PUN REVIEWS THE BRIDGE BOOK OF THE YEAR.......
At long last the most eagerly awaited bridge book of all time is due to go on sale next month. " That Woman Got Me So Wound Up " by Neil Lee Shotter " is a collection of amusing and shocking tales of high tension table incidents. Stories about extremely childish tantrums , petty altercations , petulant outbursts, unbelievable histrionics , physical confrontations .....and even murder .
Most of the incidents portray a sporting arena where players have completely abandoned any desire to show warmth, tolerance, respect , and forgiveness towards opponents and/or partners......by choosing instead to go ape shit !
Not surprisingly the last and most amazing chapter has been devoted to Myrtle Bennett's killing of her inept husband , who unfortunately bungled a straightforward contract in 4S. However, although the book is packed full of much smaller incidents , readers cannot help but be amused and entertained by stories , where players have allowed their frustration, anger and utter disbelief to get the better of them. The vitriolic comments , offensive and obscene gestures , and outrageous displays of childish petulance only serve to demonstrate how oversensitive and prickly some players can be , as well as how cruel and imaginative they can sometimes become , when looking to seek vengeance on those who have upset them.
So here are a few snippets from the book , all based on first hand witness reports, of how players have reacted when their darker , more malevolent emotions , all products of the human condition , have been brought to the boil......
- during a tempestuous evening at Bawtry BC one irate player after recording 4 straight bottoms rose from the table to symbolically rip up the scorecard into a 1000 pieces
- one night at the Slaughter House BC one poor chap , the unfortunate victim of unrelenting verbal harassment picked up a bridgemate , only to shove it straight into the mouth of his overbearing and nagging partner
- then there was an incident at Neasden BC when a player was man-handled by his rather over zealous partner , only for an enquiring opponent to ask the victim : " That's is serious disciplinary matter....tell me what steps are you going to take ? " Immediately , he dusted himself down and headed straight for the door screaming : " Fucking big steps." And on that unpleasant note, he strode off into the night never to be seen again
- however , down at Stourbridge BC one player had been the victim of pre-meditated provocation by an opponent renown for making off-centre bids and psychs. After being hit with four successive psychs , he turned to his nemesis and said : " I've really had enough of your unethical bidding......these bloody psychs get right under my nose......in fact this scorecard of yours is nothing more than pure fiction "., whereupon he picked the document up, rolled it into the shape of a cigarette , lit it and placed burning object right under the nose of his adversary , adding the words : " now it's my turn to get up yours "
- finally, back at the Slaughter House BC Bigot-Johnson got so irate with one opponent he stormed off in the direction of the car park , only to return with an executioner's axe in his hands. Repeating over and over again " off ...his head.....off...his head....off...his head ", Bigot then met fierce resistance from concerned members , who attempted to overpower him in a brave but foolhardy attempt to retrieve the axe. The horrific scuffle lasted for several minutes , by which time ambulances had been called to wheel away the injured, who needed urgent treatment for cuts and half-severed limbs
One helluva book. One helluva read.