MY NUMBER 1 PET HATE................................. ( Article by Carp )

My pet hate list in bridge could go on for endless pages. Ironically, there are some irritating and annoying things I can comfortably take in my stride....things that would cause other players to go ballistic, and ready to kill. But the pet hate that stands out above all others....that really " gets my gander up "....or to put it another way " gets my goat ".....then it's a partner who double crosses me.

A double cross in bridge occurs when a partner has already passed, or made a limit bid.....but then ( later on in the auction ) suddenly ....out-of-the-blue.....becomes totally overwhelmed by a fit of optimism. It is as though some fairy godmother had floated down from the sky to sprinkle magic dust on his/her cards, improving the hand's shape, distribution, and HCPs.

How on god's earth can players who partner me fall victim to such a lack of discipline and magical thinking ?

How many times can I be expected to watch my partner open a flattish, balanced 1NT ( 12-14 ), and then bid again in an attempt to win the part-score battle ?

How many times can I be expected to remain calm after seeing my partner make a 3-level pre-emptive bid, only to compete again after the opponents have over-called or pulled a take-out double ?

How many times can I be expected not to implode after seeing my partner pass on all previous rounds of bidding, only to decide later on when the auction has reached " penalty double territory " that the his/her hand was worth a bid after all ?

And finally.....hell, I could go on forever.....how many times can I be expected not to lean over the table and throttle my partner's scrawny neck, after I have come in with a protective bid based on his/her known values...... only for this double-crosser to compete at a higher level on those very same values ?

So yes, double crossers are forever giving me galactic bottoms by either pushing the bidding into impossible contracts ( waiting to be doubled ) , or stopping me from playing in the most obvious contracts where match points were always assured .

( Now has anyone got a pet hate that is more loathsome than that ? If so, I would like you to tell me about it using the comment box and signing yourself in under " anonymous " profile label. )

THE GROSVENOR COUP.................... ( Article by Bridgemeister Gibson )

To be a big player in this game you need " balls " no matter what your gender. Because let's face it, faint heart never won diddly squat. A successful player will speculate to accumulate match points. He/she will need to take risks, do unusual things to generate swinging boards, and use all manner of ploys to gain that critical edge over the other front runners. As a red-blooded bridge player, I love to see elements of poker psychology used within the game. I love it when I pull off a successful bluff, psych, deceptive play and cunning plan to induce an opponent into making an error. This is what makes bridge the truly wonderful game it is.

However the ploy ( or coup ) that takes real guts to use ( especially against top class opponents ) is the little known Grosvenor Coup. Here the player deliberately misplays the hand at a critical point during the play. This is done in order to induce a mistake by an opponent, which may result in either the same or a superior result. Even if this gambit/coup does not yield a material gain, a much more important objective might well be achieved. It induces a big psychological impact on the opponents, which often works against them later on.

Firstly, they will be kicking themselves quite severely for spurning the opportunity of a gift trick, believing that no declarer could be that dumb. Secondly, if they do seize the free trick that is on offer, two possible consequences might follow. The euphoria of snatching an unexpected gift might lead to the onset of complacency , or they start to take risks themselves believing they are up against idiots. This inevitably means the trick comes back almost immediately.......with interest.

THE BIGOT-JOHNSON COUP............... ( By Bigot-Johnson )

In bridge there are many coups, some of which are named after the person who first dreamed them up. Well, because the following three situations all involve one defender holding Kx, I am claiming title rights to this particular coup by simply linking them together.

Given the actual layout in each scenario, the defender with Kx should always take a trick with the king but fails to do so because of erroneous thinking .

1. Here declarer has a 5-5 trump fit missing the AKx of trumps, but with Kx sitting to his left. When he volunteers the queen of trumps towards dummy's J10 to five, the hapless defender hops up with the king only to see it fall under his partner's stiff Ace. Many commenters argue the play of the king is foolish, because if declarer holds the Ace, he had a legitimate line where he can escape even a single trump loser.......either by playing the Ace hoping to find the stiff king, or by taking a simple finesse through his RHO. Indeed, this particular scenario has been well documented in many bridge books, often quoted as an example of The Idiot's Coup.

