Friday, 15 June 2018


Another day. Another wretched money grabbing private parking company. Another PCN.
And another day in court for the intrepid Bigot-Johnson who was prepared yet again to humiliate these corporate arseholes for all the world to laugh at and smile.

Counsel for the plaintiff: Your is an undisputed fact that Bigot parked his 2 seater car without paying for a ticket. This type of criminal behaviour needs to be stamped out immediately using the full force of the law to do so. How else can my client earnan honest living.....a crust to feed his family? There was a total failure of consideration which in my mind justifies the imposition of a £100 fine. How else can this mischief be stopped ? If my client loses this case..... all bloody motorists will be at it in their tiny little cars.... 
Judge : Is this true Bigot......... that you deliberately chose not to pay ?
B-J : Yes.......but why should I ? see my wife and I have identical cars and on that particular day I followed her into the car park where it became apparent we could both park our vehicles within the same bay. So my wife purchased a 3 hour ticket for a single bay, which easily accommodated both our cars.
CP : Hold on.......that can't be right ?
B-J : Well......nothing on the signage says that this space saving manouevre wasn't an option. A bay was paid for in full.... so therefore the company can't complain of any loss of income.
CP : has to be one ticket per car...
B-J : I'm afraid that is not the's one ticket per bay......and until you change your signage we shall continue to double up so to speak
Judge : Yes.....small is beautiful without a doubt  and  I must say how much I admire your cheek and creative thinking. Case dismissed.

Saturday, 9 June 2018


Bigot was livid when Excel had decided to narrow the bays in order to squeeze in more parking spaces. By doing so the company was encouraging motorists to park outside the lines or risk being unable to open the car doors fully.  But Bigot had other ideas. Once parked up ,  he enlisted the help of other sympathetic motorists to heave the car over onto its side This way the car was well inside the designated parking area, but Excel were having none of it. They issued Bigot with a PCN for parking a vehicle in an illegal fashion,  not in accordance with its rules. As expected the dispute went to court. 

Counsel for the plaintiff :  Your Honour......
as you can see from the photographic
evidence......Bigot had parked his car in
an improper fashion , contrary to the terms
and conditions ....all of which were clearly displayed on the company's giant noticeboard sited right beside the ticket machine. The man is a nuisance and a 
bloody menace.....
B-J : I strongly object to the use of the word "bloody"'s an unwarranted expletive ...a term which should not be used in a court of law
Judge : I agree.......but you're happy with the two labels " nuisance " and " menace "
B-J :  Yes indeed....the fact that the company sees me in this way is truly wonderful......but nowhere in the signage does it say that vehicles have to be parked up on four wheels. The use of the "word " improper implies many things but not when a car is parked in such a way as to give motorists , who might park in either of the adjoining bays, the maximum space possible to enable all 4 doors to open they can exit and re-enter their cars in an easy and comfortable way.
Judge : I admire your altruistic attitude and the sacrifice you have gone to to provide a more pleasurable parking experience for the users of this site. I myself drive a Hummer .....which I might add is a bummer of a vehicle to park ........even in sites which provide generous spaces. Deliberately narrowing the bays smacks of selfishness and vindictive greed. Case dismissed.......claimant to pay all costs
CP : I protest.....Execl's boss is going to have my guts for garters
Judge : Oh dear..........but that's life when you choose to represent and work for intolerant , unsympathetic and nasty organisations like private oparking companies.  Good day to you sir. And about meeting up with me  ( and Sir Greg Knight ) for a pub lunch and pint at the usual watering hole ? It's my turn to pay.
B-J : Yes.....looking forward to it.......see you both soon



