BRIDGE BOOKS SOME LADIES MIGHT FIND OFFENSIVE......

•  Whoever Farted At This Table Needs To Own Up Right Now.............Otis Mee
•  Club Chairman's Wasteful Expenditure Makes Front Page News......Ed Liner
•  Quite Frankly I Would Like To Shoot All Those On Committee...........Mo M. Downe
•  Why Do Lady Members Turn Up With Colour In Their Hair.................Fanny Green
• He's Threatening To Sue The Club For Wrongful expulsion................E. L. Knott-Duett
• I Need To Be Updated On The Latest Bridge Gossip............ ..............Phil Mehan 
• Madam Trust Me To Find You The Perfect Bridge Partner...................Dizzy Shagwell
• It's Easy To Spot Those Who Enforce Zero Tolerance Rules..............Jack Boots
• My Partner's Game Is Hopeless Now He's Turned To Drink................B. R. Waller
• My Partner Seems To Have So Much Energy And Go........................Dinah Moe 
• That Man Loves To Partner Juniors Who Are Still At School...............Roger Ringbuoys
• Winning Is Great When You Receive So Many Accolades..................Pat Sonya Backe 
• I Can Never Get A Good Result  Against This Cheating Dog............   Beau Geyman
• I Would Love To Play Bridge Around The Clock If Possible..................Diane Knight

CLASSIC BRIDGE BOOKS I FORGOT TO TELL YOU ABOUT.............. ( Says a sorry Pun ) 

• Partner We Need To Get Off To A Cracking Start....................Onya Marks
• 4S On An 11 Count And I Was Only One Trick Light...............Neil Lee Caymen
• Partner Why Aren't You Scoring For Our Side ?......................Owen Gole
• There's Only One Word To Describe How Bad We Were........Des Aster
• Partner Stop Throwing Me Off With Your Wild Antics..............Buck N. Broncoe
• So Sorry Everyone For Squandering All That Money..............Shay Moynue
• I Made A Grand Slam Missing 3 Outside Aces........................Candice B. Dunne
• I've Got One Helluva Surprise For You Partner !.....................Gus Watt
• This Has To Be The Best Squeeze Ever Made .......................Hugh B. Judge
• The Cheating That Goes On In This Game !............................Kent B. Levitt
• Talking Bridge Is Easy But Playing The Game Is Hard............Fuller Flannel
• Partner At least You Have One Great Attribute........................Dick Fitzwell

CHEAP AND NASTY BRIDGE BOOKS........( Research by Pun )

• To Say He Wants Revenge Is An Understatement ....................L. Bent
• My Partner Will Not Take Her Expulsion Lying Down.................Sheila Peel 
• Where To Go ? :  This Committee Is After Our Blood.................Ron N. Hyde
• The Info I've Got On The Committee's Shenanigans...................Dinah Mite 
• So Sorry About Over Doing The Victory Celebrations...............Carrie D. Whey
• What Stops You Coming Out To Play Weekend Bridge.............Erin Syde 
• Come On Everyone , Let's Get this Match Underway..................Egor Beaver
• High Stakes Rubber Bridge Is Costing Me A Fortune.................Wilma Moneylast
• What Does Your Hunchback Partner Do For A Living ?..............Belle Ringer
• Please Tell Me : Was That A Big Trump Or Not ?.........................Augusta Wynd
• I'll Tell You What Punishment Befits Undesirable Members !.......Bess Burnham
• Some Players Can Talk Bridge For Hours And Hours.................Willie Everstop

BRIDGE BOOKS TO WONDER AND MARVEL OVER.......

• Be Grateful Partner ,  Getting An Average Is Still OK......................Arthur Lofe
• Now That's What I Call An Excellent Fit !..........................................Dick Welling
• What Did The Expelled Member Send To Our Chairman ?............Imelda Bomm
• If They Expel My Partner , He's Likely To Torch The Place..............Gus E. Wood  
• Partner , Don't Walk Off With All The Travellers................................Anne Demmin
• Why Don't We Have Some Fun And Goulash The Deals................Les B. Norty
• Members In This Club Don't Know How To Queue Properly...........Jocelyn Ann Pushin
• What Do You Think About The Club's Zero Tolerance Policy ?.......Loda Bollox
• Long Sessions Of Bridge Make Me Feel Tired and Lethargic........Jay Didman
• Partner, Will You Please Stop Butting In When I'm Talking.............. Billy Goat
• If Any Opponent Behaves Suspiciously Make A Note Of It...............Mark Hiskard
• What Happened At The AGM When Chairman Started Crying.......Cy Lance Reind   

OTHER WONDERFUL BRIDGE BOOKS WRITTEN BY THE WORLD FAMOUS AUTHOR  I. ASKEW...........

