Monday, 31 December 2012


Sunday, 30 December 2012

" Bigot......I thought the club members had persuaded you to stop digging this hole ! "
" Yes......they did.....the buggers......they even took it upon themselves to get a petition going to make me fill it in "
" So how come I find you digging yourself a hole that must be all of a mile deep ? "
" Well, when I managed to fill in the hole,  I then found myself with a mountain of dirt left over which I was unable to pack back in..........."
" So why start all over again digging another hole ? "
" Well, the same buggers got a second petition going, which forced me to dig an even deeper hole.... as the best way of getting rid of all the excess dirt from the first dig  "
" really are in serious need of help......... "
" Any chance then of finding me a longer rope ladder ? "    

Saturday, 29 December 2012


(  Bigot-Johnson, for the fourth day running, was seen frantically digging a hole right next to the club house wall.  This time a very concerned and worried club member walked over to the madman, desperate to get some answers to satisfy her curiosity. )

" What on earth are you doing ? "
" Digging a hole ! "
" But why ? "
" Because some smart arse club member advised me not to...... "
" So why dig the hole anyway ? "
" Advising or telling me not to dig a hole simply fills me with the motivation and determination to get a spade and start digging....." 
" But you've made the hole so big you're in danger of seriously damaging the foundations of the club house " 
" Well, I never.....someone else warned me about that ...."
" So why don't you stop digging this hole.....and start filling it back up again "
" That would be capitulation on my part.....It would be ludicrous for me to stop now after all the time, effort and money I've put into this venture......because all of that would then be for nothing. Moreover, to waste even more time, effort and money into filling the hole would be an insane option "
" So why not stop..... leave the hole as it is..........and simply call it a day "
" I can't....heavens above woman....once I've started a job I have to see it through to the bitter end "
" And when will that be ? "
" When the hole has become an abyss.....all an consuming black hole..... which everyone , including myself, will be sucked into.....and consumed "
" Bigot..... I mean need serious help........"
" By Jove, you're right..........go fetch that other spade ,leaning up against my car.......... and start digging "

Wednesday, 26 December 2012

BRIDGE BOOKS DESTINED TO MAKE IT BIG IN 2013.........( Predictions by Pun )   

  • After This Hand Partner, Go And See To The Baby..............Nappy Brown
  • Good Grief Did I Just See You Throw A Bridgemate?...........Noah Stone
  • Bridge In The Night Garden................................................Tom Lee Bews
  • Partner, Now That's What I Call A Quality Suit !...................Erin Bone
  • In Time That Lady Will Become A Top Class Player.............Sheila Spire
  • Partner, We Need To Be Honest With Each Other................Les B. Frank  
  • Under Attack From Flying Bridgemates ?............................Ariel A. Salt
  • Partner, First Thing Tomorrow I Promise To Come Good......Dawn Sue Pryse
  • Trust Me, That Member Will Never Return To This Club........Egon Foreshaw
  • That Woman Never Lets Opponents Intimidate Her...............Frieda Note
  • One Of My Team Members Is Off His Head.........................Ivor Madden  

" Members are forbidden to throw anything. Any breach of this rule will certainly lead to suspension, possibly expulsion. Since the liability is so strict, each member needs to be acutely aware that he/she MUST NOT :

- throw a tantrum
- throw a paddy, wobbly or fit
- throw up ( over another )
- throw a party
- throw dirt at committee members
- throw his/her money around
- throw opponents off balance
- throw his/her hands up in digust
- throw an insult
- throw a hand in
- throw a spanner into the works
- throw the book at someone
- throw his/her weight around
- throw a punch
- throw a bridgemate
- throw a game
- throw a match
- throw the towel in
- throw a baby out with the bathwater

If anyone is found guilty of committing one or more of the above acts, the committee will reserve its right TO THROW THAT MEMBER OUT BY HIS/HER EARS "

Monday, 24 December 2012

CHRISTMAS CAROL ...... ( Part 2 )

Back in bed again Bigot spent the next hour tossing.....and turning.....but to no avail. As hard as he tried he could not get to sleep.Then precisely at 4 o'clock another apparition appeared dressed up like the grim reaper. Bigot went stiff with fear.
" I have come for you Bigot-Johnson. I am the ghost of Christmas future.....and I am here to reveal what fate awaits you. "
" Oh no, does that mean I'm about to be caught out by the police over that consignment of viagra tablets I stole ? Well....I'm not that worried......I've got enough evidence that will surely stand up in court to prove my innocence "
" Or perhaps your guilt ? ....Anyway enough of this are about to see your end "
Bigot was devastated over such a prospect , but the ghost showed him no mercy as he took Bigot to a cemetery. He saw himself being thrown into a large eight foot hole to be buried alive under  tons of paper, which listed all the wrongdoings he committed at the bridge table, and terrible things he did to members of his own club. Box load after box load of papers rained on top of him : death at the hands of those who he had wrongfully expelled from the Slaughter House. Struggling to breathe, he was getting hot and agitated.  Sweat oozed from every pore in his body. 

