INSIDE THE BENIGN BC (USA) A SEEMINGLY SECRET CONVERSATION TAKES PLACE...........
- Is it safe to talk here ?
- God only knows...... walls in this place have ears.....
- You see , I 'm beginning to have doubts about the committee's wisdom in ruthlessly pursuing
this insane sub-zero tolerance policy
- Why's that ?
- Well , the other night the director had to deal with 45 table incidents .....but what was even
more alarming was the fact that 31 other people wanted him to deal with the same bunch of
out-of-order opponents.........only to be told to put down their complaints in writing
- And what were these complaints all about ?
- Oh...the usual things .....coughing into their hands and not their handkerchiefs.......speaking
out of turn.....moving bridgemates across the table without the keeper's permission........
cracking jokes........making harmless jibes..... failing to greet opponents with a warm smile an
and hello
- My God......whatever next
- Yes....this business of having to call directors over , simply because players have been
encouraged to spill the beans , has turned this place into one massive hell-hole.....where
nobody dare say anything..........not even boo to a goose. Why can't members be allowed to
take the initiative and call a spade a spade.......or a cheat a cheat ?
- Well, the policy makes sense to me because members mustn't be allowed to let altercations
escalate in full blown shouting matches
- Boy....you just don't get it....this damn policy is turning members into snitches . informers ,
stool-pigeons , tell-tale betrayers .......as well as moulding them into compliant , pretentiously
nice , ever-so-creepy , obsequious, personality dead robots
- DI... RECT...TOR.....DIRECTOR......COME QUICKLY.......THIS MAN HAS JUST INSULTED
ME AND EVERYONE ELSE
Monday, 3 March 2014
Sunday, 2 March 2014
LEGAL MATTERS : THE RIGHT TO BE A CLUB MEMBER....... ( Article by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )
With regards to applicants they have no legal right to require a club to admit them into their fold, especially when it remains an open question as to whether or not the courts see the relationship between members and not-for-profit organisations as being contractual . As outsiders , any right to membership has still to be conferred upon them , leaving the club committee at liberty to use its discretion to reject " dodgy " applicants without fear of legal reprisals.
Yet despite this obvious view, a right to membership may well exist but only in exceptional circumstances . These would require precise wording in the club's by-laws or constitution, which establishes a contractual relationship between the club and its members. But more importantly , there must be a commitment permitting automatic selection if certain qualification criteria is met , along side a statement which denies the committee the option to use its discretion to refuse membership, should it harbour other concerns.
It needs to be noted that if an existing member allows his membership to lapse or expire , then any attempt to rejoin the club requires that person to reapply for membership , being once again an outsider . Refusal in these circumstances can not amount to a suspension or termination in that the person is by definition a repeat applicant , and even if all the qualification criteria has already been established , the committee may well decide to use its discretion and refuse the application .
However, the legal situation regarding existing members is a little more complex. Indeed it is open for clubs to draft into their by-laws and constitution a provision which states membership is for a fixed term only , usually one year. This arrangement therefore entitles the committee to use and apply qualification criteria , along with its discretion , to determine which people can successfully renew their membership ...... and which group of undesirables can be weeded out , simply by having their renewal applications rejected.
If on the other hand the constitution flags up an automatic renewal provision then members are given the right to continued membership , so long as they pay next years' subs on or before the agreed deadline. Any failure on their part to pay the subs on schedule will result in their membership coming to an automatic end , requiring them to reapply as if they were newcomers.
The drafting of any club constitution or by-laws should not be left to enthusiastic amateurs. It requires careful legal research into model constitutions , before asking trained professionals in this field to skilfully write up the provisions in such a way that they succeed in meeting the key objectives laid down by the committee, omitting in the process all the potential pitfalls and risks. No easy task. Nevertheless , it is usually important to
(a) state clearly how members are to be admitted and/or re-admitted
(b) provide clear qualification criteria for membership , broken down in accordance with membership category ( if applicable )
(c) include in the admission process the right of the committee to use its discretion as and when it sees fit, being careful to ensure that the wording of the whole provision does not imply an automatic right to membership
(d) consider the use of additional terms of membership, which sets up a disciplinary procedure for carrying out suspensions and expulsions. Committees would be well advised to goes beyond the standards of fairness and impartiality expected of them by the courts. For if a club committee is seen to have bent over backwards to be fair and just in disciplining errant members , then the likelihood of members successfully suing the club for wrongful expulsion becomes almost zero.
(e) consider as an alternative to the right to suspend or expel members , breach of qualification criteria to bring about an automatic disqualification. This might happen when a member is currently unable to meet an established qualification requirement , such as "possessing a clean criminal record ". In these circumstances it is far easier for committee to terminate membership , in that automatic disqualification does not attract the same level of procedural safeguards as an expulsion for say " refusing to heed to warnings , oral and written , regarding inappropriate behaviour ".
