up. Recently, I was handed an early 17th century document, written by Bartholomew Roberts ( known as Black Bart ), which appears to substantiate this view, being the earliest example of bridge literature on record. Black Bart was obviously a keen player who obviously enjoyed his cut-throat brand of bridge. An extract from this priceless document appears below: .................

" Ahoy me mateys.........it's Black Bart 'ere to tell ye how to win at bridge.... 'n lay yer hands on some silverware. Oi've given a lot o'thought as to what ye need in order to be a good buccaneering bridge player like me self........so listen up whiles I tell'ee what ye need to know. Now, the farst thing is that yer brain 'as to stay mostly focussed.....so keep orf the friggin' rum.....otherwise yer brain will be so addled, ye'll be spewing out stupid bids, and playin' random cards all night. After that, thar's a few other things ye need to know.....loik.....only use conventions that both ye and yer partner fully grasp, and make sure yer both on the same wave-length..... if ye get me drift. No point getting beached on the sands of uncertainty and confusion....eh?

Next, always be stickin' in bids that rattle the enemy. Bids that put their noses out of joint. Bids that add to their misery of havin' scurvy. And if ye can't knock 'em off track with barrage bidding, then unhinge yer wooden leg and finish 'em off that way.

It's always a good idea to have a parrot wot sits on yer shoulder...... but jus' make sure ye has somethin' to clean up the poop he'll be droppin' on yer seat. Train the bird to put the evil eye on yer opponents or to flap around and unsettle 'em that way. Yet the best way to unsettle the enemy is to get mean. Lobbin' insults at 'em should always give ye the psychological edge. Show 'em yer bottle and rattle 'em with barbed comments such as ...." Prepare t'be boarded ye swabs......it's the bottom of the sea for both ye lily-livered wretches"......." Just look at wot's sailed in 'ere .....two grossly deformed maggots twixt keel and shoaling water, with crabs for mates ! "......." What 'ave we 'ere?....two pox-faced numbskulls drowning in their own bilge water."

And another thing....t' be really good at shovin' the fear of God up yer opponents, ye must do all yer shoutin' in the proper way. It needs to 'ave that mid-atlantic accent ......as if ye as got yer tongue rolled around yer backside whilst heavin' up yer stomach in a bad storm. This means gettin' those insults out with a real distinction "arrrrgggghhhhh" sound to 'em. Finally, it's worth notin' that by scuttlin' their confidence, it's all plain sailing from then on. Let 'em sink to the bottom whiles ye calmly collect the bountiful gifts that will surely come floatin' yer way. Piracy bridge is 'ere to stay....and if ye wants to become a cut-throat buccaneer loik me self , then clamber on board me vessel me hearties and hand over the booty......pieces of eight if yer please to fill up this spittle bucket.....'cus ye didn't think this lesson was for free..... did ye ?.....................Aarrrrgggghhhhh.

BRIDGE BOOKS THAT BEGGAR BELIEF...............( By Pun )

• French Sex Kitten Offers Wine For Free Lessons......Bridgette Bordeaux
• Making Amends With Partner.....................................Olive Branch
• Don't Let Bad Scores Get You Down.........................Sol Jeron
• If You Want A Game With You-Know-Who................Oscar Nicely
• Crockford's Glory All Came Down To A TD's Ruling.....Cliff Hanger
• Who's Not Paid Then ?................................................Kitty Short
• Bridge Disasters.........................................................Gordon Bennett
• Bidding Techniques: Instrumental Learning.................Drummond Floot
• At Bridge...Why I'm A Man Amongst Boys ................Aaron Mycock
• Bridge Committee Voting Raises Concerns................Jerry Mandering

LAW REPORTS:

• CARDINALS BC LADIES v CARDINALS BC (2009)
• MRS. BIGOT-JOHNSON ( AND OTHERS ) v CARDINALS BC (2009)

These two unusual cases were brought before Sir Les B. Avenue in the High Court. In both actions the plaintiffs were seeking compensation for injured feelings and rejection, which stemmed from the club chairman's 2004 decision ( who at the time was the man himself Bigot-Johnson ) to run most of the cup competitions on bank holidays. However, each case was presented on a different point of law, as the two following judgements reveal.

