INCIDENTS

FROM THE

SLAUGHTER

HOUSE BC BEST

FORGOTTEN

AND NEVER TALKED

ABOUT

........

........

........

" Oh......that's Bigot-Johnson, our highly respected Chairman, reminding a player that all club members are expected to treat one another in a calm, civil and friendly way....."

A TRULY SPECTACULAR SQUEEZE............... ( Article by Johnny Supremo )

I have performed many squeezes in my time, but none seemed as spectular as the one my partner embarked upon a few days ago in a recent league match. After a pre-emptive 3 diamonds on his left, I naturally jumped to 4H whereupon the subsequent bidding landed my partner in 7C ( doubled by his RHO ).

I tabled a healthy AKQ......QJ1098x.....AK.....xx, to prop up his rather lop-sided , one suited hand of .....Jxxx........void.........Qxx.....AKQJ9x.

His LHO led out the King of hearts, which he was forced to ruff in hand. Initially, there appeared 13 tricks on top ( 6C, 3D, and 4S ) but there were serious entry problems. The double surely meant the clubs were breaking 5-0 to his right, and a finesse of the club 10 was necessary. So quite wisely he used a diamond to enter dummy, confident his RHO did indeed hold one in this suit. Next came the crucial KQ of spades, followed by the successful finesse of the club 10. Now came a run on the clubs to remove his opponent's trumps. Trick tally so far was 9 ( 5C, 1D, 2S, and a heart ruff ).

But as he played out the last club, his LHO had to find a discard ( infront of dummy ) from 97 of spades, the Ace of hearts, and J10 of diamonds. And still remaining in dummy was Ace of spades, King of diamonds and QJx of hearts. Declarer of course was now down to Jx of spades, and the Qx of diamonds.

Discarding the boss heart was out of the question, so his LHO discarded the 7 of spades, whereuon declarer jettisoned his Ace of spades from dummy. Next, declarer played out his two winning spades, forcing his LHO to make another agonising choice : either pitching away the boss heart or diamond 10. Choosing the latter, declarer naturally jettisoned the diamond Ace from dummy, claiming the last two tricks with the Qx of diamonds.

What I had witnessed was the extremely rare REPEATED JETTISON SQUEEZE ...........something you're more likely to come across in a book than at the table. It was spectular to watch, and see it unfold at the table, because this was only way to bring home this amazing grand slam.

LAW REPORT : CRIME IS IN THE AIR

ENVIRONMENTAL HEALTH AGENCY v. OFFICERS OF THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC ( 2011 )

( The Slaughter House BC was brought before the Crown Court to face various charges under the Pollution Prevention and Control Act 1999. Undaunted by the prospect of incurring a massive fine, the club's chairman Bigot-Johnson, decided to take on the job as defence counsel to both the consternation and dismay of his fellow officers. An extract from the trial's transcript appears below. )

Prosecutor : Bigot-Johnson, are you aware of the directives laid down in the Pollution Prevention and Control Act of 1999 ?

B-J : No....

P : Well, allow me to enlighten you somewhat. Air pollution comes about when substances, such as chemicals, particulate matter and/or biological material, are released into the natural composition of air. The human production of substances that do not comprise a part of the naturally occurring biological make up of the air is without doubt a major cause of air pollution. Legal directives are now in place to regulate these anthropogenic sources of air pollution. Human activities that cause air pollution include of course waste incineration, and other domestic activities.

B-J : Heavens above....I cannot for the life of me see how we as acting officers of a bridge club have caused or brought about an environmental threat with regards to the health and well being of our members.

P : I beg to differ.....Indeed, my next line of questioning will surely expose your culpability with regards to these dreadful eco-crimes. All you have to do is answer these simple questions " yes " or "no "

B-J : Oh if I must....

P : Do bridge players tend to do a lot of huffing and puffing ?

B-J : Yes...

P : Do they blow hot and cold when results don't go their way ?

B-J : Yes...

P : Are nearly all your members over 6o years of age ?

B-J : Yes...

P : And prone to flatulence ?

B-J : Too bloody right .....

P : And suffering from weak bladders and bowel muscles ?

B-J : Yes....God, do you know your stuff....

P : Not forgetting decaying teeth and halitosis ?

B-J : Yes....yes

P : Along with poor sense of smell which is mainly responsible for their deteriorating standards in personal hygiene?

B-J : By God...you're so right...

P : And of course there's all their ailments and age-related medical conditions, many of which are highly infectious

B-J : Yes...yes...yes......I see where you are coming from !

