Tuesday, 30 July 2013

Monday, 29 July 2013

WHAT IS IT ABOUT BRIDGE PLAYERS ?........ ( Short article by Carp )

The most disturbing , and possibly the most depressing ,  aspect about the run-of-the mill, bog standard bridge players is their amazing ability to miss the obvious. Indeed this phenomenon has been observed by those blessed with expertise  , who have witnessed the less able trying to play the game with utter disbelief.
Ed Morrow : The obscure lines of play they might see eventually. The completely obvious, it seems, will take much longer. 
Etienne Klein : The bids which should be the most familiar to them are often the most mysterious 
Michael Lewis : Sadly , for the ordinary player , everything , in retrospect , is obvious
Arthur Koestler : The more original and successful line of play , the more obvious it seems afterwards
George Bernard Shaw : Will someone please explain to me why no bridge problem is so difficult to answer as that to which the answer is obvious.
Kahlil Gibran : The obvious line of play is one which is never seen until an expert opponent expresses it simply
George Orwell : The first duty of any bridge player is the restatement and implementation of the obvious
Arthur Conan Doyle : It's an ironic fact that for many there is nothing more obscure or deceptive than the obvious 


Sunday, 28 July 2013


  • Which Two Members Have Been Suspended This Time ?..............Ewan Mee
  • Nothing Goes Unnoticed By Me In This Club ?.............................I. C. Allott
  • I Begging You To Please Behave Yourself At The Table.................Noah Will Knott
  • How The Hell Could They Ever Consider Suspending Me ?..............I. Askew 
  • I Just Can't Get Enough Of This Wonderful Game.........................Craven Moorbridge 
  • Mastering Bridge Requires Ability, Stamina And Effort...................Ernest N. Dever
  • You Didn't Take That Defeat Very Well Partner !..............................Alice I. Smild
  • Wow , Have We Climbed Rapidly Up The Field...............................Honor Cumback
  • She Only Partners Men For One Good Reason................................Fonda Dix
  • You Must Rectify The Count Before Attempting The Squeeze...........Nadia Gettit

Friday, 26 July 2013


This particularly nasty syndrome involves a player portraying his partner , someone who is supposedly under his guidance and care ,  as the person with a serious disability or a crippling neurological condition. In either case , the perfectly healthy partner is duly classified by his mentor as some poor unfortunate sod , who is so severely handicapped that he has no real ability whatsoever to bid and play the cards properly....... when in fact the opposite is true.
Therefore, MSBP causes these self-proclaimed caring mentors to deny their illness by simply transferring  " their sickness " onto others , and such is the nature of their disorder they cannot stop themselves telling lies about their partners' appalling symptoms. Typically , their partners will be relative beginners to the game, and as a consequence of their naivity loud , over zealous comments will be made at the table about their sickness induced errors. These alleged symptoms are flagged up to the world at large ,  when their concerned and helpful mentors make statements like
- you must be off your head
- what on earth possessed you to do that ? 
- are you a moron or what ?
- you need serious help
- you're not all there, are you ?
- what medication are you on ?
Indeed many psycho-analysts, like myself , regard the behaviour of MSBP sufferers as abuse. Moreover , those with acute symptoms develop an amazing knack to create or exaggerate their partners' failings in so many different ways. They often tell huge porkies about what really happened during the auction , or  the play of the hand.  They also like to alter the details relating to the location of crucial cards, falsify the score sheets or cards , and to induce uncharacteristic behaviour from their poor beleaguered prey. This can be easily done by incorrect or over-elaborate analysis, deviations from the agreed bidding system , unfair criticism and constant needling. By getting their partners to explode, or blow a gasket,  it then becomes an easy task to convince others in the room that it is their partners who have the serious psychological problems. By cleverly acting out the role of caring mentors , it is inevitable that their partners pick up the reputation of being demented, deranged , confrontational , deluded , and mentally ill. Onlookers can only believe in the evidence they see and hear , being completely unaware of the preceding provocation which  cleverly triggered these emotional outbursts. 
Studies have shown that players with MSBP tend to share the following common characteristics :
1. Married  but with no children
2. A wife who is nothing more than a mother substitute
3. Possessing a dangerously limited knowledge on medical/ neurological matters
4. Desperate to rub shoulders with medical experts and health professionals
5. Always craving for attention and adulation for being a caring, warmhearted , selfless,  patient, and devoted mentor
6. A control freak
7. Supremely gifted at holding court
By getting others to believe that their partners are the victims of a serious mental disorder, then any effort on their part to help them to get through a duplicate session without incident will clearly be viewed by everyone as noble, worthy and utterly commendable sacrifices. It means nothing to them if partners do become psychologically damaged by their experiences of being labelled as " handicapped " :  because now their factitious disorders have become a reality. 
Such is the potential level of abuse ,  MSBP sufferers must be seen as dangerous criminals , whereupon every effort must be made to identify them.....  and to drive them out , before turning one's attention to those who desperately need their shattered egos to be repaired and rebuilt.  