" The first plaintiffs, the bridge club's ladies, rightly claimed that for several years they have been the victims of sex discrimination. By continuing to hold many of its competitions on bank holidays the club had clearly disadvantaged these ladies. An expert witness, none other than a dear old colleague and friend of mine......Dr. John .....who I might add is now one of the country's leading authorities on the male and female psyche, proved to this court that men have far fewer scruples than women. That said, it was no surprise to be told that men have fewer problems or qualms about going absent without leave to play bridge on these hallowed family occasions. Accepting the argument that the CBC ladies possessed a different set of priorities, which naturally placed family commitments first, then it was never possible for them to (a) even consider playing bridge on bank holidays, and (b) let alone do so. Therefore, I can only arrive at the inescapable conclusion that the club's unfair scheduling did indeed exclude women, more so than men, from participating in many of its competitions. Damages of £500 will be awarded to each of the plaintiffs."

"As for the second set of litigants, headed by the long-suffering wife of the club's immovable and intransigent chairman, I see yet another group who have suffered loss and pain from the club's insensitive policy of running competitions on bank holidays. The evidence clearly indicated that the club's male members were forever sloping off to play in these events, deserting and abandoning their wives, partners and families in the process. The chairman himself was a serial offender. Indeed, I was left speechless by the stories of his selfish and heartless behaviour. The plaintiffs' claim for compensation was sensibly based on neglect, for which the CBC must be held vicariously liable for the actions of these deserters, who were always likely to place bridge at the top of their priorities. Indeed, there appears to be a precedent to support this view : in a commonwealth case of Don Trodden v Flamingo BC (1976) the club was deemed vicariously liable to family members, when a player , who was mercilessly harangued by his partner, went home in a troubled state of mind. He then set fire not only to himself, but also the family home. The club was rightly held liable for failing to intervene and stop the haranguing, since it failed to discipline the perpetrator on that night in question despite the several opportunities that arose. Justice demands that bridge clubs must be accountable for the tortious actions of their members, especially if such actions fall within the definition of being within the control of the club. In my view, the club owed a duty of care to Mrs. Bigot-Johnson to enjoy her Bank holidays with all members of her family present......including the incorrigible Bigot himself. This duty was broken time and time again whenever a bank holiday competition inveigled her husband away. All the plaintiffs were victims of neglectful behaviour, which the club was responsible for. The duty of care could have been carried out so easily, if the club had chosen to keep club competitions and bank holidays apart. Therefore I award £500 to each of the plaintiffs.........................and as for that dreadful husband of hers........ who just shouted "bugger" from the galleries......please have him arrested for contempt of court."

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG.......................................

• Dear Rebecca, If you had been dealt a 14 point 5-2-1-5 hand, where both black suits were headed by AK, which suit would you open first ? There doesn't seem to be a consensus of expert opinion on this question. Looking to you for divine guidance, Angel D. Light
• Dear Angel, Using the far superior Zar method for hand evaluation, you would have around 35 zars (21+10+4 ). This would be in my book a powerful reversing hand. Assuming partner has an equal share of the remaing 26 HCP's, his zar total ( even with a flatish hand ) could easily hit the 17 mark . And all you need for game is a combined total of 52 zars. So open 1C and be prepared to do a jump bid in spades. If partner comes up with something in his mitt, such as a couple of decent honour cards, plus 3 card spade support, there must be an excellent play for 4 spades. If other so-called experts say different, ignore them completely. Yours always in the know, Rebecca
• Dear Rebecca, Many of my bridge friends have waxed lyrical about your highly recommended bridge books. So would you please recommend one which might help me to develop a real competitive edge and killer instinct. Yours aiming to be one of the big boys, Ivor Biggen
• Dear Ivor, Yes, I have produced quite a few classics in my time, but there is a book which could be exactly what you are looking for. This has only just been in the shops for about a month, and it was written by a very obliging friend of mine, Roger Enstick. Entitled " Shafting Your Opponents Good And Proper ", you should find this book a real godsend. Yours always in the know, Rebecca

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY...............................................

• Howell : a loud cry of anguish made by a player who after winning the toss for a sitting seat, then finds out the movement card makes his table an all-moving one
• Fit : something that players regularly throw ( alongwith their cards ) when either results go from bad to worse, or when partners' mistakes become unforgiveable
• Misfit : a situation where you have a super fit with one of your opponents! It was recently reported that a player from Bristol BC elected to play in 7S holding a rather tasty AKQJ1087 in that suit, only to find his LHO opponent holding the other six spades to the 9.
• Rabbit : an extremely apt name given to a player that displays the following characteristics: (a) freezes up with fear when put under the spot-light (b) forever jumps about in the bidding without purpose or direction (c) spends too much time rabbiting on instead of listening to sound advice
• Game : what sex-seeking players in particular strive for with regards to winning a rubber. Then, after getting a rubber, what characteristic they hope to find in one of their next few partners
• Take-out : an instruction you would give to a hit-man with regards to your partner, who has failed on several occasions to recognise your doubles were simply showing the other unbid suits.....and not penalty ones, which were foolishly left in
• Contract : (see take-out) a term given to arrangement between a highly disgruntled bridge player and a professional hit-man
• Open up a suit : a highly undesirable practice undertaken by male bridge players often during the play of a hand. This may involve undoing a few buttons or zips. It was once reported that an australian bridge player from Perth ( a cattle farmer by trade) opened up his suit, whereupon his female partner stood up and boldly claimed " when somebody has to take the initiative and get active, there are no flies on him".

