Showing posts with label Miscellaneous. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Miscellaneous. Show all posts
Monday, 27 June 2016
Wednesday, 8 June 2016
NEWSFLASH : VICTOR MOLLO'S DIARY REVEALS A DISTURBING CONFESSION
Ugly rumours abound that Victor Mollo's wonderfully entertaining book " Bridge In The Menagerie " , in which players are referred to by animal names in keeping with their table behaviour , was inspired by an earlier albeit unknown literary work by one of Sir Francis Dashwood's descendents.
This 19th century masterpiece , entitled " Partnering Animals Is What I Love To Do Most " ,
was written by Bess T. L. Leening. This gifted writer depicted in her book of ill-repute all the club members who gave her the best time. In a doomed attempt to keep their true identities a secret , the animal names she chose completely gave the game away. Indeed , it was all easy easy to identify and name which club member she was referring to , given the fact that their sexual habits and traits had already become common knowledge through idle gossip on the club grapevine. Her top ten favourites included Mr. Ram , Bull , Donkey , Stag , Gorilla , Rabbit , Beaver , Kangaroo , Rhino and Ferret.
Not surprisingly the book was banned for its illicit and saucy content with critics claiming there was nothing in there for the true bridge enthusiast. Indeed , churches combined their resources to buy up all the books only to burn them straightaway, before persuading the publisher to stop printing.
Nevertheless , a few copies were secreted away and kept under lock and key by those with a love of animals. How Victor stumbled upon a copy no one knows ,but for him it was a priceless find. So captivated and enthralled by the animal characters , he felt compelled to write a book in a similar vein , simply as a tribute and dedication to Bess.
Ugly rumours abound that Victor Mollo's wonderfully entertaining book " Bridge In The Menagerie " , in which players are referred to by animal names in keeping with their table behaviour , was inspired by an earlier albeit unknown literary work by one of Sir Francis Dashwood's descendents.
This 19th century masterpiece , entitled " Partnering Animals Is What I Love To Do Most " ,
was written by Bess T. L. Leening. This gifted writer depicted in her book of ill-repute all the club members who gave her the best time. In a doomed attempt to keep their true identities a secret , the animal names she chose completely gave the game away. Indeed , it was all easy easy to identify and name which club member she was referring to , given the fact that their sexual habits and traits had already become common knowledge through idle gossip on the club grapevine. Her top ten favourites included Mr. Ram , Bull , Donkey , Stag , Gorilla , Rabbit , Beaver , Kangaroo , Rhino and Ferret.
Not surprisingly the book was banned for its illicit and saucy content with critics claiming there was nothing in there for the true bridge enthusiast. Indeed , churches combined their resources to buy up all the books only to burn them straightaway, before persuading the publisher to stop printing.
Nevertheless , a few copies were secreted away and kept under lock and key by those with a love of animals. How Victor stumbled upon a copy no one knows ,but for him it was a priceless find. So captivated and enthralled by the animal characters , he felt compelled to write a book in a similar vein , simply as a tribute and dedication to Bess.
Tuesday, 17 May 2016
NEWSFLASH : GOD BACKS THE " GET RID OF ZERO TOLERANCE POLICIES CAMPAIGN "
In an amazing new twist , God , who has never previously made comments on internal bridge matters , has come off his cloud and declared his support for a member unjustly expelled for breaching ZT rules.
Following Bigot-Johnson's bold declaration that ZT policies are totally flawed, God has made it known that the shocking lack of mercy and forgiveness does not bode well for those wishing to enter the kingdom of heaven. He believes that sinners are there to be saved and not punished.
This is a massive blow to the power crazed zealots who have introduced ZT policies into their clubs with a view to cracking down on those who err and stray. These zealots , who pedal and pursue the " project fear " philosophy , just love the idea of inflicting excessive punishments on those who commit minor transgressions. As God's only son rightly pointed out " Let he who is without sin cast the first stone ". Clearly , a ZT approach has now been exposed as a little short of pure evil in that those who enforce such policies often do so with venomous glee and sadistic pleasure.
However , sources close to the Almighty , say that the Supreme Being cannot recall any details regarding the alleged wrongdoing which led to the member's ruthless and instant expulsion. Nevertheless, the angel Gabriel said " That's God all over.....he moves in mysterious ways....and he only acted in response to the member's prayer. He now feels morally obliged to get involved in the disciplinary proceedings taking place in bridge clubs across the world. "
Moreover , according to Gabriel God does not intend to sit back and ignore the injustices which are likely to occur , which means divine intervention might well be necessary. He refuses to sit in silence while victims of extreme ZT injustices experience pain , suffering , fear and strife , when it is the very nature of the game which brings out the beast in man . Surely , if governing bodies want players to be passionate about bridge then it's only right and fair allow them to show their negative emotions when things go wrong. God also wants it to be known that He created man in his own image and is therefore responsible for all his shortcomings and failings.
