( Bigot-Johnson and his partner were both summoned to attend this latest hearing to answer questions over their alleged use of a novel and unusual convention, which had never been stated on their system cards. Not only was it was unlicensed, but it was also illegal . Bigot of course was determined to refute any such allegations, and immediately took centre stage of the proceedings. An extract from the hearing's transcript can be seen below. )
Chairman : Bigot you are a scurrilous, devious, wicked individual who will go to any lengths to win. What on earth possessed you to use an unlicensed and illegal convention ?
B-J : No....no....you've got it all wrong. My partner and I were playing a very basic system in strict accordance with what was on our system cards.
C : Not so....you were using an undeclared convention so obscene it requires us to impose a very severe punishment indeed. This so called gadget of yours not only amounted to convention misuse..... but convention abuse. Never have I come across a more blatant example of cheating, especially given the way it cleverly exploits the rules concerning insufficient bids.
B-J : Now look here.....there is nothing inherently wrong with innocent or accidental under bids, especially when opponents are given specific rights and appropriate redress. If for instance I bid 1D after my RHO has opened 1H, the opponents can now decide to either let the bid stand or have me correct it.
C : Ah...but only you and your partner know that this insufficient bid shows a poor 5 card suit, because on the occasions you do come in with a proper overcall of 2D..... you always end up with suit which is far stronger. The fact remains that all your insufficient bids are deliberate....not accidental....attempts to convey the poor trick taking potential in that suit. Such is the way your devious and cheating mind works.
B-J : You can't prove any of this..........
C : Wrong....because here today we have your partner in attendance who has agreed to expose the use of this so called SCUD convention........ which we are led to believe stands for SUIT CRAP UNDERBID DELIBERATELY.
( At that point, Bigot , with rage and anger written all over his face, turned to stare hard and long at his petrified partner. )
B-J : Excuse me a minute....... while I have a quiet word or two with my partner in private.
( Then the two men walked out of the building and into the car park. Seconds later there was the sound of four or five heavy thuds , like a cricket bat knocking seven bells out a hard round ball-shaped object.......only for blood-stained Bigot to return alone. )
I'm sorry to say...... that my poor partner is now indisposed, and therefore is unable to stand up...........as a witness. But as for this outrageous interpretation of SCUD.......it couldn't be any further from the truth.
C : Well, what the blue blazes then does it stand for ?
B-J : Well, for the time being.....it stands for SECRET CONVENTION UNDER DEVELOPMENT
C : Well, that leaves me completely speechless.....
B-J : Good....and if that is the case .....and you've no more to say ...... I'm buggering off home !
No comments:
Post a Comment