THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED .......

• Average - the term which perfectly describes up to 95% of all people who purport to play bridge :  their ability to improve is severely restricted by their inability to think and/or count
• Expert - the grossly absurd and delusional belief an average player has of himself/herself
• MUD - what usually gets slung around at committee meetings when members start falling out with each other
• Field - a place where seeded players rise above the riff raff to reap and harvest the spoils 
• Ladders - ranking lists which aspiring players like to climb in order to look down on those less gifted themselves with joyous contempt
• Good raise - the essential attribute a needy lady player expects of her male partner before play commences
• Pack - what any devious chairman aims to do at important AGMs by filling every single seat with committee supporters : a tactic more commonly known as gerrymandering
• Suit - the practice sheep-like members adopt at AGMs when following the lead of their highly controlling and manipulative chairman
• Spot - the awkward and embarrassing position a less than ethical player finds him/herself in when accused and exposed as a cheat
• Rank - a term which appropriately describes the smell which emanates from the seat recently vacated by an elderly player not well versed in personal hygiene matters  

MORE EXCITING BRIDGE BOOKS UNEARTHED ........
( by gardening guru Pun )

• I'll Give You One Good Reason Why You Need Me As A Partner.........Ima Weiner
• To Say I'm Upset Partner Is A Gross Understatement !....... .................Fuller Roth
• This Sort Of Thing Will Not Be Tolerated In Our Club....................Annie R. G. Bargie
• My Tactics Are To Lull My Opponents Into A Soporific State.................Sarah Nade
• After Coming Out On Top I Just Want To Get Up And Dance................Tina C. Walls
• Now That's A Bidding System I Could Really Take To............................Mortimer Likin
• That Opponent Is So Uncouth He's Worse Than A Heathen..................Phil S, Stein
• Did I Lose My Rag When I Noticed Our Opponents Cheating !...............Kirsten Sworr
• Sorry Partner, I Find Your Beauty So Alluring And Appealing.................Dick Stillard
• For Pity's Sake Partner Will You Please Stop Getting At Me..................Lee Vitoff

THE LATEST CROP OF BEST SELLING BRIDGE BOOKS..................... ( Information harvested by Pun ) 

• Partner What Was Your Reasoning For Bidding That Slam ?...........Justin Hope
• I'll Tell You What's Happening To This Great Game Of Ours.............Di N. Fershaw
• For Crying Out Loud Why Does No One Listen To Me ?...................Pete Sake
• Her Speciality Is Carving Up Weak And Helpless Opponents............Angela Deth
• This Is The Saddest Bridge Story You'll Ever Come Across..............T. R. Jerker
• Committee Members Here Run This Club With An Iron Fist .... ........Gus Tarpeau 
• What Would Be An Appropriate Message To Send Our Chairman?...Aretha Flowers 
• Heavens above If You Ever Get Our Chairman Into Your Sights.......Ava Pott
• And Should You Get The Club Secretary Into Your Sights................Phil R. Withe-Ledd
• I Know What I'm Gonna Do To Raise Money For This Club...............Selma Bodie

WALNUT TREE ALLOTMENT SOCIETY BC DISCIPLINARY HEARING   ( No. 642 )

The club was forced to introduce in 2015 much stricter rules requiring players to treat one another with utmost respect and politeness.  However despite chairman Bigot-Johnson's bold initiative ,  Neil Peck found himself before the committee following a complaint by a member , who was sitting at the table when the alleged incident occurred. 