• The Cheating That Goes On At Bridge Tables
• Players Who Defy The Odds And Get Away With It
• What Possesses Clubs To Waste Money On Futile And Lost Causes ?
• Bullying Behaviour Which Is Completely Out Of Order 
• Why Do Slow Players Spend So Much Time Over The Obvious ?
• I Once Bid A 6 Card Heart Suit Yet Declarer Still Went Up With Dummy's Ace To Drop My Partner's Singleton King
• What Complete And Utter Birdbrain Thought Zero Tolerance Policies Would Improve The Bridge Experience ?
• Committee Shenanigans Which Simply Beggar All Belief
• How Come Every Player I've Ever Encountered Claims To Be An Expert ?
• Why Does Bridge  Attract  Psychopaths ,  Self-Righteous Know-alls , Social Misfits And Oddballs ? 
• What's So Wrong About Moving A Bridgemate Across A Table ? 

BRIDGE BOOKS BEST KEPT FOR A RAINY DAY.......

• Partner What On Earth Are You Up To ?..............................Ima  P. King
• My Lady Partner Is Young And Drop Dead Gorgeous............Q. T. Doll
• Half The Players In My Club Are Cheating Dogs.....................R. U. Shaw
• Partner Is There A Brain Inside Your Head Or What ?............M. T. Vessell
• Bridge Players Never Form An Orderly Queue.......................Jocelyn Ann Pushin
• Partner There's No Need For You And I To Fall Out...............Les Maycup
• After Long Bridge Sessions I'm Mentally Exhausted..............Sue J. Didd
• There Is Only One Thing To Say About ZT Policies................Sacha Loda Balls
• Partner I'm Always Here For You If You Need Support...........Leon Mee
• I Can't Stop Myself From Having Dreadful Tantrums  .............Paddy Thrower
• I Really Do Prefer Playing Bridge During The Afternoon.........Matt Tinnay
• Look I've No Time To Listen To Gossip And Tittle-Tattle........Candice Knott-Waite

BRIDGE BOOKS FOR THOSE WHO CARE ABOUT THE FUTURE OF THE GAME....... ( Like Pun )

• Rudeness At The Tables ?  Call In The Bridge Police................L. O. Hellow
• I'm Going To Report Your Rudeness To The Committee............C. F. I. Kair
• If He Gets Half A Chance He'll Peek At Your Cards..................B. D. Hyde
• Appealing Against The Committee's Decision Is Pointless........Y. B. Bothard
• What !  You Expect The Committee To Reinstate You ?............U. R. Kidding
• You Want Me To Help You Get Back Into This Club ?.................F. N. L. Mann
• As Chairman I've Received Dozens Of Poison Pen Letters.........M. T. Thretts
• What Goes On In This Club I Always Get To Know About.............I. C. Hall
• Many Will Turn Up To The EGM With Only One Objective.............Ray Sinell 
• How Do I Feel When An Expert Outbids And Outplays Me ?........N. V. Forshaw

EVEN MORE BRIDGE BOOKS FOR OBESE PLAYERS TO FEAST AND GORGE UPON.......( As recommended by Pun )

• My Club Spent A Fortune Just To Get Rid Of Member...................Sacha Horfall-Waist
• My Partner Seems To Drop One Clanger After Another.................Belle Ringer
• I'll Show You How To Make All Thirteen Tricks On This Hand.........Lowen  B. Holde
• What To Do If Someone Accuses You Of Cheating ........................Lyle Ike Adog
• The Day Bigot-Johnson Turned Up To The Club Stark Naked..........Noah Parell
• Before The Start Of Play Everyone Must Recite The ZT Creed.........Dewey Hafter
• Winning At Bridge Requires Going In For The Kill.............................Drew Blood 
• To Stay A Winner Simply Means Going On A Killing Spree.............Andrew Moreblood 
• There's One Player Who I Find Most Intimidating And Scary............Denise Arnocken
• Partner , If You Must Insult Me Then Please Do So Quietly................Danielle Soloud
• ZT Policies Need To Be Robustly And Religiously Enforced.............Bess B. Haver 
• What's Needed To Insult Partner And Amuse All Bystanders............Ray P. R. Whit

