THE ULTIMATE CLUB SECRETARY : THE JOB SPECIFICATION


The ideal candidate needs to possess the following abilities , attributes and skills if wishing to become an effective bridge club secretary :

1.   Thick skinned and pig-headed
2.   Incapable of apologising or showing remorse
3.   A fantasist
4.   A master of brevity and spin 
5.   An expert in the art of giving out misinformation . disinformation and meaningless cliches
6.   Manipulative and controlling
7.   Full of guile and cunning
8.   Dogged and determined , never prepared to let things go , forgive or forget, bury the 
      hatchet, forget the past and acknowledge compromise as a sensible solution
9.   Power crazy
10. Fully committed to converting personal agendas into committee ones
11. Passionate about promoting despotism and nepotism within the officer ranks of the 
      committee 
12. A natural and egoistic hypocrite forever doing what she/he tells others they can't

TWO SMART-ARSE BIDDERS ARE CONFRONTED BY A TOTALLY CONFUSED AND BEMUSED BIGOT.........

- So what do you call this ludicrous bidding system of yours ?
- The Foggy Unusual Club .......FUC for short
-  Is it licensed ?
-  Of course it is....the ACBL sanction anything these days.....not wishing to upset the top
   rank players from devising specially complex and baffling systems to combat and retaliate 
   against the real smart-arses...... who were seeking to put one over them with theirs
-  So tell me then.... what does your 1C opener say about the hand ?
-  In a nutshell..... it can be anything ........ a weak or strong hand......but not necessarily 
   denying clubs
-  And what about your responses ?
-  All bids at the lower levels are completely artificial......and alertable......since the auction 
   will be a series of enquiry bids and stepping stone answer bids outlining short suits and 
   high card strength, the final contract can only be decided upon at the very end 
-  Oh....so how do you know what contract you need to be in having never bid your natural 
   suits and HCPs
-  By a process of suit eliminations , logical deduction  and intuitive reasoning
- That fine for you but how the hell do opponents like me ever get to work out your hands
- You're not meant to. Even if you asked questions about the alerts , the lengthy and highly 
   convoluted answers will either blow your mind , or put you off  from ever asking again
- Well , I suppose I could look at your system card.... which thank God only appears to be
  a 2-sided document
- You could..... but It wont do you much good unless you read and fully understand the 14
   sides of supplementary notes that goes with it
- Christ almighty......this unusual system of yours leaves me in a complete fog
- That's its primary aim alright ......to fuc the opposition good and proper   

BIGOT-JOHNSON FINALLY CALLS IT A DAY.........

Sadly , this blog has completed its journey because in essence it was a story , which like any other story comes to an inevitable conclusion.
The motivation behind this blog was to expose ignorance and injustice , and the harrowing tale of two parties locked in a bitter legal dispute wasting huge sums of money on legal fees without resolution. Such stupidity , such insanity.
The story kicked off with the flying bridge mate incident which triggered an all out witch hunt by the club committee to get rid of the pilot member,  who had over the years been involved in other skirmishes with club officials. The disciplinary process that took place breached every known rule of natural justice , which the committee vehemently denied. The fact the accused never had an initial hearing was never considered to be a major issue , let alone the presence of blatant bias which bordered on blinkered lynch mob mentality.
With the club committee spurning the offer of early mediation to right the wrongs of the internal appeal debacle , the rocky road of expensive litigation was soon embarked upon. Six years on,  but a few weeks before the scheduled trial each side was now out of pocket to the tune of £130,000 plus. Then , out of the blue , a reality eventually sunk in that the judge was almost certainly going rule that each party would have to pay their own costs irrespective of the outcome. This of course made the trial a pointless and futile exercise as the recovery of costs had ultimately taken over from the question " had there been a wrongful expulsion ". Why therefore waste any more money ?
However , what really galled me was that the committee members were never at risk of being made personal liable for the legal fees , having secured the backing of nearly all the members to fight the action using club money. Needless to say the these members were never given the full facts at any time about the dispute, or the financial implications of proceeding to court ,  having to vote on resolutions in ignorance of the committee's inexplicable errors of judgement.
When at last the plaintiff's hands down offer was accepted by the committee, the new chairman declared that a line needed to be drawn, and that this sad and sorry affair should be confined to the history books and left alone. Nobody was held to account and certain individuals who were ultimately responsible for wasting and squandering club funds on a lost cause were allowed to remain on committee , never prepared to acknowledge or apologise for their failings. 
As a blogger I wanted to tell this story if only to warn all other bridge clubs to avoid making the same mistakes this club did over a 6 year period. Hindsight may be a wonderful thing but foresight is so much better........and far less costly. 

