Friday, 30 March 2018


Low level car park. Heavy thunderstorms. Exit impassable. Cars stuck. Overstay PCNs issued in the hundreds. Bigot adamant he wasn't going to pay.  Yet another day in court.

Counsel for the plaintiff : Your Honour...this man....Excel's nemisis.....overstayed his 2 hour parking ticket by 27 hours and 14 minutes. His provocative behaviour and blatant defiance justifies the parking charge the company imposed upon him. Motorists like him cannot be allowed to flaunt the rules and repeatedly breach parking terms and conditions.
B-J : Allow me to point out I had returned to my car........well within the 2 hours ......only to find the car park flooded......and the exit area under 4 foot of water
CP : Come on.....get real......they was a heavy thunderstorm that day.....a few inches of water......nothing that a car couldn't overcome. You and hundreds of other drivers decided against returning to your cars because you didn't want to get your shoes wet. I have photographic evidence here .....your Honour.....that shows the depth of water in the car park barely reaching the wheel trims
B-J : It was a deluge.....the situation was getting worse by the minute....
CP :  The ticket clearly stated you  were to exit the car park by 3.13pm.....which you didn't
B-J : But the site has ceased to be car was a bloody big pond.......the terms and conditions don't apply to a pond
CP :  Don't be was still a car park albeit one under a few inches of water
B-J : But the photo shows ducks happpily swimming ........indeed the flooding was a direct result of the nearby river overflowing its banks......why I even saw one motorist sitting on top of his car catching fish with his nearly purchased rod......the whole place was awash with pond life......the site had become .....on that fateful day......part of the river
Judge : I've heard enough.....this subsequent and unforeseen event had clearly made it impossible for Bigot.....and hundreds of others to fulfil their contractual obligations. In other words the contracts were frustrated by the physical impossibility of getting to and driving their cars way. Case dismissed.....and what's more....... drivers who had ben bullied into paying these £100 parking charges  must be immediately reimbursed 
CP : My client is going to ape-shit when I inform him of this ruling
B-J : That's music to my ears.........
Judge : And mine too...

Wednesday, 28 March 2018


Decent honest private car parking companies operate a sensible, fair and just system to the benefit of all motorists. There is an entry barrier by which a ticket is acquired to gain access. No need of any requirement to enter vehicle plate registration details.  There is no looking around for an available parking bay because when the car park is full the entry barrier cannot be activated.
Moreover , the motorist does not have to predict what number of hours he needs to purchase. Predictions are real profit generators for the company : either they are over generous which inevitable leads to overpayment , or they are under-estimates leading to overstays and nasty savage PCNs. Motorists are therefore on a hiding to nothing. 
In respectable car parks , the motorist only has to pay for the actual time of his/her stay , by entering his ticket on his/her return into a machine which then calculates the tariff, takes the money and validates the ticket to activate the exit barrier. Beautiful , fair and involving no loss to both parties.
Why this barrier system is not adopted by the parking pirates is obvious. The potential loss of revenue from saving the motorist from over-payments, overstays and miskeying in car registration details is huge. This customer-focussed system does not generate sufficient profits. Motorists are error prone and this human condition needs to be exploited , Forcing them into into making bad or wild predictions , and careless mistakes when keying in car registratiuon details ,  is a what their evil business model is all about.
Ticket systems need to be simple and fair , having the customers' interests in mind.  They should not be designed to exploit the motorist out of their unsatiable greed for profit. Rogue parking firms are nothing more than vindictive , ruthless, money-grabbing bastards , which I hope and pray will be brought to task when new parking law legislation comes into force.
In the meantime , my advice is to overpay rather than overstay. Take great care when keying in those seven characters. Challenge each and every PCN where injustice can be established, and if feel you were in the wrong..... only pay a reasonable sum , which clearly equates to the actual loss the company could legitimately claim. 

Tuesday, 27 March 2018

                 PARKING NOTICE

 A modern progressive private parking company have 
 taken up the option of £30,000 per annum rent on a 25 
 year lease to convert and use this scrubby piece of land
 into a 100 bay parking lot. And boy do we at Nightmare Parking Services intend to get our money back PLUS MORE.

 A parking tariff of just £1 an hour will earn us in a 
 typical 10 hour day ( 50% occupancy) around £500 ,
 and over the year well in excess of £180,000. Happy 
 days indeed.

 But the best bit is with minimum outlay and overheads 
 we can install 
  •   big brother camera surveillance
  •   difficult to use ticket machines  
to boost our earnings considerably , from simply issuing our customers with nasty PCNs. These bogus fines are expected to represent a mouth-watering 75% of our total revenue. Unbelievable isn't ? And it's all down to you motorists being error-prone , dumb and stupid.  

