YET ANOTHER AMAZING BUT TRUE STORY.....( By Bridgemeister Gibson ) 


A psychology professor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving out an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression , he asked " How would you diagnose a person who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute , then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next ? A geeky looking young man on the edge of the front row raised his hand and answered " someone who plays bridge ".                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             

A VERY NEARLY TRUE STORY.......( By Bridgemeister Gibson )

Although feeling remarkably fit an extremely active 70 year old bridge player decided it would be a good idea to see his doctor for a full medical check-up. When the check had been completed the doctor said "  My God man.... you really are in great shape. I can't find anything wrong with you. You'll probably be playing bridge till you're a hundred. So tell me ....how old was your father when he died ? "
" Did I say he was dead ? " came the reply.
So the doctor then asked , " How old is your father , is he still active ? "
" He's 93....he jogs daily to keep fit..... and plays bridge at least 4 or 5 times a week to keep his mind active "
" Well ....that's amazing....so how old was your grandfather when he died ?
" Did I say he was dead ? "
" Good grief....you mean to tell me that you are 70 years old and both your father and grandfather are alive ? And is your grandfather still active ? 
" Yes....and all 3 of us are lifelong members of the same bridge club . In fact my 116 year old grandfather .......who has been a widower four times ....... is now marrying his very young and attractive female partner  "
" Unbelievable.....but why on earth would he want to get married again... at his age ?
" Did I say he wanted to ? "   

YET ONE MORE NEARLY TRUE BRIDGE STORY..... ( As told to Bridgemeister Gibson ) 

In a bold attempt to model itself on the Benign Bridge Club USA , one enterprising club in Britain decided to ally itself to the local church in order to clean up its act. Members were asked to embrace the faith and engage in prayer before sitting down at the bridge table.
Each and every week before the start of duplicate play , a prayer would be recited by all as part of an indoctrination process to rid them of " anti-social " attitudes and behavioural traits.
As a visitor ( I'm buggered if I'm ever going there again ) I was required to participate in the following communal prayer :

Dear Lord ,
I am so anxious
My mind is full of worry and fear
Please be with me
Calm me down , and
Help me to trust that
You will take care 
Of my mental welfare
By reminding partner
To respect the club's 
Zero Tolerance Policy Rules
Through Jesus Christ Our Lord
Amen

The evening's bridge was indeed played in an emotion-suppressed vacuum , where silence and pious protocol were in ascendancy. I almost choked on death on it.


  

A NEARLY TRUE  BUT SAD AND SHOCKING STORY......
( As told to Bridgemeister Gibson by a little bird ) 

As two eagle-eyed members approached the gate entrance of their local bridge club , they spotted and recognised an old man sitting down by the roadside kerb , obviously upset and very distraught 

- Hey Goosey ......what's troublin' you ? You look as though you've had your feathers somewhat 
  ruffled
- I've been removed from the club house by a couple of crowing committee members
- How come ?
- Well , I hadn't paid this year's subs....I just hadn't got round to it
- Couldn't they let you in as a visitor until you sent them the money ?
- No....it seems I had already used this year's quota of 3 visits as a non-member 
- Good God....this committee lot a real sticklers for the rules !
- Not half....they love to rule the roost
- So I take it you asked for another membership application form ?
- Sure did.....but I was told " I needn't bother "
- Good grief....why possessed them to say that ?
- Quite....because I asked them the very same question and their reply was " it's likely to
  get refused......which prompted me to say  " on what grounds ".....and their answer was " we  
  don't care for late-payers like you......you're the kind of member we can do without "
- Well shag me with a rag man's trumpet....I'm shocked to the core to hear such a sad and
  sorry tale........this all smacks of expulsion by exclusion
- Yes....my thoughts entirely.....I was a sitting duck waiting to be shot.... in fact when I was being  
  shown the door I asked them " Isn't this meant to be a social and friendly club ? "
- And what was their reply ?
- " That's what we aiming for..... for as you know there's a pecking order in this place and it's 
  essential for those at the top to remove the trouble-making riff raff at the bottom to create a 
  sanctuary of love , mutual respect and harmony "

