Wednesday, 19 December 2012


( Yet again the purge of pantopods was in full swing. Even sympathisers were targeting in an all out effort to rid the club of freeloaders, freedom fighters, free spirited and free thinking members. Now, up before the fearsome disciplinary panel was Tilly Tubby , an outspoken critic of Bigot-Johnson and his cronies. A short extract from the hearing's transcript appears below. )

Tilly : What the devil is this hearing all about ?  There's been no letter of complaint sent in about me..... So what on earth I have been accused of ?
B-J : How dim and stupid can you be ? ......You haven't a bloody clue ( have you ? ) as to how this club operates ? It is our mission .....and of course,our insurance.....that we the committee build up dossiers of what the likes of you.....and others....have been up to.......both inside and outside the club. Clearly, breaking the news like this has taken you by surprise.
Tilly : What !!
B-J : Yes....all sorts of stuff...........any dirty linen...........skeletons in your closet.............tittle tattle gossip......ugly rumours.....anything in fact that makes good reading .....or as is more likely....... anything that makes the veins on my forehead throb loudly and vehemently....
Tilly : Dossiers !!
B-J : Yes......which in your case ran to 100's of pages.......ground breaking stuff, I might add. Moreover, it is as long... and as detailed..... as the Oxford English Dictionary.....and its stuffed with information about all your misdemeanours.....ranging from your school detentions , parking ticket fines, and numerous reports of you breaking wind in the ladies' toilets, breaking tempo in your bidding and play, breaking all manner of club rules, and breaking rank with our supporters and lackeys. Indeed, our sub-zero tolerance policy requires us to break the mould .....and to break free from the soft-slap-on-the-wrist approach adopted by former committees. We mean business.
Tilly : Give me a break.......this is an outrage !!
B-J : Listen you....clubs like ours can only operate in an effective, efficient and expedient way if committee decisions are not challenged. We have to break with tradition .....democracy has no role or place in the running of the Slaughter House BC. We pride ourselves on making decisions,  in full knowledge of the facts and issues that are relevant to the process in hand. Keeping a dossier on your nefarious activities... and your dark and dodgy past..... was vital if we are to fulfill our mission... 
Tilly : Which is ?
B-J : Ethnic cleansing......the purification of the club's membership.......which means getting rid of you for starters 
Tilly : But I've got friends here who will miss me dearly
B-J : You're breaking my heart....but hey let's get things into perspective...... it's all for a good cause. Remember, to make a good omelette one has to break a few eggs....
Tilly : But what particular crime am I supposedly guilty of ?
B-J : The evidence we have before us......the weight of which would break the back of any bull elephant.....clearly proves that you are a total embarrassment to this club, and that your continued presence here would cause others members to feel both guilty and ashamed to be associated with this place.....
Tilly : Well, I've heard enough...and I'm off .....but sure as hell I'll going to be suing you Bigot for thousands....with every intention to break your bank account
B-J : That's've had your clear off.......Ronnie, escort this ex-member off the premises....and make sure she takes this massive dossier with her......the cupboard space it leaves behind will make plenty of room for the next batch,  due to be compiled over the next few weeks.......why I do believe it's break time..... 
Reggie :   Sorry boss, I forgot to bring the tea and biscuits.....
B-J : Bugger.... 

The SHBC kindly donated a taped recording of the above hearing to a medico-charitable trust called   " Big Yawn Productions ". Set up by Dr. John in 2008, this organisation has developed its client base around those few unfortunate blog reading bridge players , who have sleeping disorders and/or sleep related problems. This prized recording will be transferred onto disc,  and made freely available to help all those yawning clients, in desperate need of sleep,  to actually fall asleep.  

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