REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG..............

Dear Rebecca ,
How is it that whenever I'm dummy I immediately know how the hand should be played, even though I am not able to see what is in declarer's hand.
Yet the strange thing is that when I'm declarer my partner instantly knows what needs to be done to steer the contract home. Seeing just one hand seems to be far more enlightening than seeing both. So how do you explain this conundrum ? 

Yours utterly perplexed,
                        John from Manchester


Dear John ,
Since the world of bridge is so surreal and bizarre , nothing should ever shock or amaze you. Accept that fact that many aspects of the game will seem absurd. Accept the fact that mysteries of bridge will forever remain unsolved. In this game anything and everything is possible. Indeed paradoxes are the norm.
Quite frankly I haven't got a bloody clue as to why this particular phenomenon exists but it clearly does. I've experienced this absurdity so many times myself.
Perhaps dummy's main advantage is that he/she is under no pressure at all , being able to think without distraction or worry. Declarer on the other hand has to decide which line of play offers the best chance of making the contract , and/or securing a match winning result. With so much to consider he may take his eye of the ball.... especially if dummy is giving him a look of utter disdain , disapproval or disbelief. 

Yours just as perplexed, 
                      Rebecca

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG................

Dear Rebecca ,
The other day I returned to my old club for a night of duplicate bridge only to find a deserted bar room and unused rooms. It wasn't all that long ago that 16 or more tables would be in play but I found myself playing in a very disappointing six table field. 
The club seemed empty and the atmosphere dead. There was no " buzz " about the place , and for me the evening was a massive turn off.
So do these dwindling table numbers represent a trend towards oblivion , one which other clubs are also experiencing ? Is the game of duplicate bridge , as we know it ,  in its death throes ?  

Yours in despair ,
               Hope PInnott


Dear Hope,
It hurts me greatly to read your letter because I too share the same fears and concerns about the future of bricks and mortar bridge clubs. No one can deny that this wonderful game gets people's brains ticking and their hearts pumping , but today's world is technology driven.
At my club both membership numbers and attendances have been falling steadily over the past 20 years. Once the rot sets in it's difficult to stop its progress. One factor has been the growing number of smaller bridge clubs being set up by splinter groups enticing members away. For it seems that people ,  who like to play " social " bridge with players of a similar standard , prefer venues where soft cheating is both overlooked and accepted .
However , I believe the biggest contributing factor to falling attendances is internet bridge, which involves lovers of the game preferring to stay at home. Here they can play bridge for as long as they want , whenever they want.... for no or little expense ,  without the hassle of travelling there and back in all weathers, plus all that waiting around. Moreover , they can elect to play with well behaved robot partners , who will never volunteer any criticism or verbal abuse. 
So no.... bridge is not in its death throes at all , but unfortunately as more and more hands are being played on the internet ( than with real packs )  virtual reality bridge clubs will be the inevitable next chapter in the history of bridge. 

Yours facing up to the facts , Rebecca       




           

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG.............

Dear Rebecca ,
I was partnering the Northern Pro , when he picked up AQ7654.....AK4.....Q.....843. Not surprisingly he opened 1S , which was followed by a pass from my RHO.
I held 32....QJ1052....J94....K95 and under our system I was obliged to bid 1NT denying a 10+ HCP hand. However my LHO vulnerable overcalled 3D which ended the auction.
The Northern Pro then turned on me to ask why I didn't come in with 3H , seemingly laying the blame on me for missing a rigid game in hearts with 10 easy tricks there for the taking. Opponents were at best restricted to just 3 winners , with the Ace of clubs ,Ace of Diamonds along with a safety play first round duck in spades.
The King of spades was onside , and both major suits were breaking 3-2.  The club king  was sitting over the Ace , and consequently a losing club was going away either on an established diamond or spade trick.
So was the Northern Pro right in his assessment as to where the blame lay.

Yours feeling particularly unconvinced , 
                                                         Dan Virdcross

Dear Dan ,
I believe the Northern Pro was at fault for not reopening with a double. This way he could show more than a minimum opening hand , and a willingness to play in spades with little help from yourself. 
If of course you bid hearts showing five ,  he will have no problem bidding four. On reflection you had nothing more than what your 1NT bid suggested , but The Northern Pro's extra points and 6 card spade suit certainly demanded another bid from him. 

Yours clearly on your side , 
                             Rebecca Rood 

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG.........

