LAW REPORT : R v. BIGOT-JOHNSON ( 2010 )

( This startling and shocking case, yet again involving the infamous Bigot-Johnson, came up before a Crown Court judge. Unfortunate for Bigot, the judge was having trouble that day with his hemorrhoids and was hell bent on having a speedy trial. The indictment was one of assisting a suicide of a young novice bridge player, who the accused had been asked to mentor. An extract from the trial's transcript appears below. )

Judge : Bigot-Johnson....How do you plead ?

B-J : Can't say.......I haven't heard the evidence yet

Judge : Surely as an intelligent man.....you must know whether or not you are guilty. If you plead "guilty" there is no need for this trial to go on any longer than it needs to. I have piles......of other important work to get through.

However, should you plead "not guilty", then it is up to a jury ( not you ) to decide on the evidence given, whether your plea of innocence was just a sham....or perhaps in the most unlikely circumstances..... a genuine and correct statement.

B-J : .....Well, if I must....then I plead "Not Guilty"....

( The judge fidgets somewhat before letting out a stifled moan )

Prosecution Counsel : .....So I put it to you Bigot....and the court...that you did wilfully assist in your partner's tragic suicide by hanging.

( Gasps from around the courtroom )

B-J : Absolute balderdash....that man took his own life by his own accord,,,,with a cord of his own...without any help from me. I was not anywhere near that tree at the time.....and therefore I could not be in any position to offer him assistance even if I wanted to.

PC : Allow me to explain the meaning of the word "assist ". In the most obvious sense, it means providing the means by which a suicide can take place. Say for instance by handing over the poison, knife, or rope....or perhaps kindly opening the oven door, and turning on the gas, as he gently rests his head inside. But in a more subtle and indirect way you can assist a suicide, by providing someone with the motivation and inspiration to carry out such a tragic act.

B-J : ...Oh.....

PC : So let the facts be known....that you Bigot on September 22nd 2009 behaved so appallingly towards your partner, that he.....being of a delicate and sensitive disposition ( not to mention a mental disorder which bordered on manic depression and suicidal tendencies )..... left the club in a highly agitated state.....only to be found hours later swinging......from a tree.

B-J : ...Oh....

( More gasps from around the court )

PC : Hand afer hand you pointed out his mistakes in your loud booming voice for all to hear. Several times he asked you to stop...but no....you had to have your say. Your behaviour was such, it was as if you were putting the cord around his neck and pushing him off the branch.

B-J : ....Oh....

PC : Let's take the incident on hand 17, where you opened 1NT on 15-16 HCPs, and your partner held : xxxx...x...KJ1098xx...x. Under instructions, he bid 2C having a four card spade suit in an attempt to find a safe 4-4 fit. So when you bid 2H denying a 4 spades, partner's rebid of 2NT now meant a weak hand with a long minor. You were obliged to make a puppet response of 3C which he could either pass...... or convert to 3D, which is what he did. But no........you had to play the contract and bid 3NT...doubled...vulnerable.....going 5 off for minus 1400. Despite only having Qx in his suit, you rounded on him....claiming that he should have pulled the double to 4D. Would he have not assumed you had at least Ace to three in diamonds, plus two outside tricks ? Would he have not thought you knew what you were doing ? The truth is Bigot ....you chanced your arm and got punished for it. The blame rested solely on your shoulders.

( A cry " Hang the bastard " is heard from the gallery. A dejected Bigot looks up. )

B-J : .....Ooops

PC : And there's more hands I wish to tell the jury about...........

Judge : I think not...that one was proof enough. People in this courtroom are getting very uncomfortable listening to these stories of such awful behaviour. I am going to recommend to the jury that we find this man guilty right now. This will allow me to pass .......a sentence straightaway. Because I need get away, as I have really pressing engagements elsewhere. So members of the jury do you find Bigot-Johnson guilty of an assisted suicide.

Jury (in unison ) : We do.....

Judge : Well Bigot, you're going down alright.....

B-J : Well, that what I kept saying to partner each time he found himself as declarer in contracts he had clearly overbid on...

Judge : ......for up to 2 years.....

B-J: .....Bugger

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY..........................

• Rank : ( Adverb ) usually the word that precedes the adjective "bad" , when players choose to comment on their partners' inept play
• Red : the colour of a player's eyes as he is about to erupt at the table
• Red against red : a situation which occurs when two players involved in a heated exchange are about to erupt simultaneously
• Scramble : the frenzied manner in which some players rush for the front places in the mid-interval buffet queue
• Rule of 11 : if as a player you have counted out 11 cards played from one suit, then it is odds on there are still 2 out
• Rule of 13 : a rule often ignored by many players who, having failed to count their cards before bidding, enter the auction holding 12 or 14
• Roman : an absurd convention, which owes its origin ( no surprise here ) to a Mediterranean man who wears a skirt and something resembling a metal waistcoat
• Second hand : the type of bridge books tightfisted bridge players choose to buy ( but more often choose to borrow )

HALLS OF FAME ?.......BIGOT-JOHNSON HAS HIS SAY

As you know, or may not know, the Yanks have set up a Hall of Fame to honour those who really know how to play the game. At present it seems to be an American HOF, because only Americans were selected to enter it by the front door. Apparently, Canada felt that two of their best players were overlooked, and after voicing concerns, justice was eventually served, when they were later added to the list by decree.....or should I say " allowed in by the back door" . However, some criticism has been made from various quarters ( even from within the Hall itself ) , that a few too many players have sneaked in at the expense of more deserving cases. These questionable selections apparently concern a small group of big money sponsors, who by regularly hiring professionals have achieved success on the big stage. Success which some observers believe results from being " carried " on the shoulders of giants.

