AS AN AGEING BRIDGE PLAYER YOU KNOW YOU'RE OVER THE HILL.........

- when you still rely on a sat nav to get you to your local club on time
- when you begin every bridge conversation with " In my days... "
- when you can't find partners of similar ability because everyone's game is so much better
- when your get-up-and-go depends on whether you had prunes for breakfast
- when the only hands you can recall are those you played over 30 years ago
- when having cancelled bridge with your partner he then thanks God for the repreive 
- when you confuse having a clear conscience with a poor memory
- when afternoon bridge becomes more much appealing than evening sessions
- when you seek out partners who are either GPs or pharmacists
- when your club membership number is just a single digit
- when you know from personal embarrassment and shame the meaning of the word " numpty "
- when your partner comes over to help you cross your legs
- when you join beginner groups at other bridge clubs so as not to feel out of place
- when you can't sit still at the table without falling asleep
- when you wonder why the auction is taking so long oblivious to the fact it was your turn to bid
- when bridge books you first bought are now rare, highly sought after collectibles
- when club members ring you but only to ask for your partner's telephone number
- when down as stand-by , the only unpaired player left chooses instead to go home

AS AN AGEING BRIDGE PLAYER YOU KNOW YOU'RE OVER THE HILL........

- when you can't recall ever climbing up the hill 
- when you sit in a rocking chair but can't get it going
- when asked about your trump holding you say it's down to excellent bowel control
- when your knees buckle but your belt can't
- when you realize today that you were down to play with your partner in last night's duplicate
- when you're unable to vacate your seat because the gravitational pull is far greater than the
   strength of your leg muscles
- when you wake up feeling like you've had a night on the town only to realize you haven't
  been anywhere at all
- when you hear the snap, crackle and pop and that's even before you've sat down to eat 
   your breakfast cereal
- when you find it mentally taxing even to follow suit 
- when despite your capacity to retain water you are constantly leaking all over the place
- when bending over to pick up a dropped card you wonder what else you could possible do  
  while you are down there
- when you start asking the opponents about the meaning of your partner's bids
- when partner comments on your " monstrous cock up " you immediately look down at your 
   flies 

BRIDGE PLAYERS KNOW THEY'RE OVER THE HILL WHEN......

- getting up from their seats takes more than one go
- partners constantly diagnose everything they do as possible symptoms of ill-health
- fanning all 13 cards becomes a major problem
- they claim to know all the answers but no one bothers to ask the questions
- at least 30% of their weight is in just one place
- they have to rest immediately after bending down to retrieve a dropped card
- success has now become a case of not coming bottom 
- they constantly peek at their system cards in order to remember what conventions
  are on it
- members who warn them to slow down are all qualified doctors
- instead of combing their hair they focus far more on arranging it
- damp seats forever follow them around the room
- they yearn to wallow in nostalgia but they can't remember their past
- they suddenly switch from slating older members to now much younger ones  
- their idea of getting fresh air involves sitting next to an open window
- their perception of a quick bid is one that takes between 30-40 seconds
- guesswork now replaces logical deduction and analysis
- getting close to the table involves pulling in stomachs before pulling in the chairs
- the faces of their next opponents light up with joy at the prospect of some easy tops 

BRIDGE BOOK BLOCKBUSTER SET TO BREAK ALL SALES RECORDS.......( Sneaky preview by Pun )

Now in its final stages this forthcoming literary masterpiece is all set to take the bridge book market by storm. The author Fuller Payne provides the reader with a harrowing tale of woe. In effect , it is a study of the Human Condition , its shortcomings and failings , wrapped up in the saga and folly of lengthy litigation. Based on true facts , it is a story that beggars belief. There are no heroes or good guys , only casualties burdened with crippling financial costs.
For social and sports clubs , both large and small , this blockbuster of a book is an essential read if history is never to repeat itself. This shocking and riveting story shows how prejudice , ignorance , stubbornness , lack of foresight , arrogance and insanity provide the perfect ingredients for an unmitigated disaster. The author's aim is to first shock and then educate the reader. So in an attempt to whet your appetite , here is the list of chapter headings , designed to provide the reader with a potted history of this sad and tragic tale :