Chairman : As the main complainant and key witness.......please tell the committee what took place at the table that gave rise to your concern ?
Complainant : Neil called his partner " a prune ".......
( Gasps of horror and revulsion filled the room from all committee members and onlookers keeled over in shock )
Chairman : That's terrible.......calling someone " a prune " in front of others amounts to a wicked and wilful breach of our newly imposed best behaviour rules. If some arsehole like Neil said that to me I'd kill the foul-mouthed bastard there and then.
Neil : Excuse me ......I would like to say something
Chairman : If you must.....you uncaring , uncouth , obnoxious toe-rag
Neil : My partner played bridge all night like " a prune " and therefore deserved such a label
Chairman : No one deserves to be insulted like that.....you're both vicious and vindictive
Neil : It wasn't an insult. It was a statement of fact based on hard evidence of his play at the table. The truth needed to come out........
Chairman : So what had this numbskull of a partner done to be condemned and reviled like that ?
Neil : Well, as I said earlier he had been playing all evening like a complete arse-hole
( More loud gasps from around the jam-packed committee room , which included Neil's partner and others desperate for juicy gossip and cheap entertainment.) 
Chairman : That's still no excuse for calling him a prune
Neil : So what would you do... or say...... to your partner if he failed to make a single heart trick when holding J108 in one hand and K96 in the other ?
Chairman : I would call him " a tosser "
Neil : And then fail to cash an established winner ?
Chairman : Christ amighty ...the man must be a complete moron
Neil : Not to mention marooning himself from dummy where he had two other established winners
Chairman : I cannot believe any man could be so INEPT ,CLUELESS, STUPID, OFF-HIS-HEAD , AND BRAIN -DEAD ...... my God.....what a  COMPLETE TWAT he must be
Neil : Exactly
Chairman : But having said all that....... your behaviour at the table leaves us with no choice but to ban you from this club
Neil : Hold on a mo......what you just said about him was far far worse
Chairman : Ah... that may be true.......However ,what is said by committee members during committee work is exempt from rules which only apply to behaviour at the table. By having double standards like this we can get rid of foul-mouthed scumbags like you ,  whilst making most of this heaven sent opportunity to slag you off without fear or recrimination.
( Applause echoes all around the room as Neil is shown the door by two burly stewards )

   

BRIDGE BOOKS SOLD TO ME IN BROWN PAPER BAGS FROM UNDER THE COUNTER....... ( Pun incognito )

• What I Always Say To Cheats Who Arrive At My Table...................F. Hoff
• My Game Of Bridge Is Slightly Better Than Average.......................Maura Liss
• I Can't Play Today , I Really Overdid Last Night ..............................Dick Aiken
• The List Of Complaints Against Me Goes On Forever......................Miles Long
• Partner What On Earth Are You Doing With Your Hand ? ..............Holden McGroin
• Any Excuses Our Chairman Makes Are A Pack Of Lies..................Bill Loney
• Losing To Weak Opponents Makes Me Feel Wretched...................Lois Mee
• I'll Tell You What She Enjoys , More Than Playing The Cards........ Amanda Naggatt
• I'm Sorry I Can't Sit Still , I've Got A Problem Down Below..............Jenny Tillitch 
• Yes There Is Something I Prefer More Than Bridge........................Nicholas R. Lotts 

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED.............

Spade : 

1.  The boss suit
2.  A club member of afro-caribbean origion  ( a rare spectacle indeed )
3.  A handy item to have in the boot of your car when wishing to bury the charred remains of your ex-partner before a missing persons report is filed , or an item which is sorely needed when digging up the dirt on club members you have come to dislike 
4.  The surname of a  seedy-looking player you once knew called Sam 

Club :

1. The place where most male members go to escape their wives 
2.  A highly useful item to have on your person when seeking to end an altercation with a troublesome opponent in a robust and triumphant manner 
3. What you are likely to put your female partner in when playing away , perhaps succumbing to temptation and/or premature outbursts
4. An inferior suit which experts like to put to better use by employing a whole raft of artificial bids ( see the prepared club , two-club openers, stayman , gerber , landy )
5. Capable of having magical properties when opened at the one level by the Northern Pro

CHEATING ON ANOTHER LEVEL.............. ( Article by Carp )