BIGOT-JOHNSON'S STRICT UNCOMPROMISING EXERCISE PROGRAMME FOR FAT , OVERWEIGHT , LAZY BRIDGE PLAYERS

Too many club members lack the fitness levels to play long sessions of bridge. Consequently it has become necessary for me  to whip them " into shape " through rigorous workouts. Indeed, members at the Slaughter House BC are now expected to undertake the following exercises :

Run for cover 
Jump through hoops
Push the boat out
Run the gauntlet
Join the rat race
Take a few running jumps
Pull out all the stops
Push up daises
Pull a few punches
Jump the gun
Be on the pull
Give other members a run for their money

BIGOT-JOHNSON'S KEEP FIT GUIDE FOR ALL BRIDGE CLUB CHAIRMEN.......

When you're in a position of power you need to be in good shape,  both mentally and physically.
A healthy body helps to keep a healthy mind , and therefore to achieve this you need to engage in my specially designed programme of keep fit exercises ( as listed below ) :

MAKE SURE AS CHAIRMAN YOU CONTINUE TO

Run the show
Jump down members' throats
Pull rank 
Push your weight around
Pull the plug on undesirable members
Run rings around your enemies
Pull a few strings
Make all the running
Jump ship when things go belly-up
Throw out any dead weight
Pull a few fast ones 
Swim with the tide when necessary
Jump the queue 
Run opponents ragged
Pull out all the stops
Cut and run

Finally , in the event of ever getting arrested  jump bail and stay on the run

HOW TO SPOT THE ULTIMATE BRIDGE PLAYING BIGOT...... ( Article by Bigot-Johnson )

In a world of bigotry I am in a league of my own. So when you next enter a room full of bigoted bridge players , the one who should get all the plaudits is the annoying bastard who possesses all the following giveaway personality traits and characteristics. These are listed as follows :

1.  Male ( of course )  
2.  Grossly exaggerates and overstates his ability at the game
3.  Condemns all other players , regardless of their status , as " muppets "
4.  Argues vehemently that all poor scores are down to bad luck and the fickle finger of fate
5.  Conversely , all good results no matter how fluky stem from his abundant talent and skill
6   Tendency to bully and browbeat ineffective directors on how rules ought to be interpreted
7.  An unshakable  belief that he knows all the answers to all the bridge questions ever posed
8.  In complete denial of all his shortcomings and failings
9.  Sees himself instead as a paragon of virtue and ethical correctness, when in fact the
     opposite is true
10. Forever holding court to disaffected listeners and unsuspecting newbies
11. Holds the most outrageous and contentious opinions on matters he knows nothing about
12. Ignorant to the point of abject embarrassment
13. Arrogant , irritating loudmouth
14. Bombastic , full of attitude , pomposity, vanity and self-importance
15. Hates to be quizzed, questioned or criticised
16. A bully but also a coward
17. Wallows in his own glory but refuses to acknowledge or applaud the achievement of others
18. Riddled with hypocrisy , prejudice and bias 
19. Obstinately devoted to his own opinions no matter how absurd or unreasonable they are
20. Blighted by irrational thinking , and deaf to those who offer good advice , sound judgement ,
       and wisdom 

If any club member ticks all those boxes then you have the ultimate bigot in your midst , who in my learned opinion clearly deserves like me some kind of special tribute award or medal. 

            ADVERTISEMENT :   ( by Bigot-Johnson
       Chairman of the Slaughter House Bridge
       Club )

       Why not give bridge a try. This is a game
       for young people with problem-solving
       minds to engage with others in a social
       and friendly environment.

       See the tension and excitement on the
       faces of those recently taken at a Friday
       night duplicate.  