1.   Gathering storm clouds : rumblings of discontent 
2.   That dreadful man has to go
3.   Failed attempts and botched petitions 
4.   A new plot is hatched
5.   The infamous AGM
6.   A brutal backstabbing
7.   Triumphant committee takeover 
8.   We're here to do a job
9.   The flying bridgemate incident
10. The day of the kangaroos 
11. The stitch up 
12.  An appeal is lodged
13.  The kangaroos return
14.  Another stitch up
15.  The threatened lawsuit
16.   Bring it on : a cry of defiance
17.   Nothing will come of it
18.   It will all blow over
19.   We did nothing wrong
20.   Mediation is out of the question
21.   Not so says the judge
22.   Mediation day : the greatest non-event of all time
23.   Another pre-trial review
24.   What no defence ? The wasted costs order
25.   5 years of dispute and the wind is still blowing
26.   Trial date is set
27.   Another AGM : now panic in the ranks
28.   It's not our fault , we had no choice 
29.   We're only amateurs
30.   Judgement day arrives

   

MORE QUOTES ( MAINLY ANONYMOUS ) ON BRIDGE.....
..... ( Research by Pun )

• The thing about bridge , like any other sport , is that swearing is very much part of it
• Bridge is nothing more than a ritualised form of non-physical combat : if that weren't the case , it wouldn't be the game it is
• I thought bridge players were all sportsmen and totally honest : how wrong can one be ?
• Bridge is a game where all players can't believe what is happening to them
• As the non-playing captain of a bridge team no one can accuse me of dropping players : I simply make changes
• Bridge is the only gaming sport I know where young , ruthless , predatory men can legitimately hunt down and slaughter defenceless little old ladies
• I remain of the opinion that there is no game from bridge to cricket that is not improved by a little light conversation : a view which is shared only by a small and unjustly despised minority (Osbert Lancaster )
• One of the chief duties of a bridge player is to engage in arguments with partners and opponents alike. This department of  the game is unfortunately the one which is most talked about and reported.
• Bridge players never lose to superior players : poor results are the consequences of coming up against cheats and " being robbed "
• Personally , I have always looked upon bridge as organised loafing ( Howard Bigot-Johnson )
• Bridge players with big inflated egos , who love to stand tall, will always come down to my height as soon as they sit down at the table
• The uglier a player's personality is , the meaner he/she is at bridge table : it's an irrefutable fact 
• No one is more sensitive about his/her game than the weekend duplicate bridge player
• If a bridge player is described as a " real sportsman " , then he is likely to be a desperately over-sexed , testosterone-fuelled hedonist ,   who makes it his mission in life to take newly acquired female partners to late night parties and bacchanalian orgies  

NEW IDIOMS.............( Research by Pun )

" Storm in a teacup " is an out-dated idiom , which has been recently replaced by the much more meaningful phrase  " bridgemate across the table ".
This new idiom represents a much more amusing use of hyperbole to point out the absurdity of a situation. At the risk of stating the obvious , a harmless movement of a bridgemate across a table is not quite the same as a bridgemate being thrown ( with real force ) at an opponent with the clear intent to cause actual, possibly grievous , bodily harm. Nevertheless, the very circumstances in which bridgemates can be moved across a table can vary immensely ,  given the possible range of deviations , or should I say elevations , from the accepted code of conduct and air traffic controls . 
Flight paths which have entered well established no-fly zones might well cause minor ructions based on alleged offence of violating one's air space. Nevertheless a bridgemate across a table , just like a storm in a teacup , is in reality making a big deal over nothing.... or similarly making huge waves over something of little consequence. 

 "HAVING A FIELD DAY " : THE TRUE ORIGIN OF THIS SAYING........... ( Research by Pun )

Most people use this figurative expression for a day or occasion or time of particular success , often associated with great excitement in the world of competitive sports. However , the myth that such a saying was first used by the military , to describe a day when troops were engaged in manoeuvres , exercises or reviews out in the field , needs to be dispelled immediately.Often the area or place in which military operations were carried out were nothing like open fields. The army in particular would use barren or rocky terrains , woods,  along with derelict sites where houses had been reduced to rubble. 
My research has shown that the expression was first coined at the Long Buckby Bridge Club during a pairs tournament in 1902. The winning pair , a couple of well-to-do farmers , scored 76% , having crucified the opposition from start to finish. As one laid his blood stained hands on the trophy, he was heard to remark to his partner " In all my life  I've never come across so many useless tossers all gathered together in the same place ....... in fact any half-decent player would have a field day against this load of bunnies ". 
Consequently from that day on big hitters would turn up at tournaments referring to all other competitors as rabbits , expecting of course to have a field day of remorseless, enjoyable , highly rewarding slaughter . 

