WHERE DOES BEASTLY BEHAVIOUR IN BRIDGE COME FROM ?..................... ( Article by none other than the Professor himself..... the one and only Hu Chi Ku Chi man )

As an academic and avid researcher, I have pondered long and hard over this question, but all too often failing to reach any plausible conclusion. However, thanks to a learned colleague of mine ( who lent me a wonderful book on Pseudo science ) I am now convinced I have the answer. Although Victor Mollo and David Bird may have observed that many bridge players display animal characteristics, both had remained unbelievably oblivious to the connection with LYCANTHROPY. This is defined as "the act of transformation from a human into an animal". The term Lycanthropy comes from the Greek words for wolf (lukos) and human (anthropos). The Greeks had noticed that those participating in highly competitive events metamorphosed into hissing, cackling, howling, snarling, grunting, bellowing, shrieking, yelping, baying, snapping animals.......all known for their predatory instincts, aggressive behaviour, and an ability to instil both fear and terror upon their intended victims.

Indeed, Lycanthropy has been described in many historical writings, including the Greek classic Satyricon, Saint Augustine's 4th century work The city of God, not to mention numerous medieval accounts. Last minute research by myself has revealed that the best examples of recent lycanthropic incidents have all come from the competitive and claustrophobic arenas of the bridge world.

Early beliefs suggest that lycanthrops can wilfully and magically transform themselves into animals. But these were proved wrong when it was medically established that bridge competitors turned into animals involuntarily.........when exp[osed to cometitive arenas where colossal amounts of "collective" testosterone was in the air, fuelled by dangerously high expectations, and fierce determination to win. So when large numbers of players enter the cramped accommodation of bridge venues, driven by a combination of competitive zeal and superiority complexes, then it comes as no surprise that many will succumb involuntarily to such transformations. As soon as the animal personae takes over, feelings of animousity towards both partners and opponents quickly follow.

But why is the presence of lycanthropy so prevalent in the world of bridge? Well, for some players who regard themseves as superior, they quickly recognise that operating as a pack ( ie. in a team) hunting becomes not only easier, but far more enjoyable. By perceiving less able players as "rabbits" their predatory animal instincts become so overwhelming, the transformation is both immediate and unavoidable. Jungian psychology has always claimed that lycanthropy represents the emergence of the archetypal carnivorous beast, which manifests itself in sadistic behaviour. Every single human being has been found to have this archetypal beast lurking within his/her psyche, but as my research shows it is playing bridge that so easily brings out this predatory beast in man.

However, there is one theory that suggests that lycanthropy stems from mental illness. If that is the case then, it is no coincidence that bridge players with all their appalling and tragic psychological disorders, afflictions and conditions succumb to such transformations. Although Dr. John has identified countless disorders affecting bridge players in their thousands, he too has also failed to make the connection with this strange and disturbing phenomenon.

So is it possible for bridge players to develop symptoms well short of any full-blown transformation ? Well, there was a reported case at Wolverhampton BC where a 60 year-old member started barking, grimacing, and growling at partners and opponents alike, whilst vehemently denying that he had turned into an animal. But the consensus of opinion clearly favoured the view that lycanthrops do not have any awareness of self-change, or their newly acquire animalistic traits.

Hopefully, this article will help every bridge player who falls victim to such transformations to console themselves that their beastly behaviour is not their fault. It's the game of bridge which is responsible. More importantly, it might help others to accept and forgive those who are driven to behave aggressively and petulantly. The sad truth is beastly behaviour in bridge can never be eliminated because bridge clubs provide the perfect environment , or should I say den, for lycanthropy to rear its ugly head.

( For any readers who doubt the authenticity and accuracy of my findings, then I suggest they read the " Review on Lycanthropy" as published in the Jan 1989 edition of the Journal Of The Royal Society Of Medicine, written by T.A. Fahy of Bethlem Royal and Maudsley Hospital London.)

A WORD FROM THE MAN HIMSELF......................................................... ( Me, the Bigot ) This blog has now clocked up its 300th post, and I must say I am more than pleased with the interest shown in it to date. What with 2100 profiles views in just over 5 months, it just goes to show that quite a few blog-reading bridge enthusiasts who are at least prepared to see the world of bridge from another point of view...........and marvel at its limitless capacity to be both bizarre and absurd. For instance, the cluster map shows I have aroused quite a bit of interest in Venezuala, which in itself is rather strange.......but very heartwarming nevertheless. Anyway, to all those you have continued to check this site out and enjoy reading some of the stuff that appears, I thank you all. So coming up over the next few months will be another veritable motherlode of gut wrenching nonsense to turn your previously active, supple smooth bridge minds into something resembling compost heaps. Indeed, there is nothing on God's earth quite like Carp, Rebecca Rood, Pun, Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber and Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi.....gifted in their ability to produce insulting guilt-ridden drivel.... to render their readers completely speechless.

