THE 10 WORST CRIMES YOU CAN COMMIT AT THE BRIDGE TABLE.......( in rank bad order of heinous and outrageous behaviour )

1. Murder 
2. Plonking a bridgemate down underneath an opponent's nose
3. Assaulting an opponent 
4. Setting fire to or ripping up your scorecard
5. Smirking with glee at an opponent's mistake
6. Vacating your seat in a very damp state
7. Cheating of any kind in any form
8. Farting with gay abandon
9. Shouting obscenities at your hapless partner
10. Picking one's nose or sneezing out loudly

BRIDGE : THE PERFECT IMPERFECT GAME....... ( Article by Carp )

Bridge is without doubt a most majestic and beautiful game. The irony of course is every one of its major imperfections plays an important part in making the game so perfect. These imperfections simply add to the enthralling challenge which faces each player at the table.
Some commentators have defined bridge as a two-person zero sum game in that it involves two players forming a partnership. Therefore it becomes immediately apparent that each player has to overcome imperfect recall. One or both will forget things they knew or have experienced in the past. Establishing a perfect wave-length and understanding with partner inevitably takes years of hard work and practice , an objective which unfortunately is never likely to come to fruition.
In some extreme cases a player might fail to recall what is on their convention card , what took place in the auction, what cards have been played during a hand , and what happened in near identical hands they encountered before. The absence of a perfect memory creates an imperfect recall, which becomes a difficult obstacle to overcome.
Another imperfection lies in the fact that during the early play of the hand so many cards remain hidden from view. With this degree of imperfect knowledge of who holds what , difficult decisions and choices have to be made. The challenge here to replace guesswork with logical deduction , clue analysis and sound judgement. Assumptions need to be drawn on all the evidence gathered to date, combined with an imperfect knowledge of the true statistical odds that apply at any given stage of the hand in play. Based on imperfect analysis at the start of play , players strive valiantly to identify the best lines of play , especially when more and more information comes to light. 
The reality of the game is that the number of possible bidding sequences in an auction, along with the possible sequences of cards being played , run into tens of thousands. This means that in a very large field various different contracts will be arrived at , and that the outcomes in an identical contract will vary enormously. An imperfect opening lead, continuation or switch is often the root cause of such diverse outcomes.
Players are required to make imperfect choices based on imperfect information. This imperfection might well be  (a) the lack of any information at all  or (b) misleading information , and (c) inadequate information leading to false assumptions and mistakes. The fact that any player at the table can be guilty of off-centre bids , psychs , and deceptive gambits , not to mention stupidity,  the idea that perfect information could exist is an absolute non-starter.  
However , the main reason why bridge is such an imperfect game is , I'm afraid , down to the fact that too many players cheat. Some of cheating is unintentional , petty and soft. Other forms of cheating have become hard , deliberate , calculating , intentional and highly sophisticated ( possibly undetectable ). The challenge here for the good honest players is to recognise its presence and to report their findings to the governing bodies , The problem here is that whatever suspicions and accusations are made , they must be supported by strong irrefutable evidence.
Finally , we come to the imperfections of each and every player , who will always fall the victim to The Human Condition. The majority of players are prone to lapses of memory , focus , concentration, discipline and ethical conduct. Directors are prone to an imperfect knowledge or interpretation of the rules , allowing prejudice and bias to determine their decisions. Noise and disturbances at other tables create an imperfect environment in which players struggle to maintain focus and concentration.
So yes ,  bridge becomes the perfect game in that players have to overcome all the imperfections inherent in the game. These added challenges are immense ,  but the beauty and majesty of the game makes each and every one worth taking on.    
  

 

JUST LISTEN TO WHAT BERNARD YOMTOV SAYS ABOUT BRIDGE AND WHY SOME CONTROL IS NEEDED TO REIN IN AND OUTLAW COMPLEX AND CONVOLUTED BIDDING SYSTEMS

Since bridge is a partnership game and chess is not , greater efforts are needed to stop opponents gaining an unfair advantage by having
complex and convoluted bidding systems. 

" If your opponent in a chess game does something very unusual you can, at least in principle, figure out how to counter it right there at the board. Advance preparation would be nice, but is not required.

