LAW REPORT : R v. BIGOT-JOHNSON ( 2012 )

( In one of the strangest cases ever , Bigot-Johnson was brought before a Crown Court judge on charges yet to be decided. A short extract from the trial's transcript appears below. )

Judge ( J ) : What is it this time ?.....Someone please tell me what this bridge playing reprobate is being charged with today ?
Prosecutor ( P ) : That's kind of hard to say.....
J : Go on....give it a shot.....
P : Well, your honour , the police dragged him out of a pond , which was located just the other side of boundary fence separating the Walnut Tree Allotment BC grounds from a residential property
J : Fishing on private land......without a licence.....and without the owner's permission ?
P : No....your honour
J : OK then.....what about charging him with unauthorized use of recreational water facilities ?
P : Sorry, no..... it transpires that Bigot had just been thrown from the top of the club house roof by members who didn't take kindly to his continued presence on the property
J : Flying with a pilot's licence ?
P : I'm afraid not.....he was in fact being expelled from the club having refused to leave by the front door in a dignified and gentlemanly way 
J : Ah yes....this means in effect we can charge him with being an unlawful visitor, trespassing on bridge club property since his permission to stay had been revoked   
P :  If only....it seems that certain members took exception to him calling his inept partner something really awful  
J : Why.....what happened ?
P : The fool trumped Bigot's winning side-suit Ace thereby enabling the opponents to make a seemingly impossible game in spades 
J : Ah.....then why not charge him with assault causing say acute psychological harm ?
P : Not really appropriate.....he simply called her " a prat "
J : Well, what then ?.....Have you got a charge in mind ?
P : Yes....it's causing the unnecessary suffering,   contamination and death to all the little creatures that lived in the pond 
J : I'll buy that......looking at how overweight this monstrous man is......he must have made a mighty big splash.......in fact I'll send him down for 2 years for such an offence
B-J : Hold on here......I'm the victim of a crime ....not the perpetrator !
J : That may be so......but we don't happen to like your face.......and in this court your name is mud. Moreover, the nature of your crime is one of strict liability.....which means there are no defenses available
B-J : Are you sure there's such a crime ?
J : Well...... if it's not in the statute books, then I've just created such an offence.....as is my prerogative 
B-J : Oh bugger