Monday, 29 February 2016


  • The Most Ingenious Signalling Method Ever Devised
  • Getting Away With It For So Long
  • Die-hard Refusal To Own Up
  • Excessive Number Of Trophies Won On The Back Of Unauthorised Information
  • Brazen Belligerence In The Face Of Irrefutable Accusations
  • Pin Point  Precision Tuning In With Antennae Like Ears
  • No One Ever Knowing The Full extent Of Our Nefarious Practices
  • Eagle-eyed Long Distance Observations
  • Repeated Refusals To Hand Back Ill-gotten Trophies
  • Walkabout Surveillance And Information Gathering
  • Self Delusion Leading To Perpetual Denial
  • Outrageous Contempt For Ethical Rules And Fair Play
  • Complete Lack Of Remorse And Repentence
  • Dirtiest Cheating Dog Of Them All
  • Do I Give A Damn About Any Of This

Sunday, 28 February 2016


Even some of the world's best players have used and adopted the infamous cheating methods outlined in careful detail in all of Bigot-Johnson's bridge book publications , categorised and listed as  " under-the-counter non-registered sales ". Indeed this dreadful man has accumulated a vast , tax free fortune from the contents of thousands of brown paper envelopes which came his way. The Sue Denim book titles accredited to this vile and despicable rogue are listed as follows :

  • Cheats Never Prosper Except When It Comes To Bridge
  • I've Been Cheating For Years And Still Club Members Are None The Wiser
  • The Last Person Who Accused Me Of Cheating Got Sued For Millions
  • In A Game Where Victory Is Achieved By Small Margins , Cheating Your Way To Three Big Tops Guarantees Success 
  • Coughing And Throat Clearing Is A Sickening Good Way To Success
  • Cheating Techniques Which Are Impossible To Prove
  • How To Overcome The Close Scrutiny Of Video Cameras
  • Communicating With Partner Above And Below The Table
  • Don't Let Screens Put You Off : Use them To Your Advantage
  • Using Your Eyes And Ears To Maximum Effect
  • Lip Reading Loose Table Talk Can Reap Great Rewards
  • Don't Let Conscience Undermine Your Quest For Success
  • If The World's Best Are Using My Methods Then Why Don't You
  • Finger Signalling Is A Such A Fun Way To Cheat
  • It's Not What You Bid But The Manner And Way In Which You Do it
  • Pencil Pointing Your Exact Point Count To Partner
  • Timing Is Everything When It Comes To Stand-up Comedy And Bridge
  • Avoiding Detection : Alternate Your Cheating Methods Regularly
  • Easy To Master Cheating Techniques For Perfect Bidding
  • Easy To Master Cheating Techniques For Finding That Devastating Opening Lead
  • What's More Satisfying Than Out-Cheating The Cheats 


Thursday, 25 February 2016


  • Kangaroo court :  a custom and practice adopted and revered by bridge club disciplinary committees
  • Justice : an elusive outcome when disciplinary hearings take place
  • Internal appeal : a second stab at denying an accused member any semblance of justice
  • Mediation : an extremely sensible option in resolving a dispute but one which is viewed by committees with suspicion and mistrust
  • Hands down : an offer to end a dispute which proves costly to both parties.  Meanwhile the lawyers get extremely well paid for stringing along their clients with false hopes of success
  • Victory : a hollow celebration of success when in reality it is Pyrrhic in nature , given the colossal pain , financial loss and suffering incurred in a long and protracted legal battle
  • Obscene : a term used to describe the ridiculously large sums of money paid out to lawyers , who then advise their respective clients to make and accept a hands down offer
  • Opportunity cost : the sensible , worthwhile and positive things which could have achieved if the money shelled out on legal fees had been spent more wisely, such is the folly of pursuing litigation
  • Look before you leap : a well known proverb which parties to a legal dispute have clearly (a) never heard of , or (b) chosen to ignore
  • Flying bridgemate : an electronic scoring device which like a flying albatross is an omen of forthcoming misery and doom
  • Foresight : it's what we wished we had in hindsight