In an amazing new twist , God , who has never previously made comments on internal bridge matters , has come off his cloud and declared his support for a member unjustly expelled for breaching ZT rules.
Following Bigot-Johnson's bold declaration that ZT policies are totally flawed, God has made it known that the shocking lack of mercy and forgiveness does not bode well for those wishing to enter the kingdom of heaven. He believes that sinners are there to be saved and not punished.
This is a massive blow to the power crazed zealots who have introduced ZT policies into their clubs with a view to cracking down on those who err and stray. These zealots , who pedal and pursue the " project fear " philosophy , just love the idea of inflicting excessive punishments on those who commit minor transgressions. As God's only son rightly pointed out " Let he who is without sin cast the first stone ". Clearly , a ZT approach has now been exposed as a little short of pure evil in that those who enforce such policies often do so with venomous glee and sadistic pleasure.
However , sources close to the Almighty , say that the Supreme Being cannot recall any details regarding the alleged wrongdoing which led to the member's ruthless and instant expulsion. Nevertheless, the angel Gabriel said " That's God all over.....he moves in mysterious ways....and he only acted in response to the member's prayer. He now feels morally obliged to get involved in the disciplinary proceedings taking place in bridge clubs across the world. "
Moreover , according to Gabriel God does not intend to sit back and ignore the injustices which are likely to occur , which means divine intervention might well be necessary. He refuses to sit in silence while victims of extreme ZT injustices experience pain , suffering , fear and strife , when it is the very nature of the game which brings out the beast in man . Surely , if governing bodies want players to be passionate about bridge then it's only right and fair allow them to show their negative emotions when things go wrong. God also wants it to be known that He created man in his own image and is therefore responsible for all his shortcomings and failings.
Friday, 13 May 2016
Wednesday, 2 March 2016
Monday, 29 February 2016
NEWSFLASH : IN A BOLD ATTEMPT TO NAME AND SHAME LOW DOWN FILTHY CHEATING DOGS , CARP IS ASKING ALL CLUB COMMITTEES AND GOVERNING BODIES TO HAND OUT THESE BLACK EBONY AWARDS TO THOSE DESERVING OF THE FOLLOWING ACHIEVEMENTS :
- The Most Ingenious Signalling Method Ever Devised
- Getting Away With It For So Long
- Die-hard Refusal To Own Up
- Excessive Number Of Trophies Won On The Back Of Unauthorised Information
- Brazen Belligerence In The Face Of Irrefutable Accusations
- Pin Point Precision Tuning In With Antennae Like Ears
- No One Ever Knowing The Full extent Of Our Nefarious Practices
- Eagle-eyed Long Distance Observations
- Repeated Refusals To Hand Back Ill-gotten Trophies
- Walkabout Surveillance And Information Gathering
- Self Delusion Leading To Perpetual Denial
- Outrageous Contempt For Ethical Rules And Fair Play
- Complete Lack Of Remorse And Repentence
- Dirtiest Cheating Dog Of Them All
- Do I Give A Damn About Any Of This
Monday, 22 February 2016
A SHORT PLAY ESPECIALLY WRITTEN FOR THE THEATRE OF THE ABSURD
( Inside a packed courtroom a perplexed judge questions the main defendant )
Judge : I take it the plaintiff is suing the bridge club committee for reinstatement and/or damages ?
Chairman : Well , that is absolutely right. The fool can't sue the club but it is not a legal entity ....being an unincorporated association of bridge lovers and devotees. The plaintiff therefore can only sue the committee members , who he alleges wrongfully expelled him from the club
Judge : Yes....that makes good sense , but can I assume that if he is successful , then you and the other committee members will all be personally liable to pay all his costs and any damages awarded ?
Chairman : Good Lord no.......that would be terrible. The club would have to find the money to pay all the legal costs
Judge : But you said the club isn't a legal entity ....and that only the members are in a position to sue or be sued. This means it is the members' responsibility to meet any financial obligations imposed upon the unincorporated association they belong to..... which of course goes under the name of a bridge club
Chairman : That's right....it will be the ordinary members who are obliged pick up the legal bill.......not the chosen few who sit on the committee
Judge :That's a neatest arrangement I've ever come across. You foul up but it's others who will have to pay.
Chairman : No....no....you've got it all wrong. Any money which has to be paid will be taken from club funds. The members themselves don't actually have to dig into their wallets and purses. They just sit back and watch the club's assets wither away to nothing
Judge : Like seeing their investments losing money in a stock market crash ?
Chairman : Correct.....and yes....real cash for sure will disappear from from the club's accounts but for each and every member their individual loss is purely a paper one
Judge : I'm amazed....
