Friday, 31 January 2014

BIGOT-JOHNSON MAKES ANOTHER HEARTFELT CONFESSION.........( A nearly true story by Bridgemeister Gibson )

Feeling somewhat distraught , a conscience-stricken Bigot-Johnson went off to see Dr.John in order to off-load his guilt feelings , and seek perhaps some form of forgiveness.
" Doctor....I have been a bad boy......for I have sinned ".

" What is it you feel so bad about ? " , asked Dr.John
" Well, just recently I have won several club competitions in a row , but I have cheated my way to success in every one of them ".
" Oh I see.....but may I offer you some advice " said a shocked but rather concerned doctor , "...and that is.....for you go home and suck the juice from seven lemons "
" that it....will that cleanse me of all my sins ?  " queried Bigot , completely taken back by this alternative form of therapy.
" No....... I'm afraid not .......but it'll sure wipe that smug grin off your face ! "

Wednesday, 29 January 2014


Survey result after survey result kept producing answers of 2%. This almost magical number appeared on every key statistic following  a detailed analysis of the data. The following results demonstrate these amazing coincidences , which all seem to suggest that whoever named this club had a real vision of what these surveys results were going to produce.

1. 2% represented the undesirable element within the membership , which the other 98% were desperate to see turfed out
2. The club's top players represented just 2% of the total membership who as a close-knit elite always elected to pair up, or team up,  with each other in all club competitions
3. Only 2% of all the players had warm kind words to describe their partners 
4. Close scrutiny of players at the table revealed 2% as the only ones who didn't resort to soft cheating , coffee-housing or other unethical tactics to improve their chances of getting a good board
5. Every year to date membership numbers dropped by 2%
6. 2% represents the small group of members who are prepared to put something back into the club, by means of donations , fund raising activities , unpaid work behind the scenes and carrying out committee member responsibilities
7. Just 2% of the silverware went to pairs /teams which were made up of unrated players, who managed to defy the odds even in some non-handicapped competitions 
8.  Only 2% of the players surveyed admitted to ever reading the club's constitution and regulations , committee minutes and the orange book 
9.  Of those who knew the orange book rules , only 2% steadfastly refused to use their knowledge to seek favourable TD rulings against those guilty of harmless,  innocent , and unintentional mistakes 
10. The proportion of players who took the time and effort to read their opponents' system cards was a very disappointing 2% , choosing instead to ask time-wasting questions on each and every board regarding conventional bids used against them        

Monday, 27 January 2014

HOW NOT TO CONDUCT A DISCIPLINARY HEARING......  ( Article by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

Members who believe that they have been wrongfully suspended by their clubs, usually have a
strong case if the initial disciplinary hearing was flawed in any way.
In a most sensational American case the court went out of its way to highlight the factors which would seriously undermine any claim , by a social or sporting club , that the hearing was carried out properly , with due process , impartiality and fairness. The following observations made by the learned judge simply outlined  the essential " DO NOT " rules when it comes to conducting disciplinary hearings. 

1. DO NOT impose an automatic or mandatory suspension based on an unsubstantiated charge as it might well be considered arbitrary and a violation of basic due process rights

2. DO NOT allow a hearing to become nothing more than a pro forma recital of the accusation 

3. DO NOT allow the permitted use of discretion to be applied in an unreasonable way

4. DO NOT undertake a hearing where the exercise of responsible discretion is just a sham, being wholly illusory in its application

5. DO NOT ignore the fact that the accused member has rights just as valid as those conferred upon the committee to act in the best interests of the club

6. DO NOT ignore the fact that the accuse should be presumed innocent of the alleged charge , except upon proper proof of guilt

7. DO NOT ignore the fact that the accused member has a right to a prompt and fair hearing , and a right not to be dealt with in a hasty and arbitrary way

8. DO NOT allow the hearing to be corrupted by bias, lack of due process , or lack of fundamental fairness , for all these factors add up to a violation of justice

9. DO NOT under any circumstances conduct a hearing , unless the person charged is accorded a meaningful opportunity to respond to the charge and to rebut them , before any decision is taken

10. DO NOT allow a hearing to be a mere formality in that nothing presented there at , either by the accused or someone  acting on his behalf , would alter the predetermined result. 

