BRIDGE BOOKS SOLD TO ME IN BROWN PAPER BAGS FROM UNDER THE COUNTER....... ( Pun incognito )

• What I Always Say To Cheats Who Arrive At My Table...................F. Hoff
• My Game Of Bridge Is Slightly Better Than Average.......................Maura Liss
• I Can't Play Today , I Really Overdid Last Night ..............................Dick Aiken
• The List Of Complaints Against Me Goes On Forever......................Miles Long
• Partner What On Earth Are You Doing With Your Hand ? ..............Holden McGroin
• Any Excuses Our Chairman Makes Are A Pack Of Lies..................Bill Loney
• Losing To Weak Opponents Makes Me Feel Wretched...................Lois Mee
• I'll Tell You What She Enjoys , More Than Playing The Cards........ Amanda Naggatt
• I'm Sorry I Can't Sit Still , I've Got A Problem Down Below..............Jenny Tillitch 
• Yes There Is Something I Prefer More Than Bridge........................Nicholas R. Lotts 

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED.............

Spade : 

1.  The boss suit
2.  A club member of afro-caribbean origion  ( a rare spectacle indeed )
3.  A handy item to have in the boot of your car when wishing to bury the charred remains of your ex-partner before a missing persons report is filed , or an item which is sorely needed when digging up the dirt on club members you have come to dislike 
4.  The surname of a  seedy-looking player you once knew called Sam 

Club :

1. The place where most male members go to escape their wives 
2.  A highly useful item to have on your person when seeking to end an altercation with a troublesome opponent in a robust and triumphant manner 
3. What you are likely to put your female partner in when playing away , perhaps succumbing to temptation and/or premature outbursts
4. An inferior suit which experts like to put to better use by employing a whole raft of artificial bids ( see the prepared club , two-club openers, stayman , gerber , landy )
5. Capable of having magical properties when opened at the one level by the Northern Pro

CHEATING ON ANOTHER LEVEL.............. ( Article by Carp )

In the bizarre world of bridge a curious and absurd situation has arisen now that duplimated boards have appeared on the scene.. This computorised process eliminates the need for hand shuffling , providing print outs of all the hands for players to read and analyse after the bridge session is over. With bridge clubs eager to embrace this wonderful computer technology , duplimated boards have rapidly become the norm in England for most tournaments , competition matches and duplicate sessions. 
When match boards are prepared in this automated way the only requirement is that procedure involved is subject to "satisfactory " security arrangements being in place. This choice of word in my view is a cop out. 
What is of fundamental importance is the need for tight control. This in turn necessitates " best " practice in establishing and setting up foolproof security arrangements, along with thorough and rigorous monitoring.
So what would constitute the very best security safeguards ?
Firstly , given the club and its appointed individuals might well receive ( via the computer ) hand data to program the duplimator , then this information itself must be kept in secure files with highly restricted access. So secure it is capable of thwarting even the most competent hackers. Moreover, these individuals should not be involved in any of the matches where these boards are going to be played. 
Secondly, these same individuals need to be above all suspicion , men/ women renown for the complete honesty, ethical behaviour , praised for their unwavering impartiality and integrity. People.... who would declare their allegiance towards and/or membership of other clubs where these duplimated boards might also be played. 
Thirdly, once the boards have been made up along with the printed hand-outs , they need to be immediately placed in a locked box inside a locked cupboard. Keys themselves should be limited to just two individuals who themselves can guarantee their safe keeping.
Finally , if prior to the match there is the slightest suspicion of foul play , the captain of the aggrieved team may exercise his/her right to replace the duplimated boards with hand shuffled ones , done there and then at the table with all four players in attendance. If suspicions arise during the match that certain players seem to possess an insight which amounts to detailed knowledge ( no matter how small ) about the hand , then these must be recorded in writing and thoroughly investigated. Indeed,  rumours have circulated around Yorkshire of a player involved in an inter-city match , who having some involvement in the preparation of the boards and print-outs , become the only player to bid and make a  grand slam in diamonds , which only made because of the fortunate layout of the cards.  
So yes , cheating can appear in many shapes and forms but prior knowledge of the hands is I believe on another much higher and more sinister level. Matches can be won or lost on two or three crucial boards where on some boards players would have done well to keep out of a doomed slam , while in other instances slams are bid , despite their poor odds , only to come rolling in. Once is good fortune. twice is co-incidence but three times there has to be something suspicious going on. Even if prior knowledge,  no matter how small or insignificant , arrives say by virtue of pre-match loose gossip, there is without doubt a serious breach of security. Any even when an eavesdropper doesn't have the opportunity to act upon it to his/her benefit that is no excuse to the justified accusation of a security breach.
Security must focus on the elimination of opportunities for cheating to occur. Those who act upon unauthorised information of this kind are the real cheats , but those who responsible for any lapse of security are equally at fault , aiding and abetting such a crime. The pursuit for a level playing field along side the crack down on cheating must be relentless. Security measures currently in place may appear to be good enough , but are they ? Vigilance is needed at all times, and players who regularly appear to have something more than just the gift on insight need to be carefully and discreetly investigated. Always get the evidence first before making any charges.   
   

