WHERE DO TOPS COME FROM ?.........( Article by Carp )

Ideally, they should come from superior bidding alongside superior card play. A situation where experts manage to cleverly engineer an auction towards an ideal outcome , which creates for them golden opportunities to seize and exploit to maximum effect.
Sadly however in the world of duplicate bridge tops usually arrive as unexpected gifts , courtesy of their opponents ;
- bidding misunderstandings in the bidding 
- gross underbidding and/or bidding 
- careless or inept play of the cards
- costly breaches of the rules ( incurring penalties or damaging restrictions )  
- revokes
- mechanical errors such as pulling out or playing the wrong cards
- crucial lapses of concentration
- magical thinking
- allowing emotions to take over from sound judgement
- an alarming inability to read the cards or piece clues together
Good scores are all to often the result of unforced errors , as in a game of tennis. Too many tops are undeserved, such as  arriving at a ridiculous , impossible slam only to make it against all the odds,  because of woeful and inept defence. If winners are deemed to be the players who make the least number of mistakes , it must also be true that winners  are those who profited most from mistakes committed by opponents than any other pair in the room.

NORTHERN PRO FACES UP TO AN ALARMING REALISATION...............

- Northern Pro ......why are you looking so worried ?  Is it because our scores are 
  too woeful to even talk about ?
- Partner , can't you see what's going on around here ? I'm the last of the 2 percenters. All
  the others have gone.........and I might be next
- But who are these 2 percenters ?
- Members who the chairman of old declared as the enemy in the camp. Members who 
  openly objected to the decisions being made by the committee. Members who needed 
  to be disciplined and removed. Members who left because no one was willing to hear
  or accept unpalatable truths.
- So how come you're still here ?
- By keeping a low profile and pretending to be everyone's friend
- Smart thinking
- Yes.....just the same thinking that was involved in the development of my incredibly
   brilliant bidding system
-  Of course......I should have guessed that....

NORTHERN PRO STEADFASTLY REFUSES TO ACCEPT ANY BLAME.............

- Northern Pro ....that minus 1100 on the last board was shocking
- Listen muppet-head I had to sacrifice in 5C since the opponents went to game in 4S
- But you triggered them into bidding by opening 1C in fourth position ! 
- Might I point out that my incredibly brilliant bidding system and hand valuation methods 
  warranted an opening bid......so let's look at the hand analysis sheet to see what the experts
  say
- Well....it says here.... " This hand should be passed out .....a guaranteed death trap for 
   whoever ends up as declarer "
- Oh.........but hold on.....why didn't you stop me bidding 5C by doubling them in 4S ?
- Sorry to remind you Northern Pro .....I did double them in 4S .....as well as doubling them 
   in 3S....both times for penalties
- Ah...but you failed to plant the double card on the table with sufficient force so as to get  
  the message across
- So am I to blame for this catastrophe ?
- Who else ....

NORTHERN PRO REJECTS THE EVERY DARK CLOUD HAS A SILVER LINING NONSENSE.....

- Partner........have you seen our score ?
- Indeed I have......it's bloody awful
- It's worst than awful ....it's an unmitigated disaster
- Yes....and it doesn't help you to establish your incredibly brilliant bidding system as one
   for the future
- No it doesn't
- Well , Northern Pro....why not try to see things my way and look on the bright side 
- What bright side ?
- The fact it hasn't damaged our average one iota
-  Partner ....how much do you value your life?

DIRTY BRIDGE IS THE ONLY WAY FORWARD..... ( Article by Carp )

Let's face facts here. Cheating in this game is so endemic , it seems that nothing can be done to eradicate it. Half the players who cheat are oblivious to the fact that their behavioural nuances are being picked up by their alert partners as providing valuable albeit unauthorized information about their hands. Facial expressions , body posture or movements , changes in tempo , and hesitations provide real " tells " . This means that in well established regular partnerships , other channels of communication run in tandem with the bidding and play of the cards.
But wait there may be a solution after all : SEGREGATION.
All clubs ( and tournaments ) should split into two. One group of players , namely the cheats , need to play against each other in the dirty bridge section where anything goes. Then each pair can be reassured that they are playing on a level albeit filthy playing field. No one is disadvantaged because everyone is equally active in the dark art of cheating.
The remaining saints and purists will form the other group where the playing field is clean , open and transparent. Players are are more likely to play with a multitude of partners , everyone keeping to simple bidding systems , committed to making all bids in tempo and retaining a calm , still , placid posture when involved in play. 
Having two clubs under one roof should not pose any problems. As for deciding which group to join there needs to be a criteria for playing in the clean bridge section, which if unmet means players are obliged to play dirty bridge. Criteria should include a previous history of never having partnered someone more than once a month. A reputation for having a dead pan face , and always bidding in tempo with hardly any variation in body movement and gestures. A track record of always being ethical , being the first to admit or confess to having made even the slightest transgression. 
When problems can't be eradicated , then people must learn to live and manage the problems. Hells bells why the Olympic Bodies don't run an event solely for the drug taking athletes is beyond me. Doing all this drug testing is not only a waste of money ( the cheats still find ways around it ) the problem is never likely to go away. Athletes have already started to look at each other with great suspicion. So let's have clean Olympic events running alongside the drug fuelled ones, which Russia no doubt will be eager to place all its athletes.  