Chairman : But at least you're getting the picture now. The plaintiff....the silly bugger ....has to suffer real financial pain to meet his excruciatingly high legal costs.........while our personal liability is nil..... all because of the absurdity of belonging to a club which in law doesn't exist , which then exposes all the members as guarantors of any debts which we the committee may have negligently incurred
Judge : Yes.....a very neat and concise summing up of the law
( Inside a packed courtroom a perplexed judge questions the main defendant )
Judge : I take it the plaintiff is suing the bridge club committee for reinstatement and/or damages ?
Chairman : Well , that is absolutely right. The fool can't sue the club but it is not a legal entity ....being an unincorporated association of bridge lovers and devotees. The plaintiff therefore can only sue the committee members , who he alleges wrongfully expelled him from the club
Judge : Yes....that makes good sense , but can I assume that if he is successful , then you and the other committee members will all be personally liable to pay all his costs and any damages awarded ?
Chairman : Good Lord no.......that would be terrible. The club would have to find the money to pay all the legal costs
Judge : But you said the club isn't a legal entity ....and that only the members are in a position to sue or be sued. This means it is the members' responsibility to meet any financial obligations imposed upon the unincorporated association they belong to..... which of course goes under the name of a bridge club
Chairman : That's right....it will be the ordinary members who are obliged pick up the legal bill.......not the chosen few who sit on the committee
Judge :That's a neatest arrangement I've ever come across. You foul up but it's others who will have to pay.
Chairman : No....no....you've got it all wrong. Any money which has to be paid will be taken from club funds. The members themselves don't actually have to dig into their wallets and purses. They just sit back and watch the club's assets wither away to nothing
Judge : Like seeing their investments losing money in a stock market crash ?
Chairman : Correct.....and yes....real cash for sure will disappear from from the club's accounts but for each and every member their individual loss is purely a paper one
Judge : I'm amazed....
Chairman : But at least you're getting the picture now. The plaintiff....the silly bugger ....has to suffer real financial pain to meet his excruciatingly high legal costs.........while our personal liability is nil..... all because of the absurdity of belonging to a club which in law doesn't exist , which then exposes all the members as guarantors of any debts which we the committee may have negligently incurred
Judge : Yes.....a very neat and concise summing up of the law
Wednesday, 17 February 2016
DIABLO HAS A GO AT HIS PARTNER........
Diablo ( D ) : Partner, why don't you stick to the system card ?
Partner ( P ) : I generally do...
D : Then..why on God's earth didn't you open with that hand ?
P : I didn't like the look of it
D : So tell me what does an opening 1NT say on our card ?
P : 12 -14 points
D : And how many HCPs did you have ?
P : 12
D : SO WHY DIDN'T YOU OPEN 1NT ?
P : I really didn't like the look of it
D : Listen muppet head .....how am I going to have any trust in your bidding if you don't stick to what's on our card ? Should you enter the auction later , I'm never going to place you with that number of points.
P : We were vulnerable , and the hand was a filthy 12 count with very little in the way of trick potential. I had QJ.....Qxxx....Kxx... KJx which in my mind offered sod all. Bolster the hand with 10s , 9s and 8s , with honours in the longer suits and I'm bidding. Point counts don't allow for judgement based on years of experience
D : Please stick to the system card .....
P : But you don't
D: WHAT !!!
P : Twice tonight you've opened 1NT on 11 points
D: Partner....that's different .....bidding involves stretching , pushing the boat out and being bold....not being a wimp and taking jaundiced views all the time
P : Well, in my book......you should practice what you preach... and cut out the hypocrisy
D : If there's any cutting to be done....then it's going to be your scrawny little neck
Diablo ( D ) : Partner, why don't you stick to the system card ?
Partner ( P ) : I generally do...
D : Then..why on God's earth didn't you open with that hand ?
P : I didn't like the look of it
D : So tell me what does an opening 1NT say on our card ?
P : 12 -14 points
D : And how many HCPs did you have ?
P : 12
D : SO WHY DIDN'T YOU OPEN 1NT ?
P : I really didn't like the look of it
D : Listen muppet head .....how am I going to have any trust in your bidding if you don't stick to what's on our card ? Should you enter the auction later , I'm never going to place you with that number of points.
P : We were vulnerable , and the hand was a filthy 12 count with very little in the way of trick potential. I had QJ.....Qxxx....Kxx... KJx which in my mind offered sod all. Bolster the hand with 10s , 9s and 8s , with honours in the longer suits and I'm bidding. Point counts don't allow for judgement based on years of experience
D : Please stick to the system card .....
P : But you don't
D: WHAT !!!