Wednesday, 24 February 2016


  •  If You're Happy To End This Dispute , Then So Are We....................Les Shay Connett
  • Members Speak Out On This Decision To Cut Losses And Run......Otis Horfall
  • How One Member Described This Unexpected Outcome..................Des Asterman
  • How Another Member Described This Sad And Sorry Affair.............Dee Backell
  • Thank God This Long And Protracted Dispute Is At An End..............Gladys Hallover
  •  This Dispute Has Caused Me To Frequently Wet My Pants..............I. P. Hallott
  •  We Tried Before To Reach A Pay-Our-Own-Costs Settlement............Noah Vale
  •  So What Was This Offer That The Committee Accepted...................Hanz Downe
  •  Let's Call An EGM And Declare Ourselves As Winners.....................Victor E. Raleigh
  •  Going To Trial Is Like Sailing Blind Into Dangerous Waters..............Di R. Straits
  •  No Way Were We Ever Going To Admit Our Mistakes......................Honor B. Blode
  •  Let's Look Upon This Dispute With A Smile And A Laugh................May Kay Jokovit
  •  Pursuing Litigation Is Nothing More Than A High Stakes Lottery .......Bjorn Toulouse
  • As Committee Members There Is Only One Decent Thing To Do........Stan Downe

Tuesday, 23 February 2016


Lady : it true that you gone all out to bed each and every one of your female bridge partners ?
B-J : Indeed Madam that is the case......
Lady : And how successful were you in this quest ?
B-J : Sadly in this game of sport I scored very badly......although I must say that my latest partner was far more obliging than the others
Lady : Well I please tell me was she interested in having sex with you ?
B-J : Hmm....let me think long and hard about this question...................yes, I would have to say she liked to have it....... infrequently 
Lady : Oh.....I'm puzzled......was that one word or two ? 

Monday, 22 February 2016


( Inside a packed courtroom a perplexed judge questions the main defendant )

Judge : I take it the plaintiff is suing the bridge club committee for reinstatement and/or damages ?
Chairman : Well , that is absolutely right. The fool can't sue the club but it is not a legal entity ....being an unincorporated  association of bridge lovers and devotees. The plaintiff therefore can only sue the committee members , who he alleges wrongfully expelled him from the club
Judge : Yes....that makes good sense , but can I assume  that if he is successful , then you and the other committee members will all be personally liable to pay all his costs and any damages awarded ?
Chairman : Good Lord no.......that would be terrible. The club would have to find the money to pay all the legal costs 
Judge : But you said the club isn't a legal entity ....and that only the members are in a position to sue or be sued. This means it is the members' responsibility to meet any financial obligations imposed upon the unincorporated association they belong to..... which of course goes under the name of a bridge club
Chairman : That's will be the ordinary members who are obliged pick up the legal bill.......not the chosen few who sit on the committee
Judge :That's a neatest arrangement I've ever come across. You foul up but it's others who will have to pay.
Chairman :'ve got it all wrong. Any money which has to be paid will be taken from club funds. The members themselves don't actually have to dig into their wallets and purses. They just sit back and watch the club's assets wither away to nothing
Judge : Like seeing their investments losing money in a stock market crash ?
Chairman : Correct.....and yes....real cash for sure will disappear from from the club's accounts but for each and every member their individual loss is purely a paper one
Judge : I'm amazed....
Chairman : But at least you're getting the picture now. The plaintiff....the silly bugger ....has to suffer real financial pain to meet his excruciatingly high legal costs.........while our personal liability is nil..... all because of the absurdity of belonging to a club which in law doesn't exist , which then exposes all the members as guarantors of any debts which we the committee may have negligently incurred
Judge : Yes.....a very neat and concise summing up of the law

Saturday, 20 February 2016


(  Well, according to Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber he is that an unforgiving , over-demanding , brutally cruel player ,   who unfortunately turns out to be your partner in a nightmare reality of an extremely tense , heated , emotionally charged,  competitive bridge arena. Inspired by Bob Dylan's classic song , the lyrics have been altered somewhat in order to profile and highlight the essential characteristics of " the man in the long black coat ". 