2. Again declarer has a 5-5 trump fit, but only missing Kxx. Again the Kx is to his left, well place over declarer's AQxxx. However, when he volunteers the queen of trumps towards dummy's J10 to five, the hapless defender decides not to hop up with the king desperate to avoid it being smothered by partner's stiff Ace. However, when the queen holds, declarer then produces the Ace from his hand taking out the king in the process..........another example of the The Idiot's Coup. Many commentors argue ducking with Kx is foolish, because if declarer suspects, say on the bidding, that the king is off-side but guarded......... this ploy is the only legitimate line he's got to hoodwink the defence from taking a trump trick.

3. Yet again declarer has a 5-5 trump fit missing the AKx of trumps, but with Kx to his right. The ploy this time is to persuade the defender with Kx to ruff small when desperate to stop the run of winners from a powerful side suit played out from dummy. By ruffing in prematurely, the hapless defender is shocked to see declarer over-ruff.....which enables him to then produce a small trump to crash the RHO's king under his partner's stiff Ace. Many commentors argue that ruffing small is like sending a small boy to do a big man's job. His partner may have the stiff queen, which means the defence would fail to make a single trump trick. By rising with the king, it guarantees two trump tricks if partner does have the stiff Ace, and certainly one trump trick if partner holds the stiff queen ( classic uppercut stuff ). Indeed, this last scenario has also been well documented in many bridge books, under the title of The Galileo Coup.

So by recognising that these three situations all involved error-prone defenders failing to take a trick holding Kx of trumps in circumstances where idiots might have succeeded, I Bigot-Johnson am the first to bring them all under the same one umbella......which of course entitles me to collectively define them as The Bigot-Johnson Coup.

BRIDGE CLUB DISCIPLINARY SUB-COMMITTEE HEARING No. 89........

( No surprise at all to see Bigot-Johnson being hauled before this sub-committee to answer complaints yet again from Percy Pantopod. These all relate to the defacing the members' notice board, plus accusations of malicious persecution. An extract from the hearing's transcript appears below. )

Chairman : Bigot...your behaviour towards poor Percy is nothing short of scandalous. It is vindictive, and it represents bullying of the worst kind.

B-J : Just a mo.....I think you're over-reacting here....

Chairman : Why ?

B-J : ....Because Percy is the evil-minded wombat.......not me. He's the one that everybody dislikes.

Chairman : Well, he gets on my tits that's for sure....but we are here to review your unacceptable behaviour. Facts have emerged that every time Percy put in a poor performance, his name of course was well down the results list..... a document which the club is obliged to publish on the notice board for all to read. Needless to say.... you have been seen placing a picture of an animal next to the list......with an arrow linking the picture to poor Percy.

B-J : But what's wrong with that ?

Chairman : Well, firstly, the notice board is not for the members to practice graffiti on. Your artistic interpretations represent acts of criminal damage, whereby important documents are being defaced as a result of your twisted and warped sense of humour.

B-J : Did you find it funny ?

Chairman : Indeed, I did.....but that isn't the point. Your actions could put the club at risk as being a joint-party to a costly libel action.

B-J : Not so...the truth always provides a cast iron defence. The mere fact I suggested that Percy's results make him out to be a monkey is right on the mark.

Chairman : But you've also lampooned him as a donkey....a rat...a cheetah....a rabbit......a snake.....a lemming....to name but a few.

B-J : But the man is an ass.....

Chairman : That may well be the case, but why the constant persecution ?

B-J : Well, to most members he has become a long-standing joke, and members have come to expect my comic animal associations.......which help liven up a notice board renown for the most mundane, irrelevant, uninteresting, boring content imaginable. And what's more.... Percy needs a regular dollop of reality checks. The numpty still thinks he can play bridge.