WHY CAN'T I EVER UNDERSTAND MY PARTNER'S BIDS !
........( Another true story of what went off at a bridge table by Bridgemeister Gibson )  

There are some bridge players who can never be pleased, quick to condemn your bids but never their own. 
One night I was partnering a player who firmly believes he is always in the right , despite his penchant for making outrageous psychs and off-centre bids. A great lover of  pre-emtive opening bids, he opened a non-vulnerable 3H , as I was purring over a lovely 20 HCP hand :  AKx....Axx....KQ109 .....A109. Without any hesitation I bid 3NT ultra confident in seeing this contract come rolling in.
A few minutes later I was entering a rock bottom 3NT- 3 result onto the score card. His hand was an entry-less  xx...J10xxxx....xxx....Qxx , and with 2 spades , 2 hearts, 2 diamonds and a club to lose did I hear any words of comfort or an apology ? Not a chance ! But what I did hear was this sharp-tongued condemnation of my bid.
" Partner.....get it into your thick head that I only open at the three level on ABSOLUTE FILTH ! " 

   

BRIDGE PLAYERS!  THEY ALWAYS HAVE AN EXCUSE ........( My fondest memory by Bridgemeister Gibson )


Many years ago I was playing in a team of eight intercity match away at York. As the away team we all had sitting seats with the home side moving tables. Boards were passed on clockwise in sets of two , with imp scoring up taking place after each round.
When the match was over there was a quick review of where the match had been won or lost , and which pairs were worthy of praise or recriminations. One pair I recall had a wretched time coming back with some shocking scores. So when one was asked " what went wrong ? " we all heard the best excuse ever made.
" Listen you lot......we were in a downstairs room on our own with no other tables in play. So we didn't get any opportunities to listen into what was being said at nearby tables about the hands heading our way. "
I never knew whether the answer was a tongue-in-cheek comment or a genuine observation about the form of cheating that goes on in such matches. But as an excuse it certainly made me smile.

IT COULD ONLY HAPPEN AT BRIDGE....... ( An almost true story by Bridgemeister Gibson )


Sitting large as life at the table was The Northern Pro , when along came his old long standing Nemisis , the man in the long black coat.
In an uncontested auction the Northern Pro opened 1NT only to wonder why his partner failed to inform the opponents of the point range.On receiving a 2D response the Northern Pro dutifully announced " transfer to hearts " , which he did as instructed. The next bid from partner was 2NT which was followed by 3H , showing 3 card support. Partner then bid 3NT to end the auction.
However , when Nemisis made his opening lead , the Northern Pro was onto him in a flash.
" It's not your lead. I bid no trumps first ". Nemisis turned towards him with an air of contempt :
" But you didn't.....after you opened 1S , you then rebid 2H in response to your alert ." The
Northern Pro was dumbstruck. He had indeed opened 1S when intending to open 1NT only to make an incorrect alert,  and the subsequent explanation of the bid. 
" I want a ruling " said Nemisis , and so the TD was called over. After hearing about the Northern Pro's mechanical error and subsequent false announcement , the TD suggested that the hand should be played out in 3NT , and if the injured parties felt damaged by the result , he should called back to make a decision.
So by making a poor lead against 3NT , Nemisis saw the contract come rolling in for a complete top. He was not a happy bunny. Moreover , he was adamant the final contract should have been four hearts, since the Northern Pro's bidding suggesting that the he had two-suited hand in the majors , with partner having the sufficient values to bid game. This contract of course was doomed to go two off for a complete bottom. Inevitably , the TD agreed with Nemisis , and so 4H-2 was the result entered into the well behaved grounded bridgemate.