In bridge, players faced with complex and unfamiliar systems cannot do that. Any counter requires agreement between the partners, and that can't be done at the table, by the very rules. Even pre-alerts and the like don't solve this, because of time constraints, incomplete understandings, etc.

Further, at bridge you will not know all the twists and turns the opponents' auction might take. In chess it is all right there in front of you, if you can just figure it out.

What I'm saying is that in chess there is no inherent obstacle to countering an unusual move. In bridge there are such obstacles. "

System cards loaded with obstacles , yet no licensing constraints ......it's a recipe for anarchy .

IF BRIDGE IS A SPORT THEN HOW COME THE MEANS BY WHICH THE GAME IS PLAYED FAIL TO CONFORM TO ANY REGULATORY STANDARDS ?........( Article by Carp )

In chess both players start out with the same pieces , which conform to particular rules of movement and placement. In cricket both the ball and the ball must confirm to material , size and weight requirements, and with rules on handling and usage. In golf , players'clubs must confirm to rules regarding the number carried , head types and shapes plus length and weight specifications. Athletes must strictly adhere to rules governing shoes,  intake of medicines and dietary supplements.
Why have such rules one might ask ? The answer of course is to insure that all participants enter the competition on a level playing field , to deny any competitor to seek out and exploit AN UNFAIR ADVANTAGE. 
So back to bridge and the means by which the game is played : the system card declaring what bids mean and what defensive manoeuvres will be used . If every competitor was obliged to conform to a standard bidding system, the playing field automatically becomes level. Success will now depend upon how well the players master and apply that system if they are to triumph over their opponents. By allowing extreme diversity of bidding systems as exists today the game has become a mockery,  with some players armed with rocket launchers up against others who choose only to start out with pea shooters.   The rocket launchers are designed to benefit the users to the detriment of those who have little or no time to grasp and understand their complex and convoluted sequences . made up of artificial , multiple possibility bids. This is equivalent to having a golfer carrying around 40 odds clubs . one ideally suited for every contingency , or a batsman electing to go in with a 12 inch wide bat, 
Governing bodies have , in my view , lost control of the emerging farce, allowing so-called experts to use their overly complex custom made systems  , designed primarily to achieve two goals  :  (i)  to feed their vanity in naming the system after themselves - a way of achieving immortality (ii) to dope their opponents through sheer mental exhaustion  leaving them permanently confused , dazed and befuddled - a seemingly legitimate way of cheating. 
Bridge can only retain its integrity and majesty once competitors start out FROM THE SAME STARTING LINE .....WITH A CLEAN BILL OF HEALTH......HONEST INTENTIONS.... AND OF COURSE STANDARD CONFORMING EQUIPMENT.
No wonder the game is in the doldrums.

MAJOR ALERT : BIDDING SYSTEMS OUT OF CONTROL........... ( Article by Carp )

In the minds of many,  bidding systems have become the play toy of smart-arse players deviously designed to be convoluted , destructive and overly complex. How and why governing bodies have permitted the use of such systems are questions yet to be answered. Are they afraid of offending those you put forward claims that they are fair and legitimate , thoroughly deserving of a licence. 
What was once a system card on a 1-sided piece of paper now run to a 4-5 page booklet with umpteen supplementary notes. Moreover auctions are peppered with " alerts " ,the explanations of which are often long and confusing ......not to mention the time consuming in the process. So when one alert is followed by another , and yet more , the auction ultimately descends into a farce. Opponents are never any wiser , and in no real position to implement counter-bids of their own. So the smart-arse bidders have gained a very significant but unfair advantage. They know what's going on but no one else at the table does. 
When will this madness stop allowing level playing fields to return in order to restore the integrity of the game.
I often come up against ultra aggressive players who bid on tram-tickets solely with the aim to disrupt their opponents casting doubt and uncertainty in their minds. Pre-empts even on 5 card suits. Weak two ( 2-suited ) openers usually in a 5-12 hcp range,  1C bids which might be a few as one in that suit. Light openers and super light openers non-vulnerable or in 3rd position. Psyches , semi-psyches and off-centre bids. Stepped responses and loads of enquiry bids. And not forgetting weak or strong , either-or bids to join the wonderfully ambiguous multi-2-diamonds  Most of them to be alerted , to accompany dozens of announced bids. No wonder the game has become a big turn off for those who try it out for the first time.
Every one should go onto the Bridgeblogging site to read Paul Cronin's September 21st where he shows genuine concern over opening bids which don't even satisfy the rule of 16. So why don't we all abandon system cards , allowing everyone to benefit from having secret coded bids instead.  

