A LOOK INTO THE FUTURE WHERE BRIDGE CLUBS ARE DYING BY THE THOUSANDS........ ( As depicted in a poem adapted from a Leonard Cohen classic ) 


The chairman called me over
She fumbled for my hand
" I want you to take my office
I'm giving you command "

" Command of what, there's no one left
There's only you and me
All the members are dead and gone
On that we can agree "

" Complain , complain ...that's all you've done
Ever since that awful cost
Of hefty sums on legal fees
For a case I'm afraid we lost "

" May Christ have mercy on you soul
Your actions were a sickening joke
This wretched episode destroyed our club
As valuable funds went up in smoke "

" I know that you have suffered more
But consider this for a while
Whatever makes an opponent sad
Always makes a declarer smile "

" Sorry but I'm leaving now
You need to surely understand
So get this into your tiny head
There's no point in making a stand 
There's no hope in members returning
They've all gone to pastures new
Everyone is into internet bridge
Where robots players are fair and true
My commitment to this club is done
You'll rally me no more
I don't even know what I'm doing here
What the club is  really for
I've spent far too long aboard this boat
Which has been leaking money fast
We are now in deep dark trouble
The die has been surely cast
I've read the recent AGM report
And most of it is grim if not black
There's no hope for any salvation
There's no chance of going back "

Now the chairman she was pleading
But I steadfastly refused the poisoned chalice
Why on earth would I take command
When my heart was racked with malice

YET ANOTHER GREAT LIMERICK BY THE POETIC GENIUS DR. SIGMUND T. SCHUKELGRUBER.........

Many players take on many roles 
Like for instance Bridge Bigot Bowles 
He knew more than all the rest
Even the experts even the best
This arrogant King of the know-alls

ANOTHER POETIC MASTERPIECE FROM DR. SIGMUND T. SCHUKELGRUBER  ENTITLED " BASHING PARTNER BLUES "......based on and inspired by Kristian Leontiou's brilliant and moving song The Years Move On


Sometimes my distress just passes you by
I'm never appreciated or admired
You build me up just to knock me down
I can never get up for being dead tired

I try so hard to do things right
I've always wanted to play a part
But your sniping remarks hurt so much
They break my spirit and my heart


And as the boards move on and on
I've yet to play the cards the way you do

I hear your whispers of discontent
Hurtful comments which make me weep  
It's my ego here you've ripped to shreds
Making demands of me I cannot keep

Why on earth do you keep me on
I find it hard to understand
Is partner bashing your only true love
Rubbing my eyes with salt and sand

And so the boards move on and on
I still haven't the courage to leave you

The price I pay for playing this game
Is having to cope with feeling blue
These verbal bashings I regularly get
Are simply for never knowing what to do

PLEASE TELL ME WHO THE HELL IS THE MAN IN THE LONG BLACK COAT ?

(  Well, according to Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber he is that an unforgiving , over-demanding , brutally cruel player ,   who unfortunately turns out to be your partner in a nightmare reality of an extremely tense , heated , emotionally charged,  competitive bridge arena. Inspired by Bob Dylan's classic song , the lyrics have been altered somewhat in order to profile and highlight the essential characteristics of " the man in the long black coat ". 

  

                                        "Man In The Long Black Coat"

Gossip mongers chirpin', the backstabbing’s high
There's a some poor bridge player hangin' dry
Window wide open whispering trees
Bent slightly forward from a soft gentle breeze
Not a word of warmth not even a note
Such was the coldness of the man in the long black coat.

Somebody seen him hangin' around
At other bridge clubs on the outskirts of town
              He looks so evil eyed , not one for foolin'       

        Should anyone challenge him over a ruling
Somebody said he often loved to gloat
   Such was the smugness of the man in the long black coat.

Preaching was his talking, the endless sermons he gave
                            Not to mention his passion to rant and to rave                                      All must heed his advice when he is their guide 

             They must never whinge or look dissatisfied            
It ain't easy to swallow , it sticks in the throat
Such was the blasphemous man in the long black coat.

           " There are no mistakes in my game " he would always say 
" It's an irrefutable truth ....people must see it that way
While other players simply fade and die , I just float
For the symbol of my greatness is my long black coat "   
                                                 

There's smoke on the horizon it's been there since June
Club members howling beneath the high crescent moon
Feel the pulse and vibration and the rumbling force
 As one after one tried to beat the dead horse
For when his insults were challenged they were always a joke
Such was the cunning of the man in the long black coat.