Chairman : So what you're saying Bigot....and correct me if I'm wrong... is that all your intentions are good, not fuelled at any hatred or loathing (many of us believe ) you have for this loser.

B-J : Yep....you got it in one....

Chairman : Well, if that is the case,....we will take no action against you........

B-J : Amazing...what can I say other than " thank you " ....and on that happy note I'll be on my merry way

Chairman : Good-day to you Bigot.....

B-J : ( And as Bigot walks away smiling in disbelief, he quietly mumbles under his breath )........You silly buggers !

EXTRACTING THE OPPONENTS' TEETH : THE DENTIST'S COUP............ ( Article by Bridgemeister Gibson )

This coup is a clever ploy aimed at throwing an opponent in, but only when it is safe to do so. Sometimes this may involve eliminating all his safe exit cards first in order to minimise the dangers that exist. This manoeuvre will either set up a free finesse and/or provide declarer the lead he so desperately craves. In the hand below, many pairs would never be in 6H, let alone make the contract, given declarer's LHO opponent is sitting there with QJ10...AJx...J8...K109.

In dummy there is K.....K10xx....AKQ10x,,,,,AJx

Declarer's hand is Axx.....Q9876.....xx....Qxx

When West leads the queen of spades, taken in dummy, it is imperative that declarer plays out the AK of diamonds straightaway.............before leading a low heart to his queen, and West's Ace. Because what can West do now ? Absolutely nothing. A spade puts declarer in plus a club discard from dummy. A heart gives declarer a free finesse which he wanted to do anyway. And a club gives declarer a free finesse not to mention instant access to hand to finesse the hearts. After any of these choices, declarer has a simple task of making all 12 tricks.

So why is this coup called the Dentist's Coup ? Well, declarer has set about extracting an opponent's safe exit cards as if they were his teeth. In other words making him " toothless ".

However, the next hand is an obscure variation on that theme. Here declarer is in 4H, and his LHO has an impressive Q10xx....Kx....10xx....AKQx.

In dummy there is AK....Q108....AKJxxx....Jx

Declarer's hand is xx....AJxxx....Q9.....xxxx

Best defence requires West to kick of with the AKQ of clubs, forcing declarer to ruff the 3rd round in dummy. Applying the Dentist's Coup he must play the Ace of diamonds first before crossing over to the queen. ( East following both times ). Then when a heart is played towards dummy's queen, West will swiftly rise with the King only to fire back another club which declarer has to ruff with dummy's queen. Now when a top diamond is played from dummy, sure enough East can ruff it.....but declarer of course can over-ruff to see the contract home.

If, however, at trick four a foolish declarer came straight across to the diamond queen first, desperate to play a heart up to dummy's queen, West's fourth club would now enable East to lob away his last remaining diamond. So with declarer locked in dummy and unable to get across to hand to take out the remaining hearts, he will succumb to an embarrassing diamond ruff by East. Here the 4th club posed a very serious threat. Therefore by Playing the Ace of diamonds before crossing over to the queen, the Devil's Coup had proved to be a masterful example of forethought and planning. West in effect had been rendered " toothless ", and his forcing defence in clubs to set up a ruff for partner had been well and truly thwarted.

THIS COUP REALLY IS THE PITTS.............. ( Article by Bridgemeister Gibson )

In bridge there are many types of coups, some of which involve far-sighted unblocking, entry promoting, plays. One of the more spectular ones goes under the name of The Pitts Coup. It occurs by ruffing with a card higher than necessary as a sacrifice or unblocking play. In this example it allows declarer to lead through one opponent at the table. Having come down to a five card ending declarer ( South ) needs to take all the remaing tricks to steer the 4S contract home.

North : Ax....xxx.....none...none

East : Qx... xx......K........none

South : KJ...none....xxx....none

West : x.....Q98....A........none

So South by leading a small diamond crashes the A/K of diamonds, but it is essential that he ruffs the trick with the Ace. Then he finesses East's queen of spades on the way back into his K-J, and with two established diamonds to cash at the finish the coup has been successfully completed.

