BRIDGE BOOKS THAT BIGOT-JOHNSON TRULY LOVES.............( By Pun )

• I'm A Bridge Playing Transvestite............................"Big" Jesse
• "Don't take My Insults Too Seriously, Partner"......Mickey Takin
• Bridge Memoirs: My Ups And Downs........................Jack Rabbit
• So What If I'm A Bridge Bully.....................................Issac Hunt
• Sitting Seats Are Not For Me......................................Emma Royds
• Ladies Just Love Me..................................................Ken I. Pullem
• I've Won Everything Going (Just)..............................Joe King
• Staying Ahead Of The Field.......................................Lee Meadows
• "Are You Taking The Piss, Partner?".........................Jimmy Riddle
• No Going Back, Partner..............................................Ruby Conn

BRIDGE ETIQUETTE TOWARDS PARTNERS ( REVISED EDITION) .........................( By Howard Bigot-Johnson )

As practised by the new generation of Bigot-Johnson wannabes................................The 10 Golden Principles:

1. If you end up in an unmakeable contract preserve your own personal integrity and standing, by blaming your partner's absurb bids for landing you there........even if he passed throughout!
2. If you misplay a perfectly bid and easily makeable contract, remind partner that one of his earlier indiscretions had continued to play on your mind, clearing indicating that your failure.... was his fault after all.
3. If your partner raises your opening bid ( or overcall ) to the limit, which leads to a double and a rather hefty penalty, remind him quite politely that he ought to be aware that you have a tendency to open on filth.
4. When in defence your partner has just made a diabolical play of the cards, calmly point out to him ( at the end of the hand ) the fruitlessness of his lead/return................. by referring to him as a "jaffa".
5. If you have been criticised by your partner ( heaven forbid ) on a particular aspect of your play, discretely ask as many people as you can about the hand......and what they would have done in that situation. Keep on asking until you find someone who shares your view, whereupon you quickly inform partner of this third opinion. Now you can tell partner with conviction that it is he who is in the minority.
6. If you meet opponents that are regarded as weak, elect to play them rather than the system which is on your card. If your partner becomes misled by your unilateral departure from the agreed convention card, politely point out that there is such a thing called "table presence"............which he needs to acquire if his reading of your bids is to improve.
7. If you are renowned for psychic or unsound bids which propel partner to bid directly to game, 4 Notrumps, or slam..........gently remind him that you are an advocate of "slow approach" bidding. The subsequent bad score therefore was completely down to his rash, impetuous and undisciplined bidding.
8. If the opposition, say an E/W pair, have provided you with a gift, make sure you alert them to the error of their ways.....alongwith a huge big "thank you". Also tell them not to be so stupid with the other N/S pairs, since this would negate any advantage gained here. If, as expected, partner objects to your comments, quickly point out to him the insensitivity of his remarks.......and his rudeness for butting in.
9. If you have had a miserable session and a stack of below-par scores, put to the forefront of your mind your partner's litany of errors ( deleting of course, all those he could easily counter-claim were solely down to you). Ensure that the list and all the hands concerned can be repeated in exact detail.....at the drop-of-a-hat....in any bridge conversation, say up to 20 years later. Constant reminders like this may well prompt partner not to make the same mistakes again.
10. Always believe that you are a player of superior technical skill, vision and ability. This way whenever any new partner asks for a game, it is you that is making the magnanimous gesture.......and that it would be both customary and appropriate to offer you some form of remuneration, as compensation for the sacrifice being made..

DR. SIGMUND T. SCHUKELGRUBER WOULD LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT IF BOB DYLAN HAD BEEN A BRIDGE PLAYER?............................... then he would have surely used these alternative lyrics to the song "The House of the Rising Sun".....lyrics that might have gone like this:

• There is a house in Fishbein Road......where bridge boys go to play
• It's been the ruin of many a marriage....just how many I cannot say
• The game of bridge is such a pull..... which no one as yet can resist
• 'Cus the thrill of making trick after trick.....is nothing short of bliss
• Now the only thing a player needs......is a system that carries no flaws
• And the only time he's ever satisfied.....is when it delivers good scores
• Or when hands are bid to the limit...with opponents in all kind of trouble
• 'Cus should they decide to the bid again ..... you're in with a juicy double
• But I warn all those thinking of joining...there's a risk of ruining your lives
• By going to that house in Fishbein Road...you may end up losing your wives
• Yet I'll be back for another game....whilst at home there wont be a sound
• Either my wife has found a new lover....or she's digging a hole in the ground
• So with the club my shrine, cards my drug....I must visit the house whilst I'm able
• Nothing must stop me claiming my seat.....as the boards arrive at the table

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG..............................................