  

AS AN AGEING BRIDGE PLAYER YOU KNOW YOU'RE OVER THE HILL.........

- when you still rely on a sat nav to get you to your local club on time
- when you begin every bridge conversation with " In my days... "
- when you can't find partners of similar ability because everyone's game is so much better
- when your get-up-and-go depends on whether you had prunes for breakfast
- when the only hands you can recall are those you played over 30 years ago
- when having cancelled bridge with your partner he then thanks God for the repreive 
- when you confuse having a clear conscience with a poor memory
- when afternoon bridge becomes more much appealing than evening sessions
- when you seek out partners who are either GPs or pharmacists
- when your club membership number is just a single digit
- when you know from personal embarrassment and shame the meaning of the word " numpty "
- when your partner comes over to help you cross your legs
- when you join beginner groups at other bridge clubs so as not to feel out of place
- when you can't sit still at the table without falling asleep
- when you wonder why the auction is taking so long oblivious to the fact it was your turn to bid
- when bridge books you first bought are now rare, highly sought after collectibles
- when club members ring you but only to ask for your partner's telephone number
- when down as stand-by , the only unpaired player left chooses instead to go home

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED................

• Honour : a virtue which all cheats at bridge fail to possess
• Zero tolerance : a glorious opportunity for officious, small minded committee members to strut about the club house like pompous little hitlers
• Ace : a term given to a player who can handle a flying bridgemate with exquisite technique and skill
• Expert : a meaningless almost redundant term given the vast number of club players who profess to be of that calibre
• Masterpoints : a clever, devious scheme designed to suck large sums of money out of players who feel compelled to embark upon a life-long quest to climb up the rankings ladder
• Cheat : a form of low life , a scourge of the game
• Fit : what every highly strung player tends to throw when things don't go according to expectation or plan
• Shape : what most male members are out of given the fact that they spend too much time sitting down to play bridge , when outdoor pursuits would clearly provide a much healthier option 
• AGM : synonym for a farce 
• Minutes : an aptly named document so brief in its content it takes no time at all to write up
• Director : a person renown as much for their knowledge of the rules as their bias towards players of influence and prestige
• Count : what takes place during an altercation when one player knocks another player to the floor
• Splinter : a small piece of wood often found in a head wound after a player has been set upon by his/her irate partner wielding a heavy duty baseball bat 

CHEAP AND NASTY BRIDGE BOOKS........( Research by Pun )

• To Say He Wants Revenge Is An Understatement ....................L. Bent
• My Partner Will Not Take Her Expulsion Lying Down.................Sheila Peel 
• Where To Go ? :  This Committee Is After Our Blood.................Ron N. Hyde
• The Info I've Got On The Committee's Shenanigans...................Dinah Mite 
• So Sorry About Over Doing The Victory Celebrations...............Carrie D. Whey
• What Stops You Coming Out To Play Weekend Bridge.............Erin Syde 
• Come On Everyone , Let's Get this Match Underway..................Egor Beaver
• High Stakes Rubber Bridge Is Costing Me A Fortune.................Wilma Moneylast
• What Does Your Hunchback Partner Do For A Living ?..............Belle Ringer
• Please Tell Me : Was That A Big Trump Or Not ?.........................Augusta Wynd
• I'll Tell You What Punishment Befits Undesirable Members !.......Bess Burnham
• Some Players Can Talk Bridge For Hours And Hours.................Willie Everstop

BIGOT-JOHNSON'S STRICT UNCOMPROMISING EXERCISE PROGRAMME FOR FAT , OVERWEIGHT , LAZY BRIDGE PLAYERS

Too many club members lack the fitness levels to play long sessions of bridge. Consequently it has become necessary for me  to whip them " into shape " through rigorous workouts. Indeed, members at the Slaughter House BC are now expected to undertake the following exercises :

Run for cover 
Jump through hoops
Push the boat out
Run the gauntlet
Join the rat race
Take a few running jumps
Pull out all the stops
Push up daises
Pull a few punches
Jump the gun
Be on the pull
Give other members a run for their money

BIGOT-JOHNSON'S KEEP FIT GUIDE FOR ALL BRIDGE CLUB CHAIRMEN.......