However, a much better example of the Pitts Coup can be seen in the following hand :

West : x.......Ax....xxxx.....KJxxxx

East : AQJ9x..J97...xx......xxx

( Dummy comes down with xxx....K106...KQJxx.....AQ )

Defending a 4H contract, West leads his singleton spade to partner's known suit. East takes the trick with his Ace, and promptly returns the queen, covered by declarer's king, which of course sets up a winning spade trick in East's hand. But the problem is how to get East back in to take the trick ?

Answer: The Pitts Coup. Ruff the trick with the Ace of trumps ! And then exit with either a club or a diamond. Now partner will get in with a heart ( no matter how declarer tackles the suit ) to enjoy his spade winner and defeat the contract.

If, as many impulsive defenders might do, West ruffs the spade with a low trump, and exits in the same way, declarer is home and dry. Once South gets in, the play of a low heart immediately brings out the Ace. This now allows declarer to pick up partner's J9 wihout any difficulty......and his losing spades disappear under a deluge of diamonds and clubs.

CAN WOMEN PLAY BRIDGE ? : REBECCA ROOD NOW ENTERS THE DEBATE.......

Yes, and about time too. I have read what Howard Bigot-Johnson has said on this matter ( strangely, it made some sense ). And I have also read the further research carried out by that weird boffin, the Hu Chi Ku Chi man ( a self-proclaimed professor of goodness knows what ). Well, they both made a few astute and relevant observations, but they didn't ask me for my take on this......and as a result they have both missed out on a quite a few important points.

Firstly, women are quite capable of matching the achievements of men if they so wanted to. But by and large they don't. Far too many see the ascent to top flight as having to deal with " the minutiae " , and this they find incredibly time-consuming and off-putting. The very idea of having to absorb so much information, even down to the smallest details, would require them to spend every waking hour of the day devoted to reading and playing the game. The idea of becoming a bridge nerd is total no-no.

However, I do accept the view that women tend to visualise things differently from men. Some of that fundamental difference is captured in a book title, " Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps : How We're Different And What To Do About It ". Men may indeed be more " field independent ", having the ability to extract a larger pattern from a more complex one........but that only depends if one is there to start with !

The crucial point is that most women find the aggressive aspect of the game very off-putting and upsetting. So many men allow their base instincts to take over, and in the process turn quite ugly. Classic Jekyll and Hyde stuff. It is my firm belief that this factor more than any other causes women, with potential to make it to the top flight, to shy away from serious competitions where Hydes are in abundance. In addition to that, lacking that predatory instinct often inhibits women to push forward to develop their game. The thought of having to play like a man is one they certainly never want to entertain

Moreover, women like myself....and I can play this game as good as any man......prefer to put bridge into a much more realistic perspective, when it comes to ranking life's priorities. The harsh reality is this : the game is utterly pointless in the scheme of things. Building a boat for people to sail in has purpose. Building a well so as people can have water to drink also has purpose. Buiding an understanding with partner that low card discarded in one suit calls for switch to the lower of the other two suits ( outside trumps ) is of no benefit to anyone but you and your partner. The sad fact is that men believe bridge is the be all and end all of their existence on this planet. It is a religion to which they seem happy to devote their whole lives.

Wherever women go in the game, they see men at the top. Men forever striving to run the show, striving to preserve the status quo. They so often behave in a " sexist " way, displaying all the characteristics of male chauvinism. No doubt, it was man who coined the acronym " LOL ", type-casting women players as little, old and terribly polite. Indeed, when one woman stood alongside some the top class men players on the winners' stage ( namely, Helen Sobel Smith ), she was pointedly asked what it was like to partner one of the world's greatest players ? Clearly insulted by the blatant " male chauvinism " buried within the question, she quickly replied ; " Shouldn't you be asking my partner that ? " Now that's what I call a sassy and very astute woman.

So yes, the ratio of men to women at the top seems to suggest that men play the game better than women ......but this is a false conclusion. Women could be there in great numbers, if they choose to be there. Luckily for all those top men , a huge number of talented women will go elsewhere and succeed in other fields....leaving Helen and I to put them firmly in their place.

