Friday, 31 October 2014


" Which bloody idiot forgot to bring along the elephant pooper scooper !  "  

Thursday, 30 October 2014

BIGOT REVEALS HIS TRUE COLOURS...... namely black and shocking red

Tuesday, 28 October 2014

( Article by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

As with any abstract concept definitions are numerous and varied. Generally terms of reference are needed , but the words used in any such terms are themselves open to alternative interpretations and differences in meaning.
In all aspects of life when wrongs have been committed corrective and/or retributive justice is called for, demanding both reparation and punishment proportionate to the damage inflicted. Clearly , a fixed penalty approach ( as in zero tolerance policies ) can never fulfil the requirements of justice, since one needs to take into account all the background circumstances, as well as the intentions and motives of the accused. If identical scenarios rarely exist then why have identical penalties and outcomes. Each case has to be judged on its merits no matter how time consuming that might be. For instance , unlawful killing of a person should never give rise to a murder charge , when the accused was only acting in self-defence. 
When punitive justice is handed out the differences in opinion as to its appropriateness depends of course from whose perspective is involved. Society's as a whole ? The victim's  ? The offender's  ?  Whose views should take priority , and can these views ever be reconciled ?
As Gibran once pointed out we are jointly guilty of another's person's crime in that we are all members of a society that helped determine and shape the accused personality and behaviour. A heartless society breeds heartless people. So as a consequence society is responsible for the crimes committed by bitter, poisoned and desperate victims of that society. Therefore the actual victim of a robbery say, who is also a member of that society ,  must take on board some responsibility for his own misfortune and pain.  
For me justice requires the equal treatment of equals , and campaigns for justice should be campaigns for equality for previously disadvantaged groups. Since all individuals are not relevantly equal, attempts must be made to discriminate one group from another , so that compassionate justice can prevail. However, within that group the only distinctions which can take place must be based on the particular circumstances of the case....but not on who that person happens to be.
Not so long ago a former long serving member was permanently excluded from the club for making joking remarks about the application process.  But this was not justice when one considers the temporary ban handed out to a member who committed a serious assault on another. The reality appears to be that when personal prejudice and bias enter the room , justice simply flies out the window.   


( The scene is the club bar room after the duplicate session is over . Two distraught and dejected members exchange their innermost feelings about their appalling night at the tables. )

John : That's it......I've had I'm sorry to say partner ...... I'm finished with this bloody infuriating game for once and for all
Paul : I know exactly how you feel . I don't know why we waste our time playing a game that serves up so much injustice. Every week we come back with a wretched score card which pushes over national grade rankings down even further 
John : Well, I'm definitely calling it it's best if you find yourself another partner
Paul : I'm not game is never likely to improve....and what's more I'm dead certain that no other member will want to partner me 
( At this point Paul walks out of the club , but not before ripping up his score card and throwing his membership card into the waste bin . Seconds later another club member walks into the bar room. )
Rex : What's up with him ?
John : He's giving up the game.....he's done with bridge and looking to take up line dancing
Rex : So does that mean you have no partner for next week
John : You could say that....
Rex : Well, I'm looking for a partner for tomorrow night....I don't suppose you're available ?
John : Oh....well as it happens I am yes....I would love to partner you for a game

THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY ....... ( By Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

  • Whoever said all men and women are created equal never joined a bridge club 
  •  You can always recognise a bridge player, for only he or she can turn a minor  disappointment into a catastrophe and a small mishap into a crisis 
  •  All too often lady bridge players end up with self-proclaimed Mr. Rights only to  discover  that they share the same first name.... " Always " .    

Friday, 24 October 2014


Lawyer : So let me get this attended the club's AGM with over a 100 members present.... but no one saw you ?
Elephant : That is correct
Lawyer : And you sat in the middle of the room and made several trumpeting noises which no one heard ?
Elephant : Correct.....
Lawyer :  That is truly remarkable ! 
Elephant : Well, it's happened many times before
Lawyer : I'm completely lost for words
Elephant : Me too......

