LAW REPORT : BIGOT-JOHNSON v. WALNUT TREE ALLOTMENT SOCIETY BC COMMITTEE ( 2013 )

In a highly charged courtroom yet another claim of wrongful suspension was brought by Bigot before a taciturn and unforgiving County Court judge.
The chief witness for the defendants as it happened was a senior committee member , Pongo Pantopod Junior,  who ended up being questioned directly by the judge. A short extract from the trial's transcript of their encounter can be seen below . )

PP :  I saw him ( Bigot ) do it !
Judge : Do what ?
PP : Cause a spillage on the floor inside the gents toilet
Judge :  And the club suspended him for that ?
PP : Yes.....it was a clear violation of the club rule which requires members to maintain a steady hand and aim straight
Judge : But according to Bigot you were the only witness to this alleged violation
PP : Wrong......there were dozens of others
Judge : How come ?
PP : Well....we had a re-enactment which they all attended, and so in effect they did witness what actually happened on that particular night
Judge : And who took part in this re-enactment
PP : Just me.....I took the part of Bigot-Johnson , and I expertly choreographed the whole show 
Judge : Making no doubt a mess on the floor ?
PP : Unfortunately yes.....I had been drinking heavily all day
Judge : And Bigot was suspended for a year without ever being given a hearing ?
PP : Well , not exactly .....he did manage to get one..... 11 months later when an appeal panel was formed to review his claim that the disciplinary process was flawed
Judge : Well, it was.....
B-J : Well said your Honour
PP : But the appeal panel upheld our decision to suspend him stating that the process was fair and above board. No one on that panel wanted that disgusting,  toilet messing individual back on the premises at any cost
Judge : Yes....and now that you've mentioned costs.....I would like to point out the figure to date is well in excess of £200,000, which seems a tad excessive when Bigot could have been fined £2 for having the mess cleaned up
PP : Oh.....you mean....just make him pay a £2 fine......we never thought of that
B-J : That's because you gardeners are a load of brainless numpties
Judge : Yes....but since each party has allowed this trivial toilet incident to escalate into a full blown legal battle , taking both of you to the brink of bankruptcy , I can do no more than order each of you to pay your own costs
PP : Oh dear....
B-J : No...you can't do that
Judge : Never in my life have I seen parties to a dispute act in such a blind, belligerent and insane way.....when so many options existed to resolve this dispute quickly , cheaply and in an amicable way. Moreover , Bigot must be re-instated as a member.... but only after he has attended a 3 week toilet training course


( This skit was inspired by a recent law case reported in " The I "  on October 13th 2013, where a High Court judge hit out at the astonishing cost of a 6 year legal battle, which reached a figure of around £350,000. The judge said there was no explanation for the volte-face, when one of the parties backed down, and that he remained utterly baffled by the course this litigation had taken, and perplexed by the lack of clarity in their case. Commenting on the costs involved the judge went to say that this was an astonishing sum of money to spend on one case. Not surprising given the fact that the case involved 2000 pages of documents, including witness statements running to 740 pages. The judge couldn't help but remark that the quantity of paper could only be described as " inordinate ". )