On a final note a word of warning, should a club opt for a fixed term membership over the automatic one , the committee is then faced with the unenviable task of judging which people should have their memberships renewed. Evaluating whether or not members have provided evidence over the year with regards to ongoing conformation of qualification criteria can be highly subjective , laborious and time-consuming. Moreover , it is wide open to abuse , especially in small clubs where groups often harbour grievances against each other , corrupted by petty politics , petty squabbles , personality conflicts and vendettas. Existing members should always be allowed to continue their membership unless it is patently obvious that they have jeopardised their right to membership, by gross misconduct either inside or outside the club. When the misconduct reveals the subsequent lapse of qualification criteria , then the right to membership is automatically lost . Otherwise, the alternative option in ridding the club of its errant members is by implementing costly , protracted , often bitter , disciplinary procedures involving investigations , hearings and appeals.
With regards to applicants they have no legal right to require a club to admit them into their fold, especially when it remains an open question as to whether or not the courts see the relationship between members and not-for-profit organisations as being contractual . As outsiders , any right to membership has still to be conferred upon them , leaving the club committee at liberty to use its discretion to reject " dodgy " applicants without fear of legal reprisals.
Yet despite this obvious view, a right to membership may well exist but only in exceptional circumstances . These would require precise wording in the club's by-laws or constitution, which establishes a contractual relationship between the club and its members. But more importantly , there must be a commitment permitting automatic selection if certain qualification criteria is met , along side a statement which denies the committee the option to use its discretion to refuse membership, should it harbour other concerns.
It needs to be noted that if an existing member allows his membership to lapse or expire , then any attempt to rejoin the club requires that person to reapply for membership , being once again an outsider . Refusal in these circumstances can not amount to a suspension or termination in that the person is by definition a repeat applicant , and even if all the qualification criteria has already been established , the committee may well decide to use its discretion and refuse the application .
However, the legal situation regarding existing members is a little more complex. Indeed it is open for clubs to draft into their by-laws and constitution a provision which states membership is for a fixed term only , usually one year. This arrangement therefore entitles the committee to use and apply qualification criteria , along with its discretion , to determine which people can successfully renew their membership ...... and which group of undesirables can be weeded out , simply by having their renewal applications rejected.
If on the other hand the constitution flags up an automatic renewal provision then members are given the right to continued membership , so long as they pay next years' subs on or before the agreed deadline. Any failure on their part to pay the subs on schedule will result in their membership coming to an automatic end , requiring them to reapply as if they were newcomers.
The drafting of any club constitution or by-laws should not be left to enthusiastic amateurs. It requires careful legal research into model constitutions , before asking trained professionals in this field to skilfully write up the provisions in such a way that they succeed in meeting the key objectives laid down by the committee, omitting in the process all the potential pitfalls and risks. No easy task. Nevertheless , it is usually important to
(a) state clearly how members are to be admitted and/or re-admitted
(b) provide clear qualification criteria for membership , broken down in accordance with membership category ( if applicable )
(c) include in the admission process the right of the committee to use its discretion as and when it sees fit, being careful to ensure that the wording of the whole provision does not imply an automatic right to membership
(d) consider the use of additional terms of membership, which sets up a disciplinary procedure for carrying out suspensions and expulsions. Committees would be well advised to goes beyond the standards of fairness and impartiality expected of them by the courts. For if a club committee is seen to have bent over backwards to be fair and just in disciplining errant members , then the likelihood of members successfully suing the club for wrongful expulsion becomes almost zero.
(e) consider as an alternative to the right to suspend or expel members , breach of qualification criteria to bring about an automatic disqualification. This might happen when a member is currently unable to meet an established qualification requirement , such as "possessing a clean criminal record ". In these circumstances it is far easier for committee to terminate membership , in that automatic disqualification does not attract the same level of procedural safeguards as an expulsion for say " refusing to heed to warnings , oral and written , regarding inappropriate behaviour ".
On a final note a word of warning, should a club opt for a fixed term membership over the automatic one , the committee is then faced with the unenviable task of judging which people should have their memberships renewed. Evaluating whether or not members have provided evidence over the year with regards to ongoing conformation of qualification criteria can be highly subjective , laborious and time-consuming. Moreover , it is wide open to abuse , especially in small clubs where groups often harbour grievances against each other , corrupted by petty politics , petty squabbles , personality conflicts and vendettas. Existing members should always be allowed to continue their membership unless it is patently obvious that they have jeopardised their right to membership, by gross misconduct either inside or outside the club. When the misconduct reveals the subsequent lapse of qualification criteria , then the right to membership is automatically lost . Otherwise, the alternative option in ridding the club of its errant members is by implementing costly , protracted , often bitter , disciplinary procedures involving investigations , hearings and appeals.
