HOW WELL CAN YOU READ THE CARDS?....... ( Problem to solve by Bridgemeister Gibson ) Good bridge players are supposed to have the ability to read the opponenmts' cards, almost as if they can see through the backs of them. But how many of you can see through the backs of these clues, to identify the hand held by this particular opponent. You are allowed 30 minutes surfing the net to unravel the solution. South had in his possession two Casinos, a big one and a little one. Then he caressed the suicidal king. Suddenly, Condoleezza Rice and Donald Rumsfeld came into view, and immediately thoughts of "weasels" flashed through his head. His hand looked pretty good despite seeing a card, which only grace from Kilkenny would have liked. The tart maker was there alright, alongside King David of Israel, who was hiding behind the devil's bed-posts. He peeled back another card which made him think of Dylan's Rosemary and Lily. Ironically, as the dreadful news came through of England's rugby union defeat to Scotland, that cursed card popped out. Novel thoughts of the New Arabian Nights crossed his mind, when the last two cards came into view......one depicting the murderer, the other his intended victim. What a coincidence. What a hand....certainly good enough for a strong two opener?

BRIDGE IN THE TWILIGHT ZONE..............................( A true story as told to Bridgemeister Gibson ) Not so long ago, when playing at the club a certain member was involved in the following auction: 1S - Pass - 2H -Pass -1NT - Pass - Pass - Pass. No one batted an eyelid: and the hand was played out in 1NT. When declarer came to score the hand ( 1NT -1 ) she said : " Did you know partner, we would have been better off playing in two hearts." No other comments were made. Surreal.

WBF v. DR. JOHN ( LAW REPORT 2009)...................( Follow-up by Pun ) My report, I must admit, does take toilet humour to unbelievable new depths.......right down into the bowels of the earth in fact.......but this is because the appeal was heard by the following 3 judges: L.J. Royce ( Master of the Rolls ), L.J. Ballcock, and L. J. Cessel-Pitt. For convenience sake, I have decided only to publish their decisions, given that the trial itself lasted 17 days, despite every attempt to bring the whole business to a swift conclusion.

• L.J.Royce: " The plaintiff, representing bridge players at large, claimed they they were unfairly lampooned in Dr. John's case notes. They objected most strongly to the numerous false facts and innuendos, which they believed were wantonly mischievous. In their opinion, this "taking the piss" had been taken to unacceptable levels. No one is disputing the fact that Dr. John is a charlatan ( even the man himself agrees ), and that he did indeed expose the absurd and bizarre psychological traits of bridge players in a forthright way. The counsel for the plaintiffs, Sir W. C. Bowles, put forward the view that his clients had a water-tight case, and that the defamatory nature of these case notes were clearly subjecting bridge players to both ridicule and humiliation. Well, if these individuals recognised themselves in Dr. John's medical case notes, then there must have been a great deal of truth in what these articles were purporting. Therefore, since the truth has and always will be a defence to defamation, I must find for the defendant. "
• L.J. Ballcock ( looking rather flush ) : As both counsels well know, I am not one to take a back-seat role in these matters. Moreover, I am not one to fall between two stools. There is only one logical outcome to this case, which superbly highlights the conflict of two fundamental rights. The first one is our right to freedom of speech, a cornerstone of any free and democratic society. This however opposes our second one, which is the right of any individual to protect his reputation and feelings against unjust and untrue accusations, which all too often can often undermine one's standing and position in society. However, if a sane and rational person inadvertantly happened to stumble upon and read these case notes, only one conclusion could ever be reached. The Dr. John thing is a whole load-of-tongue-in-cheek rubbish......meaningless bull-shit which can not and should not be taken seriously. Taken at face value, the articles amounted to no more than ludicrous, but harmless, drivel. For different reasons, I concur with my learned friend.
• L.J. Cessel-Pitt : In lieu of normal protocol which requires me to be impartial, I do feel obliged to congratulate Dr. John on his excellent case notes. Contrary to what my colleague contends about their content, I believe a great deal about what Dr. John has to say about bridge players. Indeed, if he would be so kind as to send me a job lot of back issues ( I mean print-outs ) I will gladly reimburse him with a generous fee. However, getting back to this case, it seems to me that this ill-founded action has dragged on for far too long, and the paperwork produced by the plaintiffs have bogged down this hearing considerably. Dumping it all at the start would have been an act of blessed relief. As for the bridge players who are alleging defamation, I would like to say one thing : if the cap fits wear it. For may I remind them that defamation requires proof of false statements of fact.......a requirement which clearly excludes generalisations and opinions. The Dr. John case notes were not based on any particular individuals, being generalisations which contained small pockets of truth mixed in with great big dollops of speculative opinion. Furthermore, many of his articles referred to sad anonymous minorities within the bridge playing fraternity, but no one produced any examples which established concrete links between particular plaintiffs and particular case notes. Thankfully, my two colleagues have saved me from having to cast a deciding vote. However, having once been a member of a local bridge club, I appreciate what the defendant is saying, and what he is trying to achieve. I, therefore, also find in favour of the defendant.