                                        "Man In The Long Black Coat"

Gossip mongers chirpin', the backstabbing’s high
There's a some poor bridge player hangin' dry
Window wide open whispering trees
Bent slightly forward from a soft gentle breeze
Not a word of warmth not even a note
Such was the coldness of the man in the long black coat.

Somebody seen him hangin' around
At other bridge clubs on the outskirts of town
              He looks so evil eyed , not one for foolin'       
        Should anyone challenge him over a ruling
Somebody said he often loved to gloat
   Such was the smugness of the man in the long black coat.

Preaching was his talking, the endless sermons he gave
                            Not to mention his passion to rant and to rave                                      All must heed his advice when he is their guide 
             They must never whinge or look dissatisfied            
It ain't easy to swallow , it sticks in the throat
Such was the blasphemous man in the long black coat.

           " There are no mistakes in my game " he would always say 
" It's an irrefutable truth ....people must see it that way
While other players simply fade and die , I just float
For the symbol of my greatness is my long black coat "   

There's smoke on the horizon it's been there since June
Club members howling beneath the high crescent moon
Feel the pulse and vibration and the rumbling force
 As one after one tried to beat the dead horse
For when his insults were challenged they were always a joke
Such was the cunning of the man in the long black coat.

Thursday, 18 February 2016


( Having just been suspended from the Slaughter House BC in what could only be described as a disciplinary hearing akin to a kangaroo court, a very disgruntled Pantopod decided to sue Bigot-Johnson and others for damages. With both parties called up before at judge at a pre-trial review , Bigot was in no mood to take any prisoners , as the following question and answer exchange revealed )

Judge :  What pray is your defence ?
B-J : We haven’t bothered to provide one
Judge : And why is that ?
B-J : There’s no need for one ? The man was a dog
Judge : But the plaintiff’s lawyers need to know what defence you intending to rely on with respect to the allegations of an improperly conducted disciplinary hearing
B-J : We did nothing wrong
Judge : But what if that isn’t the case ?
B-J : Well ….your honour….if we have cocked up then it’s no big deal…..the man was a dog
Judge : Why isn’t it a big deal ?
B-J : Because disputes like this…..involving dogs… small non-profit making , tiny little social clubs , such as ours , fall well outside the jurisdiction of the courts
Judge : Is that so ?
B-J : Yes….
Judge : And you’re suitably well informed to make such an assertion ?
B-J : Indeed I am
Judge : So please enlighten me as to your legal qualifications ?
B-J : I’ll have you know…. I’ve got 4 o’levels to my name….. one of which is LAW
Judge : And on the back of that knowledge, you assume I have no say on this matter
B-J :  Apparently not….
Judge : Well, I’m afraid I do…and it appears to me that this day has been a complete waste of everybody’s time
B-J : Too damn right it has…..a complete and utter waste of time……I could be at home pickling my onions
Judge : A state of affairs of which you are to blame
B-J : What !
Judge : And according to the rules relating to  “ wasted costs ” , you are required to pay for the plaintiff’s legal costs for this day , your own and the court’s …..payment in full within 14 days
B-J : I flabbergasted…. I can’t even draw my breath
Judge : If only that was true….

Wednesday, 17 February 2016


Diablo ( D ) : Partner, why don't you stick to the system card  ?
Partner ( P ) : I generally do...
D : Then..why on God's earth didn't you open with that hand ?
P : I didn't like the look of it
D : So tell me what does an opening 1NT say on our card ?
P : 12 -14 points
D : And how many HCPs did you have ?
P : 12
P : I really didn't like the look of it
D : Listen muppet head am I going to have any trust in your bidding if you don't stick to what's on our card ? Should you enter the auction later ,  I'm never going to place you with that number of points.
P : We were vulnerable , and the hand was a filthy 12 count with very little in the way of trick potential. I had QJ.....Qxxx....Kxx... KJx   which in my mind offered sod all. Bolster the hand with 10s , 9s and 8s , with honours in the longer suits and I'm bidding. Point counts don't allow for judgement based on years of experience
D : Please stick to the system card .....
P : But you don't 
D: WHAT !!!
P : Twice tonight you've opened 1NT on 11 points
D:  Partner....that's different .....bidding involves stretching , pushing the boat out and being bold....not being a wimp and taking jaundiced views all the time
P :  Well, in my should practice what you preach... and cut out the hypocrisy 
D : If there's any cutting to be done....then it's going to be your scrawny little neck 