• Dear Rebecca, I've won countless club trophies. but despite all these achievements I cannot get into the club's Intercity 'A' team. What else can I do to get the recognition and call-up I so richly deserve. Yours forever overlooked............Des Trought
• Dear Des, I'm sorry to say, but your primary focus needs to be getting some sort of a reality check. Winning a few selling plates does not qualify you to run in the classics. There's an old racing adage "horses for courses" that you need to take on board. Should you ever venture out into the big-boys world of congresses and/or national competitions......beating the likes of me and my fellow grandmasters...... then I agee, you may have a point. Otherwise, come to terms with the fact you are no more than the proverbial nag. Yours straight from the horses' mouth......Rood

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY............................................

• Bidding.................the rest period between arguments
• Danger Hand.........usually your partner's right fist, after failing to see it was the LHO who carried the threat
• Face Down...........how you inevitably end up after failing to see the danger hand.....
• Wriggle................ a clever but unethical body movement to tell partner to bid again to find a safer spot
• Top-of-nothing.......a common joke God plays on players, condemning them to mid-table mediocrity

BRIDGE BOOKS THAT HELPED BIGOT-JOHNSON TO BECOME THE PLAYER HE IS TODAY...........................( By Pun )

• Peeking At The Cards..............................Eileen Backmore
• For Pity's Sake Give Me The Lead............Dug Walker
• Visionary Bids And Lines Of Play..............Rev. L. Ayshuns
• Making That Killer Switch...........................Sir Kit Braker
• The Bridge Adventures Of Jill And Pat.......Les B. Hanz
• Bridge Is A Lottery....................................Tom Bola
• Psyches And Deviations............................Ben D. Rules
• Partner, Let's Bury The Hatchet..................Tom A. Hawk
• Flaws In My Game.....................................Gay Pinhole
• Seaside Congresses' Main Attraction........Don K. Rydes

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES....................................................................................

• The other day when I was clearing out a few old files, I came across the medical records of my very first patient from the bridge playing fraternity. This rather obnoxious character.....I really did struggle to display any shred of professional empathy..........came to me with a quite unnerving personality disorder. Hard as I tried I was completely unable to help this man, who was displaying acute symptoms of the condition known as URIA HEPITITUS.
• This affliction, loosely named after a Shakespearean character, is one which causes far more distress to those looking on.......as opposed to the sufferers themselves. Although it can take the form of "hero worship", it is far more likely to manifest itself as creepy, sycophantic behaviour designed to get into someone's good books ( usually a top class player who has an approachable nature ). The sycophants' objectives may range from making very noticeable social contact, seeking positive recognition through regular association........or better still, gaining the envy of others by achieving the status of being the celebrity's partner. Unfortunately, a severe symptom of this condition is the partial blindness which quickly overtakes all sufferers, resulting in their failure to see the widespread contempt that is building up against them. This of course is in response to their endless gloating and smug posturing. Clubs, which have shown real concern over the nauseous and queasy feelings experienced by distressed onlookers, have quite sensibly left strategically-placed buckets all over their premises. These avoid the necessity for members to make mad dashes to the toilets, whilst at the same time reducing the risk of expensive carpet clean-ups. Confrontation and aversion therapies have, to a limited extent, made some inroads into tackling this unpalatable form of arse-licking behaviour, but the odds of success for a permanent cure have continued to remain very high indeed.

NEWSFLASH: PUN MISSES OUT ON PRESTIGIOUS TITLE........

• Pun recently submitted 10 brand new entries for "The Best Pun Bridge Book Title" title....... but to no avail. The man himself was so gutted he was reported as saying: " I guess it was a case of no pun in ten did." Only one got anywhere close to a result, and that was " Best Defence.......(by)......Barry Cade."
• Undeterred, Pun is already working on next year's competition, having created and compiled another hundred bridge book titles, from which one or two seem certain to make his final ten.