Thursday, 23 October 2014


( As the purge in the Slaughter House BC gathers more momentum ,  even those with landed titles are now victims of Bigot's anti-pantopod crusade. Having sneezed out loud, in front of an opponent with an acute germ phobia , Lady Pantopod was dragged before a disciplinary to face her fate. A life ban. Not surprising she decided to sue the chairman, Bigot -Johnson , for wrongful expulsion, demanding reinstatement and damages. Bigot as usual decided to conduct his own defence , relying on a philosophical argument to win the day. )  

Counsel for the plaintiff (CP ) : Bigot I ACCUSE YOU of acting as accuser , judge and jury in what can only be described as the most shameful and scandalous episode in the club's infamous history....
B-J : Her aristocratic face didn't fit. Nobody liked the self-righteous, up-her-own-arse, sanctimonious, nit-picking , snotty nosed , germ ridden snob 
Judge : Do I take it the Lady was not present at her disciplinary hearing ? 
B-J : Too damn right......she wasn't......hells bells.....there's was no point. Christ almighty no one at the club wanted her around. She had the looks and charisma of a sewer rat 
Judge : But every member, irrespective of age, gender , background , class, and race, has basic rights to attend an unbiased hearing...... as laid down by the club's constitution and/or the law of the land  
B-J : Well, let me tell you your Honour that real justice is that preached by those who believe in utilitarianism. In other words any decision matter how it is fully justified and vindicated if it enables the majority to benefit , whilst at the same time minimised the pain experienced by the few. Indeed , all the club members rejoiced at the prospect of never having to see that posh, pompous  bitch again.  
Judge : Ah...I see that you have read J.S. Mills great work on this topic. Moreover , I noticed that in your evidence how you obtained a near 100% approval of your decision at an AGM to establish some justification for your utilitarian-based decision to expel the good Lady......but unfortunately for you the whole concept is flawed.
B-J : can't makes perfect sense. Actions are judged by their consequences , and the amount of pleasure all the club members derived from her expulsion was immense. Our aim has always been to maximise the greatest happiness for our members , and this was achieved when she was booted out. The utilitarian creed is widely accepted as the foundation rock on which all rational and moral judgements can be made. 
Judge : But as I said before.....the creed is flawed. Firstly , how can you claim happiness as an outcome given the fact that most bridge players are , and always will be , apathetic ,  morose , miserable , grumpy , cantankerous anti-social misfits..... at the best of times.....who don't give a hoot about anything other than the next hand of cards coming up. Secondly , there is still the issue of unfairness in that ruthlessly carving up an innocent member just to appease a small baying lynch mob doesn't make your action fair. For instance , slavery was an unjust, cruel and evil institution , which by all accounts didn't worry or concern the ruling white majority at the time a single jot. But the most damning argument against utilitarianism is the creed's one-sidedness., which suggests that morality is best analysed entirely by people's actions and their consequences. This approach , of course , completely overlooks the more important elements of motives and intentions. These I your case....were malicious and self-serving......and it is on those grounds I find for the plaintiff.
PC :  Hoo-rah for the judge
B-J : Bugger.....bugger.....bugger    

ANOTHER NEARLY TRUE Bridgemeister Gibson

Poor old George. Always down at the club every night, he was the eternal optimist. Not once did he waiver in his belief that one day he would finish alongside the leading scorers. But he never did. George's bidding was woefully poor, and his declarer play was wooden at best. Nevertheless on his last outing to the club gifts kept coming his way , and these provided him with enough good scores to lift him to a respectable fourth. Sadly, the excitement of it all proved too much for his weak heart , and he dropped dead the moment he saw the printed results. 
The following day his wife , who was also a bridge player , went down to the mortuary to identify the body. However when she got there the attendant had muddled up the labels. In desperation he showed her three bodies of elderly men ,  but none of them was George.
" Oh dear " , came the exasperated and despairing reply ,  " so like George......still unable to make it into the first three ! "     

Wednesday, 22 October 2014

HAVE I MISSED SOMETHING OR DID EVERYONE ELSE ? .......  (Article by Johnny Supremo )

