Friday, 30 November 2012

BRIDGE BOOKS THAT TAKE SOME BEATING......( Claims an over-confident Pun )

Name Me One Committee Member Who Isn't Biased !............John Diss
The Slaughter House BC Is Hell On Earth.........................Godfrey Saken
Bridge Players Renown For Their Cheating.....................Upton O. Goode
When My Brain Fails Out Comes The Prayer Mat..........Hope Ferderbest
Players Renown For Flirting With Their Lady Partners.......Phil Landerers
I've Seen My Irate Partner Actually Froth At The Mouth...........Ray Beeze
What Happens To The Bidding On Freaky Deals ...........Carrie De Whey
Who Says I've Got A Pox Ridden Face ?................................Lotta Zitts
The Only Decent Partner She Had Quit In Disgust..............Herman Lefter
So You Would Like To Beat Bigot Into A Pulp Too ?..............Hugo Ferst 

Wednesday, 28 November 2012

BIGOT-JOHNSON'S TALE OF WOE...... ( Another nearly true story by Bridgemeister Gibson )

Up against his nemesis and arch-rival, Johnny Supremo, Bigot was to fall victim yet again to a far superior talent.
Johnny, sitting West, found himself in 6 NT doubled, on a hand rigged by Bigot to fail. 
West held : AKxx....987....Ax....AQ109
East held :    Qx.....AQxx...KQxxx....KJ
Bigot on lead confidently kicked off with the Jack of diamonds from his 4-2-5-2 holding, happy in the knowledge that his partner held KJ10 in his 3-4-1-5 distribution.
Johnny's table presence told him that nothing would be breaking nicely, and that the missing heart honours were sitting over East. Nevertheless, he proceeded to take the first 7 tricks with 4 clubs and 3 top diamonds, ending up in his own hand.
Bigot meanwhile had discarded his two miserable hearts, as did South who was desperate not to reveal the spade position. Johnny of course took stock of the situation.
South, had to have the 5th club, plus 2 top hearts and therefore only 3 spades. Bigot of course had to have four spades alongside his two boss diamonds. This meant the contract was home and dry.
Johnny now led a small heart which Bigot was forced to throw away a winning diamond. Nevertheless, he was still beaming at the prospect of declarer taking a doomed finesse. But not this one ! Johnny hopped up with the Ace and played a diamond putting Bigot back on lead. With 4 tricks remaining the inevitable spade return was taken in dummy, the winning diamond cashed, and with the AK of spades to come the contract was made.
Bigot was fuming so much , one rather concerned member felt it necessary to douse him with the contents of a fire a vain attempt to cool him down. The next step of of course was to hit him hard on the head with the empty container....which proved of course to be a far more effective solution. 


Tuesday, 27 November 2012


" Would all those who seek to endorse the committee's decision to sling Bigot-Johnson out of the club please raise your hands........"  

Monday, 26 November 2012


( In one of the strangest cases ever , Bigot-Johnson was brought before a Crown Court judge on charges yet to be decided. A short extract from the trial's transcript appears below. )

Judge ( J ) : What is it this time ?.....Someone please tell me what this bridge playing reprobate is being charged with today ?
Prosecutor ( P ) : That's kind of hard to say.....
J : Go on....give it a shot.....
P : Well, your honour , the police dragged him out of a pond , which was located just the other side of boundary fence separating the Walnut Tree Allotment BC grounds from a residential property
J : Fishing on private land......without a licence.....and without the owner's permission ?
P : No....your honour
J : OK then.....what about charging him with unauthorized use of recreational water facilities ?
P : Sorry, no..... it transpires that Bigot had just been thrown from the top of the club house roof by members who didn't take kindly to his continued presence on the property
J : Flying with a pilot's licence ?
P : I'm afraid not.....he was in fact being expelled from the club having refused to leave by the front door in a dignified and gentlemanly way 
J : Ah yes....this means in effect we can charge him with being an unlawful visitor, trespassing on bridge club property since his permission to stay had been revoked   
P :  If seems that certain members took exception to him calling his inept partner something really awful  
J : Why.....what happened ?
P : The fool trumped Bigot's winning side-suit Ace thereby enabling the opponents to make a seemingly impossible game in spades 
J : Ah.....then why not charge him with assault causing say acute psychological harm ?
P : Not really appropriate.....he simply called her " a prat "
J : Well, what then ?.....Have you got a charge in mind ?
P :'s causing the unnecessary suffering,   contamination and death to all the little creatures that lived in the pond 
J : I'll buy that......looking at how overweight this monstrous man is......he must have made a mighty big fact I'll send him down for 2 years for such an offence
B-J : Hold on here......I'm the victim of a crime ....not the perpetrator !
J : That may be so......but we don't happen to like your face.......and in this court your name is mud. Moreover, the nature of your crime is one of strict liability.....which means there are no defenses available
B-J : Are you sure there's such a crime ?
J : Well...... if it's not in the statute books, then I've just created such an is my prerogative 
B-J : Oh bugger

