Wednesday, 30 January 2013

TOXIC TED GOES BALLISTIC........ ( A sad and sorry tale about a careless discard at trick 1 )

It was a tense, highly charged first division match ( teams of four aggregate scoring ), and when Ted's partner went down one in a 3NT contract " Toxic " couldn't restrain himself. His screaming tirade of vitriolic abuse echoed around all the rooms and corridors of the Slaughter House BC. 
Ted's dummy hand was :  KJ7654 .....1097........Kx......xx
Declarer's hand was :        (void) .......KQ8x.....AQx.....AKQ1098 
On the lead of the 10 of spades, the jack was played from dummy covered by East's queen,  but declarer discarded a heart  perhaps falling victim to magical thinking. East switched to a heart, with declarer's king taken by West's Ace. At this point the defence appeared to go astray  when a small heart back was played back at trick 3...... but no. Although this allowed declarer to pick up East's jack of hearts providing him with 2 tricks in that suit , the clubs failed to break  ( West holding 4 to the jack ). Declarer had no other option but to concede a club, allowing West to push through a killing low spade with East holding A8 over dummy's K7. 
Deciphering constructive criticism from Toxic's loud and lengthy rant was difficult but the gist of it was this :
  • On the inevitable 3 rounds of spades , declarer would have to discard a club anyway
  • So why not do it at trick one giving himself an extra chance of making the contract,  by way of 3C, 3D and 3 hearts ( this required East to have Jx or Jxx in hearts )
  • If a club had been discarded at trick one, East would still be obliged to switch to hearts to put his partner back in. Now the heart return would have provided declarer with his 9 tricks.
  • So assuming a sensible West would switch back to spades, all declarer has to do is cover the card in dummy,  restricting East to his two winners, leaving declarer now the problem of which suit to discard ? 
  • Will clubs run ? Or will the jack of hearts be in the right place ?
  • Table presence and intuition might well determine the answer, but whatever choice was to be made it was still criminal to discard a heart at trick one.
Even Bigot felt obliged to reprimand " Toxic " with a 3 month suspension for his outrageous behaviour, but Ted didn't care as it gave him plenty of time to find and train up a new partner. 

Tuesday, 29 January 2013


Forever cursing the day Bigot took up competitive bridge, his much abandoned wife had reached the end of her tether waiting for him to come back from the club. The law had to be laid down in no uncertain terms : bridge was to be severely rationed .
Well, a week ago Bigot went out as usual to take on one of his classes for a few extra quid. Expected him home around 6 pm, to be taken out for an evening meal, Bigot failed to appear.
Unable to resist another three hours of glorious bridge,  he had stayed on for the evening session having been offered the chance to partner the club's top player. Arriving home about midnight, he sneaked in by the back door hoping to make it to the spare bedroom without being noticed. No such luck. She who must be obeyed was standing at the top of the stairs, rolling pin in hand, and frothing at the mouth.
" Where the bloody hell have you been ? " 
Bigot, shocked and shaken with guilt written all over his face, decided to unleash the mother of all excuses.
" I'm so so sorry, darling....I done a terrible thing.....but I want to come clean about it.....forgive me please........On my way home I saw this young gorgeous looking, buxom blonde on the side of the road, struggling to jack her car up to change a flat tyre. Naturally, I felt obliged to offer her some assistance. It wasn't long before the job was done and the spare wheel fitted. However, just as I was about to bid farewell, she invited me back to her place for a thank you cup and coffee and biscuits. How could I say no ?  Regretfully, one thing led to another and we ended up in bed making passionate love the whole evening, getting into positions I once thought were impossible. The sex was magnificent.....but I am so sorry..... I allowed my inner demons to take control. I beg for your forgiveness....."
Bigot's wife looked at him long and hard before a flicker of a smile crossed her face.
" Thank God for that....Thank God....because if I thought for a minute you had been playing bridge....then all hell would have broken loose ! "


Saturday, 26 January 2013


Bigot-Johnson, maverick chairman and owner of the Slaughter House Bridge Club, had for several months binned letters from the local council.....all unopened. Most of them were litter abatement notices from the EPD, which required the manager and/or owner of the club to clear the land of litter and refuse. Prohibitions were then sent later to stop members in the future from defacing the property with litter. Bigot of course elected to represent himself, and the other committee members. A short extract from the trial's transcript appears below.