DON'T PLAY BRIDGE ON THE INTERNET : GO TO A CLUB INSTEAD

Recent research from the UNIVERSITY OF THE BLOODY OBVIOUS ( an institution that should replace all other universities ) has warned that internet bridge is guaranteed to make us feel lonely and morose.

Social contact is what makes us human and behave like humans. Nothing beats face-to-face dialogue, group discussion and social banter. Staring at a screen , with eyes solely fixed on a virtual reality bridge table, playing with faceless partners against faceless opponents is no substitute for the real thing. Real interaction is what makes us happy. Social media generally is full of sad and lonely people claiming everything is OK and perfectly fine, when clearly the opposite is true.

Being a member of a warm welcoming bridge club is like being part of a wonderful family who all share the shame passion and interest in the game as you do. Jovial conversation , and real laughter is both infectious and uplifting. The flat and meaningless quickly typed comment followed by a LOL text reply offers no comparison whatsoever.. 

It's bloody obvious that internet bridge will become the final nail which seals the coffin on club bridge.  As old members and new enthusiasts turn into internet converts , they will remain blind to the fact that while technology seems to present opportunities to fill a social void, it creates in the long term a far greater one of hideous and frightening proportions. 

CALLING ALL BRIDGE CHEATS ( OF WHICH THERE ARE MANY ) .....IF YOU'RE GOING TO CHEAT THEN YOU NEED TO DEVELOP THE FOLLOWING SKILLS

1. A healthy disrespect for the integrity of the game and the rules designed to stop such an evil practice
2. Razor sharp rabbit-like hearing with the ability to tune into any table discussion anywhere in the room
3. An expertise in creating and combining a vast array of coded signals and gestures
4. A grossly misleading and/or incomplete system card
5. A complete mastery of giving out misinformation and incomplete explanations
6. Total control over your compliant partner-in-crime
7. The ability to play the innocent party appearing to be deeply shocked and horrified should anyone dare to suggest foul play at the table
8. Superb wide-angled long range vision 
9. An highly elastic, supple crane-like neck
10. An ability to take deviousness and cunning to unprecedented levels
11. To rid your conscience of all honesty , decency,  morals , and ethical principles
12. A ruthlessness a hardened psychopath would be proud of
13. To focus solely and absolutely on the results with a total disregard for the spirit and enjoyment of the game
14. An unrivalled ability to lie your way out of any situation
15. Staying firm and resolute , never succumbing to any feelings of shame , guilt or remorse

WHAT IS IT THAT MAKES THIS BEAUTIFUL GAME OF BRIDGE SO UNAPPEALING ?............... ( Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber's poem offers one possible answer )

I go to my club
And who do I see
Off putting players
As mean as can be
Those who sneer
Those who peer
Those who moan
Those who groan
The big-headed
The pig-headed
The reckless
The feckless
Those who bleat
Those who cheat
Those who lurk
Those who smirk
The officious
The malicious
The moody
The broody
Those who ponder
Those who squander
Those who brag
Those who nag
The elitist
The defeatist
The humpy
The grumpy


Such a great shame
They spoil this game

BRIDGE BOOKS WHICH PUN RECKONS ARE ABSOLUTE CRACKERS...........