Saturday, 1 March 2014
BRIDGE BOOKS CURRENTLY SELLING WELL IN PERTH WESTERN AUSTRALIA......( Research By Pun )
- I'm Gonna Kill Whoever's Responsible For Riggin' These Cards........Ann Mia Gunn
- My Partner Had Exactly What I Needed To Bring In 3 Notrumps.......Art Holding
- The Queens BC In Perth Is Men Only Membership........................Betty Buoys
- Please Don't Make An Opening Suit Bid On That Holding ! ............ Jack Tuffor
- Now That's What A Call A Real Yarborough....................................A. T. High
- You Think That Load Of Garbage Warrants A Slam Try ?..................R. U. Kidding
- I Put Partner Into A Slam With Just A Stiff In His Suit......................Ken Singleton
- No Bloody Way Can You Call That A Solid Suit................................A. C. Missing
- Sorry Partner , I Couldn't Possibly Respond with My Hand.................Ivor Blizzard
- If Partner Invites Game But You've Nothing Else To Offer...................Bess Pass
Friday, 28 February 2014
BRIDGE BOOKS CURRENTLY SELLING LIKE HOT CAKES......( Research by Pun )
- When Partner Binned An Easy Slam Something Had To Be Said......Tilda Hoff
- Thanks For Asking , But I'm Doing Something Else That Night ........Kent Makett
- Deception And Cunning Is What An Expert Excels At..................Kay G. Player
- Partner , I'm Only Going To Say This Once..............................Liz Sanard
- Having Cheated My Way To Success , There Was No Going Back....Carrie Don
- There Are Some Players Who Refuse To Keep Their Mouths Shut....Rab Bitton
- As A Witness In This Court case , No Way Will I Be Telling Lies.......Ben D. Truth
- Listen To This : The Committee Have Resigned En Masse....Haywood U. B. Leevitt
- I Love Competitions When There's No One To Beat But Numpties....Kenyon Fodder
- Partner Please Shut Up , You Views On The Bidding Are Inane........Loda balls
Wednesday, 26 February 2014
ONE MEMBER EXPLAINS TO ANOTHER HOW ETHICS GOVERN AND SHAPE THE WAY THE BENIGN BRIDGE CLUB DISCIPLINARY COMMITTEE GOES ABOUT ITS BUSINESS...............
- So what happened to old Spooner then ?
- He had to attend a disciplinary hearing
- What for exactly ?
- Making a disparaging remark about the Chairman in a private bar room conversation......
heard and recorded by four committee members in a secret bunker downstairs.......using
recently purchased state-of-the-art surveillance and bugging devices
- Is that all ?
- Yes....and all five submitted a complaint about him to be dealt with by the committee........
which as it happened included themselves
- Isn't that a bit unethical
- Wise up dunderhead......we talking about a bridge club here , which has a strict zero
tolerance policy to uphold no matter what. The right and proper procedure of course
required the whole committee to be involved , as a collective unit , putting on a united front
in its quest to get members to toe the line....... and do as they are told
- Oh yes.....sorry , I forgot.........but I still want to know what happened to Spooner ?
- He got suspended for 5 years and had to pay a £2000 fine
- What !......The poor man was 82 years old and had given over 30 years of his life raising
funds for this club.... not to mention the thousands of hours of unpaid work he put in behind
the scenes
- Yes , that's true.....but that cuts no ice with this committee.....because when push comes to
shove , it would have been totally unethical for them to treat him more favourably than say
a loose-tongued layabout , who had never given a damn about the club or lifted a finger to
help the club out in any way at all
- You're right......double standards and ethical ideals make very uncomfortable bedfellows
- Indeed they do
- So tell me....how did Spooner take this punishment ?
- Naturally , he was deeply upset....utterly distraught......beside himself with pain and anguish ...
in fact he was as miserable as sin
- And how did did the committee react to that ?
- They ordered him to be taken outside and shot
- What !
- Well putting a poor old soul out of his abject misery then seemed the most ethical and
humane thing to do
- Yes, I guess you're right
- So you see this committee is beyond reproach when it comes to making decisions purely
on ethical grounds
- Yes, I stand convinced....
- So what happened to old Spooner then ?
- He had to attend a disciplinary hearing
- What for exactly ?
- Making a disparaging remark about the Chairman in a private bar room conversation......
heard and recorded by four committee members in a secret bunker downstairs.......using
recently purchased state-of-the-art surveillance and bugging devices
- Is that all ?
- Yes....and all five submitted a complaint about him to be dealt with by the committee........
which as it happened included themselves
- Isn't that a bit unethical
- Wise up dunderhead......we talking about a bridge club here , which has a strict zero
tolerance policy to uphold no matter what. The right and proper procedure of course
required the whole committee to be involved , as a collective unit , putting on a united front
in its quest to get members to toe the line....... and do as they are told
- Oh yes.....sorry , I forgot.........but I still want to know what happened to Spooner ?
- He got suspended for 5 years and had to pay a £2000 fine
- What !......The poor man was 82 years old and had given over 30 years of his life raising
funds for this club.... not to mention the thousands of hours of unpaid work he put in behind
the scenes
- Yes , that's true.....but that cuts no ice with this committee.....because when push comes to
shove , it would have been totally unethical for them to treat him more favourably than say
a loose-tongued layabout , who had never given a damn about the club or lifted a finger to
help the club out in any way at all
- You're right......double standards and ethical ideals make very uncomfortable bedfellows
- Indeed they do
- So tell me....how did Spooner take this punishment ?
- Naturally , he was deeply upset....utterly distraught......beside himself with pain and anguish ...
in fact he was as miserable as sin
- And how did did the committee react to that ?
- They ordered him to be taken outside and shot
- What !
- Well putting a poor old soul out of his abject misery then seemed the most ethical and
humane thing to do
- Yes, I guess you're right
- So you see this committee is beyond reproach when it comes to making decisions purely
on ethical grounds
- Yes, I stand convinced....
