LAW REPORT : BAWTRY DISTRICT COUNCIL v. BIGOT-JOHNSON  ( 2013 )

Having dug a even bigger hole than before it came as no surprise when, after a vain attempt to refill it,  a huge mountain of soil was still left over. This monstrous and massive eyesore to the all those who lived nearby caused the council officers to investigate. Clearly, Bigot as chairman of the club had failed to apply for, and obtain, planning permission for this kind of excavation work. The council felt it had no option other than to bring charges against him for statutory offences listed under The Town and Country Planning Act. Bigot of course elected to defend himself. A short extract from the trial's transcript appears below.

Judge ( J ) : Will someone tell me in a nutshell what this case is all about ? I'm in a bit of a rush today.....
Prosecutor ( P ) : All manner of charges really....... culminating from this madman's insane desire to dig a massive big hole outside his club
J : Why did he do that ?
P : I've no bloody idea....but it could be down to the fact his brain is so full of holes he doesn't understand what he is doing
J : Well, it does seem to me that Bigot-Johnson is in a right hole here with so much weight of evidence against him
P : Yes, getting all this soil in the courtroom required four lorries, six men and eighteen hours of labour intensive work. 
J : Yes...as evidence exhibit A it's quite impressive
B-J : I object to all this dirt being heaped on me ....the prosecution's tactics in my view have hit rock bottom.........it may seem to you that I've dug a hole for myself....but I do have one or two magical defences up my sleeve
J : I very much suspect Bigot whatever flimsy defence you come up with,  the prosecution will no doubt endeavour to pick holes in them 
B-J : Ah...but I still have my Ace in the hole...
P : Must we continue with all these silly " hole " references ? 
J : Excuse me.....but I'm having fun here......
B-J : Yes.....tell him to shut his cake-hole
J : Oh please tell the court what is this Ace in the hole ?
B-J : A card .....
J : Interesting....enlighten us more
B-J : Well, I picked it up down at my local watering hole when playing a game of monopoly
J : What card was it ?
B-J : A Get-Out-Of-Jail card......
J : Well, that carries no currency here.....I'm afraid
B-J : Bugger...
P : Excuse me.....but can we get on with the issues of law and establishing this defendant's guilt
J : You sir are beginning to annoy me........ you're like a square peg in a round hole
B-J : The man's an arsehole....
J : I agree.....case dismissed
P : You can't do that !
J : I just did......and before you go Bigot......... don't forget our little arrangement  
B-J : Oh yes.....I'll go straight to the hole-in-the-wall and bring you the dosh......which no doubt will burn a filthy big hole in your pocket...
J : Holy moly......that sounds wonderful