Well, hopefully all that is about to change, because I'm going to set up Howard Bigot-Johnson's World's Best Players Hall of Fame. And I can assure you that there's going to be (1) no secret bulging brown envelopes, (2) no mutual back-scratching societies , ( 3) no secret cabals, ( 4) no unhealthy conspiracies, ( 5) no nepotism, and (6) no despotism. In other words, players who get into this Hall will have to meet the following stringent conditions:

• They have never " hired" players to be their partners, or to play in their team. Successes by virtue of this practice are discounted agaist them ( but not their partners or team-mates).
• Nominations by regular partners and/or team -mates are out of the question, in that mutual back -scratching societies are banned.
• Nominations only count if made by highly placed OPPONENTS involved in the same big stage or world stage competition..... who are not of the same nationality . Moreover with each nomination, evidence of hands must be provided where the player nominated really showed his/her genius at work.
• Players with the most nominations over a given period can qualify for a " player of the year award " confined to their own particular country.
• Players, who achieve several player of the year awards, can be put forward by their country to be considered for Howard Bigot-Johnson's World's Best Players HOF.
• Those nominated to get into this great Hall will have to sit Howard Bigot-Johnson's " Lets see the final proof of how good you are " examination. This will consist of a five 90 minute papers covering the following topics: (1) bidding on awkward hands, (2) opening leads and defence, (3) awkward contracts for declarer, (4) declarer squeeze play , and (5) reading the cards. Scores below 90% will be deemed " a fail" ... earning them the big "F" certificate and " better luck next year" condolences. Those players who pass will be allowed to join Bigot ( who of course is an Honorary member ) in the Big Hall for a badge of merit and a slap-up meal.

Now if any Tom, Dick or Harry can think up a better system than that, then either send me a post, or submit your views on some other blog ( and advise me where to look ). Or if it's your wish, where to get off .....Yours full of cracking good ideas Howard Bigot-Johnson.

BRIDGE BOOKS FROM BEHIND THE IRON CURTAIN......... ( Brought Back by Pun )

• I Must Have The North Seat, Partner.......................Ivor Winterbottom
• I Wonder, Would He Play For Us ?.........................Woody Ellaslike
• They're So Keen To Learn Bridge............................Igor Beevers
• What Me ?... A Timid Bidder ?................................Lily Livard
• Excuse Me, Are You Peeking At My Cards ?..........Ava NutherLuk
• Flooring Your Opponents.......................................Lynn O'Leum
• I'm Making A Note Of All Yours Mistakes................Reggie Sturr
• Bidding Technique: How To Sign Off.......................Ova N. Howt
• I Can't Help It If I Monkey Around............................Bob Boone
• If Your Team Mates Get Agitated...........................Carmen Downe

WHEN IT RAINS IT POURS...... ( Article by Bridgemeister Gibson )

Bridge is not a game for born losers, or anyone for that matter born under a bad sign. Moreover, for many of those cursed never to win, the only luck they get is bad luck. As for the fortunate ones, they have all experienced from time to time Lady Luck sitting on their shoulders. For me, she has been a regular and most welcome companion, but on one occasion she deseted me completely. Never in my life have I been so gutted at the table. So let's look at what happens when it doesn't just rain....but chooses to pour instead ! The opposition was a team from Manchester which included the highly-rated Evans brothers. It was the quarter-finals of the NICKO teams.

It was a very closely contested match all the way through, but on the pen-ultimate board I was dealt as North : Jxxx....xxx....(void)....Axxxxx, opposite his partner's A10x...AQ......xxxx.....xxxx. After bold bidding on our part, we reached 5C, which they doubled. Their diamond Ace was ruffed at trick one, and with only one trump trick, and one spade trick available to the defence (courtesy of a cleverly engineered throw-in ), the contract was made for +550 to us. Good result...this would surely win us the match.

In other room my team mate opened the bidding 1S with West hand, holding: KQxxx....Jxx...KQxx...Q. This recieved a 2H response from East with his x.....KJ19xx....AJxxx...KJ. So with the opposition pair not entering the auction, our team-mates sweetly sailed into an ambitious but not unreasonable 4H contract. This was speculatively doubled by South as a belated gesture of defiance. A diamond was led at trick one and ruffed. And with 2 losing top trumps, another diamond ruff, PLUS two black Aces.....the contract was 3 off.....vulnerable ....for minus 800 !! The net gain of 6 imps to the opponents was just sufficient to enable them to progress forward to the semi-final round of the competition. And to cap it all off, as I made my weary way home on foot, the heavens opened up once more to piss on me yet again......