Monday, 24 February 2014
TO
THAT
TOPIC
ON
TOKENISM
......
......
......
......
......
......
......
......
- I didn't know we had
such a committee ?
- Oh yes...but it has only been recently formed
- How come ?
- It's just a faze the club is going through to reassure the few honest members we have that
ethics matter..... and that unethical play will not be tolerated
- Well .....is that going to happen ?
- Good grief...NO....this club prides itself on being the center for approved cheating
- So what is this committee up to right now ?
- I believe they are attempting to draw a line which distinguishes and defines unethical
practices from all those considered ethical and above board
- But based upon what you've just said a few moments ago......I would hazard a guess that
when and if this line is ever drawn........ it will only be done so in pencil ?
- Exactly ....or knowing them.....in invisible ink ......because rumour has it the true remit of
this committee is to choose the lesser of two evils ...........namely it is far better to have
unethical ethics than no ethics at all
- But what if they are asked to come out with a policy on ethical behaviour ?
- Perish the thought !
- Would members be obliged to follow such guidelines to the letter ?
- Only if they were either honest or stupid.....Christ , how could anyone let a document like
that get in the way of winning trophies
- You're right....
Sunday, 23 February 2014
Saturday, 22 February 2014
CLASSIC EXCUSES USED BY THOSE CHARGED WITH THE ABUSE OF POWER.......... ( Research by Carp )
- What abuse ?
- The Constitution and its by-laws allowed us a fair bit of leeway
- One has to balance rigidity with flexibility
- Exceptional circumstances required exceptional measures
- The means justified the ends
- We used our discretion in a sensible and proper way
- The tough decisions we made were widely welcomed
- More good has come from our decisions than harm
- Might is right
- What's all the fuss about ? We only did what people expected of us
- Expediency was called for
- Your definition of " abuse " differs greatly from ours
- Any deviation we may have been guilty of was of no meaningful significance
- It was a situation where we had to choose the lesser of two evils
- We had no choice in the matter : our hands were tied
Thursday, 20 February 2014
WHAT SHENANIGANS GO ON INSIDE YOUR CLUB ? WHAT KIND OF COMMITTEE HAVE YOU GOT RUNNING THE PLACE ?.... DOES ANY OF THE FOLLOWING SOUND FAMILIAR ?
- Fingers of suspicion pointing in all directions
- Members in denial of any blame or responsibility
- A faction within the club demanding that the " whole committee should stand down "
- Jealousy and bitterness between key rivals
- Sabotage of rivals' prize-winning aspirations
- A chairman who gives the appearance of being " an emperor "
- A chairman who is resented by many but who thinks " he's Mr. Wonderful and everyone loves him "
- A treasurer who has been " less than rigorous with the accounts "
- Threats of possible law suits
All sounds too incredible ? You'd better believe it.... and you will do if you read the following article taken from The Times a few years ago........
BIGOT GETS A LETTER...........
Dear Bigot ,
The other evening when I generously stepped in as an emergency stand-by ( because your regular partner had failed to turn up ) , you stormed off in a right huff seconds after the last board had been played.
I was so desperate to get your opinion on my evening's performance ?
Yours still in the dark ...........Binky Bowles
Dear Binky ,
Oh yes , I remember that evening's debacle very well indeed. Who needs words to describe how bad you were . For pity's sake man , couldn't you pick up on my body language ? If you were unable to , please allow me to recap on all my signals :
- my slumped body with my head resting on the table
- the tearing up of my scorecard after board 6
- regular trips to the toilet to throw up
- the numerous exits from the building to scream into the muffle-cushion kindly provided to me
by the bar steward
- my facial expressions which ranged from utter disbelief to abject despair
- my steadfast refusal to watch you play as declarer , preferring instead to engage in self-
mutilation with my pocket penknife
- one urgent visit to the bar to telephone my dealer to bring over some anti-depressant tablets
- constant pulling out of my hair which has now left me with a rather large and embarrassing
bald patch
- constant texting on my mobile phone in a desperate attempt to fix up an appointment with
my psycho-analyst , regarding the acute anxiety and panic attacks I was currently experiencing
Surely , you must have got the message.........that your crap play was doing my head in
Yours not wanting to be rude but don't ever ask me to partner you again , Bigot
Dear Bigot ,
The other evening when I generously stepped in as an emergency stand-by ( because your regular partner had failed to turn up ) , you stormed off in a right huff seconds after the last board had been played.
I was so desperate to get your opinion on my evening's performance ?
Yours still in the dark ...........Binky Bowles
Dear Binky ,
Oh yes , I remember that evening's debacle very well indeed. Who needs words to describe how bad you were . For pity's sake man , couldn't you pick up on my body language ? If you were unable to , please allow me to recap on all my signals :
- my slumped body with my head resting on the table
- the tearing up of my scorecard after board 6
- regular trips to the toilet to throw up
- the numerous exits from the building to scream into the muffle-cushion kindly provided to me
by the bar steward
- my facial expressions which ranged from utter disbelief to abject despair
- my steadfast refusal to watch you play as declarer , preferring instead to engage in self-
mutilation with my pocket penknife
- one urgent visit to the bar to telephone my dealer to bring over some anti-depressant tablets
- constant pulling out of my hair which has now left me with a rather large and embarrassing
bald patch
- constant texting on my mobile phone in a desperate attempt to fix up an appointment with
my psycho-analyst , regarding the acute anxiety and panic attacks I was currently experiencing
Surely , you must have got the message.........that your crap play was doing my head in
Yours not wanting to be rude but don't ever ask me to partner you again , Bigot
Monday, 17 February 2014
BIGOT-JOHNSON'S NEWLY APPOINTED PROPAGANDA OFFICER GETS DOWN TO WORK......
