NEWSFLASH :  BRIDGE CLUB COMMITTEE FORCED TO TAKE DRASTIC ACTION.....

One poor unfortunate UK bridge club has been forced to close down having spent nearly £136,000 on window repairs over the last six years.A spokesman for the club said ; " The problem of flying bridgemates had got out of control.  Elderly members were incapable of throwing them with any degree of accuracy. Far too many attempts missed their intended targets only to end up smashing through the windows. "

Finances at the club had been so severely stretched ,  the committee had no other option but to close down the club. One member who had suggested steel meshing to be fixed to the inside window frames was completely ignored . Another poor sole who suggested reverting back to scoring up the boards on travellers was told in no uncertain terms to bugger off. Indeed , the club chairman believed that the bridgemate technology was here to stay , and that in future all members would be given lessons in piloting these lethal objects with precision and accuracy.

                                            

KEY PARTS OF THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC'S UNWRITTEN CONSTITUTION

1. The Chairman knows what's best for the club
2.  The Chairman always has the last say on what the written rules of the Constitution  mean
3.  The chairman can change any of these rules he/she believes is in need of alteration, 
      modification or deletion , at  any time without having to give the membership any prior 
      notification whatsoever
4.   Ordinary members are forbidden from obtaining any knowledge of these unwritten rules 
      and/or any real understanding of the written rules
5.   If the Chairman suspects that ordinary members have obtained forbidden knowledge or
      understanding of important and highly sensitive rules , he/she has the power to gag these 
      members or to permanently exclude them from the club 
6.  The Chairman is never wrong
7.  If the Chairman is ever proved to be wrong in his/her interpretation of the rules , it is due to
     an unfortunate misunderstanding , which happens to be the direct result of something said
     or done by irresponsible ordinary members 
8.  If the above applies , then these errant and wayward members must apologise immediately
     for causing this misunderstanding , along with a pledge to do penance
9.  An apology without a grovelling and beseeching request to receive harsh and brutal 
     punishment cannot be accepted as genuine
10. The Chairman is entitled to change his/her mind at any time on any issue , statement of
      intent or promise
11. Ordinary members are forbidden to hold any contrary opinions or views to those held by
     the Chairman , but should they share the same views they are certainly not allowed to 
     change them
12. Ordinary members may not in any circumstances point out that their chairman has ( a )
      changed his/her mind , or worst still (b) got no mind at all  
13. The Chairman has every right to be angry , upset and irrational at any time or all the time
14. Ordinary members must remain calm at all times , and be fully prepared to bite their own
       tongues and suffer in silence
15. The Chairman is allowed to be ready when he/she is ready
16. Ordinary members must be ready at all times and jump to attention the moment the
      Chairman issues a command
17. Committee members have no other duty but to support and back The Chairman
18. Committee members must pledge their allegiance and undying loyalty to the Chairman
19. No one must ever doubt the integrity, ability and dedication of their true and only leader
20. The office of the Chairman is a permanent position

CONFUSED ABOUT A BID ? WELL THERE'S NO NEED TO BE IF YOU ADOPT THE PRACTICES OF THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC'S EXPERT PAIR

Let's face it we mortals are all victims of a bidding system where one bid can only mean one thing , when in an ideal world you would really like it to mean another.
Take for instance a typical auction where you and your partner quickly establish possession of a long solid minor suit , but with an eye on the superior 3NT contract. So when your partner introduces a heart bid for the first time at the 3 level , what message does it carry ?
Clearly , the answer depends on the initial bidding so far , what's stated on your system card , and what's your agreed bidding style. Therefore a 3H bid could mean any one of the following :
1. A four card heart suit
2. A small singleton
3. A cue bid
4. A good heart stop 
5. I have half a heart stop  
6. I have a really weak heart stop 
So how do our resident experts manage to enjoy all 6 options , and communicate to partner which one applies to their 3H bid ? The answer is simple. It depends on the extent of their pausing , and the deep anguished pain that goes into their thinking process. And this is how it works so beautifully to their advantage.
1. Immediate confident bid = a genuine heart suit
2. Short pause , confident bid = a singleton
3. Short pause , but a more carefully considered bid = a cue bid ( possible slam interest )
4. Long pause , confident bid = a good heart stop , so bid 3NT partner if holding Qx in the suit
5. Long pause slightly pained thinking =  Qx of hearts , so relay 3S partner with a good heart 
                                                                      stop enabling the 3NT bid to come from this side 
                                                                      of the table
6. An even longer pause , real agonised thinking = a weak heart stop here J10 or Jxx , so can 
                                                                      you help partner ( bid 3S with Qx or 3NT with Qxx )

So yes.....bridge is an easy game if you put the right elements into your bidding style , along with of course the absence of a moral conscience.

