CARP GETS ANOTHER REPLY.........

Dear Carp ,
The Stourbridge bridge club is a proud institution , and we the Committee have also introduced a highly successful zero complaints policy. Buggers who puts in irrelevant , petty and insignificant complaints find themselves in deep do-do. We have no time for wimps , whingers and moaners.
Mind you we don't expect our members to have the guts , will power and resolve to man up. Some of them , the poor souls , are too gentle , kind and considerate by nature , and expecting them to change into hard nuts overnight is both unlikely and unrealistic .
Instead , for those members who need , or ask for ,  " protection " , the Committee have spent large sums of money on providing free-of-use items made available to all members potentially under threat. These include :
1. Dark sunglasses so no one can read what the eyes might be revealing
2. Ear plugs to negate the impact of any verbal attack 
3. Facial masks which provide the ultimate dead pan , emotionless look 
4. Pilots' licences which allow the holders to handle and operate flying bridgemates
5. Membership badges belonging to the local karate club
6. Pencil sharpeners to be keep long pencils perfectly sharp and pointed at all times 
7. Little black books to list those for which retribution and vengeance will be carried out
8. Stiletto shoes and footwear with steel-toed caps
9. Walking sticks which double up as long cudgels 
10. Face mascara and paint to help create a mean, Machiavellian look
11. Toothpicks in case members prefer to write up their scorecards in Biro
12. Copies of a book on " The Perfect Murder " to be kept in view at all times 

As in the animal world protection used the weaker species often involves " fooling " the would-be-predators that attack might not be such a good idea. If club members appear able and willing to give as good as they get ,  then the rude obnoxious bullies inevitably back down. This approach has worked brilliantly here at Stourbridge : no incidents , no complaints. We only witness a bridge environment where mutual respect is the norm.