P : Twice tonight you've opened 1NT on 11 points
D: Partner....that's different .....bidding involves stretching , pushing the boat out and being bold....not being a wimp and taking jaundiced views all the time
P : Well, in my book......you should practice what you preach... and cut out the hypocrisy
D : If there's any cutting to be done....then it's going to be your scrawny little neck
Wednesday, 20 January 2016
Friday, 25 December 2015
Tuesday, 8 December 2015
Wednesday, 7 October 2015
Saturday, 19 September 2015
Saturday, 29 August 2015
NEWSFLASH : A LONG LOST LETTER WRITTEN BY VICTOR MOLLO TURNS UP AT AUCTION ONLY TO SET OFF A WORLDWIDE HUNT FOR A VERY RARE AND PRICELESS BRIDGE BOOK......
The contents of this letter revealed an amazing confession. It seems that Victor Mollo's classic masterpiece " Bridge In A Menagerie " , which depicts vivid caricatures of players with animal names and behaviours , was inspired by an much earlier book written by one of Sir Francis Dashwood's descendants.
The book in question was an early 19th century publication entitled " Having Animals As Partners Makes Bridge Far More Exciting ". The authoress was Bess T. L. Cravings , a high society woman with a penchant for the unusual. Although the book in part maintained a colourful story line through a series of exciting and entertaining deals , its other much darker content caused a public outrage.
Not surprisingly the Church of England was quick to act successfully lobbying politicians to get this offensive literature banned. Copies were quickly removed from shops , libraries and bridge clubs , only to be piled up and burnt . Nevertheless , several copies which were already out in the public domain were secretly hidden away by animal loving , bridge playing fanatics. So when Victor stumbled across one of these copies on his travels , he was so captivated by its risque content and detailed drawings , he decided to write a similar themed book as a tribute and dedication to Bess's brilliant masterpiece.
Not surprisingly, there is now a world wide hunt for this earlier book with some collectors offering unbelievable sums of money to lay their hands on a copy. When one turned up in American over a million dollars exchanged hands.
The contents of this letter revealed an amazing confession. It seems that Victor Mollo's classic masterpiece " Bridge In A Menagerie " , which depicts vivid caricatures of players with animal names and behaviours , was inspired by an much earlier book written by one of Sir Francis Dashwood's descendants.
The book in question was an early 19th century publication entitled " Having Animals As Partners Makes Bridge Far More Exciting ". The authoress was Bess T. L. Cravings , a high society woman with a penchant for the unusual. Although the book in part maintained a colourful story line through a series of exciting and entertaining deals , its other much darker content caused a public outrage.
Not surprisingly the Church of England was quick to act successfully lobbying politicians to get this offensive literature banned. Copies were quickly removed from shops , libraries and bridge clubs , only to be piled up and burnt . Nevertheless , several copies which were already out in the public domain were secretly hidden away by animal loving , bridge playing fanatics. So when Victor stumbled across one of these copies on his travels , he was so captivated by its risque content and detailed drawings , he decided to write a similar themed book as a tribute and dedication to Bess's brilliant masterpiece.
Not surprisingly, there is now a world wide hunt for this earlier book with some collectors offering unbelievable sums of money to lay their hands on a copy. When one turned up in American over a million dollars exchanged hands.
Sunday, 2 August 2015
TOY TOWN BC DISCIPLINARY HEARING No.62
The characters : Chairman ... Clockwork Mouse
Secretary.....Miss Prim
Complainant : Bumpy Dog
The Accused ....Big Ears
Witness .....Mr. Wobbly Man
Clockwork Mouse : In this letter of complaint , Big Ears , you are accused of being an eavesdropper, because you were listening in to comments made about a board , which was heading its way towards your table
Big Ears : Who made this outrageous accusation ?
Clockwork Mouse : Bumpy Dog
Big Ears : And what else did he say about me ?
Clockwork mouse : That you have you monstrous ears ....the size of barn doors.....which can pick up any conversation from anywhere the room.....even from tables in faraway corners.
And what's more Bumpy Dog claims your ears function like antennae , capable of tuning in to any sound waves no matter how faint.....such as the dropping of a pin. Finally , he has labelled you as a serial eavesdropper
Big Ears : He's barking mad....and should be put down. The man has made a defamatory comment about me, which in my book warrants censure and expulsion from this club
Miss Prim : What needs to be put down..... on record..... is that eavesdropping is a serious form of cheating , which certainly needs to be clamped down upon
Big Ears : Hold on a moment......I heard the comments he made about the board in question , because it was impossible for me not to hear them. Bumpy's loud yapping voice is one which can penetrate even the thickest of walls ....he's so loud surely everyone would have heard him
Miss Prim : But would everyone have registered the contents of the comments ?
Big Ears : How would I know ?
Miss Prim : I call Mr. Wobbly Man as Bumpy's first witness......
Mr. Wobbly Man : Yes.... I'm here
Miss Prim : Do you recall the night in question ?