11. DO NOT present a hearing which at best only protrays a shadowy semblance of fair play.

12. DO NOT schedule a hearing unless the accused has received proper notice for the hearing. This must list all the charges he/she is likely to face , who his accusers are , the likely consequences should guilt be established , along with notice of how to access all relevant documents regarding the incriminating evidence , which need to be looked at in advance of the hearing

13. DO NOT deny the accused the opportunity to establish his/her credibility

14. DO NOT believe that a full adversarial hearing is required , but similarly do not conduct one on the lines of a kangaroo court

15. DO NOT exhibit documents that have no bearing on the alleged charge , or only those which infer guilt or wrongdoing. This is to avoid too much weight being attached to evidence supporting the charge. Fairness requires equal consideration to be given to evidence that negates the indictment

16. DO NOT by means of clever masquerades  conduct a hearing with vestments of fairness , when in reality the opposite is true

17. DO NOT choose to take on the burden of explanation , exculpation and mitigation because this responsibility should be properly placed on the member charged , so that an authentic opportunity to refute the charge(s) is given

18. DO NOT conduct a hearing where the result appears to be pre-ordained once the accusation is made

19. DO NOT attempt to scurry around afterwards in an attempt to cover up actual failings and shortcomings within the hearing itself   

20. DO NOT be seen to act in a way reminiscent of the old western movies , where the tough sheriff said " we have to get the trial over with first , and then we'll hang him "

So not surprisingly then that in this particular case the court concluded that the determination by the club suspending the members was arbitrary and capricious , and imposed without a meaningful hearing and in the absence of substantial evidence with respect to the alleged charge. As for the charge.....well that was shooting valuable horses , allegedly with the intent to perpetrate an insurance scam.


  • Whenever women play bridge they must do twice as well as men to be considered half as good. Judging by most of the men I've partnered this is not too difficult.
  • The main difference between male and female bridge players is that men bid like lunatics while women upon making the same bids are labelled as idiots 
  • The most important thing in any mixed partnership is that one of them needs to be good at taking orders 
  • One can , to a laughable degree , infer what a man thinks of his lady partner by his opinions of women players in general

Friday, 24 January 2014

WHAT DOES THIS STORY TELL US ABOUT LIFE ?                                                                                                                   

George and Lenny decide to cross North America in a hot air balloon. However, neither were particularly experienced balloonists, and Lenny's mind quickly drifted from navigation to thoughts of how clouds look like cuddly little bunny rabbits. Upon realising that they were lost, George declared, "Lenny -- we are going to have to lose some altitude so we can figure out where we are."

George lets some hot air out of the balloon, which slowly descended below the clouds, but he still couldn't tell where they were. Far below, they could see a man on the ground. George lowered the balloon, to ask the man their location.

When they were low enough, George called down to the man, "Hey, can you tell us where we are?" The man on the ground yelled back, "You're in a balloon, about 100 feet up in the air."

George Called down to the man, "You must be a lawyer." "Gee, George," Lenny replied, "How can you tell?" George answered, "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and is completely useless".

The man called back up to the balloon, "You must be a client." George yelled back, "Why do you say that?" "Well," the man replied, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You got into your predicament through a lack of planning, and could have avoided it by asking for help and advice before you acted. You expect me to provide an instant remedy. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, and now that I'm unable to get you out of this predicament you have the gall to turn on me."

ANSWER : Firstly , as pompous know-it-all amateurs, we often take decisions which hindsight then exposes as being both  "naive and disastrous ".  Secondly , we seek advice about locking the stable door only after the horse has bolted. Finally, with regards to lawyers , they are more likely to exacerbate the problem then remedy it.