A FANTASY BRIDGE STORY.......( By Pun )

Poor Dorothy had found herself lumbered with the Lion and Tin Man as team mates . Moreover she had drawn the short straw by having to partner the brainless scarecrow. Up against them in the first round were the two icy-looking Poles sitting North South at table 1, while the two wicked Witches occupied the East West seats at table 13.
" Don't worry Dorothy.......I wont let you down. I have my pride to consider ", said the rejuvinated Lion.
" Listen Dorothy.....I know I'm a little rusty when it comes to tournament bridge , but I know I can do it... I can..... I can... " proclaimed Tin Man with steely resolve. 
" Well Dorothy..... being the Scarecrow I love big fields....and hey... am I ready to give my opponents a bit of stick ! "
Seconds later the match got underway and Dorothy's rag bag team were holding their own. Now everything depended on getting a good result on the final board. 
When they met up to do the scoring , Dorothy was quick ask the Tin Man what happened on board seven. " We made 7NT " he replied. Dorothy was flabbergasted because the Scarecrow too made the same contract the other way.
" I don't understand that at all ......" said a puzzled Lion.
The Tin Man was quick to explain all. " Sitting West I had 13 top winners in clubs and spades. So I opened the bidding with 7NT confident in the fact that North was obliged to lead a club or a spade , since he too was dealt a two-suited black hand. 
" Yes..." said the Scarecrow " On my table the wicked Witch of the West opened a canny 2C only to hear me overcall 7NT on my basis of my black two-suited yarborough. I knew East had a red two-suited hand similar to mine, and so she had no choice but to lead a miserable diamond or heart straight into dummy's magnificent thirteen red suited winners."
Dorothy and the Lion were stunned. " How on earth did you two know what to do ? "
" Oh that easy " chirped in the Scarecrow , " we both heard the two witches plotting with the Poles about what they were going to do with a hand they rigged up with one of their spells. They expected Tin Man to open 7S , so they could come in with the unbeatable overcall of 7NT. And on our table they expected the bidding to go 2C, Pass, 2D, 7H , 7NT.......but we of course got our grand slam bids in first. 

  
  

THE COMPLETE BRIDGE PLAYER......... ( Profile by Pun )


No way is it good enough to just have a bridge brain ,  possessing real flair and technique in the bidding and play of the cards. The complete bridge player  needs to have many more strings attached to his/her bow. If competitive bridge arenas have become unforgiving battle fields , then those who enter the fray , with visions of conquering all ,  must do so possessing all these essential attributes :

1.  Rhino thick skin capable of withstanding all manner of barbed comments and pointed 
     remarks
2.  A sharp tongue of their own capable of cutting down anyone who is about to launch a
     psychological attack 
3.  Ice cool composure in situations when pressure and stress would cause weaker men to 
     cave in
4. Unbending will power to suppress all those crippling, self-destructive doubts and  
    emotions which come from within
5. An iron fist capable of flooring any opponent
6. Nerves of steel
7. Hard nose attitude towards those who are less than ethical and honest
8. A brass neck capable of delivering impudence and cheek to regain that competitive edge
9. The Midas touch when tough calls and decisions have to be made 
10. Silver tongue eloquence when smooth talking is the order of the day
11. Crystal clear thinking to accompany instant razor sharp analysis  
12. A compiled list of golden rules on which future successes are guaranteed 
   

NEWSFLASH : A BRITISH MOVIE " A BRIDGEMATE TOO FAR " PRODUCED AT THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BRIDGE CLUB FILM STUDIOS RECEIVES RAVE REVIEWS AS ITS PREMIER SHOWING AT CANNES FILM FESTIVAL ........
( A review by Pun )