Monday, 4 June 2018


- Hi's things ? Still making shit loads of money ?
- Oh yes........motorists in general are like lambs to the slaughter. The great majority 
  fall victims to all our well conceived scams.......paying the fines without a whimper
- The numpties 
-  Yeah   but  we still get the few stubborn ones who refuse to roll over ......quite prepared to
   fight us all the way
- Then nerve of these people........depriving us of " fines " which help pay for the bread on
   our table......along with the luxury yachts for us to enjoy extended mediterranean holidays 
- Too our only course of action is to take these buggers to court come what
   may.....just to make them quirm and suffer throughout the long protracted process
-  Absolutely.....but doesn't it piss you off that these unwavering sods often win their
   cases in court ?  It makes me wonder why we bother with these arseholes ?
-  Off course we bother. I don't give a damn about these unfortunate outcomes. The fact of
   the matter is that county court judgements are not binding and never will be. So we 
   can keep hammering away until we find a judge who hates motorists more than us. What 
   really matters is that we must never give up on harassing , intimidating and threatening 
   these toe-rags,    What is a few thousand down the pan in relation to the hundreds 
   of thousands we rake in from the compliant majority. This great and monstrous bluff must 
   be kept in place....... and taking non-payers to court does just that. Motorists  need to all times.... that we will never give up on demanding our pound of flesh 
-  I agree..... we cannot afford to throw our hand in.....and expose the bluff. God forbid such
   an insane act. We have the financial clout to hire the best lawyers and take cases to any
   appeal court and beyond. Look what happened to Beavis.....when good lawyers were on
   the case 
-  Yeah......Parking Eye shafted him good and proper ......charging him £85 for over-staying
    in a car park which offered its customers  2-3 hours of free parking......bloody amazing
-  Yes.....what a racket we're in.....especially when one considers that most motorists 
    understay.....which more than compensates for the isolated incidence of an over-stay.  No
    negative impact there as regards the so-called traffic space maximisation objective
-   Well got to go now.......thousands more PCNs to send out these I need to
    recruit more staff today
-   Bye now.....I'm off shopping for another top-of-the range Merc to add to my collection
-   Good luck with that SImon....bye


Thursday, 31 May 2018


Mrs Cammelleri's discovered to her horror that her car had been impounded for overtime parking. So would a tiny grammatical oversight be enough to save her from paying the fine ?
The offence she was alleged to have committed was a breach of a West Jefferson village parking ordinance , which stated it was illegal to park " any motor vehicle camper, trailer , farm implement and/or non-motorised vehicle " on a street for more than 24 hours. 
All bases covered ?. Well may be not.
Her defence was that her car wasn't a " motor vehicle camper ". Infact it appears that motor vehicles were not included in the list and therefore by deduction were exempt from the one day restriction.The municipal office were quick to point out that the grammatical error was inadvertant , and that it was obvious to everyone what the list set out to include. 
At the bench trial the case went against her.  The judge declared that " anyone reading the ordinance would recognise the fact that a comma was clearly missing , and that  motor vehicles were therefore included in the list......along with campers "   
But undeterred she appealed to the Twelfth Appellate District of Ohio.  Here, the three higher ranked judges held that there was ambiguity in the ordinance as it was written. Consequently , the claim for the $120 fine was dismissed. According to grammer rules , items in a series must be separated by commas. The judges concluded that reading "motor vehicle camper "  as one item did not produce an absurd result. If the village desired a different reading ( one to distiguish motor vehicles from campers ) then a comma should have been inserted.
Indeed in English law a car parking company can also be hoisted on the horns of its own petard through bad or inadequate wording on its signage. Ambiguity may well invoke the contra proferentem rule , which will often come to the aid of the weaker put-upon party.

Monday, 21 May 2018


Private parking companies could do no worse than change the existing albeit dreaded PCNs into something motorists would welcome and accept : new and exciting PCN scratchcards.
These would state what the parking violation was, along with the parking charge to be paid. However,  now there would be on offer three alternative options , one of which lies under the grey coated area to be scratched off...... should the motorists be prepared to gamble.  

Option 1.   Pay double   50 % chance

Option 2    Paying nothing   40 % chance

Option 3    We pay you the parking charge  10 % chance

The PCN scratchcard has to be returned to the company within 14 days or  face a much stiffer parking charge and court proceedings. If an unscratched PCN card is returned by letter ,  inside must be the payment for the original fine. If the scratched PCN card has revealed the pay double fine , a much more welcome cheque of course needs to accompany it.  Any motorist who sends in a winning PCN must remember to provide details of his/her bank account so that the payment can be made straightaway. Happy days indeed.

All this will bring fun and excitement to motorists who previously viewed PCNs with hatred, anger and contempt. The adrenalin will start flowing the moment the scratching takes place. The prospect of getting off scott free or perhaps even winning will be tantalisingly irresistible. The reality of having those expectations met will bring unbridled joy into a situation so often associated with doom and gloom .
This innovative concept could make the proposed new parking bill an irrelevancy with motorists for the first time ever more than happy to pick up PCNs.