Dr. John now looked looked very perturbed and concerned.
" Bigot ....when I count to 3 and click my fingers you will wake up and forget ( click of fingers ) "
" Where am I.....who are you......what am I doing here ? "
" You are in my surgery......I'm Dr. John your psycho-therapist......and you are undergoing my radically new hypnosis therapy. I have been exploring the dark corners of your subconscious mind......finding burning issues you have left unresolved.......uncovering all those powerful emotions and feelings you have chosen to bury God seem haunted by so many ghosts ? "
" Oh dear.....yet these ghosts you speak of mean something to me.....I have a sense of needing to be a better and more caring person "
" No chance of that.....for you Bigot are beyond help.....beyond redemption and beyond are, and will continue to be.....a vile, nasty, amoral inhuman being.......and this session of course will knock you back £60 "
"'re nothing more than a thieving charlatan.....and I'll pay you £20 .....and not a penny more ! "
" But it's Christmas "
" Christmas... means nothing to here's your money....I'm off you bugger .....there are pantopods out there that need stuffing...."


Sunday, 23 December 2012

A CHRISTMAS CAROL THE LIKES YOU'VE NEVER COME ACROSS BEFORE........ ( An abridged version of a Dicken's classic as retold by Pun )

Just as Bigot reached his front door of his home he heard a clanging noise behind him. He quickly turned round and there standing before him, draped and manacled in chains,  was Pantopod, whose dead body should still be weighted down at the bottom of the lake. 
" I've been waiting for you Bigot.....where have you been this Christmas Eve night ? "
" I've spent whole night down at the Fawcett Inn, the house of ill repute " 
" Heavens above Bigot....what sort of place is that ? "
" Liquor in the front.....and poker in the rear ! "
" Well, enough of the pleasantries......I'm here on a mission.....and that is to give you a warning about what you are going to experience later......... when the bells toll for thee at midnight "
 But before Bigot could say " sod off ", the haunting apparition of his first ever victim suddenly evaporated  from view. 
Once inside his house he quickly jumped into bed to contemplate what to do with his huge collection of french letters. Despite having the central heating on at full blast, the air turned icy cold, and emerging from the vapours of a strange white mist appeared the ghost of Christmas past. The spectre reached out grabbed his hand,  transporting Bigot back to the days when he was an up and coming young bridge player, enjoying his time with lots of friends and admirers. They were laughing and joking at the numerous gifts the wooden tops kept showering upon them.
" I remember all that ..."
"Ah...but do you remember the day a young lady asked you to be her partner ? "
" Yes.......and I declined because she wasn't up to my standard "
" are turned her down her because of your sexist, anti-female attitudes. Well, guess what....she turned out to be Britain's finest player , and if you had partnered her you  would gone on to win every major tournament,  competing on the world's stage for years to come . "
" Bugger "
And on that bitter realization of what might have been, Bigot then found himself back in his bed racked with resentment and regret.
Then as the bell tolled 2 o'clock another ghost appeared. Bigot gave a little scream and a jerk, and so relieved himself. 
" Enough of that.......I am the ghost of Christmas present and I want to take you on a journey of self-discovery ....."
" Where are we going ? "
" To the Pantopod house to see how the wife is coping without a husband, and the children without their father "
Within seconds Bigot was inside their front room, a hovel of a place, with just a solitary present
at the base of a small limp, dying Christmas tree. A photograph of poor Percy hung from the wall taken days before he mysteriously disappeared. He couldn't help but notice the deep psychological scars on his tormented and tortured face. Here was a man he had mentally crippled by his relentless bullying and harassment at the table, before deciding to do him in. 
The place was full of sadness and sorrow with the children still grieving for their beloved father.
" I can take no more.....please get me away from here......I beg you "
Instantly , Bigot was transported to the house of the world finest lady player , who was having a high stakes rubber bridge party with some the best names known in the world of bridge today.
" I knew one chap " ,she said, " who turned down me as his partner. What a player he could have been if he hadn't chosen to team up with Freddy Flywheel. They resorted to underhand tactics and cheating to win low ranking competitions. From that point on he lost the ability to enjoy his bridge, and to develop his obvious talent. By allowing a " win-at-any-cost " mentality to take over....he allowed his game to suffer. "
Bigot sighed.

( Part 2 to follow tomorrow )


Saturday, 22 December 2012


Oh yes, I'm at the end of my tether attending bridge clubs that are more in keeping with approved centers for cheating.
Time and time again I get completely stitched up by opponents who have in their bidding boxes a whole variety of " double " cards, each carrying a specific message,  which of course can only be deciphered by their partner.
You don't believe me ?  Well, allow me to convince you otherwise.
In my box I have an identical set of double cards but , strangely and bizarrely, in my opponents' bidding boxes there appears to be at least 6 different sets. For instance, their double cards can be :
- sharp edged
- crisp ( mint condition)
- flimsy, wafer thin
- thick and weighty
- faded in colour 
- dark crimson red
Obviously, each type of double card carries a clear and precise message with regards to :
- the purpose behind the bid,  be it take out or business
- the relative strength of the hand
- whether or not the bidder is well stacked in the suit doubled
- whether OR NOT that double can be pulled
So am I paranoid ?  Who knows......yet what I do know is this. Some pairs I have come across have an uncanny knack of knowing what to do after their partner doubles : when to pull it, what the best response bid should be, when to pass and convert the double into a penalty double, and what's the nature of the defensive tricks. 
In my view it had to come down to which particular double card they pulled out of the bidding box.....or may be my paranoia is causing me to miss the more obvious truth........the devious and subtle way in which the double card is placed on the table.   

