ANOTHER NEARLY TRUE STORY........ ( By Bridgemeister Gibson )

Bigot-Johnson has never been one. who is lost for words, and here he was at his inglorious best. So midway through the duplicate event, he and his partner arrived at a table, where the slowest player in the club happened to be sitting North. The first board took an age to complete, but worse was to come. On board two it was North's turn to start the bidding. As usual he leaned back into his chair to contemplate his opening bid. Seconds passed by and minutes ticked on, as he immersed himself fully into the think tank. Bigot by now was pulling out his hair. Patience is not one of his virtues.

" For pity's sake man are you going to bid ? The room has already started the third board. "

But not a flicker of emotion from North who appeared to be in a deep thought.

" That's it", screamed Bigot, " I'm called for the TD..........Director !! "

When the TD arrived to hear Bigot's rant about North's slow play, he decided to take a closer look at the motionless North.

" I think the poor man has just passed away....."

" What.....you mean he's dead " cried Bigot's distressed partner, " What are we gonna do ? "

Bigot took just one second to reply....." Take an everage of course ......."

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED....................

• Partner : one of three players at the table who is out to get you
• Fouled board : one that has been handled by a player on his return from the toilet, having forgotten to wipe his hands
• Butler scoring : a situation which is likely to happen when the club's wealthiest player turns up to play bridge, leaving his young nymphomaniac wife at home with a newly appointed manservant
• Impossible call : a rarely seen event where a player openly acknowledges his/her mistake in turning a complete top into a wretched bottom
• Alert : a quality that is often missing from players who are easily distracted, or prone to daydreaming
• Take a view : a well used euphemism for taking a wild guess. The term tends to suggest that the decision taken was based on careful consideration of all possible options, but the reality is in fact the complete absence of any rational thinking.
• Zero tolerance : what all overly competitive players have for their less experienced partners

IT PAYS TO BE FRISKY............................ ( Article by Johnny Supremo )

Successful bidding is all about getting into the action whenever you possibly can. Caution, timidity and silence rarely bring about good results. Occasionally, your frisky bidding might push opponents into a game contract that unbelievably makes, but more often than not your pushing will lead them into unmakeable contracts, or possibly inferior ones. Moreover, if you don't bid your hand at the first opportunity, you may never get another to tell partner where your assets are. If partner has to lead blind, there is little likelihood of finding the best defence.

So if you have a very lack-lustre and uninspiring hand, look to find reasons to bid it rather than pass. Often the zar method of evaluating hands prompts players to open the bidding on hands with only 9 HCPs, such as KQxxx...xx....Axxxx...x. This collection adds up to 27 zars ( 12+10+5 ) which certainly warrants an opening bid. Indeed, many top class players use a raft of conventions to show weak 2-suited distributional hands, not to mention the mini notrump in Ist/2nd positions, plus light openers in the 3rd position after 2 passes. These aggressive fearless bids have much going for them, because in the world of bridge faint hearts never win a damn thing.

Even bidding on tram tickets up to slam level has its merits, providing the following conditions apply :

- Green against red

- Double fit with partner

- Useful voids and singletons

- Highly distributional hands ( but with no duplication of shape )

- Plenty of cross-ruffing potential

- Any penalty double will result in a very profitable sacrifice

So imagine you pick up a yarborough xxxxx....x.....xxxxxx....x opposite the hand listed above. Your RHO opponent opens 1c ( no surprise there ) and on your left comes a bid of 1H. A take-ot double from partner, only to hear a confident 4NT on your right ! What do you do ? Bid 6H of course fixing opponents good and proper. Doubling this would be fatuous, yet for the opponents to bid on to a grand would be a blind leap of faith. 6H minus 12 only loses 600. Double of 6H to enable an escape into 6S could result in minus 3, or minus 5 tricks, for 500 or 1100 penalty respectively. These scores as it happens are far superior to a score of -1430.

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY ( REVISITED )........