Looking forward to emptying your wallets

Monday, 26 March 2018


Bigot has just bought himself a new very expensive top-of-the-range car.  This was his pride and joy. However he had to spend well over £4000 on an urgent respray , following an earlier visit to the site , when the car had got badly scratched. This time he was determined not to suffer the same fate. The solution was simple : take up 4 parking spaces. Not surprising surveillance photos captured this alleged violation and so came the inevitable PCN. 

Counsel for the plaintiff  (CP) : Your honour.....I have photographic evidence here of this outrageous bit of parking. Four bays this selfish man used up.....severely limiting the opportunities for other motorists to park up. Behaviour like this needs to be client has every right to issue Bigot with this £100 PCN .....and justice demands that the money should be paid
B-J : Hold on here......just look at the photo .....the bays are no narrow it is impossible when the car park is full to open any door without banging it into the vehicle next to yours . 
CP : Look at the size of this man your Honour.......he's far too fat to slide in and out of a parked car. These bays are wide enough to cater for people of normal height and weight
B-J : Well , I have a right to protect my car from criminal and/or accidental damage. The bays are deliberately designed to be small for obvious reasons. Firstly , more bays equal more revenue potential. Narrow bays enable vast sums of money to be made by issuing PCNs for double parking..... a violation which is not always the fault of the driver.
CP : But you used up four bays 
B-J : That's because the bays aren't long enough either. OK for Minis perhaps but not for cars like mine
CP : I'm sorry..... but these excuses wont used up 4 bays.... but only purchased one ticket
B-J:  Ah.... but I paid for all four bays
CP : No you didn't ...... one ticket entiles you to use one bay only 
B-J :  Sorry to correct you here......I believe your AVRC records show I stayed for one hour 
CP :  Yes....that's correct
B-J:  Well , I had a choice .......either I bought 4 one-hour tickets .....or just one 4-hour ticket.
Expediency suggested the either way I used up just 4 hours of bay time ....and  please note...... I paid for that time in full
Judge : How clever of you Bigot......your logic and your maths cannot be questioned.....and as a classic car driver myself I fully recognise and understand your concern over your pride and joy. Judgement it seems must go in favour of the defendant. Case dismissed......
CP : can that be right ?
Judge : Your client was not out of pocket. No loss had been incurred by Bigot's inventive solution to his problem. So why not tell Nightmare Parking Services to provide bigger and safer bays to cater for all motorists .............especially those who have bought shiny new expensive cars......... making sure that cases like this will never crop up again


  • Overpaid by virtue of paying for more hours than they actually needed
  • Overpaid by not having the exact coinage when purchasing a ticket
  • An appalling sense of time having overstayed by just a few minutes
  • An inability to read and/or understand the terms and conditions listed on our notice boards
  •  An inability to key in the correct registration plate details at our ticket machines
  • No backbone or guts whatsoever to challenge PCNs no matter how unjust these demands for money are 
  • Continued to keep revisiting our site knowing full well the risks involved

                                HOPING TO ALL YOU AGAIN VERY SOON


Saturday, 24 March 2018


One important hospital visit . A most unusual parking violation. An unforgiving PCN. But another resounding court success for Bigot.

Counsel for the plaintiff (CP) : co-driver and owner of the vehicle BRN 65 ZTX you violated the parking terms and conditions by blatantly obstructing access to an available the detriment of other motorists seeking to find one. Indeed , we have an aerial photograph of you sprawled out in an unoccupied parking bay. This was taken by one of the many on-site drones........such is the extent and capability of big-brother technology now used in modern day car parking sites 
B-J : I was saving the bay so my daughter ,,,,, who took over the driver's seat...... could at last park up. We entered the hospital car park at 10 am and had been driving around in vain looking to snatch an available space ...,,,but others kept jumping in before us. My wife was in great pain and was in need of urgent and immediate medical attention
CP : client has heard all this clap trap many times before. These sob stories don't cut any ice with Smart Arse Parking Solutions you know 
B-J : Had we not got her to A&E as we did....... she might well have died.......a burst appendix is both serious and life-threatening
CP :'s my client's contention that....if other motorists play by the rules and are able to meet our terms and conditions without difficulty , then why should you be exempt from this transgression
B-J : A life was at stake..... goddamnit
CP : Yes....that may well have been the case.....but our business model relies on targeting types like you who fail to adhere to my client's complex rules and procedures at his facilities
B-J : Your Honour......this company operates an extortion racket the scale of which is growing at an alarming weight. Their current business model  which involves expanding into hospital sites has become an invidious attack on thousands of hospital patients and employees. Not only that .....these car park pirates then intimidate motorists with debt collection firms , who threaten usurious fees in pursuit of highly questionable parking fines.....all backed up with additional threats of court hearings and expensive legal costs. 
CP : LIsten Bigot....there is nothing wrong with my client acting as judge, jury and executioner. It's all stated quite clearly in their parking terms and conditions
Judge : Hold on.....I'm the judge here......and as a believer in natural justice , I believe your client's iniquitous business model is one that offers no justice whatsoever to the motorists that use their site facilities. It is repulsive and repugnant. It stinks infact....and It is on those grounds that I find for the defendant.  The claim is manifestly unreasonable and therefore unenforceable
CP : But what about the Supreme Court ruling in the Beavis case ?
Judge : That case has no relevance to this one , which can easily be distinguished on the facts. Cases like this will always be judged on its merits......and it is the defendant which merits the court's protection from Smart Arse's litany of dirty practices. Case dismissed.

