THE NORTHERN PRO REVEALS THE RATIONALE BEHIND HIS INCREDIBLY BRILLIANT BIDDING SYSTEM.......

NORTHERN PRO FACES UP TO AN ALARMING REALISATION...............

- Northern Pro ......why are you looking so worried ?  Is it because our scores are 
  too woeful to even talk about ?
- Partner , can't you see what's going on around here ? I'm the last of the 2 percenters. All
  the others have gone.........and I might be next
- But who are these 2 percenters ?
- Members who the chairman of old declared as the enemy in the camp. Members who 
  openly objected to the decisions being made by the committee. Members who needed 
  to be disciplined and removed. Members who left because no one was willing to hear
  or accept unpalatable truths.
- So how come you're still here ?
- By keeping a low profile and pretending to be everyone's friend
- Smart thinking
- Yes.....just the same thinking that was involved in the development of my incredibly
   brilliant bidding system
-  Of course......I should have guessed that....

NORTHERN PRO STEADFASTLY REFUSES TO ACCEPT ANY BLAME.............

- Northern Pro ....that minus 1100 on the last board was shocking
- Listen muppet-head I had to sacrifice in 5C since the opponents went to game in 4S
- But you triggered them into bidding by opening 1C in fourth position ! 
- Might I point out that my incredibly brilliant bidding system and hand valuation methods 
  warranted an opening bid......so let's look at the hand analysis sheet to see what the experts
  say
- Well....it says here.... " This hand should be passed out .....a guaranteed death trap for 
   whoever ends up as declarer "
- Oh.........but hold on.....why didn't you stop me bidding 5C by doubling them in 4S ?
- Sorry to remind you Northern Pro .....I did double them in 4S .....as well as doubling them 
   in 3S....both times for penalties
- Ah...but you failed to plant the double card on the table with sufficient force so as to get  
  the message across
- So am I to blame for this catastrophe ?
- Who else ....

NORTHERN PRO REJECTS THE EVERY DARK CLOUD HAS A SILVER LINING NONSENSE.....

- Partner........have you seen our score ?
- Indeed I have......it's bloody awful
- It's worst than awful ....it's an unmitigated disaster
- Yes....and it doesn't help you to establish your incredibly brilliant bidding system as one
   for the future
- No it doesn't
- Well , Northern Pro....why not try to see things my way and look on the bright side 
- What bright side ?
- The fact it hasn't damaged our average one iota
-  Partner ....how much do you value your life?

THE NORTHERN PRO GETS CONFRONTED AGAIN .......

-Northern Pro ……what is this National

 Grading System all about ?

-It’s a way of measuring your current

 performance taking into account the

 strength of your partners, and the

 quality of the field you were playing

 against

-Amazing……so how come I’m ranked

 as a QUEEN while you’re classed only

 as a NINE

-Listening muppet-head……I’m sacrificing

 my status by partnering inept and useless

 bunnies….who fail to grasp ….like you…..

 the finer points of my incredibly brilliant

 bidding system                                                               

-Oh…..the very same players… who when

 playing simple ACOL with me get some 

 cracking good scores…..now what does

 that tell us ?                                                                           

-Partner….have you any idea what it’s

 like to have your tongue ripped out…

 and your head beaten to a pulp with a

 hammer ?

-No…..

-Well…..I suggest you shut up and respect

 the fact that the game is not about results

 but more about the way my exquisitely crafted 

 and beautifully abstract bidding sequences

 involve countless alerts with overly complex                                                     

 explanations

THE NORTHERN PRO EXPLAINS TO PARTNER
WHERE HIS PROBLEMS LIE..........

NORTHERN PRO PUTS HIS PARTNER STRAIGHT.....

- Northern Pro .......WE WON......WE WON......and for once I never put a foot wrong
- Partner ! ......Might I point out that we only defended three contracts....and on each of those 
  occasions all you had to do was follow suit........which I might add you managed quite well   
- Yes.....yes......but what about my bidding and declarer play ?
- Partner !....Can I point out to you that I punted and played all the game contracts...and hogged 
  most of the bidding on the part-scores. And as I recall....... I allowed you to be declarer when it
  was obvious the hands were going to be flat boards..... being bog standard easy-to-play lay
  downs 
- Oh .....so it seems then..... I hardly made any contribution at all to our resounding success this
  evening ?
- The word is negligible ....N...E...G...L...I...G....I...B...L....E......such was the extent of my
   magnificence , visionary bidding and inspired play
- Northern Pro ......as a humble and inept partner...... I stand here in absolute awe of your 
  greatness and genius   

NORTHERN PRO'S INCREDIBLY BRILLIANT SYSTEM COMES UNDER FURTHER SCRUTINY.........

NORTHERN PRO'S PATIENCE IS SEVERELY TESTED.....

THE NORTHERN PRO KEEPS ON TINKERING WITH HIS INCREDIBLY BRILLIANT BIDDING SYSTEM......

THE NORTHERN PRO COMES CLEAN......

THE NORTHERN PRO IS NOT AMUSED........











                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

( Footnote : On a low spade lead , declarer can pick up 3 spades on finesses, and cash AK in both minor suits leaving himself in hand. Down to the critical 6 card ending , he is able to cash his minor suit queens. West is squeezed in 3 suits and forced to pitch a heart. East gets squeezed in two suits and must also pitch a heart. This allows declarer to make all 4 of dummy's  hearts on a finesse. )  

THE NORTHERN PRO INSTRUCTS A RAW BEGINNER......