Given the Fact The Northern Pro genuinely intended to bid 1NT , all his subsequent bids ( and alert ) were all in keeping with both his hand and system card. The 3NT call over his 3H was one he was happy to leave in trusting in partner's judgement.
Partner will of course have wondered what the Northern Pro was doing,  and so this thinking may have been as follows:
1S - he's got an opening hand with at least 4 or more spades 
2D - best bid I've got available but at least it shows my strongest suit  
2H ( after alert and announcement ) - what the blue blazes is partner about . I haven't got any bloody hearts......but has he ? 
2NT - This bid shows 11-12 HCPs and a flatish hand. Perfect.
3H  - Good God.....does the Northern Pro still think I've got hearts and is now showing support
....or is he now confirming 5-5 in the majors ?  I've no bloody idea
3NT - I should bid 3S now showing 3 card support for his first bid suit , but 3NT could be a superior contract if we're making the same nine tricks 
However,  moving over Nemisis , his analysis of the auction will be slightly different :
1S - The man got a spade suit
2D - Clearly 9+ points with a diamond suit
2H !! - What's all this nonsense ? Is this conventional bid on their system suit ? The Northern Pro likes to be clever , so I do wonder. May be I should start asking questions after this ?  
2NT - His partner clearly has values to bid on , and is offering an alternative spot to play
3H - Either the Northern Pro is showing 3 card support for his partner's hearts .....or he's confirming a strong 2 suited hand in the majors
3NT - Why aren't they in 4H ?   Surely that's their best spot for game ?  3NT is clearly an inferior contract and could well go off on a club lead. Happy to defend this contract against these numpties.

So in my view Nemisis didn't suffer any real damage , because 3NT was a bad contract which should have handed him a fair share of the match points. Certainly if the Northern Pro had opened 1NT and was playing in three , the obvious spade lead would have sunk the contract there and then. So had the spade bid scuppered the best line of defence ? Yes ...certainly in respect to the choice of opening lead. The lead of a club instead of the spade simply handed declarer with at least 2 tricks in the suit. And the subsequent ducking a heart now set up 8 tricks , unless Nemisis quickly switches attention to the spade suit. He should see that there was another club winner plus a whole load of red suit winners ready to be cashed. An immediate spade switch clearly offered his only hope of beating the contract. Dummy's miserable 764 of spades were a dead giveaway.    
Both 3NT and 4H were doomed contracts.  So were the opponents damaged by the opening spade bid ? Yes....far more so than the subsequent incorrect alert. Therefore , 4H-2 should not have been the substituted score. Either 3NT -1 or 3H-1 would seem a much fairer amended score. But with Nemisis , he wants much much more ,  and getting easy tops from opponents' transgressions , courtesy of helpful TDs ,  has always been a skillful feature of his game. 

WHAT MIGHT THE FUTURE  HOLD FOR THE GAME OF BRIDGE ?............( Bridgemeister reflects on a recent newspaper article )

The other day a very rare and unusual thing occurred : an article about bridge appearing in one the country's leading newspapers :

To a certain extent there was a small measure of hope and optimism about the future of bridge in that young people were " starting to swap nightclubs for bridge clubs " , with membership of the under-25's tripling over the last three years.
Alas , the statistics issued by the Bridge Union were misleading , because the stark reality was 
numbers were still depressingly low : membership had only grown from 106 to 344. The start of a revolution ?  I very much doubt it. 
The article then explored the possible reasons why this sudden increase in young members might be nothing more than a false dawn.  Bridge it seems has a negative image problem. Far too many people have the wrong idea about the game. Its reputation is one of grumpy old grey-haired fogeys , staring at hands of cards , slowly and ponderously deciding what bid to make , or which card to play next. Not an image which is likely to excite today's youngsters.
Thankfully , bridge is being introduced into schools which helps to break down any negative preconceptions. School kids , who love and enjoy mind games , can see and experience for themselves the stimulating challenge and passion the game can generate. But there again , they are all computer savvy and will be quick to pick up on the fact that bridge on the internet is far easier to access , available 24/7, and cheap to play. Moreover , they can hop in and out of a game without having to make any excuses or apologies. Perfect.
Then of course one has to acknowledge two other off-putting factors as to why young people , who fancy taking up bridge , might well reject the idea of joining a club. First off is the cost of taking a course of bridge lessons , which can last 10-12 weeks, which will quickly empty their cash-strapped purses. Secondly , there is the monstrous ogre of the highly intimidating Rule Book , which comes into play at every perceived transgression.  With so much to pick up and learn the task ahead seems both daunting and unappealing. Retired elderly people of course have plenty of time to spare, free of job security and financial worries. Young people who lead busy lives and work long hours seek to engage in pastimes which are quick, easy and  fast. 
So perhaps then there is a need for clubs to introduce a slicker , faster , more streamlined version of the game , namely rubber bridge. A game that can be played by as few as four , even possibly for money,. A version where the rule book is no longer than a page , where poker elements are embodied into the play , and where the participants " swap the Victoria sponge for Havanas , and the Earl Grey Tea for malt liquor ". Hopefully , young people might stick around a little longer to make the transition into duplicate bridge.