Prosecutor ( P ) : are charged with contravention of section 92 of the Environmental Protection Act
B-J : Never heard of such an Act......or what it says........ I run a private members club, and as far as I know I can do what I like on my own land 
P : No so....where litter is concerned. Your club falls under the jurisdiction of the Act because it has the status of being an educational institution, given the dozens of rip-off bridge classes you run for personal profit and gain. But what is most shocking is the amount of paper litter strewn all over the club's expansive gardens, making the property a haven for rats and vermin
B-J : What litter ?.................And I can't help it if members of my club spend all their time scurrying about in dark corners
P : Well, your premises has been under observation for several months, and it's common practice for players, when they leave the building, to rip up their score cards in utter disgust, scattering the pieces everywhere
B-J : Too bloody right they do.....who in their right minds would want to leave evidence lying around about their complete inadequacy and ineptitude at the game.....just for others to read and have a jolly good laugh  
P : Then why don't you provide bins inside the club ?
B-J : We do.....but they're all full to the brim with nasty letters of complaint about me, and the shenanigans of the committee  ......Anyway, since members are told not to discard remnants of their miserable scorecards on the floor.......they simply do the business outside
P : So why not provide them with bins outside the building ?
B-J: We would do if it wasn't for the fact that members would nick'em to use as garden plant pots
P : Well, whatever limp excuses you come up with they will be to no avail. Creating litter is a strict liability crime, and by ignoring these abatement and prohibition notices you have rendered yourself..... in the eyes of the law......... a complete tearaway and rogue
B-J : Oh.....but how was I to know what was in these letters ?
P : By slitting them open....
B-J : If only I had the time.....I'm far too busy shredding incriminating documents about what I and committee members get up to 
P : My God !
B-J : My God indeed.....I need to split.....I'm down to play in this afternoon's duplicate against a load of bunnies and numpties
Judge : Yes....of course you can go......but only after parting with £5000 to pay for the fine I'm about to impose upon you
B-J : Bugger.....         

Thursday, 24 January 2013


Yes, the bridge book that is destined to be the world's best seller has now finally come to fruition after several years of toil and sweat. Bigot Johnson, the  editor and creator of the infamous " Bad Bridge " magazine,  has produced what many are calling " amazing, utterly unbelievable ......groundbreaking material ". A treasury of ideas and advice based upon his vast experience, cunning and wisdom.
This is a book which can turn mere insignificant mortals into bridge legends. This is a book about how to dedicate your life to bridge, how to win at this game without necessarily having a single shred of ability, and how to survive in high octane, intense encounters of the third kind. This is a book for guilt ridden, overly timid, bunnies.
Its contents include :

  • How to needle opponents into losing their focus and concentration
  • How to watch your partner go down in a stone cold contract but still hold your composure
  • How to still earn praise and admiration from others when you fail to make a contract 
  • How to rationalise wasting 20 or more hours a week playing bridge
  • How to rationalise spending even more hours a week on reading and discussing bridge related topics 
  • How to communicate secretly with partner without the opponents ever knowing or suspecting
  • How to hog the bidding when partnering a complete woodentop 
  • How to keep your bridge widow of a wife reasonably contented
  • How to develop a thick skin and a sharp tongue
  • How to manipulate TDs to (a) accept your version of the disputed facts, (b) take your side in the dispute, and (c) award you a more than favourable ruling
  • How to dump unwarranted partners who refuse to go of their own accord
  • How to read the flight path of a fast approaching flying bridgemates and take evasive action
  • How to tune your hearing into table conversations taking place several yards away
  • How to get a really bad board scrubbed from the scoring,  by clever sleight of hand card replacement
  • How to persuade the best players to take up your sponsorship offers  
  • How to appear a far better player than you really are
  • How to adopt proper etiquette when it clearly pays you to do so 
  • How to successfully defend yourself at disciplinary hearings      

Wednesday, 23 January 2013

HAPPINESS IN BRIDGE.........( Article by Carp )

Strange as it may seem, bridge players are looked upon as a whinging, forlorn, downcast, miserable,  bunch of sour losers, given the expressions on their faces as they exit another tournament with little to cheer about. Indeed, bridge was once defined as " the most fun a person can have without laughing ". 
Nevertheless, I see bridge players with happy faces wherever I look, but I do acknowledge there are varying degrees of happiness..... from a flicker of joy to sustained merriment. Happiness is such an abstract concept,  it is very difficult to give a precise definition. However, one can be precise about what we observe at the bridge table. By studying players' stereo-typical table behaviour, one can start to unravel the true meaning of this word.