YET ANOTHER CATCHY LIMERICK FROM THE MIGHTY PEN OF DR. SIGMUND T. SCHUKELGRUBER......

There was an old lady from Gratton
Who always played bridge with her hat on
She never stopped bragging
She never stopped nagging
So partner clubbed her to death with his baton

LADY LUCK IS WHO YOU REALLY NEED AS A PARTNER ..... ( Article by Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber ) 

There's no getting away from the fact that luck plays a big part in being successful at the table. Even though good players make their own luck , they wont deny the fact that fortunate gifts from error-prone opponents will greatly help their cause. It is always a b;essing to play against weaker opponents on tricky hands , which gives them unlimited opportunities to make errors and to hand you easy tops. So when these numpties meet another crack pair , who along with the field bid a small slam in spades with only one trick to lose , taking their one trick with Ace of trumps poses no problems whatsoever to earn them a flat board.
So yes , I am a great believer in Lady Luck . So much so I have adapted the lyrics of a song ( of the same title ) in dedication to the partner I cherish the most .  This title track comes from the Cate Bros superb first album . which was released in the mid 1970's. 

Lady Luck wont you stay with me for a while
If my scores could improve then so would my smile
For if you were my friend
All my worries would end
Success could be mine displaying daring and style

You could make my life much brighter
You could make my dreams come true
You could make my burden seem lighter
As my guardian angel I'm counting on you

Lady Luck wont you stay with me for a while
For I'm a man without cunning , wisdom and guile
I need that gift of second sight
To make my decisions always right
Then success could be mine by a country mile


Lady Luck
I know so much about you
I can't win without you
Please stay with me
At least 
Just for a while

"  DON'T COURT DISASTER  "....... ( A short play by Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber especially written for patrons of the absurd )

Judge :  I must say that with the possible exception of party political leaders engaged in a TV podium debate , there is nothing like litigation to provide a theatre for the drama known as life
Counsel for the plaintiff : Oh ,  I thought this court case would equate more with a farce given the bizarre and unusual events which have led up to it. Punishing my client with a life ban for ripping up his scorecard , and then to deposit the tiny pieces on top of his partner's head , seems both disproportional and vindictive
Counsel for the defendants : My clients totally disagree. They subscribe to the view that a bridge club , like a church , constitutes a place of sanctuary. Consequently , a duty is placed on all its members who turn up to play not to commit any transgressions whatsoever. What the plaintiff did was an unforgivable sin ,  which merited punishment in keeping with a biblical stoning. 
Judge : As the appointed judge in this case I am deeply concerned about the costs you will both incur , and given the amount of money you have already spent on legal fees I am perplexed as to why you have failed to find a resolution to this dispute. Therefore I feel it necessary to offer you the opportunity here and now to go into the room next door , with your legal counsel , in one last ditch attempt effort to reconcile your differences and reach an amicable settlement 
Counsel for the plaintiff : My client is adamant it's all or nothing for him
Council for the defendants : My clients will not concede an inch. In their fixed and rigid minds even partial surrender is not an option.  It's death or glory for them
Judge : Nevertheless , you are all going into that room to discuss an out of court settlement , and to reasonably consider all the implications of a lengthy trial , in which each side could well be asked to meet their own costs

( At this point both counsel and their clients , as instructed , slouch off into the room to talk things over , but within ten minutes they were back before the judge )

Judge : So I take it then you have failed to settle this dispute ?
Counsel for the plaintiff : A correct observation indeed ,  your Honour 
Judge : How close were you ?
Counsel for the defendants : I'm afraid to say we were not in the same universe
Judge : So I am being held hostage to a lengthy trial simply because both your clients want their day in court simply to get an authoritative verdict over whether the expulsion was right or wrong. Yet the sad fact remains it is a fundamental cornerstone of our judicial system to be given the opportunity to go to court , when all other avenues for resolving the dispute have been explored and exhausted. However , if this has happened as a consequence of insanity prevailing over common sense , then I regard both parties as being cast as pantomime villains.......Ah well , let the show commence,,,,,,

MODERN POETRY AT ITS BEST......( A little masterpiece by Dr.Sigmund T. Schukelgruber entitled " I Know What You're Up To In Chesterfield " )

Prying eyes
Internet spies
Lots of peeping
Dossier keeping
You're out to tail me
You're out to nail me
You're out to flail me
Yes I know your names
I know your games
But no way will I yield
With truth as my shield
My dear Chesterfield
You see it's out of your reach 
To deny me.... 
Freedom of speech

PINBALL LOVE....... ( Written by Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber in 1976 before he fell in love with bridge )