P : Therefore, I put it to you that air inside your club is saturated with an unnatural cocktail of dangerous pollutants and nasty germs, never to be encountered anywhere else on this planet. Your bridge club, and no doubt hundreds of others, have now become the major centres of serious eco-crimes. The negative effects of contaminated air on attending members is all too plain to see, as evidenced by the symptoms observed and recorded by the agency's visiting inspectors.

B-J : Such as ?

P : Well, their notes show that dozens of players, even the healthier ones, had real difficulties in breathing. Endless accounts of players gasping, wheezing, sniffing, coughing.......along with a whole load of other sounds and gestures associated with respiratory and cardiac problems.

B-J : Yes, I would be tempted to agree with you that air pollution could be the reason behind these negative symptoms they had outlined. But their conclusions and yours are all wrong. All these particular responses are nothing more than players trying to convey unauthorised information across to their partners.

P : Are you sure ?

B-J : Absolutely, my club is full of unethical players who will use any " wheeze " they can to impart coded messages to their partners.

Judge : Well, I never.......and if that is the case, then there is no case to answer. There appears to be no medical evidence at all of any deleterious or dangerous effects of air pollution upon the club's members. The air quality may well be bad....possible rank.... but strangely oblivious to these low-life cheating dogs. I'm off.....

B-J : Too right......the air in this courtroom is certainly nothing to write home about either !

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG................

Dear Rebecca,

I never know what to do for the best. Why just the other day I was dealt a blizzard , with a 2-5-3-3 distribution and not a single card higher than a nine. My partner's take out double of the opponent's opening 1D was immediately met with a resounding redouble by my RHO.

Not that familiar with my partner's bidding style, I didn't want to bid 1H for fear of it being interpreted as a free bid showing some values. Yet a pass would obviously put pressure on my partner to find a bid, causing me to be fearful of a 1S response based on a less than robust 4 card suit. We were vulnerable, and I thought that the redouble released me from having to bid on such a wretched hand. Moreover, there was every hope that my LHO might bid again. Unfortunately he didn't, and my partner did indeed bid 1S. This of course got whacked for 4 off and minus 1100.

And boy did I get it in the neck, especially when it transpired that 1H might only go two off doubled for a half decent score. What's your take on this ?

Yours forever barking up the wrong tree Elma Birch

Dear Elma,

The most common situation, where it is essential to use the free bid, is when your RHO doubles your partner's one level opening bid. So by having insufficient values to redouble, any free bid by you simply flags up scattered values, and of course the best spot to be in.

In one respect, the redouble could release you from any obligation to bid, and in some bidding systems a pass in your position could be taken as strong ( possibly indicating a penalty pass ). However, if you are playing a bog standard system, a pass is not to be recommended at all. If your partner becomes declarer in any suit other than hearts, your hand is utterly worthless. However, if you bid a heart. which partner should and ought to recognise as weak, then he must remain very disciplined ( and pass throughout ), leaving you in control. Now, if you end up as declarer in a doubled one heart contract, your hand now offers some trick potential. Therefore, in circumstances where you seem to have no partnership agreement or understanding, just use plain old common sense and trust your partner to use his.

Yours hoping I've got to the root of your problem, Rebecca

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED ...............

• Interference : what one always gets from an irritating club member who likes to butt into other players' private conversations or discussions
• Reverse : a clever manoeuvre which should be only undertaken when (a) you at the wheel of your car, and (b) your errant partner as instructed is looking inside the boot
• Kickback : an action that should be done will real force against any player that happens to upset you
• Outside feature : a term used to describe a physical characteristic of a player's face, such as a red bulbous nose, or extremely hairy ears
• Minimum raise : the ultimate embarrassment for player who boasts about his sexual prowess
• Delayed raise : a situation which usually occurs when an embarrassed member resorts to viagra
• Maximum raise : one with an elavation of well over 90 degrees : often the first requirement for a player who has set his heart on getting a big score

LAW REPORT : PANTOPOD v. BIGOT-JOHNSON (2010 )

( As usual Bigot-Johnson, the scourge of the District Crown Court, was in the dock again facing a private prosecution for malicious persecution. The victim of this alleged crime was none other than Percy Pantopod, a fellow club member of the Walnut Tree Allotment BC. Bigot, almost an expert in the art of defending himself, was full of confidence, having only to face the inexperienced Percy who took on the role of prosecutor . An extract from the trial's transcript appears below. )

Percy : Have you and I ever had a civil relationship ?

Bigot : Has the Virgin Mary ever slept with the Devil ?

Percy : Well answer me this. Do you go out of your way to humiliate me at the table, and to embarrass me in front of my peers ?