Based on true story and directed by Howard Bigot-Johnson ,  " A Bridgemate Too Far " is a disaster war movie in which the West attempted to make a pre-emptive airborne strike against the North,  only to see this ill-fated mission   ( code name " grand slam " )  fail in a most spectacular and bloody way.
The Western forces commander decided to launch an attack on the North by means of airborne assault , one which was destined to become the most costly in the history of human conflict. Expecting the enemy to be completely demoralised from losses sustained in previous skirmishes , this bold and daring plan to launch a bridgemate deep into enemy territory seemed like a good idea at the time. However , the mission's objectives never had a chance in hell of being achieved. The planned landing destination proved to be a step too far. The enemy contrary to sketchy surveillance reports was in far better shape than first thought , and had more than enough resources to retaliate with devastating effect. 
The film reveals how ( in hindsight ) the lack of information about the enemy's capacity to counter-attack proved fatal. Even words of caution from General Peter East " I think this could be a bridgemate too far " fell on deaf ears , with the Western allied commander in no mood to reconsider or delay his plan. As a consequence of his erroneous judgement , disaster was inevitable. With losses piling up by the thousand  an important lesson , belatedly , had been learnt about the folly of carrying out an ill-conceived and ill-advised air strike.  
The wisdom contained in the the old adage of  " never bite off more than one can chew " was clearly evident , given how big and bold this grand slam mission was : one which required so many things to be right if there was going to be even the remotest chance of success .  
     

NEWSLASH : BRIDGE WORLD GETS EXCITED AFTER A WHOLE STASH OF PREVIOUSLY UNPUBLISHED BOOKS FINALLY GETS PUT INTO PRINT......

Culinary expert , Ima L. Avercook , turned her hand to writing bridge books in the late 1950's , but most remained as unpublished manuscripts. Now at long last permission has been given by her daughter to put have them all put into print and sold worldwide. Of the dozen or so that are currently available in the shops , these are the ones which have taken gone down like a bomb.

• What Small Clubs And Banana Republics Have In Common
• Is Bridge The Best Thing Since Sliced Bread ?
• Expert Declarer Play :  Bringing Home The Bacon
• Changing Partners ?  :  Cherry Pick Your Way To Success
• Expert Declarer Play : Never Put All Your Eggs In One Basket
• Undisciplined Partners ? : Drop'em Like Hot Potatoes
• Rubbish Partners ? : Give Them The Cold Shoulder
• Is Bridge A Friendly Game ? : I Should Cocoa
• Warning ! Committee Members Can Be A Mealy Mouthed Lot
• Diabolical Plays : Partners Who Were Completely Off Their Noodles
• Did Declarer Make The Right Decisions ? : The Proof Is In The Pudding
• Hopeless Contracts ? : Pulling The Chestnuts Out Of The Fire
• Rotten Apples In Your Club : What To Do About It 
• Making Doubled Overtricks : Rubbing Salt Into Your Opponents' Wounds
• Self-proclaimed Experts ? : They're Just Mutton Dressed As Lambs
• Opponents In A Bad Contract ? : Let Them Stew In Their Own Juice
• What ! Another Unfortunate Bridgemate Incident ? : Just A Storm In A Teacup
• What 4 Down Doubled Vulnerable ! : That's The Way The Cookie Crumbles
• Taking A Dispute To Court ? : Yes , Why Not Go The Whole Hog
• Zero Tolerance In Your Club ? : Learn How To Walk On Eggshells

AS AN  AGEING BRIDGE PLAYER YOU KNOW YOU'RE OVER THE HILL WHEN.....

- instead of tutting at players who are incredibly slow you start tutting at those who show
  their impatience over your prolonged deliberations
- stayman starts to appear as an over complicated convention  
- finding a player who is prepared to be your partner becomes a forlorn and hopeless quest  
- the chances of finding a partner who can actually play bridge are less than zero 
- living on the same street as your local bridge club becomes a priority in that the time gap
  between toilet visits is sufficient to enable you trouble free journeys there and back
- getting a sitting seat nearest to the toilet also becomes a top priority
- your preferred bidding system reverts back to basic acol
- you often find the pattern on the backs of the playing cards more interesting than the shape ,
  points and distribution of the hand
- with the central heating full on you find yourself saying " Is it cold in here , or is it just me ? " 
- given a choice of clubs you could play at , the one with superior parking facilities becomes
  the automatic one
- on being dealt 432..432...5432....432 ...hand , you struggle to work out the losing trick
  count
- instead of analysing your scorecard in order to learn from your mistakes , you quickly rip
  it up before leaving the club
- you start interpreting the " x " card as  " this marks the spot where all the other bidding
  cards go "   

   

AS A BRIDGE PLAYER YOU KNOW YOU'RE OVER THE HILL WHEN .............