JOHNNY SUPREMO GETS IT RIGHT..............................AS ALWAYS

• There I was looking at a hand on which to open one heart, when before I knew it partner (East) had opened the bidding with a pre-emptive 3C..............only for South to confidently overcall, and bid 4S. This bid ended the auction.
• Looking at my: 95......KJ862.....AK107.....97.......I kicked off with the Ace of diamonds, only to see dummy coming down with: 73......A103......QJxxx.......KQ2.
• Partner duly indicated he had a small doubleton diamond.......to match declarer's. If as I suspected he also held a seven card club suit to the Ace, then he had only four cards left in hearts and spades.
• What did I now know about declarer's hand? He certainly must have a singleton club and two diamonds. With ten cards left in spades and hearts, I was convinced he possessed a solid 7 card spade suit, plus 3 hearts to the queen. If this was the case, then partner's remaining 4 cards were indeed 3 hearts and a singleton spade.
• Declarer was certainly good for 8 certain tricks, and I could see him eyeing up two more from dummy's diamonds and clubs. Therefore, only one card at trick 2 could scupper his game plan completely......and that was the King of Hearts !
• Although this gave declarer a surprise heart trick (he was obliged to take it in dummy with the Ace)......his one and only guaranteed entry to any possible winners in diamonds/clubs had suddenly, and prematurely, gone. Now, for the defence, it was plain sailing to take our two diamonds and a club, alongwith a wonderful heart trick courtesy of my jack. The contract was doomed for one down.
• ( As always, good bridge is not just about brilliance.....but an ability to count the cards.....and analysing what declarer might get up to. Then, what to do to disrupt his plans should become all too apparent. In this particular instance, it was a simple case of taking out his crucial entry card to dummy, before any diamond and club winners in dummy could be established.)

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG...........................................

• Dear Rebecca, My regular partner is very prone to going into prolonged trances before making any bids and opening leads. It is during one of these trances that I found the time to write this letter. Is there anything I can do or say that might "gee him up a bit" to the welcome relief of all? Yours struggling to cope................Rufus Tyler.
• Dear Rufus, I too have had a gutful of grief from these snails and procrastinators of the bridge world. Personally, I would bite the bullet and terminate the partnership. But if you lack the courage to save your sanity in this bold and abrupt way, might I suggest the following 5 pronged strategy:
• (1) Try to make your frustrations known by placing on the table a giant sized egg-timer..... only to be activated when it is his turn to bid or play.
• (2) Then you must be seen to enter details ( from your stop-watch calculations ) of his start and finish times on his personalised time-sheet.
• (3) Also make sure to carry on your person a whistle, bell or megaphone, so that a "time-up" announcement will not go unnoticed.
• (4) And please remember to bring with you several copies of a carefully worded letter of apology to give out to opponents, after each and every incident.
• (5) Finally, call over the TD whenever possible to give adjusted scores in favour of the opposition, on those boards where you feel they were left with insufficient time to bid and play their cards.
• I can assure you that sticking to this strategy will do the trick.....so to speak. Partner will get the message.......and from my experience it will be you who gets the boot........ Yours undisputedly Rood

LAW REPORT: R v. PUN (AUGUST 2009) ................................... ( This ground breaking test case set a new lankmark with regards to establishing the boundaries of acceptable language on bridge-based blogs. Not since the obscenity trials, involving the publications of Lady chatterley's Lover and Oz, has the judiciary been put firmly in the spotlight to impose a prison sentences on such a merchant of smut ........not to mention an indefinite ban on any more outrageous blog material . The trial had been expected to last for several weeks, but as you can see from the transcript below it was over in a matter of minutes.)