Bigot : No...no...no. I have never had to do anything at the tables.........you just simply humiliate and embarrass yourself with your inept play and dumb remarks. You have a natural gift for being a buffoon. And as for being ridiculed in front of your peers......well, since everyone treats you as the club buffoon, it patently obvious you've got no peers !

Percy : What....you mean to say that I am a man of such little reputation, club members look upon me as a complete non-entity as well as a fool ?

Bigot : Upon my soul, your perceptiveness surprises me . And you have such a way with words. I'm beginning to warm to you a bit.

Percy : But was it not the case that during the club's " Individual " event, I not only had to partner you but also play against on three or four occasions.

Bigot : Yes...

Percy : And do you recall that penultimate round when we were finally paired together ?

Bigot : Yes...

Percy : And because you knew I was on the verge of winning this competition for the first time, you failed to raise my ( 15-17 ) 1NT....... on a decent 9 count......... on two consecutive hands.

Bigot : I was trying to ensure you came away from these two boards with positive scores. I've seen your declarer play....and it isn't pretty. So please do not interpret my " pity " as something akin to an insult, or an act of malicious persecution.

Percy : But on both contracts I made 10 tricks !

Bigot : Yes, with helpful defence, you did manage to raise your game from abysmal to just short of mediocre...

Percy : Ah... but then we come to all those incidents where you were sitting in the opposite direction. You ignored all my chat and social pleasantries by constantly scribbling away on tatty pieces of paper ......like a man possessed.

Bigot : Quite so, I was composing letters of complaint about your lack of personal hygiene, not to mention a few more anonymous poison pen-letters and hate mail..... a tradition that has been going on now for several years.

Percy : Judge ....did you just hear that confession ?

Judge : Sorry ...no....I was just nodding off...

Percy : Bigot...will you repeat what you said to me for the benefit of this docile and dopey judge ?

Bigot : No....I do not wish to prejudice my defence .....for a second time

Percy : Well, I have nothing more then to say..

Bigot : Thank God for that...

Judge : Well, I'm with you on this one Bigot. This Percy fellow is indeed a prat. In my view there is no evidence of malicious persecution, only evidence of a caring and considerate man ( namely yourself ), taking up a great deal of his precious time to inform this prat that he is indeed a complete one. Some men deserve the contempt of others and Pantopod belongs to such an unfortunate group.

Percy : Why.....this ruling is an outrage. Call this justice ? Can't you do anything that is right !

Judge : Yes....I damn well can.....officers, arrest this man for contempt of court.....and take him down to the cells.

Bigot : Well.....I'm so flabbergasted.....you could shag me with a rag man's trumpet..

Judge : Is that colloquialism for " bugger me " ?

Bigot : Indeed it is....

Judge : So will a trombone do ? .....because as it happens, I have a rather large one in my chambers......

LATEST BRIDGE BOOK RELEASES FOR 2011....... ( Research by Pun )

• My Partner Gets My Nerves On Edge........................Denise R. Knocking
• Bald Bridge Players Are Not A Patch On Me..............Hedda Hare
• That Was One Hell Of A Victory Margin....................Alan Slyde
• Every Hand Excites Me No End................................Dick Stillard
• The Art Of Obstructive Bidding.................................Phil E. Buster
• Does She Make A Racket When She Loses.................Kata Wall
• Disasters Always Come Out Of The Blue....................Sue Denley
• Things You Have To Drum Into Your Partners.........Tim Penny
• Bridge Can Inflict So Much Despair And Woe............Bea Tide
• Hold On Partner, Don't Rush Me...............................Ima Cummin

PARTNERSHIP HARMONY : UNDERMINING IT IS SUCH A SIN ( Article by Bridgemeister Gibson )

Being a good player alone doesn't bring success. And even if you pair up with another top class player, that too doesn't necessarily guarantee success. This is because there are many other factors which are vital in one's pursuit of glory and fame.......... none more so than having that elusive " partnership harmony ".