• 2 small : a derogatory sexist comment often made to one's partner about the inadequacy of their main assets
• AGM : a heaven sent opportunity for those seeking power to swell the turnout, by gerrymandering many of their friends and followers to vote them into office
• 2 down : a statement likely to made when a takeover bid of a committee is in full swing. This requires their opponents on the committee to resign beforehand or not get re-elected. Often these words are followed by " one to go ".
• Avoidance play : a clever manoeuvre used by those who (a) refuse to answer a direct question by quickly side-tracking the discussion onto other issues, (b) transfer blame for their poor results onto others, and (c) resort to any excuse to avoid being paired up with a bumbledog
• DAB : a shortened version of the word "dabble " , which in bridge parlance means either (a) prying into the private affairs of other members, or (b) the level at which some members approach the game of bridge

EX-RAF PILOT TAKES UP BRIDGE COMMENTATING.......... ( Fantasy article by Pun )

" What ho.......Binky bowles here.......playing pussy....looking down on another quick squirty.....with our boys up against some nasty enemy bandits. Nobby North....jolly good fellow.....takes no shit from anyone.....unforunately has a lightweight load....but not one for taking a dim view......and not one for baling out either.......being a right-up-and-at-'em sort.....could end up going for burton should things go belly up....."one digger"...... on his jack to four and two lone bullets. Bandit a 3 o'clock starts flapping....completely scuttled by that bid....... what with his 10 HCPs and 6 good diggers. Damn good show his kite stayed grounded......wings well clipped........so the obvious pass flies in. Wizzo sitting South is unfortunately twitching.......still recovering from ditching his can in the Briney from last sortie. Bally fool pranged up bidding to end up in how's your father. Seems he's asking for TD to visit BIFFY for a number two and a chill pill. Right munter.........

( One minute later ).......Bully beef ....he's back.....what a geezer......1NT response hits the deck on his ropey 4 count. That's slack. Bandit at 9 o'clock .....right half-pint hero.....sees possibility of a sausage in the soup........some billy-hen penny has dropped a nifty one in the custard.....and with a 17 count no one is flipping him over belly up....."double"......pommie bashing time......these buggers from Blighty need to be shot down in flames.

Dicey-do situation now for Nobby.....clearly feeling very squiffy......nasty gnats to his right and left ready to rat-tat-tat....what a bummer. Such a crate of cabbages in his hands....enemy ready to bag his eggs and fours. Well, he seems well up for it...."redouble"......Eastie quietly passes by. Wizzo now in jankers.....going for a packet well imminent.....this bunch of monkeys mean business......a do-or-die bid is called for....."2 clubs".....while cunningly camouflages his 6 diamond bagger.

Bait taken....fish hooked......bandit reckons he's the one shooting fish in a barrel........."double".....Charlie choppers.....Nobby stuffed.....scrambling to find a Mae West.............two more passes fly by......"2 diamonds" by Wizzo.....Bandit doubles like a right erk......bidding well over......skirmish ends with 2D making. So with the bandits binning the chance to bid and make 3NT their way......the minus 780 swing brings the skanks crashing down to earth. Spiffing good show eh?....

LAW REPORT : R v. BIGOT-JOHNSON ( 2010 )

( Bigot-Johnson was hauled before the Crown Court to face the most serious charge of his life : the murder of Pongo Pantopod, Percy's younger brother. On the night in question Pongo, who had been drafted in at the last moment to be Bigot's partner, proceeded to play bridge like a complete lemon. He successfully binned every contract he found himself as declarer, and not once did he ever lead suits that Bigot had bid. Their team contribution of minus 264 imps incensed Bigot so much, he dragged poor Pongo off to the potting shed ( behind the club's premises ) to hammer home some essential points about bidding and play. It was two days later that Pongo's battered body turned up in a compost heap . So what follows is a short extract from the trial's transcript, which covered a critical phase of the trial. Bigot as usual elected to defend himself. )

B-J : I would like to call Pongo Pantopod as my next witness..................

( A coffin is brought into court and laid across the witness box )

Judge : Bigot....this is most irregular. What can you possibly hope to achieve questioning a dead man ?

B-J : Your honour.......you don't seem to understand.......I can still communicate with him......even as a bridge player he was just about able to master the requirements of simple signalling

Judge : But your witness is dead .........

B-J : In medical terms yes......but his spirit has not vacated his body......and it is that which I can get in touch with..............

Judge : So he's not completely dead then ?

B-J : No...... he's not completely dead. Physically dead, yes. Certainly brain dead......well, that's been the case even when he was alive. But the spirit.... thank God...... is still hanging in there just...... for the purpose of establishing my innocence in the trial.

Judge : I don't quite get this.....If he's not completely dead, why is he in a coffin ?

B-J : Well, he's due at the crematorium in 2 hours time, so I would like to crack on with my questioning of this witness....