( Footnote: Any excerpts, as well as back passages, from this trial's transcripts will soon be made available on-line, by going to www.parcelforce.lawreports@lav.uk )

WORLD BRIDGE FEDERATION v. DR. JOHN ( LAW REPORT OCTOBER 2009 )

In his remarkable case, a libel action was made against Dr. John. It was brought before the High Court in London by the WBF, who were representating all the bridge players from around the world. Allegations were submitted that Dr. John's case notes ( published in Howard Bigot-Johnson's BizarreBridgeWorld blog ) all contained false statements of fact. These untruths related to the numerous psychological disorders pertaining to bridge players . The WBF further contended that Dr. John had now made bridge players the subject of ridicule, which in turn had caused them to be shunned by ordinary members of society, with their reputations " as normal folk " now in tatters. Here then is the finale to the proceedings, as obtained from the court's transcripts. Dr. John had elected to defend himself:

• Plaintiff''s Counsel ( PC) : - Am I right in saying that you having listed at least 30 types of disorders, that you claim bridge players have fallen victim to ?
• D-J : -Yes
• PC : - Would you care to name a few of them for the benefit of the jury.....
• D-J : - If I must.....well....... there's the Mountebank Syndrome, Infla Tedego, Snow White Syndrome, Capgras Delusion, Uria Hepititus, the Dopeler Effect, Irritable Howell Syndrome, Namedro Pinitus, Tantrumus Histrionica, Fregoli's Delusion, Apollo 9 Syndrome, Muta Ignoramia..
• Judge : - I think the court has heard enough.....but how is it possible for one group of people in society to be cursed with so many psychological afflictions ?
• D-J : - That's just the tip of an iceberg, your honour.......there are hundreds more I've yet to report on.
• Judge : - Good grief.....
• PC : - May I be permitted to continue, your honour ?
• Judge : - Please do
• PC : - Dr. John, are you a qualified psycho-analyst?
• D-J : - No.....but I am an astute observer of bridge players' behaviour, a gifted academic, and an avid reader of anything and everything to do with abnormal psychology.
• PC : - In my book, that adds up to nothing. Indeed, it is my contention that your so-called case notes are nothing more than psychological mumbo-jumbo.......the madcap drivel of a charlatan........but drivel that has nevertheless caused embarrassment and pain to all those brdge players, who have unfortunate stumbled and strayed onto your blog site.
• D-J : - My case notes speak the truth, and it is not my fault that the truth sometimes hurts. Anyway, because bridge players are always in denial, they are generally immune to pain and embarrassment. Infact, denial is a natural human instinct, a defense mechanism to cover up our failings, shortcomings and weaknesses in order to preserve our precious egos .
• PC : - You're talking mumbo-jumbo again....
• D-J : - You would like to believe this, but let's take you for example...and consider your failings. You have come across to this court as a pompous, self-righteous, arrogant, upper-class, up-your-own arse lawyer...
• PC : - I'm not.....
• Judge : - Ah....but he does have a point though.
• D-J : - You clearly suffer from an outrageous superioty complex, revelling in the role of predator, relying on your sharp and pointed words to belittle and savage your quarry.
• PC : - I do not !.......
• Judge : - You certainly do...
• D-J : - And I've heard gossip from various sources that you are rubbish in bed...
• PC : - I am not....how dare you say that.....that's an outright lie !
• Judge : - Sorry to correct you there counsel, but the last time I bedded your wife she said the very same thing
• D-J : - So when you....are faced.... with a few horrible truths about yourself, your natural instinct is to deny them and accuse me of lying.
• PC : - Not so...
• D-J : - Well, you just have.......4 times to be exact.
• Judge : - I concur with that count.
• D-J : - Well, take it from me that bridge players are the world's best when it comes to denial. Plagued with so many serious psychological disorders, I fear that should they win this case, the result will only re-inforce and consolidate their collective and individual denial even more. If any one of them is ever going to face up the fact that he/she has a disorder that needs treating, it is of paramount importance that the WBF loses this case.
• Judge : - I agree, and I now direct the jury.......that there is nothing whatsoever to justify this action for libel. Truth has ...and always will be ......a valid defence against any alleged defamatory statements. The trial ends here...