Friday, 21 December 2012

( Festive research by Pun )               
  • Getting My Prayer Mat Out All The Time Is Killing Me ...........Denise R. Hurting 
  • Captain, You Can Always Rely On Us........................................Paul R. Waite
  • Partner, Duck Awkward Questions And Keep Your Mouth Shut......Bill Holding
  • That Top He Stole From Us Was Highway Robbery....................Toby Mann
  • I Want To Be Your Partner For Life............................................Marie Mee 
  • I'm Neither A Thief Nor A Cheat.................................................Nora Beggarby
  • My Partner Never Abides By The Rules.....................................Maive Rick
  • She's Tuning In To Table Talk From The Next Room !..................Dora Jarr
  • Heavens Above, There's A Bridgemate Heading Your Way..........Bess Duck
  • Oh Dear, We're Up Against The Big Guns Next...........................Art Hillary

Wednesday, 19 December 2012

BIGOT-JOHNSON PULLS A FAST ONE OVER OLD NICK HIMSELF......( An unbelievable but true story by Bridgemeister Gibson ) 

Desperate to win a trophy....any trophy in fact....Bigot made the decision to sponsor the one professional who could guarantee him success. It was Old Nick, the devil himself. So without any hesitation or concern Bigot entered into a pact where he would gladly hand over his soul, providing the devil helped him to win the next big pairs event coming up at the Walnut Tree Allotment Society BC.
As it happened the field was a very weak one indeed. Nine pairs were made up of of little old ladies all suffering from short-term memory problems. Six pairs were scratch ones made up of  floaters who always found it difficult to keep regular partners. The other three pairs seemed the only ones capable of counting to 13 and following suit.
The competition was a walkover for Bigot. Forty-two boards were played over two sessions, and Old Nick was declarer in 27 of them, most of which were well bid games and slams effortlessly brought home by superior technique and ability. It was though the man of horns could read through the backs of the opponents' cards ( which obviously he could ! ). His doubles were devastating, and not surprisingly their final score was announced as " a record breaking 86.7 % ". This came about from registering 30 outright tops and 12 boards well above average. Bigot of course drooled with delight as he went up to receive the trophy he so desperately craved,  not to mention the £60 winners' cheque that came with it.
However, once outside the club house Old Nick approached Bigot to remind him of the agreement he had entered into.
" I've come to collect your soul, Bigot " 
" OK....a deal is a can have it " replied the nonchalant and delirious trophy holder.
But when the devil peered into Bigot's twisted and demented psyche, all that could be seen was a corrupt, vain, dishonest, stupid, hypocritical, depraved, greedy, bad tempered, and utter self-centred person.

" Quite frankly..... ", said Old Nick, "....your soul is not worthy having. Somehow......... I get the feeling I've been duped "
" Indeed you have....", laughed Bigot, "......indeed you have "  


( Yet again the purge of pantopods was in full swing. Even sympathisers were targeting in an all out effort to rid the club of freeloaders, freedom fighters, free spirited and free thinking members. Now, up before the fearsome disciplinary panel was Tilly Tubby , an outspoken critic of Bigot-Johnson and his cronies. A short extract from the hearing's transcript appears below. )

Tilly : What the devil is this hearing all about ?  There's been no letter of complaint sent in about me..... So what on earth I have been accused of ?
B-J : How dim and stupid can you be ? ......You haven't a bloody clue ( have you ? ) as to how this club operates ? It is our mission .....and of course,our insurance.....that we the committee build up dossiers of what the likes of you.....and others....have been up to.......both inside and outside the club. Clearly, breaking the news like this has taken you by surprise.
Tilly : What !!
B-J : Yes....all sorts of stuff...........any dirty linen...........skeletons in your closet.............tittle tattle gossip......ugly rumours.....anything in fact that makes good reading .....or as is more likely....... anything that makes the veins on my forehead throb loudly and vehemently....
Tilly : Dossiers !!
B-J : Yes......which in your case ran to 100's of pages.......ground breaking stuff, I might add. Moreover, it is as long... and as detailed..... as the Oxford English Dictionary.....and its stuffed with information about all your misdemeanours.....ranging from your school detentions , parking ticket fines, and numerous reports of you breaking wind in the ladies' toilets, breaking tempo in your bidding and play, breaking all manner of club rules, and breaking rank with our supporters and lackeys. Indeed, our sub-zero tolerance policy requires us to break the mould .....and to break free from the soft-slap-on-the-wrist approach adopted by former committees. We mean business.
Tilly : Give me a break.......this is an outrage !!
B-J : Listen you....clubs like ours can only operate in an effective, efficient and expedient way if committee decisions are not challenged. We have to break with tradition .....democracy has no role or place in the running of the Slaughter House BC. We pride ourselves on making decisions,  in full knowledge of the facts and issues that are relevant to the process in hand. Keeping a dossier on your nefarious activities... and your dark and dodgy past..... was vital if we are to fulfill our mission... 
Tilly : Which is ?
B-J : Ethnic cleansing......the purification of the club's membership.......which means getting rid of you for starters 
Tilly : But I've got friends here who will miss me dearly
B-J : You're breaking my heart....but hey let's get things into perspective...... it's all for a good cause. Remember, to make a good omelette one has to break a few eggs....
Tilly : But what particular crime am I supposedly guilty of ?
B-J : The evidence we have before us......the weight of which would break the back of any bull elephant.....clearly proves that you are a total embarrassment to this club, and that your continued presence here would cause others members to feel both guilty and ashamed to be associated with this place.....
Tilly : Well, I've heard enough...and I'm off .....but sure as hell I'll going to be suing you Bigot for thousands....with every intention to break your bank account
B-J : That's've had your clear off.......Ronnie, escort this ex-member off the premises....and make sure she takes this massive dossier with her......the cupboard space it leaves behind will make plenty of room for the next batch,  due to be compiled over the next few weeks.......why I do believe it's break time..... 
Reggie :   Sorry boss, I forgot to bring the tea and biscuits.....
B-J : Bugger.... 