THE TOWER OF BABEL : THE TRUE STORY......( By Bridgemeister Gibson )

It is a little known secret that this biblical story was in fact pinched from the earliest historical writings about the greatest of all card games. A story which owes its origins to the bizarre world of bridge.

Years before Christ was born, the game of bridge was played in one city. Here players from all over the world came to settle down to play the game they so dearly loved. But they used only one language....ACOL.....a bidding system for all players to use and understand. So it came as no surprise when every player in this micro-bridge world became skilled in Acol's simple construction. With all this knowledge and understanding, they decided to build a library tower, placing rack upon rack of Acol-related books so that they could reach the heavens. By building this impressive tower library, the Acolites wanted to make a name for themselves, believing their system to be God inspired.

However, God was not impressed, and being a bridge player himself He came to loathe Acol, the tower library, and all the books contained within. He perceived the Acolites as both narrow-minded and misguided. And in His infinite wisdom, He knew this tower had to be destroyed, if only to spare the Acolites from bidding their way to hopeless and inferior contracts .

God also felt uncomfortable about their unity of purpose, which He interpretated as closed minds and blind obedience. As a result He decided to create hundreds of new bidding systems....... strange new ones, which players suddenly discovered that's all they could speak. So each player was destined to bid and communicate in a different way, using a different bidding language. So in an attempt to destroy this Acol-only bridge world for good, God decided to scatter the players across the face of the earth to pass their new systems onto others........systems that were more inventive, complex, subtle, scientific, accurate and precise.

However, although God succeeded in one sense, the plan clearly back-fired. For what we have today is a multiplicity of bidding systems brought to any bridge event. Bidding systems that even partnerships which use them don't fully grasp. Bidding systems that opponents haven't got a-cat-in-hell's-chance of understanding, especially when they receive inaccurate and botched explanations of bids they query. Players will be seen babbling away about the meaning of bids to their opponents causing even their partners to question their level of understanding. During any sequence of bidding, confusion and misunderstanding becomes so commonplace TD's are overwhelmed with panic-stricken table calls. Ultimately, the misunderstandings lead to accusations...even blows....as the frustration of not knowing what the bid means becomes too much to bear.

And the moral of this story ?......God may have boobed. Why ? Well, it seems to me that the world of bridge is far better off with having just one bidding system in operation....a simple one like ACOL ?

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : OVA LOADUS BOOTIS

Not so long ago I wrote about a disorder known as Infla Tedego, but new research has uncovered an interesting variant, which has been given a revised name of Ova Loadus Bootis. Originally labelled bridgus grandiose, this particular affliction has a distinct set of symptoms, which if observed by others makes them feel nauseous and sick. Bridge players who are most likely to succumb to this disorder are the big money sponsors, who hire professionals to be their partners, or join their teams, achieving both status and success as a result.

Not once do they ever stop to think these glorious achievements are purely down to those they pay, preferring instead to love the image of themselves as an equal. Could anything be further from the truth. The notion that they could have possibly played a key part (say) in the team's success becomes absurd.

The two most obvious symptoms are (1) grossly inflated egos, and (2) feet that begin to grow in size at an alarmingly rate. So much so, their grotesquely swollen feet become too big for their boots. All too often their smug self-congratulatory smiles are wiped off their faces, as pain shoots up both legs whenever they stand up or walk anywhere. Inevitably, victims with this condition have to divert much of their money into buying specially-made elasticated shoes that can accommodate any additional foot growth. Indeed, many have seen walking around in flipper-size shoes with splits everywhere, and rather large fat toes protruding out of exposed over-stretched, hole-ridden socks. A most unpleasant site.

The self-delusions that victims have of themselves, contrast differently with how others view them from outside. Their bridge ability may well be good ( but never that good ), but it is their vanity which triumphs over realism. They feel compelled to present themselves as belonging to the same category of players as the extremely talented professionals. As one psycho-analyst observed about one of his clients " their egos write cheques their talent can never cash ".

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : THE JOB COMPLEX

This complex is most unusual in that the majority of its victim's "cure" themselves, by undergoing a self-induced personality change. However, it is necessary to review the biblical story of Job in an attempt to explain what this disorder is all about.

Job was a good man who took up a crude form of bridge, which was popular in pre-Christ days with the rich and the well-off. He was a fair, courteous, sporting and polite player, who would always make the perfect partner. Other players saw him as a man without fault, utterly charming, generous in defeat....................a person who played the game in accordance with its laws, the highest ethical standards, and in a real spirit of goodwill and social harmony.

