TYPICAL                                                                        BRIDGE

PLAYERS

FROM A

BYGONE

AGE

.......

WHEN

THERE

REALLY

WAS A

MAJESTY

AND

MAGIC
ABOUT

THE GAME

( Article by Carp )

When I look at this photo I am hit by all the positive characteristics that so vividly come across by these very distinguished-looking gentlemen. I see the game being played by people who knew how to dress , because they all had a sense of occasion which prioritised bridge as an important event in their weekly calendar.......one which warranted both time and effort to look   good and to look smart .

But what strikes me most of all is their demeanour , which I firmly believe would be ever present at the table :  dignity , composure , calmness ,  and  respectful appreciation of partners and opponents alike . Yet beneath their refined , educated , outward appearance , they all give the impression of possessing a very careful and clinical approach to their bidding and play the cards ,  bringing out in the process ,  all the joy and exhilaration that only this wonderful game can provide . 

A NIGHT TO REMEMBER....... ( A snippet from a newspaper article by a bridge correspondent , who had the misfortune to turn up as a visitor for a Saturday night duplicate , at the Slaughter House BC )  

" ........This club was hell on earth......with a room heaving with hard-nosed men , and rather robust women , who would have made a troop of war veterans from Afghanistan look like a bunch of brownies on a Sunday school outing. The duplicate there was an intense and bitter war of attrition , a dog-eat-dog debacle, where bridgemates, fists and insults were constantly flying everywhere.

I have seen ruthless gold-diggers play nap in the Australian outback , twenty stone bruisers   holding blackjack banks on a South Sea pirate ships, and sharp-eyed   mavericks take on mean spirited ex-cons  in big money games of poker ,  with everyone keeping a magnum point 45 very close to hand.......but I've never met a more scary bunch of card sharps as I did that night at the Slaughter House Bridge Club.

Indeed , I felt an extremely lucky man to survive the evening with my body and head intact  , since it was obvious from the start that my presence there was not welcome. Most of the players set out to bait me ,  hoping to seize upon my instinct to respond in order to channel their pent up ferocity into full scale attack. But I was wise ,  and kept my head safely below the parapet.

But if this is what a duplicate night in the 21st century is all about then I would rather spend a day locked up in a cage with a giant over-sexed gay gorilla high on viagra......than go back to a  place where Armageddon and bridge had collided..... "

    

OH PARTNER ! ........ ( Another classic poem from the fertile mind and gifted pen of Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber ) 
.....
.....

My God, what on earth are you doing ?

Are you trying to make me feel ill ?

Your errors just tear me asunder

Like a blow torch cuts through steel

Having just butchered a simple slam

The one that was colder than ice
Forget about me being forgiving
No more can I be " Mr. Nice "

And as for apologies don't bother

Because none can ease my pain

As a player I now rate as " zero "

Or one who's completely insane

.....
.....

SURVEY
REVEALS

MAGAZINE

READERS
TO BE

SICK

DEPRAVED

LOW LIFE

MISFITS

OF THE

BRIDGE

WORLD

...........

AN INCIDENT WHICH RECENTLY TOOK PLACE INSIDE THE WORLD'S FRIENDLIEST BRIDGE CLUB...... ( A truly unbelievable story by Bridgemeister Gibson )

Committee member ( CM ) : Excuse me sir....but I do not like the look of your face

Visitor ( V ) : But.....but.....I've only just arrived........and this is the first time I 've ever played here

CM : That's irrelevant.....I don't like the cut of your jib......and I certainly don't like the smart-arse way you've been answering my questions.....in fact you're not welcome in the club at all !

V : What do you mean ?

CM : Oh....so you want me to spell it out in crystal clear terms ....right then.....here goes.... why don't you get lost , bog off , take a hike , sling yer hook , get on yer bike , sod off..... or in other words take a run and jump

V : I  don't understand...

CM :  My God ...you just don't get it ....you thick , dim witted , garbage-for-brains illiterate .....I'm telling you to PISS OFF......and never come back here again 

V : Does this mean then.....I'm.....?

CM: Yes it does....you're barred,  blackballed , excluded , boycotted, banished, expelled, which all adds up to the same thing.....

V :  What's that ?
CM : You're banned....                                                               

V :  So will I get my table money back ?

CM : Over my dead body........ Hey Ronnie.....go and get Reggie..... and escort this person off the premises.....in any way you boys see fit  

" BAD

BRIDGE "
REACHES

THE
NADIR
IN CRASS

JOURN-

ALISM

AND

APPALLING

TASTE

...........