WHERE DO TOPS COME FROM ?.........( Article by Carp )

Ideally, they should come from superior bidding alongside superior card play. A situation where experts manage to cleverly engineer an auction towards an ideal outcome , which creates for them golden opportunities to seize and exploit to maximum effect.
Sadly however in the world of duplicate bridge tops usually arrive as unexpected gifts , courtesy of their opponents ;
- bidding misunderstandings in the bidding 
- gross underbidding and/or bidding 
- careless or inept play of the cards
- costly breaches of the rules ( incurring penalties or damaging restrictions )  
- revokes
- mechanical errors such as pulling out or playing the wrong cards
- crucial lapses of concentration
- magical thinking
- allowing emotions to take over from sound judgement
- an alarming inability to read the cards or piece clues together
Good scores are all to often the result of unforced errors , as in a game of tennis. Too many tops are undeserved, such as  arriving at a ridiculous , impossible slam only to make it against all the odds,  because of woeful and inept defence. If winners are deemed to be the players who make the least number of mistakes , it must also be true that winners  are those who profited most from mistakes committed by opponents than any other pair in the room.

DIRTY BRIDGE IS THE ONLY WAY FORWARD..... ( Article by Carp )

Let's face facts here. Cheating in this game is so endemic , it seems that nothing can be done to eradicate it. Half the players who cheat are oblivious to the fact that their behavioural nuances are being picked up by their alert partners as providing valuable albeit unauthorized information about their hands. Facial expressions , body posture or movements , changes in tempo , and hesitations provide real " tells " . This means that in well established regular partnerships , other channels of communication run in tandem with the bidding and play of the cards.
But wait there may be a solution after all : SEGREGATION.
All clubs ( and tournaments ) should split into two. One group of players , namely the cheats , need to play against each other in the dirty bridge section where anything goes. Then each pair can be reassured that they are playing on a level albeit filthy playing field. No one is disadvantaged because everyone is equally active in the dark art of cheating.
The remaining saints and purists will form the other group where the playing field is clean , open and transparent. Players are are more likely to play with a multitude of partners , everyone keeping to simple bidding systems , committed to making all bids in tempo and retaining a calm , still , placid posture when involved in play. 
Having two clubs under one roof should not pose any problems. As for deciding which group to join there needs to be a criteria for playing in the clean bridge section, which if unmet means players are obliged to play dirty bridge. Criteria should include a previous history of never having partnered someone more than once a month. A reputation for having a dead pan face , and always bidding in tempo with hardly any variation in body movement and gestures. A track record of always being ethical , being the first to admit or confess to having made even the slightest transgression. 
When problems can't be eradicated , then people must learn to live and manage the problems. Hells bells why the Olympic Bodies don't run an event solely for the drug taking athletes is beyond me. Doing all this drug testing is not only a waste of money ( the cheats still find ways around it ) the problem is never likely to go away. Athletes have already started to look at each other with great suspicion. So let's have clean Olympic events running alongside the drug fuelled ones, which Russia no doubt will be eager to place all its athletes.  



  

DRUGS IN BRIDGE : LATEST SCANDAL 

An in-depth investigation by news reporter Anna Bollick-Steroyd has uncovered evidence of the shocking use of drugs throughout the world of bridge.
According to her main source , the infamous whistle blower Ivor Bigmouth, many top players have become totally dependent on drugs to improve their levels of concentration , memory , speed and depth of analysis along with mental stamina.
" It's very sad " , said Ivor , " but the nature of the modern game has become so competitive and results orientated , players are resorting to all manner of ways by which to cheat and seek an unfair advantage. Using drugs to enhance their memory and performance is much harder to detect.Moreover , staying alert , sharp and fully focused over long sessions at the tables is not easy unless drugs are used. Before all this cheating ,  players would often fall asleep towards the end of a lengthy tournament. Others would go on dream-like walkabouts. But now you see hyped-up players jumping about in their seats , making flamboyant gestures , eyes all lit up as their minds run wild with probability calculations to determine their best options and lines of play. In my opinion these brain enhancement drugs should be treated with the same contempt as LSD , speed , ecstasy and amphetamines. "
However , one brain food addict was suspiciously quick to defend the practice saying " nearly all players pump themselves up with caffeine-laced coffees and liquid pick-me-up tonics , so why condemn those who go that extra step. Since everyone is doing drugs I see no objection when it comes to using stronger stuff when competing at the highest levels. Moreover the WBF has opted to sit on the fence, refusing to address this issue for fear of rocking the boat , by having more cheating scandals hitting the press. "
Ironically, one infamous player , renown for his high profile cheating , said " using drugs to improve performance is not acceptable especially when there are far more effective ways to achieve glory and success. No one should risk their personal health and well being when there are so many less damaging ways to gain an unfair advantage over unsuspecting opponents. "