NEWSFLASH : APPALLING INJUSTICE INQUIRY FINDS INJUSTICE  " APPALLING " 

An internal sub-committee inquiry into the shocking injustice of a club member being expelled for moving a bridgemate across the table in an inappropriate way decided a drastic overhaul of the club's disciplinary procedures was called for. Their remit was not to correct the appalling injustice but to hopefully ensure that cruel and heartless injustices like this will never happen again. The sub-committee chairman , Lloyd Whyowhy , said of this shocking tragedy " no way can we have a repeat of this ,  if the club is to avoid costly and crippling law suits ".
Indeed , the inquiry recommended that the following :
1. Disciplinary hearings must allow the accused member to be present in order to defend
    him/her self against all listed charges , details of which adequate notice must be given
2. Internal appeals against any alleged wrongful expulsions must be heard by members who 
    are capable of scrutinising the questionable disciplinary procedures with clinical objectivity   
3. Any perceived injustices which can be labelled as " appalling " must be reported back to 
    the committee as " calamities like this must never occur again .....at least for a while ".
4. The report may also include requests for something to be done or at least for something
    which has the appearance of being done 
5. Table money should be increased by a £1 so as to put aside money to build up slush
     funds to finance legal costs
The inquiry team must draw attention to the fact that their primary duty is act in the best interests of supporting the committee , and never to demand or even suggest any change to their decisions. Their role is merely to identify and label appalling injustices purely as a matter of historical record.  

THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BRIDGE CLUB'S NUMEROUS SUB-COMMITTEES

Chairman , Bigot-Johnson , has always been a great believer in forming specialist sub-committees to handle difficult and demanding tasks , which of course enables the main committee to focus on the broader policy issues. 
Over the years the club has created and developed well over 20 sub-committees , which have all proved indispensable in Bigot-Johnson's quest to run the place with absolute control and ruthless efficiency. The responsibilities and tasks carried out by these extremely important sub-committees are listed below:
1.   Inventing limp but plausible excuses
2.   Blame avoidance and transference
3.   Covert operations
4.   Investigations into members' alleged misconduct
5.   Theatrical productions and re-enactments
6.   Frame-ups and fit-ups
7.   Character assassinations 
8    Publication and dissemination of propaganda
9.    Contracts and indemnity clauses 
10.  Removal and disposal of incriminating evidence
11.  Knee-jerk reactions
12. AGM vote rigging  
13. Applications vetting and reviews
14. Internal surveillance and security
15. Preparation and storage of dossiers on members
16. Incognito ad hoc activities
17. Reckless spending projects
18. Fund raising for lawyers' fees
19. Reviewing oversights and cover ups
20. Circumventing club rules and regulations
21. Coordinating the work of sub-committees
22. Performance and appraisal ( of sub-committee members )
23. Ideas and development for new sub-committees
24. Slush fund budgeting



   

ANOTHER KEEP-THEM-IN-THE-DARK AGM BUT NOW ONE OR TWO CONCERNED MEMBERS ARE STARTING TO ASK SOME SEARCHING QUESTIONS.........

ANOTHER YEAR ON AND ANOTHER DARK AND GLOOMY AGM AT THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC....

ENRAGED MEMBER'S PROTEST LANDS HIM IN A WHOLE HEAP OF TROUBLE.....

MEANWHILE BACK AT THE  SLAUGHTER HOUSE  BC

COMMITTEE MEETING.............

SELF-DELUSION TRIUMPHS OVER SELF-AWARENESS .......EXCEPT FOR THE ONE WHO SEES ONLY THE TRUTH 

  

THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC COMMITTEE CONSIDER
THE UNTHINKABLE.......

MEANWHILE BACK INSIDE THE COMMITTEE ROOM.......

AT THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC  AGM THE TREASURER IS ASKED TO DO SOME EXPLAINING.......

- As an ordinary member I'm concerned that £42,608 has been spent on miscellaneous 
   expenses , which is up from last year's figure of £20, 520. I insist on knowing what this 
   spending includes ? 
-  Well....in a club like ours there are jobs to be done.....and people who are expected to
   carry them out need financial incentives. These are to ensure that the jobs are done quickly,
   efficiently and correctly.....often with no questions asked. Committee members have of course
   put in a great deal of effort , energy and time to see jobs through, and in many cases deserve
   to be rewarded. Moreover , certain jobs can only be done at a price !
- Yes....yes...but what the hell was this £42,608 actually spent on ?
- Please allow me to put it this way. That modest figure included perks , back-handers , bribes ,
  sweeteners , tips , extras , hush money payments , kick-backs , inducements , bonuses , 
  add-ons , over-and-above supplementaries ,  commission , frostings , and gratuities 
- You haven't answered my question......What services were purchased with this money ?
- You want a list ?
- Yes 
- A detailed list 
- Yes
- Well , first off.... jollies for the committee members don't come cheap. Then there are crippling
  legal bills which have to be paid for......not to mention the ongoing costs of removing
  mysterious deposits of elephant dung which keep popping up during the committee meetings.
  Add to that the money spent on the maintenance and upgrading of our surveillance of unruly ,
  dissident members....and we've already accounted for £30,000 plus
- What...you mean there are other hefty miscellaneous expenses ?
- Indeed.....the committee blew £2000 on a bulk purchase of lottery tickets hoping to win big 
  money in a desperate attempt to repay outstanding loans. Then another few thousand was
  spent on the production and storage of dossiers , which were kept on all club members the
  committee considered as undesirable.
- I'm shocked and appalled ......
- All expenditure like this is best kept under wraps.......as with the gerrymandering costs of  
  rigging AGM voting , involving bribes and transport expenses..... in order to get obliging 
  members to elect the right people onto committee.....and to back their draconian  proposals
- Oh my God.....
- And let's not forget the money shelled out in converting the flower beds in the club's grounds
  into hidden away burial plots....... indeed , landscapers and fully grown privet bushes don't 
  come cheap 
- I think you answered my question....thank you
- And I think you're your name has just been assigned to one of those plots  

  
   

TREASURER'S ABSENCE AT THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC COMMITTEE MEETING LEAVES YET ANOTHER UNANSWERED QUESTION......

THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC COMMITTEE'S 
BRAIN STORMING SESSION ENDS WITH AN 
INSPIRED SOLUTION.........                  

COMMITTEE MEMBER FAILS TO GRASP WHAT THE SPIN-MINDED CHAIRMAN IS REALLY ALL ABOUT ?.......

NEWSFLASH : THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC COMMITTEE CONFIRMS IT'S STILL RUN BY THE MOST GIGANTIC BASTARDS IMAGINABLE


Chairman Bigot-Johnson and his bully-boy lackeys just wanted everyone to know that the committee will continue to run the club in a disturbingly immoral way. 
Ordinary club members will yet again be persuaded , cajoled , and coerced into forking out money to keep the club's cash float afloat, as the committee has many more reckless spending schemes in the pipeline. These include , as usual , wasting huge amounts of money on mammoth white elephants and lost causes.Clearly , the rank and file members are living on another planet, as they seem completely unaware that the club is being run by lunatics, racketeers and demons.
A committee spokesman said : " Although we obviously treat the members will contempt , we still desperately rely on their financial support. Their donations demonstrate the hugely successful brainwashing and conditional techniques we have put into practice , in a bold and daring attempt to steer their minds in the right direction. 
Therefore the committee has no worries whatsoever about another round of wasteful spending and asset squandering on costly ventures , designed with futile and pointless objectives in mind. We know that the members will be there to bail us out , with generous loan contributions which we have no intention , let alone ability, of ever paying back.  Indeed , the last time we tapped a member for a loan , we were obliged to hold him down on the floor , and tattoo the details onto his forehead . This was simply because the awkward bugger claimed that given his poor memory , he needed a permanent reminder of the transaction. "      

INSIDE THE CORRIDORS OF THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC ANOTHER DARK CONVERSATION IS TAKING PLACE...........

- Can I have a quiet word ?
- Sure.....there's no snooping members hanging around thank God
- Well , it seems that the gerrymandering antics which took place in last month AGM could well
  mean the election results being declared null and void... this could be a golden opportunity
  get our candidate voted in as chairman.... if new elections can be quickly organised and
  secretly rigged  
- That would be great
- Agreed......but remember.........this isn't about our little group gaining privileges , generous 
  expense accounts , hand-outs and other advantages . Our main aim must focus on a noble
  cause........and that is to restore openness , accountability , integrity and respectability in the
  running of club by a competent , utterly dedicated and focused committee 
- Indeed...
- Because let's face it....  what's more important than ridding the club of nepotism , unhealthy
  divisions, elitism , corruption  and underhand dealings ?  If this club ends up with the chosen 
  one and ourselves on the new committee......as the sole beneficiaries of this clean up.....then 
  surely that has to be the right thing to happen
- Yes.......because then we'll be free to pull down the blind on the ordinary members , to reek 
  revenge , sort out and get rid of the undesirables , and to bleed the club's finances dry in
  pursuit of female supremacy and dominance  
- Quite....so now is the time to set things in motion.... and get this all important extraordinary
  general meeting underway
       

BACK AT THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BRIDGE CLUB THE CHAIRMAN EMPLOYS A NEW STRATEGY......

NEWSFLASH : SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC CHAIRMAN , BIGOT-JOHNSON , INTRODUCES NEW TOILET RULES

With so many homosexual members demanding a review of the toilet facilities , and calling for the " cleaning up " of behaviour involving those who simply go there to off-load unwanted body fluids and matter , Bigot-Johnson felt the time had come to implement their requests.
Club toilets are to be cleaned up immediately ,  in order to ensure that any member keen to engage in sexual activity with his partner has a right to do so , never to be embarrassed or disturbed by others wanting to use the facilities for bowel or bladder relief. " The committee are firmly behind me in that there needs to be a crackdown  on this filthy habit of  bowel evacuation and floor wetting in rooms ideally suited for ordinary cottaging homosexual members to do their business. These are members who like to nip out between rounds , seeking to gel more with each other and live life to the full. 
When questioned about where members should go now to relieve themselves , Bigot was quick to point out that unlimited options were available. " They should eat and drink less before they go out ,  pay a call before they arrive at the club , try much harder to hold it in , or when the pressure becomes overwhelming  visit the pub opposite , or use the privacy of the club gardens and their own cars . However the most practical option is to wear pads at all times ,  if there's a real and unavoidable risk of being taken short. "