PRIVATE MEMBERS CLUBS AND PENDING LAW SUITS....... ( Article by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi ) 

If a private members club gets embroiled into a lawsuit in order to resolve an internal dispute , that journey inevitably places immense stress and worry on all parties concerned. This of course begs the question of whether " going to court "  was the right decision or not ?

Wise men will always point out that it is better to reach a compromise before the litigation process starts rather than later.  The further down the line they travel  , the more difficult it is to stop.......but waiting for them at the end could well be the spectre of bankruptcy. Indeed , litigation is like being on a slippery slope ,  accelerating headlong towards  financial oblivion and long term illness . Unfortunately , once  lawyers get heavily involved in the process ,  the likelihood of one side backing down or conceding becomes a fast fading hope.

The problem of going all the way with a seemingly unresolvable dispute is that neither party ever comes away unscathed. Apart from the financial damage , there are other consequences such as the devastating emotional, physical and psychological damage , which they heap upon themselves and each other..... not to mention dozens of others caught up in the cross-fire.

In all scenarios like this each party has his/her own group of supporters. Consequently . irreparable schisms will appear that can split clubs apart. Sides will be taken , battle lines will be drawn up and hostilities between the two camps will start to escalate. 

However , what is worse..... and should never must ignored...... is the ongoing emotional , physical and psychological damage ,  which impacts not only the the two parties involved , but also their families as well. The threat , the fear , the anxiety of " going to court " with  "  costs esculating by the day " all intensify as time moves on. Moreover , since the law is such a blunt and imprecise instrument predicting outcomes can never be predicted , and so  the nagging uncertainty just adds to the  stress . Often one party pins his/her hopes on a very powerful and supportive legal precedent,  but there is always the danger that a judge might create a precedent of his own , which becomes an exception to the rule. This can be done by distinguishing the case on the facts , where one or two new material facts  can make that significant difference. In situations where there are conflicting precedents , a judge will then decide which one has the more influential bearing.  In other words , going to court is like taking part in a lottery , with no guarantee whatsoever of winning.

Often, the litigation process can run into months if not years. This means that justice may be denied or diluted because of the lengthy time delay. Effective justice needs to be immediate , for when it is delayed the victory can become very hollow indeed. 

However, the real agony comes at the court hearing itself ,  when both parties and witnesses will encounter the most harrowing experience of their lives .  Lawyers rarely  take prisoners. They of course are the only true winners, who paradoxically tell their respective clients " you appear to have a strong case ".  How can that be I ask myself ? Once inside the court room ,  under cross-examination,  optimism quickly turns into  an ordeal, where no one escapes unscathed. The parties and witnesses alike are often   " ripped apart " by these highly trained, extremely skillful , silver-tongued  assassins.

Frustration , anxiety and pressure will certainly engulf both parties , should a civil dispute goes all the way to a court hearing. So the key question now becomes whether or not the judge's decision was worth all that pain and suffering ?.

Financial costs can be economically crippling , and the psychological damage also knows no boundaries. Complex cases are of course the ultimate nightmare , especially when the dispute involves uncharted areas of the law. To embark on a legal journey where there is just a slightest whiff of pending doom has to be viewed as " utter madness ".

Even if a compromise resolution could not be sought at the beginning , then such a goal must become the priority midway through the process ,  by looking for and agreeing to ADR ( alternative dispute resolution ). To argue that mediation or arbitration is not an appropriate option flies in the face of good old common sense. What can possibly be gained from remaining stubborn or stupid.  Accepting a compromise is not  capitulation : it is making the best of a bad situation. Moreover , both parties should not be thinking about themselves , their pride and egos , but recognising the fact that a protracted law suit will severely impact on many other club and family members too. Rejecting ADR is often a choice one or both parties will inevitably come to regret.

 Indeed , with so many wise, old proverbs to fall back on ,  I would implore any party to a dispute to consider and digest the following : 

- two wrongs never make a right

- pick the lesser of two evils

- fools rush in where angels fear to tread

- cut one's coat according to one's cloth

- fool and his money are soon parted

- better to lose a saddle than a horse

  

ETHICS IN BRIDGE............ ( Article by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

The word  " ethics " comes from the Greek word  " ethikos " , meaning character. Indeed , ethics have everything to do with what's " right " and " wrong ". Furthermore , ethics require  individuals to make certain choices with only their conscience to be accountable to. As bridge players we all need to refer to standards of conduct ,  which guide our decisions and behaviour towards constraining the pursuit of self-interest, especially when our actions are likely affect others in an adverse way.