Indeed, many authors have addressed this topic from various different angles. Blaine Howe, a few years back, wrote a marvellous article entitled " My Seven Deadly Partnership Sins ". So having taken a lead from that little masterpiece, I have decided to focus my attention to answering the question : " What tends to undermine partnership harmony ? "

Clearly, there are many factors on which partnership harmony is built. Factors such as mutual trust, co-operation and forgiveness : the true and most important foundation stones. There has to be also compatible attitudes, values and beliefs about the way the game should be played. Communicating a strong belief and confidence in the other's ability to do what is right is a vital component too. Therefore, if anything undermines these factors, then partnership harmony is seriously under threat. And so I have listed below all the unsavoury and destructive forces that have cause disharmony in the ranks, causing many a partnership to break up acrimoniously. These forces, in essence, represent behavioural traits which are both shameful and reprehensible :

1. Theatrical body language that conveys contempt, hatred, anger or despair

2. Snide comments often invoking sarcastic cliches, barbed jokes, pointed remarks and cutting quips

3. Displays and/or outbursts of blatant hypocrisy

4. Non-stop, relentless preaching, where the focus is on belittling partner rather than offering friendly advice

5. Selective blindness, observing mistakes only from the opposite side of the table

6. Exposing a massive superiority complex, which is completely unfounded

7. A passion for post mortems on each and every hand

8. A ticking time-bomb personality, where the smallest incident can pull the trigger

9. Applying double standards, where the same mistake warrants a far more severe reprimand if committed on the other side of the table

10. Arrogance which is so self-destructive, it brings on tactical immaturity, and rash decisions

11. A zero tolerance level which manifests itself in the form of extreme impatience, petty-mindedness, impetuosity and acts of negative behaviour

12. A sadistic tendency to ridicule and humilate partner infront of others

If as a player you believe in the importance of partnership harmony, and the benefits that this brings, then do not..... under any circumstances...... allow yourself to succumb to any of these unfortunate character traits. And more importantly, don't ever stay with a partner who sadly has succumb to one or more of these inner forces of destruction. Not only will you enjoy your bridge more, but your results might well start to improve.

PHILOSOPHICAL REFLECTIONS ON BRIDGE ........... ( By Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

Bridge governing bodies are made up of all kinds of folk, people who yearn for, and relish, the power of office. Indeed, officers of such bodies can always be found to possess two distinct qualities :

(i) stupid or clever

(ii) lazy or industrious

In very rare circumstances, some officers may be seen to possess both commendable characteristics, as well as both the less desirable ones. In the majority of cases, officers tend to possess one good trait, one bad. This is known as simply being " human ".

However, the success or failure of that governing body depends on which two characteristics a particular officer possesses. For out of the four possible combinations, one becomes a prerequisite for disaster :

- those who are lazy and stupid pose no threat whatesover

- officers who are lazy and clever have all the right credentials to attain the highest leadership posts, without ever wishing or wanting to rock the boat

- and as for those individuals who are both clever and industrious, they tend not to stay for long, preferring instead to move on to ventures that will offer far more rewarding challenges

- but then we come to the loose cannons, meddlers and mavericks, who are both stupid and industrious. Those who cannot be stopped or controlled. Those who cannot see the folly of their actions. Those who are extremely dangerous, and who must be stopped by whatever means possible, before further disaster and mayhem transpires.

Yes, governing bodies are made up of all types, but that's what helps make the this world of bridge so incredibly bizarre.

WHAT REALLY HAPPENS BEHIND

THE SCENES :

A NATIONAL

TEAMS

SELECTION

COMMITTEE

AT WORK

.........

.........

" All those in favour of excluding wealthy bridge sponsors from the list of nominations, raise your hands....."

( Footnote : It is a common feature of nearly all committees that they can be dominated by one, or just a few, ruthless individuals. These powerful figures will not allow other committee members to deflect them from fulfilling their secret motives and personal agendas. Indeed, they will go to incredible lengths to get their way, adopting a multitude of unscruplous and underhand tactics in the process. The cliche " not much you can do when your hands are tied " is one which immediately comes to mind. )

BRIDGE BOOKS BIGOT-JOHNSON SWEARS BY.........

• I Don't Know What's Up With Me Today, Partner.......Norma Lee Withett
• I'm Giving Up Bridge For A While..............................Holly Dayin
• Sorry Partner, I've Lost The Urge To Continue..........Drew Peacock
• Yes, Players Do Regard Me As A Pro.........................Ima Hore
• We Can't Pick Him Again, He's A Liability..................Enid Sturgoe
• In Bridge, Take Whatever You Can............................Rob M. Blind
• What I Would Really Like To Do Over Christmas.......Roger A. Goose
• I Just Can't Help Getting Tops...................................Honor Roll
• What's The Portland Pairs All About Then ?.............Mick Stubbles
• My Problem Is I Don't Bid Up Enough.......................Tim Merrity

ANOTHER POETIC MASTERPIECE FROM DR.SIGMUND T. SCHUKELGRUBER.....