• If He Makes This Slam The Match Is Lost.........................O. P. Fayles
• That Gift Of A Top Handed Us The Trophy.........................Evan Scent
• Yes I Admit That Every Seat I Vacate Is Always Wet..........I. P. Hallot
• I Can't Stand The Way He Looks At My Lady Partner........C. D. Auldman
• Many Bridge Players Cheat To A Lesser Extent..................Eve N. Mee 
• That Was The Only Decent Thing Our Ex-chairman Did....Stan Downe 
• We Need To Rid This Club Of Cheats Permanantly............Ann Mia Gunn
• He's Always Peeking At The Opponents' Cards................. B. D. Hyde
• You Need To Shout Out Loud To Call Over A Director .......Jess Holler
• If He Claims To Have Won Trophies Then He's Lying.........Fuller Bluster
• There's Something He Likes Doing More Than Bridge.......Roger Ringbuoys
• Anyone Guilty Of Cheating Deserves A Good Whipping.... A. T. Lashes

THE NORTHERN PRO TELLS HIS PARTNER THE HUGELY SIGNIFICANT FERTS PRINCIPLE BEHIND HIS INCREDIBLY BRILLIANT BIDDING SYSTEM......

WHEN IT COMES TO PLAYING CARDS AND MAKING LOVE......BIGOT IS ALWAYS IN A RUSH

THE NORTHERN PRO REVEALS THE RATIONALE BEHIND HIS INCREDIBLY BRILLIANT BIDDING SYSTEM.......

MEANWHILE BACK IN THE BRIDGE CLUB BAR ROOM

.......BIGOT-JOHNSON'S FRUITINESS COMES TO THE FORE 

THE 10 WORST CRIMES YOU CAN COMMIT AT THE BRIDGE TABLE.......( in rank bad order of heinous and outrageous behaviour )

1. Murder 
2. Plonking a bridgemate down underneath an opponent's nose
3. Assaulting an opponent 
4. Setting fire to or ripping up your scorecard
5. Smirking with glee at an opponent's mistake
6. Vacating your seat in a very damp state
7. Cheating of any kind in any form
8. Farting with gay abandon
9. Shouting obscenities at your hapless partner
10. Picking one's nose or sneezing out loudly

THE ULTIMATE CLUB SECRETARY : THE JOB SPECIFICATION


The ideal candidate needs to possess the following abilities , attributes and skills if wishing to become an effective bridge club secretary :

1.   Thick skinned and pig-headed
2.   Incapable of apologising or showing remorse
3.   A fantasist
4.   A master of brevity and spin 
5.   An expert in the art of giving out misinformation . disinformation and meaningless cliches
6.   Manipulative and controlling
7.   Full of guile and cunning
8.   Dogged and determined , never prepared to let things go , forgive or forget, bury the 
      hatchet, forget the past and acknowledge compromise as a sensible solution
9.   Power crazy
10. Fully committed to converting personal agendas into committee ones
11. Passionate about promoting despotism and nepotism within the officer ranks of the 
      committee 
12. A natural and egoistic hypocrite forever doing what she/he tells others they can't

A LOOK INTO THE FUTURE WHERE BRIDGE CLUBS ARE DYING BY THE THOUSANDS........ ( As depicted in a poem adapted from a Leonard Cohen classic ) 


The chairman called me over
She fumbled for my hand
" I want you to take my office
I'm giving you command "

" Command of what, there's no one left
There's only you and me
All the members are dead and gone
On that we can agree "

" Complain , complain ...that's all you've done
Ever since that awful cost
Of hefty sums on legal fees
For a case I'm afraid we lost "

" May Christ have mercy on you soul
Your actions were a sickening joke
This wretched episode destroyed our club
As valuable funds went up in smoke "

" I know that you have suffered more
But consider this for a while
Whatever makes an opponent sad
Always makes a declarer smile "

" Sorry but I'm leaving now
You need to surely understand
So get this into your tiny head
There's no point in making a stand 
There's no hope in members returning
They've all gone to pastures new
Everyone is into internet bridge
Where robots players are fair and true
My commitment to this club is done
You'll rally me no more
I don't even know what I'm doing here
What the club is  really for
I've spent far too long aboard this boat
Which has been leaking money fast
We are now in deep dark trouble
The die has been surely cast
I've read the recent AGM report
And most of it is grim if not black
There's no hope for any salvation
There's no chance of going back "

Now the chairman she was pleading
But I steadfastly refused the poisoned chalice
Why on earth would I take command
When my heart was racked with malice