Thursday, 25 July 2013


Dear Rebecca ,

Over the last fifty years or so I've seen bridge standards slowly but surely going down the pan.
And I can tell you that I am appalled by the sheer scale of their demise .
Male members turn up to the club in clothes that have never seen an ironing board in a month of Sundays. Most of them are completely lacking in dress sense , and in urgent need of some re-education in personal hygiene . Half the field haven't got a bloody clue about the rules of the game , or they just don't give a damn . Then , of course , we all have to endure the constant rudeness , bickering , harassment , and bullying that goes on at the table , not to mention the slow play , coffee-housing , and widespread cheating . 
What on earth has happened to this once treasured and beautiful game , played by ladies and gentlemen who were polite , respectful , refined and intelligent ? Tell me Rebecca what triggered this destructive cancer that is now condemning bridge to an inglorious death ?

Yours  I. Askew 

Dear IA ,
Put it all down to two irrefutable facts. Firstly,  that the only constant thing in life is change. And secondly , as growing populations compete for a bigger share of material wealth on a planet where resources are rapidly drying up, it's inevitable that people succumb to ditching all their moral and ethical values . 
Therefore , now that society has become so amoral , how can you expect the world of bridge to be any different.

Yours putting it all into perspective , Rebecca Rood     


Monday, 22 July 2013


Dear Rebecca , 
Rarely does a league season go by without this obnoxious , jumped-up, pompous , overbearing, self-proclaimed expert in our team lecturing the rest of us on the damage we are doing to the team's chances of winning, by our careless mistakes , naff bidding and anti-percentage play of the cards .
I could give this fellow a damn good lecture too.......namely on the damage done to his personality by reason of his alarming hypocrisy , self-delusion , arrogance , vanity , and all round beastliness .

Yours Don Myeddin

Dear Don , 
Shoot the bastard.

Yours extremely blunt and ruthlessly Rood 


Dear Rebecca ,
Are bridge players cowards or just plain lazy ? The other night a sweet little old lady was physically assaulted by an over-sized brute of an opponent , in a crowded room with dozens of  stunned members looking on in disbelief.
I stood and watched for a good five minutes during which time not one person lifted a finger to help.
Whatever happened to that British bulldog spirit ?

Yours  Ivor Faintheart

Dear Ivor , 
It is never a wise move to muscle in , especially if there's a real danger that the fracas will get out of control . Nevertheless , what someone should have done was to get the TD to step in , defuse the situation , and discipline the aggressor.

Yours Rebecca 

Dear Rebecca , 
Many thanks for your observation but I was the TD.

Yours Ivor Faintheart


Saturday, 20 July 2013


  • Partner , I Haven't Seen You In Ages......................................Howie Ben Dewin
  • If Someone Doesn't Stop Me , I'll Kill That Damn TD...............Jane Mee-Downe
  • That Was The One Card Partner, I Needed You To Have.......Asa Spades
  • First Time My Partner Has Played In The Top Flight................Didi Copewell
  • Don't Expect Me To Put The Tables Away !...........................Ivor Hernia
  • Go And Do Your Dirty Business Elsewhere...........................Kat Litter
  • That Sharp Tongued Woman Needs To Be Burned Alive........Joe Navark
  • Partner, Please Allow Me To Shuffle The Pack.....................Delia Goodhand
  • What , You're Coming Back To The Club On Sunday...........Watson T. Morrow 
  • I Gave My Ex-Partner An Appropriate Parting Gift................Aretha Holly 
  • I'm Gonna Give Those Opponents A Right Old Mouthful...... Hugh Tellum
  • Oh Boy, I Just  Gave Those Opponents What For.................Phil N. Goode
  • Don't Think You Can Rid Of Me That Easy.............................Al B. Back
  • I'm Gonna Throttle My Hapless Partner By The Throat..........Tillie Dyes
  • I Always Like To Call A Spade A Spade................................Frank Lee Speaking

Wednesday, 17 July 2013

UP THE RESOLVE OF HIS                 TEAM........... 