Saturday, 13 February 2016


Seen as the common enemy the self-proclaimed Prince of Darkness was finally banished from the club by a determined Bigot-Johnson and his God-loving, bible bashing , crusading supporters. Diablo of course didn't take too kindly at being the victim of a well planned and orchestrated witch hunt , complaining bitterly about the way his expulsion was clinically executed. Desperate to get reinstated he decided to pursue his grievance all the way to the High Court. The following extract comes from the trial's transcript , just before the case came to a sudden and abrupt end.

Counsel for the plaintiff  (CP) : Bigot ....did you kick poor old Diablo out of your club on a trumped up charge of making a blasphemous remark at the table ?
B-J : Yes we did.....the man is the devil fact much worse. For years he's been doing wicked and malevolent things ......creating hell on whatever table he happens to be sitting at...
CP : Is that so ?
B-J : Yes....and what's more he gets everyone all fired up and burning with rage
CP :  Is that so ?
B-J : Yes.....he even plays devilish tricks on those he dislikes. The man shows no remorse for any pain he inflicts on his victims. He's the embodiment of a fascist , racist , mean-hearted, rampant , horny sexist ogre
CP : Is that so ?
B-J : If we were to save the club from eternal damnation he had to go . The pit of despair we were in was enormous.
CP : So please tell the court Bigot what the precise details of this blasphemous remark , which became the subject of a complaint ?
B-J : He said " Jesus Bloody Christ .....I've just allowed my opponent to lock me in dummy ! "
CP : Is that it ?
B-J : mustn't overlook his unholy body language. He gave this opponent the evil eye
CP : But wasn't that because his opponent had previously commented on my client's " goatie-looking " appearance
B-J : Well who wouldn't given that Diablo always turns up to the club in cloven feet and a tail between his legs
CP : Sorry.....but your club policy forbids discrimination against members who are born with physical disabilities or abnormalities
B-J : Oh I forgot about that...
CP : And this so called evil eye was nothing more than a red eye from constant crying over his partner's inept bidding and play
B-J : Oh I never realised that....
CP : And Christ of course died a bloody and brutal death on the cross
B-J : Too true
CP : So my client's remark was more a statement of fact than a blasphemous remark
B-J : I guess so.....
CP : Therefore the disciplinary charge against him had no substance or merit whatsoever , making his expulsion both wrongful and invalid
B-J : Not so....his banishment was based on all his past sins which according to our dossier go as far back as tempting our membership secretary , Eve Adams , with a juicy apple in order to gain entry into our club 
CP : And how big is this dossier ?
B-J : Exactly 666 pages... each one around 300 words  
CP : How long it take to compile and write up ?
B-J : It took our secretary May Dittup the best part of a year to research Diablo's past and embroider the facts
CP : Is that so ?
B-J : Yes....its contents were so shocking ,  we advised anyone who wanted to read the dossier to do so one paragraph at a time in the presence of a psychiatrist or doctor
CP : A long read indeed....
B-J : So naturally the committee viewed this blasphemous remark at the last straw ....or the one which broke the camel's back
CP : Had he been warned he was on final notice ?
B-J : No.....
CP : Had he been informed as to the likely consequences of this alleged wrongdoing ?
B-J : No.....
CP :  Was he invited to hear the case against him and to present a defence
B-J : No......because there was no point.....our minds had already been made up long before and the dossier completely justified our actions
CP : Well , that kind of hearing smacks of kangaroo court justice... so loved and revered by committee members of small social clubs , who believe that they can ignore the law with impunity
B-J : Needs must when the devil drives
CP : Ah....but this devil is not so black as he is painted
B-J : This committee would stubbornly refuse to accept that view
CP : You see poor old Diablo is simply a devil-may-care character who rides on a fiddlestick. Your case against him is , in Shakespeare's words, " much ado about nothing "
Judge : I agree....and for both parties who have brought this ridiculously frivolous case to court the costs are going to be the devil to pay  