The SHBC kindly donated a taped recording of the above hearing to a medico-charitable trust called   " Big Yawn Productions ". Set up by Dr. John in 2008, this organisation has developed its client base around those few unfortunate blog reading bridge players , who have sleeping disorders and/or sleep related problems. This prized recording will be transferred onto disc,  and made freely available to help all those yawning clients, in desperate need of sleep,  to actually fall asleep.  

Tuesday, 18 December 2012

AN UPDATED VERSION OF A WONDERFUL LITTLE POEM BY REGINALD ARKELL.....( I'm sure he would have approved)..........By Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber

I hear you calling

I hear you calling 2NT
A bid I understand
can't do anything but pass
I've such a woeful hand
Next you're calling 4NT
God, you love to set the pace
I can't do anything but pass
You know I've got no Ace
Let the oppo buy the contract
Don't invite me to bid a slam
I can't do anything but pass
What fool do you think I am
So your final call gets doubled
I can see the opponents grin
But now you're calling me " a prat "
For the trouble you got us in

Sunday, 16 December 2012


( A nearly true story by Bridgemeister Gibson )

In big competitions there comes a defining moment on which success or failure depends. In tennis it is often match point. In bridge it can be the play of a single card on a critical hand.
As it so often happens Bigot, with his rather shifty-looking partner, had huffed and puffed their way onto the top table only to find themselves up against two pantopods , who stood between them and that elusive piece of silverware. 
Glory for one pair had now come down to the last hand of the 7 board set. His partner had been dealt a nine card club suit to the queen/jack, while Bigot held 9 miserable cards in the majors....... but joy upon joy....... 3 diamonds to the Ace
Due to a complete cock up in the bidding the pantopods, with a massive 5-5 fit,  overbid their way to 7 diamonds, but before his partner had reached for the pass card..... the impetuous Bigot stuck in a double ! 
The TD was called over to rule upon this bid out of turn, allowing declarer to accept it with another round of bidding available. Declarer immediately converted to 7NT, which after two passes Bigot was in again doubling...... with an even bigger sadistic grin. and menacing look in his eye. But before his partner was able to place a card on the table, an even more impetuous Bigot a complete rush of blood...... tabled the Ace of diamonds for the opening lead.
Once more the TD was called over to rule upon this lead out of turn. The ruling proved both fateful and cruel. The Ace of diamonds had to remain on the table as a penalty card to be played at the first opportunity. His bereft and gob smacked partner decided to kick off with the queen of clubs. Pantopod, with Ax opposite a stiff King, took the trick in dummy, returned to hand with a top spade, and then played the Ace of clubs at trick 3......on which poor Bigot had to discard the exposed penalty card. So now with 5 winning diamonds to cash the contract sneaked home for a trophy winning top.
Bigot indeed had shot himself in the foot twice,  through his rash, impulsive actions. But isn't that that folly of any red blooded bridge player,  who allows his venomous and fired-up emotions to prevail over common sense, patience and sound judgement.        

Saturday, 15 December 2012


.......that they are a few individuals out there who read my blog only to satisfy their ulterior and sinister motives, or to pass negative and unwarranted comments.
Clearly one unhappy reader found my last post " a huge yawn " yet the message it carried was one of immense relevance to all bridge clubs the world over. Based and inspired by a true case, beneath the spoof there lurked a harsh reality check  . All too often the law comes across as an intricate web of complex issues, resolved by subtle distinctions,  clever arguments and/or counter-arguments. Indeed,  the purpose of the post in question was to flag up the folly of flouting the law through ignorance, especially when clubs get involved in disciplinary proceedings, leading to suspensions and expulsions.
Perhaps next time this anonymous critic will have " the balls " to reveal his/her name, and make constructive observations rather than inane and unhelpful comments. As a result of this unsympathetic remark I would like to dedicate a little poem to any yawner who finds these law reports a tad tiresome....or should a say repetitively boring......

Oh man of yawning
The day is dawning
My law reports boring ?
Not true.....
Oh man of yawning
Take heed of my warning
For " boredom " alas
Is a reflection of you


Friday, 14 December 2012


( In keeping with the purge on pantopods the Slaughter House club committee handed out 50 lashes, and a 3 month suspension to the youngest member , Percy Pantopod Junior, for sticking a finger up in front of an opponent at the table. Determined to seek substantial damages for his humiliation, distress and pain,  the plaintiff also put in a claim for wrongful suspension. The case was heard at Doncaster County Court, and a short extract from the trial's transcript can be seen below. )

