BRIDGE BOOKS THAT WILL REALLY BLOW YOUR MIND ....... ( So says a brain damaged Pun)

• Women Who Only Play With Each Other..............Les Bowes
• Why Are Last Month's Minutes Incomplete ? ........Paige Musson
• Up Your Game By Watching The Experts.............Luke N. Lerne
• Bridge Giants Ridicule Bigot As " Being Small "......Wendy Houseman
• Now He's Someone You Don't Mess Around With.....Anna Sassin
• How To Keep A Dead Pan Face...............................Beau Tocks
• Coming Fourth Wins You Bugger All......................Slim Pickens
• The Money Some Sponsors Have To Fork Out.....Arthur Grande
• He's Seen By Most Bridge Pros As A Rent Boy......Ben Withe-Alderman
• How To Finish Off Awkward Opponents..............Mo M. Downe

TELL TALE SIGNS PARTNER IS WAY PAST HIS BEST........ ( Article by Carp )

There always come a point in time when partner's mistakes seem to increase in frequency as well as importance. He isn't the player he used to be. He has become more of a liability than the asset. Someone you need get to rid of as soon as the very first signs of deterioration begin to surface. So here are the 2o tell tale signs you need to look out for , if you intend to spare yourself a lot of unnecessary heartache and grief :

1. Spends more time in the think tank drowning than he does thinking

2 Keeps closing and re-fanning his cards so as to remind himself what he was dealt

3. Seems incredibly happy with 50% boards

4. Keeps looking to simplify his convention card even more

5. Starts failing to alert

6. Looks up to the heavens for inspiration

7. Plays the cards more in hope than expectation

8. Breaths huge sighs of relief when steering home simple contracts

9. Insists on reverting back to high-low signals

10. Revokes on a suit he made an opening pre-empt in

11. Starts passing your splinter bids

12. Uses the "pass " card more and more

13. Mumbles " ip dip sky blue pip " whenever put to a choice

14. Leads out Aces for want of anything better

15. Substitutes magical thinking for logical deduction and reasoning

16. Stops asking opponents questions for fear of being confused by their answers

17. Always wants to be reminded which suit is trumps ( even when the contract is in no trumps ! )

18. Remembers more about hands he played 10 years ago than the one previous

19. Vision is now replace by blind faith and obedience

20. Talks about taking up teaching bridge to beginners

CRITICS

DUMB-

FOUNDED

AS BAD

BRIDGE

BECOMES

THE

WORLD'S

MOST

POPULAR

BRIDGE

MAGAZINE

........

NEWSFLASH : BRIDGE PLAYERS TO BE TESTED FOR DRUGS...............

Finally, five years after the drug taking scandal that occured during the 2006 World Bridge Championship, when a top USA player was stripped of her medal, the EBU has woken up to the idea that something needs to be done over here in the UK to combat the problem of performance enhancing drugs. Rumours are circulating around the clubs that a ruling is about to be made which requires TDs to carry out random drug tests on players, who score over 60% in all green pointed competition events. Any traces of these brain boosting drugs in the samples will result in the cheating dogs having to hand back the illegally obtained prize money, trophies, certificates and green points .

However, there has to be some concession in allowing players to use drugs designed to keep them from (a) falling asleep, (b) becoming depressed, (c) getting anxious and agitated, and (d) falling victim to memory loss and/or lapses in concentration......otherwise competition organisers would experience very serious problems indeed given the age and psychological profile of those participating.

Unconfirmed leaks from inside the EBU indicate that the Northern Congress , scheduled to take place at Slaughter House Bridge Club , might be the first to pilot this long overdue initiative to ensure the game stays clean. The club's owner and star player, Bigot-Johnson , was heard to comment : " What the bloody hell is the world coming to ? People only play bridge in these rural inbred-ridden backwaters for a bit of crack and the occasional trip out".

HOW TO POSE AS A BRIDGE CELEBRITY ( WHEN CLEARLY YOU'RE NOT ).......... Article by Carp

Sadly, there are many players who set about first deluding themselves before attempting to delude others about their newly acquired celebrity status. Clearly there are certain requirements to fulfil if one seeks to become a bogus bridge celebrity, as indicated below :

1. When involved in any bridge discussions you must always take the lead role, displaying both majesty and aplomb when holding court

2. Never willingly mix with the riff raff preferring instead to be seen regularly laughing and guffawing with the game's elite