-  you start to wax lyrical about about any score over 50%
-  all kinds of " accidents " occur at your table
-  " grumpy " has become your permanent default mode
-  you get the same sense of excitement from scoring tops that you used to get when
   scoring with women
-  the only reading that turns you on is when a good result appears on the bridgemate display 
   screen
-  the time taken to count your hand works out at five seconds per point
-  you spend 3 minutes on a plan to trap a missing queen only to discover it is in your own hand
-  you've been told that paying subscriptions in advance would be an act of folly on your part
-  bidding has now become the only thing in your life where it's safe to be bold and daring 
-  your knowledge of all the bridge clubs you visit relates solely to the location of the toilets
-  you only put up with the new technology as it's the very thing that is keeping you alive 
-  you are pretty sure bridge has provided " trophy winning celebrations " but can't quite 
   remember whether you were ever involved in them or not 
-  you get worried that the excitement at pulling off a difficult contract might just finish you off
-  seeing out 24 boards without falling asleep becomes the highlight of your life
-  you can't even put a name to your partner's face

NEWSFLASH
( By Pun ) :
SLAUGHTER
HOUSE BC 
GOES TO 
THE DOGS
..........
..........
..........
BIGOT-JOHNSON GETS HOUNDED AND COLLARED BY
GOSSIP MONGERING JOURNALISTS

" Yes....yes....I'm at the end of my tether alright......with everyone bitchin' about the way I operate as chairman. But hell.....I've been chasing my tail for days now looking for a way forward to get this club back onto its feet again. And what's more I've a few bones to pick with you arseholes who say the club is finished. You're all barking mad. I know I'm dogmatic but that's what I'm all about : arrogant, bigoted, snappy, intolerant and dictatorial. So don't unleash any more of your dirt finding questions on me.......I'm need time to paws....and time to sniff out a devious solution to get the club out of the huge financial hole I've just dug for it. "     

BRIDGE CLUB SUB-COMMITTEE DISCIPLINARY HEARING No.349.....
( Pun , who in his first year of taking over the editorship of the club's newsletter, soon fell foul  of the committee's all embracing best behaviour at bridge policy. Despite earlier warnings about placing obscene double entendres on every page, Pun continued to use them in a valiant attempt to spice up articles, which would have otherwise been extremely dull and dreary. However, the last edition upset the prudish members of the committee to such an extent, Pun was dragged before a rather angry and vengeful disciplinary panel. A short extract from the hearing's transcript can be seen below.) 

Chairman (C) : So what have you got to say for yourself.......?
Pun : It's nice to get it out in the open.....don't you agree ?
C : So what do you got to say about this lastest newsletter ?
P : A masterpiece.....full of wit and humour
C : Full of puerile, inane drivel in our opinion....what we expect and what we should get are decent articles....mainly factual stuff........ such as the bidding and play of interesting hands, which members of course might well learn from..... or appreciate
P : Well, I would have included such articles if people had bothered to submit any..... instead of leaving me to provide the content.......
C : Listen you munchkin....... someone with balls has to come down hard on you....
P : Let me guess....  a well oiled upstanding member no doubt 
C : My God, you're disgusting.....you need to be shot... 
P :  I would prefer a lethal blow...if that's alright with you
C : That could be arranged....
P :  Best from behind.....
C :  Such vulgarity........that last double entendre you used was both lewd and sickening
P :  I'm sorry....but it just slipped out 
C :  This kind of vile, base, toilet humour has no place in this club ! It's for depraved people with low intellects and sick, perverted minds... 
P :  I disagree......surely, it is listener or reader who has the sick and depraved mind in order to reconstruct in his imagination the fully fledged obscenity from seemingly innocent or well intended words. The greater the disproportion between what is directly said in its innocence, and what obscenity is aroused by the mind of the listener, the finer is the witticism.....and the higher its value in good literature......Why Shakespeare himself was a master of the pun !
C : So what you're saying in effect..... is that words in statements can have double meanings, some of which lead sexually aroused respondents to immediately encode as an obscene references. Therefore, the effect is far more pronounced for high sex-anxiety respondents than for others ?
P : Not exactly, one simply needs to have a dirty mind in the first place to derive a " dirty " connotation from seemingly innocent words.
C  : But why pump so many into the club magazine ?
P : Because....the language of bridge is riddled with them....
C : Such as ?
P :  " I've got strength but not much length "......" you forced me ".... " you jumped me when you didn't have the strength for a good raise "..... " it helps if you've got a good hand "....." quick tricks "...." he's forever going down "......" picked up a queen "....." found partner with a stiff "...
" deprived an entry ".....
C : Yes...yes...I get the message......but I find all this very depressing....this is an issue we should put to the members at a EGM.... so they can all have an input..... 
P : Mass debating....... sounds good to me.....
C : Pun....you are completely incorrigible !