One couldn't help notice he was up and jumping

So confident of winning his black heart was pumping

An excitable man they all said

As top followed top, his joy reached new bounds

His whooping and wailing were all happy sounds

An excitable man they all said

Oh indeed a very excitable man

But when his partner binned a great slam

He rose from his seat screaming, " Damn.. Damn "

An excitable man they all said

More mishaps followed, things weren't going well

He was going ballistic it was easy to tell

An excitable man they all said

Oh indeed a very excitable man

Entering up scores with a percentage of nil

He was ready to maim, and ready to kill

An excitable man they all said

Then a four off doubled, he could stand no more

So he strangled his partner who slumped to the floor

An excitable man they all said

Oh indeed a very excitable man

So highly strung

So mercurial

So unpredictable

So volatile

Well, what do you expect from a bridge player !

BODY LANGUAGE AND BRIDGE.............. ( Article by Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber )

Well. unless we sit at the tables like corpses in an advanced state of rigor mortis, with dead pan faces and the stiffness of statues, then body language becomes unavoidable. Therefore, as ethical and honest bridge players, we all have to make an effort to control it, but unfortunately it is a task that many of us fail.

Clearly, there are two big reasons why body language has to be controlled.

Firstly, there are all sorts of facial and body mannerisms, which can convey to an astute partner, well skilled in reading " tells ", that you are encountering a certain type of problem. This can be whether ( or not ) to bid, which bid is the lesser of two evils, which card makes a safe opening lead, or what suit needs to be played next. " Tells " of course add up to unauthorised information, and clearly puts pressure on partner to do the right thing. But this could require him to do something that he really doesn't want to do. Classic examples of these naughty tells include :

- lots of puffing and blowing

- huddles and lengthy hesitations

- finger positioning and movements

- squirming and fidgeting

- smiles, nods of approval or head shaking and scowls

- instant, lightening quick play of a card

- hand hovering over the bidding box

- light or heavy placement of bidding cards on the table

However, body language also has another purpose beyond a deliberate or subconscious attempt to pass information over to partner. The aim here is to convey another type of message, usually with regards to one's agitated state of mind, negative thoughts, feelings and emotions. Facial mannerisms and body movements are carefully selected to show one's contempt, hatred, anger and despair over partner's inept play. Body language here is adopted with the aim of punishing and reprimanding partner in a silent....but far more effective way that words ever could. Classic examples here include :

- slumped body, dropping of head, or head in hands

- shoulder shrugs

- teeth/hand clenching

- arm flailing

- frozen look with open-mouth

- black look with bared teeth

- tongue-biting

- rolling of eyes

Yet, many players will defend the use of body language claiming ( quite rightly ) that it enriches the game, just from its entertainment value alone. Then there is the drama and theatrics it generates, helping to bring the game to life. Yet the reality at the tables is that body language is at the centre of most cheating allegations, as well as being instrumental in driving many people away from the game.

Now I don't want to see bridge players operating like pre-programmed androids with fixed facial expessions and identical body movements. But at the same time, I don't want to become a victim of any untoward body language. A delicate balance needs to be struck. Therefore, players need to adopt and apply the principle of preparedness, to bid and play the cards in even tempo, and to learn how to enjoy the game and to laugh at their misfortunes.

A CHRISTMAS STORY......................... ( Fantasy bridge by Pun )

Once upon a time four well known Christmas characters sat down to play a game of rubber bridge that was to end up with little goodwill and even less seasonal cheer. It was December 1987 when Santa Claus teamed up with the inebriated red-nosed Rudolph. Their opponents as always were Snowman and his partner the mischievous Tree Fairy.

" What are the stakes going to be then? " queried the Tree Fairy.

" Why not some big dough for once ! " replied Santa. "

" Yes....I like the idea of playing for big bucks ", chirped in Rudolph.

" Ok then.." said Santa, " ....let's make it £1 a point. "

" I agree... "

And so the match began.

After the first ten or so deals the Snowman was flying high, having bid and made 7 frigid games on the trot. Poor Santa had make the mistake of thinking Snowy was still a harmless nobody, but now he realised what a cold and calculating person he was.

But then for no apparent reason , Snowy's partner, The tree Fairy, suddenly decided to take uncharacteristic flights of fancy.......bidding exceptionally frisky contracts on a whim. Had she gone barking mad.....or what ? She seemed completely unable to twig the extent of the damage she was doing to their partnership. Phantom sacrifices and light-weight pre-empts had already caused the Snowman to go a deathly white. Santa was in for the kill, sharpening his claws, and ready to pounce.

" Let's slay'em, Rudolph " he thought to himself, hoping to rein in even more juicy doubles.

" Well done, Santa " beamed a happy Rudolph, trying as always to fawn his way into his master's affections.