B-J :   Surely to God, your honour, when the committee had to deal with this brat, who has always been a persistent pain in the butt , tough action was called for. His long record of misconduct I believe entitled the committee to disregard the requirement to give him a hearing. Heavens above....there was no point in him having one,  as our minds had already been made up as to what we were going to do.
Judge : Sorry to correct on this point....even if Junior over there was Jack The Ripper,  he was still entitled in law to have a hearing.....  if only to challenge the charges made against him, and to conduct his defense
B-J : But...but....surely his outrageous trouble-making antics exempted the committee from having to deal with this shocking table incident in an unbiased and nonprejudicial way ?
Judge : I'm afraid is the requirement of any committee who choose to act in a quasi-judicial way to conduct disciplinary hearings with reasonable objectivity and impartiality, by being completely free of bias and prejudice. Any committee member who had a  personal axe to grind should have acknowledged his/her inability to be impartial...... and stepped down. Pantopod Junior's lawyer found it all to easy to establish both actual bias and  " reasonable suspicion " of bias regarding several of the committee members. 
B-J : This is a nonsense.......yes, it's one on the committee liked this brat one jot.....but it would have been impossible to find anyone on the committee who didn't have it in for him.....
Judge : Then I would suggest to you that it would have been more prudent and wise to have referred this disciplinary matter to an outside independent body
B-J : Hold on a mo....given that we were dealing with a monster,  surely the committee had to be exempt from applying rules of natural justice when the outcome was to the benefit of the club and its membership as a whole ?
Judge : Again are wrong....even for small insignificant unincorporated associations, like your bridge club, committees have to embrace the basic requirements of natural justice, especially when there was the likelihood that the disciplined member was at risk of losing his contractual rights, albeit temporarily....
B-J : Then the law is as ass.....because the committee had a mandate to make this club a social and friendly place to come. Moreover, the committee secured a massive vote of approval over the way in which we dealt with Pantopod Junior. Might is right is it not ?
Judge : Yet are wrong. This court is only concerned with the question whether or not your committee conducted the disciplinary process in a correct, fair and proper way. Loosely going through the disciplinary stages, as laid down in the constitution, is not enough, especially when the reality displayed all the hallmarks of a kangaroo court. 
B-J : I just don't get an unincorporated association we should be entitled to make up rule changes to the constitution as we go along, to bend them as we see fit, and to circumvent those we don't like when needs must ?
Judge : Bigot are incorrigible...... for failure to conform to your constitution puts all your members at risk at being exposed to the whims and fancies, likes and dislikes, of committee members.....leaving club members with legitimate grievances but without any remedy 
B-J : But....but..... Percy Junior did ask for and get an appeal hearing to challenge his expulsion in front of a randomly selected panel
Judge: Were all the members' names put into a hat ? 
B-J : Absolutely not....only those we knew we could trust to do a good job.....if you know what I mean
Judge :  In my view, this appeal was the equivalent of shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted. It did not absolve you from your failing to give poor Percy Junior a hearing when these punishments were imposed.  So not another word from you Bigot !  I have no time to hear any more of your empty, hollow arguments. Therefore. I find in favour of Percy Pantopod who will be awarded..... despite coming across as tearaway in need of a good flogging  .... £5,000 damages and costs for his wrongful suspension.
B-J : Oh bugger

( The above law report is a parody of a true case that took place in the High Court of Malaya, where the plaintiff successfully sued for wrongful suspension. Apparently, she suggested to another lady member that she would be better off going elsewhere  " and opening her legs " . By failing to give her a hearing , and by allowing a highly biased committee member the opportunity to influence others, both these major flaws undermined and tainted the whole disciplinary process. Not surprisingly the judge, following a whole raft of English law precedents found in favour of the plaintiff, awarding her $10,000 damages and costs. ) 


Thursday, 13 December 2012


The ideal candidate should possess :
- a lust ( or craving ) for the trappings of power
- a predisposition to allow bias and prejudice to colour his/her judgement 
- gerrymandering skills which politicians would be proud of
- a high tolerance for ambiguity, misinformation, and lack of information
- a tendency or preoccupation to let irrelevant concerns govern critical decisions 
- an innate psychological trait to be forever in denial
- a belief that loyalty is of paramount importance no matter how misguided
- a natural instinct to be both subservient and compliant 
- a firm belief that free speech, free thinking and free spirit have no place in committees
- a sheep-like mentality alongside the wisdom of a lemming
- a predisposition to be easily manipulated, corrupted, brain-washed and indoctrinated by
  bullying, unscrupulous, and devious leaders
- a willingness to take on the role of a " yes " person having a non-confrontational attitude, 
  and a strong desire to please those in authority
- wimpish and cowardly character traits
- a passionate desire and commitment to be a hard working, obedient team player
- a deep seated fear ( or hatred ) of pantopods

Wednesday, 12 December 2012


Responsibilities and duties include :
- To recite the oath of allegiance to the club chairman , Bigot-Johnson, at the start of each and every committee meeting
- To endorse the flawed vision and dubious wisdom of the chairman
- To acknowledge and fully embrace the duty of confidentiality, the principle of collective responsibility, and the doctrine of blind faith
- Never to engage in idle gossip with the ordinary members, or to answer any of their questions regarding committee matters or affairs, no matter how insignificant they appear to be
- To fully support, and vote through, all constitutional rule changes designed to give the chairman unlimited and unfettered power
- To assist in all propaganda initiatives to mould, shape, direct and control the minds ( and actions ) of the membership, recognised for being both gullible and stupid 
- To seek, obtain, solicit and dig out any useful and damaging information on all dissident club members
- To assist in the compilation, and filing away, of secret folders on all dissident and undesirable members
- To wear black shirts and black boots at all club functions and duplicates, in order to announce your enhanced status and position within the club
- To promote a culture of double standards whereby the chosen few get all the privileges they thoroughly deserve
- To adopt and maintain a " us and them " mentality
- To place the needs, wishes and desires of the chairman above all other things
- To turn a blind eye to all questionable initiatives undertaken by the chairman, and any political shenanigans involving the club officers 
- To suppress all personal concerns and criticisms, or twangs of conscience, by adopting the mantra of the three monkeys
- To actively support the regular  " membership cleansing operations " ruthlessly carried out by the two new breeds of TDs ( namely the Terror Dispensing squad and the Termination Disposal specialists )      