However , my definition of ethics in the context of bridge is simply means  " playing  fair " and not resorting to dubious tactics , which set out to achieve an unfair or unjustified advantage over your opponents.

Therefore , to a very large extent being ethical means being honest , which in turn can be broken down into the following components :

- playing to the rules but never using or exploiting the rules to secure a favourable score

- playing to your agreed system card, never resorting to bluff bids in the form of opening psychs and  wildly off-centre deviations

- owning up to transgressions , even when opponents have nort spotted or perceived them

- switching off to comments made about hands on nearby tables , or alerting opponents to fact you have obtained unauthorized information , albeit in an innocent and inadvertant way

- having a system where all bids can be thoroughly and easily understood by your opponents

- when asked about bids always giving correct and full explanations

- refusing to take advantage of any mechanical errors made by opponents in circumstances where no damage has beeen incurred

- looking to forgive and overlook innocent transgressions committed by nervous and inexperienced opponents , again where no loss is likely to result

- playing the game in a spirit of openness and equality , always putting " sportsmanship " ahead of self-interest

Bridge , as most players would agree , is a most beautiful game , which should never be sullied by result merchants who resort to unehical tactics and behaviour in the pursuit of tops. In my view , far too many players claim to be ethical, when it is blatantly obvious they are not. This conflict of opinion simply stems from their definition of ethics falling well short of mine , which will always embrace every aspect of " honesty at the table ".  

ARE THERE PRIMA DONNAS IN YOUR CLUB ?  DR. JOHN REVEALS WHAT CHARACTER TRAITS TO LOOK OUT FOR.......

Every bridge club will have its small quota of fully blown prima donnas , plus others in the making . The reality of this scenario is that these self-appointed messiahs are destined to irritate and annoy the majority of the members , who are unable to deal with their lordly behaviour and histrionics . But what galls most people is that prima donnas have an uncanny knack of insulating themselves from any form of criticism ,  by over-reacting to even the slightest whiff of it , alleging that they are the innocent victims of inconsiderate and inappropriate threats. By cleverly courting those with power and influence within the club , they are able to obtain all the necessary protection they so desperately need. 

So what are giveaway characteristics and traits of budding prima donnas ? The following list will either confirm your own opinions or provide other invaluable insights into these ego-driven individuals.....

- prone to exaggerated self-consideration, being players who demand to be treated with special deference

- often snooty and fussy , resorting to histrionics  whenever they fail to get their own way

- temperamental and highly conceited ,  considering  themselves as virtuosos at bridge , claiming their skills and abilities are too deep, superior and special to be wasted on partnering riff-raff 

- clearly aware of their own abilities , but always making damn sure everyone else knows too

- whenever confronted by a critical observation , even when it is a generalisation , they will take it as a personal affront

- always on the lookout to make suggestions - solicited or not ( but usually the latter ) - on how to bid and play the cards

- full of dogmatic opinions on all matters relating to bridge , irrespective of the fact that their knowledge in a particular subject area may be severely limited

- even when they are forced to acknowledge a relevant point or worthy argument , they will always start the second half their response with the word " BUT... " 

- prone to leave the table (  and possibly the premises ) overs incidents perceived as unwarranted and unprovoked assaults , hoping that others will heap loads of sympathy upon them in a desperate attempt to coax them back

- demand perks and privileges beyond those of ordinary members , expecting at all times to get preferential treatment

- treat everyone in the club with contempt , as well as in contempt , save for the chosen few who they consider to be " enlightened "

- regard themselves as indispensable 

- love to rub shoulders with the club's elite, engaging in loud conversations littered with bouts of laughter and celebrity name dropping

- usually smart, but never as smart as they think they are -  clearly buried in self-delusion and denial over all their failings and shortcomings

- but too dense to register , show or display empathic feelings for others 

- prone to make life miserable for all their partners, never recognising that their style of " pointing out mistakes " is uniformly confrontational, as opposed to constructive and supportive

- display behavioural symptoms consistent with a diagnosis of either paranoia or a persecution complex

- strong tendency to ally themselves to people in the club who have both influence and power ,  but who are gullible or stupid enough to respond to their beck and call 

- possess obsessive  compulsive disorders that compels them to write in letters of complaints on every occasion , when other members have even dared to disturb , even slightly , their delicate , oh-so-fragile , highly sensitive , and grossly over-inflated egos 

    