AN AMAZING BUT TRUE STORY......( As told to Bridgemeister Gibson in prose )

It was the National Pairs with reputations to make
Good partners were needed make no mistake
God turned up with a cracking good ringer
A bridge playing monk, an ex-choral singer
Alas for The devil for who did he pick ?
A drug-taking gangster dimwitted and thick
God told The Devil the trophy was his
He laughed as he spoke. He was taking the piss
As God went away looking incredibly smug
The Devil then gave the monk a big hug
" Heaven's full of good men, I know that's the case
But Hell's not so bad , it's a fun loving place
But life for you must be endlessly weary
Praying to God sounds so awfully dreary
Why not be a sinner , and swim in my pool
You be my partner , let God have the fool
It's great to have sex , being naughty all through
Just ask my girls as to what they can do "
With the switch taking place The devil did smile
For he won the event by the proverbial mile
As he took to the stage to claim his first prize
He stared down at God with joy in his eyes
So the moral of this story is never give in
Turn defeat into victory by relying on sin  

  

NOT SO LONG AGO..............

I challenged the committee's decision , not only with regards to a ruling , but also the manner and way by which it had been reached. From where I was standing , I thought significant mistakes had been made , which reflected a complete lack of rational thinking.
When I voiced my concerns I was both shocked and perturbed as to why none of them had been acknowledged or accepted as deserving further discussion or debate. I asked the chairman why my views have been dismissed as irrelevant ,  and the reply I received left me speechless : " No one else on the committee agreed with you ".
" Excuse me......but I'm a mathematician ......and I know two plus two does not equal five "
" Well , five is the answer we all wanted....five is the answer we were all happy with....and five is the answer we are all determined to keep "
" But the method you used to get the answer is flawed "
" The method we used clearly served its purpose since it ended up with five  "
" But you must all be blind to the fact that there is no sound logic or reasoning to justify such an outcome  "
" Might is right..... so logic and reasoning don't come into it....... moreover , by allowing bias and prejudice to dictate the process , we can make two plus two equal number we like in any manner or way we see fit. " 
And so in that short exchange of words , the perplexing problem of The Human Condition was revealed : no matter what merit , truth and validity may exist in an argument , if it threatens to undermine one's pre-judgement and/or firmly held belief then it must be ignored or treated with contempt.

I introduced an elephant into the committee room that day. As far as I know it is still there waiting for someone to finally see sense ,  and recognise the error of their ways.  