But unknown to Job, God and Devil made a bet where he became the unsuspecting victim of a cruel and vindictive test. Could Job remain upright, faultless, and true to his principles if he was condemned to losing every time he played a game of bridge, irrespective of who he played with and who he played against. His losing streak would owe much to the unscrupulous antics of cheating opponents, and biased TDs. Reeling under the onslaught of highly questionable goings-on, unethical practices, and outrageous behaviour, Job's tolerance and acceptance of his persecutors was put to the severest of tests. Not surprisingly he lost it, turning angrily upon his tormentors. The Devil had won his bet, especially when Job turned on God for letting him suffer in this way. At this point God thundered at Job, whereupon he elected to change sides. For now on he was happy to surrender to the Devil's own mantra " if you can't beat them then join them" .

Indeed, victims of the Job Complex are in fact victims of an acute persecution complex, but for one or two major differences. Firstly, this disorder causes bridge players to feel so bad about their poor results and lack of luck, that they feel it necessary to undergo a complete and permanent personality change.....to break that crucifying losing streak. Moreover, the disorder only seems to affect those who were originally perceived as "good players". Why it should only affect honest and decent players no-one really knows, but one thing is for sure.....................the Job Complex completely transforms its victims into " bad-uns".

Inevitably, this self-induced cure always leads to a return to the good results of old, justifying their decision to turn their back on honest principles and respectable behaviour. The desire to escape from a never-ending sequence of bottoms, abuse and humiliation becomes all too irresistible.

( Footnote: It has been noted by other eminent psycho-analysts that self-cured victims of the Job Complex are often seen huddled together at the end of a bridge event reminiscing about their successes , all of which were the result of wicked and unscrupulous antics. This phenomenon led to one observer to remark " now that's what I call a right Job lot ". )

OH......WHAT A NIGHT...........( Article by Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber )

Picture the scenario. You've had a bad year. Your verrucas are playing up. That retirement deal you thought was in the bag has somehow been sabotaged. Your investments have taken another sharp dive on the stock exchange. Kicking that crutch away from that little old lady made you feel worse, not better. And now you are having an awful night at the club.

You had come to the club as a place of sanctuary, but hey that can't be right.....it's Thursday night and the dark forces are always out there ready to get you......one way or the other. Some observant toad noticed you were wearing odd shoes, and wasted no time in taking the Michael at your expense. The evening had indeed startly badly.

You have this cold niggling feeling as you occupy the North seat, that the dark forces are already at work. How else can one explain why you completed the names sheet incorrectly ? And before you realised it was partner's name that was wrong, the sheets had all been collected in. At the tables, you are getting more desperate by the minute. Everything that you have tried tonight has been a diasaster. Will it be the bottle as usual when you get back home....that is, if you can find one that isn't empty. Or will it be a hot bath and the knife ?

With Maverick ( the self-proclaimed bridge maestro ) as your partner you had hoped for better results. Playing to his system, which you had been told would always land you in the optimum contract each and every hand, you begin to wonder why so many of your contracts had been doubled for big penalty scores. Your confidence is rapidly draining away. And while you are thrashing around in a sea of despair, your partner is still blaming the duplimator for the atrocious splits, and cruel distributional hands.

Then you arrive at the table against another formidable partnership. Bigot-Johnson is there, eagerly waiting to tell you about his recent pairs triumph in a big field event run by Walnut Tree Allotment BC.....but you have your doubts. Why ?....Well. isn't this the same person who often pairs up with Maverick on Monday afternoons.....but have never won once. This makes you think there is an unresolved issue here. It can't be the system...that's too perfect. It can't be the quality of the Monday opposition.....they are all beginners. It must be that their combined egos far outweigh their bridge know-how and ability.

Anyway back to the action. So desperate are you for a score, you feel compelled to do something different, if only to prove to yourself that you are not the victim of the dark forces, which seem determined to de-skill and destroy you. The opponents opened one heart which was promptly raised to three. You decide to butt in with three spades on what can only be described as a load of tram tickets. Not surprisingly you hear an immediate double. You prey that the vulnerable opponents have a lay down game in hearts, and that minus 500 will still be a good score. Down comes dummy with the Ace x of spades and a few other useful cards. Not enough to avoid going one off. Pleased with your score, you allow yourself to be a little smug, only to hear a rather miffed Bigot blurt out " you cocky little blighter ". Another example of the dark forces at work. Yet worse was to come when the score sheet revealed 4H failing all over the place. And this was followed up by an even more galling experience during the play of the cards on the next board.

The contract was a routine and simple 3NT. Bigot "The Miffman" had spotted his partner quitting a winning trick as a loser, so he politely pointed this out to him. You step in of course to alert the guilty party as to this gross infringement of the rules, only to be told " Hold on there......aren't we all friends at this table....what's the big deal ? ". You bite your lip as you decide to overlook this blatant breach.......because let's face it, the dark forces would no doubt compel the TD to let the score stand anyway. But later on you hate yourself for not getting this act recorded as "unfair play". Since the TD had never been to Eton, then there was no chance whatsoever of getting to grips with Bigot's flamboyant school boy attitude to authority and rules. The sea of despair had now finally engulfed me. , Surely now, when the evening had come to an end, the dark forces would loosen their grip, permitting you a safe and weary journey back home. " Oh, what a night... " you say to yourself over and over again. But then a terrible realisation stops you in your tracks......you have completely forgotten to correct the names sheet after all. And so your pitiful score is now going to be reduced by the inevitable administrative fine.