JOHNNY SUPREMO'S MASTERCLASS.......... I am really that good...or is it that other players are really that poor? Why just the other day I brought home a slam expecting a 50% board when lo and behold it was a near top. Bridge scores never cease to amaze me. Partner and I bid to a comfortable 6 spades, and on the opening club queen lead, he displayed the following dummy hand: ...J10963....AJ109.....A74.....7 This was perfect opposite my 15 point and very pleasing: AKQ754......2......Q105......A53

• It seemed evident to me that most declarers had setted for 3 spades,1 club, 2 club ruffs, 1 Heart, and 3 heart ruffs, pinning all their hopes on making the right guess in diamonds to secure the 2 more tricks they required. The Ace of diamonds was played first in dummy, before the attempted finesse with the 10....which, in my view, deservedly lost to West's jack. East sat eagerly waiting the diamond return to his king. One off.
• Other declarers after drawing one round of trumps correctly eliminated both hearts and clubs before testing diamonds. But instead of playing the Ace of diamonds first, he confidently played across to the Q10, and when East played low, the 10 was called for. This could well have fetched the king, and if West held both diamond honours he was effectively end-played. No such luck. One off.
• As for me, I was looking at hearts as a potential source of tricks on which to ditch my diamonds. Given the fact that West had not led a heart, there was a strong inference he/she held one of the missing honours....but not both. Believing this, I drew the outstanding trump, played the heart Ace, followed by the jack. If East goes up with his heart honour, I ruff, and get back across to dummy with a club ruff. Now the 10 of hearts is played on which one diamond is discarded. It matters not if I lose this trick to the outstanding heart honour, the Ace of diamonds is still there to cope with the automatic diamond return.......leaving my 4th heart in dummy to provide a second diamond discard. Slam made. ( Even if East decides not to cover the jack of hearts, allowing West to win the trick, a diamond loser is immediately discarded, leaving a ruffing finesse position against East on the next two rounds of hearts.)

So 6 spades was made without ever being put to the test of guessing diamonds. My line of play even works if East holds both heart honours. Indeed, good declarer play is not about putting your faith in lady luck and inspired guesswork, it's much more to with finding better percentage lines of play that only back luck can defeat.

THE WORLD'S SHORTIST LISTS .....................................By Carp

( Applicable to any bridge club up and down the country )

• Members who do not suffer from rather disturbing psychological disorders
• Slow players who after repeated warnings have since moved up a gear
• Members under the age of 40
• Tournament Directors who have left a table with everyone happy
• Long standing members who with genuine modesty still see themselves as non-experts
• New members (2008-9)
• Members who regularly turn up to AGMs
• Memnbers who actually turned up to the last AGM
• Top players willing to play with ( and help bring on ) relative newcomers to the game
• Members who don't begrudge a 50p increase in table money
• Members who first acknowledge their mistakes before laying blame on partner
• Players whose goodwill ( and generous spirit ) matches their competitive zeal
• Members who are prepared to come out of self denial and acknowledge their psychological disorders
• Members who don't keep lists....... regarding other members' misdemeanours
• Players who as self-appointed experts actually practice what they preach
• Bridge bullies who have been properly brought to account and reprimanded
• Female members who have broken into the club's male-dominated elite of top team players

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES................................................................. In most bridge clubs the old adage that birds of a feather flock together certainly holds true. Players gravitate towards those they identify with most, usually people they feel most comfortable with.......people similar to themselves. However, there is one particular affliction that is only associated with the club's high profile celebrities, who belong to the upper echelons of top class players. KLEEKEEMIA is a rather disturbing condition in that every individual within this afflicted group develops a compulsive desire to seek out ( and form partnerships ) only with fellow suffers.It is exceedingly rare to see any player with kleekeemic symptoms looking to find a partner from the infinitely less able majority. Realising that good results continue to accummulate by sticking with the same people, the condition is exacerbated even more dramatically. This makes corrective therapy virtually impossible. Spotting victims of kleekeemia is all too easy, as they are often seen huddled together laughing and boasting about their tops, near tops and above average scores.