Dear Rebecca,
Every week I end up playing duplicate bridge with people who condemn me to endless run of below average scores , and a national ranking well below my status of a top class player.
It seems to me that I am the poor unfortunate victim of clueless partners , wretched bad luck and cheating opponents.
Am I cursed  ?  Persecuted ?   Paranoid ?  Or what ?

Yours in despair ,
                     Riley Downe

Dear Riley,
Your plight is no different from that of many other bridge players who have the misfortune to partner those who fall short of the grade. And yes , whenever you end up with a rabbit as a partner , your misery will be compounded by foul luck and unethical practices ,  which always come to the aid of undeserving opponents. That it is the way things work out. That's life ! 
Nevertheless , why allow bad results to ruin your game. The real joy and pleasure one gets from bridge is in the participation, never the outcome.
As it happens my father was a good bridge player and was quite at ease with the fact he rarely got above 40%. He always knew that his contribution was a score around 65% , while his partner's input rarely exceeded 20 %. Moreover ,  his real pleasure was in allocating and apportioning blame after the duplicate was over. In this respect he was a true expert.
So why not learn to accept the harsh realities of life at the bridge table , and always convert a poor partnership performance into a personal and magnificent triumph. 

Yours grounded as ever,
                      Rebecca Rood

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG..........

Dear Rebecca,
I'm sick and tired of people going on about how horrible it is play at the Slaughter House Bridge Club. Well, I'm a member there and it is bloody great.
Where else would I get to butcher rabbits by the dozen , lay into hapless and inept partners with utter loathing and contempt ,  swear like a trooper ,  cheat like a dog and behave in a thoroughly objectionable way......without so much as a whisper of disapproval , polite warning or risk of a reprimand.
This wonderful little haven is the only place I know where you can be who you really are.

Yours...... living is for those who really love life,
                                                              Evan  Hisell

Dear Evan,
Yes , you do have a point. Most of us spend our lives trapped inside strait-jackets of conformity , forced to behave in accordance with regulated codes of conduct , and other people's rules about acceptable standards of behaviour. The alternative is chaos , bedlam and anarchy.
However , as much as the Slaughter House might be right up your street ,  I happen to have principles ( based on decency and respect ) which I would never compromise. 

Yours quite willing to stand up for the helpless and weak,
                                                                       Rebecca Rood    
  

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG.............

Dear Rebecca, 
What really gets up my nose ( other than an unwarranted air strike by a low flying bridgemate ) is the grossly inappropriate , highly patronizing , compliment " well played partner ", when an extremely inept opponent has only brought home the contract by virtue of some dreadful and catastrophic defending.
The other night a totally useless pair overbid their way to a hopeless 4H contract  destined to go off two on any bog standard defence. Despite declarer taking an inferior line for a possible minus 3 ,  my partner then endeavoured to gift him... not three.... but four bloody tricks . He did this by pulling out the wrong card , revoking on trick five ,   failing to remove dummy's last trump and failing to cash an established winner. Yet this patronising prat of an opponent had the gall to compliment his partner on his declarer play.
I ask you what is all this about ?

Yours Really Outraged from Oughtibridge  

Dear ROFO,
I with you all the way on this one. This is Best Behaviour at bridge has without a shadow of doubt gone a step too far. Praising partner's declarer play for getting a miracle score like that has to be a joke .  Why hide the bitter truth that the gift-wrapped result was handed to him on a silver plate ? 
If dummy is to say anything at all then words like " you jammy arse-hole " , " you undeserving bastard ", or " you must be the luckiest man alive " would be far more appropriate and honest , and far less likely to upset sensitive people like yourself.

Yours candidly Rood as ever

  

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG.........

Dear Rebecca,
I cannot for the life of me understand why the EBU has refused to sanction my new system of 1 and 2 level multi ( 3-way ) bids.  Heavens above..... the multi 2 diamond bid was approved and licensed without any objections , but there again that's what comes from having a surname like Reese or Flint.
To me this all smacks of double standards and favouritism. Don't bridge governing bodies what a bidding system that completely crucifies rabbits and wooden tops far more effectively that the rather antiquated and blunt-edged multi 2 diamonds convention. 
For instance my multi 1 club promises either a balanced 15-16 , a weak 6 card suit in diamonds, or a hand with 4-4 in the majors , while the 1 diamond promises either a balanced 17-18 , a weak 6 card club suit, or a hand with one good major and a void or singleton in the other.   Indeed this particular bid alone ( when used in rubber bridge ) has earned my partner and I a stack of stunning results and loads of money .