  

AN UNBELIEVABLY AMAZING NEARLY TRUE STORY....by Bridgemeister Gibson

On night , as I was on the way to my local bridge club , a small invisible leprechaun dropped from an overhanging branch onto my shoulder. This magical creature then told me that anyone who told me a lie tonight would be punched in the face and sent sprawling.
Believing all this to be a figment of my imagination, I dismissed this creature from my mind as I sat down to play bridge with my partner.However , on board 4 my left-hand opponent opened one spade, and in a flash my new found acquaintace jumped off my shoulder onto the table to throw a punch, which sent the psycher crashing the floor. 
After the commotion subsided with no one ( least of all me ) able to explain what happened, no further incidents occurred until board 19. During the auction I inquired as to what an " alerted " bid meant. The answer I was given was clearly incorrect, and so the leprechaun was at it again , knocking this particular liar out of his seat with a thunderous uppercut. For a second time onlookers were shocked and perplexed as to what was happening and why. 
Then came the last board of the evening, when my hapless and hopeless partner made an appalling lead of a heart against the opponents' 3NT contract. So when this contract made with an overtrick , I asked my partner what on earth possessed him to make such a dreadful lead. Eventually , he muttered two words......" I thought....." but before he could say anything more the leprechaun jumped down onto the table for a third time to land yet another fearsome punch. 

Truly a man of his word.   

ANOTHER NEARLY TRUE STORY......by Bridgemeister Gibson

Poor old George. Always down at the club every night, he was the eternal optimist. Not once did he waiver in his belief that one day he would finish alongside the leading scorers. But he never did. George's bidding was woefully poor, and his declarer play was wooden at best. Nevertheless on his last outing to the club gifts kept coming his way , and these provided him with enough good scores to lift him to a respectable fourth. Sadly, the excitement of it all proved too much for his weak heart , and he dropped dead the moment he saw the printed results. 
The following day his wife , who was also a bridge player , went down to the mortuary to identify the body. However when she got there the attendant had muddled up the labels. In desperation he showed her three bodies of elderly men ,  but none of them was George.
" Oh dear " , came the exasperated and despairing reply ,  " so like George......still unable to make it into the first three ! "     

A BRIDGE WORLD GONE MAD........ A very very nearly true story by Bridgemeister Gibson 

( Not so long ago , locked inside a closed room , a committee of ill-repute reached a totally incomprehensible decision , which to the outside world beggared all belief. The following
extract is based on a secret recording of what took place at that meeting. )


Chairman : Well, what's next up on the agenda ?
Secretary : The new competition which will be advertised as a " memorial event ".....
Committee member : Is whose name ?
Secretary : Well , private discussions have been taking place between myself , the chairman , 
vice-chairman and treasurer...... only to arrive at one possible nomination....
Committee member : And who is that ?
Secretary : Lana " Cooking's my game " Stevenson 
Committee member : What !.....have you all gone completely mad....the woman is a self-confessed cheat....who has cheated her way to winning several prestigious trophies.....none of which she ever intends to hand back......trophies which no one seems prepared or willing to take off her
Secretary : Ah ...but she's still a likeable person who has been a loyal member of this club for many many years
Committee member : Hold on....you mustn't lose sight of the fact that she's a filthy , low down , dishonourable cheat......and so why in God's name didn't you name someone else ? 
Secretary : Listen you....the club officers know best.....why the name on a memorial trophy must be a person ( dead or alive ) who everyone knows and HAS A MEMORY OF.....how on earth can a memorial event be named after someone who has never won a thing , a non-entity , a faceless anonymous individual.....because let's get real here LANA IS A LEGEND
Committee member : But the woman's a cheat.......and ought to be shot..... not revered. You're all scared to do the right thing ....you spineless , gutless, miserable sinners
Chairman : How dare you insinuate that we are scared of this woman.....or have misplaced loyalties towards her.....I'll have you know that as long serving members on this committee ....with vast experience of climbing up greasy poles , cuddling up to the rich and powerful , operating from inside the pockets of others , taking back-handers and bribes , and feathering our own nests.....we know what's right
Committee member : Oh I'm beginning to understand now from where you are coming from....
Chairman : That's good ....and perhaps by taking this bulging brown paper envelop home, your understanding will be that much greater ....
Committee member : Indeed it will.....indeed it will

THE DAY JESUS CAME TO PLAY ........ ( The follow up nearly true story by Bridgemeister Gibson )