BRIDGE BOOKS THAT REALLY TAKE SOME READING...........................( By Pun )

• Do Scots Take Their Bridge Seriously ?...................Fanny A. Boot
• Sucking Up To Bridge Celebrities............................R. Slicker
• Getting Close To Bidding Perfection........................Neil Lee Wright
• Pinpoint Precision Bidding..................................... Dudley Sharpe
• What...You Intend To Give Bridge Up ?....................Yul B. Back
• Mentoring System For Beginners............................Buddy Liszt
• Bridge Clubs Need To Advertise More......................Bill Posters
• Declarer Play At Its Best........................................Trixie Maid
• Leading Opponents Astray......................................Honey Trap
• Giving Opponents The Evil Eye................................Leah Ring

TABLE-SPEAK REVISITED................................................( By Carp) What is the true meaning hidden behind the smokescreen of softer comforting words? Bridge players by and large like to call a spade "a spade", but honesty has to make way for promoting harmony and respect of others. Indeed, blunt honesty might well breach club rules on acceptable, zero-tolerance behaviour. So naturally subtle sarcasm and euphemisms prevail, and therefore it comes as no surprise when hapless partners are on the receiving end of these comments. For behind these well chosen words, expect more sinister messages to be lurking...................

• " You nearly made it "......." Your inept play beggars belief "
• " Thanks partner, I enjoyed it "..... " I enjoyed it only because I'm a masochist "
• " You're not as bad as you think "...... " You are far far worse "
• " Well done ".........." Thank God for duff opponents "
• " Strange opening lead that ? "...." The only bloody lead to give them the contract "
• " I didn't expect a top here "...." Playing with you, any top is out of the question "
• " Nasty trump break you got "...." A simple safety play was all that was needed "
• " Generous of you to praise the defence "......" These defenders were jerks, but you made them look good "
• " Thanks for pointing out my one mistake "...." Why not focus instead on the 3 or 4 you make on each board "
• " Shame you didn't hold onto your clubs "......." They made that slam because you can't count "

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY................................................

• Partner : someone who took up bridge to make your life miserable
• Small Slam : the noise made by a player after a disastrous evening's bridge, as he/she leaves the club by the front door
• Grand Slam : this involves the front door thrown back with so much force, the noise is accompanied by the sound of shattering glass
• 'A' Team : the club's premier players, whose personalities and gung-ho bridge tactics resemble those of the characters in the TV series of the same name
• 'B' Team : players whose occasional flights of fancy cost them 'A' team status, but they still possess the ability to sting most opponents
• Vienna Coup : a term first coined in 1954 when the Austrian capital hosted the World Bridge Teams finals. Using an extremely clever ploy, a frisky young American player managed to get off with a well known lady international, from right under the nose of her husband and bridge partner.
• Elvis Presley Coup : this involves an unusual play of the cards, which requires a player to keep ' The King ' alive for as long as possible
• Patience : a quality that most bridge players have in short supply. The reason for this unfortunate shortcoming was explained very simply by Howard Bigot-Johnson : " Since the average person's small supply of politeness must last him all his life, how can he possibly afford to waste it on bridge partners ? ".

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : THE DOPELER EFFECT I have always been fascinating by players who tend to rush into things, whether it be in their bidding, opening leads or play of the cards. These instinctive, compulsive, speed merchant players are in my view all victims of the DOPELER EFFECT. The definition is quoted " as a tendency to make stupid mistakes, when rushing". However, with bridge players it is the tendency to believe that ideas that come to you rapidly must be smart, when in actual fact they are completely stupid. So by believing these absurd ideas to be "smart" immediately before they are said or put into practice, others feel compelled to brand such players as "complete idiots". Nothing seems to shake their belief that their gut instinct visions, and sudden flashes of inspiation, are nothing short of brilliant. Sadly, there are pressures put upon players to bid and play each set of boards within a certain time, and so the perfect conditions are created for the dopeler effect to take hold on these highly susceptible players. Victims prone to this condition quickly develop a habit of coming up with more and more instant smart ideas. However, as each successive one becomes even more ludicrous and costly, the dopeler effect rather perversely gets much stronger ! All victims, it seems, strongly believe in the law of averages, which suggest to them that the next batch of instinctive visionary ideas really will be smart..............and so the dopeler effect becomes an established vicious circle which can never be broken.