3. Keep drawing attention to yourself by behaving in a bold, brash and bombastic way

4. Always turn up to important venues wearing a white tuxedo and red tie

5. Re-mortgage your house to raise sufficient funds to sponsor the country's top players

6. Always maintain a correct somber but superior air should others attempt to discredit you in any way

7. View skeptically anyone that asks you awkward questions

8. You must develop the patronising art of demeaning put downs and stinging remarks , using savage humour and colourful vocabulary to amuse your audience

9. If necessary generate a few scandals about yourself to combat a flagging celebrity profile

10. Once a year forego on sponsoring a world champion by offering to play with anybody, thereby enhancing your reputation and status as " the people's player "

11. Always carry with you photographs of yourself rubbing shoulders with real bridge celebrities

12. Create your own bridge magazine ( or blog ) packing it with references to yourself, your esteemed partners, and competition hands in which you didn't drop any clangers

EVERY PLAYER NOWS SEES " BAD BRIDGE " IN A NEW LIGHT .......... A DAMNING REFLECTION OF THEM- SELVES ..........

Yes folks, more and more readers are beginning to recognise and appreciate that Bad Bridge isn't one of those arty-farty bridge magazines just for those who love to see pictures of themselves, their names repeatedly mentioned in the up-to-date lists of competition winners, and big match hands written up by experts for experts .....oh no...they have come to appreciate that Bad Bridge is all about them....the rank and file, no- hopers, who litter their game with mistakes so grotesque they all qualify for Howlers Of The Year .

Indeed Bad Bridge describes a world of bridge they belong to.........a world they are familiar with......a world of mediocre riff raff with questionable ability and ethics.......a world that mirrors their sad experiences and limited understanding of the game.

So get out there and let your friends know about Bad Bridge.....hey, why not buy them a copy instead.....and help Bigot Johnson raise enough cash to sponsor an expert and gain selection to play for his country.

BAD

BRIDGE

REVIEWS

HIT

NEW

HEIGHTS

.........

........

IN

SINKING

TO NEW

LOWS

JOHNNY CAN'T BELIEVE HIS LUCK ...................

Johnny will always be the first to admit that good results can often be down to good luck rather than good play. Why just the other day he picked up a very tasty looking ...... AQJ109xx......Qxx.....QJx.....(void )

His partner ( bless him ) held : ....Kx.....A109876.....xx......AKx

The bidding was over in seconds (4S - 6S ) but Johnny soon discovered the gods were truly on his side, when his LHO plonked down the jack of hearts as the opening lead.

Johnny immediately went up the the Ace.....only to pitch his two remaining hearts on the A/K of clubs. At trick 4 the 10 of hearts was played from dummy, covered by his RHO's king, and ruffed in hand with the 10 of spades. Trumps were drawn in 2 rounds ending in dummy, and now all three of Johnny's losing diamonds were lobbed away on the established hearts. So 6S+1 earned him an outright top.

Mind you , when it comes to luck Johnny has an amazing habit to take full advantage of it , as he proved above.

What a man......what a player !

BIGOT FINDS ANOTHER RISING STAR......

Bigot's latest group of bridge students were proving to be real hard work , and he was beginning to lose the will to live. They seemed unable to see the wood from the trees . They seemed unable to form the big picture of any bridge hand , let alone recognise alternative and superior lines of play.

So as usual Bigot tried to introduce the concept of logical thinking, before introducing a simple problem which required a little more than a blinkered approach to solve. In a flash he picked up his chair and placed it on the desk . Then he asked the class " I want you to apply you've just learned in this room about logical and deductive thinking to prove to me that this chair does not exist ".

Thirty minutes passed by with all the students sitting there , staring at the chair , with blank expressions on their vacant faces......except for Bill who appeared rather agitated and up-tight.

" Well Bill......does your analysis as to why the chair does not exist have a logical element to it ? "

Bill leaned slightly back in his chair......thought for another second or two......closed his weary eyes ....and replied : " What bloody chair.....I don't see it at all "

Bigot at last had found his rising star.

So yes....... this behind the scenes look at yesterday's editorial meeting without Bigot-Johnson reveals a very disturbing picture indeed. So does this mean that you will never again be served up other veritable motherlodes of gut wrenching nonsense guaranteed to turn your previously active, supple smooth bridge minds into something resembling compost heaps ? Who can possibly tell. Because without the big man at the helm to motivate his team of writers to produce masterpieces of insulting gilt-ridden drivel loosely connected to bridge....then it seems only one option is being considered...... namely FILTH.....something that really would leave you completely speechless!

DR. SIGMUND T. SCHUKELGRUBER : BRIDGE POET LAUREATE

( This latest poem was inspired by the writing of Otis Redding, who was shocked and mortified over the way many bridge players bid and played the cards......... which was simply pitiful. Entitled " Mr. Pitiful " it sums up how hopeless and inept some players are at bridge.)