Last night on board 24 ,  I elected to bid 5H over the opponents' 5C. Partner frowned clearly annoyed at being denied a confident double. Needless to say the contract went 2 down for minus 300,  which I thought was a decent save against a certain game in either no trumps or clubs. 
" But 5C by East can't make no matter what card I lead ! " protested partner. And the opponents also agreed , convinced they had a loser in clubs, hearts and diamonds. Even the computer prediction suggested only 10 tricks were possible. So am I missing something or is everyone else missing the obvious .....a simple squeeze is on if diamonds are not attacked straightaway.
Let's assume my partner would automatically lead out her Ace of hearts , followed by a low one. This lets the opponents in with the King to seize control. Trumps would cleared in three rounds with the loss of a trick to my partner's Ace. A belated diamond switch should then be by taken by West's King to set up the simple squeeze position. Declarer must resist the the temptation of ruffing the losing heart because this is the all important precious squeeze card. 
At trick 7 declarer should rattle off two more rounds of clubs and his 2 top spades. Dummy's remaining three cards will be the QS, H4 and D5.  Poor North . Left to guard both hearts and diamonds , he is obliged to throw in the towel when at trick eleven West is put in with his master spade. Five clubs bid and made on a simple squeeze. 
Maybe I was wrong to bid 5C , but let's face it I had no defensive tricks, and I could envisage partner leading out the heart Ace followed by low one. Would my opponents be up to the task of making the contract after such a helpful start I just don't know.        


Sunday, 19 October 2014


Written by Percy Pantopod this play is about a small town club committee being taken over one by one by rhinoceroses. This bizarre story stands alongside the many other classics which all salute the theatre of the absurd. Heavily based on Eugene Ionesco's original masterpiece Rhinoceros , this too could be read and interpreted as a response and criticism to the sudden upsurge in totalitarianism , taking place in both fascist and communist states.  
Pantopod's adaptation clearly mirror's Eugene's plot, except for the fact it focuses on committee members of a small town social club who ,  with the exception of one called Naismith , metamorphose into belligerent and bullying rhinoceroses. In one scene the following conversation takes place :

Naismith : My God man whatever's the matter with your skin ?
Rhinoman : Can't you leave my skin alone ? I certainly wouldn't to change it for yours
Naismith : It's gone like leather
Rhinoman : That makes it more solid. It's weatherproof. It's insult proof. Barbed words and pointed remarks don't affect me.
Naismith : But your skin is a horrible battleship grey
Rhinoman : It matches the colour of my hair. Why it's a colour that goes with anything.It's beautifully neutral.
Naismith : But what about that protruding horn on the top of your head ?
Rhinoman : It's a visible symbol of my power and strength. Something that makes ordinary club members toe the line and show us respect.
Naismith : Surely you don't consider this transformation as being natural ?
Rhinoman : What could be more natural than a rhinoceros
Naismith : Yes, but for a committee member to turn into a rhinoceros is abnormal beyond question
Rhinoman : Well, that sir , is a matter iof opinion on which we must disagree.

In Pantopod's play, once the rhinoceroses get firmly established onto the committee, they proceed to trample through any remaining protocols and procedures. In another scene the author shows us the transformation of an committee member into a beast, who knows he must " move with the times ". Familiar arguments are marshalled on behalf of the rhinoceros : " It's just a question of personal preference. One must make an effort to understand. To understand is to justify. " In the final scene, the one remaining ordinary committee member is forced to acknowledge his fate in that that defiance means certain death. 
Indeed , this rather alarming and dark play is nothing more than a commentary on the absurdity of the Human condition made tolerable only by delusion. The Day Of The Rhinos shows us yet again the struggle of the individual to maintain his integrity and identity in a world where others have succumbed to the " beauty " of brute force, natural energy, and mindlessness. 