Indeed, the Snowman was really beginning to feel the heat, as his early winnings were rapidly melting away. Yet he froze with fear at the prospect of the Tree Fairy leaving her senses completely. So when he caught her atttention, he hit her with a cold icy stare that would surely chill her to the bone.

Initially, the Tree Fairy was rooted to the spot. She was stumped as to what he was so upset about, but as luck would have it her next wild and random bids all paid off. Santa's doubles of part-scores started to hand them fortuitous games. He seemed to be handing out gifts left, right and centre.

Now, it was the turn of Rudoplh to despair at his partner's ill-judged bids. Appalling decisions that were getting right up his nose. As far as he was concerned Santa was on the verge of being given the sack. His roof for once was about to cave in.

" Santa, " he screamed , " why the bloody hell double them in 2S when you had a huge red suit of your own ? You're a bumbling old fool. In fact, I've had enough ......and I'm going outside for a late night glide.... "

" No...don't...it's looks as though it's to going to rain, dear " pleaded Santa.

" Very funny....not ", snapped Rudolph.

" Heaven's above ", exclaimed the Tree Fairy, " I'm finding all this ill-feeling sapping my enthusiam to carry on."

And on that note, the match came to a rather abrupt and unexpected ending.

Rudolph, however, was already at the door.

" Where you going gliding off to ? " asked the Snowman

" I've got a stag do to go to..." came the sharp but apt reply.

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG.................

Dear Rebecca,

Can you help me with some questions ?

I was playing bridge the other night with the self-proclaimed club professional, when the following deals occurred:

Board 11. After 2 passes I opened a light 1S in 3rd position ( still within the rule of 19) , only to see my partner slam down the 4NT card ( Blackwood enquiry ). My 5D ( one Ace ) response forced him to sign off in 5S. His hand was : AK10xxxx....Kxx.....Qx.....x . Three top winners in the minors were cashed by my gleeful opponents before I even blinked.

Board 16. After 2 passes I opened a weak 2S. No surprise then to hear my LHO double ( not alerted as take out or 18+ points ), and partner stepped in with 3 diamonds which was duly passed out. His hand turned out to be : Qxx....KQx.....KJ10xx.....xx. Result minus 200 for 2 down for another second bottom. When asked about this visionary bid, he simply replied : " I was expecting them to bid and reach 4H, whereupon I was going to whack down a double ".

Board 17. Here my RHO opened 1D, passed round to partner who made a protective bid of 1NT ( 11-14 points ), which I was happy to pass with 7 HCP and K108xx in diamonds. Due to a fortuitous lead of a low heart from AKxx to my partner's bare queen !.......12 tricks steam-rollered in. This converted a potential third bottom into a fortuitous near top. His hand was K10xx....Q......x.....AKQJxxx

Board 24. I opened fourth in hand 1S, and my partner bid 2C ( showing 10+ points ), but after a few more torturous bids we finished up in 3S going off one for a joint bottom. His hand was xx.....10xx.......AKQJx....xxx. If my partner had bid a more sensible 2D, he might well have left my 2S rebid in for a good score.

So what I want to know is this :

1. Is my partner criminally insane to the extent he should be sectioned under the 199o Mental Health Act ?

2. Or should I be the one who needs sectioning having agreed to play with this man ?

3. Do self-proclaimed experts have a licence to bid what the hell they like, never to be accountable for the mishaps their lunatic bids create?

Years in desperate need, Skippy from Stockport

Dear Skippy,

Boy ...no bones about it.... you certainly had a torrid time !

How he couldn't find an opening bid himself on board 11 beggars belief. Moreover, there was no need to rush to 4NT, with so many other forcing bids available to him. What a loose cannon.

As for board 16....well I'm truly perplexed by his bid. If he must bid, then a raise in spades is the most obvious move. Moreover if you have a minimum of 6 points, then the opponents only have a combined 23 count at best, which is clearly touch and go for reaching and making 4H. Best bid in my view is 3S and await developments.

The next hand surely warranted a double hoping to find you holding a biddable spade suit. If he hears a heart bid, then he can either go back to clubs, or try 2D/3D to enquire about you having a possible diamond stop with 3NT clearly in mind.

Clearly on board 24, your partner is fixated with indicating a point count rather than which long suit he has his points in. Even if 2D is seen as a weak bid in your system, he is best advised to use it as a waiting bid to see what you do next. This way he can certainly raise your 2NT to three with confidence. Bidding over your 2S rebid with 3D is wildly optimistic and undisciplined.