( Footnote: Undeterred and undaunted by the High Court decision, the WBF lodged an appeal. As it happens, the appeal hearing took place the following week in the Court of Appeal, but it was Pun of all people who volunteered to write the report. )

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : THE U-HOLD U-OUGHT SYNDROME .... Only in the bizarre world of bridge, does this particular variant of tourette's syndrome exist. Strangely, it affects only the male players, who all suffer from it to varying degrees. The syndrome involves sufferers making the same utterances every time they open their mouths to speak to other members. All initial greetings begin with "you hold.. ", but later on during the conversation, most of the comments and remarks start off with " you ought.." . These two word utterances will always be made with attention seeking shrieks, especially by those who are prone to getting on their high horses. The victims cannot control these outbursts........which automatically pop out at each and every time they seize the opportunity to speak. Even though they hadn't considered for a moment what the final statement was going to be, they feel compelled to complete the statement....... with the first thing that comes into their head, irrespective of whether it is correct, meaningful or relevant. They are compelled to improvise, and should nervousness set in gibberish inevitably follows. They make several half-baked attempts to define the actual hand the person was meant to hold. Similarly, they might make several attempts at alternative plays or bids the person ought to have made at that point in time, hoping that one of these suggestions could be correct. Even when discussions move away from hands, the " you oughts " still persist, in that victims quickly move into the realms of general advice: " You ought to.... take lessons ".... "find a new partner "...." calm down ".....or even...." give the game up for good ". Indeed, as this syndrome fully develops the ordinary lives of these sufferers become blighted. Family, friends and work associations start to avoid from them at all costs, fearful of receiving barrage after barrage of such lordly but pointless suggestions. On a final note, many psycho-analysts believe this is syndrome is closely linked to a type of autistic, obsessive compulsive disorder. This might explain why men seem to be far more predisposed to becoming victims of this awful affliction.

A FEW WORDS FROM THE MAN HIMSELF........BIGOT JOHNSON Well, although this blog of mine has only been up and running since late July this year, I'm more than surprised by the response...920 visitor locations to date. I'm sure my links with www.clairebridge.com/blogs.htm and Linda Lee, http://linda.bridgeblogging.com/ have helped considerably. However, since my blog has clocked up 160 posts there is quite a bit of content to wade through if one is planning to back track through it all. I'm certain readers old and new will have their favourite characters, and so I feel it is necessary at this point in time to recap on what the gang members are all about...and what work they have done to date:

• Pun........loves messing about with pun names neatly linked to dodgy Bridge Book Titles, along with a few other articles which feature even more plays upon words ( 42 posts )
• Johnny Supremo.........offers some simple and straightforward advice on how to play the cards ( 12 posts )
• Rebecca Rood.........a truly gifted agony aunt who has all the answers ( 15 posts )
• Devil's Dictionary......a revised glossary of bridge terms that have more more meaning and relevance than those found in bridge books elsewhere ( 15 posts )
• Law Reports........sensational extracts from trials involving errant bridge players ( 8 posts )
• Dr. John's Case Notes.........dedicated psycho-analyst determined to unearth and expose the vast number of disorders and afflictions that plague all bridge players ( 27 posts )
• Carp.........an astute, perceptive observer of bridge players and their curious ways, but also a serious-minded critic ( 11 posts )
• Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber.....a complete odd-ball ( 5 posts )
• Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi.......a brilliant mathematician who loves to undertake unusual research projects ( 5 posts )
• Bridgemeister Gibson......likes to write quirky and unusual articles, but is now leaning towards posing problems for readers to test their logic and skill on ( 5 posts )
• Bigot-Johnson...........the leading man, who completely lives up to his name.....thriving on controversy and always looking to take on the establishment ( 15 posts )

So thanks to all for stopping by, and I hope this blog continues to put a smile on your face. If it happens not to be your taste then bugger.....it's like I've wasted a ton of effort for nothing. Mind you, if you do happen to find its content both readable and amusing.....then tell your other bridge associates and friends all about it.....and also tell them to tell their friends and so on. Hell, I'm on a bloody quest which is to notch up a million visitor locations just to put one over my Aussie friend who is determined to make his blog ( Walnut Tree Allotment ) more famous than mine. Who the hell wants to get hold of fantastic recipes for soups and meals, real tips on growing lovely, tasty vegetables, sound advice on cheap, effective, organic methods for dealing with nasty insects and pests......not to mention loads of reassuring psychological observations about life in general, as well as really useful links to other sites that provide all kinds of supportive material. Not me for sure....................because let's face it, bridge doesn't get me clumping into my home in muddy boots, reeking of manure and bent double with a slipped disc or two ! So, if you going to develop an obsession let it be bridge......it's certainly not back-breaking...... and after any session (short or long) you can still stand up straight...... in sweat-free clothing, and with clean finger-nails.