PROFILE OF A TRUE BRIDGE EXPERT...... ( Article by Carp )

Far too many bridge players claim to be an expert when in reality they are nothing more than competent. Even players who have attained high rankings fool themselves that they are experts, when these rankings are based more on numerous appearances at green pointed events rather than ever making a top ten finish. 
In my book experts.....I mean true experts.....are a rare breed , and only a very small number have the right and privilege to be classed as such. These highly gifted and talented players all possess the majority of attributes listed below :
1.  Depth of analysis
2.  Speed of analysis
3.  Table presence
4.  Alertness
5.  Reading of the cards
6.  Cunning
7.  Masters of deceptive play
8.  Imaginative and creative
9.  Always quick to Identify dangers and risks
10. Avoid where possible the need to guess
11. Ready and able to counter threats 
12. Never choose to rely on luck ( they simply make their own )
13. Snatch victory from the jaws of defeat
14. Adopt lines of play which maximise the winning odds
15. Never get ruffled or rattled
16. Faultless memory
17. Recognise partner's limitations and therefore bid/defend accordingly
18. Totally ethical 
19.  Always calm and assured
20.  Combine experience and skill to maximum effect

Indeed , I'm sure there are many other attributes which can be assigned to a true expert. So unless you can honestly say you possess many of the above specifications , just settle for being a competent bridge player......but nothing more.

SLOW BRIDGE PLAYERS : THE INVISIBLE CHEATS......
( Article by Carp )

Slow players are in my humble view the invisible cheats in the world of bridge: unrecognised and ignored by those in authority. Their personal torment of course is never knowing what to bid or which card to play next. Their world is one of confusion , self-doubt and dithering. Yet their nightmare is nothing compared to the torment they inflict upon their embarrassed partners and distraught opponents. Slow players  test everyone's patience to such an extent maintaining self-control becomes almost impossible. Yet nothing is ever done to root this evil from this game.
So let's look at the consequences of slow play and the way it sullies this cherished and hallowed game :
1. The stress levels for those at the table is akin to a boiling pot with the lid pressed down
2. Unwanted pressure is put on others to hurry their decisions simply to recover the lost time
3. By being cheated out of their fair share of thinking time , other players are now far more to
    make uncharacteristic mistakes
4. The game takes on an unfavourable reputation of being painfully boring
5. Starting times for the next round can be held up risking the cancellation of the final round
6. Any poor souls following a slow pair often find themselves half-a-board down before they
    even get to the vacated seats
7. Slow play might well be used as a psychological weapon to rattle the opponents, which 
    clearly amounts to another form of invisible cheating

Indeed , slow play represents acts of gross selfishness , which warrants both warnings and stiff penalties. If cricketers can be fined for slow play then so should all other kinds of sportsmen including bridge players. To see a player um and arr over a decision in circumstances where
the bog standard choice is obviously right , it's no wonder why those adversely affected by these unnecessary delays tend to blow a gasket. So can anyone please explain to me why zero tolerance policies choose to ignore the shocking behaviour of slow play.