Judge : This is unprecedented...... but if you must

B-J : Pongo......listen carefully to my instructions. All my questions will simply require a yes or no answer. Bang once for "yes" and twice for "no"..................Pongo do you understand ?

( A single bang is heard from within the coffin )

Now Pongo.............Is it true that I didn't lay an actual finger upon your person ?

( Just one bang is heard )

I guess that wraps up the questioning .......and puts an end to the prosecution's case

Prosecutor : Not so quick Bigot..... because we aim to prove that you hit him from behind with a hammer

B-J : Pongo.....please now tell the court.......did I hit you with a hammer ?

( Two bangs reverberate from inside the coffin )

There.....the defence rests its case

Prosecutor : So what's that remote control gadget you have in your hand, Bigot ?

B-J : It's my comfort toy...

Judge : Let me see it.....

( Within seconds of fiddling around with the buttons, repeated bangs are heard from within the coffin. Bigot now looks extremely agitated ...)

Bigot-Johnson you are contemptuous cheat .... you have attempted to carry out a dastardly wicked plan to pervert the course of justice.....and I'm in no mood to be forgiving....

B-J : I'm buggered............

PROFESSOR HU CHI KU CHI'S ONE MINUTE INTERVIEW WITH DR. SIGMUND T. SCHUKELGRUBER.....................

Prof : Well Doctor...... what has caused you to turn your back on tournament bridge ?

Dr : Firstly, I find the whole expense thing far too much, and not being of a calibre to attract sponsors I find the prize money on offer absolutely pitiful. I ask you if 300 players are asked to pitch in £25 a head, stumping up £7500 in total, and the best they can offer as top prize money is around £400.....if your lucky.......the financial incentives are zero. In poker competitions.....I might add..... over half that money would end up in the pockets of the outright winner. It is not surprising then that tournament poker is on the way up whereas bridge is on the way down.

Prof : Any other reasons ?.............

Dr : Well, as you already know......... bad behaviour really bugs me....

Prof : What the bullying ?.................

Dr : No...no....something far worse than that. I'm talking about blatant hypocrisy and smugness. These are the greatest off-putters by a mile. Far too many players who rant on about the faults and misdemeanors of others are the biggest culprits themselves. And as always it is these same arseholes, who openly relish and bask in mirth whenever opponents make mechanical and unforced foolish errors. They laugh whenever opponents go down as a result of bad breaks, awful splits, and the unfortunate lie of the cards. Then to add insult to injury, they later congregate together in circles, bragging and chuckling away at the gifts that came they way. Who wants to encounter people like that.......not me for one.

Prof : Any other gripes concerning bad behaviour ?

Dr : Yes, I do believe that far too many players are guilty of elitism, intolerance, impatience , back-stabbing and petty mindedness.....

Prof : Some list....

Dr : Add to that slow play, complex bidding systems....... designed purely to baffle and obstruct the opponents' bidding....... and TD's being used to help those who cheat by exploiting the rules.....and you have a scenario that makes the world of tournament bridge a place I am happy to see the back off.

Prof : So where will you be playing your bridge now ?

Dr : Over at the Walnut Tree Allotment BC partnering Bigot-Johnson of course...........

BRIDGE CLUB SUB-COMMITTEE DISCIPLINARY HEARING No.128 ( Only one week had elapsed before Bigot found himself again facing the wrath of the committee. This time however the charge was far more serious, in that a complaint had gone in from the club steward regarding criminal damage to property. )

Chairman : Bigot you have been brought back before this disciplinary sub-committee to answer a very serious charge indeed. The club steward claims that someone.......namely you......has drawn a man's whatsit on the newly painted men's toilet wall. Several witnesses are prepared to identify you as the culprit having seen you practice " the said drawing " on your scorecard repeatedly throughout the whole evening. This crude form of picture graffiti would be classified in any civilised society as both lewd and offensive. Have you anything to say at this juncture ?

B-J : No comment......although I would question whether bridge clubs are places where civilised people go

Chairman : So our poor over-worked club steward has been obliged to leave his other duties in order to get a wet cloth and rub the whatsit off. However, on your next return to the club......lo and behold.......an identical but slightly larger drawing has suddenly appeared on the same wall........in the same place. This meant for a second time the steward had the unpleasant task of rubbing off this vulgar and shocking image.