" Well that is......... in a nutshell  ........the theory on how to play winning bridge , as 
   any fool can easily see " 

  • How To Recognise Players Who Love To Peek.....................B. D. Hise
  • So Your Partner's Walked Out On You ?...............................May I. Steppin
  • What Did You Do When Partner Thumped The TD ?.............Aiden A. Bett
  • Our Chairman Get's Upset Over The Smallest Issue..............B. N. A. Bonnett
  • Why Not Call The TD over , You Can't Lose.........................Stan T. Gayne
  • The Club's Cost Cutting Exercise Has Gone Too Far............Penny Pinchin
  •  I'll Tell You What Happening At Our Bridge Club....................Kay Hoss-Raines
  • Someone Has To Be Made The Scapegoat...........................Bert Y. Mee
  • There's Only One Outcome Of Going To Court.......................Yul B. Broke
  • Thank You So Much For Partnering Me...............................Sabina D. Lite

Wednesday, 22 January 2014


( After an unbelievable year of success , Bigot-Johnson and his partner , Maynard Bigot-Johnson , scooped all the club trophies to the shock and dismay of all those who narrowly lose out. Following several allegations of cheating , the two Bigots were ordered to attend a disciplinary hearing. )

Chairman : Complaints have come in.....far too many to mention......about you two cheating in club competitions:
HBJ : That  sir...
MBJ : an outrageous lie
Chairman : Well, let's face're a scratch partnership formed last year ......being long-lost cousins re-united. Maynard clearly has much to learn about the game , and you Howard are certainly not rated as an expert. At best you two can only be described as rank outsiders when it comes to plundering silverware.
HBJ and MBJ ( in unision ) : Listen you toe-rage ......... we are blessed with an amazing understanding ......
Chairman : Aided by cheating 
HBJ : How dare you....
MBJ : ....we don't employ any kind of signal codes whatsoever....
HBJ : devious card placement......hand movements
MBJ : revealing facial expressions.....body gestures....
HBJ : changes in tempo ...
HBJ and MBJ ( in unison ) : No....we just intuitively know what each other's bids mean and what cards to play in any given situation
Chairman : Hmmm...I'm not convinced
HBJ : We have a telepathic understanding.....
MBJ : .....yes , something we never believed was possible....

HBJ : ....yet.... as soon as we started playing we realised we were on....
MBJ :....the same wavelength....for we were able....
HBJ : read one another's thoughts and secret wishes....indeed , whenever one of us looked at our cards...
MBJ : .....the other could see the image of that hand in their mind
Chairman : Well...that is cheating in my book
HBJ and MBJ ( in unison ) : Why ?  
Chairman : Because it gives you an unfair advantage
HBJ : Hold on a any competition the winners are often those players blessed with special skills them gifts if you like.....natural talents....which they are able to....
MBJ : ...profit by......For instance , many gifted players have devised convolted and complex bidding systems which only they can fully understand , putting seasoned players even more in the dark whenever their questions are answered......and has this talent been condemned as an unfair advantage ? Not at all....
HBJ : Moreover.... what about those other boffins who take up bridge , using their mathematical wizardry to compute all the odds and probabilities, required in play analysis.....
MBJ : determine in nano seconds what is statistically the best line of play....or what is the most best way to handle one's combined suit holding, in order to obtain the maximum number of tricks in that suit. Is this innate ability seen as an unfair advantage ?.....I think not
HBJ : And then we come onto players who have an uncanny knack of reading the cards.....almost as though...
MBJ : ..........they can see through the back of them.....
HBJ : ....So does this intuitive gift mean they profit from an unfair advantage ?   No way...
MBJ : And finally , we must look at those players who have that remarkable ability , many of us refer to as " table presence " . These buggers can sniff out any missing queens , stiff off-side kings , the location of opponents' key cards and the precise length of their trump suit holdings. Does anyone...
HBJ : ......accuse them of having an unfair advantage when blessed with this gift. No !
They just have a natural talent to pick up all the nuances and behavioural clues to glean knowledge mere mortals have to make do without. 
Chairman : None of this compares with telepathy .....
HBJ : My God....are 8 foot basket ball players accused of being cheats by their natural height advantage ? 
MBJ : Are overly fat ice hockey goalies who completely block out the net with their massive bulk and size labelled cheats. I think's all a load of......
HBJ : ......sour grapes
Chairman : I'm not listening to these spurious decision has been're being stripped of your trophies...... and you're barred from partnering one other
HBJ and MBJ ( in unison ) : Well shag me with a rag man's trumpet

Monday, 20 January 2014

A LITTLE LATER ON..................