( With the next AGM looming large , Sylvester " Shyster " Malone , the man with the silver tongue , is overheard working his cunning and charm on a group of disgruntled club members , who were utterly determined to see Bigot replaced as chairman by one of the other six nominated candidates . )
Shyster : As the group's spokesperson , tell me....who are you going to vote for as chairman ?
Member : Anyone but Bigot ....
Shyster : Why's that ?
Member : The man's a crude , evil-minded , rotten thieving cheat.....who is taking the Slaughter House Bridge Club down the road to rack and ruin
Shyster : Well, that may be so.....but have you taken a closer look at the others who are standing up against him ?
Member : I don't give a damn which pantopod gets my vote.....so long as that tosspot Bigot-Johnson doesn't
Shyster : But hold on there...... these other six candidates are a load of faceless nobodies.... .......and voting for nobody is pointless , because in this club nobody tells the truth
Member : Good point...
Shyster : And voting for nobody is a complete waste of a vote.....because in this club nobody listens to what individual members have to say
Member : Too right...
Shyster : And voting for nobody is only for fools , because have you ever come across a nobody who wasn't in someone else's pocket ?
Member : I can't say that I have....
Shyster : And is it not the case that nobody in this club gives a damn about what is really going on behind the scenes....or even cares about the club's future
Member : Goddamnit man.....you've convinced me
Shyster : So ....the stark reality is this.....Bigot-Johnson is the best of the bunch
Member : I guess so.....and I think I speak for all of us
Shyster : Deserving of your vote ?
Member : Yes indeed
( With the next AGM looming large , Sylvester " Shyster " Malone , the man with the silver tongue , is overheard working his cunning and charm on a group of disgruntled club members , who were utterly determined to see Bigot replaced as chairman by one of the other six nominated candidates . )
Shyster : As the group's spokesperson , tell me....who are you going to vote for as chairman ?
Member : Anyone but Bigot ....
Shyster : Why's that ?
Member : The man's a crude , evil-minded , rotten thieving cheat.....who is taking the Slaughter House Bridge Club down the road to rack and ruin
Shyster : Well, that may be so.....but have you taken a closer look at the others who are standing up against him ?
Member : I don't give a damn which pantopod gets my vote.....so long as that tosspot Bigot-Johnson doesn't
Shyster : But hold on there...... these other six candidates are a load of faceless nobodies.... .......and voting for nobody is pointless , because in this club nobody tells the truth
Member : Good point...
Shyster : And voting for nobody is a complete waste of a vote.....because in this club nobody listens to what individual members have to say
Member : Too right...
Shyster : And voting for nobody is only for fools , because have you ever come across a nobody who wasn't in someone else's pocket ?
Member : I can't say that I have....
Shyster : And is it not the case that nobody in this club gives a damn about what is really going on behind the scenes....or even cares about the club's future
Member : Goddamnit man.....you've convinced me
Shyster : So ....the stark reality is this.....Bigot-Johnson is the best of the bunch
Member : I guess so.....and I think I speak for all of us
Shyster : Deserving of your vote ?
Member : Yes indeed
BRIDGE BOOKS FOR PLAYERS WITH RATHER DISCERNING TASTES..... ( As recommended by Pun )
- Believe Me , Our Days At This Club Are Numbered..................Lloyd L. Pass
- Guess What The Average Age Of A Bridge Player Is Today ?....A. T. Yerold
- Top Bridge Players With Split Personalities.............................Jacqueline Hyde
- Don't Play With Him , He's Real Poison...................................Dudley Knight-Shade
- No Need To Shout Partner , I Can Hear You.............................Loudon Kleer
- Going Down In A Cold Slam Cost Us The Trophy......................Major D. Aster
- You Can Take The Treasurer's Job And Shove It Up Your Arse.....Ike Witt
- I Can't Deny I Peeked At His Cards..........................................Esau Meduit
- What Can I Say About Our Uncompromising Chairman ?.........Stella Pratt
- In Bridge If Anything Can Go Wrong It Will...............................Murphy Slorr
- Committee Meetings Are Like Mad Hatter's Tea Parties..........Alison Wondaland
- I Pride Myself On Keeping To Best Behaviour Rules.................Laura Byder
Sunday, 16 February 2014
Friday, 14 February 2014
Bigot’s great escape : a true story when a complete stranger became my saviour...... ( as told by the man himself )
After another complaint about my behaviour I
genuinely believed my membership at the
Walnut Tree Allotment Society BC was about to be terminated. The first thing I remember is
sitting on a low stool in a committee room , cleverly made over to look like
a courthouse. Then through a side door entrance doors in marched several
stony–faced committee members.