   

CHAUNCEY GARDINER'S SUPERB BRIDGE BOOKS FOR BUDDING BRIDGE PLAYERS....... ( Recommended reading by Pun )

This little known author wrote many books on bridge to give those with a passion for the game a chance to blossom and grow into quality players, and dedicated club members . Anyone who has just one of his books buried away in the loft will have a very rare and collectible item indeed, probably worth it's weight in gold. In all he wrote 16 books, but unfortunately all the titles had " gardening " connotations, and as a result far too many bridge players chose to overlook or ignore them.
However, the full list of his truly amazing and instructive books can be seen below :

• Weeding Out Bad Habits
• Shooting For Tops
• Branching Out Into The Big Arenas
• Shedding Useless Gadgets And Conventions
• Bidding On Filth
• Grassing Up Wrongdoers 
• Calling A Spade A Spade
• Morton's Fork And Other Coups
• Digging Out Results The Hard Way
• Hedging One's Bets
• Getting The Dirt On Troublesome Members
• Turfing Out Cheats And Coffee-housers
• Axing Your Way To Success
• How To Avoid Becoming A Cropper
• The Forbidden Art Of Fielding Psyches
• Rooting Out The Nasties     

CHRISTMAS CAROL ...... ( Part 2 )

Back in bed again Bigot spent the next hour tossing.....and turning.....but to no avail. As hard as he tried he could not get to sleep.Then precisely at 4 o'clock another apparition appeared dressed up like the grim reaper. Bigot went stiff with fear.
" I have come for you Bigot-Johnson. I am the ghost of Christmas future.....and I am here to reveal what fate awaits you. "
" Oh no, does that mean I'm about to be caught out by the police over that consignment of viagra tablets I stole ? Well....I'm not that worried......I've got enough evidence that will surely stand up in court to prove my innocence "
" Or perhaps your guilt ? ....Anyway enough of this nonsense......you are about to see your end "
Bigot was devastated over such a prospect , but the ghost showed him no mercy as he took Bigot to a cemetery. He saw himself being thrown into a large eight foot hole to be buried alive under  tons of paper, which listed all the wrongdoings he committed at the bridge table, and terrible things he did to members of his own club. Box load after box load of papers rained on top of him : death at the hands of those who he had wrongfully expelled from the Slaughter House. Struggling to breathe, he was getting hot and agitated.  Sweat oozed from every pore in his body. 


Dr. John now looked looked very perturbed and concerned.
" Bigot ....when I count to 3 and click my fingers you will wake up and forget everything.....one....two....three....... ( click of fingers ) "
" Where am I.....who are you......what am I doing here ? "
" You are in my surgery......I'm Dr. John your psycho-therapist......and you are undergoing my radically new hypnosis therapy. I have been exploring the dark corners of your subconscious mind......finding burning issues you have left unresolved.......uncovering all those powerful emotions and feelings you have chosen to bury away.......my God man........you seem haunted by so many ghosts ? "
" Oh dear.....yet these ghosts you speak of mean something to me.....I have a sense of needing to be a better and more caring person "
" No chance of that.....for you Bigot are beyond help.....beyond redemption and beyond hope..........you are, and will continue to be.....a vile, nasty, amoral inhuman being.......and this session of course will knock you back £60 "
" What......you're nothing more than a thieving charlatan.....and I'll pay you £20 .....and not a penny more ! "
" But it's Christmas "
" Christmas... bah....humbug.....it means nothing to me.....so here's your money....I'm off you bugger .....there are pantopods out there that need stuffing...."
   

  

A CHRISTMAS CAROL THE LIKES YOU'VE NEVER COME ACROSS BEFORE........ ( An abridged version of a Dicken's classic as retold by Pun )