Judge : Now let's move onto the hearing itself....
B-J : Yes....let's
Judge : Was Pantopod afforded all his legal rights ?
B-J : Rights ?....What rights ?
Judge : Rights laid down under the club's constitution and the law of the land
B-J : Rights?....What rights ?
Judge : The right to be given proper notice regarding all the charges made against him....the right to know the full implications of the hearing and whether or not his membership was at risk....the right to be challenge the evidence against cross-examine his accusers.....the right to offer an explanation for his plead mitigating circumstances.....the right to put up a robust and vigorous defence 
B-J : But a semblance of a defence was put up by someone
Judge : By whom ?
B-J : A rogue committee member who...... having succumbed to an unfortunate twinge of guilt....felt it necessary to act as the devil's advocate.......and provide a woefully ill-prepared and inadequate defence on Pantopod's which the rest of us ignored completely and dismissed out of hand
Judge : Oh.....but why wasn't Pantopod there to defend himself ?
B-J : He wasn't invited.....we used our discretion , which we were entitled to do..... under the constitutional conduct the hearing without him
Judge : Please explain why ?
B-J : Well , the inner circle took the view there was no point in him being there. All the committee members bar one , namely the half-wit , instinctively knew beforehand what had to be done....and what action was desperately called for....... indeed , for Pantopod the writing was on the wall
Judge : And what desperately needed action had you all in mind ?
B-J : To give Panto his just inflict upon him the maximum terminate his membership there and then....and to banish him forever
Judge : But wasn't that punishment extreme ?......
B-J : Extremely lenient......I agree....the bugger really ought to have been shot at dawn
Judge : I'm utterly speechless....
B-J : And so was I when he refused to take his punishment lying down 

Saturday, 18 January 2014


" Your honour....the fact that I have always loathed Pantopod .....deluged him with well over 400 poison pen letters, made three attempts on his life , and torched several of his cars........doesn't mean to say that..... as a key member of the disciplinary committee ........which had the balls to terminate his membership......I was biased in any way at all............that foul-mouthed, obnoxious scumbag got what he deserved ! "


Friday, 17 January 2014


I spy
With my little eye
Spying on me
I spy 
With my little eye
Desperate to see

Mischief I might be up to
Articles reviled by all
Evidence out to put me
Up against a wall                                                                                                                       

And shot 

Thursday, 16 January 2014

A follow up law review by Carp

As in America, an appeal court in Singapore took a dim view of a club's decision to expel one of its members. 
So what were the reasons behind the court's decision to intervene ? Answer : the disciplinary process failed to adhere to the rules of natural justice , along with a failure to abide by its own rules as laid down in the club's constitution and regulations.
The list below reveals the main concerns and observations by the court :

1. Given that the member had been charged with a disciplinary offence, which involved criminal intent , then the committee should have applied the same burden of proof as required in a criminal court , namely " beyond all reasonable doubt ". 
2. The charge laid against the member  ( fraud ) lacked both merit and reliable evidence , and was therefore described as " inherently defective ".
3. A verdict of guilt was delivered without giving the member a hearing or other opportunity to respond before the punishment had been handed out.
4. The committee's decision to expel took into account an irrelevant consideration 
5. There had been proven interference with due process by one of the club's officers.
6. A failure during the process to forward relevant documents to the member for her response    ( if any )
7. Misinformation was given by the chairman to the member during the early stages of the disciplinary process.
8. The committee had acted in an ultra vires manner , contrary to its own internal rules , when it set about looking for evidence in connection with the investigation , which was the remit and responsibility of another designated group. This was noted as an undesirable practice in that decision makers should not also be investigators , as this could lead  to prejudgement or the likelihood of apparent bias.
9. The committee failed to bring to the attention of the member the evidence it had obtained on its own initiative , so that the member could respond to it , if necessary.
10. The punishment failed to fit the crime. Given that courts of law have to abide by principles of proportionality and reasonableness in imposing punishment on an offender , then so should committees acting in a quasi-judicial way.
11. The chairman did not pay sufficient attention to the appellant's explanation, and in doing so 
"missed the wood for the trees ".
12. The behaviour of the committee strongly suggested a real likelihood of a residual element of prejudgement regarding the case against the member. Prejudgement is a form of apparent bias and apparent bias is a breach of natural justice.