BRIDGE BOOKS SO FEW PEOPLE EVEN KNOW ABOUT..... ( Except for Pun of course )

• I Would Never Dare Cheat In Big Tournaments.............................Freida B. N. Court
• Why Do I Always Find Myself In Sticky Situations ?.... ................Mabel Sirrup
• If You Call Me A Cheat Then Suffer The Consequences...............Sue U. Forshore
• Don't Let Countless Bottoms Get You Down................................Troy Ardour 
• Thank God The Club Is Being Run By Sensible People................Lester Worryabout
• What Makes A Partner So Wonderfully Compatible ?...................Dick Fitzwell 
• This Is The Second Time He's Denied Being A Cheat..................Eli Dagane
• Why Is It That Members Call Me A Snivelling Wretch ?..................Ron . E. Nose
• What Does It Matter If You Keep On Losing ?................................Carrie Henri-Gardless
• Partnering Top Class Players Is So Rewarding.............................Benny Fishall
• OK Then  Partner I'll Tell You What's On My Mind !.........................Barry McCokinue 
• Yes Director He Did Insult The Oppo But Then He Scarpered........Sawyer Cummin 

BRIDGE BOOKS IN REMEMBRANCE OF A TRIAL THAT NEVER TOOK PLACE....... ( Research by Pun )

•  If You're Happy To End This Dispute , Then So Are We....................Les Shay Connett
• Members Speak Out On This Decision To Cut Losses And Run......Otis Horfall
• How One Member Described This Unexpected Outcome..................Des Asterman
• How Another Member Described This Sad And Sorry Affair.............Dee Backell
• Thank God This Long And Protracted Dispute Is At An End..............Gladys Hallover
•  This Dispute Has Caused Me To Frequently Wet My Pants..............I. P. Hallott
•  We Tried Before To Reach A Pay-Our-Own-Costs Settlement............Noah Vale
•  So What Was This Offer That The Committee Accepted...................Hanz Downe
•  Let's Call An EGM And Declare Ourselves As Winners.....................Victor E. Raleigh
•  Going To Trial Is Like Sailing Blind Into Dangerous Waters..............Di R. Straits
•  No Way Were We Ever Going To Admit Our Mistakes......................Honor B. Blode
•  Let's Look Upon This Dispute With A Smile And A Laugh................May Kay Jokovit
•  Pursuing Litigation Is Nothing More Than A High Stakes Lottery .......Bjorn Toulouse
• As Committee Members There Is Only One Decent Thing To Do........Stan Downe

BOOK BRIDGE ON SALE OVER CHRISTMAS.......

• A Player Like That Is An Absolute Rarity.........................Penny Black
• Whenever I Win I Just Dance With Joy............................Lynn D. Hopper
• If Your Partner Has A Hearing Impediment.....................Belle O. Lauder
• My Damn Partner Never Makes An Honest Bid..............Fuller Sykes
• Believe Me That Man Has Left The Club For Good..........Egan Forshaw
• The Way I Choose To Show My Disapproval.....................Ed Shaker
• I'll Tell You Why Your Results Are Suffering ....................Troy N. Tuard 
• It's No Big Deal If You Don't Get Selected.......................Y. B. Bothard
• The Secret Behind My Success At Bridge......................I. P. Callotte
• We Need Someone To Help Us Fight Our Case.............Noah Loyer

BRIDGE BOOKS NO GIVES A DAMN ABOUT.......( Including Pun )

• This Club's Expenditure Is Running Way Ahead Of Income..............Annette Loss
• That Lady Managed To Make Every Slam She Punted.....................Rhoda Luck
• I'veJust Played 10 Hours Of Non-stop Internet  Bridge......................Al Dunning
• Why Did Your Partner Slap You Across The Face ?..........................Helda Juggs
• Playing Cold Contracts Is What I Love Doing The Most....................Jack Frost
• Don't Tell Me You Believe I Cheat At This Game ?............................Gill T. Azelle
• Getting Married Put A Stop On A Glittering Bridge Career...............Nora Gretz
• What Decorations Can The Club Afford To Buy This Christmas ?.......Aretha Holly
• That Man Has The Knack Of Getting Any Lady To Partner Him...........Fanny Tickler
• I Would Avoid That Man Like The Plague..........................................E. Bowler
• Sorry , But This Club Has Refused Your Application To Join.............Doris Schutt
• Spotting Who Is Cheating At The Table Is Easy................................Ike Cantelle

BRIDGE BOOKS FOR QUALITY BEDTIME READING................ ( Recommendations by Pun )