Call me Mr. Pitiful

Hey, that's my name

Call me Mr. Pitiful

That's the nature of my game

How can I explain to you

Just how poor I am

What reasons can there be

For binning every slam

Call me Mr. Pitiful

I so deserve that name

Call me Mr. Pitiful

That's how I got my fame

What people don't understand

Is why my play's so bad

Maybe I'm just brain dead

Or maybe I'm just plain mad

Call me Mr. Pitiful

Cus baby that' my name

Call me Mr. Pitiful

Hey it's not funny being lame

I can't register the bidding

I play the cards like a dog

Problems are all beyond me

I live in a permanent fog

Call me Mr. Pitiful

It's such a sarky name

Others may have coined it

But I will take the blame

It really hurts to watch me

I haven't a bloody clue

To suggest I'm even average

Is miles from being true

Call me Mr. Pitiful

It really does sound right

You could spot me in a crowd

I'm that sad and wretched sight

Call me Mr. Pitiful

Trust me I don't mind

It's not as though I'm on my own

There are hundreds of my kind

LOSING OUT ON A TROPHY IN THE TWINKLING OF AN EYE....... ( A really true story by Bridgemeister Gibson )

A few years ago in a swiss pairs club event I was partnering one of the club's top players. He had the ability to analyse things in seconds, always several steps ahead of his opponents .....not to mention me of course ! His sharp rapier like mind enabled him to play difficult contracts at breakneck speed steering them home securing one top after another.

As it happened we both rated our chances to pick up this trophy for a third time, and early round results certainly went our way. Not surprisingly we ended up on table 1 to play the last round. The only other contenders for the trophy were our table opponents, who we felt confident about beating.

However, the cards did not favour us at all with our opponents getting all the points. So tight defence became our priority and the result of this match depended very much on how well they bid and played the cards. Then came the trophy deciding board......with our opponents both picking up two very good hands. The bidding quickly reached 7NT..... a contract that was certainly not be reached on every table. However, making all 13 tricks came down to picking up the missing queen of clubs, with a two-way finesse available.

Declarer delayed the club suit right to the very end in an attempt to get a complete count on the other suits. With no unusual suit splits to help him, it ultimately came down to a guess. He held K109 with AJx in dummy.

So after much thought, he played the 10 towards dummy. Playing in tempo I played low whereupon he called for the jack. Partner it seemed couldn't stop his eyes lighting up with glee , and this giveaway was clearly picked up by the alert declarer. Within a nano-second he changed the call to the Ace.......well before dummy's hand had reached for a card. Then of course came the killing finesse of my partner's queen. So declarer ended up with a thumping mega top for this board, utterly assured of a last round victory, and of course the trophy.

And so there you have it.... how to lose out on a sought after piece of silverware IN THE TWINKLING OF AN EYE !

PORN PUBLISHERS MAKE ANOTHER FORAY INTO THE BRIDGE BOOK MARKET ......... ( Exciting new titles exposed by Pun )

• I Have Found The Perfect Partner....................Ariel Gower
• Surely To God I'm Gonna Score Big One Day.....Hope E. Turnell

• Bridge Often Makes Me Morose.........................Ann Moody

• Partner, Trust Me I'm Nearly There !.................Maureen Thanhout
• Partner, Everything Is Just Fine Now................Percy Welling
• Any Other Requests Partner ?...........................Tad Morecock
• Sorry Partner, I Rushed That............................Aleisha Kame
• I Get Dumped On By All Kinds Of Players..............Cess Pitt
• Is Bridge Really Going To The Dogs ?.................Otis Trueman
• Bridge Has Destroyed Me As A Person..............Adam Shame

IN DEPTH

STUDIES CONCLUSIVELY

PROVE

THAT

READING

BAD BRIDGE

IS "BAD"

FOR YOUR

BRIDGE

.........

.........

WBF CLAIM

FALLING

STANDARDS

IN PLAY

OWE MUCH

TO THE

GROWING

NUMBERS

WHO HAVE

ALREADY

SUBSCRIBED

TO " BAD

BRIDGE "

...........

THE MAGAZINE

THAT SPEAKS

THE TRUTH

LAW REPORT : R v. BIGOT-JOHNSON (2011 )

( A few months ago a rather unusual case came before Doncaster Crown Court. Apparently, Bigot-Johnson had created a name for himself as the discredited creator and editor of the infamous " Bad Bridge " magazine, which spewed out the most scurrilous and scandalous garbage ever to sully and disgrace the squeaky clean world of bridge literature. The WBF was desperate to have him prosecuted for criminal libel, obscenity and blasphemy, but the Crown Prosecution Service had other ideas : they decided to charge with theft. Bigot of course elected to defend himself. A short extract from the trial's transcript appears below. )

Prosecution counsel ( PC ) : You Bigot have been charged with theft ....