BRIDGE BOOKS THAT DEFY DESCRIPTION..... ( Research by the now completely-lost-for-words Pun )

• That Cheating Dog Can Tune Into Anything .......Yves Dropper
• Getting Tops Gives Me So Such Pleasure.........Joy Anna D'Lyte 
• Partner , No More Limp Efforts Please...............Drew Peacock 
• Bridge Over Christmas Is My Idea Of Heaven ....Yul Tidings
• Sometimes You Just Have To Punt Slams.........Honor Whym
• He Only Partners Women Who Play Like Men....Tom Buoys
• I Can't Stand Players Who Fart At The Table......Gus O'Wynd
• Selecting Those Numpties Will Cause A Storm...Gail Warning 
• Flying Bridgemates : What On Earth Are They ?....U . F. Hose
• I Hate Players Who Give You The Hard Stare.......Eve L. Hyde

PUN REVIEWS THE BRIDGE BOOK OF THE YEAR.......

At long last the most eagerly awaited bridge book of all time is due to go on sale next month.   " That Woman Got Me So Wound Up " by Neil Lee Shotter "  is a collection of amusing and shocking tales of high tension table incidents.  Stories about extremely childish tantrums , petty altercations , petulant outbursts, unbelievable histrionics , physical confrontations .....and even murder . 

Most of the incidents portray a sporting arena where players have completely abandoned any desire to show  warmth, tolerance,   respect , and forgiveness  towards opponents and/or partners......by choosing instead to go ape shit !

Not surprisingly the last  and most amazing chapter has been devoted to Myrtle Bennett's killing of her inept husband , who unfortunately bungled a straightforward contract in 4S. However, although  the book is packed full of much smaller incidents , readers cannot help but be amused and entertained by stories , where players have allowed their frustration, anger and utter disbelief to get the better of them. The vitriolic comments , offensive and obscene gestures , and  outrageous displays of childish petulance only serve to demonstrate how oversensitive and prickly some players can be , as well as how cruel and imaginative they can sometimes become ,  when looking to seek vengeance on those who have upset them.

So here are a few snippets from the book , all based on first hand witness reports,  of how players have reacted when their darker , more  malevolent emotions , all  products of the human condition , have been brought to the boil...... 

-  during a tempestuous evening at Bawtry BC one irate player after recording 4 straight bottoms rose from the table to symbolically rip up the scorecard into a 1000 pieces 

- one night at the Slaughter House BC one poor chap , the unfortunate victim of unrelenting verbal harassment  picked up a bridgemate ,  only to shove it straight into the mouth of his overbearing and nagging partner

- then there was an incident at Neasden BC when a player was man-handled by his rather over zealous partner , only for an enquiring opponent to ask the victim : "  That's is serious disciplinary matter....tell me what steps are you going to take ? " Immediately , he dusted himself down and headed straight for the door screaming : " Fucking big steps."  And on that unpleasant note, he strode off  into the night never to be seen again

- however , down at Stourbridge BC one player had been the victim of pre-meditated provocation by an opponent renown for making off-centre bids and psychs. After being hit with four successive psychs , he turned to his nemesis  and said : " I've  really had enough of your unethical bidding......these bloody psychs get right under my nose......in fact this scorecard of yours is nothing more than pure fiction "., whereupon he picked the document up, rolled it into the shape of a cigarette , lit it and placed burning object right under the nose of his adversary , adding the words : " now it's my turn to get up yours "

- finally, back at the Slaughter House BC Bigot-Johnson got so irate with one opponent he stormed off in the direction of the car park , only to return with an executioner's axe in his hands. Repeating over and over again " off ...his head.....off...his head....off...his head  ", Bigot then met fierce resistance from concerned members , who attempted to overpower him in a brave but foolhardy attempt to retrieve the axe. The horrific scuffle lasted for several minutes , by which time ambulances had been called to wheel away the injured, who needed urgent treatment for cuts and half-severed limbs

One helluva book. One helluva read.    

ZERO TOLERANCE POLICIES : REBECCA ROOD SPEAKS HER MIND........

Dear Readers,

I sincerely believe that Zero Tolerance polices should be scrapped. They are a load of bollocks. Why since they've been introduced at my club, the atmosphere and buzz of the place has completely gone.

Most of my friends have been forced to behave like  Sistine  monks , going around politely smiling but fearing to speak, in case of saying anything untoward , politically incorrect or off-putting. Even when they encounter opponents they know to be irritatingly slow ,  or cheating dogs, it has become necessary for them to feign bon hommie and engage in  making banal  platitudes.