• Prosecutor:" We put it to you Pun that your entries to the Bizarrebridgeworld blog have been so contaminated ....or should I say blighted.............by your appalling and lewd double entendres, that many readers have written in countless letters of complaint to Google.....and the police. Moreover, it seems that you constantly go out of your way to think up book titles...and names......which clearly have unsavoury sexual connotations."
• Pun: " Might I point out that much of my humour draws upon words taken from the bridge vocabulary and names from the local telephone directory, which as a blog writer I'm entitled to use. Am I forbidden to use people's names.......or words like pair, queen, vulnerable, game, bottom, entry, fit, squeeze, raise, jump, trick? It's not my mind that is the problem...it's the minds of all those out there on the internet, who amazingly extract from quite harmless double entendres bucket loads of filth."
• Prosecutor: "But the truth remains that you have on occasions deliberately devised and employed dozens of crude double entendres to titillate your readers."
• Pun: "Yes.....but might I point out that if I used used the word tit....illate...some of my critics would have been up in arms!"
• "I do see your point......but the real offensive stuff comes out with character names such as... Norma Stitz......a vile name by any recognised standard of decency."
• Pun: " Hard on me as it is, but I must inform you that the maiden name of the learned judge presiding over this case, Baroness Gloria Leveridge......also happens to be Stitz...."
• Prosecutor: "Ooops...."
• Pun: " And what's more is....what do you make of your own name...Edward "Ted" Stickles?"
• Prosecutor: "Oh my God.....I see your point.......these damnable double entendres are everywhere.....I wish the case would come to an end."
• Judge: "It has.......so jury members, you are all dismissed......there is no case to answer. The trial is at an end.........the prosecution's wish has been granted."
• Pun: "Thanks your honour......do you fancy a quick one across the road at the Jolly Roger."
• Judge: " Indeed, I do......you little rascal you."

ENGLISH BRIDGE UNION REP MEETS BIGOT-JOHNSON.................( A short extract taken from a recent conversation between an EBU representative and man himself)

• R : " Well, what is your objection to the EBU master point promotions and ranking system?"
• B-J: " I wouldn't for a minute question the fact that those with grandmaster status certainly deserve their star billing as being some of the best players around."
• R: "I'm pleased to hear that."
• B-J: "But regarding promotions to regional masters ......now that is a different matter...... urgently needing review. There are players out there....complete bumbledogs....who struggle to get 40% on a normal duplicate night at their club......who low and behold ...in no time at all.... suddenly start poncing around with smug smiles and inflated egos......having just acquired the status of regional masters........it's a disgrace."
• R: "Hold on a minute....isn't this an extremely biassed and prejudiced point of view."
• B-J: "Not in the slightest. I know of dozens of losers who drive all over the country at weekends attending congresses happy to shell out a ton or more just for that half greenie........which they inevitably get when they play other equally hopeless players permanently occupying the bottom tables. One year on...and with fifty congresses under their belt these no-hopers, clueless clowns.......complete noddies.......... eventually accumulate the 25 greens needed for entry into that hall of regional master stardom. It's a ludicrous system.........this buy-your-way-to-success completely masks the fact that those half-way up the ladder may still useless at the game."
• R: " But we need to reward those ...in some way..... who win one or two of their round matches."
• B-J: " Rubbish...that's like the Olympics Body giving out medals to all those that get through the first round heats. Might I suggest instead........ that round match-winners in the bottom half receive a token towards a lucky dip from a giant bran-tub. This event could take place after the final session before the major prize giving. But back to the issue in question.....for me, the rationale for giving out green points should be based on sustained success. This surely establishes evidence of competence and ability. Green points should therefore only be handed out to those finishing in the top 10% of the competition field."
• R: "But that would mean some players would take years...perhaps a lifetime.....to acquire these 25 greenies..........and that might dissuade them from coming to congresses.......and that in turn has financial implications for EBU, surely?"
• B-J: "Yes,yes...but buying status and qualifications can't be right.......but hey, enough said on this topic.... let's get onto a much more important matter.......such as, do you accept that I am a first class, top-notch player..... despite not having any regional master credentials?"
• R: "Indeed, I do."
• B-J: " Do you also accept that some regional masters may have no bridge sense whatsoever?"
• R: " Yes...you could be correct with that assessment."
• B-J: "Well, surely then.... the EBU will allow me to enter this competition for regional masters and above."
• R: " Not a chance...the rules are quite clear."
• B-J: " Bugger..."