Just as Bigot reached his front door of his home he heard a clanging noise behind him. He quickly turned round and there standing before him, draped and manacled in chains,  was Pantopod, whose dead body should still be weighted down at the bottom of the lake. 
" I've been waiting for you Bigot.....where have you been this Christmas Eve night ? "
" I've spent whole night down at the Fawcett Inn, the house of ill repute " 
" Heavens above Bigot....what sort of place is that ? "
" Liquor in the front.....and poker in the rear ! "
" Well, enough of the pleasantries......I'm here on a mission.....and that is to give you a warning about what you are going to experience later......... when the bells toll for thee at midnight "
 But before Bigot could say " sod off ", the haunting apparition of his first ever victim suddenly evaporated  from view. 
Once inside his house he quickly jumped into bed to contemplate what to do with his huge collection of french letters. Despite having the central heating on at full blast, the air turned icy cold, and emerging from the vapours of a strange white mist appeared the ghost of Christmas past. The spectre reached out grabbed his hand,  transporting Bigot back to the days when he was an up and coming young bridge player, enjoying his time with lots of friends and admirers. They were laughing and joking at the numerous gifts the wooden tops kept showering upon them.
" I remember all that ..."
"Ah...but do you remember the day a young lady asked you to be her partner ? "
" Yes.......and I declined because she wasn't up to my standard "
" No....you are wrong....you turned her down her because of your sexist, anti-female attitudes. Well, guess what....she turned out to be Britain's finest player , and if you had partnered her you  would gone on to win every major tournament,  competing on the world's stage for years to come . "
" Bugger "
And on that bitter realization of what might have been, Bigot then found himself back in his bed racked with resentment and regret.
Then as the bell tolled 2 o'clock another ghost appeared. Bigot gave a little scream and a jerk, and so relieved himself. 
" Enough of that.......I am the ghost of Christmas present and I want to take you on a journey of self-discovery ....."
" Where are we going ? "
" To the Pantopod house to see how the wife is coping without a husband, and the children without their father "
Within seconds Bigot was inside their front room, a hovel of a place, with just a solitary present
at the base of a small limp, dying Christmas tree. A photograph of poor Percy hung from the wall taken days before he mysteriously disappeared. He couldn't help but notice the deep psychological scars on his tormented and tortured face. Here was a man he had mentally crippled by his relentless bullying and harassment at the table, before deciding to do him in. 
The place was full of sadness and sorrow with the children still grieving for their beloved father.
" I can take no more.....please get me away from here......I beg you "
Instantly , Bigot was transported to the house of the world finest lady player , who was having a high stakes rubber bridge party with some the best names known in the world of bridge today.
" I knew one chap " ,she said, " who turned down me as his partner. What a player he could have been if he hadn't chosen to team up with Freddy Flywheel. They resorted to underhand tactics and cheating to win low ranking competitions. From that point on he lost the ability to enjoy his bridge, and to develop his obvious talent. By allowing a " win-at-any-cost " mentality to take over....he allowed his game to suffer. "
Bigot sighed.

( Part 2 to follow tomorrow )
   
    

               

YOU KNOW YOU'RE OVER THE HILL WHEN YOUR OPPONENTS........
-  walk away from your table completely embarrassed by being gifted three tops in a row
-  concerned by your inability to play card place their fingers on your wrist to feel for a pulse
-  at the start of the session offer up their sitting seats because they feel your need is greater than theirs
- start to announce what card has been played from their hands
- compliment you on your last week's score of 50%
- ask the TD for an aerosol air freshener 
- choose not to double your overbid sham, happy in the knowledge a top is already in the bag
- generously allow you to look back at which cards have played
- decide to keep their bidding dead simple for fear of having to explain everything over and over again
- are completely taken back by the fact you are still able to fan out or hold up 13 cards
- go to great lengths not to get you over-excited, annoyed, upset or anxious 
- start to use sign language as an essential communication aid in conversation with you
- once inferior to yourself arrive at your table full of optimism and confidence 

BRIDGE CLUB SCANDAL AT THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE : MEMBERS SUCCUMB TO ALL KINDS OF INSECT INFESTATION...........
( Bullet points by Pun )

- Top players compete over claim of being " the bee's knees " 
- Nervous newcomers sit down to play duplicate with butterflies in their stomachs
- Berated partners leave the premises with fleas in their ears
- Male members return from the toilets exposing their flies
- Feuding players choose to slug it out
- Committee members get heavily involved in a hive of illegal activities
- Whistle-blowers' complaints open up a can of worms
- Club secretary in self denial claiming " there are no flies on me "
- A paranoid Bigot-Johnson places surveillance bugs all over the premises
- Alleged financial malpractice stirs up a hornet's nest
- Nit picking members scurry around with bees in their bonnets
- Absence of natural justice louses up a disciplinary hearing big time
- Bigot unable to worm his way out of trouble concerning corruption charges
- Unbelievable number of reports come in about flies on the wall