Not surprising then that the club lost the case with the suspension order being declared invalid.
All costs were made against the club, along with damages to be assessed by the registrar. A lesson for all club committees to take on board.   

Tuesday, 14 January 2014

COURT CRITICISES CLUB OVER WRONGFUL SUSPENSION OF MEMBER............. ( Carp not surprised at all ) 

In America at least even private non-profit making clubs are kept in check over the way they go about disciplining members. Even the vulgar and filthy are entitled to respect according to an appeal court judge. The obnoxious individual, who allegedly used the "F " word to describe women members , still deserved a fair hearing before being expelled.
So where did the club go wrong in its attempt to sling out a member who had a history of bad behaviour ? The judge explained the expulsion was wrongful on several grounds, all of which equated to a failure to act in accordance with rules of natural justice and due process.
1. The member was denied a right to confront his accusers before losing his membership.
2.  In a closed meeting the board ( committee ) discussed numerous incidents which were not disclosed in the notice to the member about the hearing.
3.  Board members had discussed in private not only the swearing incident , but also various other matters, including allegations of impropriety some of which were totally unrelated to incidents involving club members.
4.  At the private meeting the board voted to expel the member , who was unaware that the current complaint , along with all the other prior complaints , would now be the basis behind its decision to expel.
5. The disciplinary process was flawed in that it failed to meet the requirements of being carried out in fair and reasonable manner.
6. Being denied the opportunity to confront his accusers and challenge undisclosed allegations of misconduct , the member's right to fair procedure had been violated. 
7. The member was clearly denied an opportunity to properly defend himself against the most serious accusations.
8. The court was also offended by the manner in which the board members had talked about the member behind his back.
9. The board's consideration in closed session of unnoticed and undisclosed matters to which the member had no opportunity to respond , clearly deprived him of a procedurally fair hearing.
10. The argument by the club's lawyers that the member would have been expelled even without consideration of the extraneous matters was rejected , simply because the decision was made on the overall review of the improperly considered matters. 
11. The board had in effect failed to follow the procedural rules laid down by the law , and as a result the board could not claim it was making a discretionary decision as a way of overcoming their mistakes.
12. The court also felt that the board failed to prove due process by not taking into account the severity of the punishment likely to be imposed. Expulsions warranted a higher level of adherence to fair and proper procedures , which on the facts presented to the court had not been established. 

(  Footnote : Although the court ruled that the club must reinstate the member , the board was given the option of proceeding with a full hearing, after proper notice , on all the charges against him. However , one is left to wonder how fair that might be , given the prevailing level of prejudice , resentment and loathing that must be endemic within the membership as a whole , against an obnoxious man who took their club to court ? )


Monday, 13 January 2014

Saturday, 11 January 2014


  • Playing Bridge Gets Me So Excited..........................................Ivan Erikson
  • If Partner Goes All The Way Best To Take Precautions..............Casey Coombs
  • He's Always Telling People Where They Went Wrong.................Sasha Knowle
  • I've Got A Handy Gadget For Zapping Opponents........................Ray Gunn
  • Partner , Have I Got A Big Surprise For You...............................Steffan Hall-Wright 
  • Come On Partner , Let Me Know What You're Thinking...............Cher A. Thort
  • When Partners Don't Deliver He Goes It Alone.............................Ann Jobb
  • Is There Any Way I Can Get Onto This Committee ?....................Paula Fewstrings
  • What On Earth Are Doing Under The Table ?...............................Jack N. Hoffman 
  • Well That's The Prize Giving Over With.....................................Watson Nex

Friday, 10 January 2014

BRIDGE BOOKS NO BETTER THAN GARBAGE .... ( As rubbished by Pun )

- Oh No Partner , The Roof's Caved In !..........................................Nida Tyler
- The Club Chairman Is On The Warpath........................................Bess Leggett
- Complaining About TDs Is A Waste Of Time...............................Xavier Breth
- Bigot-Johnson's Partner Has Done A Runner..............................Will Hunter-Downe
- What Punishment Did They Come Up With This Time ?...............B. Heddin  
- She'll Beat The Truth Out Of The Chairman..................................Tilly Telser
- You've Not Seen The Last Of Me...............................................C .U. Hencourt
- What On Earth Does He Like About That Woman ?....................Herbie Hynd
- So In Your Will What Are You Going To Bequeath The Club ?.......Myra Manes 
- The Best Way To Improve Your Defence.......................................Bill Dafort 