When you're in a position of power you need to be in good shape,  both mentally and physically.
A healthy body helps to keep a healthy mind , and therefore to achieve this you need to engage in my specially designed programme of keep fit exercises ( as listed below ) :

MAKE SURE AS CHAIRMAN YOU CONTINUE TO

Run the show
Jump down members' throats
Pull rank 
Push your weight around
Pull the plug on undesirable members
Run rings around your enemies
Pull a few strings
Make all the running
Jump ship when things go belly-up
Throw out any dead weight
Pull a few fast ones 
Swim with the tide when necessary
Jump the queue 
Run opponents ragged
Pull out all the stops
Cut and run

Finally , in the event of ever getting arrested  jump bail and stay on the run

MEANWHILE BACK IN THE BRIDGE CLUB BAR ROOM.....

BRIDGE BOOKS TO WONDER AND MARVEL OVER.......

• Be Grateful Partner ,  Getting An Average Is Still OK......................Arthur Lofe
• Now That's What I Call An Excellent Fit !..........................................Dick Welling
• What Did The Expelled Member Send To Our Chairman ?............Imelda Bomm
• If They Expel My Partner , He's Likely To Torch The Place..............Gus E. Wood  
• Partner , Don't Walk Off With All The Travellers................................Anne Demmin
• Why Don't We Have Some Fun And Goulash The Deals................Les B. Norty
• Members In This Club Don't Know How To Queue Properly...........Jocelyn Ann Pushin
• What Do You Think About The Club's Zero Tolerance Policy ?.......Loda Bollox
• Long Sessions Of Bridge Make Me Feel Tired and Lethargic........Jay Didman
• Partner, Will You Please Stop Butting In When I'm Talking.............. Billy Goat
• If Any Opponent Behaves Suspiciously Make A Note Of It...............Mark Hiskard
• What Happened At The AGM When Chairman Started Crying.......Cy Lance Reind   

AS AN AGEING BRIDGE PLAYER YOU KNOW YOU'RE OVER THE HILL........

- when you can't recall ever climbing up the hill 
- when you sit in a rocking chair but can't get it going
- when asked about your trump holding you say it's down to excellent bowel control
- when your knees buckle but your belt can't
- when you realize today that you were down to play with your partner in last night's duplicate
- when you're unable to vacate your seat because the gravitational pull is far greater than the
   strength of your leg muscles
- when you wake up feeling like you've had a night on the town only to realize you haven't
  been anywhere at all
- when you hear the snap, crackle and pop and that's even before you've sat down to eat 
   your breakfast cereal
- when you find it mentally taxing even to follow suit 
- when despite your capacity to retain water you are constantly leaking all over the place
- when bending over to pick up a dropped card you wonder what else you could possible do  
  while you are down there
- when you start asking the opponents about the meaning of your partner's bids
- when partner comments on your " monstrous cock up " you immediately look down at your 
   flies 

DR.JOHN'S CASE NOTES : SLAPPED CHEEK SYNDROME

Many people wrongly assume that this condition is a disease-based skin colouration of the face . This is not the case at all.
The original term " slapped face " was given to a syndrome possessed by bridge players , who suffered a barrage of flat hand slaps across the face as a consequence of their inept play and clueless bidding. Victims of this kind of assault quickly developed a bright red rash on their swollen cheeks. Even if the slaps were feather-weight ,  then the damage caused was often exacerbated by their acute embarrassment and shame of being exposed as useless puddings.
The motive behind their irate partners' aggressive behaviour was either to help them stay awake ,  or to vent their displeasure at having to suffer of ignominy of gifting undeserving opponents fortuitous tops. 
The consequence of repeated slapping often left the victims with permanent red rashes on their cheeks , which were never given time to heal. As for prevention the only option available was to stay alert and duck in time. Sadly , with the majority of the players having dull reflexes to match their slow and sluggish thinking , bridge clubs today still remain the haven of red faced numpties : the true and only victims of the slapped cheek syndrome.

