Saturday, 31 March 2012

( Bigot-Johnson had become incredibly desperate in his quest to win a prestigious trophy. Having resorted to using repeated light openers, overcalls, deviations and psychs , he finally managed to mastermind a big event pairs win. Everything fell into place in the last round when he  arrived at the top table. There,  he  managed to pull off some very damaging psychs against his nearest challengers. However, following a complaint about his dubious tactics , Bigot found himself in a Crown Court on charges of obtaining a pecuniary advantage by deception. Down below is a short extract from the trial's transcript. )

Prosecutor  ( P ) : You Bigot are charged under The Theft Act with obtaining a pecuniary advantage by deception .....
B-J : You're're completely off your head....
P : Not so....for the simple truth is that you used cunning and deception in the form of false misleading bids , which bamboozled your closest challengers into making uncharacteristic mistakes . These enabled you to secure an important victory over them,  obtaining in the process the valuable silverware and  prize money that was up for grabs.
B-J : Might I remind you that my victory was down to playing a superior game of bridge , where my guile and cunning overcame their naivety, trust, blind faith and crass stupidity. 
P : You used psychs....highly devious,....extremely deceptive....very underhand and damaging bids which were nothing more than outrageous LIES. To win prize money in this way ranks this appalling  type of behaviour alongside that of scammers,  con artists, cheats and rogues.
B-J : All this is preposterous....I was just playing bridge ...well within the laws ,  as established and laid down by the governing bridge bodies  
P : Yes...but there are other laws you have to abide by such as those laid down by the Theft Act. Your club may turn a blind eye and allow some prima donna players to harass , harangue and bully their partners........but if recorded evidence was brought before a criminal court they would all be charged with psychological assault .
B-J : But thousands of players use all manner of bids and card play techniques to deceive their opponents  in order to put themselves into  winning positions........
P : Then I'm afraid they are all potentially committing deception-related offences laid down in the Theft Act...
B-J : Then the law must be an ass !
P : Not so are the ass with your mule-headed attitude and awkward, stubborn ways about playing the game as if it was one endless huffing and bluffing. Indeed, you snatched ...or should I say....stole victory when you psyched 3D on the last board.....without a single diamond in your hand ! So when your LHO sailed into 7H cleverly refrained from doubling.....knowing of course your woodentop partner would  dutifully lead that suit.  So when you ruffed , with your singleton trump, you robbed the opponents of a trophy which should have had their names  printed on it.  As a consequence of your " con " , you just sat there for several minutes.......wallowing in a pool of self-satisfaction, sickening smugness and unbridled joy.
B-J : Brilliant .....wasn't it.....
Judge : A despicable act of wickedness and evil in my opinion.....which clearly establishes the mens rea for this offence......a deliberate almost malicious intent to deceive others in order to obtain  a pecuniary advantage.... so in my book're going down for a considerable period of time....
B-J: But it takes two to to say the lie, the other to believe opponents had an opportunity to expose the lie but chose not to do so...
Judge : Interpteting opponents bids has to be based on the premise that they are bidding to their agreed system card.....because if not.....then the system card itself is nothing more than a fraudulent, deceptive , almost meaningless, document.... and the purpose of the criminal law is  to protect the innocent ....who are not obliged , under any circumstances,  to question what they believe to be true. Take this man down....
B-J : Bugger....

BRIDGE BOOKS NEVER TO BE FORGOTTEN..... ( Should you ever get round to reading them says Pun )
  • The Opponents Handed Us That Trophy..............Honor Plait
  •  Are You Ready And Up For It Partner ?..............Otis Wellard
  •  That Result Puts Us Into The Top Flight...............Alan Mark Wynn
  •  I Love Playing Weak 2's In The Majors................Ben G. Mann
  •  How I Managed To Curb My Temper...................Molly Fyde
  •  Hell,  Surely You Fancy Another Rubber ............Johnny Forsayle
  •  My Partner Was Heaven Sent .............................R. K. Angel
  • That Man Just Peeked At My Cards !..................Rudy L. Mate
  • This Game Is Doing My Head In...........................Amos B. Hoffnow
  •  I Sensed A Misfit But Kept On Bidding...............Doug Meahole

Thursday, 29 March 2012

TRUE CONFESSIONS......... ( By Anonymous )

Sometime ago I did a rather terrible thing. Perhaps I was beguiled by misplaced loyalties and wrong motives. On reflection I should have succumbed to the requirements of collective responsibility. Only I didn't. For my sins I tried to protect a sinner from being sinned against. As so often happens I was faced with a difficult and awkward decision. Regretfully, I found myself in a no-win situation , where a conflict of loyalties left me with the terrible dilemma of Hobson's choice.