Yours Sick In Despair

Dear SID, 
Let's face it....one smart arse bid is enough to contend when partnering players, who find basic Acol bidding too difficult to comprehend and fully understand.
Your idea of having multi-three way bids on all openings at the 1 and 2 level, which no doubt would involve a system cards running into several pages , would be just another nail in the coffin of a game which is already in terminal decline. Indeed , it could be the thin end of the wedge , allowing the floodgates to open up with numerous mullti 3-way responses ! 
If bidding systems become monstrous complex mazes in which only the inventors can negotiate that elusive path of understanding , then it seems to me that many of the game's top players will left scrabbling around in the dark.
So yes , the EBU did do the right thing.

Yours  " simple bidding systems make for level playing fields " Rebecca Rood


   

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG...............

Dear Rebecca ,

The other night my partner and I scored an amazing top against two very experienced players.
With both sides vulnerable , my partner sitting East opened a weak 2S. South passed , and so did I , holding K10x....Qx....AJ1oxx ....Qxx . However North , who clearly wasn't the type of person to let opponents get away with a cheap contract ,  felt obliged to double.
So what did my partner do ?  He proceeded to bid 3S !!  ( Apparently , he had 7 spades all along ). South , sitting there with a few values of his own , made a responsive double , which I passed.....and so did North !! As it happened the 3S contract made with two overtricks for a stunning +1130.
Therefore , I have 2 questions to ask : (i) was my partner's bidding magnificent or insane ?
and (ii) who else at the table may have sinned ?

Yours HBJ


Dear Howard ,

In my book it is a cardinal sin for a player to raise his own pre-empt, especially when vulnerable. If his distribution warranted a weak 3S opener , then that is what he should have bid. Therefore the adjective I would use to describe his bidding is  " CRIMINAL " .
As for your pass, that too was criminal. I grant you your 12 points wasn't the best in the world , but with a fit in trumps and a decent 5 card diamond suit you should at least stick in a 3S bid , or better still make the regulation 2NT enquiry bid.
With regards to North mis-reading his partner's responsive double what else can I say other than criminal. Clearly duplicate bridge in your neck of the wood bears no resemblance to the honest kind I was first introduced to in the good old days, when players knew what they were doing and always remembered what was on their system cards.

Yours gobsmacked as usual Rebecca 


  

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG........

Dear Rebecca ,
What on earth is the blog Bizarrebridgeworld all about ? In my opinion it's the insane ravings of a man, who has massive hangups and an extremely warped multiple-personality disorder . Not only that he is crude , bigoted , and an all round nasty piece of work,  his blog is a sham having nothing to do with the game itself.
Do you agree ?

Yours utterly gutted by it all ,  Ima Herring 

Dear Ima,
Unlike you I find this blog both revealing and enlightening. If you care to read the blog title it should be obvious , even to a simpleton , that its content is about the " world " of bridge, focusing far more on the administration of the game , the way clubs are run , the types of people the game attracts , their psychological profiles , their petty politics , dealing with many of the contentious issues that forever blight this beautiful game. 
Moreover , the blog exposes and ridicules our human frailties and shortcomings. The author's observations are nothing more than a genuine attempt to prove that the world of bridge is truly bizarre. For beneath all the satire , lampooning , sarcasm , and crudity there lies unpalatable truths that very few of us are prepared to acknowledge and accept. And if bridge clubs are depicted as " asylums "  then this simply reflects the madness that goes on inside them. 
So my advice is this : if you only want to read about bridge hands then explore the many excellent blogs which are out there in abundance on the internet. Otherwise , take off your rose-tinted glasses and see the bridge world as Howard Bigot Johnson does.


Yours another realist and a hard nosed critic , Rebecca Rood
  
  

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG..............

Dear Rebecca,

Like all men of my age who play naff bridge , I feel obliged to go home and go over each bad board I played that night.
Although this practice could be described as a pointless form of self abuse , I see it more as a way of cleansing my sins in the pursuit of improvement and self learning. However, the time I spend punishing myself eats into my sleep to such an extent ,  that I'm lucky to get three hours kip before my alarm goes off for work.
Now into my early sixties I find it harder and harder to recover from this madness of self-inflicted sleep deprivation. I spend all day at work looking and behaving like a zombie. This of course is exacerbating my inability to focus and concentrate on my bridge at night, resulting in even more errors and more painful analysis when I get home.