PROFILE OF A TRULY OBNOXIOUS BRIDGE PLAYER......
( By Carp )

The most telling characteristics , which are there for all to see , are listed below :

1.  Sits sideways on at the table
2.  Leans well back with legs well apart
3.  Portrays an air of superiority ( which his inability at the game cannot justify )
4.  Condescending attitude towards his partners
5.  Loves to hold court even though no one wants to listen
6.  Hums when happy: tuts when distressed
7.  Blames everyone else but never himself
8.  Huffs and puffs when under pressure
9.  Places his cards on the table in a casual , nonchalant way
10. Forever calling the TD over for perceived rule violations 
11. Always a sarcastic tone in his voice
12. Loves the sound of his own voice
13. Never listens
14.  Reacts badly to any form of criticism 
15.  Acts and behaves like a spoilt child and/or injured prima donna 
16.  Oblivious to his irritating habits ( which are many )
17.  Deliberate and annoyingly slow
18.  Oozes smugness when luck is going his way
19.  Greets opponents with insincere politeness and false bonhomme 
20.  Name dropper of the highest order when boasting and bragging  

WHY COMPUTERS WILL NEVER BEAT AN EXPERT PAIR AT BRIDGE................. ( Article by Carp )

In games like chess , backgammon and go there's a one-to-one confrontation. The computer has full information of the board and pieces in play. The process of determining the best moves can be solved by decision trees , with options supported by reference to a large database of previous games , where both winning and losing moves are on record.
Bridge on the other hand would require two computers to operate independently of each other but in keeping with an agreed , albeit programmed , system card. Their understanding will therefore be in accordance with all the rules of the game , agreed conventions ,  logical deductions and mathematical/ probability analysis. What a computer pairing may never be able to achieve is table presence , intuition and an instinct for deceptive play. How can computers pick up the vibes from opponents' pauses , hesitations , moments of indecision and changes of mind ?  No matter how good the programming , computers may not be able work out what is going on when deceptive smokescreens are created by their expert opponents.
Indeed , when computers are hit with high level pre-empts, psyches , and/or off-center bids any decisions arrived at can be based on inaccurate data and/or false assumptions. The experts of course will possess are far greater understanding of the situation , knowing that all is not what it seems.
Playing bridge involves far too many intangibles that cannot be programmed into a computer. For instance experts know intuitively when the time is right to introduce " swinging " onto their bidding and play. Moreover , experts know how to muddy the waters to make life difficult for opponents , and when to adopt a passive or aggressive stance in bidding and/or defence. World class players have of course the ability to be imaginative , flexible and deceptive . They know how to set traps , smell rats , and to weave intricate webs of deception. Often in a well established pairing , each player develops a sixth sense as to what his/her partner is all about. This isn't cheating for it is wisdom based on years of experience. Computers are forced to rely on cold logic , and analysis based on hard facts stored in their memory banks.
Bridge they say is a game which to an extent relies on luck. Decisions often made in the absence of any information require a player to make a guess. Luck they say evens out allowing computers and humans to get the same amount. However , experts make their own luck by persuading their opponents into taking the wrong option .False carding along with other forms of deceptive play may become the only option for a defence , bereft of points , to outwit and outflank their opponents. Can computers recognize these situations at the table, or know how to spot and react to such cunning. ? 
So yes , at present my money will always be wagered on the experts to win.......at least for another century.   
   

IT'S ALL TOO EASY FOR PLAYERS TO LOSE THEIR COOL WHEN PARTNERS LOSE THEIR WAY........ ( Article by Carp ) 

Let's face it inept partners can drive anyone to blow their stack. How players are meant to keep their cool when partners keep on pressing self-destruct buttons is beyond me. Indeed , over the years I've had to clench my fists, bite my tongue and bottle my anger and frustration because of partner's carelessness and idiocy. How can anyone be expected to cope with a partner who during a session commits the following sins :
1.  Forgets what's on the system card
2.  Hands out advantages to the opponents by bidding and playing cards out of turn
3.  Makes careless discards which then exposes you to an excruciating squeeze
4.  Pulls your excellent doubles into a doomed contracts 
5.  Fails to return a suit which which you were planning to ruff
6.  Fails to cash a winner because of his/her failure to count  
7.  Ignores both obvious and blatantly obvious signals
8.  Always manages to choose grossly inferior lines of play
9.  Forgets to alert artificial opening bids 
10. Leaves in your take-out doubles
11. Misbids distributional two-suited hands
12. Allows suits to be blocked
13. Maroons him/herself from winners in dummy
14. Pulls trumps when cross-ruffing provides the best chance of making tricks
15. Loves to lead out unsupported honours
16. Gifts opponents galactic tops
17. Can never recall the bidding or cards played earlier on
18. Hesitates for ages before passing
19. Selects a card to be played ahead of everyone else
20. Falls into the simplest of traps set by the opponents
21. Misses every opportunity to punish slip-ups by the opponents
22. Goes on walkabouts
23. Can never recognise what declarer is up to
24. Loves to give opponents free get-out-of-jail cards
25. Doesn't know or understand the concept of safety play
26. Over bids on poor hands while underbidding on good hands

Need I go on because in even in these few examples any saint would succumb to flying into a rage invoking the wrath of the zero tolerance enforcement officers , who of course have no idea or sympathy as to what you have had to suffer.   