   

        So please join up and help our average age
        fall below 75 .....but remember ladies it is
        compulsory to wear a hat and a coat at all
        times irrespective of whether the radiators 
        are on or not. 
        

BIGOT-JOHNSON ON BULLYING.........

" We all know that the biggest problem facing any bridge club you today is bullying. Indeed at the Slaughter House BC it's widespread. So if other members tell you that their club has cracked the problem , then they need sorting out somewhere quiet where their screams can't be heard.
In most clubs , except for mine of course ,  the bullying has become less physical and far more psychological. In this modern age a new bullying culture has taken over from giving annoying opponents and inept partners a right good thrashing. Recriminations , accusations , insults , threats , relentless and merciless criticism are all ploys used and adopted by accomplished and serial bullies , who often boast and claim superiority of the finer points of the game.
Mind you ,  should the culprits be the more senior members in the club ,  then giving them the necessary leeway and freedom to behave like beasts seem perfectly acceptable. Committees obviously need to turn a blind eye to their antics rather than risk upsetting these long standing grandees and resident club experts , renown for their short fuses and sharp tongues. 
I do acknowledge this new bullying culture is a problem that needs to be addressed but how ?
Well at my club the answer is simple : find a scapegoat to target and implement ruthlessly effective ZTP initiatives. Instant retributive justice. This way any club committee can claim that the problem of bullying is being tackled , albeit in a controlled way where rampant double standards are maintained and upheld. 
One poor chap at my club was deemed the perfect candidate for being the next scapegoat. He was held responsible for a verbal outburst of highly toxic expletives at a table in play , which required our ZTP officers ( Ronnie and Reggie ) to intervene. Not surprisingly his mouth was immediately washed out with soap before having his head flushed down the toilet. Moreover he was given a wedgie he would never forget. Whether this is on-the-spot interrogation and subsequent implementation of punitive justice was correct who cares ?  But the fact remains that this wretched man willingly confessed to being personally responsible for everything , and was more than willing to take whatever punishment came his way. Nevertheless his confession was hard to discern given that his mouth was pumped full of water at the time .... yet the gist of it was all there.
So there you have it. One guaranteed way to keep psychological bullying under some sort of control. And as for the accusation that this man was pushed all the way down the toilet , this was a wicked lie , stemming from malicious gossip started by his bereaved family. Moreover , he was not " innocent " like so many ignorant . low born , riff raff members of the club claimed. Heavens above if the committee and I started picking on and persecuting the wrong people , then this would surely give our club and bullying a bad name ! "

NEWSFLASH : SCANDAL HITS ENGLISH BRIDGE ........

The genteel world of English bridge was rocked by allegations of match fixing in a regional qualifier for the prestigious national teams tournament to be held in London later on this year. 
Several team captains claimed that Bigot-Johnson's team deliberately threw their match against a team looking to secure selection for the international squad. 
The sequence of scores in a very one-sided match represented gross underbidding and overbidding on the part of his team members , not to mention their inept play in defence. Suspicions were aroused when the non-playing captain,  Bigot-Johnson ,  was spotted in the hotel car park receiving a large bulging brown envelop from the opposition captain prior to match , before skipping off to the bank just around the corner from the venue hotel. 
When questioned about his team's abject performance Bigot replied " it just one of those days when luck deserts you and nothing goes right ". He strenuously denied any impropriety, claiming that the team he brought to the event was " rubbish " , and that their inexperience of tournament events caused them to panic and make silly mistakes. When questioned about one board ,  where a team member in first position chose to pass on 16 points,  Bigot put it down to the player's tendency to indulge in trap passes. The fact that 3NT was rigid having been bid and made on every table with overtricks ( but not on his table ) caused Bigot no concern whatsoever. 
Nevertheless he did admit to being very disappointed by the results from this match , conceding that some arses needed to be kicked very hard indeed. 
The enquiry still continues following further further reports of Bigot taking his team for a very expensive slap up champagne meal immediately after the tournament was over , when it appears that he needed to borrow money on arrival to pay for the team's entrance fees.  