B-J : No comment.............although I would argue that every part of the human anatomy is a beautiful thing having been created in God's image

Chairman : Then, on your next visit to the club, yet another discovery of the drawing took place. This happened only minutes after someone remembered seeing you leaving the toilet with a felt tip pen in hand. However, this time not only was there a larger picture than before, but a message was written underneath it in big bold block capital letters : " DON'T YOU KNOW, THE HARDER YOU RUB IT THE BIGGER IT GETS "

B-J : No comment.............although I would argue that all your evidence against me is both flimsy and circumstantial

Chairman : Well, I have no option but regard your failure to deny the charge as a confession by default......entitling us, the committee, to impose a £500 fine on you......... instead of the usual 3 month ban. This of course is to cover the cost of cleaning and the installation of CCTV cameras throughout the premises. So now have you got anything to say ?.....................

B-J : Bugger.....

A CONVERSATION I OVERHEARD THE OTHER DAY........ ( By Bridgemeister Gibson )

Club member (CM) : Bigot......you've got a puzzled on your face ?

B-J : Well, I have to admit......I just can't believe my luck...

CM : Why .....what's happened ?

B-J : Well, I've found a new member who is more than happy to be my partner......

CM : No kidding ?

B-J : Not only that but he actually rates me as a top player ....

CM : Wow....what can one say ?

B-J : And the best thing of course is that he never argues, always willing to acknowledge and accept all my critical observations about his play....... but most of all he takes every insult I throw at him in his stride

CM : Now.....that is something !

B-J : But there's more.....he's not that bad at bridge either.....and the icing on the cake is that he's incredibly courteous, respectful, and generous with his praise towards me

CM : So why the puzzled look ?

B-J : Well, when he is away from the bridge table you begin to realise that he's a total and utter prat.....the most stupid man I have ever come across...

CM : I figured that ......... given all what you've just said about him

B-J : Now that remark warrants a two worded response.........bugger off...

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES....................

It has come to my attention that an alarming number of bridge players have an irritating habit of humming, while contemplating their next bid or play of the cards. Whether this humming is a deliberate or subconscious ploy to rattle and upset the opponents' equilibrium and composure , I just don't know ? In the majority of cases this constant need to hum would be written off as an obsessive compulsive disorder, one which tends to be so annoying to others because of its tuneless and toneless nature.

However, one particular client of mine had a more melodic variant of this disorder, which had moved it into the realms of a syndrome. Indeed, I had seen this disorder several times before when I attending bridge congresses in Cardiff and Swansea. Somehow I knew why this poor man was unable to stop himself humming at the tables, despite the incredible number of savage looks and death threats which had come his way. He tried to explain that it helped him to think better, if he hummed song titles that popped into his head. Whenever this need to concentrate harder intensified, he felt compelled to hum classic hits like Mama Told Me Not To Come, I'll Never Fall In Love Again, Delilah, She's A Lady, and the Green Green Grass Of Home. Then, as he continued to rattle off more song titles, I instinctively recognised the particular syndrome he had.

" I am very familar with this affliction of yours....it's has a funny name........but it's incurable. "

" Tell me...tell me....If Only I Knew "

" You've got THE TOM JONES SYNDROME ! "

" What do you mean ? " despaired the man, "..... Is it a common complaint ? "

" Yes, I too have it ........It's Not Unusual......especially, if you've ever been to Wales. "

SENSATIONAL NEW BRIDGE BOOKS ABOUT TO BE RELEASED................. ( By Pun )

• Hey, I've Just Scored Over 70%..............................Lloyd D.Lord
• Partner, Did You Need To Trump So Big ?................Ulrika Pugh
• I'll Give You A lesson You Wont Forget...................Ed Master
• How To Go About Knocking Sense Into Partner.......Wade N. Everley
• I've Just Been Selected For The 'A' Team.................I. B. Blode
• If Your Bridge Season's Too Long, Take A Break......Kit Catt
• Sponsor Lures Top Pro With A Barrel Load Of Money....Carmen Gettit
• Why I Lose At Bridge............................................Bjorn A. Pratt

THE WAY

THINGS

OUGHT

TO BE ( A

short article

by Dr.Sigmund T.

Schukelgruber )

Gone are the days when bridge players attended their clubs with a sense of occasion. Gone are the days where attendance required sartorial standards of dress, so clearly evident in the 1930's and 1940's. For men, suit and ties were the compulsory norm ( tuxedos and monocles were especially welcome ).