Mr. Wobbly Man : Yes I do
Miss Prim: Did you at any time hear any comments made by Bumpy Dog ?
Mr. Wobbly Man : No I didn't....I would be too busy concentrating on what was happening at my table
Miss Prim : Well Big ears.....there you have it.....it's only you who somehow tunes in to other table conversations...... but no one else
Big Ears : Have you asked other members.... present that night....... if they heard Bumpy yapping away ?
Miss Prim : We did.....and none of them could recall hearing his voice..... let alone the contents of his remarks
Big Ears : As you well know eavesdropping involves secretly listening in.....without anyone knowing that you are doing so.......but I told the TD about what I heard which proves the opposite. I wasn't acting secretly.... and there was no intent to seek... and then use..... unauthorised information to my advantage. Once I obtained details about the board , I told the TD in no uncertain terms that I couldn't possibly play that hand. You see..... ethics matter to me a great deal
Clockwork mouse : What matters to you are results. By refusing to play that board you had two objectives in mind. Firstly , you were hoping to get bumpy dog into trouble. Secondly , by having already run up an average 65% on the boards previously played , you were looking to get a 65% average on the board in question..... without ever having to play the board.
Big ears : Can't you appreciate the fact..... I was denying myself the opportunity to get a top...
Clockwork Mouse : Yes...as well as a bottom....but being a results merchant.....a guaranteed above average score on the board is what matters most
Big Ears : Nevertheless , calling me an eavesdropper implies that I am a cheat.....which is not the case .....Heaven's above....I can't help it if I'm gifted with acute hearing
Clockwork Mouse : Might I suggest then... the wearing of ear muffs ?
Big Ears : You sir can go and get stuffed
Clockwork Mouse : Something you should have done with your ears....
Big Ears : I'm off
Miss Prim : Permanently I hope....
The characters : Chairman ... Clockwork Mouse
Secretary.....Miss Prim
Complainant : Bumpy Dog
The Accused ....Big Ears
Witness .....Mr. Wobbly Man
Clockwork Mouse : In this letter of complaint , Big Ears , you are accused of being an eavesdropper, because you were listening in to comments made about a board , which was heading its way towards your table
Big Ears : Who made this outrageous accusation ?
Clockwork Mouse : Bumpy Dog
Big Ears : And what else did he say about me ?
Clockwork mouse : That you have you monstrous ears ....the size of barn doors.....which can pick up any conversation from anywhere the room.....even from tables in faraway corners.
And what's more Bumpy Dog claims your ears function like antennae , capable of tuning in to any sound waves no matter how faint.....such as the dropping of a pin. Finally , he has labelled you as a serial eavesdropper
Big Ears : He's barking mad....and should be put down. The man has made a defamatory comment about me, which in my book warrants censure and expulsion from this club
Miss Prim : What needs to be put down..... on record..... is that eavesdropping is a serious form of cheating , which certainly needs to be clamped down upon
Big Ears : Hold on a moment......I heard the comments he made about the board in question , because it was impossible for me not to hear them. Bumpy's loud yapping voice is one which can penetrate even the thickest of walls ....he's so loud surely everyone would have heard him
Miss Prim : But would everyone have registered the contents of the comments ?
Big Ears : How would I know ?
Miss Prim : I call Mr. Wobbly Man as Bumpy's first witness......
Mr. Wobbly Man : Yes.... I'm here
Miss Prim : Do you recall the night in question ?
Mr. Wobbly Man : Yes I do
Miss Prim: Did you at any time hear any comments made by Bumpy Dog ?
Mr. Wobbly Man : No I didn't....I would be too busy concentrating on what was happening at my table
Miss Prim : Well Big ears.....there you have it.....it's only you who somehow tunes in to other table conversations...... but no one else
Big Ears : Have you asked other members.... present that night....... if they heard Bumpy yapping away ?
Miss Prim : We did.....and none of them could recall hearing his voice..... let alone the contents of his remarks
Big Ears : As you well know eavesdropping involves secretly listening in.....without anyone knowing that you are doing so.......but I told the TD about what I heard which proves the opposite. I wasn't acting secretly.... and there was no intent to seek... and then use..... unauthorised information to my advantage. Once I obtained details about the board , I told the TD in no uncertain terms that I couldn't possibly play that hand. You see..... ethics matter to me a great deal
Clockwork mouse : What matters to you are results. By refusing to play that board you had two objectives in mind. Firstly , you were hoping to get bumpy dog into trouble. Secondly , by having already run up an average 65% on the boards previously played , you were looking to get a 65% average on the board in question..... without ever having to play the board.
Big ears : Can't you appreciate the fact..... I was denying myself the opportunity to get a top...