Oh you long legged beauty
How your cute little roll-overs
Turn me on
Such magnificent bumpers
Such a wondrous playfield
With so many bonuses on offer
I'm bound to score
Yet...I must get the entry right
With an oh-so-careful release 
Of the plunger
And then
With the skilful touch
Of my fingertips
I can keep the action going
So what does it matter
If the play comes 
To a premature end
Via an exit lane
Because thankfully
I still have in my rack
A load more balls
To get that precious replay 

THE BALLAD OF A FADING BRIDGE STAR...... ( By Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber )

That first look in the mirror and what did I see
A rising young bridge star, a real prodigy
Mirrors don't lie, they are made out of glass
But reflections do change when years come to pass

Now that I'm older and have mastered this game
Results remain good, always the same
A celebrity bridge star was the face staring back
A player of distinction who was on the right track

With time marching on , and years left but a few
The picture I see is both disturbing and true
A fast fading star, but that's how it goes
A faceless non-entity ....that nobody knows      

YOUR PARTNER 

 ( This wonderful three verse poem by Richard Arkell has been skillfully altered to reflect today's reality in the bizarre world of bridge. Verses 2 and 3 remain true to the original but verses 4 and 5 take the theme a stage further , in an attempt to remind players of the predicament they will find themselves in........ should they choose to partner those with a real attitude. )  


Partner arrives like a man with the flu 
Feeling ill at the prospect of partnering you 
He clearly loathes you from the start
But loves to land you in the cart


His face is grim , his soul is grey
He snorts at every card you play
And if you can't return his lead
He hates you very much indeed


He gets my nerves in such a state
By this relentless look of hate
Upon his thin, unfriendly face....
I always manage to trump his Ace


He's never forgiving and quick to blame
Claims you're a duck , useless and lame
He whinges and whines at every turn
Screaming out loud " don't you ever learn "


On every board you hear his moans
Along with insults full of acid tones
Yet when the agony ends , the future's still bleak
For you've just heard him say.........
" WE'RE DOWN FOR NEXT WEEK ! " 

EVERYBODY KNOWS ........
( A dirge of a  poem by Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber , which is based upon one of Leonard Cohen's greatest songs.  The theme is a condemnation of the widespread cheating that continues to undermine the beauty , purity and majesty of the game of bridge. )

Everybody knows that the battle's over

Everybody knows the good guys lost

Please someone stop this cheating 

Or we are all going to pay the cost

Everybody knows the results are false

Honesty and integrity exist no more

The bad guys now steal the glory

They know how to rig the score

That‘s how it goes

Everybody knows

Everybody knows the cheats are out there     

Everybody knows that they lie in wait

Abusing the rules to gain unfair advantage

Trapping their victims with poisonous bait                                                                                   They use all manner of dodgy signals

To their chosen partners-in-crime

Securing one unjust top after another

Board after board time after time

That’s how it goes

Everybody knows

Everybody knows cheats behave badly

Everybody knows that’s what they do

They work so hard at being dishonest

Ah… give or take the odd board or two

Everybody knows they have no scruples

Everybody knows they’re racked with sin                                                                                         For it's the results that matter most

When there are trophies still to win

That’s how it goes

Everybody knows

Everybody knows the game is poisoned

Everybody knows all hope has gone

The good guys are a fading minority

It’s the cheats who are in full song

Everybody knows the problem’s massive

Too many heads are stuck in the sand

Administrators turning the blind eye

Only rudeness gets a player banned

But that’s how it goes

Everybody knows

Everybody knows the game needs fixing

Everybody knows what needs to change
Banning slow play and  absurd bidding systems 
Getting rid of the cheats so clearly deranged

Everybody knows that bridge is in free fall
Its beauty ravaged , its image in tatters

The problem's so urgent and pressing

Restoring its virtues this is what matters

Everybody knows a revolution is needed

People out there must step up to the plate

Something must be done today or tomorrow

To delay any action it may be too late

But that's how it goes

Everybody knows

   

CULTURE CORNER........ ( A short poem by Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber entitled  " I Can't Stand " )


I can't stand cheats
I can't stand fools
I can't stand players
Who hide behind rules

I can't stand ditherers
And the painfully slow
Those who big egos
Who huff, puff and blow

I can't stand the whingers
Who just love to moan
And those who speak
In a condescending tone

I can't stand the bullies
Who put partners in fear
Constantly shouting
But unable to hear

I can't stand injustice
The undeserved loss
And partners who think
They are my boss


But to give up the game
NOT ON YOUR LIFE !
I'd rather die from a cut
From a razor sharp knife

CULTURE CORNER ......... ( Article by Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber )

I have always been a big fan of Canned Heat , and in particular Al " Blind Owl " Wilson. Here was a truly gifted bluesman , whose distinctive falsetto voice , great harmonica and guitar playing made him unique, and one of the all time greats.