Time and time again I have wrestled with my conscience about whether or not I took the wrong option. I can't help but feel that my judgement call  was wrong ,  and that I should have followed the lead and wisdom of others. Copping out might well have been the best option ,  providing me with the ultimate escape clause ,where no courage or soul searching is needed . Lengthy dialogues with former colleagues have since followed , but they seem to prove how subsequent communications can so easily descend into bitter, acrimonious, mud slinging rows.

Each day I am made to regret the day I opted for the role of  a dissenter and outspoken critic , choosing to condemn those I should have supported. Secretly I wish I could turn back the clock. Egg on my face is not something I ever intended or wanted. Too many people who once respected me now don't. After what I've been through I've really had enough. Situations like this one inevitably develop into nasty affairs ,  which get completely out of control. An awful reality has hit me that I could be the person responsible for the nightmare scenario that exists today. The looming prospect of an expensive court case where there are no winners unnerves me immensely. Reversing the process is not a possibility,  but I would my sell soul this very minute if it meant I could stop both sides taking their dispute any further. As I don't believe in God ( or the Devil ) praying to God also seems like a pointless exercise .

Perhaps one day I'll learn never to take sides, or challenge the belief that might is right.   

" Hey's your boss again
wondering whether or not you
needed another hand ? "
" Tell the bugger absolutely not...
I'm more than happy with the one
I've got....."

Tuesday, 27 March 2012

" Hey's your boss again
wanting to know what the hell you
are up to? "
"  Aww....just tell him I'm following
up a cracking good lead...."
" Hey's your boss on
the phone wanting to know what
the hell you're doing ? "
" Aww.....just tell him I'm about to
bring home a highly profitable
contract ....."

(  Article by Toxic Ted Bateman )

( The completely paranoid, despotic  and insane Bigot-Johnson has  recently formed ,  in a desperate  attempt to protect and consolidate his power base as chairman of the Slaughter House BC ,  several rather dubious and suspicious looking sub-committees. So here we have the definitive list of highly recommended sub-committees , which any  sensible club management team ought to set up in the quest to maintain power and control over dissident members . ) 
  •  ASSET : Active Surveillance and Spying on Extreme Troublemakers
  •  CISSI  : Covert Investigations and Spanish Style Inquisitions
  •  FAECES  :  Falsification  and Alteration of  Evidence Counter-productive  to Extermination Strategies
  •  DEFACE : Devising Erroneous False Allegations Complaints and Exhortations
  •  PIGI   :    Propaganda Incursions and Gerrymandering Initiatives 
  •  CRAC :  Constitution Re-adjustments Amendments and Changes
  •  PEDS  : Promotion and Establishment of Double Standards
  •  PPP   : Protection and Pampering of Prima-donnas 
  •  HUMP : Highly Unethical Methods and Procedures
  •  DUMP  : Dissident Undermining and Mudslinging Practices 
  •  MUPPET :  Manifestly Unusual Procedures for Pantopod Extermination and Torture 