TABLE-SPEAK: THE TRUTH REVEALED....................( First of a series of articles by Carp ) The majority of bridge players are renown for two things. Firstly, their willingness to abide by the well established code of conduct which prohibits rudeness, unpleasant behaviour and foul-mouthed abusive comments. Secondly, their ability to scale the heights of sarcasm, which results in polite euphemisms cleverly masking the veiled insults that lurk beneath. Politeness it seems take precedence over honesty. Partners' mistakes, which clearly warrant some form of rebuke, will be either politely overlooked, or dismissed as minor aberrations. In some cases voiced criticisms are concealed within sarcastic compliments. This curious absurdity enables bridge evenings to run smoothly along without explosive incidents and verbal slanging matches. So let's look into the world of bridge euphemisms, which are part and parcel of good table manners and etiquette.............but at the same time expose the real meaning behind those well chosen words and cliches.

• What is said.......................................What is really meant
• " Perfect " (as dummy goes down)........." That's not what you promised "
• " Well played"........" At long last you have got us an average"
• " Good try, partner"....... " The contract was cold "
• " No need to apologise"........" This will be the last time you'll ever partner me"
• " A little timid there, partner "....." If you underbid like that again, you're a dead man "
• " Did you miss my heart bid "....." What on earth do I have to do to get you to lead my suit "
• " Unlucky to go off there, partner"......." Must you keep giving opponents gifts, you fool"
• " Cleverly executed end play, partner "....." Amazing how the defence managed to end play themselves "
• " You're always playing the contracts "....." I loathe people who hog the bidding "
• " Quite an imaginative bid there, partner "...." You are completely off your head "

JOHNNY SUPREMO'S MASTERCLASS............................................................. Declarers, who can steer home almost impossible contracts, tend to have that ability to envisage and engineer the play of those crucial last few tricks.....and how that all important and elusive trick may yet be won. Apart from myself only two other declarers steered home 3NT in a field of over one hundred pairs, many of whom also ended up in this rather pushy game. Eight tricks seemed the maximum, and with 3 tricks to play for, seven were in the bag with the opponents taking the other three. In dummy, I had the spade queen (opposite my 96), the heart 10 and the diamond 10. My other card was a losing 6 of clubs. West held 3 jacks in spades, hearts and diamonds, while East held the boss club and two spades to the 85. Things so far had all gone according to plan. All I had to do was engineer two tricks from the remaining three. The solution I had envisaged was an attempted squeeze on West, followed by an unblocking by me in dummy, and end playing East in the process. So I played my losing club for East to take. West was theroretically squeezed having to keep both red jacks, and so he naturally parted with his jack of spades. Now came the winning play when I unblocked the queen of spades from dummy. East was fixed having to play from the 85 of spades right underneath my 96. Game over.

BRIDGE BOOKS FOR THE CONNOISSEURS............. ( By Pun )

• If The TD Asks, Just Repeat My Story................................Lilac A. Trooper
• My View On Whether Bridge Is A Sport ?...........................Lou D. Cross
• Champagne Bridge...........................................................Jerry Boam
• Redoubles: Only Use Them As SOS..................................May Day
• The Joy Of Computer Hand Print-outs.................................Dot Matrix
• Dodgy Contracts That Need A Second Look.......................Hayden Claus
• Tate Gallery's Photo Collection Of Bridge Celebrities ..........Murial Hart
• Nasty Outcome As Bridge Titans Cross Swords.................Drew Blood
• Bitter Rivals Cross Swords Again.......................................Andrew Moore-Blood
• Thorny Bridge Problems.....................................................Rose Bush

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES........................................................................... Bridge players have provided psycho-analysts with an endless stream of material on which to write articles, research papers, and books. The countless disorders and afflictions that bridge players seemingly suffer from have provided so much work for these highly skilled head-shrinkers, not to mention a lucrative living from therapy sessions they offer this cursed and beleaguered group. When poor unfortunate bridge-playing clients walk into my therapy room, my heart is often overwhelmed with pity and sadness......but then stoical professionalism takes over. Where would my bank balance be without them. However, the most awkward cases involve those who have fallen prey to a psychological disorder known as MUTAS IGNORAMIA. In a non-bridge world, a person with a hearing loss, who elects to communicate by gestures and/or signing, would be cruelly labelled as deaf-mute. And because this handicap was real, criticisms about their inability to understand and receive mesages were both unfounded and out of order. However, in the cut and thrust environment of bridge clubs, victims of this particular disorder also display "uncommunicative traits"........despite having no hearing loss or speech problems whatsoever. No matter how hard other players ( usually their next opponents ) try to engage them in friendly conversation, their efforts are always in vain. Sufferers seem oblivious to the standards of politeness expected of them. Their display of sullen silences and dismissive grunts can only be classified as ignorant behaviour and unacceptable rudeness. This disorder often turns its victims into pariahs within their own club. Extensive research has been carried out linking the condition to a morbid reaction to incurring poor scores on successive boards, whereupon dark clouds of depression suddenly sweep down to completely overwhelm them. Some psycho-analysts believe that most victims are born with a genetic predisposition to behave this way, which is then nurtured and brought on by exposure to other forms of unpleasant behaviour displayed by others in this highly competitive world of bridge.