  • A smile can sometimes start the proceedings, being nothing more than a whiff of optimism as a player sits down with his partner to play the first board 
  • A fixed, feigned or fake smile religiously occurs when greeting new opponents 
  • A grin usually occurs when a finesse works, or when trumps break favourably
  • A hee-haw takes place when the opponents squander an advantage handed to them earlier on    
  • A chuckle occurs when for the first time an attempted squeeze actually comes off
  • A snicker occurs when an opponent's silly mistake hands you an easy top
  • A guffaw occurs when an opponent allows you to make a singleton two of trumps 
  • A smirk takes place when a player sticks one across his closest challenger , ex-partner, or club expert
  • Crowing occurs when one good score is followed by another....and another 
  • Repeated hoots of joy can be heard when yet another psych brings off a galactic top
  • Laughter occurs when an anti-percentage bid or play results in a rather fortuitous top
  • Huge belly laughs echo around the room when the opponents end up in a grand slam missing Aces and/or other key cards
  • Outrageous roars can be heard for miles when seemingly competent opponents self-destruct on 3 consecutive boards 
  • Extremely boisterous laughter occurs when successful players get together for a drink after the game to mock the unfortunate pairs who (a) made silly mistakes, (b) fell into cleverly laid traps, and (c) had good results converted by the TDs into bottoms for alleged breaches of the rules 
  • Uncontrolled rip-roaring laughter continues well into the night when a completely false and fabricated complaint to a TD gets the alleged offender ( a long sworn enemy ) removed from the competition or tournament 
So yes, happiness is there to be seen in the game of bridge if people just simply keep their eyes and ears open.     
( Many bridge players dismiss the concept of luck being a random factor, believing that good players make their own luck and therefore win on merit. But even in big tournaments no-hopers can have their day......and in such bizarre circumstances the only rational explanation can be     " What a pair of jammy bastards they are ! " . So here are a few well known " luck " idioms and phrases.....with appropriate definitions......which are commonly used by bridge players in the usual highly charged, bar room post mortems. )

  • Bad luck : the usual explanation given for going off in a cold contract ,or being well down the field
  • Good luck : a critical factor which is vehemently denied by unexpected winners, who have convinced themselves that success was born out of their superior ability and technique
  • Hard luck : what players are left with after they have tried their very best 
  • Beginner's luck : when an inexperienced player bids and plays like a prune only to triumph over top class experts
  • Lady luck : that annoying bitch of a woman who all too often sits on the shoulders of one's opponents 
  • Strike it lucky : when a random wild throw of a bridgemate unbelievably hits the person you hate the most
  • Push one's luck : what unscrupulous players will do when their cheating, filthy, low down signalling system continues to be both successful and undetected
  • Pot luck : when a random psych turns out to be highly profitable 
  • Devil's luck : what cheats expect to get in return for selling their souls to Satan
  • Chance one's luck : a blind or wild punt at a slam by a clueless but reckless bidder  


Monday, 21 January 2013


It is no accident that fairy tales have endured in Western civilization for many years. They are often viewed as a source of fundamental wisdom to some, and to others an insight to the weaknesses and failings of the human condition. Indeed, it is my contention that Goldilocks and bridge players have a great deal in common.  Several of my clients,  who come to me despairing of their lack of success but searching for answers, all have the classic symptoms of The Goldilocks Syndrome. These include :
(a) Failing to make the right initial choices. Time and time again their first bid or opening lead turns out to be the wrong choice. Consequently,  this constant pressing of the self-destruct button proves fatal,  and the victim gets repeatedly buried under an avalanche of horrendous bottoms. and below average scores.
(b) A perverse inability to take even basic precautions. Often, in playing a game contract it may be necessary to make appropriate safety plays, such as taking out trumps, eliminating side suits, and severing opponents' communications. By not recognizing or looking out for potential risks, GS sufferers ignore the idea of taking any precautions, and as a result they pay a heavy price when straightforward, easily makeable, contracts go off. 
(c) Pushing one's luck too far. In bridge, luck often plays a part in one's occasional moments of triumph and glory, but those with the Goldilocks Syndrome allow these rare episodes of good fortune to go to straight to their heads,  by drawing illogical conclusions. For instance, they start to associate winning with good luck, believing that's all they need to get by . So by relying on luck to obtain favourable results, they fail to focus on what is really needed to achieve success at this game: namely, talent, dedication, and hard work. 
So getting my clients out of the wood has never been easy task for me despite my expertise in the field. In fact,  more and more sufferers knock on my surgery door every week : half decent players who have eventually succumbed to bouts of impulsive, reckless and cavalier behaviour, as the Goldilocks child within them begins to break free.           