For want of a card , a trick was lost
For want of a trick , a slam was lost
For want of a slam , a match was lost
For want of a match , a trophy was lost
For want of a trophy , a head was lost !
And all for the want of a card

( This cleverly adapted nursery rhyme was a stern warning as to what would happen to any player who cocked up big time by virtue of a careless discard , or the unnecessary play of a potentially winning card.  The purpose of these chastising words was to explain , in simple terms , the possible consequences that could easily follow a thoughtless act . )  

Up before the committee was Humpty Dumpty following a complaint from Alice , who was extremely annoyed, and damaged, by one highly misleading and unethical bid. A short extract taken from the hearing's transcript can be seen below.

Chairman ( C ) : Humpty........your young opponent  Alice didn't know what your 2S overcall bid meant....... especially when she had a 6 card spade suit opposite a partner who opened 1NT
Humpty Dumpty ( HD ) : Excuse my contemptuous smile.....but the truth is......of course she didn't......till I told her later on after the hand had been played. I decided to make a bid which would give her something to really think about
C : But in this case your " 2S bid " didn't mean " Partner,  I have a genuine 1NT overall with a five card spade suit 
HD : When I make a bid.......it means just what I want it to mean.......neither more nor less !
C : The question is surely whether you can make a bid mean different things ?
HD : Surely the more relevant question is whether I can invent a bid of my own choosing....... especially when I am a master in the art of deception......that's all ?
C : So what did you mean by that 2 spade bid ?
HD : In this particular instance....that I had exactly two spades......how more accurate can any bid be ?
C : But none of the other three players at the table understood that to be your meaning of this deliberate psych
HD : Well, that is their misfortune....not mine.....and the fact is because that marvellous bid worked out a treat it was glory for me
C : Well excuse me, but I don't know what you mean by " glory "
HD : Ah yes....of course you don't..... because , as I have said before , when I use a word it means just what I want it to mean.......neither more nor less
C : So please me what do you mean by that word ?
HD : A thumping, well deserved , that-really-stuck-it-up-my-opponents' arses, galactic top 
C : You sir are a man of no moral substance.....an empty shell in fact....someone who should be placed on top a very high wall...... and then pushed off !

( Footnote : So yes, it was Humpty Dumpty who first introduced the psych into the world of bridge. However , his success with this devastating bid was short lived when other victim didn't take too kindly " to being had ". She proceeded to give him a severe verbal lashing ,  which he was unable to handle or forget. In fact it rattled poor Humpty's so much that he broke down into pieces there and then. Psychologically damaged , he was taken to the Kings Psychiatric Unit in Bedlam, but all attempts by the men in white to repair his shattered ego were in vain. Although he never played bridge again  his contribution to the world of bridge , and the art of deceptive bidding , lived on forever. ) 


Tuesday, 16 July 2013


Years ago in a suburban bridge club nestling in the outskirts of Perth, a half-cut Australian picked up the hand of his life A(K) QJ10xxxxx ....A....A.....A : a  vulnerable grand slam in no trumps, which could be bid straightaway and claimed at trick one.
However, because of this wildly distributional deal his LHO, as first bidder, stuck in an opening 5H bid in front of him on Kx....KQJ109xxxxxx....void....void. Unperturbed and brimming with confidence, he bid a smug 7NT with the air of a man about to perform a miracle live on stage to a captivated audience. But no the bidding did not end there. His LHO doubled , which left the declarer smirking with unbridled joy as he plonked the redouble card down onto the table. Already he was counting up in his head the magnificent score he was going to bring back to his team captain.  
Inevitably at trick one the King of hearts was led out ,  taken by declarer's Ace. Determined to make his opponent suffer he then decided to play out the hand.  Next card up was the Ace of spades to which everyone followed. But on the King of spades his LHO showed out , discarding a heart. At trick 4 the queen of spades was played , but this was taken by his LHO opponent with the king !