BRIDGE BOOKS : THE LATEST "MUST HAVE" RELEASES FOR 2010......... ( By Pun )

• Why Is It I Never Get To Play Cold Contracts ?............................Luke Worme
• Bridge Scandals : The Fishy Goings-On .....................................Ann Chovis
• Gorge Yourself On Bridge..........................................................Laurel Canyon
• Play Bridge................................................................................Ann N. Joy
• Bridge Celebrity Receives The Ultimate Accolade........................Oscar A. Ward
• The ABC Of Bridge................................................................... I. J. Kay
• Passive Bidding Is Losing Bridge................................................Mark Mywords
• When You're Really Up Against It..............................................Baxter Thewalls
• Painting Over The Cracks In Your Game.....................................Matt Finnish
• Here's A Few Bedtime Bridge Stories.........................................R. U. Reddy

REBECCA ROOD SPEAKS OUT...................................................................

Not so long ago I noticed an article on this blog where Bigot-Johnson for once made a valid point. This concerned the ludicrous way the EBU has set up a masterpoint ranking system. The absurdity of only moving players up an endless multi-rung ladder, basing their progress on how many green pointed events they attended, rather than on their final positions, beggars belief. Moreover, none of the ranks below grand master give, in my view, any true and accurate indication about the current ability levels of the players involved.

Well, the less said on that topic the better. However, this does lead me onto another major bone of contention I have with the EBU. Why, oh why, in God's name haven't the EBU shown any foresight, courage and wisdom to rank players instead in accordance with their psychopathic tendencies. Why this idea has never crossed their minds is completely beyond me, when they seem hell-bent to clean up the tarnished image of the game. Most ordinary players of a quiet, gentle, sensitive, warm and welcoming disposition have no interest whatsoever in knowing where their opponents are up the EBU ranking ladder.......but what they would like to know is whether or not they are in the presence of bridge psychopaths.....big and small.

So this is what I suggest. The EBU must devise a system of collating all club incidents of reported bad behaviour, along with their own reports from events run by themselves . This will enable a profiling data base to be set up where serial offenders begin to clock up a large number of penalty points. Points can be awarded for all manner of histrionics at the table......not to mention tantrums, verbal and physical abuse, rudeness, unpleasant behaviour, and other minutiae of weirdness, regularly exhibited by such anti-social and dangerous people.

Therefore, within months, the EBU can then impose on certain offenders the requirement to wear a BPR ( Bridge Psychopathic Rating ) badge, which initially will identify and certify all those with unpleasant psychopathic tendencies. But the best bit is that all badges will carry a number from 1-100 which represents in essence the severity of their condition. In fact the number might well correlate to the level of loathing and disgust that a badge-carrier could easily generate in others. Players would be obliged to wear their current ( up-dated) badges as a pre-condition of playing in any competitive event. Failure to wear a badge would, of course, invalidate their scores, and possibly their EBU membership. So whenever a BPR badge-holder comes to a table, the opponents will have a pre-warning of the potential risks of doing or saying anything untoward. This advance knowledge may help them to get through the set of boards unscathed.

Hopefully, these badges of shame will quickly bring about a complete culture change within this offending community. Moreover, the badge system could be extended to players of a delicate, fragile, and sensitive nature, who would wear their own TR ( Tolerance Rating ) badges. On these they could put their own number from 1-100 which reflects their tolerance level. As a result, high score BPR badge-holders will have to be on their best behaviour if they come across low score TR badge-holders. If any incident were to happen, tournament directors would quickly realise the seriousness of the situation: being the extent of one player's psychological vulnerability, as opposed to the extent of the psychological threat posed by the other. Indeed, the discrepancy between the two values will flag up and possibly expose the SC ( Shocking Conduct ) risk, which exists at that table. Quiet words by an observant TD passing by, before play begins, could nip any potential incidents in the bud.

Is anyone out there from the EBU listening......?