Saturday, 18 October 2014


  • Never Reveal The Secrets Of Your Bridge Success...........Chantelle Hassoll
  • Partner I Think I've Had One Too Many Gins.........................Kay Lyde
  • That Man Cheats With Sublime Skill And Cunning...............Shay D. Ashell
  • We Need To Set Up A Legal Fighting Fund..........................Casey Sousus
  • The Way He Leers At His Female Partner ...........................Phil Theegitt
  • I Really Think This Committee Is Up To No Good.................Ivan Hinklin
  • He Took One Too Many Liberties With His Lady Partner....Father Daychild
  • The Number Of Times I've Laid Into My Partner....................Dick Sowshaw
  • Partner , All Our Opponents Are Top Class Players.............Annie Hope Forres
  • Today I Played So Well Today  I Was Shining .....................Ray D. Antley 
  • As A Player I'm So Touchy And Temperamental..................Ivor Wright-Temper
  • Yes, And I'm Also Capable Of Having An Outburst..............Paddy Thrower 
  • My Partner Is On The Verge Of Losing It Completely...........Neil Lee Mannick
  • If My Partner Loses His Rag There'll Be Hell To Pay...........Willie Auldback 
  • The Committee Are Really Out To Get Me I'm Sure.............R. U. Bothard

Friday, 17 October 2014


( In a packed dimly lit committee room decked out to like a court , the chairman takes 
his position on the bench dressed in a kangaroo suit. All those in attendance stand up to give him a raised right arm salute. )

Chairman ( C ) : Whose next on the list for being expelled ?
Secretary : Just another irritating pantopod....
Pantopod ( P ) : Hold on a mo.....I haven't been found guilty of anything 
C : So I take it you want go through with this pretence of a hearing ?
P : Yes...
C : This is a great inconvenience.......something I am obliged to take note off in my little black book
P : Anyway....what am I being accused off ?
C : Viciously assaulting a card table with beastly intent......with a large heavy object , namely a bridgemate
P : Yes....I can recall that instance when I plonked the object down in a rather carefree way
C : Well....the table didn't take too kindly to your flippant attitude
P : This is ridiculous can a card table have feelings and thoughts ?
C : Call up the key witness
( At this point a card table is carried over to the witness stand accompanied by a little man dressed as a tree )
C : Card table.....through your interpreter ....please tell the committee how you reacted when the bridgemate suddenly crash landed on your smooth and polished top
( The tree bends over to place his ears close to the table top )
Interpreter ( I )  : Witness says.... he flinched......because the force of the blow really hurt him......the pain was awful
C : Has the witness ever been the same since ?
I : Witness says.....No.....he still has a small dent which has clearly damaged his good looks .....not to mention the permanent scuff mark that surrounds it. The whole experience has left him an emotional and psychological wreck !
C : I've heard enough.....someone take this horribly damaged witness away, and throw it into the skip    
P : What the hell is going on here ? .....the witness is an inanimate object .....devoid of life and intelligence.... utterly incapable of communicating anything 
C: My God just heard the table giving evidence
P : But the interpreter is one of your lackeys......he was reading straight from a script
C : How dare you suggest that the evidence was not up to scratch.....being nothing more than a complete tissue of lies......why if this was a real court then I would hold you in beneath contempt will have to do
P : I'm completely flabbergasted ...totally speechless !
C : Well, we're not......and so my original decision to have you expelled still pantopod are no longer a member of this club...... ah..... time's running short..... who's next on the list ? 