ATTENTION ALL BRIDGE CLUB COMMITTEES : CHAIRMAN BIGOT-JOHNSON HAS AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE.....

" We all know that over the years the biggest problem has been the psychological bullying dished out by unforgiving members upon their weak and hapless partners. Anyone who tells you otherwise needs sorting out with knuckle dusters and baseball bats.
But today an even more disturbing problem has emerged , as a result of initiatives to curb the traditional bullying at the tables. This relates the development of the so called " culture of fear " which stems from zero tolerance policies , springing up all over the place.
For instance , at the Walnut Tree Allotment society BC the ZTP initiated there certainly brought about a successful crackdown on noisy and boisterous behaviour. The committee there kicked off by finding a suitable scapegoat to demonstrate their fierce intent to rid the club of loud and unruly members. This poor man , having accused his partner of being " a complete prune "  , had his head immediately flushed down the toilet before receiving a damn good thrashing. Days later a Spanish-style inquisition took place , which resulting in him admitting his guilt to many other allegations of bullying , dreamed up and invented by over zealous committee members gifted with incredible imagination , creativity and extreme bias. At the kangaroo court hearing he meekly accepted full responsibility for all his sins , stating that he thoroughly deserved every form of punishment which was about to come his way.
This sad wretch of a man , who was first in the firing line ,  confessed to making verbal remarks and theatrical gestures solely designed to intimidate and upset his partners. Onlooking club members were not surprised by this confession given the fact his mouth at the time was being pumped full of alcohol while tied to a chair. 
Nevertheless bullying in the club disappeared overnight once the fear factor was operating at full throttle. Members at risk  , being conscious of having a short fuse and acid wit along side a life-long habit to speak their minds ,  now opted instead to either sulk in silence or bury their heads in muffle cushions which are conveniently placed near to the tables.
But as always in life a solution to one problem merely creates another , and ZTP have replaced one form of bullying with another far more sinister and far more heinous. Committee members corrupted by power have seized the opportunity to rid the club of who they want , by waiting for the smallest transgressions to take place before initiating another ruthless and vindictive witch hunt. The culture of fear thrives upon those with big inflated egos picking on those who don't deserve it. Yes , without a shadow of doubt zealous ZTP enforcers really do give bullying a bad name. 
Finally,  I would like to add that ZT policies have no place whatsoever in The Slaughter House BC , because members are told that if you play bridge like a numpty expect to be called one : you either man up or give up the game. " 

. 

NEWSFLASH  :  IT'S TRUE....BIGOT-JOHNSON IS INDEED THE WORLD'S NUMBER ONE BIGOT

Forever wreaking havoc in the quiet and dignified world of bridge, Bigot-Johnson has become synonymous with extreme bigotry , reviled by all those who have crossed his path in clubs and bars across the world. What makes this man the epitome of bigotry can be answered by the comments made by ex-partners and club members, who have had the great misfortune to play at his table.
-  " I have never come across a person so riddled with prejudice , bias , hypocrisy and ill-feeling towards others as this dreadful , awful man "
-  " Blighted by irrational thoughts and beliefs Bigot-Johnson is unable to listen to or accept the opinions voiced by those blessed with wisdom and common sense "
-  " He has an unshakable belief that he can actually play the game despite his abysmally low ranking "
-  Always quick to malign and condemn all others as grossly inferior players or despicable cheats
-  " He will argue vehemently that all his poor scores are the product of bad luck , cheating dogs and inept partners "
-  " He will also argue that good results are all down to his talent and expertise , when in reality he has been gifted tops by fortuitous guesses and overly generous opponents "
-  " Bigot thrives on bullying and browbeating ineffective directors as to how the rules of the game are to be interpreted "
 -  " Bigot claims to know all the answers even though many of the questions have no definitive answers at all "
-  " The man is in complete denial of all his shortcomings and failings , which are considerable in both number and severity "
- " He claims to be a paragon of virtue and ethical correctness when in fact the opposite is true" -  " Bigot-Johnson insists on holding court to disaffected listeners and gullible newbies irrespective of their urgent desire to vacate the room "
- " This bombastic hypocrite holds the most outrageous and contentious opinions on matters which require carefully considered , non-judgemental points of view "
-  Bigot-Johnson is a loud , arrogant , egocentric , empty-headed numskull  who is nothing more than a bloated windbag full of hot air and pomposity "
- " His vanity and self-importance knows no bounds "
- "  He hates to be quizzed , questioned or criticised regarding any condemnation about his behaviour as unwarranted persecution "  
- " The man loves to wallow in his glory but steadfastly refuses to acknowledge or applaud the achievement of others "
-  " He is completely unable to see , perceive or recognise , let alone accept , the unreasonableness firmly entrenched in his unfounded beliefs and points of view "
- " The man's a tosser ! "

