BENIGN BRIDGE CLUB ( USA ) : COMMITTEE IMPOSES NEW RULES IN KEEPING WITH THE STRICT ZERO TOLERANCE REGIME

• The Committee is always right
• The Committee is never wrong
• Even if the Committee is wrong no one is allowed to comment on the fact
• Dissident members are to be classed as the scum of the earth
• Anyone who is regarded as a dissident member who will hounded out of the club
• Disciplinary hearings will always be conducted behind closed doors using all the bias and prejudice needed to get the bastards expelled     
• No one must ever mention the vast sums of money the Committee has wasted on obscene and financially crippling legal fees
• The Committee believes very strongly in giving members both disinformation and misinformation in order to maintain harmony and contentment within the ranks
• Elephants do not occupy Committee rooms despite the fact that huge piles of dung have been used as manure on the garden beds 
• Approved committee members expect to be voted in unopposed at the next AGM
• Any club member who does not vote properly will be taken to the cellars and starved to death
• All members will be obliged to swear on the Holy Bible that grovelling compliance , obedience and  loyalty are their primary duties 
• Every member is required to snitch on any other member who appears to be harbouring negative thoughts , attitudes and concerns about the never-ending shenanigans the Committee constantly get up to 
• For zero tolerance to work the Committee must be given a free reign to do as it pleases in a climate where forgiveness of human error is not an option 
• The days of asking errant members to sit on the naughty chairs are well and truly over , as the wood from these chairs will be used to build a state-of-the-art scaffold 

NEWSFLASH : THE BENIGN BRIDGE CLUB ( USA ) CLAIM THAT THEIR NEW POLICING INITIATIVE HAS BEEN A RESOUNDING SUCCESS 

Under the revamped terms of their sub-zero tolerance policy , uniformed bridge police have been introduced into the club to help the beleaguered directors sort out unruly , foul-mouthed , disrespectful members.
By patrolling the aisles during play , these enforcement officers have proceeded to crack down hard on any member guilty of even whispering an insult , derogatory remark or out-of-order comment at another person in the room. Without any hesitation the bridge police  have frog-marched the culprits away from the playing area only to be given ultimatums : pay an on-the-spot £50 fine , or be unceremoniously chucked out of the club.
If an offender ,  who has already paid one fine, then foolishly repeats the error of his ways later on , the ultimatum now becomes " pay an on-the-spot £100 fine , or be ejected from the club out of a second floor window " .  
Not surprisingly this bold new initiative has been a resounding success. Bridge at the club is currently being played in an atmosphere of total quietness , in which members now behave like pious monks , as though they have been sworn to vows of absolute silence. Moreover , the club has increased its weekly revenue by well over 700% . Indeed , many of the persistent loud-mouthed , nasty-minded reprobates have left the club unable to pay the ever-increasing fines. In one case a particularly gobby member had been ordered to pay £1600 for his sixth offence.  So when he declined to do so ,  the bridge police had no qualms about slinging him off the roof of the building.
As a consequence of this initiative the club is looking into two more money-making initiatives, such as offering insurance for injuries incurred by those who have been slung out ( or off ) the building , along with specialist legal advice on wills.

NEW RULES FOR THE MEMBERS OF THE BENIGN BC
(USA)......ALL IN THE SPIRIT OF ZERO TOLERANCE !

1. In order for this club to grow and prosper financially , members must attend duplicates on a regular basis , which means of course cutting back on holidays.  Members' holidays therefore are considered to be completely unnecessary. All members should realise that there is nothing better than bridge, and that they are damn lucky to belong to a club as good as this. Should any member cancel a duplicate to go on holiday , this will be considered by the Committee as being disloyal. Consequently , the Committee will assume that the member must be unhappy with his/her duplicate experience , and will cease to be considered as a valuable revenue source to the club. Dismissal will of course have to be seriously considered by the Committee. 

