Sunday, 31 August 2014


Poor Dorothy had found herself lumbered with the Lion and Tin Man as team mates . Moreover she had drawn the short straw by having to partner the brainless scarecrow. Up against them in the first round were the two icy-looking Poles sitting North South at table 1, while the two wicked Witches occupied the East West seats at table 13.
" Don't worry Dorothy.......I wont let you down. I have my pride to consider ", said the rejuvinated Lion.
" Listen Dorothy.....I know I'm a little rusty when it comes to tournament bridge , but I know I can do it... I can..... I can... " proclaimed Tin Man with steely resolve. 
" Well Dorothy..... being the Scarecrow I love big fields....and hey... am I ready to give my opponents a bit of stick ! "
Seconds later the match got underway and Dorothy's rag bag team were holding their own. Now everything depended on getting a good result on the final board. 
When they met up to do the scoring , Dorothy was quick ask the Tin Man what happened on board seven. " We made 7NT " he replied. Dorothy was flabbergasted because the Scarecrow too made the same contract the other way.
" I don't understand that at all ......" said a puzzled Lion.
The Tin Man was quick to explain all. " Sitting West I had 13 top winners in clubs and spades. So I opened the bidding with 7NT confident in the fact that North was obliged to lead a club or a spade , since he too was dealt a two-suited black hand. 
" Yes..." said the Scarecrow " On my table the wicked Witch of the West opened a canny 2C only to hear me overcall 7NT on my basis of my black two-suited yarborough. I knew East had a red two-suited hand similar to mine, and so she had no choice but to lead a miserable diamond or heart straight into dummy's magnificent thirteen red suited winners."
Dorothy and the Lion were stunned. " How on earth did you two know what to do ? "
" Oh that easy " chirped in the Scarecrow , " we both heard the two witches plotting with the Poles about what they were going to do with a hand they rigged up with one of their spells. They expected Tin Man to open 7S , so they could come in with the unbeatable overcall of 7NT. And on our table they expected the bidding to go 2C, Pass, 2D, 7H , 7NT.......but we of course got our grand slam bids in first. 


Saturday, 30 August 2014


Thursday, 28 August 2014

SEVERAL MINUTES LATER...................

Tuesday, 26 August 2014


Monday, 25 August 2014


1. First off give a huge thanks to all the proxy voters for electing you into office along with all those present at the AGM who did as they were told.
2. Don't forget of course to thank the out-going chairman ( remembering first to remove the knife protruding from his back ) for all the good work he/she has done for the club over the preceding years..........of which so much more is still to be done ( a subtle euphemism for corrected ).
3. One last thanks to the members responsible for putting together a committee which will be singing from the same hymn sheet : one which can be easily moulded into an obedient, compliant , submissive "yes " team of robots.
4. Express how honoured you are to being entrusted with this role , and what a privilege it is to serve (  an clever euphemism for control ) the ordinary members .  Moreover, you need to stress emphatically that you are not in anyone's pocket , and that everything that the committee does from now on will be open and transparent.
5. It is also a wise move to throw in a bit of light humour , without looking silly, on  how you intend to clean  ( another well chosen euphemism for cleanse ) the club of all elements seen as rotten and undesirable.
6. Lay out your vision for the future in terms of grand objectives and goals, as well as your understanding of your personal responsibility as chairman , never revealing the hidden agenda drawn up by the secret elite to which you now belong.
7. Finally, alert everyone about the first planned change, namely the implementation of the club's much stricter zero tolerance policy, which in your opinion has been long overdue, remembering to stress that this initiative is purely to protect  ( a cunning euphemism for crucify ) members caught up in all kinds of bad behaviour both on and off the premises.