As I looked around I then saw my latest
accuser : he was a villainous looking so-and-so who snarled, when his evil eye
caught mine. He definitely was the most obnoxious person I had ever encountered.
I sat down and looked to my immediate left and there sat a strange looking man,
who claimed to be my legal representative. Nevertheless , his appearance seemed
very familiar to me. The last person to arrive was the chairman , a man with an
agenda and a mission on his mind. He commanded an awesome presence as he moved
across the room. I couldn’t take my eyes off him. As he took his seat
behind the bench, he said “Let us begin.”
My accuser rose and said “ My name is Mr.
B.L. C. Bubb , and I am here to show you
why this man belongs in hell.” In a flash he started to rattle off a catalogue
of lies about defamatory statements I had made, terrible things that I done
at the table , and a great deal about my
past when I cheated him, and many others. He told the committee of other horrible
perversions that I engaged in outside the club, and the more he spoke the
further down in my seat I sank. I was so embarrassed that I couldn’t look at
anyone, even my own legal representative, as this demon prattled on about my
countless sins, many of which I knew nothing about.
As upset as I was about all these wicked
allegations and lies , I was equally upset at my representative who sat there
silently not offering any form of defence at all. Although I might have been
guilty of a few petty misdemeanours, I
had done some good in my life — at least
equal and possibly more in relation to the harm I may have done to others.
Nevertheless my accuser finished his tirade with a final and furious outburst :
“This man belongs in hell. He is guilty of all charges and he is not a person who can be trusted to
say otherwise. Justice must be served upon this scoundrel and reprobate this
very day.”
When it was his turn, my legal
representative first asked if he might approach the bench. The chairman
was compelled to allow this request , despite his own suspicions and the strong
objection of Mr. Bubb. He beckoned my counsel to come forward. As he got up and
started walking , I was able to see him in his full regalia and flowing robes. Now I realized why
he seemed so familiar. Goddamnit it was
Jesus Christ himself who was representing me : my Lord and Saviour. He stopped at the bench and softly
said to the chairman, “ Judge not a book by its cover,” and
then he turned to address the committee.
“ Mr. Bubb was correct in saying that Bigot
is a man who has had sinned. I won’t deny many of these allegations. And yes ,
many would argue that the wages of sins should warrant the termination of his membership
, and this man should certainly be punished in some way”. But then Jesus took a deep breath and turned
to the chairman with outstretched arms and proclaimed, “However,
I died on the cross so that this person might have be saved, and he has
accepted me as his Saviour, so he is mine ….a valuable new member to my flock……His
name is written in the book of life and no one can snatch him from me. Mr. Bubb
has failed to grasp the reality of the situation. You see my client ,
Bigot-Johnson , is nothing more than a pathetic , wayward , misunderstood man ,
who should be not given justice.... but as a saved sinner he is entitled to receive your
mercy and undying love .”
As Jesus sat down, He quietly paused, looked
at the chairman and concluded, “There is nothing else that needs to be said..... I’ve
said it all.”
The chairman , clearly moved by this defence
, lifted his bulbous hand and slammed the gavel down, and the following words
bellowed from his lips — “This man is free — he is now in the hands of the Lord.....case dismissed.”
As Jesus led me away I could hear Mr Bubb
ranting and raving, “I won’t give up, I’ll win the next one ”. So while Jesus
was giving me my instructions on repentance and reparation, I quietly ask him “Have you ever lost a case?”
Christ lovingly smiled and said : No …..never.... and as such all my successful clients , who have received through me salvation and redemption , get the same bill , which simply demands ”
payment in full “. And as a direct consequence , a divine miracle then takes place in
which every pound coming into their bank accounts immediately disappears into mine. “
Wednesday, 12 February 2014
BENIGN BRIDGE CLUB DRESS CODE AS LAID DOWN IN ITS ZERO TOLERANCE POLICY ( RULES 13 AND 14 )
The prime objective of this committee is to establish high standards along side an elegant ambiance within this club . Therefore , all members must adhere to a strict dress code on entering the premises. If suitably attired , then our outside no-nonsense , psychopathic , ex-military security staff will issue compliant members with a pass , which permits access to the club facilities.
Members may come in fashionable casual attire in order to enjoy the bridge experience , mixing and socialising with others in a desirable setting of affluence and refinement. Members will benefit from intermingling with those possessing a similar taste for style and panache , and that all important sense of occasion.
Under no circumstances whatsoever will the committee tolerate or allow the wearing of tank tops , T-shirts , cut-off jeans , shorts , exposed tattoos , sweat pants , joggers , flip-flops , sandals, work clothes , charity shop cast-offs , or anything else which is cheap , nasty , badly creased or in bad taste. Moreover , members must ensure that their outfits must be fresh and clean, and that goes for their bodies too. Therefore, it is paramount importance to arrive at the club having recently applied deodorants , perform, aftershave , toothpaste , mouthwash , soap and shampoo conditioners to relevant parts of their body, Anyone perceived to offend the eye or the nose of any surveillance officer as " lowering the tone of the premises " will be barred straightaway , and subsequently suspended for a month.