Clockwork Mouse : Yes...as well as a bottom....but being a results merchant.....a guaranteed above average score on the board is what matters most
Big Ears : Nevertheless , calling me an eavesdropper implies that I am a cheat.....which is not the case .....Heaven's above....I can't help it if I'm gifted with acute hearing
Clockwork Mouse : Might I suggest then... the wearing of ear muffs ?
Big Ears : You sir can go and get stuffed
Clockwork Mouse : Something you should have done with your ears....
Big Ears : I'm off
Miss Prim : Permanently I hope....
Friday, 24 July 2015
BALLAD OF A FADING BRIDGE STAR........( By John Howard Gibson )
Your memory's all gone
Your bidding's all wrong
You lose track of the play
What more can I say
This game's too hard for you now
It's all but gone.... that will to win
Lack of focus is such a big sin
You can't recall cards only just played
Contracts fail which ought to have made
This game's too hard for you now
Your eyes look empty, sad and tired
Gone are the days you used to be hired
Being a has been is never easy to take
So why not give bridge a permanent break
This game's too hard for you now
Once a man of glory , success and fame
Alas , no one today even knows your name
As an ageing player you offer no threat
So just face the truth and admit with regret
This game is too hard for you now
Your memory's all gone
Your bidding's all wrong
You lose track of the play
What more can I say
This game's too hard for you now
It's all but gone.... that will to win
Lack of focus is such a big sin
You can't recall cards only just played
Contracts fail which ought to have made
This game's too hard for you now
Your eyes look empty, sad and tired
Gone are the days you used to be hired
Being a has been is never easy to take
So why not give bridge a permanent break
This game's too hard for you now
Once a man of glory , success and fame
Alas , no one today even knows your name
As an ageing player you offer no threat
So just face the truth and admit with regret
This game is too hard for you now
Thursday, 23 July 2015
DEFINING HAPPINESS ?..................
Happiness means different things to different people. But in the bizarre world of bridge happiness to a results merchant means only one thing , as I was to discover when I interviewed the infamous chairman of the Slaughter House BC, Howard Bigot-Johnson.
- So Bigot .....let me guess....... happiness for you is getting an above average score ?
- No
- Getting a near top ?
- No
- Getting an outright top, perhaps ?
- No
- Getting a galactic top ?
- Sorry , no
- Getting a top against two top class opponents ?
- No
- So please tell me then....what is happiness for you ?
- Well, if you must know......it is getting a top against opponents I can't stand the sight off
...opponents who are renown for being patronising and condescending bastards....tops
against these tossers always provide me with immense , overwhelming pleasure .........
especially when I see their sickening . smug , sneering smiles disappear from their fat ugly
faces !
Happiness means different things to different people. But in the bizarre world of bridge happiness to a results merchant means only one thing , as I was to discover when I interviewed the infamous chairman of the Slaughter House BC, Howard Bigot-Johnson.
- So Bigot .....let me guess....... happiness for you is getting an above average score ?
- No
- Getting a near top ?
- No
- Getting an outright top, perhaps ?
- No
- Getting a galactic top ?
- Sorry , no
- Getting a top against two top class opponents ?
- No
- So please tell me then....what is happiness for you ?
- Well, if you must know......it is getting a top against opponents I can't stand the sight off
...opponents who are renown for being patronising and condescending bastards....tops
against these tossers always provide me with immense , overwhelming pleasure .........
especially when I see their sickening . smug , sneering smiles disappear from their fat ugly
faces !
Tuesday, 26 May 2015
PRESTIGIOUS LITERARY AWARD GOES TO A PREVIOUSLY UNKNOWN BRIDGE BOOK WRITER.....
" What On Earth Are You Doing To That Poor Woman ! " , by Hanz Hoffer , was voted book of the year by fellow authors and literary critics.
This stunning and revealing masterpiece was the product of fifteen years thorough investigation and research into the strange and secretive world of bridge. The main focus of his work was to look at the appalling manner and way men behaved towards women. What Hoffer discovered was a world blighted by sexist attitudes and prejudice , where women were regarded as inferior players , and easy prey for those looking to inflict both psychological and physical pain on others.
The most harrowing chapter in the book describes in detail the most serious assaults carried out against lady members. In one rather disturbing case a male member , in a pique of anger , grabbed the shoulders of a little old lady only to shake her violently, before two concerned onlookers screamed at him to stop. This attack all stemmed from overhearing a remark made in a private conversation about the questionable antics and shenanigans of the committee at a previous AGM.
What is so unnerving about this book is the way it shatters and destroys the myth that bridge clubs are places which promote a friendly and social environment . The author proves beyond all shadow of doubt that bridge brings out the worst in men. Their arrogant , aggressive and bullying behaviour clearly flies in the face of all known protocol , etiquette , good manners , best behaviour rules and , of course , courteous respect and concern for lady members. Readers are forced to accept the irrefutable conclusion that there is a very dark side to the male human condition , one which is extremely vulgar, ugly and unpleasant.