As the teams competition got well underway , the two old men sitting North/South were holding their own , playing their usual solid game. Meanwhile , on the other table Jesus and his partner were winning all the imps. Jesus was indeed walking on water, playing like a man blessed with divine inspiration.
Opponents seemed unable to stop themselves handing out heaven sent gifts. Bidding intuitively stopped short of unmakeable games and slams , as though an unseen guardian angel was whispering words of wisdom and advice into Jesus' delicate shell-like ears.
With visionary prowess and an insight to where key cards were lurking , Jesus time and time again brought down stiff off-side Kings , and picked up missing queens even with even anti-percentage finesses and drops.
So despite a few small mistakes by the other pair , the team managed to win the event by the narrowest of margins. The three old man were ecstatic , utterly whelmed by their achievement.
Never before had they managed to make the top half of a field let alone come top. With tears of joy in his eyes  West turned towards his Jesus , his partner , and asked : " How did you do it ? "
Jesus gave him a little wry smile. " Never underestimate the power of prayer. I made one to my Father who was only to keen to give me a helping hand....here and there ".  

THE DAY JESUS CAME TO PLAY...... ( another nearly true story by Bridgemeister Gibson )

At a major teams event three very old gentlemen had just taken their seats at their table, when the TD came over to give them the bad news.  Toby , the fourth member of their team , would not be turning up , having died that morning at the hotel over a plate of soggy cornflakes. However , there was a gentleman who was more than happy to sit in and take his place , if they were happy to have a stranger join them.
They all agreed and so the TD beckoned over a bearded man in robes to take the vacant seat. It was Jesus. The three old men just sat there with stunned expressions on their faces.
Quick to seize an opportunity , as all good bridge players do , the first said humbly " Jesus , I've suffered from chronic and consistent back pain all my life ,  even since a horse riding accident 30 years ago. Can you help me ? "
" Of course I can " said Jesus and the moment he leaned over to touch the old man's back , the pain immediately disappeared.
The second old man who was wearing very powerful hearing aids also turned towards Jesus : " I've never been able to hear properly since I sustained a serious head injury in a motor cycle accident 40 years ago. Is there anything you can do to help ? "
Jesus smiled, and gently removed the old man's hearing aids and lobbed the offending items out of an open window into the garden outside. Seconds later he was able to hear with out any difficulty ,  and with crystal clear clarity ,  the conversations taking place on nearly tables. A gift which many bridge players would give their right arm for.
Then , expecting a third request , Jesus turned to the man sitting opposite. In a flash defensive arms were put up in a desperate attempt to ward off another miracle : " Don't you dare touch me you meddling quack.....I'm on a disability pension ! " 

ANOTHER NEAR AS DAMN IT TRUE STORY......by Bridgemeister Gibson


The other day I bumped into of the club's most prolific players , who for some unknown reason had missed out on his Thursday night duplicate.
" Where on earth were you last night ? " I politely asked.
" I spent the evening in Rotherham with a bimbo of a partner  "
" Doing what ? "
" Playing cards of course.......what else ? "
" Poker ? "
" I should say so.....and on several occasions .....between each set of boards "
" What ? "
" The silly bint needed constant reminding about our agreed system "
" What ? " 
" Mind you I did find using sharp pencils far more effective than my stiff index finger ! " 

  

A VERY NEARLY TRUE STORY ........ by Bridgemeister Gibson 

Married couples falling out over bridge is one thing , but allowing bridge to destroy the marriage is another . The following extract from a recent divorce case reveals a cross no man should ever be asked to bear.