Wednesday, 8 January 2014


- instead of tutting at players who are incredibly slow you start tutting at those who show
  their impatience over your prolonged deliberations
- stayman starts to appear as an over complicated convention  
- finding a player who is prepared to be your partner becomes a forlorn and hopeless quest  
- the chances of finding a partner who can actually play bridge are less than zero 
- living on the same street as your local bridge club becomes a priority in that the time gap
  between toilet visits is sufficient to enable you trouble free journeys there and back
- getting a sitting seat nearest to the toilet also becomes a top priority
- your preferred bidding system reverts back to basic acol
- you often find the pattern on the backs of the playing cards more interesting than the shape ,
  points and distribution of the hand
- with the central heating full on you find yourself saying " Is it cold in here , or is it just me ? " 
- given a choice of clubs you could play at , the one with superior parking facilities becomes
  the automatic one
- on being dealt 432..432...5432....432 ...hand , you struggle to work out the losing trick
- instead of analysing your scorecard in order to learn from your mistakes , you quickly rip
  it up before leaving the club
- you start interpreting the " x " card as  " this marks the spot where all the other bidding
  cards go "   


Monday, 6 January 2014


Saturday, 4 January 2014


The perfect candidate should possess all the following attributes and character traits : 

  1. An ego capable of inflating itself to the status and size of the job
  2. An ability to distance yourself completely from the riff raff that foolishly voted you in
  3. A zealously guarded belief that life on the committee is an " us and them " situation 
  4. Never a person to rock the boat, preferring instead to develop the art of arse-licking to new unprecedented highs
  5. An unshakable resolve to adhere to the principle of collective responsibility , even when the proposals put forward by the chairman stick in your craw 
  6. A refusal to let guilt feelings undermine your desire to enjoy the perks and privileges that come with the post
  7. An ability to interpret compliance , passive submission and sycophantic behaviour as positive support for the chairman and/or his chief lackeys
  8. Never one to divulge what goes on the committee room , despite the club's well publicised pledge that openness and transparency should never be compromised
  9. A willingness to turn a blind eye to cover ups , falsification of minutes and any other shenanigans orchestrated by the chairman or his second-in-command
  10. A desire to be a loyal albeit fringe member of the chairman's close-knit family
  11. An innate ability to ignore one's conscience or moral compass 
  12. Never one to bear grudges even when the chairman decides to kick you out                                                                                                                               

Friday, 3 January 2014


( With the national championships almost over , Bigot was fuming. Although he managed to avoid coming bottom in the open pairs and teams events , he was really upset about the absence of  " men only " competitions  , especially when his lady partner  was enjoying herself in the ladies only pairs event. Bigot was left with no choice but to take the EBU to court alleging discrimination against men. As usual he opted to conduct his own case , and the following extract sees him interrogating a leading EBU official )

B-J : So both sexes are allowed to participate in the open events ?
EBU man : Yes.....that's why they are called " open "
B-J : Don't get smart with me......just answer the questions succinctly and without sarcasm ......
.............but tagged onto the open pairs and teams events you also have an all ladies pairs competition ?
EBU man : Yes.....and the ladies really seem to enjoy this event more than any of the others 
B-J : And do some ladies play in both the open events as well as this ladies pairs competition EBU man : Yes....indeed they do
B-J : So they get an additional crack at a trophy ?
EBU man : Yes....I guess that is the case
B-J : So men only get their chances for glory in the open events ?
EBU man : Yes.....and let's face because it is usually the top men who walk away with the silverware and prizes , women need their own competition so they too can get some kudos
B-J : ....which means they are getting preferential treatment ahead of the likes of me .....and other unsuccessful male players . By not running a men-only pairs competition that seems to me blatant discrimination against us ........contrary to statute law.   
EBU man :'ve got it all wrong. If there is any discrimination at all then it is against women .
B-J : How come ?
EBU man : Well, for a long time we have recognised that all male pairs and teams dominate the open events , and that good lady players never get a look in , especially when partnering their own sex. In order to ensure that good lady players are recognised , revered and honoured special competitions just for the fairer sex had to be set up. Indeed , it is men who for years have discriminated against refusing to play with them or to include them in their teams. Sexism runs rife in this particular sport I can tell you. .....
B-J : By God you're right....
EBU man : I'm glad you've come to that conclusion ...because by this admission of defeat all costs now are going to be awarded against you ....
B-J : Well, I'll be buggered....
EBU man : Probably , given your reputation for caught out by bowlers coming in from the pavilion end   