BRIDGE BOOKS VOTED THE BEST BY CANADA'S FINEST PLAYERS....... ( By Pun )

• Gay Bridge Clubs..............................................L. O. Saylor
• Trying Out New Partnerships............................C. Howett-Gose
• The Trophy's Ours, Thank You !........................Andy Tover
• Stunning Card Play...........................................Major Luke Twice
• How I Told Partner What To Play Next .............Imelda Letter
• Bridge Blogging: Creating Links.........................Daisy Chain
• You're Giving Me A Heart Attack, Partner.........Anne Jinah
• Why Is It Me That Gets The Big Bottom.............Rhoda Lott
• Were We Savaged By The Opposition................Claude Tobitz
• TD's Always Give Rulings Against Me................Candice B. Wright

BRIDGE PLAYERS AND MAGICAL THINKING....( Article by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi ) Magical thinking is a topic worthy of research, especially when one chooses to explore its presence in the world of bridge. A simple definition of magical thinking involves the ability to turn "nothing" into "something" ( or vice versa ), as well as the ability to turn "something" into "something else ". Bridge players it seems are adept at all three. However, it is important to see bridge in the same light as poker.... having a basic requirement for players to gamble, and take calculated risks. Therefore, if we view bridge players as "gamblers", then they inevitably fall victim to magical thinking, in the shape and form of irrational beliefs, erroneous perceptions and illusion of control.

• Irrational beliefs result from a lack of understanding of probability theory. A typical illustration is when a player elects to take another finesse ( destined to fail ) believing that the law of averages must be on his/her side this time round......especially, after seeing every earlier finesse fail.
• Erroneous perceptions are almost similar to irrational beliefs, except for one crucial difference. All too often players become victims of the "near miss" phenomenon. This means that they become convinced that the same tactics and strategies, and in both bidding and play, must come good the next time round because they almost worked last time.
• The illusion of control is a concept that in some instances refers to a player's belief that his/her ability is good enough to influence the outcome of a particular hand....... when in reality the opposite is true. However,it usually refers to a player's belief that control is in the hands of external and invisible forces, where all outcomes are pre-destined. But then, of course, they are others who feel this control can be wrestled back...and that future outcomes can be changed. This requires them to believe in superstition, taking all the necessary precautions and preventative actions recommended.

So here we have it then.....magical thinking is all about believing in the absurd: theories, outside forces, things, objects or actions none of which conform to scientific knowledge, common sense or reason. In other words, unjustified and misdirected beliefs. How often have we seen bridge players attributing their downfall to "dark forces", "bad luck", "jammy opponents", external "distractions", and internal " stress or illness" ? Players are utterly convinced they are never to blame. Magical thinking as always will provide them with an answer or an excuse: " The reason I fouled up was that partner's previous cock-up was still preying on my mind ! " In some instances, as a the last resort players will lay blame on their failure to observe a superstitious rule.....or their failure to bring along his/her lucky charm/ item of clothing. These shocking oversights clearly warranted punishment from those they offended. Many will complain about being made to sit in the "wrong seat", which was always likely to be a bad omen, where bad luck and misfortune must surely follow. Therefore, when magical thinking enters their minds, the altered state of reality sets in. Victims of this phenomenon become easy to recognise, for they all possess the one same characteristic.......the erroneous perception that they are all experts. Indeed, I once played in a match where the opposing team was made up of 8 so-called experts. We won 20-0, but their universal response ( and thinking ) endorsed the notion that " because none of hands suited their particular bidding systems, the fickle hand of fate was clearly against them".....and that "voices in their head told them to do all the wrong things ". Without doubt, in their tapestry of their minds, the threads of magical thinking and insanity are closely entwined .

YOU KNOW YOU ARE OVER THE HILL WHEN...........

• asked to cut the pack, you call out for a pair of scissors
• sitting in the pass out seat means exactly that
• you define a good hand as the one that can actually keep hold of the cards
• a prolonged hesitation causes others to call for a doctor rather than the TD
• half-way through the play of the hand you asked to be reminded what the trump suit is
• partners start to congratulate you whenever your declarer play earns a 50% board
• after playing a spade on the first round of clubs, you accuse all the other three of revoking
• you are given a sitting seat even though you didn't ask for one
• your opponents mistake your comatose moments as unethical hesitations
• you start arranging the your hand into 5 suits: black, red, black, red, black......
• your % scores continue to move in the opposite direction to your age
• asked " when's the next movement due ? ", you reply " when I next spend a penny "

( More observations by Pun )