ACBL SLAMS BIGOT-JOHNSON'S BEST BRIDGE BOOK NOMINATIONS..... ( Report by Pun )

• What Most Top Bridge Players Are All About...........Mimi Mee
• You Want Me To Play In Your Team ?......................Hugh Betcher
• Horsing Around At Minor Events.............................Jim Carner
• My Partner Is So Changeable...................................Jekyll N. Hyde
• So What If Players Call Me A Nag..............................Ima G. Gee
• Bridge From Inside..................................................Jay L. Byrd
• Some Contracts I Don't Bother To Make An Effort..........Mel Inger
• Signalling At Bridge................................................Peter Ring
• Bridge Matches That Made Front Page News.............Tab Lloyd
• Partners Complain Bitterly About My Hands............Moll Ester

GRAVEYARD HEADSTONES

FOR BRIDGE PLAYERS......

( By Pun )

GRAVEYARD HEADSTONES

FOR BRIDGE PLAYERS.......

( By Pun )

COMPLACENCY IS A TERRIBLE SIN............. ( Article by Johnny Supremo )

Many bridge players who never make the grade are often victims of their own appalling complacency and lack of forethought. Take this hand for example where my wayward partner went off in 4S. My hand was a tasty A10x...xxx....AJxxx.....Ax, opposite his KQJxxx...Axx...xx...xx. On a queen of clubs lead, there appears to be four losers ( 2H, 1D ans 1C ), but if the diamond suit could be ruffed out one loser ( possibly two ) could disappear on the established winners. So a little care was called for.

Unfortunately, my partner ( sitting South ) took the club with the Ace, and then played Ace of diamonds followed by another. East won with the 10, cashed the king of clubs, and switched to the queen of hearts. Declarer took the trick with his Ace, played the King of spades, followed by the 3 of to dummy's 10. A third diamond was played from the table and ruffed. Had the adverse diamonds been evenly divided all would have been well. As it was, he could cross to dummy's Ace of spades to ruff a fourth diamond.....but there was no way back to dummy to score the fifth diamond for an essential heart discard. Complacency and carelessness had yet again got the better of him.

So what should he have done ? Well firstly, he needed to plan for a 4-2 break in diamonds, and secondly he had to get the timing right. After winning the first trick with the Ace of clubs, he needed to play a low diamond from both hands at trick 2. East of course will snatch his diamond and club tricks, and switch to a heart. However, after taking the heart trick straightaway with the Ace, declarer is now in control. The king of spades is played next followed by a diamond to the Ace. The third diamond is ruffed with the jack. Declarer then re-enters dummy with the spade 10, and ruffs the fourth diamond with the queen, only to re-enter dummy again with the spade Ace. Having now established the fifth diamond as a winner, one losing heart. can be joyously discarded.

Now how easy was that ?

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG.........................

Dear Rebecca,

After having an offending eye plucked out ( in the biblical sense ) by my over-reactive partner ( for failing to see a particular card discarded by my RHO ).........I am , to say the least, a trifle unnerved. Now with only one good eye left, I am seriously worried that this injury will impair my ability to play semi-competent bridge even more ?

Yours " Dead -eye " Dick

Dear Dick,

Although bridge is considered to be a sport, most physically-disadvantaged players can still manage to bid and play the cards. Having only one good eye might well restrict your span of vision, but focus in bridge is more to do with the mind, rather than the eye.

Anyway, if it's any consolation a recent discovery of ancient Greek scrolls revealed the fact that in the days of Jason and the Argonauts, the game of bridge was very popular......and was played by all and sundry. One character called Cyclops, despite his one eye, loved his club....... and his duplicate bridge. So much so that he took up teaching the game, and writing books on how to be successful at it. Many of these focused on aspects of strategic and tactical awareness. Titles included:

- Hands That Were Real Eye Openers

- Don't Turn A Blind Eye To Cheating

- Keeping A Sharp Eye On Your Opponents

- Difficult Hands : More Problems Than Meets The Eye

- Seeing Eye To Eye With Partner

- Playing Hands With One Eye Shut

- Having An Eye For Those Rather Thin Slams

These books are now available in the shops, and will certainly give you great advice on how to become a giant at the game. Indeed, many players with a whole range of profound physical disabilities have already benefitted from reading such great literature.