As for the ladies, smart evening gowns, or matching skirts and blouses, were their preferred choice of style and refinement. They more than anyone knew what was needed to create that sense of occasion.

Sadly, massive cultural changes have taken place over the last 70 years. So today, as far as men go " anything goes " when it comes to turning up to play their beloved game : T-shirts, sandals and torn-off jeans now take the place of bespoke tailored suits and black leather shoes.

So it is no coincidence that with the demise of dress standards, there was a parallel demise of behavioural standards. Gone are the days when refined and courteous table talk reflected the well-mannered behaviour associated with gentlemen and ladies. What we have now is a world full of bridge playing maniacs displaying irritation, impatience, frustration and anger, whenever mistakes by partners, or misdemeanors by opponents, come to light. Even the nostalgic Evangeline Holland, in her recent article The Bridge Mania , was quick to endorse this demise. Here she quotes the damning words once used by the pseudonymous Frank Danby : " It is futile to argue with a bridge club member as with an opium eater or an inebriate. The habit has outreached all rational discussion. Duty, common sense, reputation have become meaningless words before the victim's devastated conscience. " Words indeed which become more apt as each year passes.

And what of future changes ? Can it be possible....... to turn back the clock, and see the world of bridge return to the way things ought to be ? The answer to that question I'm afraid is.... " only when hell freezes over ".

BRIDGE IN THE BIG LEAGUE....... ( By Johnny Supremo )

What amazes me about top class players is not only their relentless desire to push for game when fits come to light, but their ability to pull off all these fragile contracts. For them distribution and shape count for everything, with HCPs being of little consideration. I too subscribe to that view but I tend to be a tad more circumspect. So let me tell you what happened in a recent teams match, when my inexperienced team-mates were up against two of England's best. On both tables the East/West pairs both reached 4H on a combined 22 count, after South had opened the bidding 1NT.

West held : Axx.......10x.......xx.....AK10xxx

East held : K107x...QJ76xx...KQx......(void )

On one table it was an opposition South who looking down at his Q6....AK9....Axxx.......xxxx, thinking what to do for the best . " Partner must have very little. However, it is within the realms of possibility he might have something in spades. If I volunteer the queen of spades, there is the vague hope partner might just have the king setting up a natural spade trick and a spade ruff. However, if he hasn't the king, but the jack instead, then my lead might well fool the opponents into believing that that card lies with me. "

So our declarer on this table sensibly took the first trick in hand with the King. But it was the play at trick 2 which was critical. The chosen card here was a small heart up to dummy's 10. Oh dear....the opposition South hopped up with the Ace, cashed the heart king and returned the 6 of spades. Declarer not surprisingly allowed this to run round to his presumed 10 of spades winner. So when North popped up with the jack to then provide his partner with a spade ruff with his one remaining heart, the contract proceeded to go 2 down.

At my table, it was my partner who was sitting South, and he too found the inspired queen of spades opening lead. But this time the opposition declarer had a little deceptive plan of his own. Taking the opening trick in hand with the king, he cunningly led at trick 2 the queen of diamonds. South unwittingly ducked. Quickly, declarer went across to dummy with the Ace of spades, pitching his two remaining diamonds on the A/K of clubs. Coming off table with the 3 of spades, he only had to lose two more tricks in hearts tricks. Game made.

And the moral of this tale ? Well firstly, if as declarer you are in dodgy games...... subterfuge may be your best bet to bring home an almost impossible contract. Secondly, if you are defending a beatable contract and your deceptive lead might well have created a winning position , then don't allow sloppy play to give back the initiative to a grateful declarer .

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : THE PONTIUS PILATE SYNDROME

The first group of bridge players to be diagnosed with this syndrome were intercity team captains. All too often the weakest member of the team became the target of abuse by all the others, having been scapegoated for the team's miserable and wretched performances. The syndrome inevitably affected those, who were entrusted to make " selection " decisions, but ironically the consequence of the condition meant that captains became fearfully reluctant to do so.

In every instance, they found themselves unable " to see any fault on the part of the heavily maligned team member ". However, they were also acutely aware that their status of captain was under threat, if they failed to take appropriate action to appease the baying lynch mob. So once the PPS locked in, victims with this fear-induced condition, decided that the best course of action " was to wash their hands of the whole matter ". This required them to let a more democratic process of decision making take its course......which of course allowed mob rule to take over.