Friday, 23 March 2012


If I  had been been a gentleman player like some gullible fools still believe I am , or even a half-decent one who never resorted to bullying.....then I could well have won the respect of all my peers. Sadly, that was never likely to be the case , and so when I publish my next book " Softies Never Prosper But Intimidating Bastards Do " , I will stress the fact that aggressive behaviour towards your opponents can pay rich dividends. This being particularly true if you have no real skill or ability to win by fair and proper means.
Mind you , the administrators of the game wont have it. They have recently gone on record to claim that Zero Tolerance policies actually work !  That nasty, mean-spirited players are now an outlawed and excluded breed. No more will their unscrupulous and manipulative tactics , and devious psychological ploys , be tolerated or allowed. These table bullies will be rigorously hounded down, exposed and given the severest punishments , whenever they fall short of best behaviour standards. Well, these administrative numpties may say that .......but as sure as eggs are eggs I'm still here happily getting away with blue always. And yes , I shall no doubt be raising many more eyebrows , but the chance of me being barred from playing is zero , such is the soft-as-butter morality of those in charge.
Indeed , way back in my youth when a superior, grossly arrogant view of my own immortality was being nurtured, I truly believed that I could operate beyond any rules , and walk on water.  So as a result an extremely unpleasant , deceitful personality developed , which allowed my shocking behaviour to run amok , unrestrained, rampant and free.
Nevertheless , I have had from time to time odd twinges of guilt and shame , whenever I considered my table manners to be a tad over the top......but thankfully these were only fleeting moments which were soon forgotten. So quite rightly ,  I believe that  I owe all my achievements  to my success in the dark art of  rattling , undermining and upsetting opponents .  It is this brand of  despicable behaviour that has enabled me to become a legend.....a player who uses intimidation  and fear to command respect. So if you want an advanced copy of this forthcoming book please e-mail your orders to the following address  :

Thursday, 22 March 2012

DR. JOHN MAKES AN ASTOUNDING DIAGNOSIS ....( During an interview with Carp )

- Is it true Dr.John that you are an expert in the field of rare and unusual disorders affecting only bridge players ?
- I believe so
- let's get down to some real diagnosis then
- Why not indeed
- So tell me then what do you make of a player who.....holds court over others because he loves the sound of his own voice and is full of his own self-importance ?
- I haven't a clue
- And what do you make of a player who....never rates anyone as good as himself, even if that individual has achieved unparallelled success at the highest level ?
- I can't answer that either
- Well how about a player who......prides himself on being a win-at-all-costs results merchant ?
- No idea at all
- Good grief man....surely you can provide a diagnosis for one of the following....such as a player who
  • sees faults in others but never himself
  • loves to indulge in the relentless haranguing of partners
  • always lays the blame on others 
  • never practises what he preaches
  • constantly sets out to spoil the experience of bridge for others
  • uses every opportunity to call the TD over to secure book rulings in his favour
  • overacts to any incident by throwing tantrums and threatening to walk off 
  • demands apologies from others but is never prepared to make any of his own
  • expects others to overlook his transgressions, but is very quick to write letters of complaint if anyone transgresses against him 
  • loves to provoke others but then bitterly complains when they retaliate or stand up to him 
  • exploits weak and timid opponents to a barrage of light openers, overcalls, psychic bids and system deviations
  • claims to be ethical but employs all kinds of intimidating tactics himself
- Well to be honest.... I can't put a label on any of them
- For pity's sake man....surely you can  diagnose the type of player who possesses all the above character traits ?
- Oh that's easy.......he would be a classic case of the BIGOT-JOHNSON SYNDROME.... but less  knowledgeable folk would diagnose him as a COMPLETE ARSEHOLE

( The above article was inspired by a recent blog by Judy Kay-Wolff entitled " Pet Peeves " which is well worth a read )

Wednesday, 21 March 2012

BIGOT HAS ALL THE ANSWERS............. ( As evidenced by this recent albeit rather short conversation )