2. The Committee will consider it a sign of weakness and bad practice should a member cancel a duplicate on the grounds of sickness. It is the duty of every member to attend weekly duplicates irrespective of their state of health. No one wants to see small fields where results are disturbingly skewed. Moreover , a visit to the doctor by a member is considered totally unnecessary as sitting seats will be provided for those unable to stand or walk. The Committee believes that if members can make it to their doctors or local hospitals , then they are certainly well enough to attend the club.

3. If a member's relative or friend has died then that excuse will not wash with the Committee. Unfortunate as this may be , there is obviously nothing much which can be done for the deceased other than let others dispose of the body. Therefore , The Committee will not accept such a death as a legitimate excuse for not attending a duplicate evening. The joy of bridge should never be jeopardised by the misery of trauma and grief. Funerals , if members insist on attending them , will need to be arranged for mornings only in order to make sure they can get to the club on time before the duplicate session starts.

4. Should a member's death occur prior to the start of the duplicate , the member should have both the decency and foresight to arrange a replacement for him/herself to avoid any risk of inflicting this inconvenience on the club. In such circumstances the Committee have the right to take disciplinary action , and impose a life ban posthumously.

AS ANOTHER MALE MEMBER OF THE BENIGN BC ( USA) IS EXPELLED.....THE LADY CHAIRMAN , WITH A SUBTLE GESTURE OF GREAT SINCERITY ,  BIDS HIM FAREWELL AS HE WALKS OUT THE DOOR

NEWSFLASH : BENIGN BRIDGE CLUB (USA) APPOINT BESS WATCHITT AS THE NEW FRONT OF HOUSE HOSPITALITY AND WELFARE OFFICER

" At this club the committee is determined to ensure standards of behaviour never fall below exemplary. Zero tolerance means ZERO tolerance. Have a nice day. "

NEWSFLASH :  THE BENIGN BC COMMITTEE TAKE A
PROACTIVE STEP IN REMINDING MEMBERS THAT
UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOUR WILL BE SEVERELY PUNISHED

NEWSFLASH : BENIGN BRIDGE CLUB ( USA ) IMPOSE EVEN STRICTER DRESS CODE ON LADY MEMBERS......

Dress code : rules 16 and 17

Ladies must refrain at all times from wearing short , skimpy skirts , see-through or open-neck blouses, sleeveless garments , high-heel shoes, and any item of clothing deemed by the committee to be colourful , sexually provocative and alluring. Hair must be kept tied back and under cover , with no mascara or make-up whatsoever allowed on any part of the face still exposed. 
A lady member's appearance must at no time be seen to entice and distract men from the demanding requirements of the game, ensuring that those still full of testosterone are able to bid and play the cards with maximum sustained focus and concentration.

BENIGN BRIDGE CLUB ( USA) DRESS CODE RULE 15

Specific items of dress if worn by errant and disobedient members will result in their membership being automatically terminated  without the need for any kind of disciplinary hearing to take place. 
Therefore under no circumstances whatsoever ( including Christmas and New Year festivities ) must a member of this club turn up wearing any of the following :
1. Kinky black leather items with or without a whip
2. A suit of armour 
3. Fig leaves
4. Anything dripping in blood
5. An Andy Pandy suit
6. A Hannibal Lecter T-shirt
7. See-through nightie
8. A Rambo outfit
9. A Margaret Thatcher face mask
10. Prison uniform
11. A strait-jacket
12. A pink satin jump suit ( if you're a man )
13. Scuba diving gear ( even if recently graduated )
14. Morris dancing regalia
15. A monstrous false black moustache and mariner's hat 
16. Birthday suit
17. Jack boots and a black shirt
18. Anything with a Hello Kitty logo
19. False boobs
20. Facial tattoos 

In fact..... anything the committee regards as being in bad taste and/or offensive to the eye. As self-appointed experts in fashion style , clothing standards and respectability , their judgements cannot be queried , questioned or challenged. 