        

NEWSFLASH :  THIS WEEK'S DISCIPLINARY  HEARING AT THE WALNUT TREE ALLOTMENT SOCIETY BC HEADQUARTERS SEES BIGOT-JOHNSON BEING TRIED FOR CHEATING

(  The following extract from the hearing's transcript involves the chairman and Bigot-Johnson almost coming to blows in a bitter and acrimonious exchange )

Chairman (C) : Bigot....you're nothing but a despicable cheat !
B-J : Why don't you step outside and repeat that remark
C : No.... I'll stay inside if you don't mind....it's raining
B-J :  You sir are a coward and a tosser , who knows nothing about the game.... having little or no evidence at all to back up these false and scurrilous accusations about my unholy table tactics
C : Oh..... but we do have evidence of your underhand tactics.... because we've got a hand that clearly exposes your cheating shenanigans
B-J : WHAT hand was this ?
C :  Board 13
B-J : Ah yes.....that was the one which effectively won me the trophy. Indeed , I was the only one who managed to take the 6S contract off 
C : Exactly ! And that was all down to the fact that you and your partner were secretly exchanging information about the length of your shortest suits .....especially in relation to having a singleton or void
B-J : Absolute rubbish
C : You were dealt :  A.....AKQxxx....xxxx...xx
B-J : That is correct...
C : And your RHO opened 1D to which you overcalled 2H. Then your LHO doubled , showing the two other suits ,  and although your partner jumped to 4H .... your RHO with a slam in mind bid 4NT. So the moment he discovered that partner held two key cards in the black suits he went straight to 6S  
B-J : Yes...a contract which I promptly DOUBLED !
C : So how come you lead a diamond .....which happened to be the only way this contract could be beat .....by finding partner with a stiff ?
B-J : Yes ....that's what happens when he gets excited...but you do have to admit that lead was purely inspirational 
C : No .....it wasn't inspirational......it was based on unauthorised information passed over to you during the auction . Any sane player would have put the Ace of hearts down if only to get a look a dummy.....and to avoid any risk of partner's honour holding in the minors being swallowed up.
B-J : I didn't like the idea of leading a top heart......especially since I knew declarer would be ruffing it......so the choice was a club or a diamond
C : Then why a diamond......and not a club
B-J : Didn't fancy a club
C : Why was that ?
B-J : Instinct 
C : And why the double ?
B-J : Because 6S wasn't making
C: But how did you know ?
B-J : Instinct
C: Instinct ?
B-J : I can always tell .....or should I say smell......a singleton when it's lurking about
C : Explain
B-J : Well, whenever an opponent bids a suit in which my partner holds a singleton his little pinkie immediately stands upright
C : I've heard enough......you Bigot are banned for cheating.....and partner will also get banned for his outrageous finger signalling  

NEWSFLASH : USING A CLEVER PSEUDONYM THE DESPICABLE BIGOT-JOHNSON HAS BEEN PUBLISHING BOOKS ON HOW TO CHEAT AT BRIDGE FOR YEARS

Even some of the world's best players have used and adopted the infamous cheating methods outlined in careful detail in all of Bigot-Johnson's bridge book publications , categorised and listed as  " under-the-counter non-registered sales ". Indeed this dreadful man has accumulated a vast , tax free fortune from the contents of thousands of brown paper envelopes which came his way. The Sue Denim book titles accredited to this vile and despicable rogue are listed as follows :