Sunday, 24 August 2014


If you ever need a partner to deliver time after time , then count on Johnny. He never lets you down.
Take a look at the hand opposite. Most pairs were in 5D with South as declarer , but very few made 11 tricks.The opening lead on every occasion was the queen of spades , taken in dummy with the Ace , to be followed   by two rounds of trumps.
At this point the majority of declarers opted to try the club finesse first  in order to secure the eleventh trick. However,  once West was in with the queen of clubs , he was quick to return a club to partner's Ace , leaving declarer at some point to take the doomed heart finesse for one down. But not Johnny. 
At trick four Johnny elected to take the heart finesse losing to West's King. So far Johnny had counted six of West's high card points ( QJ of spades and the heart King ). West ,  of course , safely exited with the jack of spades , with Johnny ruffing in dummy. Then a heart to his Ace followed by a heart ruff.  So with East showing 3 in that suit ,  West now held the Jack of hearts as well , nudging up his HCP tally to 7. 
It was obvious to Johnny that  if West held the Ace of clubs  ( giving him 11 points and a likely 5-4-1-3 or 4-4-4-1 distribution ) , then an black suit overcall or take out double was a mandatory bid ! Therefore West's pass clearly suggested the absence of the Ace of clubs. Armed with this deduced knowledge , Johnny played a club from dummy and rose with the King , when East played low. Eleven tricks were duly made along with a well deserved equal top. 
What a player.What a man. 


Tuesday, 19 August 2014

ANOTHER BENEATH CONTEMPT ARTICLE ..... ( By Professor Hu Chi " What the hell does he know about the law ? " Ku Chi....... in dedication to all those utterly oblivious to the harsh realities and truth about the legal process )

It is a well established fact that taking a civil dispute all the way to a courtroom is like entering a lottery. The result is far from certain and the only sure winners are the lawyers. 
Indeed , lawyers have an unfortunate habit of informing their respective clients of " their good chances " of getting a favourable result. Logic dictates that if one side has a good chance of winning then the other side doesn't. Therefore , whenever the dispute is open to argument and the legal issues are not clear cut , then it would be wiser for both parties to seek out some middle ground on which to reach a fair and reasonable settlement.
So why is the option of a court hearing so risky ?  Well , one only has to take a closer look at how civil ( common ) law works. Common law is built up on precedents , namely the reasons behind decisions ( ratio decidendi ) from earlier cases , some of which go back 100 years or more. The so called doctrine of judicial precedent attempts to combine rigidity with flexibility. 
The guiding principle is that authorative precedents are binding and must be followed whenever possible , in order to provide consistency , reliability and fairness. The flexibility element , brought about when a higher court uses its status to over-rule past precedents, or reverse decisions on appeal, ensuring that the law stays up-to-date by reflecting modern thinking and modern values. Moreover any judge , even in lower courts , is empowered to ignore an established precedent by distinguishing the case in front of him on the given facts. Exceptional circumstances might well require the judge to create exceptions to an existing precedent , or in some instances creating an exception to the exception. Often distinguishing cases on the facts is an exercise in " hair-splitting " , which is of no comfort or reassurance to the two parties in dispute. 
The trial process involves lawyers from both sides producing a battery of precedents to support their client's legal arguments. The judge is obliged to consider which precedent(s) are relevant to the case or not, which carry the most weight and whether or not they are binding or purely persuasive. Moreover, given that some judges are cavalier in their approach , others more liberal and some rather conservative , then a crystal ball is needed to predict the outcome.
Common law is by all accounts a massive topsy-turvy mountain of past precedents,  where new layers are added each year as more and more new precedents come along. As the common law evolves , older precedents become obsolete , out-dated and easily replaced.
Why then would any party to a dispute proceed to court when such uncertainty exists ? Is there such a thing as a case-iron case ? As I see it,  cast iron is something that always sinks very quickly to the bottom. 
Without doubt it is sheer folly to rely on the common law , when common sense could have been employed from the outset. Both parties would clearly benefit from seeing the wisdom in putting aside their hatred, anger,  stubbornness, greed and pride ,  and seize the first opportunity to resolve their dispute through ADR or mediation. By allowing the mediator to mediate and to find that elusive middle ground on which some sort of compromise could be reached , each side might well enjoy a partial victory , and relish the fact that their bank balances are still intact. 