Saturday, 24 November 2012

Having taught the worst bunch of students  in years,  with well over 60% of the intake failing to make the grade, Bigot decided to give up more of his precious time to put on a series of remedial classes. This grand gesture took all the failing students by surprise.....until of course they cast their eyes upon the club's notice board. There in full view was a giant size poster which read as follows :

Friday, 23 November 2012


If ever a disorder was prevalent in bridge players, this one is it. Never in my life have I seen so many afflicted people as those who play this weird and wonderful game. In fact I would say that every male player has fallen victim to this disturbing condition. 
NPD is a pervasive disorder characterized by self-centeredness, lack of empathy , and an exaggerated sense of self-importance. Years  ago this condition was thought to be less common than other personality disorders such as borderline personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder, and histrionic personality disorder. Well, in my view, bridge players can succumb to one or all of these afflictions, but in today's sad and surreal world NPD is estimated to affect over 20% of a club's membership, being far more common among men than women.
Certainly, every male player has narcissistic personality traits,  which in some cases have developed into the fully blown disorder. Those with just the traits are often seen as arrogant, confident, and self-centered, but unlike the true sufferers they do not have the exaggerated or grandiose view of their own bridge abilities.
So how easy is it to spot an NPD player ? The answer is no problem at all !
He will be the one who loves to hold court with his flock of obedient listeners and admirers,  having of course .......
- an exagggerated sense of his own abilities and achievements
- an insatiable craving for attention, affirmation and praise
- a belief that he is unique or " special " and should only associate with other players of equal status and standing
- a sense of entitlement and expectation of special treatment, such as automatic selection and other privileges befitting a bridge celebrity
- a preoccupation with power and/or success
- a belief that others are envious of him
- a lack of empathy for the feelings of both partners and opponents alike
A sufferer will relentlessly feed off the attention and admiration of others , which heightens his level of arrogance, conceit, and haughtiness. However,  his exaggerated self-image is nothing more than a fragile state of mind. For the moment the praise and attention starts to ebb away or get withdrawn, his vulnerability becomes immediately exposed,  and his self-estemm immediately plummets. Furthermore, those players with acute NPD are incredibly sensitive to criticism, which will always viewed as a personal attack.
Inevitably, if admirers and sycophants are in short supply, then sufferers might well retreat from the bridge scene having sunk into a deep, almost incurable, depression. Therapy of course can be especially difficult because clients refuse to acknowledge the disorder, whether they are on a high when holding court .....or on a low when downing bottles of gin.    

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY...... ( Based on an incident at the Slaughter House Bridge Club )