NEWSFLASH : BENIGN BRIDGE CLUB INTRODUCE A NEW  BEGGING-FOR-MERCY FORM FOR GROVELLING MEMBERS TO USE ......WHEN ABOUT TO FACE THE COMMITTEE'S IMMENSELY EFFECTIVE FAST TRACK DISCIPLINARY HEARINGS

BENIGN BRIDGE CLUB ( USA ) LEADS THE WAY........

As the club committee moves to towards imposing even stricter zero tolerance rules  , the quest to batter the members into totally compliant , submissive and obedient automatons continues unabated.  Indeed , over the past few months many more new sub-committees have been formed in a bold and calculated attempt to make this 1984 Utopian dream come true. The full list can be seen below :

1.   Vetting Panel for Membership Re-admissions
2.   Dossiers On Members : Compilations and Updates  
3.   Propaganda , Spin Doctoring , Censorship and Sanitisation ( of reports and minutes ) 
4.   Fire Fighting Unit ( specialising in stopping leaks and dealing with major disasters  )
5.   Internal Affairs ( oversight investigations , house rules enforcement and door security )
6.   Uncover Surveillance and Covert Activities  
7.   Fund Raising
8.   New Regulations and Essential Redrafts of the Constitution
9.   Brown Envelope Deliveries  ( payments for information from blabbermouths, weasels,  
      canaries, song birds and stool pigeons ) 
10.  Slush Funds : Off-shore Operations and Concealment  
11.  Legal Issues and Ethics : Avoidance and Circumvention
12.  Emergency and Exit Planning  ( just in case club goes belly up )
  

NEWSFLASH : LEAKED DOCUMENT REVEALS LIST OF MEMBERS BANNED FROM THE BENIGN BC FOR ALLEGED BREACHES OF THEIR ZERO TOLERANCE POLICY 

1.  Louden Rawcus
2.  Fuller Spite
3.  Constance Sniping
4 . Paul N. Faces
5.  Leah Ring
6.  Mona Lott
7.  Mickey Takin
8.  Joe Kinner-Round
9.  Jack N. Hoff
10. Ivor Wright-Temper
11. Eve L. Glairs
12. Adam Mennis
13. Ruth Leslie Meen
14. Cort Trumping
15. Arthur Greeting
16. Bea N. Corse
17. Kent B. Havewell
18. Ima Badden
19. Callum Alsorts
20. Paddy Thrower
21. Randy Aldman
22. Sasha Payne
23. Jay L. Byrd
24. Helen Leggs
25. Duncan Des Ordaleigh
26. Ava Sharpe-Tung
27. Alec Toby Rood
28. Gus Hipp-Monger
29. Con R. Tiste
30. Dick Flasher

NEWSFLASH : THE BENIGN BRIDGE CLUB'S NEW ALL FEMALE COMMITTEE DECIDE UPON DRASTIC ACTION TO IMPROVE THE DISGUSTING STATE OF THE MEN'S TOILETS

THE BENIGN BC PAYS THE ULTIMATE PRICE FOR ITS SUB-ZERO TOLERANCE POLICY...( Report by " Toxic " Ted Bateman )

There's no doubt about it , the inmates have taken over the asylum. This club's much trumpeted sub-zero tolerance policy has really back-fired big time. It was about five years ago when I first visited this venue , which at that time went under the name Fun Palace BC. It was full of colourful characters ,  weirdos and oddballs , many of which possessed eccentric personalities. What made them fascinating and appealing was their loud , opinionated , boisterous , and argumentative banter , often enhanced by cheeky rudeness , sarcastic quips and mischievous asides. They were always at the center of controversies , scandals , shocking rumours , great stories and amusing incidents. They gave the place a real buzz  , not to mention the excitement in the anticipation that something newsworthy was going to happen. And although some members felt uncomfortable or intimidated by their awesome presence , the majority accepted them in the same way we learn to accept the bumping , pushing ,  hustle ,  bustle , and argy bargy that happens whenever one goes shopping a busy department store. 