B-J : Preposterous.........I've not taken anything out of my wife's purse for ages

PC : Well...I'm not referring to the theft of money but to something that was of immense value to the Federation of World Bridge......the good name and reputation of the game as a whole

B-J : Clap trap.... every one knows all about the dodgy antics, rows, and cheating practices that go on at the table ...... therefore, to claim that bridge players are all sane, normal, rather sporting, decent-minded folk is pure utter nonsense .....the figment of one's fertile imagination

PC : You Bigot are so wrong.........but first, let me remind you of what the definition of theft is ...... quote " dishonestly appropriating property belonging to another with the intention to permanently deprive "

B-J : Yes...yes...I know all that....I've been done on enough theft charges to know my way around this area of the law

PC : So tell me Bigot.....did you take any care at all to ensure that content of these shameful magazines was true ?

B-J : Good Lord no....I hadn't the time or the inclination to check out the truth. Anyway poetic licence allows me to bend the facts a little, to deviate here and there, to embellish a few things, and to slip in a few inaccuracies. So yes....... you could say the truth was compromised a bit here and there...

P : You lied.....in other words

B-J : No...it's more correct to say I'm guilty of packing the magazines with half-truths and hyperboles

P : Yes...classic examples of dishonest practice.... because what you clearly set out to do was wrong ..... you were using the Bad Bridge magazines with all its dishonest content to deprive the WBF of running a game which has a good name.... why.....the title of the magazine says it all...... but please let's now move onto appropriation , which simply means " taking " or " acquiring by default ". What your nefarious magazines set out to achieve was the relentless piss-taking " of certain stereo-typical players by means of outrageous parodies , and lampooning articles. Moreover, by taking the piss you were also taking from the WBF the game's hard earned reputation and goodwill, which by any accounting standards represent very valuable ( albeit intangible ) assets. Any loss of the game's good name would result in a serious financial loss.....not only to the WBF but to every bridge club all over the world . Not only would clubs struggle to keep their members, but the prospects of finding new members would be irreparably damaged

B-J : Oh....

PC : And without doubt, the loss or deprivation of this intangible property, which clearly belongs to the world's governing body ....... having been built up over the years by its dedicated, hard working officers........ was all down to you and your destructive magazines.

B-J : Oh....

PC : And finally your actions clearly indicate an intention to permanently deprive the WBF of its most valuable property. You see.....once the game loses its good name and reputation it takes years to rebuild it. The game of bridge is now ..... to all accounts and purposes ......regarded as a joke...... a label which you set out to achieve in your Bad Bridge magazines......very successfully

B-J : Thank you.....your veiled compliment does you a real disservice...........because all I'm trying to do with my spoof magazine is to expose everything that is wrong with the game of bridge today......to embarrass the wrongdoers into cleaning up their acts , and thereby restore the game's reputation as the best game in the world.......

PC: Well, sadly for you it has had the opposite effect..... it has only encouraged and promoted bad practice....which in turn has deprived the game of its once glorious reputation

B-J : Oh....

Judge : I've heard enough ....and so as the jury by the look on their distraught, pain-racked faces...... for there is no doubt in my mind Bigot, that everything about these magazines is dishonest and corrupt....even down to the fact you advocate on the front covers that the game is strictly for players who couldn't care less....and so I shall be directing the jury to find you guilty...

B-J : My God !.....this is what I call a stitch up...

Judge : That's how it may seam to you.....but you need to cotton on to the fact that no one in this courtroom likes you..... and the very idea of you and I seeing eye to eye with each other is as likely as me finding £40,000 on my doormat when I get home........because right from the outset you've needled me.....and there comes a point when foul mouthed villains like you need to be severely punished....

B-J : So would a promise of a £40,000 cheque in the post help bring about a change of mind ?

Judge : No

B-J : Bugger....

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG....................

Dear Rebecca ,

There are times when I just can't believe what goes on at the bridge table. Why...just the other night I was in a delicate 6S, which no one else in the room got close to bidding.

This was a contract that would require all my skill and cunning to steer home, especially when my LHO tried to get away with the most outrageous bit of cheating, I have ever come across.