• Cheats Never Prosper Except When It Comes To Bridge
• I've Been Cheating For Years And Still Club Members Are None The Wiser
• The Last Person Who Accused Me Of Cheating Got Sued For Millions
• In A Game Where Victory Is Achieved By Small Margins , Cheating Your Way To Three Big Tops Guarantees Success 
• Coughing And Throat Clearing Is A Sickening Good Way To Success
• Cheating Techniques Which Are Impossible To Prove
• How To Overcome The Close Scrutiny Of Video Cameras
• Communicating With Partner Above And Below The Table
• Don't Let Screens Put You Off : Use them To Your Advantage
• Using Your Eyes And Ears To Maximum Effect
• Lip Reading Loose Table Talk Can Reap Great Rewards
• Don't Let Conscience Undermine Your Quest For Success
• If The World's Best Are Using My Methods Then Why Don't You
• Finger Signalling Is A Such A Fun Way To Cheat
• It's Not What You Bid But The Manner And Way In Which You Do it
• Pencil Pointing Your Exact Point Count To Partner
• Timing Is Everything When It Comes To Stand-up Comedy And Bridge
• Avoiding Detection : Alternate Your Cheating Methods Regularly
• Easy To Master Cheating Techniques For Perfect Bidding
• Easy To Master Cheating Techniques For Finding That Devastating Opening Lead
• What's More Satisfying Than Out-Cheating The Cheats 

      

BIGOT DROPS A BOLLOCK…….

( Having just been suspended from the Slaughter House BC in what could only be described as a disciplinary hearing akin to a kangaroo court, a very disgruntled Pantopod decided to sue Bigot-Johnson and others for damages. With both parties called up before at judge at a pre-trial review , Bigot was in no mood to take any prisoners , as the following question and answer exchange revealed )

Judge :  What pray is your defence ?

B-J : We haven’t bothered to provide one

Judge : And why is that ?

B-J : There’s no need for one ? The man was a dog

Judge : But the plaintiff’s lawyers need to know what defence you intending to rely on with respect to the allegations of an improperly conducted disciplinary hearing

B-J : We did nothing wrong

Judge : But what if that isn’t the case ?

B-J : Well ….your honour….if we have cocked up then it’s no big deal…..the man was a dog

Judge : Why isn’t it a big deal ?

B-J : Because disputes like this…..involving dogs…..in small non-profit making , tiny little social clubs , such as ours , fall well outside the jurisdiction of the courts

Judge : Is that so ?

B-J : Yes….

Judge : And you’re suitably well informed to make such an assertion ?

B-J : Indeed I am

Judge : So please enlighten me as to your legal qualifications ?

B-J : I’ll have you know…. I’ve got 4 o’levels to my name….. one of which is LAW

Judge : And on the back of that knowledge, you assume I have no say on this matter

B-J :  Apparently not….

Judge : Well, I’m afraid I do…and it appears to me that this day has been a complete waste of everybody’s time

B-J : Too damn right it has…..a complete and utter waste of time……I could be at home pickling my onions

Judge : A state of affairs of which you are to blame

B-J : What !

Judge : And according to the rules relating to  “ wasted costs ” , you are required to pay for the plaintiff’s legal costs for this day , your own and the court’s …..payment in full within 14 days

B-J : I flabbergasted…. I can’t even draw my breath

Judge : If only that was true….

BIGOT MAKES ANOTHER SHOCKING CONFESSION.....

Bigot , Ronnie and Reggie were in the bar of the Slaughter House BC taking about their respective female partners , and the amount of control they each have over them. Ronnie and Reggie were doing all the talking , whilst Bigot remained strangely quiet. Each recounted instances when their respective lady partners were told in no uncertain terms that tears and nagging might well result in them being hospitalised. 
After a while Ronnie turned to Bigot asking " What about you then...as chairman of this club are you any different ? What sort of control do you have over lady partner ? "
" Why just the other night , she came to me on crawling her hands and knees .... "
Ronnie and Reggie were completely taken back by this revelation from someone they perceived as a wimp.
" No kiddin'....so what happened then ?
" Well.... " Bigot replied , ".....the bitch then said:, ' For Pity's sake....get out from underneath the table and stand up like a man.... while I mercilessly bollock you for binning that cold slam ! ' "    

BIGOT-JOHNSON IS FORCED TO FACE A HARD TRUTH ABOUT HIMSELF........