Bridgemates : A mythical concept,  given the beastly beatitudes of most of the players
Vulnerable : how a player feels when making one almighty cock up in either the bidding or play of the cards
Red : What one sees when your partner has made an almighty cock up
Push : the start of a typical argy-bargy at the table
Face : the part of your partner's body that becomes the subject of an attack
Duck : the evasive action usually taken when a blow is aimed toward's one head
Point : what a player wants to see at the end of his pencil
Splinter : a small broken sliver of wood which is left under the skin after the pointy pencil was buried into partner's exposed arm
Below-the-line : a swift kick to the solar plexus
Kickback : a retaliatory action of some force designed to inflict serious pain to the groin
Closed hand : what a player needs to do to convert 5 delicate fingers into a lethal fist
Knockout : what each feuding player now seeks to inflict upon the other
Uppercut : an upwardly mobile fist aimed directed towards an opponent's jaw
Crack : the sound of a broken jaw bone
Exit : what one has in mind for partner after getting a broken jaw
Short club : a handy weapon to have now that the feud has moved onto a new level
Small slam : a hefty whack to the back of your partner's head when using a short club
Grand slam : an even bigger whack in an attempt to finish him off
Round : one of many stages in a prolonged fight
Fork : another handy object one uses to shove right up your partner's arse
Elimination : the final objective
Bullet : one of many small metallic missiles a player will load into a gun
Shoot : the action of pressing the trigger now that the gun is loaded
Face down : the position your ex-partner ends up in after being shot
Stiff : the term of reference now used to describe this lifeless body 
x : the exact spot on the floor which is marked out by the police as the crime scene

Wednesday, 21 November 2012


Saturday, 17 November 2012

Prunella Pantopod :  My God.....the club and everyone of its members are facing a problem so great we are all going to be crushed by it
Bigot- Johnson : You stupid're imagining things.....I don't see a problem at all.....and when it comes down to it....... no one else does either
Prunella Pantopod : Oh .....then pray tell me..... what the hell are these huge mountains of crap littered about the aisles ?.....Tell me they are not real too ! 
Bigot-Johnson : You Madam need your glasses changing......they're nothing more than a few mouse droppings on the floor 
Prunella Pantopod : I give up.....................Oh yes, it's your turn to bid partner  

Friday, 16 November 2012


This rather disturbing condition affects nearly all bridge players to some degree or another. In extreme cases the victims of this disorder will experience the acute onset of paranoia. Although perceived as normal people, their reaction to any suspect bidding and play of their partners becomes both volatile and unpredictable. They have been known to even accuse their partners   " of batting for the opposition " .
Nevertheless , the classic symptoms center upon 4 rather commonly held, albeit irrational, beliefs :
1. That any bad play on their part is all down to the previous mistakes and cock-ups made by their partners : these painful thoughts and memories immediately eat away at both their composure and patience
2. That their error-prone partners do not know how to play the game, keep to a system,  or think in a logical and reasoned way 
3. That their partners are both inept and stupid, despite the fact that they are regarded by  others as top class players
4.  That the Devil himself may be at work here,  by " turning " their partners into demons and monsters
In short,  the Partner Derangement Syndrome is nothing more than the total loss of the capability of rational thought. This loss can be displayed throughout the whole session, and can well carry over into the next. Some observers put down the symptoms to the onset of old age, senility and Alzheimer's, but the reality is that all bridge players are predisposed to this disorder  irrespective of any brain cell deterioration. 
Sufferers in all cases develop this desire to blame partner for their bridge woes as soon as they master the basics of the game. Someone has to be held responsible for the victim's adverse state of mind, mental health, mood swings, lack of concentration and focus. Indeed, at its extreme manifestation  sufferers have begun to question whether their partners are intergalactic  alien time travellers,  claiming that they are " on another planet " or " in a world of their own " . 
On a final note I once came across a player who blamed his partner for everything. This included extensive damage to his car by a falling tree close to his home. " If my partner had played properly I wouldn't have needed to give him a severe 30 minute bollocking after the match. This delay of course meant that I got home late,  missed my usual parking place, and was therefore forced to park up right underneath my neighbour's rather large over-hanging oak tree . "  
On this hand it was Bigot's turn to get active in defense ,   having seen Johnny confidently sail into a rather ambitious game contract in clubs. Naturally Bigot stuck in a more than hopeful double in the knowledge that he had two certain winners, and his partner could well have one in diamonds. 
With three aces missing, Johnny initially viewed the contract as hopeless, unless of course he could hoodwink Bigot into making a mistake. So when West led the three of spades towards Bigot's known suit, Johnny now hatched his cunning plan. He called for the 5 of spades from dummy !
Bigot of course took stock of the spade situation. Surely declarer would not have played low from dummy unless of course he held the 10. Therefore, it had to be right to take the trick with the Ace...... on which Johnny smoothly played the 7. Bigot stopped to analyse the situation further. " If declarer started with 107, then that suggests partner started off with 63, but in our system the top card from a doubleton is mandatory. This means partner's 3 must be a singleton with South holding 1076. "
Convinced by this line of reasoning, Bigot promptly played the 9 of spades at trick two ( a suit preference for hearts ) fully expecting partner to ruff.
Now the horror of having been shafted yet again by Johnny's deceptive play came to fruition, with Johnny discarding the first of his three hearts, drawing trumps, and pitching two more losing hearts and one diamond on dummy's top spades.  With two trumps still left in dummy, Johnny limited his diamond losers to one. Game made.
To say that Bigot was an unhappy bunny would be an understatement......the man simply fell to the floor, curled up into the fetal position, and cried out for his dummy !