One objective of mine was to make sure I had no losers in diamonds, with Axxx in dummy opposite my QJ. So when I played my queen I couldn't help but notice my LHO fidgeting like crazy, umming and arring, touching one card and then another, hesitating some more, going back into the tank for a second opinion, pondering again, before playing his singleton 6 !!

Despite looking like a man cursed with the King, I hopped up with the Ace immediately, and by reading the cards like a true expert, I was able to set up a side suit winner in clubs to park my losing diamond on. The contract came in. But boy was I mad ......cheating like that really sickens me.

Mind you, I was very thankful that earlier on I had managed to get a good look at his hand to know what that cheating bastard was up to.

Yours P. King-Paiswell

..

..

Dear PKP,

For once......I'm speeechless

Yours Rebecca

THE GREAT

NEW

MAGAZINE

THAT THE

BRIDGE

GOVERNING

BODIES ARE

TRYING TO

CRACK

DOWN ON

..........

( Obtaining back issues

is proving to be a sticky

problem, but they can

be delivered in no time at all by

parcel post , when ordering

from Rectum Logistics @

straininghard. com )

MORE BRIDGE BOOKS TO TITILLATE YOUR FANCY .......... ( Or so says Pun )

• I Hate Players Who Do Nothing But Brag .................Fuller Crapp
• Card Technique That Will Blow You Away................Gail Forswynd
• How Did I Make That Contract ?...............................Alex Blaine Laytor
• Partnering That Egit Has Got Her Nowhere...............Helda Beck
• I Done Enough Shafting For Today, Partner..............Dick Aitkin
• Learn To Play Fast....................................................Ann Luce
• What ! Your Partner's Gone Walkabout Again..........Alf Hinder
• They Weren't Bridgemates That Just Whizzed By.......U. F. Hose
• Slow Bridge Players Can Be Really Stubborn..............Asa Moole
• Sorry Partner, I've Got To Go Outside........................Mustapha Fagg

WHAT IS IT WITH SOME BEGINNERS ?........... ( Article by Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber )

Some people take up bridge who really shouldn't. Even as beginners they display all the characteristics and traits of a complete numpty. These dullards seem unable to follow simple rules. In fact they are often guilty of the three biggest sins going :

1. No understanding whatsoever of the rule in question

2. Unable to fully comprehend the rule, they simply arrive at a complete misunderstanding of it

3. An ability only to take a rule literally, without applying any common sense, logic and reason

Indeed, it is the last one which causes so much hilarity, amusement and sheer disbelief at the table , as these following classic short stories clearly demonstrate. These incidents of blind allegiance to the literal interpretation of a rule have become an essential part of bridge humour.

So do you remember the story about the player who .....

- led 8 from 98 doubleton because he vaguely remembered his teacher saying " 8 ever, 9 never "

- passed on hands with 13-19 points simply because his partner told him he needed 12 to open

- led 9 from k9652 because he forgot which end to play his 4th highest from

- decided to arrange his hand ( not in suits ) but in rank order so he could easily pick out his 4th highest

- in a competitive auction catapulted his partner to the 6 level on a supporting doubleton , having been told to bid to the level of the fit ( 4 plus 2 = 6 )

- when defending against 6 NT led small from AKxx, having been told to lead 4 th highest against no trumps if there was nothing else to go on

- when defending against a 4S contract with AKQx in diamonds allowed declarer's jack of diamonds to hold , claiming afterwards that her teacher had recommended that the player in second position should always play low

- after being reprimanded by partner for passing out when holding a 5 loser hand, calmly replied " well, my 5 losers opposite your 7 sure totalled a lot of losers ! "

- when holding a 3-1-7-2 distribution bid 1H, followed by 2C, 3S and 7D, only to rigorously defend herself, claiming that her teacher had said that the aim of bidding was to show suit length and distribution

SPECIAL FEATURE ARTICLE : " TOXIC TED " BATEMAN DECIDES TO SETTLE THE ISSUE ON WHETHER MEN ARE BETTER PLAYERS THAN WOMEN FOR ONCE AND FOR ALL........

There's no bladdy way of escaping the fact that women bridge players come from Venus, whereas men come from Mars. Now I am not going be accused of being a sexist, male chauvinistic, woman-hating bigot.....oh no.....I'm not that stupid. So no way am I going to say that women play less well than men. Nor I am going to say that men are more intelligent. All I will say is that the way that men and women approach the game is DIFFERENT.

So I ask myself what is the best way to sum up this different approach ? But hey there .... to do that is no sodding walk in the park......especially if I am obliged to stay within the bounds of decency ! Nevertheless , if I am pressed to make a simple summary, it comes down to one thing. the difference between men and women is that most women play rigidly to an agreed system, and are never willing to deviate or to use vision. Moreover they are ardent disciples of the losing trick count, fearful of ever being doubled, always choosing to bid and play the cards according to standard text book theory, and the way they have been taught.