Indeed, any bridge player with this affliction is usually one who has acquired power, but then aims to retain and protect it........ even if it means selling his/her soul in the process. The fact that others are allowed, on occasions, to usurp their power, is of no real concern. For clearly, what on earth is wrong about being magnanimous, and choosing to embrace the spirit of democracy whenever the thorny problem of team expulsions crops up . The wash basin therefore becomes an symbol of delegated power, rather than one which depicts power draining away down the plug-hole.

Those afflicted with PPS start to believe that power includes the right to do nothing, the right to delegate....and of course the right to hold onto power. Moreover, if the mob decision to expel a team member proves to be a big mistake, then the victims of course can avoid any subsequent flak by smugly retorting, " It's not my fault ".

But the most shocking aspect of this syndrome is how it has developed over the years within the world of bridge. A whole raft of other symptoms are now beginning to appear, which clearly affect vast numbers of rank and file club members. These associated symptoms include :

- an unwillingness to learn

- an unwillingness to examine what is happening around them

- the fatal paralysis of judgement

- the weakness of complacency

- the preferred option of passivity

The Pontius Pilate Syndrome has become a very serious and widespread problem, which needs to be addressed by those in power. But tragically, those in power are the first to be affected...... causing them to turn a blind eye, to bury their heads in the ground, and to take themselves off to the washroom ( which happens to be very place where I hang out these days ).

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG........................

Dear Rebecca,

What the hell is this game coming to ? There was I partnering a so-called club expert, when the following uncontested bidding sequence took place : 1H - 2H - 3H - 4H. My hand was Qx....QJxx....Jxxx....Kxxx, which certainly warranted a simple raise of 1H to 2H. However, when he came back with an invitational 3H, I felt with my 8 HCPs, I was good enough to bid game. So when the contract went 1 off for a near bottom, did I get it in the neck. He rounded on me good and proper calling me a cretin into the bargain. Did I do wrong or was I partnering someone devoid of human decency and compassion ?

Yours Pretty Perplexed

Dear PP,

Either you belong to the dark ages of kitchen bridge Acol bidding, or you haven't a clue as to what the 3H bid is actually all about.

When the opener rebids 3H over your 2H, he is certainly not inviting game. Surely to God you can see that the bid is simply pre-emptive. For if he was to pass, as sure as eggs are eggs the opponents are bound to protect. His 3H was made with the sole intent to discourage protection by the opponents.

Moreover, if he knows you're fairly limited, and that he has nothing more to spare, then the opponents might well have the same 8/9 trump fit as you ( in the unbid major ). And does it matter if 3H goes down one ? Not a jot, because the likelihood would be that 2S would make ( with only 8 tricks available in both directions ).

And what action might partner take if he wanted to look for game ? Any bid except 3H !!! So please..... either give up the idea of competitive bridge, or get a book on the fundamentals of tournament Acol bidding.

As for your partner's reference to you being a cretin, he made well have hit the nail on the head.

Yours Remarkably Rood

BRIDGE CLUB SUB-COMMITTEE DISCIPLINARY HEARING No. 127....... ( Although this hearing involved another tiff with Bigot-Johnson, the committee felt it necessary to treat this latest complaint, against its most notorious serial offender, with an urgency the reported facts clearly merited. However, it turned out to be the shortest hearing on record, as the full transcript of the proceedings can confirm. )

Chairman : Bigot-Johnson....a very serious complaint has been made against you by Percy Pantopod, who it seems had turned up to the club that Thursday, only because he had been told you were away on holiday. But what really shocked him that night was seeing you brandishing a gun in front of club members situated in the bar, where he too was standing.

B-J : Well, let me tell you...... I have a permit to possess and own a fire-arm.....

Chairman : But the club's constitution does not allow you......despite your permit......to enter the premises with any weapon whatsoever....let alone a lethal one..... like a gun. So unless you can provide us with a valid excuse, then handing out a lengthy ban is the only sensible option available to us......given your appalling track record of bad behaviour and outrageous antics.

B-J : Look.....any man with the number of sworn enemies I've got inside this club needs all the protection he can get....

Chairman : My God Bigot.....you're right.......Crikey .....everyone I know in this club, including myself, would certainly wish you dead. Complaint dismissed....you're free to go....

B-J : Well, I'll be buggered....

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY...........................