Partner : Bigot ...our partnership is at an end. I'm quitting for good .
B-J : I don't understand why......for am I not a good player ?
Partner : Have you ever won any trophies or competitions ?
B-J : No....I can't say I have
Partner : Well that's because you are a LOSER. You were always a loser and you will always be loser. You bid and play the cards like a loser. You 'll be a loser until the day you die. And if they ran a world-wide competition for the biggest bridge losers , you would come second !
B-J : But why only second place ?
Partner : Because YOU'RE A LOSER ! 

BIGOT FACES UP TO THE JUDGE WITH SOME DIFFICULT EXPLAINING TO DO.......

Judge : Why in God's name didn't you offer Pantopod an agreed sum of damages in return for him dropping the law suit for his reinstatement as a member ? 
B-J : WHAT !! Paying that toerag money would be an outrage and unforgivable sin. For years he has been the scourge of our club upsetting members left , right and center. How can courts condone the actions criminals and villains ?..... They should set about hanging them. Paying that man any sum of damages would be an act of pure INSANITY ....
Judge : Yes.....but forking out £70,000.... and planning to shell out much more.......on outrageously expensive legal costs......now that's what I call insanity
B-J : Yes....but there are certain principles at stake here which must be honoured at all costs
Judge : Like what ?
B-J : Like....not allowing the committee to be blackmailed by the threat of a law suit....like not caving in to his demands to resolve this dispute through mediation for that would be tantamount to a complete capitulation on our part.....and like standing up for what we believe was a right and just decision to expel this obnoxious Pantopod
Judge : Can you not see that these principles are nothing more than abstract ideals which fly in the face of common sense. The club happens to be a concrete reality and its members are living , breathing human beings. Some morally sound principles have to be sacrificed for the better good , which in your case is the financial survival of your club and its future existence. This fundamental and overriding concept of utilitarianism requires you to incur a short term loss or sacrifice .....to secure a much greater long term benefit. This means therefore... you have made two calamitous errors of judgement.....one in refusing mediation at the outset.... and the other , when ordered to go to mediation , by turning up....... brandishing non-negotiable pre-conditions
B-J : Hold on your honour.......you must remember......we are the ones being sued 
Judge : Did it not occur to you that there were good well-founded reasons for the plaintiff wanting to seek justice ?
B-J : Pantopod was a sinner........expulsion was the punishment he rightfully deserved
Judge : But not as a consequence of the shameful manner and way you went about the disciplinary process......rules of natural justice cannot be flouted no matter who is in the frame .....and no matter what kind the misconduct he has been accused of.....
B-J : Oh dear....is that really what the law says
Judge : I'm afraid it is....and ignorance of the law is no excuse
B-J : Bugger....bugger....bugger

SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC CREATE EVEN MORE AWARDS FOR MEMBERS INCAPABLE OF WINNING COMPETITION TROPHIES...........

Yes , Bigot-Johnson yet again has come up with exciting new awards to ensure that even more members are included in the prize giving extravaganza which immediately follows the AGM meeting :

Green Eye Award.......for the player whose envy of partner's superior skills is all too apparent
Eagle Eye Award.......for the player who spots and picks up even the smallest nuances of the
                                     opponents' behaviour to extract crucial information about their hands
Black Eye Award.......for the unfortunate member who after being on the receiving end of his 
                                partner's wrath picked up the biggest shiner
Eye On The Ball Award.......for the most thorough and resourceful member who never misses 
                                         out on what shenanigans the committee are up to 
Eye Sore Award.........for the  member whose appearance and dress sense enters the realms
                                 of disgust , vulgarity and utmost bad taste
Half An Eye Award.....for the kind of cheat who while playing one hand is casting a look at what
                                  cards are in play on the adjoining table
Turn A Blind Eye Award.......for the member who by pretending not to notice or comment upon
                                           the blatant misdeameanors of others is equally at fault
Evil Eye Award...........for the player most able to make his inept partner fear for his life with just 
                                a single glance
                                     
                                   
                                      
    

BIGOT-JOHNSON, CHAIRMAN OF THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC , DENIES IN COURT ACCUSATIONS OF LYING.........