HOW OBSERVANT ARE YOU.........( Problem set by Bridgemeister Gibson ) Bridge is a game which requires players to be logical thinkers, who must strive to remain alert and observant all the time. This is especially true in the case of spotting your partner's count signals and suit preference discards. In each of the following 6 hands, a logical but unusual design rule has been applied, thereby giving each hand a distinct but peculiar characteristic. Can you spot the distinctly odd characteristic in each of the following hands, identifying the design rule that created it ? Answers will appear in a later post. ( Suits from left to right are : spades, hearts, diamonds, clubs )

• ( a ) : A10743........Q98......KJ52.......6
• ( b ) : 10532..........853.......972.........642
• ( c ) : A975...........842.......1062.......A53
• ( d ) : AK10976.....(void).....QJ104....1053
• ( e ) : K832..........10853......AQ.......1097
• ( f ) : Q84............QJ10......Q963.....10864

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES.................................... Over the years, bridge players have come to me with all sorts of rare and unusual disorders, and many of them are variations of the tourette's syndrome. This particular one has always fascinated me and my colleagues, because those afflicted with THE BLUE-BLUE SYNDROME can not stop themselves making utterances that are either (i) blue in nature ...or in less extreme cases (ii) constantly refering to the colour blue. This syndrome is most unusual in that both players within a partnership are affected simultaneously.....but in completely different ways. The stronger player, once blighted with this disorder, soon develops a tendency to devise and create bids ( during an auction ) which he foolishly expects his partner to interpret and understand. But, sadly for him, the syndrome causes the weaker partner to develop a tendency whereby he becomes befuddled, confused, and even blinded by these bizarre and novel bids. Inevitably, he arrives at all the wrong conclusions about their intended meanings. So whilst he is muttering to himself " What in the blue blazes is that bid all about ? " , his opposite number is also muttering under his breath " What the blue blazes is his problem.....my bid can only have one meaning......which even an idiot could figure out ! " And so these utterences will continue all through the session as the syndrome takes a stronger hold. All too often, the syndrome begins to exacerbate the stronger player's dislike for straight-forward bidding, leading him into the realms of free improvised, creative, inspired ..almost fantasy bids. However, sitting opposite, we see a player developing a much higher incidence of error-prone behaviour. Naturally, the stronger player now feels compelled to start leveraging on his bidding superiority, which is in sharp contrast to the ever growing inferiority complex developing in his partner. Arguments between them become far more frequent as the syndrome enters its third phase. The last and final phase is observed when board results really start to plummet downwards. Now, even more creative bids are made in a vain attempt to bring about a change in fortune. As the syndrome descends into a fully blown vicious circle, their exchange of views intensifies into screaming blue murder at each other.....before moving onto the rapid non-stop barrage of unrepeatable blue expletives.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE OVER THE HILL WHEN..............

• it takes two or more tries to get up from your seat to move to the next table
• your idea of weight-lifting is standing up
• the only swinging you can do now is limited to a few wild bids
• the club's 60th anniversary prompted you to recall its first
• your idea of a good night out is a trip to the bridge club
• pulling your hair out in exasperation now ceases to be an option
• remarks about your shuffling have nothing to do with dealing the cards
• opponents ask you to stop "your chattering " but you've not said a thing
• on hearing the bell, you immediately go outside to line up for morning assembly
• it hurts to think
• your idea of " getting lucky " refers to the pulling in an unlikely contract
• comments about your trumps have nothing to do with your card holding

( Observations provided by Pun )

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY.........................................

• Weak two: a particular period in every month you have arranged to play with one of your regular partners
• Switch : something you would like to activate to light up partner's brain
• Bullet : a small missile-shaped silvery object, on which to etch partner's name on before despatching it to him direct
• Cold : the feeling that comes over you when watching your clueless partner go down in a seemingly rigid contract
• Squeeze : an action you cannot stop yourself from taking when feeling cold ( see above ). This automaton-like action only occurs after first placing your hands around your partner's throat.
• Jump bid : direct request for bedtime frolics
• Reverse bid : the term first came to prominence in the early days of bridge, when bidding boxes were not around. Players, for instance, who held 4 or more clubs ( but lacking honours in the suit ) would open a reverse "club one". This told partner precisely how poor the suit was, as compared to the " one club " that promised so much more.
• Trump echo : a repeated bowel sound a defending player would need to generate, so as to pass onto partner a whiff about his precise holding in declarer's boss suit
• Elimination (play ) : another term that originated from the gangster days of Chicago bridge, when after kindly providing hopeless (ex-)partners with their own personalised concrete shoes, a fun drive out to a deep lake or river was the following up surprise

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG.........................................................................