Seen here with John Lee Hooker , the fact that he passed on at the age of 27 was a real tragedy and loss to the world of blues music.
One of my favourite tracks is a song entitled      " Time Was "  , the lyrics of which seemed far more apt for a broken partnership in bridge , than a romance going through its last rites.
With just the odd modification to the final verse let's immerse ourselves into the " blues " we so often associate with bridge.....the ending of a partnership on a sad and bitter note. 


Time was.....when we got along
Time was.....when we got along
It's too bad , that the feeling's gone 


Time was.....when we could agree
Time was.....when we could agree
That time's gone , now you find fault with me


Time now....to turn over a new leaf
Time now....to turn over a new leaf
I've got to go partner , I can't stand the grief

CULTURE CORNER....... ( With yet another stunning example of the Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber's poetic genius )

Entitled  " NIghtmare Blues "

Saw a grown man crying
It wasn't a pretty sight
Oppo could do no wrong
On that cruel and fateful night
Slams went down on 5-0 breaks
Penalty doubles cost him dear
All that early confidence
Quickly turned to fear 
As tears rolled down his face
He just couldn't take the strain
Each and every small mistake
Doubled him up in pain
One rank bottom followed another
But not from want for trying
Bridge gods were against him
And now the man was dying
His will to live was ebbing away
Lady Luck had left his side
There was no one he to turn to
Nowhere to go , nowhere to hide
By the time the session ended  
His mood was very black
He said farewell to his partner
And placed his head upon the track

ANOTHER POETIC MASTERPIECE FROM THE PEN OF DR. SIGMUND T. SHUKELGRUBER....

( Entitled the  " Here Comes The Preacher Man  "  in dedication to all those I-know-best-love-my own-voice self-proclaimed experts who terrorise members in every bridge club you care to name )


Here comes the preacher man
He's always here
He's always there
He's always bloody everywhere
This man in the long dark coat


Here comes the preacher man
He gets through the gears
To hammer your ears
To heighten your fears
This man in the long dark coat

He comes the preacher man 
He sees bridge as a sport
Where nous can be taught
Where he can hold court
This man in the long dark coat

He comes the preacher man
He's ready to tail you
He's looking to nail you
Then publicly flail you
This man in the long dark coat

He comes the preacher man
Words loaded with spite
Pushing wisdom that's shite
He tells what's right
This man in the long dark coat

Here comes the preacher man
No where to hide
Hope's all but died
I'm gonna get fried
By this man in the long dark coat




  

THE SCOURGE OF BRIDGE : SMART-ARSE PLAYERS WHO BID 1NT ON ZERO POINTS.....( Article by Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber )

Judy Kay-Wolff posted a comment recently where she correctly condemned a modern day tactic ( or is it obsession ? )  to stick in bids simply to rattle and disturb the minds of their opponents. By creating the illusion that none of villian's bids can be believed or trusted , the unfair advantage gained can now be thoroughly exploited to great effect on subsequent boards. 
Psyching a 1NT on a complete yarborough is an abomination of the what really matters in the game of bridge : the integrity of the player and what is actually on the system card. Any bid which is an outright lie , or designed purely to create havoc and or confusion , should be outlawed. leave psychs to big money players of rubber bridge , where the poker tactics become part and parcel of the game. 
Whenever a player makes an opening bid which goes far beyond a major deviation , the tactic should be classified as a form of cheating , or an outrageous prank , where the culprit just wants to get " one over " the opponents. Players owe a duty of care to the rest of the field.   By handing out a top as a consequence of this unacceptable behaviour , the guilty pair might well leap frog others on the leader board in undeserving circumstances ,  forging ahead of all their opponents who fought hard  ( and genuinely ) to earn a part-score average. Similarly , if the psych worked against producing an outright bottom , then others in the field will all get an undeserved albeit improved score on that particular board.
Foolish , reckless and insane bids adversely affect the whole field , inevitably distorting the scoring and the final placings in the process. If the authorities are so adamant on pairs having their system cards available for close inspection , and abiding by the strict " alert " rules , then why in God's name do they allow players to deviate from what they have agreed ,and what is clearly written down in black and white ? Players who psych  a conventional 1NT can only be described as liars and cheats.
The whole idea of auction bidding is to communicate details about one's hand to partner: information which the opponents are also entitled to share. The real skill of the game is for players to absorb all the information revealed in an auction to make winning decisions on how to proceed in the auction , and the subsequent play of the cards afterwards. 
What the game of bridge needs now , even in top class tournaments level , is a level playing field. This in turn means working towards standardising what conventions are permissible , and the introduction of bans on all psychs and gross system deviations. Moreover , I would be much happier to see conventional bids having one meaning only , properly described on the system card , or explained in a single sentence. Bids that have 2 or more possible meanings ( which may well come to light later on in the auction ) have in my view an ambiguity that is meaningless at the time the bid is made. 
Integrity, fairness and honesty should be the bedrock on which the game of bridge is built. Players should focus less on enigma-code system cards , and rely on the knowledge gleened from the auction  to help determine the best way to make more tricks than the rest of the field. The game of bridge should not be corrupted and spoiled by smart-arse cheats.    
   