• Members In My Club Are A Right Mishmash...............................Allan Sundrey
• So Tell Me What Shape Was Your Partner's Hand......................L. E. Fantine 
• Someone Had To Tell That Woman The Error Of Her Ways.........Sue I Tolder 
• Oh No My Partner's Looking Agitated Yet Again..........................Ena Flapp
• Why Wont Our Chairman Ever Face Up To Reality......................N. D. Nyall
• Those Allegations About Me Are A Load Of Balls.......................Tess Tickles
• Any Player Suspected Of Cheating Action Is Called For............Mark Hiskard
• My Game Has Gone Completely To Pieces.................................A. Wyre
• What All Stressed Out Bridge Players Need To Take.................Ann O'Dyne
• Should A Player Get Physically Abusive Then Restrain Him......Ed Lock 
• Bridge Players Need To Relax And Take Things Easy...............Mel O'Ness
• I'll Tell You What Our Chairman Should Do.................................Stan Downe
• No Way Do I Refer To Coloured Members In Racist Terms.........Sam Bowes
• Buccaneering Bridge Is What My Game Is All About...................Sally Mann
• She Gets UI from Tuning In To Loose Talk On Other Tables.......Ann Tanner 
• How Is The Team Getting On At The Other Tables ?...................Fay Lyne Badleigh 

BRIDGE BOOKS SOLELY DEVOTED TO DISCIPLINARY MATTERS ........( Research by Pun )

• What To Say To Players Acting Most Inappropriately..................Jack Hitten 
• How To Deal With Physically Aggressive Players........................Ann Cuffham
• The Best Way To Deal With Physically Aggressive Players........Ty M. Downe 
• My Days At This Club Are Numbered For Sure...........................Honor Blacklist
• What Avenues Are There To Take Tough Disciplinary Action.......Manny Rhodes
• I'm Up Before The Disciplinary Committee And I'm Worried..........I . C. L. Tupey 
• Players Who Cross The Line Deserve A Severe Beating............A. T. Lashings
• When A Player Completely Loses Control..................................Colin C. Curity
• In Our Club We Choose To Name And Shame Wrongdoers.......Y. Knott
• Permanent Solutions To Ridding The Club Of Miscreants............Bess Burnham
• Bigot-Johnson's Solution To Eliminating That Dreaded 2 %.........Ava Lynn Ching

BRIDGE BOOKS ONCE READ NEVER FORGOTTEN .....
( Regrets by Pun )

• If That Woman Had Put In A Complaint About Me.............................Ida Kilder
• Searching For The Perfect Partner Takes Me Far Afield....................Wanda Lust  
• Don't Take Chances If You Can't Trust Partner's Penalty Double.......Bess Pullett
• Member's Law Suit Against Club Makes Front Page News................Major Ed Lynes
• He Always Manages To Get The Committee On His Side ?...............Gus E. Swelling
• I'm Sorry I'm Not Up To Playing Bridge These Days........................Ricky T. Aldman
• Any Damage To Club Property Requires You To Pay Up Now...........Bill Meinstead
• What ! You've Got A Secret Dossier On Me..................................Ann Dittova
• Yes , I Know Exactly Why I'm A Troublemaker ..............................Bjorn Toby Wilde
• Madam , Have I Found You The Perfect Partner............................Dizzy Shagwell

BRIDGE BOOKS TOP PLAYERS NEVER DREAMED OF OWNING.....( Revelations by Pun )

• I've Just Gone And Trumped My Partner's Ace............................Sally Mee
• I'll Tell You Partner Why I'm So Bloody Worried..........................Honor Blacklist
• The Italians Always Celebrate Their Victories With A Song..........E. I. Adio
• When The Game Gets Tough There's Only One Thing To Do........Jack Hittin
• Take My Advice Oppo : Never Trust My Partner's Bids..................Eliza Lott
• How Do You Regard Our Next Opponents Partner ?........................Vic Timms
• The Chairman Has Promised To Turn This Club Around................M. T. Wards
• As Far As I Know We've Done Nothing Wrong.............................N. D. Nyle
• I'm Pretty Certain The Club Is In Real Trouble.............................Di  R. Straits
• There's Only One Person I Fear The Most....................................Erin Dawes
• Why Aren't You Staying For An After Match Drink , Partner ?........Ena Rushman
• The Chairman's Still Chuntering About That Whistleblower ...........E. B. Trader
• So Where Do We Go Now , The Club's Got No Inside Toilet ?......John Outhouse
• Don't Ask Him About What Happened At The Table....................Esau Soddall