Sunday, 20 January 2013


  • Happiness : an agreeable sensation arising from heaping more and more misery upon hapless opponents 
  • Inflated ego : the stereotypical characteristic of most club players who annoyingly perceive themselves as accomplished players 
  • Super ( inflated ) ego : an advanced state of selfhood reached only by those players, who attain a ranking which is far and above their level of ability 
  • Complainants : players who take extreme umbrage when told a few home truths about themselves by others at the table
  • Re-enactment : a re-run of an unpleasant incident which allows the alleged offender a second opportunity to inflict even greater damage ( or injury ) to the unfortunate victim  
  • Disciplinary panel : members of the club, seemingly selected for their objectivity and impartiality, who conduct a hearing with a sentence in mind before any verdict is made    
  • Disciplinary hearing : a well chosen euphemism for a rubber stamp exercise and/or hatchet job
  • Afternoon duplicates : weekly club events where the standard of bridge matches the frailty and disability of those who attend 
  • Woodentop : an alternative choice of reference for a player usually described as " a plank "
  • Acol : a loose and undisciplined system of bidding, which imparts vague information about one's hand, where run-of-the-mill players end up relying on inspired guesswork or wild punts to reach high level contracts      

Saturday, 19 January 2013


Rather than fork out damages for breach of contract to wrongfully expelled club members, the committee thought it was cracking good idea to compensate them instead with suitable awards......something they could cherish and treasure for a long time. Examples include:

The Man Of Action award for the player who rather than tell the TD what he could do with his rule book proceeded to do it for him 
Red Baron award for the pilot whose flying bridgemates scored the most direct hits
The Embroidery award for having an uncanny knack of needling opponents at every table 
Brown Bear award for being the most bad tempered, grizzly individual in the club
The Spill The Beans award for revealing and exposing the shenanigans and dubious practices of the committee
Shut-The-Fuck-Up award for failing to keep quiet despite numerous requests and warnings 
Big Wooden Ladle award for constantly stirring up trouble through malicious gossip and false rumours
Foul Mouth Obscenity award for the player whose insults were (a) vulgar in the extreme, (b) blasphemous, or (c) loaded with unrepeatable expletives 
Both Barrels award for telling other members in no uncertain terms what filthy low down cheats they are
Voice Of the People award for being the club's leading critic, prepared to slag off people who others rate the same but are too fearful or reluctant to speak out against       

Friday, 18 January 2013


Up against Johnny Supremo's team in an open first division league match, Bigot was for once experiencing a measure of joy at the table. However, on one hand a big swing went the way of his opponents.
Bigot held x.....K9874....AKQxxx....x, while his partner came up with AKJxxx....AQ....xx....KQJ.
His first mistake was to open 1H and his second mistake was failing to convert his partner's call of 6H to 6NT.
With 6D and 6NT easy makes with diamonds behaving correctly, there were always 12 tricks for the taking  ( 6D, 3H, 2S, 1C ). Bigot desperately wanted to make this contract but failed after conceding a club to his LHO and a heart to his RHO,  who damn it all was dealt Jxxx in a flattish 3-4-2-4 distribution. 
Bemoaning the 4-2 break in hearts Bigot was inconsolable, but then became extremely incensed when Johnny quietly pointed out that as the cards lay,  a rare and wonderful opportunity had arisen to execute an exquisite trump coup.
On the Ace of clubs lead following by a spade switch, Bigot could ruff a small spade at trick 3, returning to dummy with a heart. Back to hand with the Ace of diamonds, then another top diamond, before going over to dummy again with a heart. Having noticed his LHO's heart 10 from a presumed doubleton, everything now relied upon dummy's remaining black cards all being good. So when the king of spades brought down the queen his LHO opponent was well and truly fixed. At some stage she would have to ruff a spade or club winner, which would then enable Bigot to over-ruff, pull her last trump, and claim the contract with nothing but diamond winners in his own hand.
" But why should I presume my LHO had 4 hearts? " asked the sore and whimpering Bigot.
" Well, my partner gave a honest and even count on her clubs at trick one, not to mention her high low doubleton count on diamonds, and her odd number count in spades. So with a highly probable 4-2 holding in the minors,  she had seven cards in the majors. So by dismissing the notion she had five spades,  she could have only started out with 3......which therefore means she had 4 hearts." 
" are a sickening smart-arse who does my head-in ! "
" are a sad git who cannot make obvious inferences or take constructive criticism. "   