BENIGN BRIDGE CLUB ( USA ) : COMMITTEE IMPOSES NEW RULES IN KEEPING WITH THE STRICT ZERO TOLERANCE REGIME

• The Committee is always right
• The Committee is never wrong
• Even if the Committee is wrong no one is allowed to comment on the fact
• Dissident members are to be classed as the scum of the earth
• Anyone who is regarded as a dissident member who will hounded out of the club
• Disciplinary hearings will always be conducted behind closed doors using all the bias and prejudice needed to get the bastards expelled     
• No one must ever mention the vast sums of money the Committee has wasted on obscene and financially crippling legal fees
• The Committee believes very strongly in giving members both disinformation and misinformation in order to maintain harmony and contentment within the ranks
• Elephants do not occupy Committee rooms despite the fact that huge piles of dung have been used as manure on the garden beds 
• Approved committee members expect to be voted in unopposed at the next AGM
• Any club member who does not vote properly will be taken to the cellars and starved to death
• All members will be obliged to swear on the Holy Bible that grovelling compliance , obedience and  loyalty are their primary duties 
• Every member is required to snitch on any other member who appears to be harbouring negative thoughts , attitudes and concerns about the never-ending shenanigans the Committee constantly get up to 
• For zero tolerance to work the Committee must be given a free reign to do as it pleases in a climate where forgiveness of human error is not an option 
• The days of asking errant members to sit on the naughty chairs are well and truly over , as the wood from these chairs will be used to build a state-of-the-art scaffold 

BRIDGE BOOKS SOME LADIES MIGHT FIND OFFENSIVE......

•  Whoever Farted At This Table Needs To Own Up Right Now.............Otis Mee
•  Club Chairman's Wasteful Expenditure Makes Front Page News......Ed Liner
•  Quite Frankly I Would Like To Shoot All Those On Committee...........Mo M. Downe
•  Why Do Lady Members Turn Up With Colour In Their Hair.................Fanny Green
• He's Threatening To Sue The Club For Wrongful expulsion................E. L. Knott-Duett
• I Need To Be Updated On The Latest Bridge Gossip............ ..............Phil Mehan 
• Madam Trust Me To Find You The Perfect Bridge Partner...................Dizzy Shagwell
• It's Easy To Spot Those Who Enforce Zero Tolerance Rules..............Jack Boots
• My Partner's Game Is Hopeless Now He's Turned To Drink................B. R. Waller
• My Partner Seems To Have So Much Energy And Go........................Dinah Moe 
• That Man Loves To Partner Juniors Who Are Still At School...............Roger Ringbuoys
• Winning Is Great When You Receive So Many Accolades..................Pat Sonya Backe 
• I Can Never Get A Good Result  Against This Cheating Dog............   Beau Geyman
• I Would Love To Play Bridge Around The Clock If Possible..................Diane Knight

BRIDGE : THE PERFECT IMPERFECT GAME....... ( Article by Carp )