Monday, 18 August 2014


Sunday, 17 August 2014

( Well, this is what Pun got wind of )

  • Why Not Go Out There And Enjoy Your Bridge..........................Ava Ball 
  •  I Have A Strong Dislike For Those Who Cheat.........................Annie Mossity
  •  I'm So Sorry Partner But I'm Really On Edge............................Shay King- Badleigh
  •  For God's Sake Man Do Something About It............................Kent Stoppitt
  •  What Is It About That Woman That Attracts So Many Men............Nicholas Hore
  •  When You Believe A Slam Has A Good Chance Of Making........Alice Biddett
  •  She Doesn't Know It Yet That She's Been Suspended.................Bess Teller
  •  Male Bridge Players All Share The Same Worry........................Isma Prickard
  •  The Cheapest Way To Resolve Any Table Altercation..................Ann Sheik
  •  Always Expect Gifts From Weak And Useless Opponents...........E. C. Pickings

Friday, 15 August 2014


Thursday, 14 August 2014


It has come to our attention that Bigot-Johnson has over his bridge career picked up some amazing but rather dubious awards ,  all of which preceded his departure from the various clubs concerned. Always regarded as a " disturbed man " ,   loner , oddball and social misfit , Bigot was never able to throw off the shackles of being abandoned by his parents to live out a rotten , deprived and painful childhood at a local orphanage. 
The most outstanding of these awards are listed as follows :

1. Sent To Coventry award for having gone a whole year in which no other club member was prepared to speak to him. This concerted effort to deliberately ostracise Bigot resulted in every one of his attempts to engage members in conversation being met by walls of silence.
2. Nigger In The Woodpile award went to Bigot for being a club member considered by many not to be the person he appears to be , once undisclosed evidence came to light revealing something about him which was highly suspicious or wrong.
3. Black Sheep award came Bigot's way soon after joining a very small friendly club with a proud " family-orientated " ethos. His diabolical table behaviour resulted in every member perceiving him to be a very bad person indeed.
4. Pariah award was handed out to Bigot as the member so utterly and totally despised by all , it was as though he was the carrier of some vile , highly infectious , deadly disease.
5. Traitor In Our Midst award quickly followed an AGM report which listed the crimes Bigot had been accused of during his time on committee : failing to toe-the-line , not doing as he was told, fraternising with the enemy and passing over secrets to them. 
6. BENEATH CONTEMPT award after receiving countless nominations for being a low-life member completely undeserving of any regard or respect : a person to scorn , to disrespect, and to look down upon with disdain.      

Tuesday, 12 August 2014


Monday, 11 August 2014


Chairman ( C ) : Bigot....were you or were you not guilty of cheating ?
B-J : Of course I am guilty ....
C : So why in God's name are you appealing against the committee's decision to dish out a life-ban ?
B-J : Well....from my perspective.....cheating in this club is so commonplace it makes biblical sense to do unto others what they do unto you. Indeed , cheating has become part and parcel of the game of bridge we know today. Therefore , to single me out as a cheat smacks of victimisation , prejudice and downright vindictiveness !
C : Hold on a mo....this committee is on a crusade to clean this game up....and you Bigot just happened to be first in long, long line. Cheating is wrong and completely undermines the spirit of this truly beautiful game
B-J : You just don't understand this modern game of you ?
C : How dare you ? Cheating has no place in bridge and there's no argument whatsoever in support of it ....
B-J : I disagree .....and so please allow me to state my case
C : If you insist......
B-J : To accuse anyone of cheating involves making a presumption. In my case it was alleged that my hand signals were used to convey unauthorised information to partner , and that I intended them as such. Since no-one ( but me ) could ever really know what was in my mind , any allegation of cheating on your part requires you to make a presumption about the mens rea which accompanied my actions.....
C : But you be a cheat
B-J : But not for that particular occasion which gave rise to the allegation ! 
C : Hmmmm....
B-J : So let's get onto the issue of  " cheating in general "
C: Let's...
B-J : Is it true to say that bridge is a game ideally suited ...even specially designed.....for players who think rationally and logically ?
C : Yes , I believe so....
B-J : Is it also true that people who take up bridge are encouraged , trained and dare I say conditioned to think in a logical and rational way ?
C : Yes....I guess so...
B-J : And is it true to say that bridge to a large extent involves CHANCE , especially given the fact that all deals are random......and that CHANCE is what determines how suits will be divided and where particular key cards will be located ?
C : Yes....I agree with that ?
B-J :  Therefore , it must be true to say that cheating is a rational and logical man's way of acknowledging that he knows of no other way of beating the laws of CHANCE ?
C : I'm still to be convinced....
B-J : Cheating is without doubt the rational man's answer to the great mystery of life. It is indeed the bridge player's answer to the great mystery of who is holding what.
C :  Hmmm...
B-J : Losers at bridge are weak people who simply surrender to the Laws of CHANCE , allowing themselves to be buried by random distributions and the unfortunate location of key cards. They seem bizarrely content to win or lose on the basis of something no more purposeful than a straight guess or a shot in the dark. But not me....
C : But good players never resort to cheating....they rely on their ability to work things out by processing all the available information to date
B-J : But these players are a minority.....not your normal, everyday , average , mediocre, humdrum players , who come to realise that the only sensible way for them to succeed is to attack the unexpected, to eliminate the unexpected and to control the unexpected. In other cheat
C : Oh....
B-J : Allow me to make a comparison......In the world of high finance " inside information and insider trading " is everything. It is expected of all dealers if they are to make high profits for the company. To leave investment decisions to CHANCE can be fatal.... and if my pension ( and yours ) was put in jeopardy should things go belly up...then I say " go ahead and cheat " . Therefore , it seems correct to say that this approach is the only reliable way for traders to do their job properly. Similarly , the same underhand approach should also apply to bridge players 