" Hey you big dill, you shouldn't have that card ......I just played it on previous trick "
" Strewth mate....you took that trick with the king of clubs "
" Bladdy hell....talk about coming a guster......I must have mis-sorted my hand "
" Too right mate.....you're as useful as tits on a bull.....so I'm claiming these next nine tricks for 10 down doubled, redoubled , vulnerable...... and that I believe is minus 5800 "


IN JUNE 1989

Committee member ( CM ): I feel this hearing might well turn out to be a very long and hard one
Chairman (C )  : Well , will someone tell me what's it all about ?
CM : It's Bigot-Johnson.......yet again...........getting himself into a whole load of trouble.....and upsetting others in the process
C : How come ?
CM : Last Wednesday night .....during the play of a hand.....he stood up.....without any word or warning ......pulled down his trousers......and flashed his pecker at a young lady opponent , who as it happened was a rather shy, oversensitive sort with a real deep fear and loathing for nasty, horrible, obnoxious , little members
B-J : I strongly object to the use of the word " little "
C : Objection over-ruled.....and by God you're right.....it might well be a long and hard one 
B-J : I agree......and what's more...... I'm willing to prove it right here and now

Saturday, 13 July 2013


  • Losing At The Game I Really Love Just Breaks Me Up..............Aiken Haart
  • I Was That Close To Being In Bridge Heaven.............................Pearl E. Gates
  • Promise Me Partner You Wont Psych Again...............................Noah Wont
  • If His Partner Psychs He Never Raises Him In That Suit............Izzy Fielding
  • I'm Up For Another Rubber Partner , Are You ?...........................Dick Stillard
  • Those Cheats Always Listen In To Loose Table Talk.................Yves Droppin
  • Why Is It I've Never Won At Bridge ?......................................Bjorn Toulouse
  • Bigot-Johnson's Bridge Books Have Sold Millions.....................Bess Sellars
  • Why Not Bid Boldly And Take A Few Risks..............................Bea A. Mann
  • Director Director I Wish To Make A Complaint !.........................Candice Knott-Waite
  • Partner, I've Forgot To Bring My Wallet......................................Lynn Mia Tenner
  • She Takes Real Liberties With Her Partner...............................Ruben Hiscock
  • Did You Hear What I Just Told You Partner..............................Lowden Klier

Friday, 12 July 2013

( Is based on the original version of Bah Bah Black Sheep , written and composed by Sir Francis Dashwood , the infamous owner and chairman of The Hell Fire Bridge Club ) 

Bah bah wet sheep
Have you anything to say
No sir no sir
You just lead the way
Vote with your master
Learn to play the game
Then if things go belly up
There's only me to blame

Bah bah wet sheep
It pays to toe the line
Never take an opposing view
And things will work out fine
Back your master to the hilt
Don't even make a bleat
The only way to disapprove 
Is by voting with your feet

(  Footnote :  Every Bigot-Johnson proposal put to the Slaughter House BC committee was voted in by an unanimous majority , demonstrating how passionately committee members believed in collective responsibility and self-preservation  )   

Wednesday, 10 July 2013


-  you start to wax lyrical about about any score over 50%
-  all kinds of " accidents " occur at your table
-  " grumpy " has become your permanent default mode
-  you get the same sense of excitement from scoring tops that you used to get when
   scoring with women
-  the only reading that turns you on is when a good result appears on the bridgemate display 
-  the time taken to count your hand works out at five seconds per point
-  you spend 3 minutes on a plan to trap a missing queen only to discover it is in your own hand
-  you've been told that paying subscriptions in advance would be an act of folly on your part
-  bidding has now become the only thing in your life where it's safe to be bold and daring 
-  your knowledge of all the bridge clubs you visit relates solely to the location of the toilets
-  you only put up with the new technology as it's the very thing that is keeping you alive 
-  you are pretty sure bridge has provided " trophy winning celebrations " but can't quite 
   remember whether you were ever involved in them or not 
-  you get worried that the excitement at pulling off a difficult contract might just finish you off
-  seeing out 24 boards without falling asleep becomes the highlight of your life
-  you can't even put a name to your partner's face