However , when I revisited the club ,  appropriately renamed  "Benign "  ,  I was struck dumb. In fact I was shocked to the core , and deepened saddened by the transformation that had taken place.  Table numbers had fallen by half , and the ratio of men to woman had changed dramatically in favour of the fairer sex. Prudish , prim and proper attitudes were clearly in ascendancy. Members moved about as though they were walking on eggshells. Conversations were quiet , polite , superficial , shallow and annoyingly cliched. But worst of all was the lack of atmosphere in the place. Dead was not a word that could fully describe it. Even morgues offered a more lively alternative. Members seemed racked with fear and trepidation . careful not to offend anyone by word or gesture.  Indeed , they had all developed the knack of maintaining a dead pan facial expression plastered with a well manufactured smile. Emotions were held firmly in check. They all wore best behaviour badges on strait jackets of conformity. It was horrible to see.

So can anyone name me a competitive sport where the participants are forced to behave like mice and not men , lambs and not lions ,  bunny rabbits and not wolves , or a bunch of goody-two-shoes and not demons ? I doubt it. Who wants to play in an arena full of pussy-footing, overly sensitive, extremely delicate Mother Teresas . Not me for sure. The purification of the bridge scene here at the Benign BC represents the end of bridge as I once knew it ....and cherished.

What options then am I left with if zero tolerance becomes the future of bridge. Well , thankfully there is a place in little old England where bridge is played in a hot-bed of passion , incident , excitement and intrigue.  A place where men are " real " men , and where woman also know how to mix it. Yes....I'm talking about the Slaughter House  BC , run and owed by Howard Bigot-Johnson.....a modern version of Sir Francis Dashwood's infamous Hell-fire Club......the perfect place for card-loving , sado-masochistic , pleasure seeking hedonists who like to experience life on the edge.
   

   

INSIDE THE BENIGN BC (USA) A SEEMINGLY SECRET CONVERSATION TAKES PLACE...........

-  Is it safe to talk here ?
-  God only knows...... walls in this place have ears.....
-  You see , I 'm beginning to have doubts about the committee's wisdom in ruthlessly pursuing  
    this insane sub-zero tolerance policy 
-  Why's that ?
-  Well , the other night the director had to deal with 45 table incidents .....but what was even
    more alarming was the fact that 31 other people wanted him to deal with the same bunch of 
    out-of-order opponents.........only to be told to put down their complaints in writing 
-  And what were these complaints all about ?
-  Oh...the usual things .....coughing into their hands and not their handkerchiefs.......speaking 
   out of turn.....moving bridgemates across the table without the keeper's permission........ 
   cracking jokes........making harmless jibes..... failing to greet opponents with a warm smile an
   and hello     
-  My God......whatever next
-  Yes....this business of having to call directors over , simply because players have been 
    encouraged to spill the beans , has turned this place into one massive hell-hole.....where
    nobody dare say anything..........not even boo to a goose. Why can't members be allowed to
    take the initiative and call a spade a spade.......or a cheat a cheat ?     
-  Well, the policy makes sense to me because members mustn't be allowed to let altercations 
    escalate in full blown shouting matches
-  Boy....you just don't get it....this damn policy is turning members into snitches . informers , 
   stool-pigeons , tell-tale betrayers .......as well as moulding them into compliant , pretentiously  
   nice , ever-so-creepy , obsequious, personality dead robots
-  DI... RECT...TOR.....DIRECTOR......COME QUICKLY.......THIS MAN HAS JUST INSULTED 
   ME AND EVERYONE ELSE       

ONE MEMBER EXPLAINS TO ANOTHER HOW ETHICS GOVERN AND SHAPE THE WAY THE BENIGN BRIDGE CLUB DISCIPLINARY COMMITTEE GOES ABOUT ITS BUSINESS...............