Thursday, 11 February 2016


Tuesday, 9 February 2016


Dear Carp ,
The Stourbridge bridge club is a proud institution , and we the Committee have also introduced a highly successful zero complaints policy. Buggers who puts in irrelevant , petty and insignificant complaints find themselves in deep do-do. We have no time for wimps , whingers and moaners.
Mind you we don't expect our members to have the guts , will power and resolve to man up. Some of them , the poor souls , are too gentle , kind and considerate by nature , and expecting them to change into hard nuts overnight is both unlikely and unrealistic .
Instead , for those members who need , or ask for ,  " protection " , the Committee have spent large sums of money on providing free-of-use items made available to all members potentially under threat. These include :
1. Dark sunglasses so no one can read what the eyes might be revealing
2. Ear plugs to negate the impact of any verbal attack 
3. Facial masks which provide the ultimate dead pan , emotionless look 
4. Pilots' licences which allow the holders to handle and operate flying bridgemates
5. Membership badges belonging to the local karate club
6. Pencil sharpeners to be keep long pencils perfectly sharp and pointed at all times 
7. Little black books to list those for which retribution and vengeance will be carried out
8. Stiletto shoes and footwear with steel-toed caps
9. Walking sticks which double up as long cudgels 
10. Face mascara and paint to help create a mean, Machiavellian look
11. Toothpicks in case members prefer to write up their scorecards in Biro
12. Copies of a book on " The Perfect Murder " to be kept in view at all times 

As in the animal world protection used the weaker species often involves " fooling " the would-be-predators that attack might not be such a good idea. If club members appear able and willing to give as good as they get ,  then the rude obnoxious bullies inevitably back down. This approach has worked brilliantly here at Stourbridge : no incidents , no complaints. We only witness a bridge environment where mutual respect is the norm.


Monday, 8 February 2016


In a teams of four match I was sitting South holding J976 K543..10...KQJ6 , when my LHO opponent opened a spade 
........suppressing his 6 card diamond suit. This in due course
turned out to be a brilliant move on his part. My partner over
called 2H with a cavalier air of bold defiance. My RHO bid 
2NT alerted as a good raise. I responded 3H which was then blasted away by a 4S bid . Two passes to me and so I doubled.
What this is a wise double ? Sadly , on our defence it proved
a disaster. 
Partner led out the Ace of hearts which received a signal from me to switch to clubs . Oh no....then came the Ace of diamonds on which I played my singleton 10. Surely , my partner would continue the suit ?
Oh came a heart taken by my King. End of defence and
minus 790.
Best defence for us would be two red aces , K of H and two diamond ruffs , which would have happened if my RHO had opened 1S. So where did my partner go wrong ?
If after the Ace of hearts he led a club declarer still has a real problem. He needs to force out the Ace of diamonds before drawing all my trumps. This he cannot do if partner holds up his Ace of diamonds until the third round. Then a second club forces declare to ruff in hand and ultimately my jack of spades will make.
Can declare do better ? I don't think so. Playing on diamonds exposes my singleton allowing partner to give me a ruff. Drawing my trumps with the diamond Ace still outstanding would be an act of suicidal madness. His only hope is to get North to part with his diamond Ace on the first round , then hopefully be in a position to finesse my jack of spades for the contract. 
Our pair went 2 off doubled in 4S for minus 500. A horror board indeed. 