We our renowned for our visionary thinking : We spend most of time at committee meetings thinking up imaginative and far-fetched excuses
We enjoy excellent relationships with one another : We're a right bunch of sycophantic creeps
Our chairman is a born leader : A little Hitler
We conduct our affairs with openness and transparency : We operate at all times behind closed doors , ensuring that the only information released to members is either harmless or of no real significance  
We strive to be tactful and diplomatic at all times : We know how to keep our gobs shut 
We believe our duty of confidentiality is sacrosanct : We have shoot-to-kill policy on whistle blowers
We are always willing to take calculated risks : It's only when the members lose out that we don't give a damn  
We seem to be popular with the ordinary members : It's amazing how ignorance equates to bliss  
New committee members have never chosen to rock the boat : They know their place
We have certainly helped turn this place around : This once successful club is now going to the dogs
We are above reproach : We excel at being able to stay one step ahead of our critics
We have the respect of all the members : We've scared the living daylights out of them
We are all blessed with great communication skills : The way we can fob off awkward questions is truly remarkable 
We've made sure that all our members behave impeccably  : We've successfully imposed martial law
We operate in a highly effective way : We use cunning, deception and devious practices to get things done and dusted  ( long before anyone realises what the hell has been going on )
Our honesty is beyond reproach : We cover our tracks exceptionally well

Tuesday, 9 July 2013

ANY FOOL CAN BE A BRIDGE PLAYER..........................( A Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber poem commissioned by Bigot-Johnson to appear on a recruitment drive advertisement ,  seeking to attract new members to the Slaughter House Bridge Club )

Any fool can be a bridge player
In fact it helps no end
To be a little crazy
Or half-way round the bend
It's not essential to be crackers
But no need to be perturbed
As long as you're not normal
But definitely disturbed
So by fitting this description
Please come and play your part
You'll soon get the hang of things
Once you get a start
Don't let the bidding destroy you
Or let opponents look for rows
Ignore the self-appointed Gods
And those nasty bitchy cows 
Ignore your clueless partners
Because you'll be just as bad
Learn to live with awkward players
Don't let them drive you mad

So if you want a better life
Rich with masochistic glee
Sign the dotted line right now
The cost is such a modest fee
We're not after your money 
Just fools who are easy meat
Ones who offer no threat at all 
And take little effort to beat
Don't let doubts ever put you off
Join now for it's never too late
You could be the sap we're looking for
The perfect candidate
Abandon all hope of winning
The game takes years to learn
But any fool can pick up hands
And play the cards in turn



" Listen your Honour....... I am fully aware that ramming a bridgemate down an opponent's throat was a bit of an over-reaction on my part .....but as the literary genius Oscar Wilde once said .......I have never come across anyone in whom the moral judgement was dominant, who was not heartless, cruel, vindictive, log stupid and entirely lacking in the smallest sense of humanity.....and on those deeply profound words I choose to rest my defence ......  " 

Sunday, 7 July 2013



In a fairly recent Australian case the judge tried to answer some key questions concerning this very controversial topic. The plaintiff in question had been effectively expelled from his club by the committee ,  because having been called to a meeting he was then asked to give up a privilege , which he steadfastly refused to do.  This unpalatable rejection forced the committee to seek the only solution to the problem : the termination of his membership .
The first key question was quickly answered when the State Supreme Court court held that any member had a right to claim the purported expulsion as invalid, if (a) breaches of natural justice, (b) contraventions of the club's rules of association, or (c) non bona fide practices could be established.
One of the arguments used by the committee was that his steadfast refusal was  "unbecoming " of a member , but the court took the view that any definition of such a word had to be in accordance with the ordinary and natural meaning of the word ( in context ). Choosing to ignore a request , which was clearly unreasonable in the given circumstances , hardly amounted to conduct which was offensive , salacious, ungodly, indecent or improper. 
The committee also claimed that his refusal to comply with their wishes amounted to conduct  which was " prejudicial to the interests of the club ".  Again any interpretation of this phrase depend very much on the facts of the case. The word " club " implies the membership as a whole ( not just the committee ) and " prejudicial " implies the membership would be put at a real disadvantage as a result of the plaintiff's conduct. To suggest his refusal would have a negative bearing or outcome on the ordinary members, without any real evidence,  leaves it wide open for a committee to do it as pleases, even on a jaundiced or whimsical belief. 
Next up was the question as to whether a member can bring an action against an unincorporated association, if his membership agreement was formed on a consensual basis, and not a contractual one. The judge took the view that a member always has a right to bring an action if he/she has acquired a proprietary interest in the club as a result of whatever type of agreement was entered to.  
This of course now led to the question as to whether or not the plaintiff had a proprietary right, especially if there was no obvious claim to an ownership share in the club's physical assets. Here the judge suggested that the sensible test for showing a proprietary interest is to consider whether or not the person derives a tangible benefit from his membership in that club .Tangible benefits can include the right to use and enjoy the social facilities, playing areas and/or recreational equipment .
Not surprisingly, his Honour spent very little time in establishing the plaintiff's right to sue. Moreover, the plaintiff was well within his rights to stand his ground over the committee's request, and that their inappropriate response clearly amounted to an abuse of good faith , regarding the exercise of their power. Therefore a permanent injunction was granted ,  requiring  the club to re-enter his name on the register of members.