C : Bigot...You have put up a most convincing argument to endorse cheating as a legitimate part of bridge , which according to you is within the spirit of the so far as it stems from rational and logical thinking.....which in your view is the very essence of the game
B-J :'ve got in one
C : Well , as far as this panel is concerned the life-ban still stands. This club is on a crusade to eliminate all forms of cheating and those found guilty of it.....starting of course.... with you
B-J : So how many others have you got in your sights for banning ?
C : None....
B-J : What !!!!!...... So how come it's only me you want rid of ?  
C : We  needed a scapegoat.....someone we could use..... to make an example of .....and so the committee put names into a hat. They decided to let CHANCE determine who was for the chop
B-J : So let me guess.... it was my name which was picked out from the pile? 
C : Well , not it happened it was only your name which went into the hat.....
B-J : That's cheating !
C: Correct.....but according to you it's perfectly rational , logical and legitimate
B-J : Bugger....



Sunday, 10 August 2014



" If you lot want a happy and fulfilling life , whilst at the same time being able to devote most of your time playing bridge, then you must abide by these two very important rules.
1. Find a young attractive woman who..... 
    - demands rampant and exciting sex
    - owns a chain of liquor stores
    - is a brilliant gourmet cook
    - never raises her voice above a whisper
    - loves doing housework
    - lets you look after the money
    - worships you like a God
    - allows you the freedom to play bridge with whoever you want , whenever 
      you want and wherever you want
2.  But under no circumstances whatsoever must you allow any of these women to 
     find out about the others.  "

Friday, 8 August 2014


Most club members choose to ignore what goes on around them. So long as the club provides them with what they want , they are more than happy to let those on committee to do they they please , to carry on regardless.
This blatant indifference often means the antics and shenanigans of ruthless committees are never seen let alone commented on. The lack of interest in club affairs , along with inertia and apathy help turn indifference into a hideous monster. The perils of indifference have always been , and will always be , frightening.
Defined literally as " no difference " this strange and unnatural state in one in which lines are blurred. Lines between right and wrong , and good and evil. Indifference involves never pursuing the likely and/or inescapable consequences of other people's decisions and actions. 
Indifference becomes the irresistible choice for those blighted by selfishness and ignorance. More than that it is seductive. Nothing is ever of any consequence unless that consequence happens to impact negatively on them.
Allow me to give you an illustration. An ex-member of a club applies to join again but in the process upsets the delicate disposition of a committee member. Ignoring the fact that this ex-member was well respected by a large majority of members , always willing to play with and help those new to the game , and someone previous committees had come to rely on for small building and repair jobs , his face somehow didn't fit a new vision for the club. So not surprisingly his application was rejected. Yet no-one seemed to care a damn. No one batted an eye-lid or raised an eyebrow. 
Why this rejection failed to cause a ripple of indignation or criticism I do not know. Clearly the level of indifference within the silent majority beggared belief. The rejection failed to elicit any kind of critical response, but in no way can anyone say that indifference is not a response. It was a tacit approval of the committee's decision by shameful omission. Indifference is the enemy of the victim , and the ally of the aggressor. Clearly , his slap-in-the-face was of no consequence to them ......unless of course they were considering leaving the club for a while before rejoining later.
Indeed, it is my contention that indifference only encourages those on committee to push the boundaries of their power , influence and control into the murky areas of corruption and abuse. 
It represents a green light to do as they please , confident in the knowledge no one will be bothered to challenge or question their decisions. 
So yes,  the perils of indifference are there for club members to see if only they would open their eyes and actively scrutinise what is going on around them. Club members must remind themselves that committees are there as their servants , not as their masters. Seeking justice for those who fall victim to wrongdoing is of paramount importance, because one day perhaps that victim may be you.   