BIGOT-JOHNSON IN TROUBLE AGAIN : BC DISCIPLINARY SUB-COMMITTEE HEARING No.78...............................................Following a recent intercity match Bigot-Johnson was ordered to attend a hurriedly convened hearing to explain his outburst as the non-playing captain. With the match result in the balance, the penultimate board 31 proved a disaster for the team. Both the N/S pairs came back with -600 on their card after the opposition on both their tables bid and made 3NT. Then, when the two E/W pairs returned they too had -600 on their cards having suffered the same result. Bigot could not contain himself, and accused them all of being complete idiots for collectively allowing 3NT to be made on every table....... by all of their opponents. A transcript of the short hearing was as follows.

Committe chairman (CC) : " Do you accept Bigot you were a little rash with your conclusions, and that your outrageous histrionics were out of order ? "

B-J : " Yes, of course I lost it.....but wouldn't you. How on earth was it possible that on 4 tables, the opponents bid and made 3NT on this same hand...... in every direction...N,S,E and W. It had to be impossible....unless idiots were defending."

CC : But it happened.....and there is no defence available whatsover to defeat 3NT, irrespective of who is on lead and what card is led at trick one. If you had bothered to look at the hand instead of sounding off, you would have seen that for yourself."

B-J : " I don't believe you...... I need to see this hand ? " ( At this point Bigot is shown the hand which revealed the following layout:

• North: Q109.....A8765432....KJ.....(void)
• East: KJ....(void)....A876542....Q109
• South: A8765432...Q109...(void)....KJ
• West: (void)....KJ...Q109....A8765432 )

CC : " So given the perfect symmetry, we only need to analyse one declarer, to see how 3NT makes on any lead. Take South for instance. On a club lead from West, declarer will take the trick pitching a spade from dummy ( North) to unblock the suit. And with the club suit blocked South can now turn to spades by playing low from both hands. Once in, East can switch to clubs but only two tricks are possible in this suit for the defence. Again with East back on lead, he can only lead a diamond back. This allows entry to the North hand, and now the spade can be overtaken by South to rattle off 7 winners in this suit to make the contract. And should West lead a heart...or a diamond.......well, if it's the latter then declarer is able to unblock the hearts, and with both diamonds and hearts blocked for the defence, declarer has time to set up hearts and harvest 9 tricks. On a heart lead, declarer rattles off 3 hearts, before playing the Ace of spades and another. Now with a third spade as entry, he cannot be stopped from gaining access to all those lovely hearts in dummy. "

B-J: " Well, I never....so If any one of my players had got in a no trump bid ....and be allowed to play there..... then 9 tricks were always there for the taking."

CC : " Yes..."

BJ: " Well, all I can say is that my team of bumbledogs should have sacrificed in 4NT for a cheap -200 save."

CC : " Good point....but that observation doesn't alter the fact that your dreadful behaviour requires us to strip you of your captaincy, and impose a one year ban on you with respect to having any involvement in intercity matches. "

BJ: " Bugger......."

E-MAIL TO DR. JOHN FROM THE WALNUT TREE ALLOTMENT BRIDGE CLUB.....

• Dear Dr. John, I was really fascinated by your recent blog on the Scatalogica Turdis affliction. Boy, did it ring a bell. Why, even within our own club which has a very small membership indeed, we have someone who has this affliction big time. For instance, every time he enters the club on a Thursday night he asks the same question : " I've no partner.....are there are floaters standing by ? " We have never known this man to make a statement without some word or phrase of a scatalogical nature being present. So thank you very much at putting our minds to rest, as to why he behaves this way. Yours Ivor Rumpole

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : SCATALOGICA TURDIS This strange unfortunate affliction is mercifully rare but tragically untreatable. Bridge players, who are predisposed to becoming victims of this disorder, all possess a tendency to be verbally volatile whenever aroused, or annoyed in any way. This distressing disorder makes them prone to using toilet language, without ever realising that they are doing so. They seem to go into an auto-pilot mode, where the sub-conscious takes over. And now quite bizarrely, every single negative remark they make is completely in keeping with someone with a cess-pit of a mind. Comments seem only to contain expletives that have a reference, association or pre-occupation with faeces. As yet no medical reasons can be put forward as to the reason why expletives have only this one common link, especially when the victims seem unaware of the language they are using. Explained by them as unintentional and coincidental faux pas, they seem surprised and horrified as everyone else by this discovery. But nothing seems to stop from spewing out statements of frustration and exasperation, such as:

• Shit...I really balls-ed that hand up
• All I keep picking up is crap
• This is a bum deal
• I hate bottoms
• Don't arse around against these two, partner
• I think I'll poo poo that idea
• That was a completely potty thing to do
• You need to push harder, partner
• It's easy to say with hindsight
• I want you to do two things: No.1.............No.2
• Oh yes, remember to log on....
• Please do...do as I tell you
• No, I'll remained seated here....I prefer stools
• I'm so fed up with my partner, I'm gonna dump him
• We're just behind the leaders

WHAT A MUPPET JOHNNY IS............................................( Article by Bigot-Johnson ) Joy upon joy....Bigot 1 Johnny Supremo O.....yes, finally I've managed to stick one on him.....or should I say my novice partner did. The crucial board that won us the club championship pairs was when my partner played in 4H against Johnny. As dummy, my hand was xx....AQJ....AKxx....A108x, opposite my partner's xx....Kxxxx....J109x...Q9. Normally, novice partners like him see 10 tricks by way of 1C, 5H, and 4D, should either the diamond finesse work or there's a stiff queen around. But no he didn't go straight for the finesse, because he had been reading Johnny's blogs on how to look for extra chances before resorting to such a speculative option. The opponents kicked off by taking the first two spade tricks, before switching to a heart which was taken in dummy. So partner decided to clear hearts first ending up in hand. Unbelievably, he had spotted a superior line of play, by electing to go for clubs. If West held the king, he would be obliged to cover the queen ( Ace from dummy ), leaving the nine to force out the jack. Then dummy's two established clubs would neatly get rid of two diamonds, for no losers in that suit. If the queen of clubs lost to the king in the East hand, then there's still a remote chance the jack might fall under the Ace ( if it started out as a doubleton ). Since the king of clubs was with West, the doomed diamond finesse was never taken, and partner rolled in 10 tricks by way of 5H, 2D, and 3C. Johnny had been hoisted on his own petard. What a muppet..........

MOMENTS IN BRIDGE WHEN YOU WANT TO CRAWL AWAY AND DIE.....( By Carp )

• Partner pre-empts (vulnerable) on a poor suit opposite your void
• You double a part-score only to see dummy ruffing your opening lead of an Ace
• Your opponents display far more knowledge about your hand than your empty-headed partner
• Partner removes your juicy penalty double, convinced it was for take out
• Partner passes your rescue " for mercy's sake please find another bid" redouble
• You end up in part-score contract after an uncontested auction.... only to see your opponents awarding themselves a top even before a single card has been played
• Having just replied to a 5NT bid to inform partner about your king holding, it suddenly dawns on you that bid was meant as a sign off
• By failing to play trumps when you had the chance, you allow the opponent with the singleton 2 of trumps to score an unexpected ruff
• Partner passes your splinter bid
• Your futile psyche has only encouraged partner to leap to slam.......only to see the opponents gleefully double.....but then a bigger disaster awaits you when your moron-of-a-partner redoubles !!

IT'S A HARD LIFE AS A BEGINNER.....................( Says Bridgemeister Gibson ) Countless amusing stories emerge from the bizarre world of bridge, but that's not surprising given the fact that millions of people play the game week in week out. So if all these people get through tens of thousands of hands in their lifetime, there are bound to be some comic tragedies played out that make for great story telling. One of my all time favourites involved a club expert instructing his pupil about a particular type of cue-bid: if the opponents open one of a major, then a cue bid over-call in that suit at the 3 level says: " I have a long solid minor, so if you partner have a stopper in this major.....bid 3NT ". When paired together a few weeks later, the pupil initiated that same bidding sequence, when he duly bid 3S over his opponent's 1S opener. The club expert with his spade stop bid a confident 3NT, only to find himself doubled and vulnerable..................going 6 off for minus 1700. He turned to his pupil querying the fact that all he had for his bid was the Ace of spades. " Oh, did I get it wrong. I thought you told me that 3S meant that if I had a stopper, you were to bid 3NT if you had a long solid minor ."

BIGOT-JOHNSON .......POETIC GENIUS.......OR WHAT ? Many bloggers include snippets from the world of poetry and literature to input a bit of style, culture and class to their otherwise predictable blogs. And I feel exactly the same....this blog needs to include material that will enable readers to appreciate and admire my poetic genius. So this is my debut poem.........a masterpiece by any criteria.......which I have entitled " This time I really had to put partner down for good ".