BRIDGE BOOK REVIEW........ ( By Pun )

" Sniffing Out Those Missing Honours " by Bill Hooter has been voted bridge book of the year. Indeed it is a god send for all those players who experience great difficulty in locating missing honours.
The author attempts to educate readers into mastering the arts of logical deduction and table presence. On every page there is an illustrative hand which the author himself played with great aplomb, sniffing out the location of critical honour cards with remarkable success. Describing how inferior players always resort to a 50-50 guess, he proves by clinical analysis , inference and intuition how the odds can change to 90-10 in his favour. 
Bill maintains that bridge players need to develop the skills demonstrated by professional poker players , who rely on their observation of " tells " with startling success. The subtle nuances of changes in body language and facial expressions all too often give the game away.
Renown by his peers for having a real nose for accurate card reading , the author has won many prestigious trophies in his time. His partner B. K. Snout claims that without Bill's tuition he would have remained a nobody in the world of bridge. When defending they never fail to glean crucial information about each other's hand , simply by putting effective sniffing into practice. According to them big decisions should never be left to chance. 


   

BRIDGE BOOKS FOR GRUMPY OLD BUGGERS......( Like Pun )

• Some Players Really Give Me The Creeps........................................E. B. G. Bees
• Whenever I Look At Opponents I'll Tell You What I See.....................Vic Timms
• Playing Bridge With Young Boys Is What He Prefers.......................Peter Fyle
• That Chinese Bloke Can Recall Every Hand He's Ever Played..........Ho Lee Fuk   
• Play Bridge In A Blustering, Swaggering , Boisterous Way................Roy Stirrer 
• The Speed At Which She Plays The Cards.......................................Ena Rush
• That Defeat we Suffered Bordered On An Annihilation.......................Des Aster
• If Partner Acts Like He's Deaf Then Try Shouting.............................Belle O. Lauder
• What's This Club Coming To With No Inside Toilet ?.......................John Outhouse 
• Slow Players Are Going To Be The Death Of Me.............................Diana Bordam 

BRIDGE BOOKS GUARANTEED TO TAKE YOUR BREATH AWAY...................

• How To Keep Unruly And Disruptive Members In Check.....................Layla Lordowne
• What Punishment Will The Committee Impose On You And I ?...........Angus Forshaw
• My Partner Is Incapable Of Making The Simplest Deduction...............M. T. Heddid 
• My Partner Is So Full Of Shit He Really Needs Seeing To...................N. E. Marr
• Most Bridge Club Treasurers Hate Spending Money...........................Penny Pinchin  
• Outside Bridge I Love To Play Old Fashioned Slot Machines.............Penny R. Cade
• That Bloody Man Just Loves To Preach From Way Up High...............Paul Pitt
• Finessing Missing Honours Often Requires Just Taking A Punt ........Gus Werk 
• Recommended Dress Code For Nudist Colony Bridge Clubs.............Noah Parell 
• I Just Love Bridge Clubs Where Anarchy Rules................................Ron A. Mock

BRIDGE BOOKS YOU WISH YOU HAD NEVER READ......

• It's Amazing How Many Players Cheat At Bridge.............................Eve N. Mee
• My Partner Is A Complete Numpty And Brainless Moron..................Ria Tard
• There's Something Really Fishy Going On At That Table..................C. Bass
• Tell Me What Kind Of Player Makes The Ideal Female Partner ?......Nick  R. Lestart
• I'm Convinced That Woman Is Cheating In Some Way......................Bess Watcher
• Cheating Again ? You're Gonna Get Banned For Sure.....................Hope Pinnott
• What Will You Say When The TD Is Called Over ?...........................Chantel Allie
• Never Use Your Real Name When Writing Scurrilous Blogs.............Sue Denim
• That Man Plays Bridge Like A Swashbuckling Pirate........................Buck Kinnear
• Should I Play For The Drop Of The Queen Or Finesse ?...................Honor Gess
• I'm Afraid We're Fighting A Losing Battle Here , Partner ..................Ali Moe
• I Pride Myself On Obeying All The Club Rules And Regulations.........Laura Byder 
• Disasters In Bridge Can Happen When You Least Expect Them.......Oliver Suddan
• A Good Writer Will Often Slip Porn Into Great Bridge Stories............Ray C. Bucks 
• My Partner Bids Like A Maniac If Dealt A Good Hand.......................Carrie D'Whey