Yours Rebecca

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES.....................

There are two types of player that irritate their partners the most. The first type of course are the " slowcoaches " , but the second type are the " rushers ". These players are not necessarily impetuous or impatient, they are simply in a hurry. Indeed, they had been diagnosed as victims of the WHITE RABBIT SYNDROME.

Players with this condition always believe they are behind in time, running late for the start of the next board and/or the next round. Despite having loads of time to bid and play the cards, they constantly keep muttering to themselves " I'm late....I'm late....I'm miles behind ". So off they rush bidding and playing the hand at break-neck speed to the detriment of partner's fragile state of mind and mental health.

In Alice in Wonderland, the white rabbit came across the little girl on several occasions, but the questions as to why he was rushing, what he was rushing for, or where he was rushing to, were never answered. Players with the WRS also offer no explanations for their irrational and obsessive behaviour. They just have this sense they are behind the clock.

Believing there is not a moment to spare, speeding up the play becomes their life mantra. Forever anxious and stressed, they live in constant fear of the bell, even to the point of rushing to fill in the scores.

Many psycho-analysts put their faith in hypnosis therapies involving time-distortion ploys. One such ploy involves convincing them that time is standing still, while another one attempts to give them the notion that much more can to done, to "squeeze" the maximum out of every second. However, success has been very limited indeed, and incredibly short-lived. The condition is both progessive and irreversible.

Acute sufferers have been known to walk around bridge arenas with stop-watches in their hands, darting off here and there, and rushing around as though everything is being done on a whim. They haven't the time to stop and think, because they are already struggling to make up time.

This syndrome without doubt is utterly incurable. Victim's can not shake off the belief that they are " in a stew "......something that ironically befalls all rabbits. As we all well know, the concept of time is always relative to one's state of mind. For players who think that time is running out, their only objective is " to rush ", never stopping to consider what particular goal or direction they need to aim for. All they end up doing is misleading themselves up the proverbial garden paths, flying headlong into shed loads of wretched scores .

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY......................

• Chicago : a rubber bridge format where the cut can often put the wind up the player, who draws the bumbledog partner
• Game : a highly desirable characteristic eagerly sought after in an attractive female partner
• Boss suit : a term used to describe the captain's formal apparel chosen for big match occasions. This is to done in order to ram home the message that " I'm the one with the superior status and position in this team ".
• Freak hand : this term was first coined during a game of rubber bridge, in which the Frankenstein monster was sitting North. On picking up an 9-4-0-0 distribution, he boldly announced that in his possession he had a " freak hand " , an observation which the other three players readily endorsed. This was not surprising given the fact it had a two-foot span, four fingers and two thumbs........not to mention warts the size of tennis balls.
• Milton : the name of the person who came up with an easy and heavenly way of evaluating honour cards. However, nearly all top players today regard the method as both crude and inadequate, claiming that the simple-minded Milton must have been in paradise lost at the time.

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : THE OSTRICH SYNDROME

This is a disorder which causes victims' partners to pull their hair out in utter frustration. The syndrome is defined as a denial or refusal to acknowledge something that is blatantly obvious, almost as if the sufferer had put his head in the sand like an ostrich.

This affliction particularly targets weak minded bridge players, who all too often capitulate under the pressure of having to make the right decision. It tends to infect a victim the minute a critical stage of the bidding, or play of a hand has been reached. This immediate refusal to see the nose that is in front of his/her face coincides with the recognition of an unpleasant problem, which must be confronted : what to do next for the best ? However, the reasons why they face problems, where others don't, can be easily explained. They have failed to count the cards played, especially trumps. They have failed to take note of the bidding. They have ignored all partner's signals. They have paid no attention to what the opponents are up to, and have no idea of partner's plans.