The bidding had stuttered to 4H

After much huff and puff

Then came a fatuous double

From a total and utter chuff

The man was off his head

His brains were made of fluff

My hand was bloody mega

And I knew I had enough

To redouble this foolish bid

Which surely was a bluff

But partner's face has lost its colour

Making 4H was way beyond tough

For he had opened ridiculously light

A psyche so useless so utterly duff

What minus 2200 ......I was ready to kill

I had to get vicious....I had to get rough

So first I gave him a thrashing

Before dishing out THE SNUFF

BRIDGE CLUB DISCIPLINARY SUB-COMMITTEE HEARING No.74....

Bigot-Johnson ( who else ) was brought before the committee for a second time in the month, to explain his highly unethical 2NT overcall. The repeated use of this unlicenced bid was in direct defiance of a ban imposed upon him weeks earlier for the same offence . An extract from the hearing appears below:

• Committe chairman (CC) : Could you please recall for the benefit of all those present the expanation you offered the opponents when they enquired about the meaning of your 2NT overcall?
• B-J: I certainly can. There are 4 possibilities after the opponents have opened the bidding 1NT. Firstly, it doesn't promise two long suits.....only one, which you are happy to play in at any level, irrespective of the vulnerability. Partner is obliged to bid 3C if weak, for me to either bid my suit or pass. If he can envisage game he bids 3D and awaits developments. A second possibility is that you have forgotten your defence to 1NT, but you are showing a two suited hand which includes a major, unable of course to identify even one of your 5 card suits. Partner is obliged to bid 3H ( if he has at least 3 in each major ) or bid 4C if looking for the minor suit fit. The third one shows a good hand worthy of 7 to 8 easy tricks, but with a gaping hole somewhere, which you hope partner can plug. Three spades from partner says I can cover one of the black suits, while a 3NT response says I can cover one of the red suits. All this guarantees you to be playing the final 3NT contract. Well, I mean you had Bechkam in your team, wouldn't you always want him to take the free kicks ? The 4th possibility is when none of the first three apply, so it caters for hands where a double is inappropriate and you are at a complete loss as to what to bid. In such circumstances you are wanting partner to pass or bid 3NT as the mood suits him. Although this situation doesn't always produce superb results at the table, it is highly effective in generating heated post mortems....where the real fun of playing bridge is experienced.
• CC : "I have never heard come across a more ludicrous, outrageous and unconventional convention. To even consider using such a preposterous bid is bad enough, but to do so when it was already under a ban beggars belief. This club and its members won't stand for it.....
• B-J : True most will be sitting down at the time...
• CC : Bigot-Johnson... it is my opinion that some of your bidding mechanisms belong in the world of fantasy, designed to turn auctions into a farce belonging to the theatre of the absurd.
• B-J : Shame on you....I am a man who is keen to develop a highly destructive, but highly effective and intelligent bidding system. This bid of mine ( like the 3-way muti 2D bid) is a product of imagination and genius. In fact, I could fill my convention card with dozens more. But I need to experiment, and where better than in the rabbit fields of the Cardinals BC.
• CC : Not so...you either get this damn bid of yours licenced....not a cat in hell's chance....or why not spring it as a surprise on those simple folk that play their bridge at the Walnut Tree Allotment BC, where they probably don't even know what an Orange Book is. As a punishment from contravening the ban, you will be obliged for the next 6 months to play off the club's simple system card, using no other conventions other than those listed.
• B-J: ......Bugger........

BRIDGE AND SUPERSTITION.............................. ( Article by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi ) Superstition has always been associated with card players, ever since card games were first introduced to Europe in the 2nd half of the 14th century. The game of bridge is no exception, and even today superstitious practices take place in bridge clubs the world over.......such is the extent of players' eccentricities and irrational beliefs. Bridge results, unlike chess, often require luck. For many observers, the game is equally as much about chance as it is skill. Which opponents you meet on which boards. Which option you take on a two-way finesse. Whether to play for the drop of the queen or take the finesse. These are typical examples where the prayer mat is called for. In any game where chance and fate play a big part, there are bound to be runs of both good luck and bad luck. This is understood by all bridge players. They expect fluctuations of fortune due to chance, but if anything at all can be done to prolong runs of good luck, or to end runs of bad luck.....then whatever needs to be done must be done. Now of course superstitions come into their own, and if what they recommend works then the verification of those superstitions becomes firmly rooted and established. The past experience of being able to control their fate only reinforces the belief in players that these superstitions work....and therefore must be adhered to with both loving devotion and fanatical resolve. So let's now look at a few superstitions, which even the best players in the world have come to rely on :