Bridge is without doubt a most majestic and beautiful game. The irony of course is every one of its major imperfections plays an important part in making the game so perfect. These imperfections simply add to the enthralling challenge which faces each player at the table.
Some commentators have defined bridge as a two-person zero sum game in that it involves two players forming a partnership. Therefore it becomes immediately apparent that each player has to overcome imperfect recall. One or both will forget things they knew or have experienced in the past. Establishing a perfect wave-length and understanding with partner inevitably takes years of hard work and practice , an objective which unfortunately is never likely to come to fruition.
In some extreme cases a player might fail to recall what is on their convention card , what took place in the auction, what cards have been played during a hand , and what happened in near identical hands they encountered before. The absence of a perfect memory creates an imperfect recall, which becomes a difficult obstacle to overcome.
Another imperfection lies in the fact that during the early play of the hand so many cards remain hidden from view. With this degree of imperfect knowledge of who holds what , difficult decisions and choices have to be made. The challenge here to replace guesswork with logical deduction , clue analysis and sound judgement. Assumptions need to be drawn on all the evidence gathered to date, combined with an imperfect knowledge of the true statistical odds that apply at any given stage of the hand in play. Based on imperfect analysis at the start of play , players strive valiantly to identify the best lines of play , especially when more and more information comes to light. 
The reality of the game is that the number of possible bidding sequences in an auction, along with the possible sequences of cards being played , run into tens of thousands. This means that in a very large field various different contracts will be arrived at , and that the outcomes in an identical contract will vary enormously. An imperfect opening lead, continuation or switch is often the root cause of such diverse outcomes.
Players are required to make imperfect choices based on imperfect information. This imperfection might well be  (a) the lack of any information at all  or (b) misleading information , and (c) inadequate information leading to false assumptions and mistakes. The fact that any player at the table can be guilty of off-centre bids , psychs , and deceptive gambits , not to mention stupidity,  the idea that perfect information could exist is an absolute non-starter.  
However , the main reason why bridge is such an imperfect game is , I'm afraid , down to the fact that too many players cheat. Some of cheating is unintentional , petty and soft. Other forms of cheating have become hard , deliberate , calculating , intentional and highly sophisticated ( possibly undetectable ). The challenge here for the good honest players is to recognise its presence and to report their findings to the governing bodies , The problem here is that whatever suspicions and accusations are made , they must be supported by strong irrefutable evidence.
Finally , we come to the imperfections of each and every player , who will always fall the victim to The Human Condition. The majority of players are prone to lapses of memory , focus , concentration, discipline and ethical conduct. Directors are prone to an imperfect knowledge or interpretation of the rules , allowing prejudice and bias to determine their decisions. Noise and disturbances at other tables create an imperfect environment in which players struggle to maintain focus and concentration.
So yes ,  bridge becomes the perfect game in that players have to overcome all the imperfections inherent in the game. These added challenges are immense ,  but the beauty and majesty of the game makes each and every one worth taking on.    
  

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY .............

Trump :

(a) someone who talks out of his arse spewing hot air and offensive bile , an
      obnoxious megalomaniac renown for possessing all the vile characteristics of
      an arrogant,  racist, sexist male chauvinist 
(b) an american politician being one who clearly lives up to his name ( see above )
(c) a loud blast
(d) a card from the declared master suit which can beat any other card from the other suits
(e) a form of deceptive foolery often used by bridge players keen to persuade opponents
     into making false assumptions
(f)  a false allegation which an unscrupulous member will concoct and put forward to a 
     committee, in a bold attempt to get someone he/she dislikes thrown out of the club
(g) the name given to the loud stomping sound the elephant makes in the committee
     room in a vain attempt to be seen
(h) a bodily function which bridge players should refrain from doing during play , for fear 
     of embarrassment and/or severe reprimand from over zealous , zero tolerance 
     enforcement officers  

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY........ 

• Pre-emptive raise : getting excited even before catching sight of an attractive lady opponent heading your way
• Danger hand : the one that your irate partner delivers from behind to smack your woolly thick head into gear 
• Losing trick count : a negative and pessimistic approach to assessing the trick potential of your hand
• Top of nothing : coming first in a field full of novices and clueless rabbits
• Direction : the flight path chosen by the pilot of a flying bridgemate
• Responsive double : a large whisky consumed during the interval which galvanises a player into staying alert and performing better
• Rectifying the count : being made to calculate the correct number of tricks your side has taken, having previously inflated the total 
• Menace : the term given to a crazed, cavalier and maverick pilot of a flying bridgemate
• Balancing : having to earn countless brownie points from your wife in order to gain essential pass outs for evening and/or weekend bridge
• Top : what an overly demanding player will blow when his/her partner cocks up a bog-standard defence

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED.......AGAIN

• Hesitations : the communication technique preferred by most cheating pairs 
• 4th position : the one likely to be occupied at the end of the day by a team of rabbits in a field of four 
• Agenda :  a list drawn up by a committee naming all those undesirable members it intends to get rid of
• Misfits :  the common term to describe partnerships where players operate on completely different wavelengths
• Good raise :  what an easily excited player experiences when an attractive lady arrives at his table
• Trump echo : the phenomenon  of a player's rather loud and smelly fart bouncing off a wall for a second attack on members' rather sensitive sense of smell
• Trial bid : when a club opts to take a dispute to court rather than seeking much more cost-effective options such as mediation and arbitration
• Rule of eleven : the number of cards a player should have left in his hand after the first two tricks have been taken
• Smother play : what any player would like to do to his inept partner if a cushion happens to be close at hand
• Switch : the action of an intolerant unforgiving player who quickly replaces one partner for another in his/her hopeless quest for flawless bridge