" Hey Bigot......what words of three or more letters can you get from the key word  Partners ? "
" No problem..........I can think of two immediately....... Prat  and  Sap "
( Well, there was no arguing with that response )
" Any others ? ..................."
" Hell no.....there's at least  four more that also spring to mind...Rat......Pest.....Ape .... Arse.....all rather apt descriptions don't you think "
( Clearly , the man had rather a jaundiced view on the subject matter )
" interesting set of highly derogatory nouns.....but what about a few action verbs to match ? "
" Ok...if you what about Pan....Paste...Rap...Spat...and Rant for starters...." 
" Great answers......but my oh my........ what a sick and poisonous mind you've got ..."
  • I Was Once The Club's Best Player...........Jay Diddenold
  • That Man Is A Dirty Rotten Cheat !..............Ike Cantell
  • Keep To A Simple Bidding System.............A. Coleman
  • I'm Not Happy With My Performance..........Phelan Lowe
  • My Partner Is Always Rushing In..................Ed Phurst
  • No No.. Don't Drop Me From The Team.....Ava Haart
  • That Last Hand Cost Us The Trophy...........Ria Leigh-Blewitt
  • The ACOL Bidding System Is Full Of Holes.....Colin Durr
  • Oh For A Knight In Shining Armour..............Ivan Hoe
  • Hell, I Need A Knight To Rescue Me.......... Lance Allott
  • Moving From Club To Club Suits Me Best....Wanda Ringstar
  • Partner, What Is Your Biggest Wish?...........Roger Forbuoys

Tuesday, 20 March 2012

IT'S ALL A QUESTION OF BALANCE........ ( A thought provoking article by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

In the bizarre world of bridge we can not help but see extremes. Too many players display character traits that are far removed from normal,  and clubs as a consequence  have become nothing more than theatres of the absurd. Surrealism is everywhere you care to look , because players seem completely unable to strike a balance between competing aims, where the sensible solution is always to occupy the relative safety of the middle ground. By failing to resolve the dilemmas through  compromise  , they choose instead to take up the extreme option , which opens them up to far greater criticism and ridicule.
Indeed these dilemmas require players to strike a balance between two legitimate but opposing goals, where the 50-50 rule offers a sane and rational solution. However, when a player elects to go to one of the extremes......then the world of bridge has really crossed over into the realms of abnormality. 
So now let's look at what these conflicts are , which many bridge players seem unable to reconcile in that  elusive quest to find the perfect balance  ..............
- the need to push yourself  to compete hard and achieve against the need to adopt a win-at-all costs mentality in the endless pursuit of tops
- the need to adopt a sportsman-like attitude against the need to exploit every type of rule breaking mistake opponents might inadvertently make
- the need to educate partner against the need to crack down on his/her mistakes in order to minimise the risk of repetition 
- the need to remain disciplined in your bidding against the need to create swings by going anti-system
- the need to be tolerant and forgiving against the need to reprimand all forms of inappropriate behaviour by others 
- the need to improve your  game through regular practice against the need to have another life outside bridge
- the need to worship the game for its exquisite and abstract beauty against the need to stop bridge becoming a religious obsession 
- the need to embrace the serious side of the game against the need to just have fun and enjoy the social experience 

Sunday, 11 March 2012

" Our
be proud
of this 
.......... ( A fleeting glimpse of a recent committee meeting  at the Walnut Tree Allotment BC ) 
" Let me get
this straight
you believe
you have
become a
due to the
fact that
all you see
in front of
you is one
flat hand
another "

Saturday, 10 March 2012

UP 1000'S


" When I take that long to open 1NT you know I'm absolutely minimum......"
" Partner, you oughta know by now that my 3 level pre-empts in the minors are made on filth "
" Partner, did it never occur to you that East's double was based on a trump stack "
 " That 2C opener of yours was the worst 23 count I have ever come across " 
What this bridge world needs is more geniuses with humility......because let's bloody well face it there are so few of us left "
" If I had been partnering anybody else I would have doubled "
" Yes, we really do need to play that convention but best we leave it off the card "
" Thank you partner for not pissing me off more than you normally do " 
" Please get this into your thick head....when I said your game was average that was meant as a compliment "
" The last thing I want to do is insult you........why it's first thing on my list of priorities "
" Avoid bidding no trumps if you can......always leave that to me "
" For pity's sake partner, watch out for my signals....especially the tiny finger ones "
" Partner, we only use transfers when I open 1NT......."
" Partner, don't you dare suggest you played your part.....why 58 of our 60% was all down to me "
" Listen  lady I've told you before.....length is what matters "

Thursday, 8 March 2012


Dear Rebecca ,
At the Slaughter House Bridge Club , certain members have been targeted and " persuaded " to leave as part of a major cleansing initiative . Anyone who befriends or is closely related to a member of the Pantopod family is under threat. Moreover, anyone who challenges the powers that be  might also end up in the frame , and this now means I am very fearful of voicing my criticisms in case I'm added to the hit list.
What should I do ?