Yours desperately needing help , Wally



Dear Wally ,

It seems to me that you are locked into a vicious circle , or should I say cycle of disadvantage.
Lack of sleep is clearly responsible for your careless mistakes and bad boards. Why you feel compelled to review your performance is beyond me unless it has a positive outcome, which in your case the opposite is true. Learn to forget about bad boards. Learn to accept failure and defeat , and focus on improvement in other less stressful ways. 
In order to break this cycle of late night post mortems of where you went wrong, rip up your scorecard on leaving the club , and go straight to bed when you get home. Moreover, it is so much more invigorating to bollock others rather than yourself.....and this needs to be at the table when your partner is still aware of his crass stupidity and inane play. Also it is necessary to go into a state of self denial regarding your own mistakes , and if you do then you will feel so much better for it. Hell , most players at my club have mastered this amazing art to perfection.

Yours forever cocooned from criticism , Rebecca  

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG..............

Dear Rebecca ,
I have recently started up a partnership with a woman, who not only has a drop-dead gorgeous figure but can bridge like a champion. To watch her expertly bid and play the cards is like a breath of fresh air, especially after having spent 20 barren , trophy-less years partnering a complete dunderhead .  However, this breath of fresh air contrasts sharply with that being exhaled from her mouth . The poor woman has shocking halitosis. In fact I would say she has cavities , tartar, plaque, staining and gum disorders, all of which make silent bidding boxes a god send. 
Naturally , I feel obliged if only for my own health and well being , to keep conversation with her to an absolute minimum . Mind you , on every occasion we pair up I always remember to bring a bottle or two of mouthwash, insisting that she takes a swig or two before and after each set of boards. Surprisingly she didn't object , but despite having been on this regime for over a month her breath still continues to make me feel both uncomfortable and nauseous. The smell of rotting cabbage is the only way I can describe it.
What I need to know is how much longer should I be prepared to wait to give the treatment a chance to work ? Or should I consider going back to old partner and give up any hopes I have of winning a trophy ? What do you think ?

Yours in a quandary , Ronald


Dear Ronald,

These questions are tough ones indeed. In my opinion, I believe success at the bridge tables is worth the sacrifice. Could I endure hours of being bombarded with foul smelling exhalations of breath just to lay my hands on a trophy or two ? I guess the answer would have to be " yes ".
There is no greater feeling of joy and ecstasy than winning a competition in a top class field. So don't let your nose get in the way of success, glory and prestige. Live out your bridge dream.
But might I suggest  that you sit further back in your chair at the table, and douse yourself in the most powerful smelling aftershave available on the market.

Yours always looking to sniff out clever solutions to tackle difficult problems , Rebecca
    

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG............

Dear Rebecca,
As chairman of the Slaughter House Bridge Club I feel entitled to receive respect, admiration , reverence and praise from the members. But what do I get instead ? ABUSE
.....that's what !  Why the other day one woman had the nerve , the gall , the audacity , the effrontery , the bare-face cheek to call me " sanctimonious ".
I was flabbergasted. I was appalled. I was beside myself in anger. I was livid. But most of all I was perplexed. What on earth was this woman inferring ? So naturally , I looked up the word to ascertain what meanings could be attached to it. Well, I was mortified at all the negative human traits so often associated with someone who is a sanctimonious arsehole.........

- makes a show of being morally superior
- feigns piety or righteousness
- full of condescending platitudes
- a windbag
- a self-proclaimed expert on morals , ethics and rules of law
- wallows in self-righteousness
- hypocritically devout
- overly judgemental and obnoxious
- supercilious and uppish
- a fake
- claims to occupy the higher moral ground
- always adopts a holier-than-thou attitude
- self-appointed judge and arbitrator on other people's mistakes and shortcomings
- assigns blame , condemning everyone but himself
- patronising 
- a preacher who sets out to lecture others endlessly 
- possesses an highly inflated ego
- a despicable irritation

Naturally , none of above apply to me. So I was outraged and miffed beyond belief. This remark of hers was clearly incorrect....a wicked lie....the product of a warped and twisted mind. All I have ever wanted ( and demanded ) was that people would listen to what I have to say, accept their mistakes and failings , and take on board my wisdom and advice.  

So knowing me like you do , what do you think about her remark ?

Yours HBJ


Dear HBJ ,
She is absolutely right. It always takes one to know one.  

Yours sanctimoniously Rood

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG...............