For members who have a real feel for that sense of occasion , the committee will expect the ladies to turn up in diamond studded evening dresses , and the men in tuxedos , plain white shirts , turn-up trousers and bow ties.
( Footnote : the committee's aim is to return bridge back to the halcyon days of the 1930's , where one felt privileged and honoured to be part of a grand event , which was both special and highly memorable )
The prime objective of this committee is to establish high standards along side an elegant ambiance within this club . Therefore , all members must adhere to a strict dress code on entering the premises. If suitably attired , then our outside no-nonsense , psychopathic , ex-military security staff will issue compliant members with a pass , which permits access to the club facilities.
Members may come in fashionable casual attire in order to enjoy the bridge experience , mixing and socialising with others in a desirable setting of affluence and refinement. Members will benefit from intermingling with those possessing a similar taste for style and panache , and that all important sense of occasion.
Under no circumstances whatsoever will the committee tolerate or allow the wearing of tank tops , T-shirts , cut-off jeans , shorts , exposed tattoos , sweat pants , joggers , flip-flops , sandals, work clothes , charity shop cast-offs , or anything else which is cheap , nasty , badly creased or in bad taste. Moreover , members must ensure that their outfits must be fresh and clean, and that goes for their bodies too. Therefore, it is paramount importance to arrive at the club having recently applied deodorants , perform, aftershave , toothpaste , mouthwash , soap and shampoo conditioners to relevant parts of their body, Anyone perceived to offend the eye or the nose of any surveillance officer as " lowering the tone of the premises " will be barred straightaway , and subsequently suspended for a month.
For members who have a real feel for that sense of occasion , the committee will expect the ladies to turn up in diamond studded evening dresses , and the men in tuxedos , plain white shirts , turn-up trousers and bow ties.
( Footnote : the committee's aim is to return bridge back to the halcyon days of the 1930's , where one felt privileged and honoured to be part of a grand event , which was both special and highly memorable )
USING HIS CUNNING AND STEALTH A ROGUE PANTOPOD LISTENS IN TO THE FOLLOWING CONVERSATION , TAKING PLACE IN THE BAR OF THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC
New member ( NM ) : " I'm surprised Bigot at the rate older members of the club seem to be disappearing
B-J : Ah...that's the way it is when the club is face with the acute problem of an ageing membership
NM : Some members perceive this exodus of oldies as bringing about a dramatic restructuring of the membership within the club
B-J : No .....you don't say
NM : Other members see it as a direct consequence of prevailing age discrimination attitudes getting out of control
B-J : No...you don't say
NM : Fools and cynics....of course.... both put it down to sinister forces at work
B-J : No....you don't say
NM : But I know better..... this change in the membership profile isn't just a random thing.....it has to be part of a plan
B-J : Well.... you're right there , it is.....because how else can change be implemented unless someone ...... who knows what is best for the club........ is at the helm directing it all
NM : What !....you mean this change have been directed.....by you ?
B-J : Indeed it has.....directed in accordance with the Grand Plan.......a visionary blueprint for the future of this great and noble club
NM : Oh , is that the plan which involves the ruthless thinning down of the membership until all dissidents , trouble-makers , scoundrels , rogues , decent and half-decent players have all gone.....leaving you and your cronies to slaughter...... over and over again..... at will...... the bunnies and the lambs that are left ?
B-J : Great Scott......why does nothing in this club ever remain secret ?
New member ( NM ) : " I'm surprised Bigot at the rate older members of the club seem to be disappearing
B-J : Ah...that's the way it is when the club is face with the acute problem of an ageing membership
NM : Some members perceive this exodus of oldies as bringing about a dramatic restructuring of the membership within the club
B-J : No .....you don't say
NM : Other members see it as a direct consequence of prevailing age discrimination attitudes getting out of control
B-J : No...you don't say
NM : Fools and cynics....of course.... both put it down to sinister forces at work
B-J : No....you don't say
NM : But I know better..... this change in the membership profile isn't just a random thing.....it has to be part of a plan
B-J : Well.... you're right there , it is.....because how else can change be implemented unless someone ...... who knows what is best for the club........ is at the helm directing it all
NM : What !....you mean this change have been directed.....by you ?
B-J : Indeed it has.....directed in accordance with the Grand Plan.......a visionary blueprint for the future of this great and noble club
NM : Oh , is that the plan which involves the ruthless thinning down of the membership until all dissidents , trouble-makers , scoundrels , rogues , decent and half-decent players have all gone.....leaving you and your cronies to slaughter...... over and over again..... at will...... the bunnies and the lambs that are left ?
B-J : Great Scott......why does nothing in this club ever remain secret ?
Tuesday, 11 February 2014
BIGOT-JOHNSON GIVES HIS STUDENTS AN IMPORTANT LESSON IN PROBLEM SOLVING....
" Students....as you know , in bridge you must never jump to sudden conclusions when dealing with a tricky problem. Sometimes you need to view the problem from a different position or perspective in order to find the right answer. Any bridge expert will tell you that solutions to problems often come from a lateral thinking approach.