FAILING PARTNERSHIPS : KNOWING WHEN TO CALL IT A DAY............. ( Article by Carp )

Many partnerships just like marriages end in divorce on the grounds of an irretrievable breakdown. In some cases players can get through partners on a yearly basis , in the hope and belief that the perfect one will come along tomorrow. Indeed , some short-lived partnerships don't even make it beyond the initial honeymoon period , such is the acute impatience of players who possess huge egos and unrealistic expectations.
However , what is an irrefutable truth is that every partnership has its up and downs.  The majority of players ( thank God ) sensibly realise that these oscillations are inevitable given the way in which the fickle finger of fate can operate. Results at bridge depend far more at what has gone on at other tables rather than what has happened at yours. 
Nevertheless , when results go against you the partnership does come under pressure , and relationships can suffer as a consequence. So is it possible for relationships to sink to such depths where the prospect of recovery is nil ?  Sadly , the answer is yes. This scenario occurs when the relationship is tainted by the foul whiff of contempt. Whether it comes from you , or at you , that is the moment when the partnership is in doomed . This is the moment to call it a day and move on to pastures new.
Contempt is the most corrosive of all emotions. It transcends sarcastic jibes , or cutting remarks such as " partner....you played that hand like a moron " . Moreover , there is no disguising the contempt which is always etched into player's facial expression. Often , this look is accompanied by a brief sneer , followed by an eye roll to complement a tiny almost imperceptible lift of the top lip on the left side of the mouth . The contemptuous sneer therefore is a dead giveaway that the partnership is in its death throes and can never recover. 
Contempt might well manifest itself in thinly disguised albeit witty put downs or acidic humour. At the other extreme ,  contempt will be the bitter icing on a cake laced apocalyptic criticism . Such an attack will be made against the person rather than the ineptness of a particular bid or play of the cards. In each case at its root there is unbridled anger and disdain , where one player attempts to pronounce superiority over the other through actions designed to be mocking and divisive.
Whether a player is dishing it out or is on the receiving end , contempt is a killer. There is nothing else quite so destructive to partnership harmony and mutual respect. It is without doubt an extreme form of verbal and psychological abuse , both belittling and demeaning in every way.
So my advice is this. If you are in a partnership which is already showing signs of negative behaviour  patterns , bail out before contempt sets in. So what if you say goodbye to a cracking good player , your self confidence and sanity must surely come first. Look for a partner who is far more forgiving and accepting of who you are and how you play the game.

CARP GETS ANOTHER REPLY.........

Dear Carp ,
The Stourbridge bridge club is a proud institution , and we the Committee have also introduced a highly successful zero complaints policy. Buggers who puts in irrelevant , petty and insignificant complaints find themselves in deep do-do. We have no time for wimps , whingers and moaners.
Mind you we don't expect our members to have the guts , will power and resolve to man up. Some of them , the poor souls , are too gentle , kind and considerate by nature , and expecting them to change into hard nuts overnight is both unlikely and unrealistic .
Instead , for those members who need , or ask for ,  " protection " , the Committee have spent large sums of money on providing free-of-use items made available to all members potentially under threat. These include :
1. Dark sunglasses so no one can read what the eyes might be revealing
2. Ear plugs to negate the impact of any verbal attack 
3. Facial masks which provide the ultimate dead pan , emotionless look 
4. Pilots' licences which allow the holders to handle and operate flying bridgemates
5. Membership badges belonging to the local karate club
6. Pencil sharpeners to be keep long pencils perfectly sharp and pointed at all times 
7. Little black books to list those for which retribution and vengeance will be carried out
8. Stiletto shoes and footwear with steel-toed caps
9. Walking sticks which double up as long cudgels 
10. Face mascara and paint to help create a mean, Machiavellian look
11. Toothpicks in case members prefer to write up their scorecards in Biro
12. Copies of a book on " The Perfect Murder " to be kept in view at all times 

As in the animal world protection used the weaker species often involves " fooling " the would-be-predators that attack might not be such a good idea. If club members appear able and willing to give as good as they get ,  then the rude obnoxious bullies inevitably back down. This approach has worked brilliantly here at Stourbridge : no incidents , no complaints. We only witness a bridge environment where mutual respect is the norm.