• ADVERTISING FEATURE .......Bridge Affective Disorder ( B.A.D. )
• Let's face it THIS IS your biggest problem......but help is at hand to solve it for once and for all
• Week after week, whatever you try at the table goes horribly wrong: your leads are a mess, finesses all go awry, trumps held by the defending opponents are 4-1 or worse, and towards the end of the session you are desperate to get away !
• Do you suspect that you have upset the Bridge Gods somehow, without intending to do so ? Do you feel persecuted by all the "slings and arrows" that come your way ? Are you gutted by the fact that Lady Luck has turned her back on you, being the capricious and unpredictable woman she is ? Do you believe that taking control of your bridge destiny is beyond your powers ? If the answers are "yes".....then don't despair. Now is the time for change......now is the time to bring about those changes you crave for at the bridge table. You have to believe in the power of positive thinking.....yes, it really is possible to avoid repeated failures through a change of mindset. So I suspect at this moment in time, you're wondering " how can this be achieved ?"
• Well I, Dr. Sigmund T. Shuckelgruber, have the answer: just sign up for my retro electrical stimulation therapy (REST).....which I can assure you will rescue and save your bridge. Using highly sophisticated stereotactic techniques at the cutting edge of 21st century psychotherapy, I am able to stimulate artificially the release of seratonin. This brings about a change in your mood hormones, making you feel good about yourself, confident, and in control. This works in the same way as sunlight helps to prevent SAD.
• As potential guinea-pigs for this ground breaking free-of-charge non-invasive treatment, all that is required is your signature on my indemnity form, which exempts me fully from any liability resulting from addiction, injuries received from being overly-cocky and arrogant ....not to mention the dangers you may pose to society having adopted a megalomaniac personality.
• If interested please contact me through this e-mail address: immadas ah @ ter. com

BRIDGING THAT GAP..............................................( Article by Pun ) Have you ever wondered why others get what they want out of bridge.....be it glory, fame, silverware, prize money, adrenalin rushes, county selection, opportunities to indulge in sadistic pleasures....while you remain just one of faceless majority who make up the numbers ? Well, stop wondering because it doesn't have to stay this way. That gap can be bridged. All you need to do is purchase and read this full set of my highly acclaimed, very instructive bridge books.......which I might add have already catapulted dozens of mediocre riff raff like yourselves into the upper echolons of your club's top ranking players. The total all-inclusive-cost plus packaging is a very modest.£100, and the titles include:

• Set your club alight by your striking match play
• Don't monkey around, get swinging, and send your opponents bananas
• Getting to the bottom of bidding theory is the only way to the top
• Wrong thinking can be right when opponents' cards are rightly in the wrong place
• Needle your opponents with pinpoint bidding and signalling
• Branch out, stick those bids in, and twig what your opponents are up to
• Socket to your opponents with light openers and clever switches
• Punitive doubles, and wild punts, to leave opponents punch-drunk and pundits raving
• Table success is down to smart cue-bidding, favourable breaks, and pot luck

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES.........................One condition that has affected countless bridge players over time can only be described as a suicidal form of madness. Labelled the ANNE BOLEYN SYNDROME, it was first diagnosed in Tudor times, when bridge first surfaced as a game fit for kings and queens. Victims of this syndrome had a bizarre tendency to stick their necks out, despite the obvious risks involved.....such as "getting the chop". They would make such outrageous and ludicrous over-bids, the opponents were left with no other option but to weild the axe. Indeed, these ridiculous bids could only be attributed to madness. The minds of these poor afflicted souls had completely gone. In a nutshell, these lunatic bidders could be described as totally deranged, utterly insane, completely nuts, stark-raving bonkers, out-of-their-tree, off-their trolley, well and truly doo-lally.....living on another planet or gar-gar land. Anne Boleyn's bids bids had cost her partner, King Henry, several thousands in penalty points. Eventually, she had stuck her neck out once too often......and once too far. Tragically for her, the opponents had kept muttering under their breath "she's off her head"......."she's off her head"....... but Henry, who was hard of hearing, registered these words as " off with her head". Welcoming such advice, he rose from his chair to summon the guards to take his demented partner away for the axeman to do his work. Yet despite the well documented account of why poor Anne Boleyn was sentenced to death, bridge players even today continue to behave in the same appalling way. The syndrome it seems completely blinds them to the risks of incurring partners' wrath........replacing logic and reasoning with delusion and absurdity.