Wednesday, 16 January 2013


Apart from the usual glut of trophies which as always will end up with the usual suspects, the club chairman has now introduced a whole load of compliance awards to reward those totally committed to upholding the hundreds of draconian sub-zero tolerance policy rules. These disciplinary initiatives of course have reshaped and reformed the club into one renown for its warm, welcoming and friendly atmosphere. 
Indeed, these compliance awards were created to inspire and motivate members to be on their best behaviour at all times,  no matter how difficult the circumstances may have been.

Biting One's Tongue award for the player who,  despite the annoying habits and relentless provocation by others, managed to hold his tongue and keep his emotions in check 
Turning The Other Cheek is an award for the person who fell victim to an unwarranted  assault, yet cast aside thoughts of retaliation only to put himself back into the firing line 
Goody Two-shoes award for the player who received the most nominations for his/her impeccable manners, sincerity and all round kindness
Uriah heap award for the club's biggest creep noted for his cloying humility and obsequiousness 
Wouldn't Say Boo To A Goose award for the player whose total silence was based on a crippling combination of timidity, hesitation and fear 
The Tommy award for the player who became so quiet other members were convinced he/she had become a deaf mute
Empty Personality award for the player who underwent the greatest change, by leaving behind his lively, boisterous, entertaining, colourful character to become an empty, bland, compliant shadow of his former self
Stand On Ceremony award for the most brainwashed player, who rigidly held onto protocol and formal manners as if his/her life depended upon it
The Arse Licking ( Brown Tongue ) award for the member who chose to obey all the SZTP rules in an attempt to win the praise, admiration and affection of the club's privileged elite
Sticks And Stones award for the victim of both psychological and physical bullying, who never once allowed " names " to hurt him..........only the well aimed flying bridgemates and fists   


Monday, 14 January 2013


(a) Sniffing and snorting are not only regarded as bad habits, but also a major noise distraction to others wishing to concentrate in a quiet and still environment.
(b) Sniffing the seats vacated by lady members is absolutely forbidden, irrespective of how severe one's compulsion to behave in a lewd and perverse way.
(c) Snorting will be regarded as aggressive and offensive behaviour, especially if accompanied by other bullish actions, such as rearing one's head, scraping the floor with one's foot and flaring one's nostrils.
(d) Sniffing, even when it is the consequence of failing to have a tissue or handkerchief to hand, will be deemed as a violation of rule 1568, which deals with the wanton and reckless disregard of the health ( and safety ) of other members. Turning up the club with some nasty contagious bug can only be viewed as planning an assault by means of germ warfare.  

Any breach of one or more of the above will result in an automatic 3 month suspension, unless the offending member agrees to attend 12 sessions ( cost £240 ) run by the more hoity toity members of the ruling committee on " good manners, etiquette,  personal hygiene and grooming ". 

Saturday, 12 January 2013

ANOTHER MIND NUMBING INCIDENT FROM INSIDE THE BENIGN BC USA......... ( where sub-zero tolerance policies have created a playing atmosphere of sickeningly false good naturedness and ingratiating politeness  )