• never walk under a ladder, or cross the path of a black cat, prior to entering a bridge venue
• don't start the session at table 13, or in the case of Italians at table 17
• when playing at your club make sure you take the same seat, at the same table number
• always bring with you your lucky charm, amulet, or mascot
• remember to wear the same clothing you had on when you achieved your best-ever result
• carry out the same ritualistic routines before the session commences, and/or during the play
• undertake the whatever steps are needed to lock in good luck, and to drain away bad luck
• follow self-adopted rules that have proved so successful in the past

So what we have to accept is that superstitious beliefs are firmly held by many top class bridge players, who are truly sensitive to the vaguaries of chance. They more than any one believe in the fickle hand of fate, and the importance of enticing Lady Luck to be their constant companion. Indeed, the following quote by Grant Baze ( a most celebrated American bridge expert ) given during an interview for an article in the San Francisco Chronicle reveals the link between superstition and success : " Well, I never regarded myself as a superstitious person.....but that of course changed when I took up bridge seriously ".

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG...........................................................

• Dear Rebecca, Nobody wants to partner me these days. Is it because I incur too many horrendous scores below 40%, or is it due to my unfortunate medical condition that causes acute flatulence ? Yours F. Hartman
• Dear Freddie, I really need to talk to all those you have played with recently, if I'm to get to the bottom of your problem. Yours keeping my distance, Rebecca

LOOK BEFORE YOU LEAP......................................... ( By Johnny Supremo ) Not so long ago I reviewed three situations why taking on a finesse to make the contract is rank poor bridge, especially when better options are available. This hand is a classic example of what I mean. You are playing teams and end up in a vulnerable 3NT contract. The opponents lead out a heart and dummy comes down with: xx...A...AKxxxx...xxxx...while you hold a very tasty and healthy 18 points: AQxxx....Kxx...Qx...AK6. Initially, your eyes light up with the prospect of bringing in 12 tricks, as you envisage 6D,2H, 2C and 2S on a finesse. But look before you leap ! If you rush in like a fool by playing out diamonds straightaway, the possibility of a 4-1 break will certainly take the wind out of your sails. Now with only 3 diamond tricks possible, you'll need the spade finesse to work to see the contract home. But there may be no joy there either. So with egg on your face and a minus 100 to boot, you'll have to return to your team-mates and have a lot of explaining to do. Clearly, in teams it is all about making the game.......forgetting about over-tricks...... focussing more on creating extra chances to secure the contract. The correct line therefore to harvest 9 tricks.......is to test clubs first, hoping for a 3-3 break (using diamonds as an entry to dummy to cash the established 13th club ). On the actual layout of the hand, the clubs did in fact break 3-3, and so this extra chance was well rewarded, since diamonds were 4-1 and the king of spades was off-side. Now you can return to your team-mates having secured 9 tricks ( 3C,3D,2H,1S) and +600 score, hoping it was your opponents who missed this obvious line of play.

FASTASY BRIDGE................................................................ ( By Pun ) The National Pairs final had arrived, and with seven boards to go there were only two pairs in contention, such was their lead over the rest of the field. Santa Claus and Humpty Dumpty were marginally infront of Old Nick himself and his sea-rated partner, Long John Silver. Indeed, Old Nick viewed his partner's bidding to be far too predictable and wooden, and certainly not a patch on his. Santa was feeling incredibly tired and was ready to hit the sack. Humpty Dumpty was doing his best to keep him awake, egging him on at every opportunity. After two flattish boards, the next really generated a swing. Santa, who was sitting North, had picked up a rock crusher. Not surprisingly,the two-notrumps card thudded down on the table. Humpty immediately jumped to 4C ( Gerber ), only for Long John Silver to stick in a double. Santa re-doubled putting Humpty on the spot. But he was not ready to crack just yet.....and taking the re-double to show clubs, he elected to pass. Just as well, as 4C came rolling in plus one, despite Long John having KQJ432 in the suit. The king of clubs opening lead was taken by dummy's Ace, and Humpty then played off seven side-suit winners with everyone following. At trick nine a heart from dummy was ruffed by Humpty's remaining 7 of clubs (having started with 2). Poor old Long John either had to under-ruff or take the trick with the Jack ( which was what he did). However, down to just the Q432, he could only make one more club trick against dummy's remaining 10985. This board had now given Santa a galactic top, putting him in pole position. However, the next two boards went Old Nick's way. Both hands saw Santa bidding and making 5D and 4H. He took too much of a liking to the red suits, because he missed a small slam in clubs on board 4, and 3NT+1 scored better on board 5. By now Humpty had lost his composure and was in pieces. So much so, he completely went into his shell on board 6, failing to open on a poor twelve count. This hand was passed out giving his opponents an above average score. By now, Santa had concluded that enough gifts had been handed out......the time had come to sleigh his opponents for once and for all. He picked up his final hand : and woe upon woe, it was a 3-5-0-5 yarborough, with the void in diamonds. Old Nick opened the bidding with strong 2S, and from the white in Humpty's distraught and despairing eyes it looked as though he had nothing as well. Sure enough Long John responded with an ultra-confident 4NT ( agreeing spades and looking for a slam). But then out-of-the-blue Santa bid 5D !! Long John immediately called for the TD, alleging an improper bid. The TD ruled that Santa was entitled to make any bid he liked, and that he (LJS) wouldn't have a leg to stand on should he make an appeal. Eventually, Old NIck settled in 7S having ascertained that their combined holding included....... all the top trumps, and the top two honours in the three other suits. The sound of 7S tick ringing around in his head was like sweet soul music, but when Humpty led the 6 of diamonds, he was completely knocked for 6...... when Santa ruffed with the 6 of spades. This epic battle was all over.....Santa and Humpty scored yet another top to snatch the trophy away from their rivals at the death. Old Nick turned to his partner..." I'm off.."......" But it's wet outside" replied Long John....." and you stand the rein deer, can you ? ".