Dark forces never allow you any respite.

HOW TO RECOGNISE A TRUE EXPERT....... ( Article by Carp )

Most players, no matter how how good they are, like t0 define themselves as " experts ". But what they fail to recognise is that everything is relative. Compared to that baboon over there I'm an expert at bridge, but once I'm outside the cosy confines of my club, and thrown into the national arena of top class competition, I revert back to being a brain-dead novice. True experts have to possess many skills at the highest level, and top of the list is the ease and completeness they can analyse the hands at the table. True experts even under intense pressure can quickly see the best line of play, or perhaps the only successful line of play, whereas the rest of us others are condemned to live in the world of the blind.

This rare quality of being a brilliant card player can be clearly shown in this following example. The man at the helm was Dr. Harry Molnar of Hungary, who played this hand with such consumate skill that Dr. Paul Stern ( who felt honoured to witness the incident ) was completely enthralled.

Dr. Molnar, sitting South, was in 6S holding : AJ975....AJ...98...A975 facing a dummy, which came down with K43....KQ2...AK72...K84. It quickly transpired that West, his LHO, held a 4-4-3-2 blizzard, but one which contained a very awkward four to the 10 trump holding.

West made a standard heart 10 opening lead from top of a sequence, which declarer captured with his Ace. A small spade went to dummy's king, dropping East's stiff queen ! Declarer now had the problem of having to avoid losing 2 tricks, a club and a trump. However, a true expert always comes up with an ingenious plan:

- So the A/K of diamonds were cashed next

- Followed by a diamond ruff

- Then came the A/K of clubs, ending in dummy

- The K/Q of hearts took the next two tricks

With four tricks to play for, a small diamond was played from dummy and ruffed in hand with the jack of spades. West, who was down to 1086 of spades and the heart 9, elected to lob away his useless heart. Dr. Molnar

then calmly played his "losing " club confident in the knowledge West was obliged to take it with a trump.....and in doing so end playing himself......having to lead away from his 108 into declarer's A9.

But his genius didn't stop there, because as West heaved a forlorn sigh of resigned admiration, the good doctor pointed out that the line he had taken was in fact flawed.....in that West could have beaten the contract by avoiding the end play. All he had to do was under-ruff , when declarer ruffed the diamond with the jack of spades. So when the losing club was played, the heart could now be safely thrown knowing that East was able to take the trick. So then with his partner on lead, West was bound to score with his trump 10.

But the analysis was far from over, because the visionary doctor stepped in again after hearing another forlorn sigh from West. This one, however, was loaded with shame and regret. " Six spades.. " he said reassuringly "... was in fact unbeatable, if I had adopted this superior line of play". This involved declarer, at trick 3, playing a small spade from dummy and inserting the 9 from hand......letting West take his trump trick with the 10. Now the play would go as follows:

- take the inevitable heart return in dummy, followed by the two top diamonds

- next comes the diamond ruff, followed by two rounds of spades clearing West's remaining trumps

- re-enter dummy with the king of clubs

At this point dummy is left with the heart king, 3 0f diamonds and 8 of clubs, opposite declarer's A97 of clubs. Poor East is left desperately clutching the boss diamond queen, and the QJ of clubs. At trick 11, when the heart King is finally played, and East has to throw in the towel.

Dr. Molnar's superb ability to make the well bid slam on a cleverly engineered end play against West, followed by an instant analysis of how that line of play could have been scuppered......only to be followed up by an acknowledgement that a superior line of play ought to have been adopted, which involved a cleverly engineered squeeze against East.....was there for all to see and hear. Analysis which seemed effortless . Yes, true experts are those gifted individuals who take very little time, and mental effort, to spot actual or potential problems, never failing to arrive at the best solutions within seconds of discovering (or surmising ) the shape, distribution and holding of the opponents' cards.

Now if you claim to have that ability , then you are either a liar, or someone lucky enough to have just one of those essential skill requirements needed to classify you as " a true expert ".