Tuesday, 11 December 2012


Dear Rebecca,
I'm really upset. Certain members of my club have accused me , in my capacity as chairman, of being blinkered, biased, evasive,  economical with the truth, not dealing a straight hand ......and a whole lot more.
Well, let me tell you.....and them....that I am extremely proud of my achievements in being perfectly honest and sincere regarding all my dealings with others, no matter what scumbags they are.
Is it fair and right that these members can take such a jaundiced view  of me ?
Yours fast losing my faith in human nature,
                                       Howard Bigot-Johnson

Dear Bigot,
Please forgive me for not taking your side, for I feel obliged to leave you with the astute observations of Marcus Aurelius.....

How hollow and insincere it sounds when someone says  " I am determined to be perfectly straightforward with you " . Why, man, what is all this?  The thing needs no prologue; it will declare itself. It should be written on your forehead, it should echo in the tones of your voice, it should shine out in a moment from your eyes, just as a single glance from the beloved tells all to the lover. Sincerity and goodness ought to have their own unmistakable odour, so that one who encounters this becomes straightaway aware of it despite himself. A candour affected is a dagger concealed. The feigned friendship of the wolf is the most contemptible of all, and to be shunned beyond everything. A man who is truly good and sincere and well-meaning, will show by his looks, and no one can fail to see it. 

Yours clearly irritated by the depth of your self-delusion and self-denial, 

Monday, 10 December 2012

Friday, 7 December 2012

(  All the committee members and officers of the Slaughter House BC were charged with offences under The Cruelty To Animals Act 1849. Not surprisingly, Bigot-Johnson as chairman of the club, took it upon himself to prepare and present their defense. Seen below is a short extract from the trial's transcript. ) 

Prosecutor ( P ) : Bigot, you and your cronies have been charged with cruelty towards a wild animal.....
B-J : What animal ?
P : An elephant to be precise.....a particularly large grey creature with tusks and a trunk.... which has for over 2 years occupied the committee room inside your club.......only to be ignored and wilfully neglected
B-J : Excuse such elephant ever existed. Indeed, none of the committee members... nor I..... have ever seen this creature 
P : Exactly my point.....the fact you have all turned a blind eye to its presence proves beyond all reasonable doubt why this poor creature was left unfed, unwashed, and in a poor state of health.....and was it not for the sterling efforts of a few caring and concerned members.... this poor animal would have died
B- J : Listen, you feeble-minded fantasist.... there is no elephant.....there was no elephant.....all this bloody nonsense is just a figment of some rather over-active imaginations
P : I'm afraid not....... because the very same elephant is about to be brought into this court as damning evidence 
Judge : Bring it on.....
( The gallery gasps in disbelief as a massive bull elephant squeezes through the doors to take its place directly underneath the judge's bench ) 
P : Now can you see the elephant ?
B-J : No....I bloody well can't......
P : The prosecution's case is therefore proved....because you failing to see this elephant here in court...... demonstrates quite clearly....... why the animal came to be cruelly neglected in the first place. Your stubborn refusal to acknowledge the existence of this monstrous beast suggests to me that you are completely insane.....
B-J : Look.....must I repeat myself....... there is no elephant here.....and anyone who claims otherwise.... is nothing more than a filthy, low-down, despicable liar
Judge : How dare you make such an accusation..... heavens above Bigot, you've now got yourself into another whole heap of fact, I have had enough of your ignorance, stupidity, refusal to accept reality, selective blindness and outright arrogance.....I'm going to hold you in contempt of court,  and add another £100,000 fine to the one already imposed upon you for criminal negligence
B-J : Bugger.......but can someone please tell me where this sodding elephant is standing?....... I just can't see it !.......... I just can't see it !

Thursday, 6 December 2012

( A poem dedicated to Bigot-Johnson based on the Bob Dylan classic " Ballad Of A Thin Man " )

You walk into the room
With your pencil behind your ear
Then someone shouts out loud
" Who is that idiot, dear ? "
But you don't understand 
Why they scowl and frown
Why they treat you like a fool 
As if you were a clown
( Chorus )
Because something is happening here
But you don't know what it is
Do you Bigot-Johnson 

You raise up your head
To ask " What's the score ?"
So Panto points to the bridgemate
Which is lying on the floor
You then say " That's most unusual ? 
Did it fly there all on its own ? "
Clueless as to why... at you  
It has just been thrown
( Chorus )

You send your partners crazy
You make their bridge lives hell
Tales of your stupidity
Are far too many to tell
So how does it feel Bigot-Johnson
To be that useless and dim
To play the cards without thinking
To make every bid on a whim
( Chous )

Unable to make easy contracts
Against those considered as weak
The prospects of you ever winning
Remain so incredibly bleak
No one shows any respect
But that's not surprising at all
You'e regressed to being a child
Finding it difficult to even crawl
( Chorus )

So that's why so many players
Went down on their bended knees
 " Give this game up,  Bigot ......
We're begging....begging you, PLEASE ! "
But one instead stepped forward
To ask how you how it must feel
To be even more bloody useless
Than a bent and buckled wheel
( Chorus )