Thursday, 15 November 2012



Getting declarers to abandon a winning line for a losing one takes great skill at deceptive play, and Johnny had read all the books on this particular subject. For over 20 years he had been waiting for a hand , identical to the one which  earned Maurice Harrison-Gray well deserved praise from all of his illustrious peers.
After East had opened 3S  South, in the hideous shape and form of Bigot-Johnson, took the plunge and bid 3NT.
Sitting West was Johnny who, because it was Bigot,  doubled with real menace and intent.
With no further bidding, Johnny kicked off with his 8 of spades, and Bigot sensibly allowed East to take the first two tricks, before taking his Ace on the third round of the suit.
However, suspecting that his partner had no entry to his winning spades, Johnny could see that Bigot would make this contract harvesying 1S, 5D and 3H .....not to mention 1C the cards appeared to be sitting. Bigot had to be deflected from tackling diamonds.....and just like Maurice over half a century ago.....he discarded his diamond Ace on the third round of spades !
Bigot of course fell for the trap, smug in his analysis that Johnny must have started off with Ax and was looking to create an entry to East's hand if he was holding Qx in diamonds. So Bigot put plan B into action by switching his attention to clubs. At trick 4 his overtook his heart jack with dummy's queen to try a club finesse with the queen. Johnny pounced with his King, only to return the predictable diamond. 
In a flash, Bigot took the trick with the King to attempt yet another club finesse, quietly confident that East still had room for the jack with his original bid. 
So when Johnny pounced on Bigot's 10 of clubs with that nasty jack.... only to follow it up with the winning queen of diamonds, Bigot's shame and embarrassment was complete. And to see a grown man cry like a blubbering schoolboy was indeed a sorry and pitiful sight. As for the onlookers they could only admire a great man following in the footsteps of a former star from a bygone era.


Wednesday, 14 November 2012

-  walk away from your table completely embarrassed by being gifted three tops in a row
-  concerned by your inability to play card place their fingers on your wrist to feel for a pulse
-  at the start of the session offer up their sitting seats because they feel your need is greater than theirs
- start to announce what card has been played from their hands
- compliment you on your last week's score of 50%
- ask the TD for an aerosol air freshener 
- choose not to double your overbid sham, happy in the knowledge a top is already in the bag
- generously allow you to look back at which cards have played
- decide to keep their bidding dead simple for fear of having to explain everything over and over again
- are completely taken back by the fact you are still able to fan out or hold up 13 cards
- go to great lengths not to get you over-excited, annoyed, upset or anxious 
- start to use sign language as an essential communication aid in conversation with you
- once inferior to yourself arrive at your table full of optimism and confidence 

Sunday, 11 November 2012


" As you know Percy, we the committee are well on our way to re-establishing this club as an ultra-friendly and social place to come, where both new and old members alike can play bridge in complete confidence that their experience here will always be a memorable so many positive and rewarding ways. This is a club which prides itself on embracing sub-zero tolerance  policies full on....