• Trial bid : an attempt to bring a bridge club to court, say for example over a claim for damages following the wrongful dismissal of a member
• Suit : an action one takes up in a court of law in order to obtain some form of legal redress
• Bigot-Johnson : an impetuous fool who is forever putting his foot in the proverbial dung heap. Therefore to do " a Bigot-Johnson " means to drop a right big clanger.
• EBU : an acronym for " Everyone Buggers Up ", given that no one can play perfect bridge all the time and never make a mistake
• Italian " Blue " Team : an appropriate colour reference used to describe a key feature of this highly successful world championship side. After being accused of cheating, all the members sank into deep depression. Such was the sheer scale of their abject despair and despondency, to even describe the team simply as " blue " seemed a gross under-statement.
• Myrtle Bennett : the first woman to be given the label of " top gun ". One of the founder members of " Equal Rights For Women In Sport ", she more than anyone tried to put a stop to male chauvinism running rampant in the world of bridge.
• ACBL : an acronym for " Amazing Cock-ups Bewildering Lapses " which aptly describes the decision making process that inevitably takes place in bridge committees and governing bodies the world over
• Bridge bloggers : generally, a sad and disillusioned bunch of writers operating in cyberspace. Like blind fools, they carry on publishing their works, choosing to ignore the fact that possibly no one is ever bothering to read them. What's worse is that should the opposite be true, then they remain blissfully ignorant of the fact that much of their stuff is written off as " utter crap ".

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : THE UNDERDOG SYNDROME

In the world of tournament bridge there is always a small minority of top class players who regularly turn up expecting to win. In contrast there is a vast majority of humdrum, rank and file, players, who turn up every now and again only in the hope of winning. But here in the UK there is a well established culture, which encourages bridge players to enjoy the status of underdogs, and to always support and back the underdogs, regardless of who they are taking on. They love the label of " underdog ", but sadly they are all victims of this terrible syndrome. Indeed, the name given to this affliction ( and other one mentioned below ) owe their origins to character called Ken Hunt, who had set about trying to define what character traits Aussies possess.

However, no one realised until recently that the condition was far more relevant to bridge players. Indeed, I vividly remember when I was asked to deal with club member, who relished the idea of being an outsider, a no-hoper, " just one of faceless majority ". As far as he was concerned the kudos of giving the experts and champions a run for their money was far more satisfying than the prospect of actually winning a major bridge event. The syndrome became more acute when he realised that all his peers loved him...... as being the little bloke, the ordinary Joe, the David with the sling, prepared to take on and slay the giants against all the odds. Such was his dogged and persistent challenge to knock as many spots off these top dogs, to ruffle their furs, and to upset the status quo, he soaked himself in the glory of defeat, like those brave and foolish men who fought alongside Sparticus.

Tragically, once the syndrome has reached its full blown stage, a victim becomes compelled to strive even harder to upset even more apple carts. He allows himself to wallow in the accolades of becoming the people's champion, as opposed to being the tournament champion. Real champions and expert players are nothing more than fairground ducks, targets to aim at and knock over. Yet the curious thing about this syndrome is that when a victim, or should I say underdog, ever goes on to win a tournament .....and in the process become a real champion......then clinical depression sets in. This of course is based on the knowledge and awareness of the forthcoming pain and anguish when a replacement syndome takes over ( see below ).

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : THE TALL POPPY SYNDROME

This subsequent and replacement syndrome is very short lived, owing to the fact that underdogs who win a major tournament will soon experience the reality of crashing back down to earth. Only then can the underdog label be picked up and worn again. However, during the short honeymoon period of being real champions, life for these usurpers and upstarts quickly turns into a real bummer, plunging them into a rare type of depression. For while they have the newly acquired status of being top dogs, deep down they know they haven't got a cat-in-hell's-chance of living up to it. Moreover, they are now the easy and hated targets of all underdogs who previously loved and worshipped them. In bridge tournaments before, coming half-way was still something that could earn warm applause and congratulations. But now such a result earns derision, ridicule and scorn. Therefore, any tall poppy, who stands out from the riff raff of ordinary non-achieving Joes , will inevitably find himself cut back down to size. Knowing that this will surely happen, along with the painful experience that comes from being abruptly thrown off your pedestal, is the very thing that brings about this temporary depression. The reality of the situation becomes all too clear: winning a trophy as an underdog is not so much a blessing as a curse. Indeed, for the ordinary players of the bridge world there is far more joy in the pursuit of a dream than bringing it to fruition.