Some psycho-analysts claim that OS bridge players suffer from a fear of the unknown, and that the following characteristics can be recognised in all chronic sufferers :

- taking every opportunity to bury their heads in the sand

- having a definite lack of awareness as to what is happening at the table

- praying that they will not be asked or required to make any crucial decisions

- not wanting to know

- having no real plan of attack or defence

- choosing to behave as if they are not interested or concerned

- preferring to run away

Players with OS inevitably make blind choices, which of course always prove to be disastrous. Not surprisingly, they will always come up with flimsy excuses, the usual ones being " I didn't realize "....." I must have missed that "...." my mind was elsewhere " ( like one foot under the sand ? ). Often, when they claim " Well........I made an off-the-cuff decision........I took a chance..." they avoid laying blame upon themselves, pointing their accusing finger at God. What they don't realize is that........had they bothered to observe what was going on around them, they would not encounter the type of problems, which lack of knowledge is responsible for.

This woeful condition does require immediate treatment, because if it is left unattended it will continue to cause significant damage to partnership confidence and harmony.... not to mention end of session results. John Bennett, who was one of the first to be diagnosed with this syndrome, caused his wife ( and partner ) to completely flip, when he went off in a rigid 4S. Quite understandably she shot him dead, pleading extreme provocation in order to get her sentence reduced.

LAW REPORT : MRS. BIGOT-JOHNSON v. CARDINAL BRIDGE CLUB ( 2010 )

( This rather unusual case was brought before the High Court, where the plaintiff served a writ on the CBC claiming substantial damages for the tort of negligence. A short extract from the trial's transcript appears below. )

Counsel ( for the plaintiff ) : Just how often does your husband, the blaggard Bigot-Johnson, beat you ?

Mrs. B-J : Regularly.....

Counsel : And why does he regularly beat you ?

Mrs. B-J : Because of his regular beating at the hands of others at the bridge club.

Counsel : So please tell the court just how often do these other players beat him ?

Mrs. B-J : They beat him every time.....

Counsel : So what you are actually saying is that the bridge club is responsible for turning your husband into a wife-beating monster, who uses you as his whipping dog ?

Mrs. B-J : Yes......

Counsel : But how can they be responsible for his appalling behaviour ?

Mrs. B-J : Well, I wrote several letters to the club's committee about my husband's attacks, which I attributed to his mood swings following his wretched time at the tables. Having been alerted to the risk ( to me ) a duty of care had now been established. This duty of care, clearly based on a known foreseeable risk, required the club to exercise an appropriate standard of care......which, of course, was to ensure that other players did nothing to rile or rattle him. The committee, turning a blind eye to slow play, soft cheating, and biased TDs, allowed my husband to go ballistic time after time. By failing to guard against these " gross irritations " they failed to exercise the standard of care needed to fulfil their duty of care towards me. The direct consequences of such breaches are all here in my medical notes, and hospital appointment record cards.

Counsel : Jesus, do you know your stuff .....and I can certainly see where you're coming from. Your husband was angry at being beat as a result of widespread unethical practices and incompetent rulings, and not surprisingly used you as a punch-bag to off-load his pent up anger and frustration. But if your bully-of-a-husband is the main tortfeasor, why sue the club and not him ?

Mrs. B-J : For a kick-off he's penniless....but since he is a member of the club, then the principle of vicarious liability applies. Organisations are in law responsible for tortious acts committed by their servants and/or members committed in the course of their activities.....or..... as a result of their activities. The club, in effect, had through its negligence lit the fuse to a human time-bomb...........which only went off when I was around.

Judge : Sound reasoning indeed. I find for the defendant. Therefore, I'm going to award damages of £5,000 to the plaintiff, who ought use the money to file for divorce against the most despicable man I have ever heard of.....