Saturday, 19 May 2018


It beggars belief that some companies like Parking Eye and Excel go out of their way to treat their customers like shit. Their business model is based on obtaining money by fraud , seizing upon the slightest transgressions with pernicious bullying tactics , relying on victim's apathy or lack of funding to fight back. They never listen to reason or legitimate excuses . Their unforgiving and aggressive attitude towards motorists is breathtaking in its zealous and  ruthless pursuit of lucrative profits.
Whereas most businesses promote customer care as one of its core mission statement objectives, private parking companies choose to have a hidden agenda to " screw the bastards " anyway they can.  Whatever happened to showing customers a little bit of sympathy and respect ?
These modern day highway robbers go out of their way to make life  difficult , awkward and miserable for the motorists. Everything they do smacks of deliberate entrapment to lead their customers make mistakes .......and then hit them with the threats , intimidation and harassment to pay these deviously engineered albeit bogus fines. 
They are completely unhelpful in the extreme. Requests for information and/or explanations
are treated with contempt. Do they provide sticky-back tickets which adhere to the dashboard ? No. Do they choose to have a set up where payment for tickets is on exit ( not entry ) ? No. Do they allow overstayers to pay the extra on return to the car park ? Like hell they do. These are firms which have mind sets like a cruel sadistic tyrants.  
Name me one other company that " fines" its customers. Yes , customers may be asked to leave or be blacklisted. They will often be given warnings first about unacceptable behaviour. Many might well be chased for non-payment of goods and services , but in the main customers are valued because building up a strong customer base is essential if businesses are to survive in a world of highly competitive markets .
So why do private parking companies treat their customers with such contempt ? Well in many cases they have a captive market with parking spaces being at a premium. Demand will often outrun supply, and therefore if car parks are busy then it seems there is no need whatsoever to  envourage repeat custom. In other cases what does it matter if a car park is only half full. Clobbering just one unsuspecting motorist earns the same revenue as 50 paying ones. This racket has  almost become a licence to print money. Customers are like sitting in a barrel......there to be shot at time and time again.
The welcome sign ....such irony....always prominently displayed outside the car park modelled on the " welcome to my den said the spider to the fly " scenario , or on Hannibal Lector's invitation  " let me make you dinner tonight ". Motorists are never viewed as customers but victims on which to feast.. 


Another brazen attempt by a morally bankrupt private parking company to nail Bigot for ignoring his most recent PCN . This was issued on the basis that he failed to park within the designated lines of the bay. 

Image result for car parking lot images

Counsel for the plaintiff (CP) : As you can see your honour from this aerial photograph Bigot's car tyre was touching the white line .....contrary to the terms and conditions he agreed to abide by....... when he entered the contract of his own free choice
B-J : Which were ....?
CP : To park the car  "within " the the lines...........which in simple language means inside  
the lines 
B-J : And the purpose behind this term ?
CP : Well , this offence amounts to using up two bays......which in simple language means double parking.......a mischief which can cost the company a great deal of money in lost revenue
B-J : Yes......this could be the case if the car park is exceptionally busy with waiting motorists desperately looking out for available spaces.....but your photo clearly demonstrates that the parking lot was empty.......hence no mischief done
CP : But it is still a breach of Excel's conditions
B-J :  And the damage to revenue is what ?
CP : can't say exactly
Judge : Well seems to me that your relentless pursuit to shaft Bigot in court is nothing more than indulging in pernicious bullying tactics......and yes there has a breach but only on a petty technicality , which suggests nominal damages of £1.....with all costs of course to be met by the claimant. Case dismissed.
B-J : Don't you think £1 is a bit steep ?
Judge : Yes....on reflection I do.....change that to one penny
B-J : Your honour I am eternally grateful
Judge : And so you should cheeky little scallywag

Friday, 18 May 2018


- How are things ?
- Couldn't be's amazing how so many motorists pay up without a whimper
- I know....I know.......why the other day we nailed a confused old man who drove into our
  car  park by mistake .......fannied around looking for an exit ......before eventually finding 
  one and leaving. Needless to say we banged him a ticket and the silly old fool paid up
  having never actually parked his car
- Well......beat this .....we issued a PCN to a guy who bought a ticket and displayed it  
  on the dashboard as instructed.......trouble was the hot sun caused the ticket to curl up so
  much so..... our rottweiler attendant... with an IQ well below 60..... couldn't read it. The 
  awkward bugger put in an appeal but our inside man at POPLA told him the fine still had 
  to be paid.....and hey presto a cheque for £100 was duly paid 
- The sucker
- The sap
- Yes we could go on for ages with these wonderful stories of how motorists get taken  
   for a ride........but I am worried about this new Parking Bill that could become law within 
   the year
- Don't worry .....parliament will still give us enough leeway to carry on screwing motorists
   left, right and centre. With parking spaces at a premium we can always resort to doubling
   the hourly charges....and let's face it by making motorists pay on entry based on their  
  wildly optimistic predictions of what time they might need.....there will be vast numbers of 
  overstayers who we can legitimately clobber. Moreover if we increase the number of  
  reserved and disabled bays many wlll choose to chance it believing the car parks to be's like shhooting fish in a barrel
-  So good of you to reassure me
-  It's a pleasure
-  Going any way nice this year ?
-  Oh yes......just bought a million pound yacht to cruise around the mediterrean
-  Well .....have a good time....bye
-  Bye