BIGOT GETS HIS COMEUPPENCE................... ( Another nearly true story by Bridgemeister Gibson )

Years ago Bigot was desperate to get onto the Walnut Tree Allotment BC committee, if only to push forward a proposal to get rid of Percy Pantopod for once and for all. All he needed was just a few more guaranteed votes to secure his selection. But where from ? Time and friends were now in very short supply.

With minutes to go before all the all important AGM, Bigot was touting for support in the rapidly emptying bar room. But there in the corner was a new member, just finishing off his pint of bitter. This was the perfect moment for a bit of smart bit of canvassing to promote his selection credentials. The young man sitting there seemed very approachable, and possibly open to persuasion.

" Allow me please to introduce myself ......my name is Bigot-Johnson......a well respected player and long serving member of this club. Can I count on you to put a cross against my name in the forthcoming ballot for new committee members ? "

" Not a bloody chance ", the man replied, " I'd rather nail you to a cross . Why, in the short time I have been at this club, I witnessed your appalling behaviour, and heard countless stories about your outrageous antics and crimes. You are nothing more than an unscrupulous scoundrel, completely devoid of intellect, decency, morality, integrity and charm. You are an infamouus bandit, a man who lives up to his name, a man whose sole aim in life is to nurture your self-interest and overly-inflated ego.... a man who is out to feather his own nest at the expense of making everybody's life a misery. You, Bigot, are a blot on the landscape of humanity. "

" Oh...so can I take it then...... that's a definite NO ? "

" YES.... "

" Bugger....."

And on that over-used expletive the conversation ended. Bigot of course failed to get elected.......... being as it happened just one vote short.

ANOTHER EXTRACT FROM BIGOT'S MARVELLOUS AUTOBIOGRAPHY...............

I always insist that my partners bid to my system. This involves a " prepared club " which only they are obliged to use. This means I can always open one spade, but they must refrain from doing so, opting instead for the ambiguous 1C opener. As a result I, as responder, can bid spades first on as little as 3 small. This has a double whammy effect : either I end up as declarer in a spade contract, or if partner has no spades I keep the opposition from finding their spade contract. Is that brilliant or what ? Another part of my system is that partners must never respond 1/2 NT to an opening suit bid of mine under any circumstances. They must choose their best minor suit no matter how bad it is. Moreover, there must never open 1/2 NT, choosing instead the artificial and available 1C/2C bids. The crucial objective is that I must be given every opportunity going to bid no trumps first. Indeed, my partners are obliged to follow the general guidelines of making a suit bid, where they have little or no desire to end up as declarer in that suit.

So allow me now to give you a wonderful illustration of how my system triumphs over all others:

Partner ( West ) Holds : AKxxx.....xx.....AQx....QJx

Sitting East I Hold : xxx.......AQ10x....Jx.....K10xx

The bidding correctly goes 1C ( spade bid is forbidden ) , 1S ( showing 3 or more in the suit ), 3D ( good hand, better minor, jump confirming good spades ), 3NT ( first there, over to you partner to make final decision ), Pass. On a heart lead I wrapped up 10 tricks taking 4S, 2H, 1D, 3C despite both red kings being off-side. Using other biding systems most Wests end up in either 3NT or 4S, struggling to make the former and going one off for certain in the latter ( losing a trick in every suit ).

The beauty of the compulsory 1C opener from partner is that you are in control, and are well place to play over 70% of the contracts. Indeed, really good partners, who really get into the spirit of anti-hog bidding, boost that figure to almost 80%. Jesus, I didn't take up serious bridge just to become a dummy !

So allow me to give you one more example :

Partner ( West ) Holds : xx.....Ax....QJ10xx.....AK10x

Sitting East I hold : xxxx...Qx....Kxxx.........Qxx

Partner yet again is obliged to open 1C. Naturally, my first response is 1S showing at least 3. Now comes 2H from partner ( indicating no spades, useless heart suit, but two good minor suits by inference ). 3D by me ends the auction. As expected I received a heart lead allowing me to make 10 tricks, losing 1D and 2S tricks only. Elsewhere, other East/West players were only making 9 tricks in diamonds or going off in frisky no trump contracts. For further details about my system and how to really hog the bidding (and the contracts ) turn to chapter 46.....