Dear Rebecca ,

Over the last fifty years or so I've seen bridge standards slowly but surely going down the pan.
And I can tell you that I am appalled by the sheer scale of their demise .
Male members turn up to the club in clothes that have never seen an ironing board in a month of Sundays. Most of them are completely lacking in dress sense , and in urgent need of some re-education in personal hygiene . Half the field haven't got a bloody clue about the rules of the game , or they just don't give a damn . Then , of course , we all have to endure the constant rudeness , bickering , harassment , and bullying that goes on at the table , not to mention the slow play , coffee-housing , and widespread cheating . 
What on earth has happened to this once treasured and beautiful game , played by ladies and gentlemen who were polite , respectful , refined and intelligent ? Tell me Rebecca what triggered this destructive cancer that is now condemning bridge to an inglorious death ?

Yours  I. Askew 

Dear IA ,
Put it all down to two irrefutable facts. Firstly,  that the only constant thing in life is change. And secondly , as growing populations compete for a bigger share of material wealth on a planet where resources are rapidly drying up, it's inevitable that people succumb to ditching all their moral and ethical values . 
Therefore , now that society has become so amoral , how can you expect the world of bridge to be any different.

Yours putting it all into perspective , Rebecca Rood     


    

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG.........

Dear Rebecca , 
Rarely does a league season go by without this obnoxious , jumped-up, pompous , overbearing, self-proclaimed expert in our team lecturing the rest of us on the damage we are doing to the team's chances of winning, by our careless mistakes , naff bidding and anti-percentage play of the cards .
I could give this fellow a damn good lecture too.......namely on the damage done to his personality by reason of his alarming hypocrisy , self-delusion , arrogance , vanity , and all round beastliness .

Yours Don Myeddin


Dear Don , 
Shoot the bastard.

Yours extremely blunt and ruthlessly Rood 

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG...........

Dear Rebecca ,
Are bridge players cowards or just plain lazy ? The other night a sweet little old lady was physically assaulted by an over-sized brute of an opponent , in a crowded room with dozens of  stunned members looking on in disbelief.
I stood and watched for a good five minutes during which time not one person lifted a finger to help.
Whatever happened to that British bulldog spirit ?

Yours  Ivor Faintheart


Dear Ivor , 
It is never a wise move to muscle in , especially if there's a real danger that the fracas will get out of control . Nevertheless , what someone should have done was to get the TD to step in , defuse the situation , and discipline the aggressor.

Yours Rebecca 


Dear Rebecca , 
Many thanks for your observation but I was the TD.

Yours Ivor Faintheart




    

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG.............

Dear Rebecca,
Flushed with success in a recent pairs competition, I immediately put in a letter to the club's selection committee,  demanding that they put my name forward as an automatic choice  for next year's " A" team.
But would you Adam and Eve it I received  a polite but curt letter back , explaining why my 540 local points for winning a Sunday afternoon charity event at Tickton Grange Old Folks' Home wasn't good enough to rate me as "A" team material !  
Well, let me tell you I was completely gutted. Moreover, these short-sighted bastards on the selection panel had the audacity to suggest that my local master ranking needed to upgraded to that of grand master before anything else. The pompous, patronising cretins. 
When top players at my club only choose to partner one another, I'm left to play with the riff raff. In fact looking back over the 2 years I've been playing the game, I've despised virtually every one of the 38 partners I've had to lumber myself with. They were so bad it took all my flair and genius to maintain my current average score of 46.5%. Indeed, it is my firm contention that even a grand master wouldn't get close to that average with such a wretched and inept shower of no-hopers.
So yes, I firmly believe the selectors haven't got a clue when it comes to recognising raw untapped talent when it is standing right there in front of them.

Yours miffed from Manchester  

Dear Miff,
I really do sympathise with your predicament. Why should you wait all those years to prove how good you already are. Climbing up through the EBU rankings means diddly-squat , as many rabbits have made it to the top despite being complete prats at the game.
My advice is simple and based on years of experience. Write in again to your selection committee, but make sure you stuff the envelope with big wadges of the green stuff. It's bloody amazing how any offer of sponsorship will get one the club's grand masters knocking on your door wanting you to be his partner in the next year's "A" team. 

Yours really well up on the the way things are done, Rebecca    

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG...............