Wednesday, 15 October 2014


In a word ...Yes.....because the very moment members walk into their clubs, they cease to be themselves.
As soon as the first hand is played ,  the mild mannered Dr. Jekylls suddenly into the monstrous Mr. Hydes. No devastating or highly dangerous personality changing drugs are responsible for this phenomenon. It's the nature of the stage they find themselves upon. With everyone seemingly out to get them , including their partners , they allow their inner demons to take control in order to survive and conquer. This irrational and illogical approach to life at bridge tables , turn the spectacle of a duplicate into a surreal and absurd showdown. 
Then of course we have the self-proclaimed leading actors : the massively egotistical prima donnas, who strut about the stage full of their own self-importance and notions of grandeur. They gather together large audiences, who are then subjected to lengthy monologues about their triumphs , coups and master plays . It is this form of drama which emphasises the absurdity of human existence , as these disjointed , delusional individuals engage in endless, repetitious and meaningless monologues. 
Finally , we come to the rest of the cast who inevitably take on the roles of animals, mostly sheep , mice and furry little rabbits. These minor role characters seem happy to participate in what is for them a pointless and confusing exercise , where as extras they are simply there to make up the numbers. They fail to see the reality of their hopeless and futile pursuit for glory. In a normal world, logical thinking would tell them " there's no point carrying it's best to quit ". But their dogged perseverance to chase lost causes once again demonstrates the irrational and illogical behaviour of those who are happy to continue the misery of losing at bridge.
With naturalistic conventions of plot and characterisation so completely ignored or distorted in these bridge arenas , one can not escape the conclusion that bridge clubs really are theatres of the absurd. 
CULTURE CORNER ......( Poems by Dr.Sigmund T. Schukelgruber )

He partnered curvy Mabel
The pace was fast and furious
He slid beneath the table
Not drunk 
But merely curious

He partnered Sexy Sadie
She was a very canny chick
No daily rate
No hourly fee
She just charged him by the trick

He partnered sharp-tongued Susie
It was an act of reckless folly
Slating him
At every turn
She made him look a wally

He partnered frigid Freida
A woman he wanted to bed
But being as ass
He made a pass
So she knifed him in the head

Tuesday, 14 October 2014


Dr. J : So you believe that in one of your former lives... you were none other but the infamous Sir Francis Dashwood.......owner and founder of the notorious Hell Fire Club
B-J: The very man....
Dr.J : So you obviously believe in re-incarnation ?
B-J : Indeed I do......indeed I do
Dr.J : And what are you hoping to be in your next after-life ?  A world class bridge expert revered and respected by all your peers ?
B-J : Unfortunately not.....I'm down to be an insect
Dr.J : An insect.......that's's too horrible to think about
B-J : Oh .....far from it.....the experience is one I'm going to relish.......being a fly on a wall..... humping unsuspecting between bouts of spying on others
Dr.J : Bigot ..... it seems the spirit of SIr Francis Dashwood will never leave you  
B-J :'re absolutely right 
A POTTED HISTORY OF RECENT EVENTS AT THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC IN EXACTLY 24 WORDS ............( A cute little poem by Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber )

As another poor pantopod bites the dust

Sunday, 5 October 2014


Wednesday, 1 October 2014

FOOLPROOF WAY............

The other night the Northern Pro was giving his partner a right good bollocking for going down in 4H. On a club lead the careless South took a losing heart finesse. Then , on regaining the lead with a second club , he immediately cleared hearts by playing his Ace, only to take a losing diamond finesse. The obvious spade switch by East sealed his fate.
The Northern Pro of course told his hapless partner in no uncertain terms the error of his ways. " Clearly West , by his take out double , has most of the outstanding HCPs with at least 8 or 9 cards in the black suits.....and therefore short in both red suits. By playing off the Ace of Hearts at trick two, followed by the other top club and both top diamonds, everything is set up to make the contract. Simply throw West in with his king of hearts. Even if he holds the diamond queen there's no risk whatsoever of losing two spades. Either West gives up a spade to your king , or plays a club providing you with a ruff and spade discard from hand. "
At this point Johnny stepped in to correct the Northern Pro. " But what if East turns with the King of hearts. The defence now has a simple task of taking their two spade winners along with the established queen of diamonds !  The safer option is to play the Ace of hearts at trick 2 followed by the queen. It doesn't matter now who holds the king. If it is East , he'll certainly shift to a spade, and so any spade continuation allows you to pitch a losing diamond from hand. If West does turn up with the king he can not harm you with a diamond switch.  By playing on spades yourself ,  the third spade can easily be set up in time for the diamond discard. Why take unnecessary risks ? "
The Northern Pro was not amused , but his partner couldn't help but smile .