  

CARP GETS A REPLY.......

Dear Carp ,
I thoroughly endorse what you about zero tolerance policies, and the need to introduce instead a no-nonsense , " man up " ,  zero complaints policy.
In every other sport I know of competitors are expected to man up and show raw guts , courage and resolve , when opponents choose to behave in an aggressive and provocative way. No one says in football you can't foul or bad mouth the opponents. But there is a price to pay if you do , and that's how it should be. Players must learn to face the fear , and be content that wrongdoers will be punished. Indeed , psychological warfare is part and parcel of any competitive sport , and this often involves " psyching out " an opponent. Who in God's name has ever heard of a boxer being reprimanded for giving his opponent the evil eye or a threatening look ? 
However , having said all that there are many other " zero " policies which bridge clubs should introduce , and enforce with the proverbial iron fist inside a velvet glove. Policies which should all take precedence over zero tolerance :
1. Zero hesitations
2. Zero slow play
3. Zero bullying
4. Zero cheating in all its many and varied forms
5. Zero hypocrisy
6. Zero elitism
7. Zero nepotism
8. Zero favouritism
9. Zero false , incomplete or misleading bid explanations
10. Zero secrecy
11. Zero shenanigans
12. Zero incompetence
13. Zero gerrymandering
14. Zero abuse of power
15. Zero money wasting 
16. Zero conspiracies
17. Zero hidden agendas
18. Zero corruption
19. Zero witch hunts
20. Zero back-stabbing

The  toleration of these behaviours is pure insanity , and how can it be right to crack down on those who react badly to these unacceptable forms of behaviour. They have a right to forcibly respond and verbally attack such wrongdoings , and those who continue to look the other way and turn a blind eye. Moreover , it is my firm belief that by focusing attention on these " zero " policies , members'  anger , frustration and discontent would ebb away .....and with it the rage that brings on rudeness and bad mouthing.

HOW TO SURVIVE THE GAME OF BRIDGE.....( Article by Carp )

The rigours of bridge are both demanding and unrelenting . So we have two choices. One is to play bridge in clubs totally committed to zero tolerance policies , where members are forced into strait-jackets of conformity. This of course turns the playing area into a benign , sterile environment. The other option is to MAN UP the members , developing their immunity to fight off all the shit that might fly their way.
The latter approach is the one chosen by the committee of the Slaughter House bridge club. Indeed , lessons in manning up are given alongside beginner bridge lessons to help new members in particular to survive in hot bed of bridge arenas.  This reduces the number of complaints to zero ( in accordance with the club's zero complaints policy ) since unacceptable behaviour , rudeness , bullying and other forms of misconduct are all treated with a nonchalant pinch of salt. Members there take everything in their stride having chosen to man up instead of moaning. This culture change has been readily accepted by both men and women of all ages.
But what then does " manning up " involve. Well  Ronnie , the club's top man , has been gracious enough to provide the definitive answer :

1. Always be ready to strike the first blow
2. Get it firmly into your head that attack is the best form of defence
3. Never trust anyone, even your partner
4. Speak and act with real authority
5. Remember that " wimping " is for wimps
6. Adopt an air of invincibility 
7. Look down on idiots , numpties , slow players and cheats with venomous contempt
8. Never let incidents get to you ( because in the context of the universe ) everything is
    insignificant
9. Recognise the fact that events are never predestined : everything that happens is 
    determined by a hotch-potch of random events
10. In the face of adversity show true grit
11. Keep a knuckleduster close to hand
12. Stay fit and take up karate

KEY QUESTIONS ALL CLUB MEMBERS SHOULD ASK WHEN A NEW CHAIRMAN APPEARS ON THE SCENE ( HAVING HAD HIS/HER ARM TWISTED TO TAKE UP THE POST ).........An article by Carp inspired by the shenanigans going on in Unit 373 


1. Who is in whose pocket ?
2. Which way will he/she lean ?
3. What alliances have already been formed .....and with whom ?
4. What promises had to be kept by the chairman......and to whom ? 
5. What agenda will the new Chairman bring to the committee table ?
6. What checks and safeguards , if any , are present to stop any abuse of power ?
7. Whose voice(s) will he/she be listening to when wielding his/her new broom ?
8. How far will the chairman operate behind closed doors in defiance of the need for openness
    and transparency ?  
  