- So what happened to old Spooner then ?
-  He had to attend a disciplinary hearing
-  What for exactly ?
-  Making a disparaging remark about the Chairman in a private bar room conversation......
   heard and recorded by four committee members in a secret bunker downstairs.......using   
   recently purchased state-of-the-art surveillance and bugging devices 
-  Is that all ?
-  Yes....and all five submitted a complaint about him to be dealt with by the committee........
    which as it happened included themselves
-  Isn't that a bit unethical
-  Wise up dunderhead......we talking about a bridge club here , which has a strict zero
    tolerance policy to uphold no matter what. The right and proper procedure of course    
    required the whole committee to be involved , as a collective unit , putting on a united front    
    in its quest to get members to toe the line....... and do as they are told
-  Oh yes.....sorry , I forgot.........but I still want to know what happened to Spooner ?
-  He got suspended for 5 years and had to pay a £2000 fine
-  What !......The poor man was 82 years old and had given over 30 years of his life raising
   funds for this club.... not to mention the thousands of hours of unpaid work he put in behind  
   the scenes
-  Yes , that's true.....but that cuts no ice with this committee.....because when push comes to 
   shove ,  it would have been totally unethical for them to treat him more favourably than say  
   a loose-tongued layabout , who had never given a damn about the club or lifted a finger to 
   help the club out in any way at all
-  You're right......double standards and ethical ideals make very uncomfortable bedfellows
-  Indeed they do
-  So tell me....how did Spooner take this punishment ?
-  Naturally , he was deeply upset....utterly distraught......beside himself with pain and anguish ...
   in fact he was as miserable as sin 
-  And how did did the committee react to that ?
-  They ordered him to be taken outside and shot
-  What !
-  Well putting a poor old soul out of his abject misery then seemed the most ethical and  
    humane thing to do
-  Yes, I guess you're right
-  So you see this committee is beyond reproach when it comes to making decisions purely
   on ethical grounds
-  Yes, I stand convinced....
       

BENIGN BRIDGE CLUB DRESS CODE AS LAID DOWN IN ITS ZERO TOLERANCE POLICY ( RULES 13 AND 14 )

The prime objective of this committee is to establish high standards along side an elegant ambiance within this club . Therefore , all members must adhere to a strict dress code on entering the premises. If suitably attired , then our outside no-nonsense , psychopathic , ex-military security staff will issue compliant members with a pass , which permits access to the club facilities.
 
Members may come in fashionable casual attire in order to enjoy the bridge experience , mixing and socialising with others in a desirable setting of affluence and refinement.  Members will benefit from intermingling with those possessing a similar taste for style and panache ,  and that all important sense of occasion.

Under no circumstances whatsoever will the committee tolerate or allow the wearing of tank tops , T-shirts , cut-off jeans , shorts , exposed tattoos , sweat pants , joggers , flip-flops , sandals,  work clothes , charity shop cast-offs ,  or anything else which is cheap , nasty , badly creased or in bad taste. Moreover , members must ensure that their outfits  must be fresh and clean, and that goes for their bodies too. Therefore, it is paramount importance to arrive at the club having recently applied deodorants , perform, aftershave , toothpaste ,  mouthwash  , soap and shampoo conditioners to relevant parts of their body,  Anyone perceived to offend the eye or the nose of any surveillance officer as " lowering the tone of the premises " will be barred straightaway , and subsequently suspended for a month. 

For members who have a real feel for that sense of occasion , the committee will expect the ladies to turn up in diamond studded evening dresses , and the men in tuxedos , plain white shirts , turn-up trousers and bow ties.

( Footnote : the committee's aim is to return bridge back to the halcyon days of the 1930's , where one felt privileged and honoured to be part of a grand event , which was both special and highly memorable )  

NEWSFLASH : THE BENIGN BC MEMBERSHIP FINALLY BEGINS TO GROW

For the first time in months new members brought in exceeded old members booted out. The list of last month's applicants accepted by the committee as "suitable " are shown below :

Mr & Mrs Boring                    Sir Ian Lee
Ellie Gantt                             Amy Abel
Sue Goode                            Ann Nice
Fuller Love                             Len Suffering
Mr & Mrs St.Leigh                  Sue Pine
Biddy Bull                              Ima Darling
Jen E. Hall                             Bess Manners
Noah Greeson                        Reverend N. Godley
Mr & Mrs Caring                     N. Dearing