Yes, these ZT , nit-picking ,  over protective policies  , which target out-spoken , up-front, totally honest players ,  who only have to do or say the wrong thing , have led to an avalanche of petty minded complaints and disciplinary hearings. Heavens above..... I'm up for my third disciplinary in a month for telling a pompous , obnoxious , lying cheat  what I thought of his underhand unethical behaviour at the table , only for the committee to crack down hard on me as the one guilty of inappropriate behaviour !

However, what really gets my gander up about these ZT policies is the way colourful , witty , entertaining , larger-than-life characters have been driven out of the clubs, or reduced to empty,  lobotomised ,  mere shadows of their former selves. It's too horrible to see . Visions of " One flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest " quickly come to mind.

But what also gets up my craw is the hypocrisy of it all , because zero tolerance as a concept smacks of complete and total intolerance . It targets those who are rightfully  intolerant of those cunningly quiet, weaselly devious wrongdoers, the subtle but highly provocative players , who are oh-so-skilled in below-the-parapet unethical tactics .....simply because they respond and react instinctively to condemn such behaviour . Sadly, It is the emotionally reactive players who are singled out as the cardinal sinners , while the proactive instigators and needlers walk off scott free ,  forever pleading their innocence and non-involvement .

If clubs focused more of their efforts in curbing the proactive instigators then the problem of reactive and explosive outbursts would go away. Zero tolerance policies , in my view,  simply provide a huge protective blanket for the real sinners to continue their dark practices  , comforted by the fact that disciplinary action will only be taken against those who attack them.  How many times have we seen foot-ballers sent-off because they have been  duped into retaliation by very clever, cunning, cheating opponents. 

Yours believing it's right call a spade a spade , candidly Rood  

        

JOHNNY SUPREMO SHOWS HIS CLASS......

Every so often a hand comes along where only class defenders have the opportunity to shine.

Johnny had been dealt Qxx....x.....QJxxx.....Jxxx,  and in no time at all declarer, raced away in the bidding to reach 6H ,  with little or no help from partner. 

Johnny correctly led a small heart and dummy appeared with xxx....xxx.....Axxx....xxx , a hand which didn't seem to please declarer despite the presence of an Ace.

In a flash declarer rattled off seven top hearts . What was Johnny to throw ?  Does declarer have a diamond in his hand. Gut instinct said " no " and so all  five diamonds were  hurriedly pitched away. Thankfully, his partner also saw the looming threat of being thrown in to lead a diamond into dummy's Ace........and so he too started to discard the suit at a rate of knots.

Declarer was stumped. His remaining six cards AKx ... AKx.....in the two black suits inevitably surrendered two tricks. One to Johnny's spade queen ,  and the other to his partner's  queen of clubs. 

On the score sheet slams were being made all around the room ,  simply because either a diamond had been led at the start , or later on when declarer successfully engineered a partial elimination in one of the black suits ........only to throw the hapless defender in with his winner in the other ,  thereby securing that all important diamond return. 

  

       

A vision into the future.......
LAW REPORT : BIGOT-JOHNSON  v SATAN (2034)

( Up before the Court of Purgatory , and the Lord Chief Injustice Brimstone-Fyre ,  Bigot was hell-bent on suing Old Nick himself for breach of contract. A short extract from the trial's transcript might well materialise as follows.

B-J : Do you agree Luci.....I mean Lucifer.....that you and I entered into a contract....or should I say ....pact .......which you have failed to honour

Satan : Perhaps as I'm the devil..... I'm entitled to do such dishonourable acts !

B-J : Not so.....this contract was utterly binding. You agreed that if I handed over my soul ,  you would in return give me knowledge and technique to be a top class bridge player.....all the secrets  on how to cheat and get away with it....and a place in your fiery kingdom , where I could continue to be a total bastard.....

Satan : Yes , I do recall that agreement....

B-J : Well , I did my bit , and although you've delivered on most of your promises, you have reneged on the one that gains me entry to the greatest den of inequity of all time....

Satan : You're right....
B-J : So can you explain to the Lord Chief Injustice why I .....the infamous and corrupt chairman of the Slaughter House BC.....universally reviled as both a player and a blogger.....the scourge of all those who care about the game.......should not be allowed to take his rightful place in hell.......alongside the most evil , mean-spirited villains , reprobates , and wrongdoers the world has even seen ?