So allow me to translates this at its most basic level. One classic example, is that women will never open 1NT on a good 11 count, if the system card says 12-14. The fact that an 11 pointer offers far more trick potential than a woeful 12 count is bladdy irrelevant......they cannot bring themselves to lie to partner.

This inflexible, rigid, wooden approach and adherence to their system cards always enables the men to profit by their honesty. Given that this honesty may well help them stay clear of trouble.......such virtue never gives them any tops. Men are much more prepared to speculate to accumulate. They will take chances, bid to the limit, improvise, and be far more creative ..........and by pushing their luck they make their own luck. Men are prepared to take swings....and I don't bladdy mean at each other.....risking a bottom to create a chance out of nothing for a top. Hell, what the devil is wrong with making imaginative, off-centre, deviations and psyches.......when the real beauty of the game comes from pulling off a multitude of deceptive bids and plays.

And because men are risk takers they have developed a better sense of anticipating danger. Risk calculations , involving the weighing up all possible gains against all possible losses , is a skill rarely practised or developed by women. Yet this is a skill which transfers itself across (from the bidding ) to every other facet of the game : choice of opening leads, avoiding end-plays, breaking up squeezes, severing communications, and so on. Too many women put safety as their number one priority, which simply translates into playing for an average !

Women play like they drive a sodding car. Never reckless, occasionally careless but always correct and staid with both hands firmly on the steering wheel. Insurance companies love them. Not surprising then to see their score cards packed full of 50% boards, with never enough tops to cancel out the bottoms, which they inevitably pick up from being too honest and too timid in the bidding. Match winning cards often come from those with 16 tops opposite 8 complete bottoms for a 67% score.

So there you have it....women by choosing to play down the middle end up as 50%-ers , forever taking up the middle positions in the field. And what's more..... results statistics bladdy well prove it !

DR JOHN : ZEN AND THE ART OF LOSING AT BRIDGE

Far too many bridge players can't cope with the shame and stigma of losing at bridge. They allow their wretched performances to plunge them into deep despair. Their inability to win makes them feel down, depressed, dispirited, distraught, destitute and devastated. They let each losing experience eat away at their dwindling self-esteem, self-confidence and self-belief. But the question I chose to ask is this ....... what the hell is wrong with losing ?

As I see it , there are so many positives to losing, as revealed in my new book " Zen And The Art Of Losing At Bridge ". My thought provoking and inspiring masterpiece can't help but help remove all the destructive self-doubt and self-loathing that comes with being a born loser. Each chapter is packed full of articles, all of which offer the reader useful guidance and advice..........as these snippets from the book clearly prove :

- Never see yourself as a loser, but more as a big player ( an essential fall guy or lamb to the slaughter ) in the grand scheme of things

- Believe in the mantra that going into losing battle, only to be carved up by your opponents, is indeed an act of stunning bravery

- It pays to go down smiling

- There's nothing wrong with being a loser since you're bound to become one of the crowd

- If losers are by definition non-winners, then the statistical reality is this : in a field of a 100 , it's 99% certain you will be a loser ( irrespective of how bad you are at the game )

-Never beat yourself up about losing : it can be much more fun beating up partner instead

- Rationalise how wasting 20 hours a week for umpteen years on losing bridge has become an integral part of your self-actualisation

- Learn mind-relaxation techniques , which are essential when partner bids and plays like a moron

- Learn how to develop an extremely thick skin so as to protect your fragile ego

- How to reconcile your passion for losing bridge with reneging on your family commitments

- View your 40% as 40/40 on the boards which were the only ones that mattered to you

- Learn to live with the fact that if you consistently lose , God doesn't like you

- Redefine yourself as a " might-have-been-winner" who never had an even break

- Rejoice more when you lose badly , in that no one will ever accuse you of cheating

- Master the art of blame transference and free yourself of all guilt

- Learn instant meditation techniques to suppress any lurking desires to engage in self-recrimination and self-abuse

THE MAGAZINE

WHICH

BRIDGE

PLAYERS

ALL

AROUND

THE

WORLD

CAN'T WAIT

TO GET

THEIR

HANDS ON

............

A SHOCKING BUT TRUE STORY FROM THE TWILIGHT ZONE......... By Bridgemeister Gibson

If anything sums up why zero tolerance is a necessary sledge hammer response to tackling bad behaviour then this story does just that.