So " yes " is my answer to both question 1 and 2. His bids are classic splitter bids, guaranteed to split apart even the most rock-solid partnerships. Moreover, you should never play with anyone who talks complete bull-shit when attempting to defend the indefensible.

Yours I too have recently played with this man but I'm still undergoing therapy , Rebecca

BIGOT-JOHNSON : WHO I REALLY AM ?

If one was to strip away my alter egos, the man that remains would be nothing out of the ordinary. A dull man, rigidly fixated on wearing nothing but brown or grey trousers and shirts. Desperate to please and be accepted by others. Indeed, over the years I have allowed my naivety and gullibility to expose me to all forms of exploitation . Not once did I ever stop to reflect whether the process I was undertaking was in my best interests, such was my lack of awareness and understanding of personal, moral and political issues .

Having failed miserably to achieve any form of public acclaim, fame or fortune, I thankfully called upon my alter egos to rescue my situation. They seized the opportunity to " redesign me ", and turn me into world renown bridge blogger, thereby fulfilling long held fantasies of being a highly successful writer. Yet to my great consternation and dismay, I have been forced to accept that most of my readers view my material as " scandalous rot ", " total drivel ", and " utterly disgraceful ". Ouch.... those comments really hurt.

However, I must admit as a bridge player I am probably guilty of more untold breaches of the rules than any other. These I feel were originally down to a combination of inadvertence and ignorance. Nowadays, it is due to a lethal combination of extreme bloody-mindedness and breath-taking arrogance. Thankfully, most members at the Walnut Tree and the Slaughter House seem quite prepared to tolerate all my misdemeanours........or else turn the proverbial blind eye.

And so the real man behind Bigot-Johnson will, after finishing this post, return to the shadows. This means of course Bigot will be back in control. But as I cling onto these fleeting moments where for once I have center stage, I must now free myself completely from this strait-jacket of self-denial.......and finally answer the question as to who I really am.

Yes.....I, John Howard Gibson, am nothing more than a pale shadow of the man I would like to be. A dreamer. A fantasist. A role player. A faceless man......but thankfully one who possesses many masks.

LAW REPORT : MRS. BIGOT-JOHNSON v. BIGOT-JOHNSON (2010)

( Finally, an emotionally battered and bruised Mrs. Bigot-Johnson arrived at the High Court to petition for divorce. The marriage had remarkably lasted many years, but the demon Bigot-Johnson still wanted it to continue. He therefore elected to defend himself, desperate to hold onto the one woman he trusted to iron his shirts, and darn his socks, properly. A transcript of this unforgetable hearing can be seen below. )

Counsel for the plaintiff (CP ) : My client is petitioning for divorce on 3 grounds.......

B-J : The woman's gone mad.....just what the hell does she think she's doing ?

CP : Your honour, this appears to be the utterance of an imbecile..... or an infant

Judge : Without doubt.....

CP : The first ground of course is unreasonable behaviour, which I might add goes all the way back to 1980, the year they got married. Right from the off this dreadful man would spent every night in bed thinking about hands he had played that day. So pre-occupied was he about the mistakes and mishaps at the table, he failed to recognise her presence even though she was waiting patiently beside him. Even when he woke up, his mind was still mulling over dozens of unresolved bridge issues.

Judge : Shame on you Bigot......can there be more to this horror story?

CP : Indeed, there can your honour....this apology of a husband is also guilty of spending most of his time at home.......delving into bridge books........and writing endless letters of complaint to club committees and bridge governing bodies.

Judge : A scandalous waste of time.....

CP : Now I come onto the matter of desertion. This relates to Bigot spending 4 nights a week at his local clubs, plus weekends away at Congress events, where venues are often hundreds of miles away......in a fruitless and futile pursuit of a major trophy.

Judge : What ! He hasn't managed to win a trophy in 30 years....which by my reckoning is around 1600 attempts ?

CP : No..... he certainly hasn't....for he's as useless at bridge as he is at being a husband

B-J : I object to these accusations

Judge : Over-ruled.... I'll have you know that in the war they used to shoot deserters !

CP : Indeed, the total time Bigot spent away from home playing bridge was around 72 hours a week. Add to that time spent at work , reading, writing letters, and sleeping..... then only 6 hours remained for any interaction with his wife. This, of course, took place at meal times when demanding his food.

Judge : I've never heard anything so appalling....

CP : Well, there's more to come. The third ground on which my client is petitioning for divorce concerns Bigot's acts of adultery.

Judge : What, he did the dirty on her...more than once ?

CP : Yes....on a regular basis..... even while they were dating...... and certainly since they've been married

Judge : Such behaviour I find inexpressibly repugnant ! Was sex involved ?