NEWSFLASH : BENIGN BC ( USA ) TAKE POLITICAL CORRECTNESS ONTO A NEW SEMANTIC LEVEL

A few days ago the committee decided upon initiating a major cull to remove all unruly and undesirable members from the club. Top of the list were those renown for their awkwardness and vocal opposition with regards to the implementation of the best behaviour zero tolerance policy. 
The committee of course felt the need to relabel the cull as " a targeted membership restructuring , realignment , and reduction strategy for the spiritual well being and integrity of the club ". 
Semantics aside , members who believed they too might be under threat were naturally horrified at the implications of such a program being undertaken. However, the moment they voiced their opposition to this latest initiative , they unfortunately found themselves to be in the first wave to be thrown out on their ears.       

THE BENIGN BC ZERO TOLERANCE POLICY RULES 727-32

727. Under no circumstances whatsoever must a player call an opponent " a filthy low down cheating dog " , even though he/she just happens to be a filthy low down cheating dog.

728 . In the event a player breaks the above rule , requiring a TD to be called over to admonish
his/her most unwelcome slur on a fellow club member , that person must refrain from slagging off the official for failing to deal with the real villain of the piece , namely the cheating opponent.

729. If both the above two rules have been broken , the player concerned must not be seen or heard ranting and raving about the committee after receiving a summons to attend a disciplinary hearing, even though no action at all has been taken against the cheating dog who he felt obliged to chastise and expose. 

730. Should the unfortunate player find himself in breach of the above 3 rules , he must not challenge or contest the severe punishment metered out by the committee , having shown him/herself to be nothing more than a thoroughly foul-mouthed, objectionable psychological bully. 

731. If this obnoxious irritant insists on his/her right to an internal appeal , the blackguard must not berate , criticise or condemn the appeal panel " as useless tossers " especially when they are hand picked to endorse the committee's original decision, keen to deny that the player was a victim of extreme provocation perpetrated by the cheating antics of a rather unsavoury opponent.

732. In effect the club is more than willing to condone the widespread cheating that goes on in the interests of keeping its members happy , but it will not tolerate loud mouthed gits who get so pissed off with it all they fail to keep their emotions in check , or their thoughts strictly private.    

           

NEWSFLASH : EDITOR OF THE BENIGN BC NEWSLETTER DECIDES TO PUT OUT A RIVAL BLOG TO COUNTER THE EVIL OF BIGOT-JOHNSON'S  " BIZARREBRIDGEWORLD " 

So here are a few words from the editor himself , Fuller Lovejoy.
" Yes, something has to be done to gloss over the blot that Bigot-Johnson has put on the landscape of internet bridge blogs. My new look blog, approved by Google's very own marketing department , will be called Beautiful Bridge World.
No more carping , sick toilet jokes , obscenity , sarcasm , and vitriolic abuse. No more pathetic sanctimonious platitudes from that bogus professor Hu Chi Ku Chi. No more degradation , defamation and defilement of the people involved with bridge. No more inane crap and poisonous asides.
This new and heart warming blog will be nothing short of clean , wholesome , innocent ,
endearing , delightful articles , bestowing the virtues of this great game and the people who run it. Indeed, the blog will be packed full with lots of interesting and fascinating stories about hands, bridge celebrities and charming little incidents , which will entertain readers immensely.
My church-going, law abiding contributors are all well respected members of the Benign BC , who are thrilled at the prospect of promoting bridge as it should be..........as opposed to blatant lampooning and piss-taking, which that reprobate Bigot-Johnson loves to indulge in.
The writers , listed below , are determined not to stand by and let this proud and noble game being ridiculed and treated with contempt :

Eve. R. Sopure                  Wanda Full
Troy Toby Nice                  Ivor Kindheart
Honey Dew                        Sue Sweet
Amy Cable                         Wyatt Dove
Bess Greetings                  Sasha D. Lite
Ima Goodie                        Will Makepeace                                                                      "