NP :  Bidding always takes place before any cards are played
RB :  Oh....and what is the purpose of the bidding ?
NP : Well... in order to compete in the auction , we use bids wherever possible to describe the shape , distribution and strength of our hands. This enables us to determine the best course of action to take towards the end
RB : So I take it you open the bidding with your longest suit ?
NP : Good Lord no.....that kind of bidding went out with the ark . You must make an opening bid that confirms your willingness  to compete but as yet says nothing about your best suit.....so YOU MUST ALERT 
RB : Oh I see....an alert card is needed to tell the opponents you've not bid a natural suit ....and therefore they are at liberty to inquire as to what it actually means
NP : Exactly ....and especially in the case where the alert bid has several alternative meanings
RB : So when I give an answer it demonstrates to you my knowledge of the system , filling you with reassurance and confidence at the same time
NP : Yes....exactly....correct explanations will keep the opponents guessing all the time , creating doubt and confusion in their minds 
RB : But how do I respond to an artificial opening bid then ?
NP : You make an artificial one of your own.... to which I must alert. In fact we keep alerting all our bids until we arrive at the final contract . Many of our bids will be inquiry bids , stepped responses showing point count , questions of our own , transfers , stop asking bids , plus a whole raft of other conventions and gadgets
RB : So a typical auction is one alert bid after another ?
NP : By George you've got it....it's all about shafting your opponents while secretly determining the best spot to play. 
RB : So one is forced to use deduction , logic , inferences and table presence ?
NP : Yes...
RB : Anything else ?
NP : Well , facial expressions , body language and finger signals and timed hesitates can be employed if need be
RB : But might we end up in the wrong contract ?
NP : On occasions yes....but that's all part of the game....you see it's more likely my system causes the opponents to end up in the wrong contract
RB : I like it ...so can you give me an example of how your system works ?
NP : I would love you...
.               1C  : Could be anything
                1D :  Partner I've got points too ( 10+ )
                2D  : I have a two-suiter , a major and a minor
                2NT : Asking bid . What is your short minor ?
                3C :  Clubs
                3S :  I have hearts  
                3NT : Well , I have spades
                4D :  I think partner with my diamonds and no clubs this is our best spot
So there you have it ......a brilliant auction arrived at without diamonds ever being shown in the earlier bidding
RB : Brilliant............. 

THE NORTHERN PRO FINALLY CONCEDES DEFEAT.....

Northern Pro : Why are you so glum ?
Partner : I can't take it anymore. Your system is doing my head in . It's best you find a new partner
Northern Pro : I wont hear of it. Christ man I think you and I are on the verge of taking on the bridge world big time. You see I've tweaked my incredibly brilliant bidding system in such a way as to guarantee success. You just need to give yourself more time to get the hang of it
Partner : I can't hack it.....I'm being forced to alert every bid you make never being in a position to explain exactly what it means. And all these damn changes and alterations you keep making leave me completely confused and befuddled. I'm at my wits' end as to how to respond when interference and barrage bids come raining in.
Northern Pro : You poor man....I never realised that you were experiencing so much difficulty and trouble in getting to grips with my system. I just had you down as having lapses .....the consequence of forgetfulness or lack of concentration 
Partner : I'm so sorry....but I was wrong to ever believe I could cope with such bidding complexities.....and for that reason It's best we part our ways
Northern Pro : I wont hear of it......we must forget about the past and face a new dawn together. Far better then to start off afresh with a back-to-basics system card
Partner : Yes....yes
Norther Pro : So opening bids are as follows.  One club shows a flat hand 12-14 with at least one 4 card major. This leaves the way to opening one no trump with either a flat 12-14 , denying a 4 card major , and if the suit is clubs then this could be five or more. One diamond ,heart , spade promises at least a 5-card suit......
Partner ( discretely wiping away tears of joy ) : Oh that's sounds so easy. So there will be no relay bids , stepped responses to show point count , and passing out protection bids on sod all points ?
Northern Pro : Correct
Partner : Just a few standard conventions and hardly any need to alert ?
Northern Pro : Correct
Partner : A system card that almost looks almost blank
Northern Pro : I should hope so
Partner : Well count me in...
Northern Pro : Yes.... I guess the time has come for this well-educated , supremely gifted bridge player.....who stands before you.....or should I say... above you.... to overlook the inferior brain power of those less intelligent than me....to come down from my lofty exulted position and perform my magic with just a few basic bidding tools. Yes...that's my destiny , my new great challenge ....and so I will call our basic simple system The Moronic Club.......and who know what the future will hold ?

( Footnote : Since that conversation The Northern Pro and his partner have scored 60% or better on every outing to date,  lifting their national grade rankings from 9 to that of a King. )

THE NORTHERN PRO : A VICTIM
OF SELF-DELUSIONS

THE NORTHERN PRO'S DREAM LIVES ON ( DESPITE A DOSE OF HARSH REALITY )

THE NORTHERN PRO OFFERS MORE
WORDS OF REASSURANCE............

THE NORTHERN PRO GETS THE ANSWER HE IS LOOKING FOR......

THE NORTHERN PRO EXPLAINS WHAT IT TAKES

TO BE AN EXPERT......

THE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF THE NORTHERN PRO CONTINUE UNABATED.......