BIGOT-JOHNSON'S CHRISTMAS MESSAGE.............................................. Many people who read this blog have often wondered what the Dickens is going on? Why is this blog so lacking in bridge content? By the correspondence I've been getting on my e-mail (pod12@msn.com) you would think that every one of these whingers has a miserable, humourless existence, locked away inside a Bleak House. Indeed, this blog was meant to fulfil the Great Expectations of all its readers, but certainly not one where my team of contributors have endured Hard Times from taking unwarranted criticism and scorn regarding their work. We are all, would you believe, gifted individuals, who embody the tact, diplomacy and refined manners in keeping with The Old English Gentleman. Every person in the team regards the others as Our Mutual Friends.......though I do find Johnny Supremo gets right up my nose.......but thereagain it's Christmas, so I am more than prepared to join in and sing the words ( aptly taken from A Christmas Carol ) " Peace and goodwill to all men " with real conviction. Finally, I would like to say a Special Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to the few readers out there, who truly love us for who we really are.

LAW REPORT : R v. BIGOT-JOHNSON (2009) ( This case came before Sheffield Crown Court, but the precedent that was set now creates serious concern for all predatory bridge players. A summarised transcript of the trial proceedings appears below.)

• Bigot-Johnson, you stand accused of repeated acts of daylight robbery at the bridge tables. How do you plead?
• ( The accused stands up bracing himself before giving a reply.)
• Not guilty....
• Well, is it not true that all the alleged incidents took place during the day?
• Yes, I can't deny that.....
• Is it not also true that one of alleged victims queried on the afternoon in question...why the sun always shone out of your......
• ( Desperate to make sure the statement was never completed, Bigot quickly interjected.)
• Ah...so what if he did?
• You sir, are here to answer my questions....not the other way round. So to continue....the facts are irrefutable. On several occasions you obtained outright tops by various means. These centred upon a never ending barrage of weak overcalls, weak jump overcalls, pre-emptive weak two and weak three openers, psyches, light openers in 3rd position and countless deviations from what was on your system card......all against players who were relatively new to the game.
• Yes, I did gain some fortuitous tops this way.
• ( Gasps of disgust echoed around the public gallery. )
• Does this not amount to daylight robbery?
• Well, not exactly...
• Allow me to continue.......next came all those gifts which you greedily took, courtesy of some very naive, wayward, and clumsy bidding and play by several of the alleged victims........who were nothing more than absolute beginners.
• So what.....taking gifts doesn't make me criminally liable....surely?
• Sorry....but a simple analysis of the situation reveals that you set out to obtain these gifts, knowing full well that you were not entitled to benefit from any of them. So by choosing to deny them the opportunities to correct the errors of their ways....thereby handing these gifts back......your heartless omissions were therefore tantamount to theft by default.
• ( More gasps from the gallery.)
• Yes...yes...yes...but none of this adds up to robbery?
• Or so you think......but now we come onto all those other crazy bids of yours. You chose to use a highly obscure and destructive bidding system.........both unfamiliar and utterly unintelligible to anyone new to the game. This resulted in many of your victims not really knowing what measures to take to counter so many artificial and alertable bids. Consequently, they were put into a state of fear and intimidation......and it is this factor which converts theft into robbery.
• Well...if that how you want to see it ?.....
• Yes, that exactly how I see it.....and by the look of all those approving nods from all those on the bench, that's how everyone else is seeing it.
• Bugger.....