North : see you making eight tricks filled me with great pleasure
South : But I was in 3S doubled !......And more to the point I should have made ten tricks
North : You mustn't beat yourself up like that....I'm damned relieved you weren't two off for minus five hundred
South : Indeed sir.....indeed.....and on that positive thought I must congratulate myself
North : I'm afraid you can't do that......according to ZT rule 2194 " it is deemed bad practice for players to congratulate themselves, or their partners,  for fear of offending their opponents, who might well be embarrassed having foolishly lobbed away tricks through their  inept, shameful and woeful play...." 
South : is wrong to be smug and jolly at another's misfortune.......because as it happened I'm pretty sure an agitated and troubled East revoked at trick 5
North : Did he.....I didn't notice that....
South : Well, I didn't want to call the director for fear of making an allegation that may have been incorrect .......and neither did I want to impose upon a director..... who was already run off his feet dealing with dozens of petty queries
North : How considerate of you....
East : Excuse me......but did I hear you say I might have revoked ?
South : Yes.....I'm very sorry if I was mistaken
East : Well, I suspect you may be right....I do tend to mix up my clubs with my spades.....I'm sure my eyesight is beginning to fail me...
South : Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that......but as for the revoke....that's all water under the bridge so to speak 
North : Yes, no use now crying over spilt milk......we've two more boards to play
East : Well, I must say that you two...... are without doubt....... both gentlemen and scholars 

Friday, 11 January 2013


Having dug a even bigger hole than before it came as no surprise when, after a vain attempt to refill it,  a huge mountain of soil was still left over. This monstrous and massive eyesore to the all those who lived nearby caused the council officers to investigate. Clearly, Bigot as chairman of the club had failed to apply for, and obtain, planning permission for this kind of excavation work. The council felt it had no option other than to bring charges against him for statutory offences listed under The Town and Country Planning Act. Bigot of course elected to defend himself. A short extract from the trial's transcript appears below.

Judge ( J ) : Will someone tell me in a nutshell what this case is all about ? I'm in a bit of a rush today.....
Prosecutor ( P ) : All manner of charges really....... culminating from this madman's insane desire to dig a massive big hole outside his club
J : Why did he do that ?
P : I've no bloody idea....but it could be down to the fact his brain is so full of holes he doesn't understand what he is doing
J : Well, it does seem to me that Bigot-Johnson is in a right hole here with so much weight of evidence against him
P : Yes, getting all this soil in the courtroom required four lorries, six men and eighteen hours of labour intensive work. 
J : evidence exhibit A it's quite impressive
B-J : I object to all this dirt being heaped on me ....the prosecution's tactics in my view have hit rock may seem to you that I've dug a hole for myself....but I do have one or two magical defences up my sleeve
J : I very much suspect Bigot whatever flimsy defence you come up with,  the prosecution will no doubt endeavour to pick holes in them 
B-J : Ah...but I still have my Ace in the hole...
P : Must we continue with all these silly " hole " references ? 
J : Excuse me.....but I'm having fun here......
B-J : Yes.....tell him to shut his cake-hole
J : Oh please tell the court what is this Ace in the hole ?
B-J : A card .....
J : Interesting....enlighten us more
B-J : Well, I picked it up down at my local watering hole when playing a game of monopoly
J : What card was it ?
B-J : A Get-Out-Of-Jail card......
J : Well, that carries no currency here.....I'm afraid
B-J : Bugger...
P : Excuse me.....but can we get on with the issues of law and establishing this defendant's guilt
J : You sir are beginning to annoy me........ you're like a square peg in a round hole
B-J : The man's an arsehole....
J : I dismissed
P : You can't do that !
J : I just did......and before you go Bigot......... don't forget our little arrangement  
B-J : Oh yes.....I'll go straight to the hole-in-the-wall and bring you the dosh......which no doubt will burn a filthy big hole in your pocket...
J : Holy moly......that sounds wonderful

Thursday, 10 January 2013


After much haggling Bigot-Johnson finally persuaded some of his senior hard nosed members to enter a team in a regional ladies-only event. By offering them, as a post-match reward, the finest brew at the Stickett Upham Inn near Bawtry, the ladies eventually agreed to play.
Bigot  the non-playing captain said afterwards " I decided fresh new faces were needed to pull off this blistering win......I needed players who were all capable of producing that little bit of table magic.... conjuring up tricks from nowhere.....and putting in spellbinding performances. They relied upon helluva lot of bidding, and most of their fancy concocted bids pulled in  tremendous scores. The fact that many of their opponents were incensed by their sinister looking apparel shows what bad losers they were. Black, of course,  has always been the club colour, and each team member is a strong believer " in keeping something under one's hat ".

Tuesday, 8 January 2013

BIGOT CALLS ON DR. JOHN...............