Mrs. B-J : But if I do that........ I'll know what my husband will say ...

Judge : And what's that .....?

Mrs. B-J : Bugger....

GRAVEYARD HEADSTONES

FOR BRIDGE PLAYERS......

( By Pun )

GRAVEYARD

HEADSTONES

FOR BRIDGE

PLAYERS......

( By Pun )

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY.......................

• Overcall : a common occurrence which involves one player shouting over another during a heated argument
• Wonder bid : a term given to a bid which is so out-of-the-blue and unexpected, it causes a bemused partner to wonder (a) where the hell it came from, and (b) what the hell it means ?
• Wrongside : this refers to a player's early morning exit from his bed, and the possibility he may have got out of it from the " other " side. This would then help to explain why he is destined to have an appalling night at the bridge club later on.
• Loser on a loser : another common occurrence in bridge, where the competitive drive is so strong that decent players stubbornly refuse to play with losers, leaving them to seek out one other in a last ditch attempt to make up a pair. In 1925, at Doncaster BC, one player was overheard saying " 'ere comes a loser and a loser " as the next pair approached his table. This got misquoted as " loser on a loser ", hence the origin of the phrase.
• Curse of Scotland : the name given to the nine of diamonds, when a Scottish international carelessly went off in a rock-solid grand slam in diamonds. The fool simply failed to notice there was still an outstanding trump. His English opponent ended up trumping a trick with the 9, only to hear a distraught declarer scream out : " did ya hav to play that bastad friggin' card...ma partna's gonnae gie mi a rite soddin' clout fa sure..." As it turned out this error cost Scotland the match , and so the card in question became synonymous with any disaster befalling kilt-wearing, caber tossing, foul-mouthed bridge players.

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : ANDROPHOBIA NONSENSICA

Of all the distressing and perplexing phobias I have ever come across, this is the one that is most endemic within the world of bridge. Well over 50% of all female players fall victim to this particular phobia , and no treatments as yet have been successful in halting its alarming spread. Its continued presence within every bridge club across the globe has given rise to misguided claims that sexism and male chauvinism are possibly two underlying factors.

Androphobia Nonsensica affects women players of all ages, from every socio-economic grouping. It typically expresses itself when victims start displaying panic-attack symptoms, whenever in the presence of anxiety provoking stimuli........namely men. Indeed, men might only need to be standing together talking among themselves at the bar, or arriving as a pair at their table, or just simply being overheard rebuking one another in a distant corner of the play area.

However, radical feminism and androphobia are not the same thing and should not be confused. For a start, radical feminists are not fearful of men : they just prefer not to be in the presence of men, let alone partner any. Androphobia on the other hand is an abnormal and persistent fear of men, which is can be both irrational and nonsensical. It is a condition that has no valid explanation, but some psycho-analysts believe it is based on some deep-rooted past experience of men, which was both shocking and traumatic. Others claim it is based on a false belief that men are better and stronger players, seeing women as vulnerable prey, and easy targets. This predatory instinct is what many women find disturbing and upsetting, giving rise to feelings of anxiety and intrepidation, which of course later develop into paranoia and fear.

From my research, most of victims trace back their traumatic experiences of men to incidents that took place at their bridge clubs. These included men exploding into raging bulls, throwing huge tantrums and massive wobblies, and being involved in histrionic outbursts worthy of any Oscar winning actors. These incidents clearly had the effect of turning quiet, shy, harmless, innocent women into nervous wrecks, even when they were just standing nearby as gobsmacked observers. These memories would then stay with them permanently, ultimately changing the initial anxieties into a fully blown man-fearing phobias.

Not until governing bodies step in to address the aggressive and rude behaviour of men will androphobia in all its forms become a thing of the past. Often victims are forced to adopt all manner of self-help strategies. For instance, these include only partnering other females, and playing their duplicate bridge in day-time hours, where male players are a rarity. However in the USA some radical feminists have set up their own " women only " bridge clubs, which enable all chronic androphobics to turn their backs on men for once and for all.