BIGOT-JOHNSON HERE: IS THE EBU PROMOTIONS LADDER A TOTAL NONSENSE OR WHAT ?.....................

As I have already said in one of my earlier posts, moving up through the EBU master point promotions means only one thing: putting your hands in your pocket and shelling out some serious money. Really good players have no such problem. By instinctively gravitating towards one another, they quickly form themselves into formidable pairs and teams. For them reaching the summit of grandmasterdom takes no time at all. But what about all the other good players who found themselves marooned with no-hopers ? Whatever rung they may be stuck on will certainly under-reflect the level of ability and skill they possess. The whole system is flawed for a multitude of reasons, but the fact that promotions are effectively achieved through high level attendance rather than top ten finishes ....for me....really takes the biscuit. So what is my solution to this thorny problem of player ratings? Self-assessment of course. We all know deep down how good or bad we are. We all know who we can beat and who we can't on a regular basis. We all know where are likely to come, in club or outside events, and whether we are carrying others, or whether others are carrying us. So let's be honest and attach a rating to ourselves, which should if accurate meet with the nodding approval of those around us. So allow me to put forward the following list of descriptors merely as suggestions. However, if you feel none of them seem apt or appropriate at defining your status as a player, then the onus is on you to find your own:

• Band 1: grand wizard, genius, wizard, magician, mega star, devil-to-play-against, giant, gifted and experienced
• Band 2: damn clever, too damn clever-by-half, annoyingly good, gifted but with a bit more to learn, nifty, slick, awkward customer, really good when sober
• Band 3: solid, wildly variable, flashy on occasions, not to be under-estimated, good on a good day, capable of bunny-bashing, fading star
• Band 4: variable, steady, could be good but lacking discipline, loose cannon, has potential but no ambition or commitment, on the way up
• Band 5: lunatic, complete lunatic, totally unconcerned, average isn't the word, wooden-top, far too erratic, error prone, limitations outweigh strengths
• Band 6: beginner, complete beginner, clueless, hopelesssly clueless bumbledogs, not wanting to learn, memory like a sieve, only there to make the numbers up

And which label would I attach to myself ?...............Possibly, too damn clever for my own good... with a touch of the loose cannon. For as you well know, I am one of those destined to be the victim of the dark forces that constantly conspire against me, where it has been decreed that clueless bumbledogs are to be my nemisis.

BRIDGE BOOKS AS RECOMMENDED BY THE WALNUT TREE ALLOTMENT BRIDGE CLUB .........( Sent to Pun from the Man-down-under )

• Bridge Makes My head Spin..................................Dizzy Terns
• What Did We Score On Those Last Few Boards?... Zia Rose
• Bridge Will Be The Death Of Me.............................Paul Bearers
• Why Is My Bridge So Unreliable ?..........................Ricky Tee
• Bigot-Johnson At His Explosive Best......................Dinah Mite
• At The Table, Miracles Can Happen........................Lloyd D. Lord
• Roof Caves In On Tournament Favourites................Joyce Messin
• Why Playing Away Is Much More Fun....................Joe Lee Boyes-Outing
• Fireworks At The Bermuda Bowl............................Catherine Wheel
• How To Lead Your Opponents A Merry Dance.........Gay Gordon

WHAT DO BRIDGE COMMITTEE MEMBERS AND A PACK OF CARDS HAVE IN COMMON ? ............( Article by Bridgemeister Gibson )

• Aces : there are always a few who think they're number one
• Kings: those who hold court and occupy the important seats of office
• Queens : the token minority of gays, only there to back up their associates
• Jacks : the bolshy males who like to be known as "the lads"
• Tens : members with no position of power but still highly valued
• Nines : the best dressed individuals ( done up to the 9's....)
• Eights: those who believe it's right for everyone to pull together.....like oarsmen
• Sixes and Sevens : members who are out of their depth, hopelessly lost......at 6's and 7's
• Fives : those who find it hard to sustain concentration, prone to taking the occasional nap
• Fours : the grovellers, who tend to get down on all 4's
• Twos and Threes : members who make up the numbers but make no impact or contibution whatsoever