Yet not so very long ago
You tasted glory and fame
But early dementia then set in
Such a sad and awful shame
So when you say " What does this mean "
Well, it means you play like a rabbit
You make mistakes on every board
It's become an ingrained habit
( Chorus )

Now having become a liability
One montrous pain in the butt
The general consensus of opinion
Is that we really need to get shut
Since there happens to be no law
To stop you coming around
One solution that's crossed our minds  
Lies six foot under the ground

Now something is happening here
But you wont know what it is 
This simple squeeze around your neck 
Will fill us all with joy and bliss                                                                                                               


Wednesday, 5 December 2012

Monday, 3 December 2012


Getting in on the prizes for some players means nothing. Failing to lift the trophy leaves them bereft and bereaved. The exhaustion and pain which is etched on their faces is the unmistakable evidence of crushing disappointment .
Inevitably, players who just miss out start torturing themselves with an endless stream of " what if " and " if only"  post mortems on all those critical hands. Moreover, if they are not beating up partners they are beating up themselves.
Much of their distress is to do with expectation, which can be particularly acute for players who saw themselves as favourites to win, or who felt towards the end that victory was well within their grasp. In some cases however, it is the pressure that some players put themselves under by setting unrealistically high internal standards. This quest for perfection is not so much about winning : it is far more about not having done themselves full justice .
Yet thankfully,  there is a superb way to deal with the disappointment of coming second or third, without ever having to lay the blame on partner or yourself. the fact of the matter is that there is nothing you or anyone else could have done to change or influence the final result.
According to Marcus Aurelius " Either the world is a mere hotchpotch of random cohesions and dispersions, or else it is a unity of order and providence ". 
If it is the former, the result was ultimately decided by a whole series of random incidents generating either good fortune or misfortune all round, with everyone the victim of unpredictable and unexpected consequences. For instance, your name might well have been etched upon the trophy but for the unfortunate fact that someone had replaced the cards incorrectly back into the board causing it to be scrubbed. This board of course was one in which you had chalked up as a galactic top. 
If it is the latter scenario, then every result in the world of competitive bridge has been pre-ordained and predetermined by a higher authority. Your destiny and fate had already been set in concrete as part of a grand plan, where everything that happened was meant to be. Unity of order and providence demands that everything go according to what has already been mapped out.
Therefore , Marcus believes there is no point whatsoever in beating yourself up when ultimate victory has escaped from your grasp. Either it was never meant to be or that random events conspired against you. Trying one's best is what we must all set out to do, but  please allow a little philosophy to enter into your life,  if you wish to replace torment and pain with contentment and happiness. 


Saturday, 1 December 2012


He's Got His Eyes On That Top Lady Player.....................Willie Puller
There's Something About Her He Really Likes...................Gloria Stitz
Thanks For Asking For I Would Love To Play With You......Ima Goa
Not Now Partner, I'm Still Playing Cards............................Kara Smee-Layter
The Moment Of Truth Is Upon Us Partner.......................... Dick R. Denning
That Man Is Certainly On Top Of His Game.......................Percy Welling
The Moment Of Truth Has Finally Arrived...........................Isaac Humming
Oh No, We're In Right Trouble Partner...............................Johnny Splitt
It's Always Better To Come From Behind...........................Ria Dorman
Just Look At The State I'm Now In Partner.........................Carrie N. Child

Friday, 30 November 2012

BRIDGE BOOKS THAT TAKE SOME BEATING......( Claims an over-confident Pun )

Name Me One Committee Member Who Isn't Biased !............John Diss
The Slaughter House BC Is Hell On Earth.........................Godfrey Saken
Bridge Players Renown For Their Cheating.....................Upton O. Goode
When My Brain Fails Out Comes The Prayer Mat..........Hope Ferderbest
Players Renown For Flirting With Their Lady Partners.......Phil Landerers
I've Seen My Irate Partner Actually Froth At The Mouth...........Ray Beeze
What Happens To The Bidding On Freaky Deals ...........Carrie De Whey
Who Says I've Got A Pox Ridden Face ?................................Lotta Zitts
The Only Decent Partner She Had Quit In Disgust..............Herman Lefter
So You Would Like To Beat Bigot Into A Pulp Too ?..............Hugo Ferst 

Wednesday, 28 November 2012

BIGOT-JOHNSON'S TALE OF WOE...... ( Another nearly true story by Bridgemeister Gibson )

Up against his nemesis and arch-rival, Johnny Supremo, Bigot was to fall victim yet again to a far superior talent.
Johnny, sitting West, found himself in 6 NT doubled, on a hand rigged by Bigot to fail. 
West held : AKxx....987....Ax....AQ109
East held :    Qx.....AQxx...KQxxx....KJ
Bigot on lead confidently kicked off with the Jack of diamonds from his 4-2-5-2 holding, happy in the knowledge that his partner held KJ10 in his 3-4-1-5 distribution.
Johnny's table presence told him that nothing would be breaking nicely, and that the missing heart honours were sitting over East. Nevertheless, he proceeded to take the first 7 tricks with 4 clubs and 3 top diamonds, ending up in his own hand.
Bigot meanwhile had discarded his two miserable hearts, as did South who was desperate not to reveal the spade position. Johnny of course took stock of the situation.
South, had to have the 5th club, plus 2 top hearts and therefore only 3 spades. Bigot of course had to have four spades alongside his two boss diamonds. This meant the contract was home and dry.
Johnny now led a small heart which Bigot was forced to throw away a winning diamond. Nevertheless, he was still beaming at the prospect of declarer taking a doomed finesse. But not this one ! Johnny hopped up with the Ace and played a diamond putting Bigot back on lead. With 4 tricks remaining the inevitable spade return was taken in dummy, the winning diamond cashed, and with the AK of spades to come the contract was made.
Bigot was fuming so much , one rather concerned member felt it necessary to douse him with the contents of a fire a vain attempt to cool him down. The next step of of course was to hit him hard on the head with the empty container....which proved of course to be a far more effective solution. 