HOW TO SPOT THE ULTIMATE BRIDGE PLAYING BIGOT...... ( Article by Bigot-Johnson )

In a world of bigotry I am in a league of my own. So when you next enter a room full of bigoted bridge players , the one who should get all the plaudits is the annoying bastard who possesses all the following giveaway personality traits and characteristics. These are listed as follows :

1.  Male ( of course )  
2.  Grossly exaggerates and overstates his ability at the game
3.  Condemns all other players , regardless of their status , as " muppets "
4.  Argues vehemently that all poor scores are down to bad luck and the fickle finger of fate
5.  Conversely , all good results no matter how fluky stem from his abundant talent and skill
6   Tendency to bully and browbeat ineffective directors on how rules ought to be interpreted
7.  An unshakable  belief that he knows all the answers to all the bridge questions ever posed
8.  In complete denial of all his shortcomings and failings
9.  Sees himself instead as a paragon of virtue and ethical correctness, when in fact the
     opposite is true
10. Forever holding court to disaffected listeners and unsuspecting newbies
11. Holds the most outrageous and contentious opinions on matters he knows nothing about
12. Ignorant to the point of abject embarrassment
13. Arrogant , irritating loudmouth
14. Bombastic , full of attitude , pomposity, vanity and self-importance
15. Hates to be quizzed, questioned or criticised
16. A bully but also a coward
17. Wallows in his own glory but refuses to acknowledge or applaud the achievement of others
18. Riddled with hypocrisy , prejudice and bias 
19. Obstinately devoted to his own opinions no matter how absurd or unreasonable they are
20. Blighted by irrational thinking , and deaf to those who offer good advice , sound judgement ,
       and wisdom 

If any club member ticks all those boxes then you have the ultimate bigot in your midst , who in my learned opinion clearly deserves like me some kind of special tribute award or medal. 

            ADVERTISEMENT :   ( by Bigot-Johnson
       Chairman of the Slaughter House Bridge
       Club )

       Why not give bridge a try. This is a game
       for young people with problem-solving
       minds to engage with others in a social
       and friendly environment.

       See the tension and excitement on the
       faces of those recently taken at a Friday
       night duplicate.  

   

        So please join up and help our average age
        fall below 75 .....but remember ladies it is
        compulsory to wear a hat and a coat at all
        times irrespective of whether the radiators 
        are on or not. 
        

THE NORTHERN PRO GETS CONFRONTED AGAIN .......

-Northern Pro ……what is this National

 Grading System all about ?

-It’s a way of measuring your current

 performance taking into account the

 strength of your partners, and the

 quality of the field you were playing

 against

-Amazing……so how come I’m ranked

 as a QUEEN while you’re classed only

 as a NINE

-Listening muppet-head……I’m sacrificing

 my status by partnering inept and useless

 bunnies….who fail to grasp ….like you…..

 the finer points of my incredibly brilliant

 bidding system                                                               

-Oh…..the very same players… who when

 playing simple ACOL with me get some 

 cracking good scores…..now what does

 that tell us ?                                                                           

-Partner….have you any idea what it’s

 like to have your tongue ripped out…

 and your head beaten to a pulp with a

 hammer ?

-No…..

-Well…..I suggest you shut up and respect

 the fact that the game is not about results

 but more about the way my exquisitely crafted 

 and beautifully abstract bidding sequences

 involve countless alerts with overly complex                                                     

 explanations

YET ANOTHER GREAT LIMERICK BY THE POETIC GENIUS DR. SIGMUND T. SCHUKELGRUBER.........

Many players take on many roles 
Like for instance Bridge Bigot Bowles 
He knew more than all the rest
Even the experts even the best
This arrogant King of the know-alls

ANOTHER POETIC MASTERPIECE FROM DR. SIGMUND T. SCHUKELGRUBER  ENTITLED " BASHING PARTNER BLUES "......based on and inspired by Kristian Leontiou's brilliant and moving song The Years Move On


Sometimes my distress just passes you by
I'm never appreciated or admired
You build me up just to knock me down
I can never get up for being dead tired

I try so hard to do things right
I've always wanted to play a part
But your sniping remarks hurt so much
They break my spirit and my heart


And as the boards move on and on
I've yet to play the cards the way you do

I hear your whispers of discontent
Hurtful comments which make me weep  
It's my ego here you've ripped to shreds
Making demands of me I cannot keep

Why on earth do you keep me on
I find it hard to understand
Is partner bashing your only true love
Rubbing my eyes with salt and sand

And so the boards move on and on
I still haven't the courage to leave you

The price I pay for playing this game
Is having to cope with feeling blue
These verbal bashings I regularly get
Are simply for never knowing what to do