Judge : Is it true that you and your wife are both members of Chesterfield Bridge Club ?
George : Yes.....that's is where we first met almost 20 years ago
Judge : How long have you and Thelma been married ?
George : About 15 years.....
Judge : So what are you claiming as grounds for divorce ?
George : Unreasonable behaviour on her part 
Judge : Please be more specific...
George : Shocking and outrageous abuse
Judge : And where did this alleged abuse take place ?
George : At the bridge club
Judge : What ! ....Did your wife ridicule and humiliate you in front of other members ?
George : No.....
Judge : Did she as your partner harass , berate and bully you at the table ?
George : Not at all...........not once did we ever partner each other
Judge : Well, what in heaven's name then did she do to you that was so despicable and abusive ?
George ( sobbing ) : Irrespective of who was present and looking on... she would beat me......beat me.....beat me 
Judge : How often did she beat you ?
George : She beat me every time
Judge : My God.....no man should ever be made to suffer like that......divorce granted

BIGOT DESPAIRS AT HIS LATEST CROP OF STUDENTS..... ( A very nearly true story by Bridgemeister Gibson )

Cheating has plagued the world of bridge since the dawn of time. So much so that even Bigot's students were caught out using devious and underhand ways to enhance their test result scores.
Out of a class of fifteen mediocre students  , all but two failed to score maximum marks . This fact alone caused Bigot to have his suspicions...... but having no proof nothing could be done.
However , one careless student had clearly exposed his guilt , and Bigot was on to him in a flash :  "It's strange how you sat next to Amanda only to get the same 19 out of 20 score "
" So does that mean I passed ...like Amanda ? "   asked the nervous young man.
" No.... because I'm failing you for cheating.....I'm extremely suspicious about the fact you both got question 14 wrong..... " 
"  You can't possibly know that it was me who was cheating... ", protested the red faced student , ".... for how can my wrong answer be any different to Amanda's "
" Because you sir are a complete muppet .... you see her answer to question 14 was I don't know .......whereas yours was neither do I "   
    
   

ANOTHER NEARLY ALMOST TRUE STORY .......( From Bridgemeister Gibson )

The historical origins of many words make both fascinating and interesting reading. Take for instance the word " SNAFU " , which according the Oxford English Dictionary means a state of chaos and/or confusion. This acronym was first coined by the members of the Slaughter House Bridge Club, when despairing of the constant chaos and mayhem that went on around them. For these poor beleaguered souls Bigot's hapless stewardship of the club was nothing short of shambolic, being politely described as  "situation normal : all fucked up ".
Indeed , the acronym based on this phrase was yet another great example of English euphemism, designed to satirise an appalling state of affairs , by stripping off the veneer of comforting illusions and cosy half-truths , and saying what needs to be said ,  albeit in a pleasant and inoffensive way.
Needless to say , the members of the Slaughter House created a whole load more of euphemistic acronyms, none of which ever gained acceptance as legitimate words. All of them were variations on the same theme , reflecting the various different kinds of cock ups and catastrophes that can befall badly managed bridge clubs. The following list contains just a few of the best :

• GFU : general fuck up
• MFU : management fuck up
• TOFU : typically outrageous fuck up
• SAMFU : Self adjusting management fuck up
• SUSFU : situation unchanged still fucked up
• TARFU :  things are really fucked up
• FUBAR : fucked up beyond all recognition
• SAPFU : surpassing all previous fuck ups
• TUIFU :  the ultimate in fuck ups    

A NEARLY ALMOST TRUE STORY........ ( From Bridgemeister Gibson ) 

For decades a rather over worked phrase  "  yarmouth man "  has been used to describe players regularly attending , and blighting , bridge clubs in and around the Norfolk area of England. In recognition of its popular and widespread use ,  the phrase has finally been added to the latest edition of the Bridge Players' Glossary of Terms.
Players who fit the definition of yarmouths are those  " constantly shouting at inept partners holding the insane belief that the louder they speak, the more likely these numpties will listen and take on board their criticisms ". Indeed , the first recorded incident , when this term was first coined , occurred at the 1954 Swiss pairs tournament in Norwich. A certain foul mouthed gentleman rose up from his seat to lambaste his hapless partner for a full five minutes , before two TDs were able to calm him down. At a nearby table one little old lady was heard to say " I bet you any money he's a Yarmouth man " , a description of course which then became synonymous with that dreadful kind of behaviour.