Tuesday, 27 November 2012


" Would all those who seek to endorse the committee's decision to sling Bigot-Johnson out of the club please raise your hands........"  

Monday, 26 November 2012


( In one of the strangest cases ever , Bigot-Johnson was brought before a Crown Court judge on charges yet to be decided. A short extract from the trial's transcript appears below. )

Judge ( J ) : What is it this time ?.....Someone please tell me what this bridge playing reprobate is being charged with today ?
Prosecutor ( P ) : That's kind of hard to say.....
J : Go on....give it a shot.....
P : Well, your honour , the police dragged him out of a pond , which was located just the other side of boundary fence separating the Walnut Tree Allotment BC grounds from a residential property
J : Fishing on private land......without a licence.....and without the owner's permission ?
P : No....your honour
J : OK then.....what about charging him with unauthorized use of recreational water facilities ?
P : Sorry, no..... it transpires that Bigot had just been thrown from the top of the club house roof by members who didn't take kindly to his continued presence on the property
J : Flying with a pilot's licence ?
P : I'm afraid not.....he was in fact being expelled from the club having refused to leave by the front door in a dignified and gentlemanly way 
J : Ah yes....this means in effect we can charge him with being an unlawful visitor, trespassing on bridge club property since his permission to stay had been revoked   
P :  If seems that certain members took exception to him calling his inept partner something really awful  
J : Why.....what happened ?
P : The fool trumped Bigot's winning side-suit Ace thereby enabling the opponents to make a seemingly impossible game in spades 
J : Ah.....then why not charge him with assault causing say acute psychological harm ?
P : Not really appropriate.....he simply called her " a prat "
J : Well, what then ?.....Have you got a charge in mind ?
P :'s causing the unnecessary suffering,   contamination and death to all the little creatures that lived in the pond 
J : I'll buy that......looking at how overweight this monstrous man is......he must have made a mighty big fact I'll send him down for 2 years for such an offence
B-J : Hold on here......I'm the victim of a crime ....not the perpetrator !
J : That may be so......but we don't happen to like your face.......and in this court your name is mud. Moreover, the nature of your crime is one of strict liability.....which means there are no defenses available
B-J : Are you sure there's such a crime ?
J : Well...... if it's not in the statute books, then I've just created such an is my prerogative 
B-J : Oh bugger

Saturday, 24 November 2012

Having taught the worst bunch of students  in years,  with well over 60% of the intake failing to make the grade, Bigot decided to give up more of his precious time to put on a series of remedial classes. This grand gesture took all the failing students by surprise.....until of course they cast their eyes upon the club's notice board. There in full view was a giant size poster which read as follows :

Friday, 23 November 2012


If ever a disorder was prevalent in bridge players, this one is it. Never in my life have I seen so many afflicted people as those who play this weird and wonderful game. In fact I would say that every male player has fallen victim to this disturbing condition. 
NPD is a pervasive disorder characterized by self-centeredness, lack of empathy , and an exaggerated sense of self-importance. Years  ago this condition was thought to be less common than other personality disorders such as borderline personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder, and histrionic personality disorder. Well, in my view, bridge players can succumb to one or all of these afflictions, but in today's sad and surreal world NPD is estimated to affect over 20% of a club's membership, being far more common among men than women.
Certainly, every male player has narcissistic personality traits,  which in some cases have developed into the fully blown disorder. Those with just the traits are often seen as arrogant, confident, and self-centered, but unlike the true sufferers they do not have the exaggerated or grandiose view of their own bridge abilities.
So how easy is it to spot an NPD player ? The answer is no problem at all !
He will be the one who loves to hold court with his flock of obedient listeners and admirers,  having of course .......
- an exagggerated sense of his own abilities and achievements
- an insatiable craving for attention, affirmation and praise
- a belief that he is unique or " special " and should only associate with other players of equal status and standing
- a sense of entitlement and expectation of special treatment, such as automatic selection and other privileges befitting a bridge celebrity
- a preoccupation with power and/or success
- a belief that others are envious of him
- a lack of empathy for the feelings of both partners and opponents alike
A sufferer will relentlessly feed off the attention and admiration of others , which heightens his level of arrogance, conceit, and haughtiness. However,  his exaggerated self-image is nothing more than a fragile state of mind. For the moment the praise and attention starts to ebb away or get withdrawn, his vulnerability becomes immediately exposed,  and his self-estemm immediately plummets. Furthermore, those players with acute NPD are incredibly sensitive to criticism, which will always viewed as a personal attack.
Inevitably, if admirers and sycophants are in short supply, then sufferers might well retreat from the bridge scene having sunk into a deep, almost incurable, depression. Therapy of course can be especially difficult because clients refuse to acknowledge the disorder, whether they are on a high when holding court .....or on a low when downing bottles of gin.