Yours Ray Lee Sayer-Thingnow

Dear Ray ,
It seems to me that your club chairman, the infamous and despicable Bigot-Johnson , has gone a goose step too far. Cracking down on players who raise their dissenting heads above the parapet is not acceptable in any circumstances.
Even if a bridge club has a small minority of objectors , who are  proverbial pains in the arse, it would be wrong to get rid of them just because they are exercising their right to oppose attacks on pantopods by voicing their pacifist views and concerns. These members should be warmly embraced as people who provide reality checks on what is happening.
The scenario you have described is often the thin end of the wedge , where further inroads are likely to take place in the quest for the complete purification of the membership.
However, the most shocking aspect of all this is the loss of future income to your club.  If a typical player contributes about £500 a year income, then  by ridding the club say of 12 players the aggregate annual income drop is around £6,000....which over 10 years amounts to a staggering £60,000 shortfall. Moreover, for every player who leaves , many of his friends and regular partners might also decide to abandon their allegiance and commitment to the club, adding to further falls to the income totals.
But coming back to your original question as to what to do , I would always say stand up and fight for what you believe in. And even if your head  eventually gets blown off by the flak that comes flying your way , then rejoice in the knowledge that you went down as a martyr and a saint. Heavens above ....are you a man or a mouse ?

Yours, a former-president of the Justice League of Bawtry and Doncaster District , Rebecca Rood    

Dear Rebecca,
It really did.......I was dealt 13 spades. I couldn't believe my eyes.
Naturally, I opened 7S only to hear my LHO ........shock, 7NT. This bid was doubled by my partner with the contract going 3 off for a paltry 500 , when we had 2210 going our way.
Where did I go wrong ?

Yours Gutted from Gateshead

Dear G ,
You opened that hand like a brainless prat. Your confident bid no doubt gave the game.....or should I say grand slam......completely away. Cunning and guile was needed here to steer your way into 7S without arousing their suspicions as to how many spades you were holding.
Many experts have argued over the best way to bid such a hand. However , my suggestion would be as follows :
Open 1 diamond !  Rest assured this bid would not have been passed out. Certainly one or both of your opponents would have entered the bidding , since each had a void in spades and a likely two suited hand. The moment they competed in hearts and clubs,  you could  then cue bid one of these suits to force partner to show his hand. He no doubt would be obliged to bid 2NT to show stops in their suit(s) or put you back into diamonds. Either way your next bid is 7S ,  expecting all to pass.
If the opponents chose to stay quiet , your partner would have certainly responded either supporting diamonds or bidding his clubs/hearts. You then could make a forcing reverse bid in spades. Whatever he bid next , you would then  go straight to 7S, which would have ended the auction for sure.
Now how easy is that.....

Yours deceptively Rood   

Wednesday, 7 March 2012


( Bigot-Johnson is not one for keeping secrets. Indeed, all the techniques The Slaughter House BC chairman has used and developed over the years have been entered up in his forthcoming publication, being a hefty looking manual on  " How To Be An Effective  Bridge Club Chairman ". One snippet from the first chapter offers advice to anyone newly elected into the post on how to deal with the out going chairman who stood against you. )