CAN I HELP IT IF AN OPPONENT GIVES AWAY AN INADVERTANT TELL..................................( Article by Howard Bigot Johnson)

• I am in 6S and the opening lead is a club. With one possible loser in diamonds, I needed to pick up the queen of trumps before testing the hearts. With nothing to go on, I have a simple choice: either play for a 2-2 split to drop the queen, or take the finesse through my RHO.... where the queen to three could be lurking.
• Dummy had come down with: ......109x.......AKxxx...........Q...........xxxx.........opposite my rather impressive ....................AKJxxx.......Qxx...........Kx..........AK
• I opted for plan A. I took the club trick in hand with the Ace, and quickly played the Ace of spades, intending to play the King of spades next........as did West ! However, for some unknown reason I inadvertantly played the King of clubs instead.
• West didn't bat an eyelid as he was still pondering which card to discard on the anticipated trump King. Had he registered the card as a club, the pause I'm sure would not have been as long. Moreover, if he had another spade, then surely to God he would waste no time in playing it.....or at least make a rapid change when it became apparent a club was called for. I could not help but come to the conclusion that my LHO started out with a singleton spade.
• So at trick four I played over to Dummy's top heart to take the spade finesse. This worked of course, enabling me to bring the slam home plus one.
• Should my play be described as a sneaky opportunist masterpiece of reasoning? And even if such action fell outside the boundaries of unethical practice, should I have done the honest thing and stuck with my original plan. Bugger that.
• ( I would welcome any readers' comments.)

BRIDGE BOOKS THAT SHOULD NEVER HAVE GONE TO PRINT........( By Pun )

• Kibitzing Under Cover...............................Ida Downe
• Bridge Book Reading Aids..........................Paige Turner
• Bigot-Johnson To Go Professional?..............Willy O'Wownty
• Up Against It............................................Abe Rickwall
• Have A Plan "B".........................................Justin Case
• Bridge On The Cheap................................Penny Pinchin
• Table Antics: Taking The Biscuit...............Gary Baldy & Ginger Knutt
• Bridge At Sunrise..................................... Earl E. Rizor
• Bridge At Sunset...................................... Dawn Skye
• Highway Robbery At The Bridge Tables..... Stan and Del Lever

WHY YOU REALLY LOSE AT BRIDGE...........................(By Carp)

• S.J. Simon wrote a book on this very subject, but his explanations revolved around the notions of too many players having poor technique and lousy judgement, flawed logic and analysis, alongwith a lack of discipline, skill and tactical awareness.
• So what about the rest of us who do have the necessary attributes to win at bridge but never seem to deliver? Surely, there has to be other explanations that go beyond the cliches "it wasn't our day" or "luck always seems to desert us".
• I think I have the answers to explain why this situation arises. Out there are malevolent forces at work conspiring against us...... the chosen few...... making sure we are always just outside the prizes.............never to experience rostrum glory or silverware success. Indeed, we are eternally cursed to become the victims of nature's cruellest laws. We are destined never to be blessed or walk on water, have a charmed life, or have our prayers answered. So what are these damnable laws that mercilessly compel us to just miss out.
• Icarus' Law "The higher you climb the greater your fall". This law locks in just when you think you are on the flight path to glory, and the sweet smell of success is in the air. Whenever you think you are really flying and on cloud nine, having reached the top table with just one round to go.......you are about to discover the reality of peaking too soon. As the sun comes out during that final round, you see your wings suddenly melting as one bad board follows another. Now your final round zero score sends you plummeting down the order......to yet again experience the pain of missing out on the prizes.
• Murphy's Law "If anything can go wrong it will". This manically pessimistic outlook reflects a law attributed to a little known but competent Irish bridge player, who found himself in a rock solid grand slam, doubled and redoubled. On fumbling with excitement to pull out a high trump card, he allowed a small trump card instead to drop face up on the table. The opposition insisted this was the card that had to be played, whereupon they snatched the trick to defeat the contract. Not long after, he thought he had won a knockout teams final by brilliantly bidding and seeing home a small slam on the last board, only to discover that his team-mates had played that board earlier on.......but the wrong way round. This resulted in the board being scrubbed, and the match lost as a result. Murphy from that point on always feared the worse, and the law made sure that all his fears turned into reality. From some of us the Murphy's ghost has become our constant companion.
• Sod's Law There's no universally accepted definition of this law, but for many it's essentially a comic explanation of ironic misfortune. Some examples often cite players, who in moments of crisis, experience forces beyond their control, which compels them to do things that their logic and expertise rejects. For instance, you recognise that a particular board is going to have a significant impact on your results. Suddenly, the law takes hold, and you develop a thought that what you are about to do will be wrong. Yet despite this gift of insight you go ahead with this thought anyway! Immediately after the ensuing disaster, you are quick to explain to partner that your actual bid and/or play of the cards was based upon the absurb logic....... that the less likely outcome was the one more likely to occur........but of course it didn't. Although it may seem to some that Sod's Law and Murphy's Law appear the same they are not. Sod's law only operates on higher levels of probability and/or absurdity. Murphy's law has more to with the manifestation of one's fears.
• So now you know what forces are out there conspiring against you and I.......always making sure that we snatch defeat from the jaws of victory over and again. S. J. Simon's book, excellent though it is, certainly failed to acknowledge the existence of these laws, which in my eyes was an unbelievable oversight.