( Footnote : This article is solely dedicated to all my anonymous followers who reside in the Derbyshire area ) 

Saturday, 6 July 2013



......                                                                                         " Ramming a bridgemate down the throat of an opponent , who I have loathed for many years, was not a brutal, ugly act done on an impulse...something which I should be feeling bad about....not at all.....because to choose one's victim, to prepare one's plan minutely, to slake an implacable vengeance, and then to go to bed..............there is nothing sweeter in the world........ or so says Joseph Stalin ....."   

Thursday, 4 July 2013

No. 1554


  • God, What To Do Now I'm Marooned In Dummy ?............Ena Wright-Pickle
  • In Bridge You Must Punish Those Who Punish You...........Ann  I. Foranni
  • My Partner Has The Most Appalling Table Manners.........Sacha Belcher
  • What To Do With A Partner That Fidgets A Lot ?..............Naylor Downe
  • That Story Is Nothing More Than Pure Fiction....................Loda Bollox
  • Despite Her Age My Lady Partner Still Looks Great...........Ed Turner 
  • What Most Men Do When Not Playing Bridge...................Moss D. Bating
  • Well, At Least We Won 6 Out Of 12 Matches !..................Arthur Duzzen
  • That Defeat Left A Nasty Taste In My Mouth.......................Anna Seed
  • To Win At Bridge Requires Blood And Sweat.....................Ann Tears
  • She Took One Risk Too Many And Paid The Price............Kay Munstuck 
  • After His Surprise Win He Got Himself Totally Pissed........Asa Newt  

Wednesday, 3 July 2013



"  As you well know.........at the Slaughter House Bridge Club we are strongly committed to 
   upholding our policy of openness and transparency with regards to all committee matters....."  



                                                  Important Notice


   This coming weekend a group of disgruntled club members are throwing a party
    to celebrate Bigot-Johnson’s 10th  year as a complete tosser ! 

    This no-expenses spared bash will take place at the club in the basement cellars ,
    marking his first ten years as the odious , and hideously obnoxious owner-manager
    of this hell-fire hell hole. Indeed ,  it was solely down to this twisted, warped and
    perverted individual,  that thousands of clubs across the world foolishly adopted his
    sado-masochistic culture change to make bridge far more cutthroat and exciting. 

    Not surprisingly, many of the club’s ex-members are likely to gate crash the party.  
    These include dozens who left in disgust when he quickly introduced the first raft    
    of constitutional changes , plus all those persecuted players currently on long-term 
    suspensions and life bans.

     However , like the absolute tosser Bigot is, he is utterly unaware of what is
     happening behind his back. According to one very reliable source , he intends
     to spend the day sitting moodily in his bedroom listening to Leonard Cohen
     and Bob Dylan dirges , whilst sticking pins into numerous voodoo doll replicas
     of all the existing club members he considers as “ undesirable ”,  but  " totally
     expendable ”.


Monday, 1 July 2013



                     " Good grief man......what on earth makes you think we've prejudged the
                                      outcome of this hearing ?...."

No. 1550


                  " Listen you.....this is going to be a fair and impartial hearing.....and in no way
                         do we want you to view this disciplinary panel as being prejudiced and
                         confrontational.......we have a job to do.....and by God we are going to do it
                         with ruthless efficiency and thoroughness ! "