I was at the club yesterday when a lovely lady related to me an incident which took place at her table at a weekend congress. The behaviour of her two opponents simply begggared belief, because at the end of the round frustration and anger got the better of both of them. What ensued was a shameful outburst of foul mouthed language and abuse. The TD was called over immediately, and a complaint was made about their shameful conduct.

They were both warned that this type of disgusting behaviour must not be repeated, and that swearing at ones' opponents was not acceptable in any circumstances. Furthermore there was going to be a penalty involving the deduction of green points.

On hearing this one of culprits looked aghast and clearly upset about this ruling, clearly intent on mounting a stern defence.

" You sir have got it all wrong.....we were not swearing at them.....we were just bad mouthing each other ! "

Clearly, in their warped and twisted minds........ that made it perfectly all right.

BRIDGE BOOKS AS RECOMMENDED BY " TOXIC TED " BATEMAN ......... ( And unbelievably endorsed by Pun )

• Partner, I've Completely Lost It ! ....................Wilma Fingadoo
• I've Made No Progress At Bridge Whatsoever.....Stella Pratt
• I Just Can't Compete With The Big Boys...........Mike Oxlittle
• What Did That Opponent Do To You ? .............Enoch Mehover
• Some Players Can Turn Really Nasty ?.............Jacquelyn Hyde
• When Defending 3 NT Contracts......................Leda Spade
• I Knew That Trophy Had Our Names On It.......Des Tinney
• Look What I've Gone And Done With My Pencil....Pierce Miskin
• I Have Never Let A Partner Down Yet.............Bjorn Wiffabiggun
• Women At This Club Are Very Welcoming.......Humphrey Lee

DR . JOHN'S CASE NOTES : SAME SEAT SYNDROME ( A CLASSIC SEPARATION ANXIETY DISORDER )

Sadly, there are a few bridge players who have developed a disturbing habit of arriving at their club before everyone else, simply to secure a particular seat and a particular table. Some psycho-analysts see this fixed mind set to occupy the same seat week in week out as a basic territorial instinct. By announcing the seat " as theirs ", they can assert their claim to rightful possession, thereby establishing ownership rights in a relatively short period of time . Thankfully, the prospect of having to turf out strays and trespassers is extremely remote, given that they move hell and high water to be first person sitting down .

Nevertheless, although this theory does have its merits, players diagnosed with the same seat syndrome all share one thing in common. They suffer from acute separation anxiety, which can be traced back to their early childhood.

This disorder probably started when they were new born babies, when they became very attached to their mothers and/or soft cuddly blankets. Separation from these safe, warm, protective comforters would have caused great alarm. Victims would then carry on in this vein, unable to bear or cope with separation from familiar faces and objects, no matter how brief the time period involved. Unable to break this craving for repetition, routine and adherence to rules, they would drift into adulthood desperate to seek out new permanent attachments, such as regular bridge partners, corner tables, and room facing seats.

In every bridge club, you will always find them partnering the same people, occupying the same seat, at the same table. Even if their partners are numpties at the game, the need to feel safe ( with them ) is what matters. To get at the club early to secure the same parking place and table seat will always be their two main objectives for the night. Should someone else arrive before them and " steal" their chair, then victims will experience " seatsickness " almost immediately , desperate to re-claim what has been taken. If however the situation is not resolved quickly, then the victim's anxiety levels will go through the roof, often leading to life threatening physiological symptoms , such as heart palpitations.

However, other symptoms of the same seat syndrome might well include :

- an unrealistic, preoccupying worry about (a) leaving their seat in case another player on another table chooses to swap seats over, and (b) the club committee voting to spend money on new seats or changing the layout and arrangement of the tables

- a persistent refusal to consider sitting at another table, in an opposite direction, in an unfamiliar and unwelcome seat

- excessive, recurrent distress ( as shown by anxiety, crying, tantrums, misery, apathy, or social withdrawal ) if made to move to another table by the TD, who is attempting to accommodate a last minute change to the movement

Unfortunately, since this syndrome is so ingrained into their psyches, nothing can be done to treat or cure these inadequate, whinging, territorially-minded, cry babies. Clearly, their strict routines will never allow them to even consider an out-of-the-way visit for unconventional treatment at my surgery.

THE ART OF WRITING A GOOD LETTER OF COMPLAINT ( REVISITED )

..........

Howard Bigot-Johnson's very first article but now revamped and rewritten by the one and only "Toxic Ted " Bateman

.........