BRIDGE BOOKS THAT WORLD'S BEST BRIDGE PLAYERS SWEAR BY ...... ( Research by Pun )

• I Like To Play Bridge On A Regular Basis........................Avery Day
• Let's Give This System A Try, Partner.............................C. Howett-Goes
• What The Devil Must I Do To Win ?.................................Selma Sole
• Do As I Do, And You Won't Go Far Wrong.......................M.U. Layte-Mee
• When Bridge Giants Meet Head On................................ Kay Rash
• Who's In The Team Then ?..............................................Allan Sundry
• Bridge Does My Brain In.................................................A. Kinghead
• So What If Partner Has A Bad Day !................................Stan Byerman
• Did Your Partner Threaten You Then ?.............................Zoe Didd
• Most Of Us Can Only Dream Of Success.........................Jason Rainbows
• The Bridge Players' Curse...............................................Arthur Itis
• Planning The Play and Looking Ahead.............................Crystal Ball
• I Know She Cheated......................................................Tom Sawyer
• Necessary Pre-match Preparation..................................Bud Wiser
• Please, I Would Like A Quiet Game Of Bridge.................Danielle Soloud
• Who Says I'm A Clown...................................................Abe Ozo
• Old Bridge Ways Are Best.............................................B. Ridgeways ( Senior)
• If You Don't Want To Play Tonight...................................Colin Sick
• I Would Do Almost Anything For A Top...........................Kermit A. Kryme
• The Art Of Dummy Reversal...........................................U. B. Hymn

BIGOT IN DEMAND.............................................................

Dear Bigot, I have heard so much about your self-proclaimed prowess at the game, I felt compelled to contact you immediately. As a newcomer to bridge, I am looking for someone like you to be my mentor, as well as my partner. Should you be interested in helping me out in this way, I am more than willing to cover all your expenses. Please get back to me as soon as possible with your answer. Yours respectfully, Authur Brane

Dear Arthur, Yes, I am a man who prides himself at bringing on new players to develop their game to a competent level. Therefore, I am more than willing to take your money in return for being both your mentor and partner. However, this will only be possible if you are prepared to abide by the following terms and conditions, which are set out below:

1. You must on all occasions ( and there will be plenty ) to take all manner of criticism and abuse with good humour and grace. Sullen and sulky responses will not be tolerated, and any incidence of such will result in your name going into my little black book.

2. You must appear to be enjoying the experience of playing with me, even though the opposite may be true. Any whinges, whines, moans and groans must be suppressed and silenced. In the event of my hearing even the merest hint of any vocal dissent and/or dissatisfaction, then I'm afraid it is back to the little black book again.

3. You must always endeavour to let me play the contracts. In no circumstances must you ever introduce no trumps into the bidding first. Moreover, if you pick up a hand loaded with spades, you are to bid clubs first. Then, by failing to rebid clubs ( because this is your suit ) I can then summise that your hand does indeed hold spades . This will enable me to mention the suit first, irrespective of what my holding is, and thereby get to play the contract. Failure to follow these anti-hog bidding manoeuvres will certainly mean your name going into the book.

4. On the few occasions you do find yourself as declarer, you must set about the play of the contract with due care and attention. Should you commit what in my eyes are mistakes that are solely attributable to either (a) blind recklessless, or (b) crass stupidity, then retribution will be swift. Please remember that in the boot of my car I always carry a spade, a shot-gun, and detailed maps of all the local woodland areas.

5. You must completely ignore all the foul and ugly rumours that circulate around the club about my personality and behaviour. And especially ignore the malicious gossip about the whereabouts of my previous partners. Anything you hear will be nothing more than a pack of lies. Obviously, you are free to locate and chat to any ex-partners of mine, but this might prove to be a pointless exercise in that all of them left the club in strange and mysterious circumstances ( never to be seen again ).

6. As your sponsor, I shall give you my weighty expenses claim form on each thursday. Payment must be made in cash, and discretely handed over to me in a brown paper envelope by the following week. Failure to do so will of course incur punitive interest charges and/or fines, not to mention other opportunities for your name to go into that little black book of mine.

Anyway, I am really looking forward to taking you on board, confident in the knowledge that we can start off our partnership on a solid foundation of genuine understanding and respect. Yours the one and only, Bigot-Johnson

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY...................................................

• Spot : what a player is put on when his/her next bid will either bring about an outright top...or outright bottom
• Trump squeeze : the ability of a player to break wind in a controlled and quiet way
• Touching : a term used to describe those extremely rare occasions where a player forgives his partner in a caring and considerate way
• Wolff signal : a shrill two-note whistle used by responder ( over partner's 2NT rebid ) to alert him to the possibility that his hand may well be weak
• Skip : often the adopted motion of an over-joyous player who goes up to collect his/her first ever major trophy
• Support : what most doddery old players look for from their partners in their struggle to get from table to table
• Threat : something that is handed out by a highly volatile player to his hopeless and mistake-ridden partner

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : SADO-MASOCHISTICA BONDUNITUS

Bridge players like the proverbial birds of a feather really do flock together......and often in large numbers. But equally true is the old adage of "opposites attract". The reason why this attraction takes place in the bizarre world of bridge is purely down to an affliction known as maso-sadistica bondunitus. This strange but common disorder affects two groups of players simultaneously, where every member in one group develops a compulsive desire to partner someone from the other group. On one side, we find players who have superior bridge skills, but posses highly critical and psychopathic personalities. On the opposite side we see players who are grossly inferior, pathetically weak, with a "punish me when I'm naughty" mentality. Inextricably drawn to each by means of open invitation and mutual consent, this disorder often goes unnoticed. This may be explained by the fact that once the partnership has been formed, both parties seem very content and happy with the arrangement, so neither one ever wants to leave.