Satan : You just don't get it do you ? I am more than willing to let people in who aspire to being The Devil .......but when there is someone like you......whose black heart and black deeds make me look like Mother Teresa........personal pride and envy compels me to lock the door. To do otherwise puts both my throne and crown at risk......and that must never happen. 

B-J :  You're a rotter.... and a spoil sport

Satan : Therefore,  I beg the court not to hand out  the mandatory order you are seeking.......condemning you..... in the process .......to remain isolated and alone in this netherworld of purgatory and mindless boredom

B-J : I demand justice......

LCI : In this court we only dish out injustice.....which means of course your demand for this equitable remedy has been rejected...

B-J : Well , bugger me....

 LCI : Sorry....I would love to oblige.....but as this trial has progressed ,  I have come to loathe and despise you.........immensely......case dismissed !

LAW REPORT : R v BIGOT-JOHNSON ( AND OTHERS )

(  For the umpteenth time Bigot found himself up before Crown Court judge . Having been reported to the police by the Walnut Tree Allotment BC bigwigs , he and his despicable cronies found themselves accused of offences under an old , rarely used,  bit of criminal legislation . As usual he decides to defend himself, and a short extract from the trial's transcript appears below. )

 Prosecutor  ( P ) : You Bigot have been charged with offences under the Vagrancy Act of 1824...

B-J : What !.....Has the Crown Prosecution Service gone stark raving mad ! ......Goddammit , I'm a married man , who has a fixed permanent address....... although I must admit to having dabbled a bit .....here and there...... at various red light establishments in and around the city ..."

Judge : Any you can recommend ?

B-J : Well. there is one in....

P : Might I be allowed to continue.....

Judge : If you must.....

P : Bigot....you and your unsavoury associates have blighted the Walnut Tree Allotment Bridge Club with your odious presence and wayward behaviour . Indeed , the chairman of the committee should have reported you to the police years ago....

B-J : The bastard....

P : Not so.. ...I would describe him as  " an upright and upstanding member " , who wears a tie, has clean nails and goes to church every Sunday......

B-J : I would too....but Mr. Stiffy is a liar....for I am not a vagrant......in any shape or form

P : In your eyes yes....but in the committee's eyes NO ! ....You see....according to the 1824 Act you meet all the requirements of being a vagrant......and why might you ask ...

B-J : Well.... I do ask ?

P : A vagrant is a person who " wanders "  or trespasses into places he shouldn't be.....and as far as the committee is concerned that includes the club premises ...a place in which you were under a temporary ban. Moreover , a vagrant is one begs......and you have constantly begged for mercy and forgiveness on numerous occasions ......in a desperate attempt to retain your membership status at the club .  Also ,  I want it to go on record that the letters of complaint about you......sent in by shell-shocked, psychologically damaged victims..... all revealing in great detail your disgusting , abusive and bullying behaviour.... make extremely disturbing reading indeed.

B-J : Listen you..... I've been misunderstood....misread.....  and misrepresented 

P : And that's not all.....because you , Bigot , can also be classified as a vagrant by virtue .....if that is the right word....of your indecent and shocking behaviour in a public place .........namely the clubhouse, where you committed ..... amongst many other things........... the foul practice of " peddling "...

B-J : Peddling what ?.....

P : Foul , unfounded ,  defamatory and derogatory comments about the committee.......not to mention obscene , vile and poisonous literature designed  to irreparably injure and damage the reputation of the club.... and of course very provocative material ,  well capable of stirring up hatred and violence against those you view as your enemy....

B-J : Oh.... 

P : Moreover by arming yourself with offensive weapons....such as your sharp tongue , acid wit , pointed fingers , piercing eyes ,  clenched fists , and steel toe-capped boots ......you in particular satisfy all the requirements of being a vagrant !

B-J : This is preposterous........I AM NOT A VAGRANT........I demand an immediate acquittal

Judge : I take it you want to go home straightaway ?

B-J : Well, that might not be possible,  your honour.....my wife kicked me out this morning for domestic violence 

Judge : Ooops....so in other words , you are a vagrant after all.......shame....because I must now direct the jury to find you guilty.....leaving me the unpleasant duty of dishing out an appropriate sentence.  This as it happens requires me to have you branded with a " V ".....  and  imposing on you two years of slavery......as prescribed by the Act .

B-J : Bugger....         

    

I'M  A 2%-er AND I'M PROUD OF IT....... ( Article by Carp ) 

In the United States Naval Academy there is group known as the " 2% Club " . Apparently ,   out of all the midshipmen entering with a girlfriend or boyfriend only 2% of these relationships still exist by graduation.