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES................................... As yet the great man is not yet back in full swing, leaving me ....his humble assistant ( Neil ) to publish on the net another one of his astounding pieces of research. One good bit of news is that Dr. John has finally rejected the notion that there are fairies at the bottom of the garden. But it took a great deal of persuasion by the King of the Potato People to convince him otherwise. Anyway, let's move on to one of the most perturbing syndromes ever to be associated with bridge players : THE DOCTOR STRANGELOVE SYNDROME. This is a common name given to a disorder, where a player becomes acutely aware that one of his hands has a mind of its own. It acts in a manner beyond the victim's voluntary control, as if possessed by a malevolent force or spirit. The physical symptoms are easy to see. Victims will inexplicably, and involuntarily, (a) pull out the wrong bid, or bid out of turn, (b) pull out the wrong card, or play out of turn, or ( c) hit out at partner and/or opponents without any justification whatsoever. Dr. John's research indicates that this syndrome has a possible link with a split personality....a Jekyll and Hyde conflict which only seems to surface during a game of bridge. In every case Dr. John has looked at, the victim clearly develops a split personality, where as it seems the malevolent one occasionally wrestles control from the other just for a few fleeting seconds. In that short time frame, he will commit random, mischievous, unpredictable and insane acts, which inevitably prove contrary to what the other would choose. Strangely, when the evil personality is in control, only one part of the body responds......the hand.

BRIDGE CLUB DISCIPLINARY SUB-COMMITTEE HEARING No.71....... No surprise for the committee ( or anyone else for that matter ) to see Bigot-Johnson stroll into the room to respond to a complaint about his "coffee-housing" tactics in a recent club competition. The transcript of the hearing was as follows:

• Committee Chairman (CC) : " Did the alleged incident take place on board 19 ? "
• B-J : " I can't recall..."
• CC : " Well, allow me to remind you of the facts. You are in 3NT and the king of spades was the opening lead. In dummy you see 632...8532....AQ6....K62, opposite your A84....AK6....K842....A94. On top you have 8 certain winners: 1S, 2H, 3D, 2C. A ninth could come from the 4th heart if the suit breaks 3-3, or diamonds, if again the suits breaks evenly.
• B-J : " Yes, that was my analysis..."
• CC : " You correctly decided to duck the first spade noticing an honest East flag up his doubleton holding. At trick two you took the queen of spades with the Ace. Then in a manner more becoming of an actor pushing his claim for an Oscar, you cleverly gave the impression to West that you intended to play another card.........but inadvertently allowed your 3rd spade to drop onto the table face up. Putting on one of your sublime panic-stricken faces, you made an impassioned plea to retrieve the card.....knowing that West ( you has a real dislike for you ) would utterly refuse. This he did ....and never expecting ever to get back in again, it was not surprising to see him snatch the trick and seize this godsend opportunity to rattle off two more winners in the suit. His hand of course was: KQJ107....J9....73...QJ84. The consequence of taking these spade tricks was that his partner was subjected to an excruciating squeeze, having to discard ahead of you......and this enabled you to make all the remaining tricks."
• B-J : " Rather simple play, I thought....... but very sweet.....and extremely satisfying."
• CC : " So did you deliberately drop the that 3rd spade ? "
• B-J : " It fell out of my hand.....and that is all I can tell you. Can I help it if West is a total muppet ? How can I be held accountable for the subsequent carding decisions of my opponents ? "
• CC ; " Do you not accept that if you had played the 3rd spade in a knowing and deliberate way.......West might well have stopped to think: Why is declarer, who knows what he's doing, wanting to concede 3 spade tricks ? In these circumstances, he may have reasoned that by taking even one more spade trick, his partner was under pressure. We suspect that you did indeed coffee-house him in order to safely land this contract."
• B-J : " You are entitled to this opinion, but all I did was drop the card....... and then politely ask if I could play an alternative card, which I originally intended.......... Muppet head was given the choice.
• CC ; " Well, since suspicions alone cannot amount to proof, the complaint against you will now be dropped. However, if this particular set of circumstances ever repeats itself, you will be in serious trouble. You are in our opinion a very cunning and devious man, who knows every single coffee-housing trick going. Good-day."
• B-J : " What.....no suspension !.....Bugger me......you lot are as gullible as West......."