And would you believe dear Percy, that spring is just around the corner. The snows of winter will flow away, the ice will vanish, the air will become soft and balmy. In short, the annual miracle of the years will repeat itself again, and come to pass. But sadly, you won't be here to see it.
The rivulet will run its meandering course to the sea. The early flowers will bloom in majestic glory.....and the trees will sprout forth their tender buds.  The glorious valleys of this green and imperial land will blossom as the rose. Alas...alas.....for you .....this is a picture that can only be a dream.
From every treetop , a wild wood songster will carol his mating song. Butterflies will sport in the sunshine. The gentle breeze will tease the tassels of the wild grasses, and all nature will rejoice in unison. But you, dear Percy, will be in a far away and forgotten place.
Because I.....Bigot-Johnson....have decreed as chairman of this disciplinary hearing to have you lead away to some remote spot, to be swung by your neck from a knotting bough of some sturdy oak....and to leave you hanging there until dead. And furthermore, I have instructed both Ronnie and Reggie to retire quickly from the scene of your dangling lifeless corpse, in the knowledge and hope that ravens and crows may descend from the heavens upon your filthy body.......until nothing shall remain but the bare, bleached bones of a mean spitited, woman-molesting , lying, deceitful son-of-a-bitch...."   

Thursday, 8 November 2012


“ Listen class….to win at bridge means being sharper and that much  smarter than your opponents. And to illustrate this point I would like one of you lot to participate in this little quiz game. It is really easy and a lot of fun. In a flash one foolish but intellectually gifted student pipes up :  " OK then I’ll give it a go but tell me how does the game work? "

" Ah ", says Bigot, " you ask me a question, and if I know the answer , you pay me £50....but then....when I ask you a question which you can answer, you will only receive £5. Not surprisingly, with such unfair odds, the student politely declines the offer. Undeterred, Bigot decides to improve the offer. " OK, how about this ....." If I don't know the answer to your question, I'll pay you £5, but if you don't know the answer to my question, you must pay me £50. However, to make the odds a little fairer, you may use a lap top and mobile phone to assist you ". This option immediately pleases the student causing to have no fear over the uneven odds, and being supremely confident in both his intellectual and internet surfing prowess, he readily agrees to play the game on Bigot's revised terms.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          
The student asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Bigot doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five-pound note, and hands it to the student. Next came Bigot’s question:  "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The student looks at him with a very puzzled look. He quickly takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the address book and asks everyone he knows. Frustrated, he sends phone calls and e-mails to all the best quiz masterminds across the world. All to no avail. After an hour of frenzied activity, searching for the answer,  he finally gives up. He goes over to Bigot and reluctantly hands over £50.
Bigot snatches the money with glee and heads off towards the door stating the class is at an end.                  

The bewildered student, who is more than a little frustrated, stops Bigot in his tracks and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?" Again without a word, the Bigot takes out his wallet, hands over £5, only to remind  the class the moral of the lesson : “ To pull a fast one over an opponent does not require you to be clever…..just bloody devious ! ”

Tuesday, 6 November 2012

RANKINGS RANKLE RONNIE..... ( Article by Bigot-Johnson )

Ronnie has never been one for being second best. Even when he is having a bad day with the cards, he expects his successful opponents to recognise that they are still inferior to him . To even suggest or hint that he is less of a bridge player than them would be like signing their own death warrants. He gets very upset and angry when others are disrespectful and smug.
So when the EBU published the latest list of rankings related to players at the Slaughter House BC, Ronnie took real offence at being graded as a lowly advanced master, and even greater offence at the fact that others ranked above him were complete tossers. Naturally, he told the EBU to stop this ludicrous form of grading and assessment .....or else heads would roll.....literally.
Bridge for Ronnie is all about deep psychology, table presence,  technical skill and pitting one's wits and brains against players of the highest calibre in a high stakes game of rubber bridge. In this field he is an expert, where he is happy to see his numerous successes go without any recognition, acknowledgement, or publicity. 
Not surprisingly, he gets extremely upset when baby rabbits put in umpteen appearances at green pointed events, and then, by scraping together a winning round or two against even bigger bunnies, they earn themselves undeserved awards. Flushed with success of promotions  they foolishly make the grave mistake of lording their superior status and ranking over Ronnie. Not for very long I might add. 
Moreover, he sees bridge as a game to be enjoyed irrespective of who his partner is , and not a tiresome never-ending treadmill of infinite advancements. This endless and pointless exercise simply turns even mediocre players into " picky, persnickety types ",  who constantly ditch unhelpful partners for better ones in the quest for green pointed glory. Loyalty to partners means everything to Ronnie. Loyalty of his partners to him is of course mandatory. That code of behavior should not... and cannot.....ever be broken.