Hanz Hoffer is an exceptional and gifted writer , who has lifted the lid on the world of bridge, revealing it to be as shocking as it is bizarre. This is a place where chauvinistic attitudes still prevail : a gladiatorial arena where women will continue to fall victim to predatory males , driven by their irresistible hunting instinct and testosterone-fuelled aggression.
" What On Earth Are You Doing To That Poor Woman ! " , by Hanz Hoffer , was voted book of the year by fellow authors and literary critics.
This stunning and revealing masterpiece was the product of fifteen years thorough investigation and research into the strange and secretive world of bridge. The main focus of his work was to look at the appalling manner and way men behaved towards women. What Hoffer discovered was a world blighted by sexist attitudes and prejudice , where women were regarded as inferior players , and easy prey for those looking to inflict both psychological and physical pain on others.
The most harrowing chapter in the book describes in detail the most serious assaults carried out against lady members. In one rather disturbing case a male member , in a pique of anger , grabbed the shoulders of a little old lady only to shake her violently, before two concerned onlookers screamed at him to stop. This attack all stemmed from overhearing a remark made in a private conversation about the questionable antics and shenanigans of the committee at a previous AGM.
What is so unnerving about this book is the way it shatters and destroys the myth that bridge clubs are places which promote a friendly and social environment . The author proves beyond all shadow of doubt that bridge brings out the worst in men. Their arrogant , aggressive and bullying behaviour clearly flies in the face of all known protocol , etiquette , good manners , best behaviour rules and , of course , courteous respect and concern for lady members. Readers are forced to accept the irrefutable conclusion that there is a very dark side to the male human condition , one which is extremely vulgar, ugly and unpleasant.
Hanz Hoffer is an exceptional and gifted writer , who has lifted the lid on the world of bridge, revealing it to be as shocking as it is bizarre. This is a place where chauvinistic attitudes still prevail : a gladiatorial arena where women will continue to fall victim to predatory males , driven by their irresistible hunting instinct and testosterone-fuelled aggression.
Monday, 11 May 2015
BRINGING BACK THE NUMBERS TO HELP RESCUE BRIDGE TOURNAMENTS FROM THE ABYSS
In a world of spiralling prices , travel and accommodation costs put a considerable financial burden on players , who have already shelled out on ever-rising, inflation topping entry fees. Although the experience for many can be very rewarding in terms of ranking points , taking on some big names, and making new friends , everyone will no doubt do a personal cost-benefit analysis , hoping to see a value-for-money outcome.
For organisers , selecting posh overly-expensive venues might well suit the rich , the wealthy and the snobs , but for the majority a big room is all that they ask for. May be a school assembly hall located in a quiet inexpensive district. Accommodation thankfully is usually left to the participants to sort out according to their budget. Needless to say, whenever the cost of hiring out an expensive venue is recovered in the price set for the entry fees, then an economic truth comes home to roost : the higher the price the lower the demand.
To stimulate demand certain initiatives need to be considered and acted upon :
1. Venues with large rooms need to be in places with good road/rail links , with plenty of nearby low cost , value-for-money accommodation options. Group bookings need to be encouraged where several clubs could work as one in setting up such an arrangement.
2. Shared travel costs , especially when several participants all come from the same area.
3. Committees using surplus funds to help pay for members' entry fees , perhaps being the prize for winning a recent club competition. Either entry fees are either paid in full or are heavily subsidised.
4. Organisers by looking to save money on less expensive venues , can now afford to offer a more generous range of prizes. A large proportion of the prize fund should always be set aside for the outright winners , but other lower placed competitors could also qualify for prizes based on a handicap system of scoring.
5. If organisers are able to make a surplus on one event , then that surplus should then go directly to subsidise the next one by simply reducing the entry fees accordingly. This should hopefully stimulate demand even more , turning that next event into another surplus generating one. The need here is to establish a virtuous circle and not a vicious one.
6. Even in a bridge tournament , as with any other sport , the need to create a level playing field is of paramount importance. In my view competitors can either enter a field where everyone plays to a standard system , all playing off the same card , or those who revel in unorthodox , obscure , complex bidding systems have the option to play in an anything-goes competition , happy to spend priceless minutes explaining bids to their opponents or have bids explained to them.
In a world of spiralling prices , travel and accommodation costs put a considerable financial burden on players , who have already shelled out on ever-rising, inflation topping entry fees. Although the experience for many can be very rewarding in terms of ranking points , taking on some big names, and making new friends , everyone will no doubt do a personal cost-benefit analysis , hoping to see a value-for-money outcome.