        

CULTURE CORNER ......( Poems by Dr.Sigmund T. Schukelgruber )

He partnered curvy Mabel
The pace was fast and furious
He slid beneath the table
Not drunk 
But merely curious


He partnered Sexy Sadie
She was a very canny chick
No daily rate
No hourly fee
She just charged him by the trick

He partnered sharp-tongued Susie
It was an act of reckless folly
Slating him
At every turn
She made him look a wally

He partnered frigid Freida
A woman he wanted to bed
But being as ass
He made a pass
So she knifed him in the head

A POTTED HISTORY OF RECENT EVENTS AT THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC IN EXACTLY 24 WORDS ............( A cute little poem by Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber )

Aggravation
Altercation
Accusation
Litigation
Polarisation
Implementation
Probation
Segregation
Alienation
Incrimination
Consternation
Condemnation
Resignation
Damnation
Elimination
Celebration
Jubilation
As another poor pantopod bites the dust

CONVENTION DISRUPTION : THE PROBLEMS OF FORGETFULNESS , IGNORANCE AND CONFUSION....
( An article by Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber )

Irregular and infrequent partnerships. Regular partners who all choose to play a different system. Playing with complete strangers by virtue of partners not turning up , or the operation of a stand-by system. Welcome to the world of duplicate bridge.
Even agreeing to play stayman might not that simple of straightforward. Is it promissory , non-promissory or what?  And if there's an intervening bid what does a double mean?  " Yes , I can play the multi-diamonds.... but as to a full understanding of the responses , and/or what to do after the opponents stick in an obstructive overcall , I'm not so sure ". Welcome to the world of duplicate bridge.
Passes, forcing passes, take-out doubles, penalty doubles, 4NT asking bids, 4NT sign offs : the scope for ambiguity and uncertainty is infinite. Questions about bids which confuse opponents often confuse partner, who inevitably can only answer their questions " We have no agreement ! ". Yes , this is a world riddled with convention disruption.
Whether CD occurs because of lack of pre-match discussion, ignorance or poor grasp of conventions, loss of concentration or forgetfulness , the offended or injured partners get frustrated , irritated and angry. The problem is so serious it blights the game , often leading to allegations of cheating , which in some cases are well founded.
Take for instance the four scenarios which can occur when the opponents ask for an explanation of an alerted convention bid . It might be (a) woefully incomplete, (b) muddled or confused, (c) misleading by default , and (d) hopelessly incorrect. So why do players elect to play conventions they don't fully grasp or understand ? God only knows.
Yet the forms of CD seem endless.  Pairs can be at cross purposes as to what situations a convention should be used or not. Many players wrongly believe a convention has been included into their hastily agreed system , or has been left out. In some instances , despite agreeing on a convention , they completely forget about it , or worse still forget to alert the bid. Sometimes when asked about a convention bid , the realisation that they don't know what it actually means suddenly dawns upon them. Add to that the possibility they might invent an answer they think is correct  ,  the auction can then descend into a complete farce. 
However, one must never overlook the fact that the opponents , by raising questions about convention bids , alerts and doubles , are themselves looking to pass on unauthorized information , or seeking to gain an unfair advantage. "2C stayman ? "....." Yes.... so is it promising a major ? " often comes from an opponent who is holding one or both majors himself. 
Sadly , duplicate bridge with its dozens of irregular pairings,  players who love to toy with new and exciting conventions they don't fully understand , and players who are genuinely forgetful or prone to lapses of concentration , the problem of CD will never go away.