In the bizarre world of bridge a curious and absurd situation has arisen now that duplimated boards have appeared on the scene.. This computorised process eliminates the need for hand shuffling , providing print outs of all the hands for players to read and analyse after the bridge session is over. With bridge clubs eager to embrace this wonderful computer technology , duplimated boards have rapidly become the norm in England for most tournaments , competition matches and duplicate sessions. 
When match boards are prepared in this automated way the only requirement is that procedure involved is subject to "satisfactory " security arrangements being in place. This choice of word in my view is a cop out. 
What is of fundamental importance is the need for tight control. This in turn necessitates " best " practice in establishing and setting up foolproof security arrangements, along with thorough and rigorous monitoring.
So what would constitute the very best security safeguards ?
Firstly , given the club and its appointed individuals might well receive ( via the computer ) hand data to program the duplimator , then this information itself must be kept in secure files with highly restricted access. So secure it is capable of thwarting even the most competent hackers. Moreover, these individuals should not be involved in any of the matches where these boards are going to be played. 
Secondly, these same individuals need to be above all suspicion , men/ women renown for the complete honesty, ethical behaviour , praised for their unwavering impartiality and integrity. People.... who would declare their allegiance towards and/or membership of other clubs where these duplimated boards might also be played. 
Thirdly, once the boards have been made up along with the printed hand-outs , they need to be immediately placed in a locked box inside a locked cupboard. Keys themselves should be limited to just two individuals who themselves can guarantee their safe keeping.
Finally , if prior to the match there is the slightest suspicion of foul play , the captain of the aggrieved team may exercise his/her right to replace the duplimated boards with hand shuffled ones , done there and then at the table with all four players in attendance. If suspicions arise during the match that certain players seem to possess an insight which amounts to detailed knowledge ( no matter how small ) about the hand , then these must be recorded in writing and thoroughly investigated. Indeed,  rumours have circulated around Yorkshire of a player involved in an inter-city match , who having some involvement in the preparation of the boards and print-outs , become the only player to bid and make a  grand slam in diamonds , which only made because of the fortunate layout of the cards.  
So yes , cheating can appear in many shapes and forms but prior knowledge of the hands is I believe on another much higher and more sinister level. Matches can be won or lost on two or three crucial boards where on some boards players would have done well to keep out of a doomed slam , while in other instances slams are bid , despite their poor odds , only to come rolling in. Once is good fortune. twice is co-incidence but three times there has to be something suspicious going on. Even if prior knowledge,  no matter how small or insignificant , arrives say by virtue of pre-match loose gossip, there is without doubt a serious breach of security. Any even when an eavesdropper doesn't have the opportunity to act upon it to his/her benefit that is no excuse to the justified accusation of a security breach.
Security must focus on the elimination of opportunities for cheating to occur. Those who act upon unauthorised information of this kind are the real cheats , but those who responsible for any lapse of security are equally at fault , aiding and abetting such a crime. The pursuit for a level playing field along side the crack down on cheating must be relentless. Security measures currently in place may appear to be good enough , but are they ? Vigilance is needed at all times, and players who regularly appear to have something more than just the gift on insight need to be carefully and discreetly investigated. Always get the evidence first before making any charges.   
   

DON'T PLAY BRIDGE ON THE INTERNET : GO TO A CLUB INSTEAD

Recent research from the UNIVERSITY OF THE BLOODY OBVIOUS ( an institution that should replace all other universities ) has warned that internet bridge is guaranteed to make us feel lonely and morose.

Social contact is what makes us human and behave like humans. Nothing beats face-to-face dialogue, group discussion and social banter. Staring at a screen , with eyes solely fixed on a virtual reality bridge table, playing with faceless partners against faceless opponents is no substitute for the real thing. Real interaction is what makes us happy. Social media generally is full of sad and lonely people claiming everything is OK and perfectly fine, when clearly the opposite is true.

Being a member of a warm welcoming bridge club is like being part of a wonderful family who all share the shame passion and interest in the game as you do. Jovial conversation , and real laughter is both infectious and uplifting. The flat and meaningless quickly typed comment followed by a LOL text reply offers no comparison whatsoever.. 

It's bloody obvious that internet bridge will become the final nail which seals the coffin on club bridge.  As old members and new enthusiasts turn into internet converts , they will remain blind to the fact that while technology seems to present opportunities to fill a social void, it creates in the long term a far greater one of hideous and frightening proportions. 