" Doctor......I've been having such terrible dreams again "
" Enlighten me......"
" Well, I find myself in a bridge room where players I've never seen before all seem very familiar to me.... "
" And what is this place ? "
" I don't is a figment of my over active imagination......but what is apparent is that they all seem to have little horns protruding from the tops of their heads ! "
" Hmm....interesting......and how did you get on with these strange but familiar people ? "
" Oh.....that just it......Everything they said or did infuriated and disgusted me .....their manners, their habits, their arrogance, their insincere way of speaking, their scowling, vengeful expressions......but what really concerned me most was my uncanny ability to read all their thoughts and feelings.... their shameful secrets......and countless guilt trips they were valiantly trying to avoid "
" Amazing......"
" So tell me Doctor.....what does it all mean ? "
" Well, could be that you have had a dream-like vision of what hell means for you ...... which comes to us all when we accept that death may not be too far away....because only then do we allow our feelings of guilt and shame to overwhelm our subconscious thoughts "
" Oh....."
" In fact, this personal hell of like being in a room of walking talking mirrors, where every player simply reflects one of your many alter egos. Everyone in that room is  in fact a doppelganger of one of your inner selves......which means for the first time you have developed a sense of self-awareness as opposed to self-delusion.... " 
" Oh ...." 
" So Bigot.....this is your hell..........having to play with and against clones of yourself........not a pleasant prospect for anyone is it ? "
" Can things get any worse ? "
" Oh, indeed they can...... for a starters what's owing on your account with me now runs into five figures "
" Bugger....."


  • Our System Partner Needs To Be Simplified.......Baxter Basicks
  • Yes I Do Belong To A Gay Bridge Club.................Ivor Brownring
  • This Club Has A Strict Zero Tolerance Policy.......Bess B. Goode
  • Bridge To Me Is Like A Drug...................................Marie Warner
  • Partner, Am I Hallucinating Or What ?....................L. S. Dee
  • Players Who Always Rise To The Occasion.........Percy Dickman & John Thomas
  • I'm Sure Our Captain Will Save The Day...............Willy L. Aslike
  • What Bridge Players Fear The Most......................Louise N. Streak
  • Some Bottoms Are Too Horrible To Contemplate.....Dan Gleebits
  • If Opponents Upset Me, I Say " Sod'em "..............Ann Gomorrah
  • At Long Last He Got Her To Play Away.................Didi Screwer
  • She Was Unaware Her Partner Was Gay..............Tilly Toldar 

Friday, 4 January 2013


  • Playing bridge is a clever man's instinct to stave off death
  • What produces a good bridge player is simply the presence of a good mind
  • Psychs are just a lot of lies, and players who regularly make psychs their business are nothing more than cheats
  • It is always disappointing to see that what I have achieved in terms of mastering this damn game of bridge has boiled down to so little  
  • The true value of bridge comes from the realisation it is the only game that comes anywhere close to divine perfection 
  • Should one follow the advice and guidance of others ? Not necessarily so because when one looks at the greatest bridge players of all time one discovers that they all possessed individual minds of their own.  
  • The ugliest aspect of this great game is when really good bridge players sell themselves. This makes them nothing more than a commodity, to be purchased by individuals who see money as the only means by which they can acquire success. 
  • Bridge players often come across as a contradiction. One view is that " Oh, it is a great feeling to spend so much time playing such a wonderful and fascinating game ". And the other view is " I must be crazy to devote so much time to a game that causes me so much frustration and pain ".
  • Bridge is a mystery wrapped up in enigmas and complex puzzles, which even for the most gifted players have yet to unravel
  • Intuition and instinct are the indispensable qualities of an expert  bridge player, but sadly these are hard to come by. The hard truth is that either they are there......or not. Such qualities can never be developed : they are a gift from God.     