Sunday, 4 November 2012

21 THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A BRIDGE PLAYER SAY.................... ( Article by Carp )

  • Sorry, that defeat was all down to my bad play
  • The next round is on me
  • Bigot-Johnson is a gentleman and a scholar
  • There are far more able players than me, who should be taking my place in the team
  • When TDs rule against me I take all their decisions with grace and disciplined approval
  • Yes, I would love to volunteer and help out the committee 
  • Partner, you were right after all
  • I haven't got a clue as to what you're talking about
  • There's no way I could do a better job if I was running the club
  • Partner, thanks for being so understanding and tolerant
  • Our opponents deserved to win
  • Yes, I know of the convention but I don't really understand it 
  • You choose partner where you would like to sit
  • My success had more to do with luck than ability
  • I respect and value the views of all club members
  • I always rely on my partners to carry me through
  • I welcome criticism 
  • I never criticise players when I'm guilty of making the same mistakes  
  • How much do I owe the driver for petrol ?
  • I often prick my ears when players make comments about boards coming my way
  • My only chance of winning is when I'm up against against clueless rabbits   

Friday, 2 November 2012

PANTOPOD'S LAMENT.............
( A short poem by Dr.Sigmund T. Schukelgruber who was clearly inspired by the lyric's of Bob Dylan's " Knockin' On Heaven's Door " )

Partner, take this system card off of me
I can't use it anymore
My days of bridge are numbered
I'm headin' for the exit door
( chorus)
Head...head...headin' for the exit door
Head...head...headin' for the exit door

Partner, Bigot's gun has just been loaded
I can see what he has in store
That long black cloud is comin' down
I'm headin' for the exit door
( chorus)
He's etched a bullet with my name on it
I've read the signs, I know the score
He's out to see the end of me
I'm headin' for the exit door
God, it's hell when you're a 2%-er
And you're hated to the core
Everyone tells me I'm a dead man
I'm headin' for the exit door
Head...head....headin' for the exit door
Head...head....headin' for the exit door

Thursday, 1 November 2012

OH THAT WAS DIFFERENT !........ ( Article by Carp )

The following conversation was recently overheard in the bar at the Slaughter House Bridge Club....

Devoted supporter of Bigot-Johnson (DS) :  It's our duty as ordinary members to fully support the decisions our reverent chairman.... and his hard working committee
Disillusioned member (DM) :  Why ?
DS : Because we've just voted them again in at tonight's AGM....
DM : But no one else put their names forward to contest any of the offices or committee places on offer 
DS : That's irrelevant........this is what real democracy is all about......they have been properly voted in, as our chosen representatives, to run the club.... and to make difficult ....maybe even contentious decisions. Every member therefore is obliged to back them up being prepared in all circumstances to endorse their decisions.....come what may 
DM : Even if the decisions are wrong........or insane ? 
DS : Yes....providing they were made in the best interests of the members,  we have an obligation to trust their judgement and to stand by them......through thick or thin......good times and bad times.....and even more so when they may have made a bad call
DM : But hold on a minute......aren't certain members of this committee the same people who a few years ago slagged off the previous committee.......who help stabbed the former chairman in the back......and who orchestrated, with the help of a few gerrymandered votes,  a successful takeover..... putting themselves into positions of power in the process ?
DS : No comment....
DM : So please tell me....why didn't they.... when acting as ordinary members..... get behind and support the decisions of the previous committee during that very challenging and troublesome period in the club's history ?  
DS : Oh...that was different !..........