Bigot for once in his life decided to fork out some cash for an expensive weekend of bridge at the Brighton Congress. After an indifferent first day he and his partner were lying in 23rd place , and as he went to bed he could hear the profound prediction about his chance of success still ringing in his head. 
No sooner had he fallen asleep , Bigot then suddenly found himself in hell . The devil was clearly ready for him and instructed his minions to turn up the heat. 
Bigot remained unmoved and unconcerned. Once again the devil gave instructions to turn up the heat even more , but to no avail. Bigot was hardly breaking sweat. He just stood there contented and at ease with his surroundings.
The devil was now beside himself with rage and anger. How could this be possible ? So he decided to turn up the fires of hell to their maximum temperature. Yet again , the impassive Bigot remained unfazed and unperturbed.
" That's it " , snapped the devil " I must be using the wrong strategy ". So all the fires were immediately turned off , and at his command blasts of extremely cold air turned the place into an icy landscape, with temperatures plunging well below -60%C . As he looked up he could see Bigot jumping up and down with unbridled joy, yelling " that hell has frozen over , I'm destined to win this tournament after all ".  
And he did.
BIGOT SPURNS AN OPPORTUNITY OF A LIFETIME... ( A nearly true story by Bridgemeister Gibson )

A few days ago Satan appeared before Bigot and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you , the devil said , " I'll make sure you win every tournament you enter. Your partners will love and worship you. Your opponents will fear and respect you , and you will never lose a case in court. All I want in return is your wife's soul which will burn in hell for eternity ".
Bigot stared at him with utter disbelief : " What sort of a moron do you take me for ? Any offer like that.... which is too good to be true.... obviously ain't. So sod off back to the hell hole you just crawled out from and don't bother me again ".  

Thursday, 2 January 2014


  1. Look up the country's richest people and compile an extensive list
  2. Draw up another list from recent regional events where sponsors did reasonably well with their expert partners and/or team mates
  3. Look to see if successful sponsors are also mentioned in the rich list
  4. Draw up a shortlist of desirable candidates who fit the bill on both counts
  5. Scan through this shortlist ,  eliminating pairs or teams which involve experts who are thoroughly disliked , or who have a track record of being awkward or difficult to manage
  6. At long last you have a final list that needs to be trimmed down a little bit more  
  7. Leak information to well connected gossip mongers , with exceptionally loose tongues , that certain pairs/teams are in the running for selection.
  8. Contact the chosen sponsors to put them fully into the picture
  9. Await for transfers of money going into the selectors' personal off-shore bank accounts
  10. Determine which sponsors have been the most generous , and on the basis of one's sums announce the team to now represent your country
  11. Inform all the unlucky players that the decisions were ultimately made  by taking into account which pairs were most likely to develop into world beaters 
  12. Announce to the press how difficult and painful the whole selection process was for all concerned             

Wednesday, 1 January 2014

MORE DEFINITIONS ON BRIDGE........( Research by Carp )

- Bridge is war , in disguise of a sport
- There is more to bridge than life
- Bridge : the art of civilised bunny bashing
- The game for old players who love to lie....still
- A game during which both agnostics and atheists will turn to prayer
- Bridge is a lot like sex, everyone thinks they are the best , but most don't have a bloody clue 
  as to how to go about it properly
- A game in which if luck was not involved then 99% of players would never win at all 
- Bridge's is the world's best game , but with a global image problem
- If you're going to play bridge it's best to develop a taste for masochistic pleasure
- Bridge is like a battle , there is no joy in defeat. You have to climb a hill you want to defend , 
  and then die trying to keep hold of your position.