Counsel for the plaintiff (CP) : I put it to you Bigot-Johnson that you are a liar 
B-J : Are you suggesting that I am guilty of telling porkies , pooling the wool over the members' eyes , pulling fast ones ,  never being on the level ,  speaking with a forked tongue , engaging in sharp practices , creating smoke screens , spinning yarns , taking members for a ride , and talking a complete load of bollocks.......?
CP : Yes.....all of those things ......and more
B-J : Let me assure you.... and this court..... I am a man who never tells a lie
CP : Oh....so please explain then why all your written submissions contain dozens of falsehoods and gross misrepresentations of fact .......which are so far from truth as to beggar belief. You have repeatedly substituted true facts with pure fiction
B-J : I resent that accusation?....
CP : So please tell the court how do you account for the shameful discrepancies which I have unearthed during this trial ?
B-J : Listen smart arse....these documents I submitted contained no lies to my knowledge......
although I must admit....on occasions .... I was just a bit economical with the truth
CP : That Bigot is a gross understatement
B-J : Surely one is allowed to stretch the truth a bit in a bold and desperate effort to get across a point more effectively ?
CP : If only that was case....
B-J : And surely there's no harm in hedging an issue if it's not the right time to come clean. And yes.....maybe I am guilty of prevaricating a little .....
CP : Bigot.....you have no shame......you lie through your back teeth
B-J : No sir....I do not....although I must admit to some dissembling and dissimulation of the facts.....not to mention dabbling with alternative truths......but as for lying ....absolutely not
CP : Man up for once in your life , Bigot..... and admit your guilt
B-J : Well ....I am prepared to confess to making innocent and inadvertent mistakes....and getting hold of the wrong end of the stick.....perhaps based on basic assumptions to begin with being inadequate......but I have always tried to be technically accurate
CP : You can say what you like about your failings and shortcomings.... but lies are lies
B-J : Indeed there are....however .....it is my contention that the pursuit of truth is chimerical. Therefore,  my guilt can only be that of pursuing the most convenient arrangement of facts which I consider to be pertinent and relevant to my ideas  
CP : Bigot.....you are beyond redemption

" DON'T CALL HIM STUPID " : THE WALNUT TREE ALLOTMENT SOCIETY BC DISCIPLINARY HEARING No.238

(  Within days of his last disciplinary , he was back in front of the disciplinary committee having foul-mouthed an opponent at the table. )

Chairman ( C ) : Did you or did you not call your opponent Arthur Brayne " stupid "
B-J : I certainly did....for I am a man who speaks the truth
C : That may be so....but in this club we do not insult opponents..... or direct foul and abusive language at them. Zero tolerance rules apply to all members....including you
B-J : Well ....the fool asked a rather inviting question as to what I thought of him as a person given my contempt for him as a player.......and being a man who believes in brevity I thought " stupid " completely summed him up in just one simple easy-to-understand word
C : But you can't do that.....it was an insult.....cruel and heartless
B-J : Excuse me....we know all that the truth hurts..... but stupid is what he is. In fact he should have treated it as a compliment because quite frankly he plays bridge like a moron .....never able to grasp even basic ideas or instructions
C : Really ? 
B-J : Yes really....you see being stupid is not having or showing an ability to absorb ideas readily. Moreover a stupid man is marked by his lack of intellectual acuity. Therefore , if these definitions were applied to him they would be compliments..... because the extent of his stupidity defies belief
C : Well.....even if that was the case.....  political correctness forbids the use of such a word which brutally portrays him a complete jackass 
B-J : Perhaps you're right.....it may have been better to describe old Arthur as " not the sharpest tool in the box "......or " having too much yardage between the goal posts ".....or better still " the wheel is spinning but the hamster's dead "
C : Exactly....because no way would Arthur understand what the hell these statements actually mean. And blissful ignorance would have resulted in no complaint being lodged against you
B-J : Ah well.....I must remember to do that the next time I sit down and play against this numpty
C : Sorry to say this......but there wont be a next time for a while.... that is until your 6 month suspension has been completed
B-J : Bugger...