CALLING ALL BRIDGE CHEATS ( OF WHICH THERE ARE MANY ) .....IF YOU'RE GOING TO CHEAT THEN YOU NEED TO DEVELOP THE FOLLOWING SKILLS

1. A healthy disrespect for the integrity of the game and the rules designed to stop such an evil practice
2. Razor sharp rabbit-like hearing with the ability to tune into any table discussion anywhere in the room
3. An expertise in creating and combining a vast array of coded signals and gestures
4. A grossly misleading and/or incomplete system card
5. A complete mastery of giving out misinformation and incomplete explanations
6. Total control over your compliant partner-in-crime
7. The ability to play the innocent party appearing to be deeply shocked and horrified should anyone dare to suggest foul play at the table
8. Superb wide-angled long range vision 
9. An highly elastic, supple crane-like neck
10. An ability to take deviousness and cunning to unprecedented levels
11. To rid your conscience of all honesty , decency,  morals , and ethical principles
12. A ruthlessness a hardened psychopath would be proud of
13. To focus solely and absolutely on the results with a total disregard for the spirit and enjoyment of the game
14. An unrivalled ability to lie your way out of any situation
15. Staying firm and resolute , never succumbing to any feelings of shame , guilt or remorse

WHAT IS IT THAT MAKES THIS BEAUTIFUL GAME OF BRIDGE SO UNAPPEALING ?............... ( Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber's poem offers one possible answer )

I go to my club
And who do I see
Off putting players
As mean as can be
Those who sneer
Those who peer
Those who moan
Those who groan
The big-headed
The pig-headed
The reckless
The feckless
Those who bleat
Those who cheat
Those who lurk
Those who smirk
The officious
The malicious
The moody
The broody
Those who ponder
Those who squander
Those who brag
Those who nag
The elitist
The defeatist
The humpy
The grumpy


Such a great shame
They spoil this game

BRIDGE BOOKS WHICH PUN RECKONS ARE ABSOLUTE CRACKERS...........

• If He Makes This Slam The Match Is Lost.........................O. P. Fayles
• That Gift Of A Top Handed Us The Trophy.........................Evan Scent
• Yes I Admit That Every Seat I Vacate Is Always Wet..........I. P. Hallot
• I Can't Stand The Way He Looks At My Lady Partner........C. D. Auldman
• Many Bridge Players Cheat To A Lesser Extent..................Eve N. Mee 
• That Was The Only Decent Thing Our Ex-chairman Did....Stan Downe 
• We Need To Rid This Club Of Cheats Permanantly............Ann Mia Gunn
• He's Always Peeking At The Opponents' Cards................. B. D. Hyde
• You Need To Shout Out Loud To Call Over A Director .......Jess Holler
• If He Claims To Have Won Trophies Then He's Lying.........Fuller Bluster
• There's Something He Likes Doing More Than Bridge.......Roger Ringbuoys
• Anyone Guilty Of Cheating Deserves A Good Whipping.... A. T. Lashes

THE NORTHERN PRO TELLS HIS PARTNER THE HUGELY SIGNIFICANT FERTS PRINCIPLE BEHIND HIS INCREDIBLY BRILLIANT BIDDING SYSTEM......

WHEN IT COMES TO PLAYING CARDS AND MAKING LOVE......BIGOT IS ALWAYS IN A RUSH

THE NORTHERN PRO REVEALS THE RATIONALE BEHIND HIS INCREDIBLY BRILLIANT BIDDING SYSTEM.......

MEANWHILE BACK IN THE BRIDGE CLUB BAR ROOM

.......BIGOT-JOHNSON'S FRUITINESS COMES TO THE FORE 

THE 10 WORST CRIMES YOU CAN COMMIT AT THE BRIDGE TABLE.......( in rank bad order of heinous and outrageous behaviour )

1. Murder 
2. Plonking a bridgemate down underneath an opponent's nose
3. Assaulting an opponent 
4. Setting fire to or ripping up your scorecard
5. Smirking with glee at an opponent's mistake
6. Vacating your seat in a very damp state
7. Cheating of any kind in any form
8. Farting with gay abandon
9. Shouting obscenities at your hapless partner
10. Picking one's nose or sneezing out loudly

THE ULTIMATE CLUB SECRETARY : THE JOB SPECIFICATION


The ideal candidate needs to possess the following abilities , attributes and skills if wishing to become an effective bridge club secretary :