Believe you me belonging to a bridge club is no bloody picnic. There will be members who can not help but cause you grief . They will rile you to such an extent you will be obliged to put pen to paper to express your grievances and demands, hoping those in authority will listen, and respond accordingly......... implementing your wishes with ruthless efficiency. Without doubt, voicing your complaints in writing is an art : letters need to be polite but highly vitriolic. Personal satisfaction not only comes from the drafting, but more so when a successful outcome has been achieved . So if you are the type who loves to complain, whenever miffed or frustrated by others, then the following guidelines should help you to excel at this most rewarding pastime.

1. Always have a bee in your bonnet. This ensures your observational prowess remains on full alert.

2. Use even the smallest pretext to maintain a flow of griping correspondence. Even if someone says or does anything that causes you the slightest harm, you must put pen to paper immediately, while your memory is still fresh ( and your blood is still boiling ).

3. Always overstate the pain, anguish and grief an incident has caused you, and use your imagination to speculate on the mean and nasty motives of the alleged wrongdoers.

4. Remember to number your complaint letters. This will enable easy cross-referencing with all previous ones. Often this will enable you to establish proof of any persecution campaigns you believe have been targeted against you, either by individuals or gangs.

5. Never be afraid to name names, or get really personal.

6. If a complaint involves someone you particularly dislike always go for the jugular.

7. Never write a short, concise, fair and balanced letter of complaint. Pack it full of prejudice and bias.

8. Endeavour to write reams of diatribe , which allow you to deliver an endless stream of belligerent rants and accusations.

9. Develop and maintain a dossier of all past incidents and events, so you are able to link several to a particular individual in a " collective " condemnation. This adds real body and substance to current letter of complaint about to go in with regards to this serial wrongdoer.

10. Always keep your language colourful , using well chosen metaphors, alliteration and hyperboles for dramatic effect.

( If anyone finds this article offensive in any way, then I suggest you write a letter of complaint to my home address. Please feel free to utilise any of the advice given above. However, the only assurance I can give you is that all correspondence of this nature will be dealt with in the same highly professional way...... which means going directly into my shredder ! )

A TIME FOR

REFLECTION

.....

SO HERE ARE

A FEW WORDS

FROM

THIS BLOG'S

AMAZING

CREATOR

HOWARD

BIGOT-

JOHNSON

.......

Yes , it's been 25 months since

the first post appeared on this

blog , and in response to the hundreds of abusive e-mails slagging me off good and proper..........for failing to provide anything that had substance, relevance, style and appeal.........I think I've come up trumps this time for sure .......... with a post guaranteed to confound and silence my critics.

Indeed, this announcement coincides with the arrival of my new partner ( see above ).......and boy has she gone down a bomb at the Slaughter House Bridge Club. Attendance figures have soared and table money has tripled. So even if she has the bridge nous of a brain damaged gerbil she is an absolute delight to play with. Not only that opponents are so entranced by her beauty and scantily clad outfits, they are completely unable to focus on their game , and even allowing for my frequent lapses of concentration my scores never dip below 69 %.

Anyway, in order to celebrate this momentous occasion I have decided to give to the bridge world my finest idea yet. As you well know , clubs only look to honour and reward winners.......so I ask you..... what is out there for the perennial losers and useless woodentops ? What awards and trophies do they walk off with at the AGM's prize giving ceremony ? Sweet Fanny Adams is the answer.......but not now......if clubs heed my advice and create the following prestigious awards :

- THE HOISTING ON ONE'S OWN PETARD award for the player who sets a trap for his opponents only fall victim to it himself

- NINE TIMES LOSER award for a player who has recorded 9 or more consecutive scores below 45 %

- WRONG TIMING, WRONG LINE trophy for the numb skull who not only initiates an inferior line of play but also manages to get the timing completely wrong

- THE CONSOLIDATED IGNORANCE award for the brainless baboon whose only ability at the game is to follow suit correctly

- ELEMENTARY MISTAKE award which goes to an established player guilty of making an error so awful it would have even embarrassed and shamed a beginner

- PISSING INTO THE WIND trophy for the fool who likes to compete against top class experts ( vulnerable against not ) on utter filth

- THE LEMMINGS trophy for the player who habitually commits suicide every time he gets carried away in a competitive auction

- THE DUMBEST BID award for the idiot who , by deciding to bid one more time , turns a galactic top into a gut-wrenching bottom

- THE DUMBEST OPENING LEAD award for the bozo who picked the only card from his 13 to hand the opponents a grand slam, having failed to glean anything useful, or glaringly obvious , from the bidding

- THE DUMBEST DOUBLE award for the arrogant " trust-me-I-know-to-play-bridge " prat, who recklessly converts an opponent's modest part-score into a vulnerable game score...... with overtricks !