However, what is particularly unusual about this affliction is that the skillful sadist is willing to sacrifice any chance of getting a good score, because he prefers instead the 3 hours of sheer uninterrupted delight gained from inflicting constant abuse upon his/her partner. In a few rare cases a conflict of interests can develop, whereby the sado-sufferers are thrown into a state of confusion and anxiety, simply because their status and reputation as top players is being severely undermined. However, for the maso-sufferers it's pure joy all the way. Not only do they benefit from the conspicuous association of partnering top class players, but they rejoice at the prospect of receiving poisonous jibes and personal insults after each and every board. Moreover, their results are far higher than they could ever hope to achieve if forced to play with their own group members.

THE SIMPLICITY OF BIDDING............................................. ( Article by Johnny Supremo )

There are some deals, where the player with a monster of a hand needs only to find his partner with just one key card to bid a grand slam. Why just the other day I was dealt : (void) AKQx....AKxx....A109xx, and lo and behold my RHO opened the bidding with a pre-emptive 3S. Naturally I doubled, and partner responded 4C. Well, even with 4 small clubs and a favourable 2-2 trump split, 6C looks a good bet. Four to queen offers grand slam prospects, but only if there is a stiff King under the Ace, providing a marked finess of the jack on the way back. However, four to the King either requires a 2-2 split for the grand, or for one opponent to have a stiff honour with falls under the King, enabling the other honour is picked up on a subsequent finesse. Five to the queen could produce all thirteen tricks if the play of the queen finds Kx under the Ace , pinning the stiff jack in the process. But if the King is a singleton, then a low club to the Ace does the business. Best of all is when partner's holding is 5 to the King with the outstanding trumps breaking 2-1, for now the grand is an absolute certainty.

So how best to proceed ? The answer is simple : use Exclusion Key Card Blackwood. A bid of 5S asks responder to show how many of the key cards he has ( Aces plus king of trumps ), but ignoring the Ace in the cue-bidded suit. Once partner flags up one ( that is the King of trumps ) the small slam is near rigid, and the big one could be bid with some measure of optimism and expectation. As it happened my partner denied having the King and so his response of 6C was passed out. When he showed up with a 3-2-3-5 distribution, with the queen and 4 small trumps, I was careful to play the Ace of clubs first. Thankfully, both opponents followed suit, and with the doubleton King off side, there was only the one trick to lose. Not surprisingly in a mediocre field of 24 pairs, there was just three of us who reached slam......... simply because we all used Exclusion Key Card Blackwood.

LAW REPORT : R v BIGOT-JOHNSON (2010)

( Unbelievably, Bigot-Johnson was in the dock again facing various charges of double-crossing his partner. These actions resulted in his partner losing out on a great deal of prize money. A short extract from the trial's transcript appears below.)

• Prosecutor : I put it to you Bigot-Johnson, you double-crossed your partner time and time again in a major bridge competition........actions which resulted in you and your partner missing out on a substantial amount of prize money......... prize money that could have more than covered his costs of hiring you as the professional.
• B-J : Absolute rubbish.....everyone marvels at my bidding prowess and tactical awareness. Surely, it's not a crime to take a risk or two,,,,,now and again. Anyway, paying to play with me is a privilege ....not an expense.
• Prosecutor : Allow me to explain the meaning of " double-cross" in the context of bridge. This occurs when you have a limited hand, but in fits of unbridled optimism you proceed to bid as if you possessed much more.
• B-J : Might I point out that all players from time to time overbid their hands......
• Prosecutor : Overbidding is one thing......double crossing partner is another. Can you recall the time you opened 1NT which your partner then took out into 2 hearts. But when the opponents came in with 3 spades, you ....yes you.....unilaterally decided that with a 4 card heart support you could raise to 4H. This was doubled, 3 off, for minus 500 and a complete bottom.
• B-J : Unfortunately, yes.
• Prosecutor : Can you also recall the hand, when you made a pre-emptive 3D opening bid......only to bid again over the opponents 3S. Your 4D bid was also doubled for minus 300, which was a complete disaster since 3S was doomed to fail.
• B-J : Yes, that result did stick in my craw a bit....
• Prosecutor : And not content with that...you decided....... on at least three occasions after initially passing with a depressingly poor hand.... to enter the bidding later on..... as if by magic you discovered a missing king or Ace from somewhere. These belated bursts of support for partner simply pushed him into unmakeable contracts. Indeed on one occasion, your late optimistic charge simply pushed the opponents into bidding and making a game contract they would not have otherwise reached.
• B-J : Yes...partners never seem to have what I would like them to have....
• Prosecutor : You are incorrigible............................for you are one who is on trial for making such crass and hollow bids, none of which were sound....none of which could be unjustified
• B-J : Yes....I may have erred a tad here and there....
• Prosecutor : Indeed, your partner played out of his skin that day, and was only denied a share of the prize money because of your double-crossing antics. So what is your reply now to all these accusations ?
• B-J : Hmmm...I need time to consider this question....