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : MESSINA BOUTUS................ This particular condition tends to affect bridge players who build up a run of wretched scores in the first half of a duplicate session. Their initial desire to take no risks eventually changes into a gung-ho approach towards both their bidding and their play. This blase attitude stays with them for the remainder of the session. Born out of frustration and anger, this psychological disorder quickly develops from small mildly frivolous acts... ......into full blown "out of control" random behaviour . "Losing their heads" is often an understatement of their condition. Unconcerned now about any future scores , wild punts and outrageous psyches abound. The urge to have fun and create mayhem in the opposition ranks spurs them on towards total self-destruction at the table. However, this condition does have serious implications for the sufferers. Firstly, they will certainly face severe disciplinary action from the club officials, following the inevitable list of complaints gathered in from shocked and outraged opponents. Secondly, the disorder often spills over into their private and work lives, causing them to experience broken marriages, as well as summary dismissals from their work-place. Yet strangely, for some victims of this full-blown disorder, the gay abandon and freedom they have now come to enjoy.......soon develops into a craving. This sudden addiction propels them into making life-changing decisions. These always seem to involve rejection of their former-lives, opting instead to back-pack around the world.....in search of love, excitement, adventure , danger and wealth.

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG..............................

• Dear Rebecca....... Is it possible in tournament events to be both competitive and considerate towards your opponents? ............Yours a tad unsure......Tobias Fitzwilliam
• Dear T....... In a word "No". If competitions are to be taken seriously there is no room for sentiment. One is required to adopt a win-at-all-cost attitute, with no prisoners taken. This in turn requires you to ruthlessly exploit the mistakes, weaknesses...and transgressions.....of those who seek to do the same to you. It's dog eat dog out there in the competitive arenas of big tournament events. The secret to success is to get your strikes in first. However, I would suggest that you also try to adopt a convincing facade of politeness, alongside a dollop of cunning charm..............Yours always a wolf in sheep's clothing..........Rebecca

THE TEN MOST USELESS BRIDGE BOOKS EVER................( By Pun)

• Work Hard On Your Game.................................Ernest N. Devver
• Giving Opponents A Pounding...........................Jack Ammer
• I'm A Grandmaster............................................Justin Credible
• New Bidding Concepts.......................................Ivor I. Deer
• After You Partner..............................................Hugo First
• Moves To Stop Bullying.....................................Will B. Dunne
• Bridge Bullies Rile Me........................................Ann Greaswell
• Bridge At A Canter.............................................Orson J0ckey
• Pretending You're An Expert..............................Faye Kinnet
• Amusing Bridge Stories......................................Anne Moore

A TWO MINUTE INTERVIEW WITH BIGOT-JOHNSON...................