For organisers , selecting posh overly-expensive venues might well suit the rich , the wealthy and the snobs , but for the majority a big room is all that they ask for. May be a school assembly hall located in a quiet inexpensive district. Accommodation thankfully is usually left to the participants to sort out according to their budget. Needless to say, whenever the cost of hiring out an expensive venue is recovered in the price set for the entry fees, then an economic truth comes home to roost : the higher the price the lower the demand.
To stimulate demand certain initiatives need to be considered and acted upon :
1. Venues with large rooms need to be in places with good road/rail links , with plenty of nearby low cost , value-for-money accommodation options. Group bookings need to be encouraged where several clubs could work as one in setting up such an arrangement.
2. Shared travel costs , especially when several participants all come from the same area.
3. Committees using surplus funds to help pay for members' entry fees , perhaps being the prize for winning a recent club competition. Either entry fees are either paid in full or are heavily subsidised.
4. Organisers by looking to save money on less expensive venues , can now afford to offer a more generous range of prizes. A large proportion of the prize fund should always be set aside for the outright winners , but other lower placed competitors could also qualify for prizes based on a handicap system of scoring.
5. If organisers are able to make a surplus on one event , then that surplus should then go directly to subsidise the next one by simply reducing the entry fees accordingly. This should hopefully stimulate demand even more , turning that next event into another surplus generating one. The need here is to establish a virtuous circle and not a vicious one.
6. Even in a bridge tournament , as with any other sport , the need to create a level playing field is of paramount importance. In my view competitors can either enter a field where everyone plays to a standard system , all playing off the same card , or those who revel in unorthodox , obscure , complex bidding systems have the option to play in an anything-goes competition , happy to spend priceless minutes explaining bids to their opponents or have bids explained to them.
Thursday, 7 May 2015
SIX MONTHS LATER....AND YET ANOTHER ALL TOO FAMILIAR CONVERSATION
Chairman : This bloody problem hasn't blown away like you figured
Secretary : I know....the whole thing has become a living nightmare
Chairman : Yes....and club members are now beginning to ask questions
Secretary : I know.....
Chairman : So what we need is a plan of action
Secretary : I know....
Chairman : First off.....we need to transfer blame elsewhere
Secretary : Brilliant idea
Chairman : The committee must be seen as " the victims " not the culprits....or
the instigators of this problem
Secretary : Too right
Chairman : Then we must mount a sustained propaganda campaign , making
sure that any information about this problem is drip-fed to the membership
in a highly sanitised form.......so sanitised in fact it becomes grossly
misleading. This will of course require a magical blend of vivid imagination
and blatant spin doctoring
Secretary : I'll get onto straight away...I have a friend who just been released from prison
having been found guilty of several ponzi investment scams.....he can
con anybody
Chairman : Excellent he sounds like the perfect PR man we're looking for....
Secretary : Any other tactics we can adopt ?
Chairman : Yes there is.....we need to constantly swap and change roles on the committee.
Things could go pear shape with no one believing that we were the victims. So by
switching and swapping around the committee posts between ourselves we have
the perfect " get out " clause. Because when blame finally comes knocking at the
committee's door , we as THE NEW COMMITTEE can deny all responsibility ,
claiming that it was the old one which completely fucked up
Secretary : Chairman...I've got to hand it too you....you seem to have all the bases covered
Chairman : I know...
Chairman : This bloody problem hasn't blown away like you figured
Secretary : I know....the whole thing has become a living nightmare
Chairman : Yes....and club members are now beginning to ask questions
Secretary : I know.....
Chairman : So what we need is a plan of action
Secretary : I know....
Chairman : First off.....we need to transfer blame elsewhere
Secretary : Brilliant idea
Chairman : The committee must be seen as " the victims " not the culprits....or
the instigators of this problem
Secretary : Too right
Chairman : Then we must mount a sustained propaganda campaign , making
sure that any information about this problem is drip-fed to the membership
in a highly sanitised form.......so sanitised in fact it becomes grossly
misleading. This will of course require a magical blend of vivid imagination
and blatant spin doctoring
Secretary : I'll get onto straight away...I have a friend who just been released from prison
having been found guilty of several ponzi investment scams.....he can
con anybody
Chairman : Excellent he sounds like the perfect PR man we're looking for....
Secretary : Any other tactics we can adopt ?
Chairman : Yes there is.....we need to constantly swap and change roles on the committee.
Things could go pear shape with no one believing that we were the victims. So by
switching and swapping around the committee posts between ourselves we have
the perfect " get out " clause. Because when blame finally comes knocking at the
committee's door , we as THE NEW COMMITTEE can deny all responsibility ,
claiming that it was the old one which completely fucked up
Secretary : Chairman...I've got to hand it too you....you seem to have all the bases covered
Chairman : I know...
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