Sunday, 7 February 2016


Dear Carp ,
I thoroughly endorse what you about zero tolerance policies, and the need to introduce instead a no-nonsense , " man up " ,  zero complaints policy.
In every other sport I know of competitors are expected to man up and show raw guts , courage and resolve , when opponents choose to behave in an aggressive and provocative way. No one says in football you can't foul or bad mouth the opponents. But there is a price to pay if you do , and that's how it should be. Players must learn to face the fear , and be content that wrongdoers will be punished. Indeed , psychological warfare is part and parcel of any competitive sport , and this often involves " psyching out " an opponent. Who in God's name has ever heard of a boxer being reprimanded for giving his opponent the evil eye or a threatening look ? 
However , having said all that there are many other " zero " policies which bridge clubs should introduce , and enforce with the proverbial iron fist inside a velvet glove. Policies which should all take precedence over zero tolerance :
1. Zero hesitations
2. Zero slow play
3. Zero bullying
4. Zero cheating in all its many and varied forms
5. Zero hypocrisy
6. Zero elitism
7. Zero nepotism
8. Zero favouritism
9. Zero false , incomplete or misleading bid explanations
10. Zero secrecy
11. Zero shenanigans
12. Zero incompetence
13. Zero gerrymandering
14. Zero abuse of power
15. Zero money wasting 
16. Zero conspiracies
17. Zero hidden agendas
18. Zero corruption
19. Zero witch hunts
20. Zero back-stabbing

The  toleration of these behaviours is pure insanity , and how can it be right to crack down on those who react badly to these unacceptable forms of behaviour. They have a right to forcibly respond and verbally attack such wrongdoings , and those who continue to look the other way and turn a blind eye. Moreover , it is my firm belief that by focusing attention on these " zero " policies , members'  anger , frustration and discontent would ebb away .....and with it the rage that brings on rudeness and bad mouthing.

Friday, 5 February 2016


The rigours of bridge are both demanding and unrelenting . So we have two choices. One is to play bridge in clubs totally committed to zero tolerance policies , where members are forced into strait-jackets of conformity. This of course turns the playing area into a benign , sterile environment. The other option is to MAN UP the members , developing their immunity to fight off all the shit that might fly their way.
The latter approach is the one chosen by the committee of the Slaughter House bridge club. Indeed , lessons in manning up are given alongside beginner bridge lessons to help new members in particular to survive in hot bed of bridge arenas.  This reduces the number of complaints to zero ( in accordance with the club's zero complaints policy ) since unacceptable behaviour , rudeness , bullying and other forms of misconduct are all treated with a nonchalant pinch of salt. Members there take everything in their stride having chosen to man up instead of moaning. This culture change has been readily accepted by both men and women of all ages.
But what then does " manning up " involve. Well  Ronnie , the club's top man , has been gracious enough to provide the definitive answer :

1. Always be ready to strike the first blow
2. Get it firmly into your head that attack is the best form of defence
3. Never trust anyone, even your partner
4. Speak and act with real authority
5. Remember that " wimping " is for wimps
6. Adopt an air of invincibility 
7. Look down on idiots , numpties , slow players and cheats with venomous contempt
8. Never let incidents get to you ( because in the context of the universe ) everything is
9. Recognise the fact that events are never predestined : everything that happens is 
    determined by a hotch-potch of random events
10. In the face of adversity show true grit
11. Keep a knuckleduster close to hand
12. Stay fit and take up karate

Wednesday, 3 February 2016


Bigot , Ronnie and Reggie were in the bar of the Slaughter House BC taking about their respective female partners , and the amount of control they each have over them. Ronnie and Reggie were doing all the talking , whilst Bigot remained strangely quiet. Each recounted instances when their respective lady partners were told in no uncertain terms that tears and nagging might well result in them being hospitalised. 
After a while Ronnie turned to Bigot asking " What about you chairman of this club are you any different ? What sort of control do you have over lady partner ? "
" Why just the other night , she came to me on crawling her hands and knees .... "
Ronnie and Reggie were completely taken back by this revelation from someone they perceived as a wimp.
" No kiddin' what happened then ?
" Well.... " Bigot replied , ".....the bitch then said:, ' For Pity's sake....get out from underneath the table and stand up like a man.... while I mercilessly bollock you for binning that cold slam ! ' "    

Monday, 1 February 2016


Partner : Bigot ...our partnership is at an end. I'm quitting for good .
B-J : I don't understand why......for am I not a good player ?
Partner : Have you ever won any trophies or competitions ?
B-J : No....I can't say I have
Partner : Well that's because you are a LOSER. You were always a loser and you will always be loser. You bid and play the cards like a loser. You 'll be a loser until the day you die. And if they ran a world-wide competition for the biggest bridge losers , you would come second !
B-J : But why only second place ?
Partner : Because YOU'RE A LOSER !