Here in England Erica Frazier has set up the  " 2% Club " to help senior women raise their profile in their quest to secure the senior corporate positions. And back across in the USA ,  the " Phoenix 2% Club " claim that only 2% of people will reach their financial potential , but what makes this club so unique is that it is the only one that works on the " inner game ".  Here the focus on training is how to recognise your current financial blueprint , so you can identify it in order to change it . 

Another group of 2%-ers one cannot forget is Mensa, which caters for the top 2% with acceptionally big IQ's . This non-profit worldwide organisation has only one requirement : members must have IQ's higher than those of 98% of the population.

However , in the context of Bridge Clubs one might come across other smaller groups of    " 2%-ers " , who are those brave few souls , who are prepared to stand up and be counted , challenging  and fighting for what they believe to be right, fair and just. These  " dissenters "  seem only to have one objective , which is to resist or stop the perceived or actual abuse of power ,  so often exercised by committees tainted by nepotism and/or despotism.

Indeed, to wear the 2% -er badge in these circumstances is to wear a badge of courage ,  always with head held high ......with honour...... and most of all..... with pride.

   

THERE'S NO ANSWER TO THAT....... ( A gospel true story given to Bridgemeister Gibson by the and only " Fenboy "  )

It's the Friday afternoon pairs session of the Sheffield U3A.  The players want to better so are very keen to learn. A hand had just been completed and declarer ( West ) has made 3D plus one for an average on the board.
West is in the process of returning the cards to their slots , while North is writing down the score on the traveller. West muses....then poses a question to North,  a far more experienced player , who he believes might be able to pass on some nugget of advice .
" Do you think I could have done better ? "

" Yes ", came the immediate reply , ".......You should have bid 3NT because it has a 60%  chance of making , given the excellent diamond fit , and a likely spade lead up to your King ."

" But..... isn't bidding 3NT a bit of a risk ? "
" Yes....it may not be safest contract but it scores much better....that's the problem with pairs .  Sometimes you have to make difficult decisions. Sometimes you have to be in what seems the wrong contract to get the right matchpoint score. "
" Well, I wouldn't know about that because we don't play Pairs ! "
 " But you are playing pairs......"
" Oh, I thought you were talking about a bidding system...."

A ONE MINUTE INTERVIEW WITH JOHNNY SUPREMO....

Interviewer ( I ) : Well Johnny ......I see you've chalked up yet another stunning victory ?

JS : Just can't help it .....too many players keep on pressing their self-destruct buttons

I : So what you're saying is ....winning at bridge is all about making fewer mistakes than your opponents

JS : Correct .....but I would also add that winning bridge is all about making zero mistakes

I : Well that makes sense.....but can you give me an illustration of mistake free bidding ?

JS : Not exactly, because bidding can never be an exact science ....making fewer mistakes has nothing to do with a sophisticated bidding system , but simply applying common sense in initial valuation and the subsequent re-valuations of your hand. For instance , opening a weak no trump for most Acol players is routine  on a balanced 12-14 count. But high card points alone should not be the sole basis on which bidding judgements should be made.

I : Go on....

JS : The presence of 10's and 8's are of vital importance , which far too many players tend to overlook. Imagine you bid 1NT vulnerable in first position with Kxx....Qxxx....Axx...Axx. Such a bid might carry a big risk. If as declarer you get a heart lead with Kx in dummy , you may only be looking at one trick in this suit ,  no matter which card you play from dummy. However if Kx is opposite Q108x , then there is every chance of making three tricks in the suit if J9x are sitting under your 4 card holding. Let's assume the weaker 1NT was doubled going off 2 .  Declarer of course might incur a horrendous minus 500 penalty...... but with the help of those two magnificent fillers ,  and the two extra tricks they pull in , a result of plus 180 makes very healthy scorecard reading indeed.

I : So in essence you choose to  devalue your  hand considerably if there are no 10's and 8's to bolster your longer suits ?

JS : Not exactly ..... but I would be  far more circumspect  when opening the  bidding on a balanced and skimpy 13 point hand.... preferring instead 1C......... or even a pass......only to  sit back and await developments .

I : I love you Johnny......you're a genius and a legend.......it's been an honour and privilege to share this minute you....  

DISCIPLINARY COMMITTEES AND THE SPECTRE OF UNCONSCIOUS BIAS........... ( Research article by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

In the latest law report a brave attempt was made to explain how difficult it is to avoid bias in bridge club disciplinary hearings. This is simply down to an irrefutable fact that  most committee members harbour unconscious biases.