Please allow me to illustrate this point. Many of you have all been told about the alleged evils of alcohol, and with that in mind I wish you to consider this problem. Here is a glass of water and a glass of whisky. In each glass I shall place two worms. Notice how the worms in water swim about happily , while the worms in whisky are writhing about in pain before sinking to the bottom .....dead as door nails.
So the problem is this : which liquid would you advise an overweight big meat lover to consume on a regular basis...and state the reasons behind your choice "
One student immediately stands up and says ; " It's bloody obvious....you advise this person to drink water if he wants to keep his body healthy and well , avoiding in the process any risk of pain and suffering "
Bigot could not believe what he was hearing. His face grew red with anger : " You will never make a bridge player , since you have failed to see the problem from the right perspective....the correct answer is , of course , the person needs to drink whisky "
" Why ? "
" Why ! ....I'll tell you why , you moron....because if the fat boy drinks whisky he wont get worms ! " .
" Students....as you know , in bridge you must never jump to sudden conclusions when dealing with a tricky problem. Sometimes you need to view the problem from a different position or perspective in order to find the right answer. Any bridge expert will tell you that solutions to problems often come from a lateral thinking approach.
Please allow me to illustrate this point. Many of you have all been told about the alleged evils of alcohol, and with that in mind I wish you to consider this problem. Here is a glass of water and a glass of whisky. In each glass I shall place two worms. Notice how the worms in water swim about happily , while the worms in whisky are writhing about in pain before sinking to the bottom .....dead as door nails.
So the problem is this : which liquid would you advise an overweight big meat lover to consume on a regular basis...and state the reasons behind your choice "
One student immediately stands up and says ; " It's bloody obvious....you advise this person to drink water if he wants to keep his body healthy and well , avoiding in the process any risk of pain and suffering "
Bigot could not believe what he was hearing. His face grew red with anger : " You will never make a bridge player , since you have failed to see the problem from the right perspective....the correct answer is , of course , the person needs to drink whisky "
" Why ? "
" Why ! ....I'll tell you why , you moron....because if the fat boy drinks whisky he wont get worms ! " .
Monday, 10 February 2014
NEWSFLASH : A BRITISH MOVIE " A BRIDGEMATE TOO FAR " PRODUCED AT THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BRIDGE CLUB FILM STUDIOS RECEIVES RAVE REVIEWS AS ITS PREMIER SHOWING AT CANNES FILM FESTIVAL ........
( A review by Pun )
Based on true story and directed by Howard Bigot-Johnson , " A Bridgemate Too Far " is a disaster war movie in which the West attempted to make a pre-emptive airborne strike against the North, only to see this ill-fated mission ( code name " grand slam " ) fail in a most spectacular and bloody way.
The Western forces commander decided to launch an attack on the North by means of airborne assault , one which was destined to become the most costly in the history of human conflict. Expecting the enemy to be completely demoralised from losses sustained in previous skirmishes , this bold and daring plan to launch a bridgemate deep into enemy territory seemed like a good idea at the time. However , the mission's objectives never had a chance in hell of being achieved. The planned landing destination proved to be a step too far. The enemy contrary to sketchy surveillance reports was in far better shape than first thought , and had more than enough resources to retaliate with devastating effect.
The film reveals how ( in hindsight ) the lack of information about the enemy's capacity to counter-attack proved fatal. Even words of caution from General Peter East " I think this could be a bridgemate too far " fell on deaf ears , with the Western allied commander in no mood to reconsider or delay his plan. As a consequence of his erroneous judgement , disaster was inevitable. With losses piling up by the thousand an important lesson , belatedly , had been learnt about the folly of carrying out an ill-conceived and ill-advised air strike.
The wisdom contained in the the old adage of " never bite off more than one can chew " was clearly evident , given how big and bold this grand slam mission was : one which required so many things to be right if there was going to be even the remotest chance of success .
( A review by Pun )
Based on true story and directed by Howard Bigot-Johnson , " A Bridgemate Too Far " is a disaster war movie in which the West attempted to make a pre-emptive airborne strike against the North, only to see this ill-fated mission ( code name " grand slam " ) fail in a most spectacular and bloody way.
The Western forces commander decided to launch an attack on the North by means of airborne assault , one which was destined to become the most costly in the history of human conflict. Expecting the enemy to be completely demoralised from losses sustained in previous skirmishes , this bold and daring plan to launch a bridgemate deep into enemy territory seemed like a good idea at the time. However , the mission's objectives never had a chance in hell of being achieved. The planned landing destination proved to be a step too far. The enemy contrary to sketchy surveillance reports was in far better shape than first thought , and had more than enough resources to retaliate with devastating effect.
The film reveals how ( in hindsight ) the lack of information about the enemy's capacity to counter-attack proved fatal. Even words of caution from General Peter East " I think this could be a bridgemate too far " fell on deaf ears , with the Western allied commander in no mood to reconsider or delay his plan. As a consequence of his erroneous judgement , disaster was inevitable. With losses piling up by the thousand an important lesson , belatedly , had been learnt about the folly of carrying out an ill-conceived and ill-advised air strike.
The wisdom contained in the the old adage of " never bite off more than one can chew " was clearly evident , given how big and bold this grand slam mission was : one which required so many things to be right if there was going to be even the remotest chance of success .
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