( For two minutes there is total silence in the court as Bigot goes into the tank )

• Prosecutor : Well...we're waiting.....What is it
• B-J : .......Bugger.....bugger....bugger....

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG.................................................

Dear Rebecca,

I have never been able to get good scores against better players, especially when it comes to competing in the part-score arena. Can you offer me some winning advice.

Yours desperately needing help, Angel

Dear Angel,

With so much good stuff having already been written on this topic, you can find all the answers you need from getting hold of the right books. However, I could offer you one small tip which on occasions may provide you a few welcome tops. If in fourth position, after three passes, you are looking down at a hand with 12-13 points, but nothing in the way of spades, then choose to pass. When HCPs are even distributed say 22-18, then good opponents even with their inferior allocation will probably have enough ammunition to do you some serious damage.

Moreover, if they hold spades you can bet your life they will certainly find a way of protecting .....discovering of course a fit in their suit. If their bidding gets to 2S you're sunk. Bang goes your best score of + 110 with 2 hearts tick, because the opponents can now afford to go one off vulnerable, or even two off non-vulnerable, for a less than desirable + 100 your way. Should you bid on to 3H down one, minus 50 guarantees you a bottom.

Passing out will always give you a few rank bad scores, especially when pairs sitting in the same direction bid freely in an uncontested auction to find a nice safe part-score contract. But there again, on other boards this passing out tactic might well save you from incurring any negative scores, or grossly inferior ones.

Yours passing on a little gem, Rebecca

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG........................................................

Dear Rebecca,

I've been having a rough time of it lately. My elderly parents were arrested at Bangkok airport on a trumped up charge. They are now waiting to be indicted for drug smuggling offences, where life sentences will be the inevitable outcome if Thailand's record for manifestly rigged trials holds true. My wife has run off with one of my favourite bridge partners, having managed to conceal her affair for several years. My only son, who I recently stepped aside for so he could take control of the family business, decided as his first priority to sack me for gross incompetence. And my daughter has run off to join a fanatical religious sect, who believe that we are all descendants of visiting aliens. Mind you this might explain why some apes remained apes, whilst others which mated with the aliens became humans. But what really capped it all for me was when I lost a green pointed event on the very last board. My ass-hole of a partner dropped a crucial trump card on the table face up. The opponents were in a doomed grand slam but, on seizing their rights to have the exposed card played on the next trick, they were able to avoid a trump loser. This gave them the contract against all the odds. Is there no justice left in this world?

Yours born under a bad sign , Jeremy Jones

Dear JJ,

Wow, that letter of yours was a real tear-jerker. Losing a competition like that just because your clumsy oaf of a partner can't keep hold of his cards properly must have been devasting for you. My heart really goes out to you. As for your other so-called tales of woe.....hey, let's get a few things into perspective ! Your parents get an extended holiday stay in the country they love to visit. With your wife out of the way, it means non-stop bridge day and night......especially after your son kindly spared you from all those onerous week-in-week-out work responsibilities. And not forgetting your daughter of course, who found us the answer to the origin of man.

Yours sincerely grateful, Rebecca

BRIDGE BOOKS FOR THE CONNOISSEUR...... ( As recommended by Pun )

• Simple Bidding Systems For Old Dinosaurs..........Terry Dactyl
• Bidding Theories: Food For Thought...................Maurice N. Curry
• The Game's Brightest Stars..................................Sue Pernovas
• Put A Rhythm Into Your Bidding........................Paul Sayter
• Observing Bridge Misdemeanours .....................Pat Rollman
• The Secrets To Wielding The Big Axe ..................Hal Berdier
• How To Botch Contracts Without Even Trying ... Jerry Bilder
• Partner, Allow Me To Deviate.............................Abbey Rant
• Don't Let Those Tops Slip Away ..........................Lee Cage
• What... Change Our System Now, Partner !..........May B. Layter

BRIDGE RULES.................................. ( A short observation by Bridgemeister Gibson )

For many bridge players, bridge rules their lives. It takes precedence over everything else. Addicts as a result merely pay lip service to all their other social. family and work obligations. They live, eat and breath bridge. For these obsessives bridge is their life. And so when I came across this joke, I took the view that this superb story more than anything else illustrated the fact that bridge is priority number one............

" On their wedding night a couple arrive at their hotel room ready to indulge in a night of romance and passion. But then the phone rings. The husband answers the caller, only to be given a series of hands to comment on and muse over. The conversation continues for hours as his friend finally goes on to tell him of one hand, where he foolishly went down in 6 spades. After the phone call ends, the distraught wife ( who by now is in tears ) says, " How can he be so inconsiderate ? That was terrible ".

" You're right, honey.......All that he had to do was undertake a simple dummy reversal....."