Dear Rebecca,
Last weekend I played in a club pairs competition partnering a relative beginner. As it happened we managed to come in the top third, but the two bad boards on the last round cost us a place in the top three.
This was because we encountered two extremely arrogant and smarmy opponents, who did us twice with a rather dubious and highly suspicious convention. Only used at favourable vulnerability and in second position, it was described as the Hoffmeister No Trump Overcall , showing a 9-13 points, balanced hand, with 4 or more cards in two of the unbid suits. I had opened the bidding on both occasions with 1H, but when the INT overcall came in ( alerted ), my partner's natural 1NT response had been snatched away from him. Unsure as to what action to take, he dithered a bit before passing.
So on each board 1NT was played by our opponents, who failed to make either contract. Sadly for us +50 was an outright bottom when 1NT was making all round the room our way. Similarly +100 was no bloody good either,  when we should have making +120.  
Those two galactic bottoms diddled us out of the prizes. 
I have never come across this convention, and I'm desperate to know whether you have....... and what you think of it ?

Yours still feeling miffed as hell, Sylvia Gutbucket

Dear Sylvia,
This convention first come to light in Richard Powell's superb novel " Tickets For The Devil ".  Indeed, the Hoffmeister No Trump overcall has great value in either shutting opponents out of bidding ( as in your case ), or cramping their bidding room to reach a sound low level contract.
Most oddball conventions are licensed these days in a world where there are more artificial bids and responses, than plain simple natural ones. This particular convention always works well when a novice is sitting in the third seat. 
As to what I think about the convention ? Well, like so many others which allow opponents to bid very aggressively on absolute peanuts.....I regard such gadgets as sophisticated and legalised  forms of cheating, equivalent to a cricketer being allowed to use a 10 inch wide bat .......or a golfer having 30 or more clubs to choose from.

Yours still longing for the days when playing fields will be level again, Rebecca Rood

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG................

Dear Rebecca,
I have played bridge in all sorts of clubs all over the UK. But never in my experience have I encountered one like the Jolly Roger BC, tucked away in the quaint Dorset town of Rammett Upham. 
I turned up there as an uninvited guest,  but the members went out of their way to be both  warm and welcoming. There was so much drinking going on during the play, the duplicate itself was brought to a sudden halt after board eight, when everyone started to strip off. By then , I had also consumed a fair amount of alcohol, and so I naturally I just didn't seem to care.
The next thing I remember was my male partner jumping me without warning. I knew it was wrong, but I let it happen.
Not once....but several times with many of the other very obliging members !
Now  I feel so ashamed. What should I do ?

Yours still in a quandary , Freda Gossip

Dear Freda,
I'll tell you what you should do. Publish the damn details of what nights this club opens, and the directions to get there. The Jolly Roger is what I see as the future of bridge..... if bridge is to have a future at all.

Yours travelling down there at breakneck speed, Rebecca Rood     

        

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG...............

Dear Rebecca,

When a dog becomes old and infirm it is often the kindest thing to have it put down. In the
same way surely, it would be both cruel and heartless to keep my partner alive.
Over the past few years his game has really gone to pot. His brain is completely addled. He can't tell his clubs from his spades. He is unable to recall the bidding or what cards have just been played. His system card is now bereft of any meaningful conventions, and he revokes more often than not. As for his declarer play, random selection of cards has now become the norm. 
Surely To God the field is entitled to be rid of someone who hands out gifts on every board to all and sundry. Similarly, the committee, club members and I , not to mention his poor stressed out family, are all entitled to see an end to his suffering, by enlisting say a hired professional to put him out of his misery.  

Yours Yuthen Nazia

Dear Yuthen,

A guy like that in my club would still be ranked as one of the better players. Nevertheless, I do know a man who will do  " the job " for as a little as £2,000, so long as the money paid over is in used notes, with no questions asked.

Your always looking to oblige, Rebecca   

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG...............

Dear Rebecca,

Last weekend my partner and I went on spec to Bradford to play in a big green-pointed  EBU run pairs event . When we were told that the overnight hotel accommodation and entrance fee would be a staggering £500 for the 2-day event , I turned to my partner and said : " Well, for that money we could enjoy ourselves more if we went into town,  and spent the money on a couple of cheap hookers ! ".

So that's exactly what we did .

Yours concerned that bridge is becoming far too expensive to play,
                                                                                 Cecil Cheapskate


Dear Cecil,

God, if Sylvia and I had known of your presence at the venue, and your subsequent change of plans, we would have offered our services there and then. 

Yours always on the lookout for a quick trick,
                                                          Rebecca