• Dear Rebecca, For several years now I have been playing bridge with my husband , John.....and never on any occasion have we ever scored above 50%. He has of course had other regular partners in the past, but many of these have taken your own lives. The last one, the police found his abandoned car but not his body. However, inside the car there was some semblance of a suicide note note hurriedly written on the back of his most recent scorecard ( John was his partner, of course) .....which enquiries later revealed was a 28% session !! Infact, over the years club membership has fallen dramatically with so many of John's former- partners all choosing to uproot sticks and move abroad.
• As much as I love him, as a bridge partner there is no one worse. He has developed the art of playing poor bridge to perfection. Yet his passion for the game remains unabated. He spends all his time away from the club, reading countless bridge books on how to do the most complex and difficult declarer plays imaginable..... but in the process completely loses touch with the basics of the game. He once found himself in a rigid grand slam with 13 tricks on top. Yet he was hell-bent on engineering his latest discovery, the three-suit strip squeeze. This he actually achieved after conceding a trick to his opponents first in order to rectify the count. Not only that, it seems that every cold contract always had hidden dangers, which his expert analysis is able to detect. Again, there was one instance he assumed the outstanding trumps were breaking 5-0, with his RHO holding all five. Gasps of amazement echoed around the room when on the first round of trumps he led his 2 of hearts from dummy up to his AKQ95, only to cover his RHO's 4 with the 5 !! His LHO with his doubleton 7-2 took a minute or two to realize he had actually won the trick !!
• So Im asking you dear Rebecca for a simple piece of advice...... Is it John who needs help....or is it me? Yours don't know what to do for the best, Sheila Downing
• Dear Sheila, That letter of yours was a harrowing read. You should definitely put yourself forward for the EBU's "Most Long Suffering Partner Award". You already have my vote. As for your husband, he seems beyond help, destined to remain a prat for the rest of his bridge days. You ,on the other hand, need to follow the lead of all his former-partners and move away for good. Your sanity and salvation requires you to follow the steps of every sane women, who like you ended up marrying complete duffer, but decided to do something about it . There is nothing wrong about divorcing someone, who has already separated himself from you. His separation from reality makes him completely unaware.....not only of his gross limitations as a bridge playing partner ...but also of his gross adequacies as a husband. Yours giving it to you straight, Rebecca

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG........................ Just recently I have had many letters and e-mails from concerned club officials, who fear that many newcomers are completely over-awed by their initial introduction into the world of duplicate bridge. Each one tells of a friend, who has developed a growing inferior complex from regularly seeing how badly his/her game is..... when compared to partner's. Such is the extent of their psychological damage, nearly all have come to believe that they are utterly useless at the game ( when in fact that is not the case ). With so many so ready to give up bridge so soon, club officials have become extremely worried. Clearly, the problem is more widespread than I had imagined. In every club there must be dozens of new players whose fragile confidence is being mercilessly eroded by superior players, who inadvertently expose all their short-comings and failings. Well, I have been asked for advice...and now it's time to put my reputation on the line................................................. Over the last few weeks, I have been scouring the country to find band 6 players who have always been completely hopeless at the game, but conversely through their blind arrogance, self-delusion and denial believe that they are experts. In essence we are talking about players who are clueless to the point of embarrassment, but display all the airs and graces of international grandmasters. Using the pretext of recruiting " professional mentors to help bring on up-and-coming players with tact and discretion "......I had no problem persuading hundreds of these people to sign up onto my books, such was their gullibility and outrageous vanity. Now, if anyone out there really wants to help someone who has developed this debilitating inferiority complex, then you must book one of my "so-called " professional mentors to play with these damaged newcomers. Then their journey on that road to recovery and self-belief will quickly get underway. Moreover, under the contract they have with me, these pseudo experts will only get training with regards to treating their needy partners with complete respect and extreme politeness. So by contracting my office, you can book one for just a single session, or better still regular weekly/monthly arrangements. This service guarantees discretion, so your involvement will of course remain secret. These professional mentors will of course believe they are being selected for their expertise, and will be more than happy to help bring on less able individuals up to their standards ( joke ) . However, because they are the ones who are so inferior at the game, the newcomers in crisis will be pleasantly surprised to see mistakes being made by these mentors, revelling in the knowledge that their game is so much better in comparison. Feeding these newcomers with great big dollops of "superiority-inducing" medicine will work wonders. At no time, will the professional mentors be allowed to develop their bridge competence. This ensures that it takes only a few hands for the newcomers to dispel any lingering inhibitions they had about themselves . The recovering newcomers will of course be disappointed with the inevitable poor results that come their way, but they will feel so much better about themselves when they know their game is now so much stronger than their supposedly more illustrious partners. However, as soon as the old inferior complex makes way for an unshakeable belief that they are infact better players than they first thought, the bookings should be cancelled immediately. So don't delay any longer, call in my cavalry.............Rebecca Rood.