Unconscious is  defined as  " not perceived at the level of awareness , occurring below the level of conscious thought ".

Bias is defined as  " a particular tendency or inclination ,  especially one that prevents unprejudiced consideration of a question " .

Most committees are formed with the belief that the views and perspectives from different individuals can lead to better decisions than a single person. However, this means they must take into consideration the minority views, their needs , values, and frames of reference , simply to balance those which have been voiced by the majority. Alternative views must be canvassed , welcomed and considered, and should they be rejected then this is stems from  over-riding and more convincing arguments winning the debate. In such circumstances compromise agreements and well merited decisions should follow. 

Nevertheless , participating in a disciplinary hearing, say within a private members' club , is fraught with difficulty given the close and cosy relationships between groups of members , both inside and outside the committee. Individual committee members however must recognise that they are under a legal obligation  to make decisions in an objective , fair and impartial way.

The disciplinary process must be conducted in an appropriate manner and way, which guarantees  for all alleged offenders a full , fair , and impartial hearing.  In order to achieve this guarantee ,  both the  fairness and impartiality requirements must be maintained throughout all phases of the process .  Committees should be cognisant of a number of dynamics as they work ........  both individually and together as a committee.

First and foremost , committee members must recognise the risk of unconscious bias that may influence them as they proceed.  All of us have natural , built-in biases ,  being long held opinions which make us feel so more comfortable .  These biases are not necessarily bad unless they prevent us from being open to " new and different " perspectives , or prevent us from discarding the stereotypes and prejudices we have held about others.  Unfortunately , these biases tend to be unconscious ones , which have the power to negatively affect and undermine our thinking.

Recognising,  understanding and confessing to owning these biases are  essential steps  to earning respect and trust from ordinary members within the club. It is natural for a committee to want rid of troublesome members , who they consider as " bad apples ", having a mischievous tendency to cause disharmony and distress. Yet at the same time the committee members must strive to resist any temptation to arrive at premature or unfounded judgements.  For instance , it may be necessary to distinguish bad behaviour which stems from malicious proactive intent from that which is an over-sensitive reaction  to unwarranted provocation. 

All too often committee members have already formed their own opinion of  troublemakers long before  they have summoned to attend  a disciplinary meeting.  They might already feel uncomfortable with the troublemaker's' demeanour , the way he/she speaks or answers questions , or even how they regard the committee. Few would claim aloud that these things caused them concern , since they are often unconscious  or unspoken concerns.

Given we all have unconscious bias , then a properly functioning committee needs to acknowledge and face this bias in an honest and productive manner , helping to check each other's blindspots.  It is the duty of every member involved in a disciplinary process to address issues of  perceived actual or potential bias , especially if they see emotions taking over from one's ability to remained detached and objective.

Concerns need to be verbalised ,  and not ignored by pretending that such concerns don't exist. By addressing these doubts and concerns " head on " everyone benefits , allowing the process to take place in a climate of impartiality and good faith......one which satisfies the minimum  requirements of the law. This basic standard of course revolves around that of the reasonable independent observer , who would expect all decisions to be the logical outcome of a thorough investigation of the facts , a fair and proper review of these facts , an impartial and  careful weighing   up of conflicting evidence and/or opposing arguments , with reasons given at the end , which appear fully justified and merited . When a decision clearly appears adverse or perverse , then he will perceive the spectre of unconscious bias having been at work. 

     

BRIDGE BOOKS GUARANTEED TO TICKLE YOUR FANCY......... ( Great discoveries by Pun )

• I Didn't Pick You Partner For Your Bridge.....Khan L. D. Syres
• Thank God No One Spotted My Revoke.......Chantelle A. Sole 
• Bridge Below The Belt......................Sol R. Plexus                           
• I've A Real Sense Of Foreboding, Partner.....Eve L. A. Foot
• A Superb Bridge Holiday Destination.............Ben E. Dorm
• What On Earth Is Up With Your Bottom ?......Ivor Hugh Boyle
• Bridge Well Below The Belt..........................Belle E. Button
• What ! You Call That A Decent Suit.............. Polly Hester
• We're In For A Right Battle Now Partner........N.M.E. Cumming
• If You're Clueless Give Up The Game............Chuck Hittin
• What Possessed You To Admit To Cheating?...Ida Lydewell
• That Trophy Is Mine You Cheat !.....................Ann Dittover
• Only God Could Have Created Bridge !.........Ima B. Leever