• "Come on..come on.....get on with it.....I haven't got all bloody day!"
• "Sorry....well, let's start off with....I know....What made up take up bridge?"
• " To put it simply...I fell head-over-heels in love with a woman who was a very keen bridge player and she introduced to the game...."
• "And what happened to her?"
• "Well, her game was so bad I had to ditch her......to seek out new partners who have at least some semblance of card sense and table presence."
• "Does it matter to you that club members have openly stated that your name describes you perfectly... .........a bigot who is riddled with prejudice, bias and extremist attitudes?"
• "Yes, if they happen to be on my " Very Special Friends" list, but no to the countless others who are not."
• "So what do you like to do outside Bridge?"
• "Hmm...not much really...but being a ken allotment man .... I find nicking veg off other peoples' patches saves me one helluva lot of money......I do enjoy reading a blog called WALNUT TREE ALLOTMENT ...written up by some weird Aussie bloke ....good read...full of interesting stuff... with quite a bit of humour tossed in for good measure."
• "And..what made you decide on doing this bizarrebridgeworld blog?"
• "Well, I got really pissed off with being the editor of the club newsletter when criticisms came in thick and fast. I'm very sensitive to criticism you know. So I thought sod you I'm going to find readers who will appreciate my talents....somewhere where there is an uncensored, restrained, anarchistic world in which I can run amok."
• " So as a final question....what would you ask for if you were granted one wish?"
• " The re-introduction of capital punishment....there are crimes being committed at the bridge tables that warrant lynchings and up-against-the-wall shootings.......because... as yet..... nothing has been done to stop them..."
• "Interesting answer there....... an appropriate moment now..... I think.... to thank you for giving me the opportunity to put these questions to you..... and.... er..... is there anything you want to ask me?"
• "Yes.....how much am I getting paid for this interview?"
• "Nothing...."
• "Bugger...."

FANTASY BRIDGE................................( Article by Pun)

• "Anyone for bridge?" asked Dracula. Both Errol Flynn and Mae West stepped forward.
• "Nice pairing" said the Count looking directly towards the volumtuous Mae.
• "I'll make up the four" replied Sweeny Todd, his eyes ablaze with sadistic delight and threatening barbarism.
• And so it was that this unlikely foursome sat down for the first time together to play a big money game of rubber bridge. "We need to cut.....for partners," said Sweeny, as he sat there sharpening his pencil. As luck would have it Errol was to partner Mae where Sweeny drew the Count.
• Errol soon found Dracula's random overcalls a little batty to say the least, not to mention his doubles that seemed to go for the jugular. The play of the cards also showed the Count to be in a rich vein of form. Sweeny's defence was also razor sharp, and despite numerous close shaves the murderous pair managed to pull off some remarkable contracts.
• "Anyone fancy a beer....or some vino?" queried Errol. THe Count was first to reply: " I don't mind a nip of the red stuff to start me off." So drinks were served mid-way through the third rubber. Mae decided she needed a tactical talk with Errol. " Listen, forget about ponderous approach bidding. Get your oar in, and jump me whenever you can. Once you know we are in a good fit go to the limit. We mustn't stick our necks out too far against these two, and neither must we make unnecessary phantom sacrifices. I'm only intersted in easy lay downs. And oh yes....I don't want to play McKenny discards. I much prefer Held with its clear come-on signals.
• The refreshment break and team talk certainly appeared to change their luck. Both the third and fourth rubber went their way to the fury and frustration of Dracula, who was now spluttering and choking after each bad score. " Your coughing needs to be seen to..." suggested Sweeny. The Count, by not picking up on the true context of the remark, quickly snapped back: "How inconsiderate of you to mention the word coffin......hasn't it dawned on you yet, my night is still young." Sweeny, sensing an opportunity to rattle the Count again, then quipped: " Should we play the last rubber for bigger stakes?" For a second time Dracula seethed at his mischievous and provocative partner.
• The fifth and deciding rubber got underway, and with one game up, and in pole position, Errol opened 2 spades. Mae, blessed with a decend hand herself, had waited all night for partner to come up with the really big one. " If this turns out to be a cock up I don't give damn".....she thought....."I'm going to punt 7 notrumps". But as she was about to bid Sweeny came in with a fatuous question as to what two clubs meant. Mae politely replied: "He's loaded with points and has length...of course.....in that suit". A few minutes later, a carefully executed endplay brought home the grand slam. The money was theirs. The Count felt like someone who had just had his heart pierced. Sweeny too was extremely cut up. And as Errol was about to down a stiff drink, Mae ( with a late-night disco in mind) whispered to him....."Hey, big boy.....why not finish the night off in style..........and come dancing?"