Friday, 23 March 2018


  • The business of issuing PCNs is a monstrous bluff , which requires us to hold our nerve when motorists have the cheek and audacity to challenge them. Being committed and determined to take every case to court helps maintain the impact and effectiveness of the bluff 
  • Chasing up PCNs requires dedicated and devoted staff committed to hitting non-paying motorists with a barrage of intimidationg and threatening letters
  • Transferring PCN debt to an associate debt recovery firm to ratch up the amount of the claim is a highly effective way of persuading many more motorists to throw in the towel
  • Letters from our agents need to maximise the fear factor by including terror-invoking words such as " bailiffs " , " CCJs ",  " loss of credit rating " ,  and  "  substantial legal costs "
  • The business model requires us to play the percentage game in keeping with Pareto's 80:20 rule. This states that 4 out of 5 motorists will pay up immediately , usually out of apathy, ignorance , self-blame and fear 
  • Even motorists who initially resist , 4 out of every 5 will capitulate well before the case goes to court . Of those who are left 4 out of every 5 will lose in court  because  (a) they are unable to prepare a decent defence , and (b) they lack the funds to afford a legally qualified lawyer to represent them  
  • In rare and exceptional circumstances it may be prudent and wise to cancel a PCN or to reduce the charge to £10-20 as a goodwill gesture, in order to avert negative , adverse publicity , and to avoid an inevitable drubbing in court
  • The business needs to stay in line , and toe the line,  with all the others operating in this highly lucrative market. The industry needs to operate as an all powerful oligopoly ensuring the total absence of competition 
  • Out of spite the company will adopt a policy of a shelving an unresolved PCN claim for up to 4-5 years only to spring a court summons on the motorist as a nasty unwelcome surprise , taking full advantage of the six year time limit alowed for civil claims
  • an appropriate percentage of the company's huge profits must sensibly be put aside to finance top-notch barristers to fight high profile cases in the higher courts : the risk involved in losing such cases has to be minimised no matter what the cost  
  • A strong ongoing PR campaign is essential if the company wants to deflect the public's anger and outrage over the dirty practices which may well come to their attention: donations to hospitals and well known charities need to well publicised in the press to gain widespread approval   

Thursday, 22 March 2018


Private parking companies operate in a moral vacuum. This is evidenced by their highly unethical business model , the key elements of which are listed below :

  • Our true mission statement needs to be kept under wraps. No one must know that it contains two primary objectives :  namely " customer exploitation " and " legitimate fraud " 
  • A PCN must be perceived by gullible motorists as a statutory " fine " : motorists must be kept ignorant of the fact that a PCN is nothing more than a speculative invoice or a claim for liquidated damages  
  • PCNs must have no bearing whatsoever with being genuine pre-estimates of loss : their one clear aim is to return an 80% profit from receipts in keeping with Pareto's recommended ratio
  • Sites must be set up like " honey traps " , inviting motorists in at their peril 
  • The irresistible lure of much sought after parking spaces creates a captive market . one to be fully and ruthlessly exploited
  • Motorists must never be viewed as " customers " : they are simply a means by which the company can make easy money 
  • It matters not that the pretext on which a PCN will be issued is trifling or absurd : what matters most is that the pretext is inventive or imaginative
  • The greater the number of contractual obligations imposed on the motorist the greater the likelihood of catching them out
  • All contractual terms and conditions imposed on the motorists must of course be strictly adhered to by them : no exceptions or excuses permitted
  • All manner of obstacles must be put in the way of motorists at every turn , if only to ensure a contractual breach becomes a regular and repeated occurance. These obstacles might well include :
                                 1. lack or absence of signage
                                 2. use of misleading and/or ambiguous words
                                 3. unreadable small print
                                 4. ticket machines that don't work properly
                                 5. restricted width of parking bays
                                 6. unclear parking bay boundaries

  • Overstays represent the best source of PCN revenue to the business , since motorists find it impossible to predict their intended length of stay. Therefore payment for tickets on leaving the site with ticket-operated exit barriers are a complete no-no