BRIDGE BOOKS ALL THE EXPERTS SWEAR BY...............................( By Pun )

• Playing Bridge With Transvestites....................................Pansy Boyes
• What Comes After Green Points?....................................Goldie Wands
• How A Buiding Society Team Won Crockfords..................Abbey Nashnell
• Evidence That Convicted Bigot-Johnson............................Tess T. Mooney
• If Things Can Go Wrong, They Will...................................Murphy Slorr
• Explain That Convention Again Partner, Please.................Clara Fye
• Where's Our Opponents, Then?.......................................C. N. E. Boddy
• Hunting For Gold ?.........................................................Jason Rainbows
• I Suffered An Expensive Divorce Because Of Bridge...........Ali Monie
• I Love Big Fields.............................................................Lee Meadows

MORE TABLE ANTICS TO REPORT............................( Article by Dr. Signund T. Schukelgruber ) In the near future I intend to report on a hand where an Irish international opened 4C on his one count, holding a 5-0-1-7 distribution. But today I want to gripe about another top international, playing 2 suited weak 2 openers, who opened 2S on just two HCPs. This clearly suggested a convention with a very wide ranging point count !! So has the bridge world gone mad, or are we witnessing the re-emergence of the psych as the new exciting approach to modern day bidding. The following is an extract is part of the match report from The Independent's bridge column : " As is so often the case thesedays, especially at favourable vulnerability, West had a disruptive toy at his disposal. He opened 2 spades , which showed five spades and 4+ in a minor, 0-10 points". In actual fact he held : J10932....93..3... J10764 , but it was these two phrases that scared me the most : " so often the case"......"disruptive toy". Why wasn't the reporter more to the point? The phrase " highly aggressive and intimidating bidding antics" surely would have been more appropriate. I'm desperate to know now what's happened to the rule of 18? Why are the ruling bodies in the game ( even at levels 4/5 ) giving the green light for players to open on the rule of 13 ? This figure, of course, is based on a 5-4-4-0 distribution with zero HCPs. Why haven't they allowed these mavericks to open at the one level when possessing a single suited hand showing 0-9 HCPs, with 1NT showing 10-12? If it's OK to open on zero points at the two level, then surely it's right that the same can be done at the one level? However, in my humble view, the game is taking on all the dimensions of poker with its equivalent of "blind" bids, outrageous bluffs, intimidating calls......not to mention table presence, which can be used to spot and interpret tells. I can only conclude that if such bidding antics , or should I say developments, permeate their way down into the humdrum arenas of local bridge clubs, then heaven knows how many newcomers and novices will head straight for the exit doors.

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY...................................................................................

• Menace : a trouble-maker who needs to be isolated in some way
• Bust : either a hand without values or the major attribute of your club's most sought after female player
• Filth : a term given to a hand that contains a few HCPs but offers little in the way of being useful. It is was first coined by a player who pre-empted 3 hearts on six to the king and nothing else. When his partner bid 3NT only to go 5 off doubled for minus 1100, he was immediately rounded on for not having his bid. The well documented reply was swift and instructive: " Listen, you ought to know that some of my non-vulnerable pre-empts can be bid on filth ! "
• Game : the first objective in the quest for winning a rubber. Then having got the rubber, the next objective is to find a partner who is far more able and willing
• Green card : an item one must have to pass through USA customs if intending to earn a living as a bridge professional in that country
• Shuffle : the sad and distressing way that most bridge club members move their feet as they struggle to get around the tables

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES........................................................................................ Bridge to some might become a religion, but religion as such has no place in most bridge clubs across the world. The membership doors are open to anyone who becomes interested in the game.... whatever their race, colour or creed. However, there is one syndrome that gives the impression to those looking on that their bridge club has turned into a church of some kind. The HALO SYNDROME can be quite worrying for all those concerned. Indeed, a certain minority of members will be susceptible to contracting this affliction, which tends to lock in when pious and pompous players bring home difficult contracts. Symptoms can include a compulsion to preach to others how to play the cards, or proclaim that they have been blessed with this God given ability to succeed. They strongly believe in divine inspiration and being gifted in some way. They are more than happy to thank the Lord when things go right. However, as feelings of invincibility develop so does their ability to look extremely smug. Sermons become longer and more frequent.....and with nowhere left on the club premises for the uninitiated to find peace or sanctuary..... the club for them becomes a living hell. Unless this syndrome is nipped in the bud, many victims will then go on to see themselves as Disciples Of The New Way in bridge, wanting others to follow in their footsteps. Thankfully, there are others, less deluded, who just simply take up teaching bridge, having received of course a call from above.