CP : In a way yes.....so allow me to explain. Bridge involves having many partners. Relationships with partners can get very intense. Some hands really do generate huge excitement, big climaxes and if things go their way.....immense joy and satisfaction. Joy that excels orgasms. Many a time the Bigot has come home with soiled trousers.

Judge : How disgusting....

CP : Yes, bridge is Bigot's substitute for real sex. The game in fact is a grotesque simulation of sex......and in my view it should be banned as obscene.

Judge : Hell, I'm with you all the way on that one...it's about time we had a wider definition of what constitutes adultery !

CP : So in conclusion I am forced to accept, on purely humane terms, that the childless Mrs. Bigot-Johnson has been blighted, rejected and completely ignored by her husband. I can only describe her as barren .......oops..... I mean " her marriage as barren " ......and that of course might well be understatement.

Judge : I totally agree.....and I have no hesitation in finding for your client. The petition therefore will proceed accordingly, and a decree nisi will be awarded here and now. You Bigot will be obliged to vacant the matrimonial home immediately, and seek out rented accommodation. The next hearing will be in 6 months when the decree will be made absolute, with all property and chattels to be assigned to your ex-wife. Have you sir... anything at all to say to this court ?

B-J : Bugger.....

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : THE SALTZBURG TWIG PHENOMENON

Whenever players sit down for the first time with each other, the new partnership always starts out as a bed of roses. Both are careful not to tread on any toes or do anything that might jeopardise a perfect start. Each looks at the other through rose tinted glasses. Every effort is given to promote harmony and partnership well being. Best behaviour from the word " go " becomes a must, if first impressions are to turn out as the right ones.

Each partner therefore perceives the other like a Saltzburg twig, glistening in the light with its delicate cover of beautiful salt crystals. And not surprisingly, when we have something of beauty the Human Condition makes us treat it with respect, in the same way we would if blessed with a new car. Such an acquisition necessitates for every proud owner a complete change of habits : safe parking, new smell preservation, rubbish free interior, scratch paranoia, regular cleaning and paintwork buffing, and empty road driving. Likewise, bridge players also tend to operate in this over-protective way with any new partners. Indeed, when this phenomenon takes hold, a player automatically adapts his/her behaviour accordingly:

- displaying extreme politeness and bonhomie at all times

- offering kind words of support and comfort

- complete adherence too the agreed system card

- disciplined bidding with no flights of fancy

- honesty in owning up to mistakes

- accepting mishaps, and partner's mistakes, with genuine sympathy and forgiveness

- laughing off bad results

However, this phenomenon is very short lived, as with the beauty of the Saltzburg twig. As the crystals drop off one by one, the ugly twig from within is revealed.....and then of course reviled. As a player exposes his weaknesses and faults, a truer picture of who he really is begins to emerge, enticing the other to make critical observations. A vicious circle then quickly develops, where a few criticisms by one player sees the dozens of salt crystals dropping from his twig, revealing many of his flaws and personal short-comings in a single act. These shocking revelations will be seized upon by the other, who will retaliate with even more venom. Within weeks the both players are reduced to two ugly twigs with not a single crystal left between them. The beasts from within have been let loose. The partnership honeymoon is well and truly over. Familiarity yet again has bred utter contempt. Divorce looks inevitable. And so both players will then go their separate ways looking for new partners, where the phenomenon will once again resurface. Such is the bizarre world of bridge.

AS BRIDGE PLAYERS YOU KNOW YOU'RE OVER THE HILL WHEN........

- You find club members laughing at you..... rather than with you

- Your only chance of getting a semi-decent partner is to rely on the stand-by system

- Dreaming about becoming a good player has become a real embarrassment

- It becomes necessary to sit on comfortable seats..... with pads on

- In the interests of your physical health, another 3 hours of sitting down becomes eminently sensible

- You fail to appreciate the fact that " pacing yourself " has turned you into the club's slowest player

- Opponents stare at you as you play the cards.....but never in a complimentary or good way

- Looking for your name on the results list is a lot quicker if you start from the bottom upwards

- The only time you now pull off a successful squeeze is if you can get into trousers you bought 3 years ago

- Table talk about " master strokes " and " heart attacks " makes you feel distinctly uncomfortable

BIGOT-JOHNSON GIVES SANTA THE LIST :

Naming all those members of the Slaughter House BC

to be EXCLUDED from getting any Christmas

presents whatsoever

...... having been found guilty of committing the most horrendous crimes

ever witnessed

in the bidding

and play

of the cards