Thursday, 3 January 2013


( Bigot-Johnson , having been forcibly detained under Section 2 of The Health Act for being  completely  " off his head ",  immediately initiated a challenge against the doctor's decision. Claiming his detention was both wrongful and unjustified, he set out to prove that he was a sane and sensible human being. Naturally, Bigot elected to represent himself despite alarmist advice to the contrary. ) 

Chairman of the panel ( CP) : Bigot, you have been sectioned.....quite rightly in our opinion  .....for being insane.......barking mad......out of your your trolley........totally deranged.
B-J : I object......I am as sane as the next man
Chairman : We disagree........why your behaviour as chairman of the Slaughter House BC beggars belief. Over these twelve months you have completely mismanaged the club's assets to such an extent........ that the club is on the verge of bankruptcy. One can only describe the financial decisions you made as " acts of sheer lunacy " 
B-J : Rubbish !
CP : Take for instance your decision to remove the club roof at a cost of £20,000......
B-J : Ah... that seemed at the time a sensible and rational thing to do. As you may well taking a roof off a building this exempts the property from paying any council tax/rates whatsoever. This decision was going to save the club £2000 over the year.
CP : Yes....but then you had the roof replaced 6 months later........ at a cost of £45,000 !
B-J : But that was to stop the endless whinging and whining of those pathetic members who didn't like playing their bridge by moonlight.... or in the chill of the night air. 
Panelist : .....Or when they were drenched or snowed upon !
CP : But then of course you turned to log burning fires for heat, using sheet after sheet of paper money to set the logs alight.
B-J : Yes...the club had plenty of money to burn.....and so I thought why not . Banks charge you the earth for handling money.
CP : Well,  we know that £60,000 of club money disappeared up in smoke...... when fire-lighters would have seemed a much more cost-effective option at around £3.50 a packet.
B-J : Ah, but you're forgetting how much I managed to save the club on gas and electricity  bills.....around £150 a least
CP : are truly please explain to the panel why you decided to cancel the club's property and contents insurance ?
B-J : It was always money going out for no apparent benefit. In 20 years the club only once put in a claim......and that was rejected as falling outside the terms of the policy
CP : Yes....that was the case, but then one of your log fires got out of control and set the building alight. The fire was so intense it took three fire engines to get it under control. And with no insurance cover the club had to stump up £80,000 for rebuilding and restoration work.
B-J : That fire was just bad luck....nevertheless,  every decision I took was designed to save the club £'000s on its yearly operational costs
CP : Yet the flip-side to that of course were the massive and grotesque one-off payments of  £20,000, £45,000, £ 60,000  and £80,000. These figures demonstrate beyond all reasonable doubt that you are insane.
B-J : Not see, I cleverly persuaded all the club members to contribute generously to the club's new and exciting Restoration and Redevelopment Fund, on the pretext that this money would give them a share in the ownership of the property.....and any of its future profits.
CP : And did they fall for this scam ?
B-J : Indeed, they did.....hook,line and sinker ! Like shooting fish in a barrel...
CP : Then , it appears that it is they who are bonkers, and that you by comparison have retained quite a few of your marbles. Consequently, we feel obliged to allow your application for immediately release.....and you are therefore free to leave the premises.
B-J : Thank the Lord God for I can get back to the club and implement a brilliant idea .......given to me by my best friend.......... for cutting back on yet another unnecessary club expense 
CP : And who is your best friend ?
B-J : The King of the Potato People of course !
CP : So please enlighten us.....what is the idea ?
B-J : To swop the club's newly purchased, highly valuable office equipment, furniture and fittings for utterly worthless tat......this way the club wont have too incur any annual depreciation charges at all......brilliant eh ?
CP : I think we may have made a mistake over you.....
B-J: Too late.....I'm off and away,  you buggers......byeee 


Wednesday, 2 January 2013


This little known author wrote many books on bridge to give those with a passion for the game a chance to blossom and grow into quality players, and dedicated club members . Anyone who has just one of his books buried away in the loft will have a very rare and collectible item indeed, probably worth it's weight in gold. In all he wrote 16 books, but unfortunately all the titles had " gardening " connotations, and as a result far too many bridge players chose to overlook or ignore them.
However, the full list of his truly amazing and instructive books can be seen below :

  • Weeding Out Bad Habits
  • Shooting For Tops
  • Branching Out Into The Big Arenas
  • Shedding Useless Gadgets And Conventions
  • Bidding On Filth
  • Grassing Up Wrongdoers 
  • Calling A Spade A Spade
  • Morton's Fork And Other Coups
  • Digging Out Results The Hard Way
  • Hedging One's Bets
  • Getting The Dirt On Troublesome Members
  • Turfing Out Cheats And Coffee-housers
  • Axing Your Way To Success
  • How To Avoid Becoming A Cropper
  • The Forbidden Art Of Fielding Psyches
  • Rooting Out The Nasties     


Tuesday, 1 January 2013