ACBL MEMBER REJECTS PUN'S CHOICE OF THE WORLD'S TOP TEN BRIDGE BOOKS

• Learning To Play Bridge Is Hard Work.....Manuel Laber
• Is Bidding Risky Slams Your Style ?........ Sonya Oanhead
• Develop Your Bridge Potential.................Bud N. Starr
• I'm Not Taking The Piss, Partner !............Jimmy Riddle
• Bridge For Whimps..................................Cissy Boyes
• On The Verge Of Victory..........................Felix Cited
• What's The Latest Bridge Scandal ?...........Phil Mehin
• Sorry, I'm Messing About, Partner...........Tom Foolery
• Bridge Really Gets Me Down.....................Sue E. Sydall
• I Much Prefer Pairs..................................Teresa Croud

JOHNNY SHOWS HIS TRUE COLOURS............................ This particular hand saw Johnny at his Supremo best. The auction started with his RHO opponent opening one heart, which was followed by a Michaels-type 2 hearts by partner. A few bids later, he soon find himself being declarer in a small club slam. Johnny was looking down at:. (void).....Q97653.....A54.....KQ103..... opposite dummy's hand, which came up with:.....AQJ953.....(void)........Q6.......AJ985. Three others had also reached this contract but had failed to make it. Could our Johnny show them how. West infact made the best lead available to him...... of a low heart away from his Ace, which Johnny duly ruffed in dummy. One declarer had tried to established hearts. Doomed ! For East was sitting there with his stiff King of hearts and four trumps to the 7. Two declarers focussed their attention on spades, one trying to establish the suit, while the other pinned her hopes on a successful running finesse against East's King ...but none of these lines proved either sensible or profitable. The maestro saw no problems whatsoever....because he could count to 12 ! Nine ruffs, two diamonds and one spade would see the contract home. So the opening heart lead was ruffed in dummy, followed by the spade Ace discarding a heart. At trick 3 came a spade ruff. Next a low diamond was confidently led towards the queen. Johnny had noticed the play of East's king of hearts at trick one, and therefore concluded the King of diamonds was surely with West. West as expected jumped in with the King, only to lead another heart, which was ruffed with dummy's 8. The queen of diamonds was immediately cashed, and another low spade was ruffed in hand with the 10. Then came the Ace of diamonds ( spade discarded ). And now all that was required was a simple cross-ruff that saw a forlorn and dejected East under-ruffing 4 times. As Johnny pointed out to his adoring admirers, " I always look for a line that succeeds against the worst trump break, and the most likely location of the enemy's key cards ". What a player......what a man.

WHAT IF POLITICAL CORRECTNESS ENTERS THE WORLD OF BRIDGE ?...........( Article by Bridgemeister GIbson )

This pervasive institutional initiative has always filled me with much apprehension and dread. As soon as one mentions political correctness, I immediately begin to groan and sink into abject despair. Without doubt, political correctness can go too far, for it has no boundaries. The whole PC thing can become a nightmare for any bridge club........ blighting the lives of its members forever. Once PC rules are implemented, the right to free speech will have been completely taken away. But hey, don't get me wrong : I like most people never want to make or hear remarks that are vile, sexist, racist, cruel, vindictive and upsetting, all of which are extremely tactless and well out of order. Members of bridge clubs should always exercise great care and discretion about what we say to ( and about ) others. Any words which carry negative or insulting connotations should be avoided if possible.

However, PC crusaders tend to seize upon every word they consider even mildly inappropriate. They will see in any word, no matter how harmless, an offensive or demeaning connotation. Even the glossary of bridge terms will come under sustained attack. Campaigners would vehemently argue that the term "dummy" needs replacing. For them, the dummy infers a person who is nothing more than a complete moron or dunce......such are the obvious connotations of the word. A manikin without a brain. Their solution would be to replace it with the political correct " non-participating player ". And what of other bridge terms, which will undoubted get up their PC noses?

Perhaps "black" suits will need to be redefined as " non-red "......."queens" as " female monarchs ".........."spades" as " labour intensive soil removers "...and so on. And as for bridge terms with sexual connotations, PC fanatics will have a field day : rubber, game, quick trick, jump, entry, protection, lay down.....are just some of the words that will immediately require more appropriate and less suggestive synonyms.

Yet, the real damage these dimented crusaders can cause is when insults have to be completely sanitised. In the world of bridge, insults are commonplace. Bridge banter would be lost without them. Well crafted insults reflect members' ingenuity and wit. Mischievous and cheeky banter adds to the richness of the game. Comic quips, sarcasm and sharp wit are to be applauded......not outlawed. Heaven forbid if we are unable to use the phrase "he's off his head"..........for this could be seen to imply a temporary loss of sanity and/or rational thinking, or worse still a diagnosis that the accused person is completely insane. PC campaigners will urge members to apply a much more tactful remark, such as " his differently logical approach possibly indicates there are moments where his grasp of reality is severely challenged " .