HEADLINES YOU ARE NEVER LIKELY TO SEE IN THE BIZARRE WORLD OF BRIDGE........( Article by Carp )

CHEATS TURN THEMSELVES IN AND HAND BACK ILLEGALLY WON TROPHIES

PROFESSIONAL RETURNS SPONSOR'S MONEY HAVING PLAYED SO POORLY

INCREASE IN PRIZE MONEY NOW ENABLES WINNERS TO RECOVER ENTRANCE FEES

NATIONAL SELECTORS PICK TEAM BASED PURELY ON MERIT AND ABILITY

WOMEN START TO OUT PERFORM MEN IN TOP CLASS COMPETITIONS

TOP FLIGHT PLAYERS REVERT BACK TO NATURAL BIDDING

COMMITTEES FULFILL THEIR OBLIGATIONS TO BE OPEN AND TRANSPARENT 

COMMITTEE MEMBER REFRAINS FROM VOTING AFTER DECLARING A CONFLICT
OF INTEREST

BRIDGE CLUBS DELUGED WITH APPLICATIONS FROM YOUNG PEOPLE DESPERATELY KEEN TO JOIN

ZERO TOLERANCE POLICIES ARE SCRAPPED IN A BOLD ATTEMPT TO RESTORE
LIFE , LAUGHTER AND EXCITEMENT BACK INTO THE GAME

COMMITTEE COCK-UPS : SHOULD " WE'RE ONLY AMATEURS " BE ACCEPTED AS A VALID EXCUSE ?

This is not an easy question to answer. Certainly in most social clubs committees are made up of willing volunteers , keen to serve the club in the best way they can. The fact is that any club member who wishes to stand for committee will quickly find him/herself on committee , given the absence of competition for places. Members often get elected unopposed , even for key posts , and so there is a real likelihood that people with no experience of running an organisation will end up taking on management responsibilities for which they are clearly ill-suited.
In small clubs committees are largely made up of amateurs, although long serving officers may have acquired the necessary guile and expertise to do a competent job.
However , in larger clubs many committees will be blessed with " professionals " in their ranks. These are people who have all the necessary management skills to undertake committee work in a highly effective and efficient way. Critical decision making , based on sound analysis and careful consideration , is what they are used to all their working lives. Accountants are ideal candidates to undertake the post of treasurer. Lawyers are perfect for the role of secretary, and retired chief executives would excel in the roles of chairman and vice-chairman. Bridge clubs , it should be noted , typically appeal to people who belong to the higher socio-economic grouping of upper middle-class individuals , boasting professional and managerial job status.
So when cock-ups occur , should such well-qualified committees be allowed to excuse themselves by claiming " we're only amateurs " ?  I think not. The standard of care , and degree of competence ,  expected of these high calibre people must be way above that of the man on the Clapham omnibus. Decisions they make should reflect sound business acumen. Their collective knowledge , skill and wisdom is so immense , they should not be making cock-ups in the first place , let alone resorting to limp excuses to deny any responsibility or blame. 
So if a committee , contrary to expectations , botch up a disciplinary process , by failing to follow their own Constitution rules , or adhere to rules of natural justice , they cannot excuse themselves on the grounds of " amateurism ".
What they can be guilty of is abuse of power , by believing they are a law unto themselves , and that private social clubs should be exempt . possibly , immune from any outside or judicial interference. It some instances this blinkered view reflects arrogance as opposed to ignorance. As one learned judge astutely pointed out " unfortunately there is always the hazard of the sheer ineptitude of honest and well meaning gentlemen with little or no training in legal matters , being asked to undertake the quasi-judicial functions involved in a club's disciplinary process ".