Sunday, 3 August 2014


1. Ordinary members are forbidden to step on or walk on the red carpet , which only gets laid out on grand occasions such as AGMs , being of course solely for the exclusive use of senior committee members to make their way to the top table.
2. Under no circumstances must members interrupt , heckle or harangue any committee member who is speaking or about to speak, irrespective of the misinformation and lies that will be dished out in great abundance.
3. No questions from the floor will be permitted , unless submitted beforehand in writing to the committee for rigorous scrutiny and approval.
4. All self-serving and self-congratulatory statements , comments and remarks , made by the club's senior officers, must receive warm and generous applause.
5. The committee of course regard manners as extremely important. Therefore any member found guilty of ill-mannered behaviour will be immediately ejected from the room.
6. It is essential for all members attending AGMs to appreciate the importance of duty , honour , loyalty , submission and compliance with regards to all the needs , wishes and demands of the committee.
7. Members are reminded to know their place within the established hierarchy , and to acknowledge the importance,  high rank and status of all committee members at all times.  
8. Before any AGM gets underway , long-standing club members must give up their seats to all the newly-drafted in members in order for the planned gerrymandering to take place effectively.
In the event there are insufficient seats to accommodate the hordes of new voters , the up-seated older members will be obliged to go home , so as not to breach any fire-safety regulations.
9. All members will be required to join in the planned impromptu an-end-AGM rounds of thanks for each committee member's hard work , dedication and graft , completely stripping from their minds the unholy mess the committee have made of things.
10. No one is permitted to talk about what happened or what was discussed at AGMs , being bound by the duty of confidentiality , recently imposed by the chairman ( Bigot-Johnson ) on all members. Any member found guilty of whistle blowing will face severe repercussions.           

Friday, 1 August 2014


Dress code : rules 16 and 17

Ladies must refrain at all times from wearing short , skimpy skirts , see-through or open-neck blouses, sleeveless garments , high-heel shoes, and any item of clothing deemed by the committee to be colourful , sexually provocative and alluring. Hair must be kept tied back and under cover , with no mascara or make-up whatsoever allowed on any part of the face still exposed. 
A lady member's appearance must at no time be seen to entice and distract men from the demanding requirements of the game, ensuring that those still full of testosterone are able to bid and play the cards with maximum sustained focus and concentration.


In a bridge world where zero tolerance is the order of the day , and where tact and diplomacy must over-ride any desire to dish out cold facts and hard truths , players may be permitted to say harmless half-truths but to hold back on biting remarks they would dearly like to make. 
So here then are a few classic examples of  

What players feel safe to say.............................and what they would like to tag on  ( but don't )

We need to talk I can give you a right dressing down

I'm sorry but I'm not available next week.............or any other week if I can help it

I'm sure we can pair up again sometime.............perhaps when hell freezes over

I'm sorry about my little mistake...........................but boy are you going to suffer for all yours

I really need to find some space outside............somewhere for me to bury your body

I don't really know if that contract could be a complete and utter moron

What partner , you're keen to make a quick exit.....well , might I suggest off the roof

You weren't that bad tonight were worse than bad

You and me a dream partnership ? ......................For me it's a living hell

Partner I made one massive mistake tonight.......which was pairing up with you

This game is still proving difficult to God knows what it's like for you

I don't actually recall that particular head is still awash with all the
                                                                                    countless others you made

We all have a bad night now and again.................although in your case it's permanent
                                                                                    state of affairs

There's no need to apologise played as well as any idiot could

Partner, your ability never ceases to amaze me.......or should I say " lack of "

There's no justice in this game.................................otherwise you would have been taken away
                                                                                     and shot

that was a very enjoyable evening partner..............for all those opponents you handed out
                                                                                     gifts to