1. Summon him to attend an informal hearing , making sure the room has all the trappings and appearance of a court house.
2. Make sure he is left waiting outside for some considerable length of time.
3. Have him escorted in by two of your burliest supporters to be seated on a very small chair in front of the raised platform on which you and 4 other henchmen are positioned.
4. It is essential that the four panelists including yourself are dressed in military looking uniforms. Right at the start ,  they must plonk the heavy jack boots they're wearing onto  the bench in front of them  , such that only your face is the one which can be seen from below.
5. Tell him that you bear " no hard feelings " over the campaign he vigorously and valiantly fought against you for this coveted position of power.
6. Carefully point out all the various indignations you were subjected to prior to the campaign ,      listing all the criticisms and bad mouthing you personally received from him and his known associates.
7. Ask him what , if any , weaknesses he feels you might possess with regards to this office. If he claims you have none, point out straightaway all the contents of The Folder you have with you.  This folder , of course , contains all the written references to yourself , which  have clearly cast you in an extremely bad light. Ask him how it is possibly reconcile this sudden change of view with page after page of this defamatory bile. However, if he starts  to repeat any  of the criticisms  listed in the folder, interrupt him immediately by asking what he had in mind when he accused you of " being a troublesome member who needed to be dealt with like those arse holes before him ".  
8. Then go through the folder line by line asking him awkward questions at every turn , such as " what exactly does this mean ? "
9. After several hours of putting him through the wringer,  sarcastically remind him that by winning the vote his credentials to do the job were obviously perceived by the majority of the members as being far inferior to your own. Do not however , under any circumstances , allow him to raise the issue of gerrymandering.
10. Announce to this person your plans to remove people from the club who (a) don't toe the line. (b) are out to cause the committee, or any of its officers, heartache and trouble, or (c)  cannot be relied upon to give you, and the committee, their unwavering support. 
11. Ask him if he is willing to wear one of the recently commissioned badges " Bigot Forever ", " Bigot My Hero " or " Bigot The Fuhrer "  as a gesture of  his " no hard feelings ", goodwill, re-directed loyalty and respect. 
12. Remember to use , throughout this long protracted process , exaggerated gestures ,   dramatic and  expressive facial and body language, to send out powerful signals of a person well in control : a chairman who now has absolute power and authority.. Clenched fists and pointed fingers are a must, alongside sneering smiles, penetrating stares, and a body in a constantly leaning forward position ( if only to expose the number " 666 " recently tattooed  onto your shaven head. )  


Tuesday, 6 March 2012

( Having stepped in at the last moment to cover a second year class of intermediate students , Bigot found one of them extremely awkward and stubborn , as this short extract from their conversation reveals. )

B-J  : What is this card I am holding up ?
Student : The Ace of spades......
B-J : Try again....( still holding up the Ace of spades )
Student : The ace of spades....
B-J : For pity's sake man can't you's the 10 of clubs !
Student : No it's not....... it's the Ace of spades.....
B-J : Ok...let's try another card ....what's this one ?
Student  : The seven of diamonds.....
B-J : Try again.......( still holding up the seven of diamonds )
Student : The seven of diamonds.....
B-J : Are you off your's any card other than the seven of diamonds....for might I remind you....... the object of this exercise is for you to lie
Student : I can't ....I've always been told to tell the bid the hand that is in front of tell partner exactly what I've got
B-J : You sir are a complete tosser and woodentop. And I'm going to teach you how to lie and to psych and deceive ......if it's the last thing I do. I'm going to teach you how to play real bridge.....the nasty, cruel and evil's the only way to break your fixed mind set about bidding ,  which has been mistakenly programmed into you by those idiot teachers you've had before
Student : Oh dear...I know I'm honoured and privileged to have you as my teacher.....but I could never bring myself to be a dishonest, deceitful, and unpleasant player yourself........ even if they are the very qualities that could turn me into a better player
B-J : I am trying to teach you a very important lesson about psyching....
Student : You are trying to teach me to lie...
B-J : Listen it what you a vital part of this game. It is a very useful psychological weapon. Without it you are naked and impotent.......if you can't lie you can never generate swings, or tops out of nothing......opponents will never be in any doubt about what you have in your hand......they will never be conned into making wrong assumptions or put to guesses which are doomed to be wrong 
Student : Yes, I understand where you are coming from..... and that lying is an integral part of the game.....perhaps ingenious....definitely cunning......but I just can't do it..
B-J : Well bugger off then.... because this noble game doesn't need blinkered ,  honest and truthful toe-rags like you.......  

Sunday, 4 March 2012


( Hell's bells the magazine is packed full of devious, underhand, and wicked tips on how to add a real cutting edge to their game )

Friday, 2 March 2012

........                             ( Error :  For " heart " read " heart attack " )