So I would now like to leave everyone who plays club bridge with this final observation. If the PC brigade triumph, never be heard to say : " I'm pissed off...my lunatic partners completely misunderstand my bids. Most are ignorant about what they mean, while others are guilty of making lazy but incorrect interpretations. Yet that's nothing compared to my opponents - the cheating dogs, who without a doubt need a right good bollocking ". Instead, if well-versed in PC lingo , one should say : " Satisfaction depreviation overwhems me. My partners' personalised interpretations of my bids suggest that some are factually unencumbered with my system card, while others are prone to motivational dispossessions, which may lead them to make alternative, logically dysfunctional interpretations. Moreover, opponents who enter into co-operative assignments, displaying ethically disorientated tactics, deserve all the self-esteem reduction responses that come their way".

Mark my words.....unless this threat is nipped in the bud, conversation at bridge clubs will never be the same again. Eventually, a few years down the line, members will either be saying nothing to each other in fear of breaching PC guidelines, or speaking to one another in a language that is completely double-dutch.....or should I say " the Netherlands revisited ".

BRIDGE CLUB DISCIPLINARY SUB-COMMITTEE MEETING No. 53.... At long last Bigot-Johnson had been caught out. This time he was in big trouble, after one member took it upon herself to report an alleged infringement at her table involving a rather dubious bidding tactic. The nature of the complaint centred on the use of an illegal convention, cleverly devised ( and apparently frequently used ) by Bigot. This allegation had finally come before the committee members, who were very keen to hear his side of the case. An extract from the hearing's transcript can be seen below:

• Com : " Can you please confirm the following facts relating to this incident ? On board 17, your RHO opponent opened one heart, whereupon you stepped in with an under-call of 1D !! After the TD was called, it was agreed by all parties for you to make the bid good.......which you duly did by converting to 2 diamonds."
• B-J : " Correct......but what is so wrong about that ? "
• Com : " Your RHO opponent could not help but notice your partner's marked reluctance to enter the bidding despite his 3 card diamond support and useful values. Had he sussed that your original under-bid reflected a poor hand with a poor suit ? "
• B-J : " You would have to ask him that question. I couldn't possibly comment."
• Com : " Well, our enquiries have shown that you have made this type of under-call on several other occasions when the 5 card suit is weak. Yet... all your 2 over 1 overcalls reveal a suit which is of excellent quality. Even impartial observers would have grave doubts about your bidding being ethical...let alone honest."
• B-J : " Co-incidences, I would like to remind you, are more commonplace than you think. On some occasions I clearly missed the opening bid , and of course , if the vulnerability is favourable I will always try and stick a bid in, no matter how weak the hand, and how wretched the suit."
• Com : " That is how you may see it, but our evidence does suggest a pattern...."
• B-J : " Well, that may be difficult to prove...for you muppets"
• Com : " Perhaps not....because your rather astute opponents decided to pick up your abandoned convention card from the waste paper bin.......and although it had been torn to shreds following your usual pique of anger, it was carefully pieced together to reveal a most unusual acronym listed amongst " other conventions". The acronym in particular was SCUD (as in missile). So please enlighten us as to what it stands for ? "
• B-J : " No idea...I've completely forgot."
• Com : " Thankfully for us, your partner on that night has a much better recall of it.......and his explanation was that it stands for SUIT CRAP DELIBERATELY UNDERBID......He also recalls you waxing lyrical about how neat it was..... in that he would know exactly what type of overcall hand you have. And on that startling and shocking evidence we are obliged to ban you from all club competitions for the next six months. Have you anything you would like to say...? "
• B-J : " Bugger...bugger...bugger..."

EBU APPROVED BRIDGE BOOKS.......................( By Pun )

• I'm The Best Known Bridge Player In Ireland........Toby Shaw
• Outdated Bidding Systems And Strategies..........Anne Teak
• Too Much Bridge Can Make You Unwell..............Jay Didd
• Computer Dealt Hands Caused Massive Revolt....Pam D. Monium
• Rubber Bridge:To Play On Or Settle Up ?............Collette Watts-Owen
• No Wonder We're Losing Partner........................Ulrika Ginn
• Johnny Supremo......What A Man !.....................Eain R. Fansom
• Finding Ways To Challenge TD's Decisions.........Lou Pole
• Give Me Some Slack, Partner............................Lee Whey
• I 'd Rather Be A Big Fish In A Small Pond.......... Adolf Finn