1.   Thick skinned and pig-headed
2.   Incapable of apologising or showing remorse
3.   A fantasist
4.   A master of brevity and spin 
5.   An expert in the art of giving out misinformation . disinformation and meaningless cliches
6.   Manipulative and controlling
7.   Full of guile and cunning
8.   Dogged and determined , never prepared to let things go , forgive or forget, bury the 
      hatchet, forget the past and acknowledge compromise as a sensible solution
9.   Power crazy
10. Fully committed to converting personal agendas into committee ones
11. Passionate about promoting despotism and nepotism within the officer ranks of the 
      committee 
12. A natural and egoistic hypocrite forever doing what she/he tells others they can't

A LOOK INTO THE FUTURE WHERE BRIDGE CLUBS ARE DYING BY THE THOUSANDS........ ( As depicted in a poem adapted from a Leonard Cohen classic ) 


The chairman called me over
She fumbled for my hand
" I want you to take my office
I'm giving you command "

" Command of what, there's no one left
There's only you and me
All the members are dead and gone
On that we can agree "

" Complain , complain ...that's all you've done
Ever since that awful cost
Of hefty sums on legal fees
For a case I'm afraid we lost "

" May Christ have mercy on you soul
Your actions were a sickening joke
This wretched episode destroyed our club
As valuable funds went up in smoke "

" I know that you have suffered more
But consider this for a while
Whatever makes an opponent sad
Always makes a declarer smile "

" Sorry but I'm leaving now
You need to surely understand
So get this into your tiny head
There's no point in making a stand 
There's no hope in members returning
They've all gone to pastures new
Everyone is into internet bridge
Where robots players are fair and true
My commitment to this club is done
You'll rally me no more
I don't even know what I'm doing here
What the club is  really for
I've spent far too long aboard this boat
Which has been leaking money fast
We are now in deep dark trouble
The die has been surely cast
I've read the recent AGM report
And most of it is grim if not black
There's no hope for any salvation
There's no chance of going back "

Now the chairman she was pleading
But I steadfastly refused the poisoned chalice
Why on earth would I take command
When my heart was racked with malice

BENIGN BRIDGE CLUB ( USA ) : COMMITTEE IMPOSES NEW RULES IN KEEPING WITH THE STRICT ZERO TOLERANCE REGIME

• The Committee is always right
• The Committee is never wrong
• Even if the Committee is wrong no one is allowed to comment on the fact
• Dissident members are to be classed as the scum of the earth
• Anyone who is regarded as a dissident member who will hounded out of the club
• Disciplinary hearings will always be conducted behind closed doors using all the bias and prejudice needed to get the bastards expelled     
• No one must ever mention the vast sums of money the Committee has wasted on obscene and financially crippling legal fees
• The Committee believes very strongly in giving members both disinformation and misinformation in order to maintain harmony and contentment within the ranks
• Elephants do not occupy Committee rooms despite the fact that huge piles of dung have been used as manure on the garden beds 
• Approved committee members expect to be voted in unopposed at the next AGM
• Any club member who does not vote properly will be taken to the cellars and starved to death
• All members will be obliged to swear on the Holy Bible that grovelling compliance , obedience and  loyalty are their primary duties 
• Every member is required to snitch on any other member who appears to be harbouring negative thoughts , attitudes and concerns about the never-ending shenanigans the Committee constantly get up to 
• For zero tolerance to work the Committee must be given a free reign to do as it pleases in a climate where forgiveness of human error is not an option 
• The days of asking errant members to sit on the naughty chairs are well and truly over , as the wood from these chairs will be used to build a state-of-the-art scaffold 

BRIDGE BOOKS SOME LADIES MIGHT FIND OFFENSIVE......

•  Whoever Farted At This Table Needs To Own Up Right Now.............Otis Mee
•  Club Chairman's Wasteful Expenditure Makes Front Page News......Ed Liner
•  Quite Frankly I Would Like To Shoot All Those On Committee...........Mo M. Downe
•  Why Do Lady Members Turn Up With Colour In Their Hair.................Fanny Green
• He's Threatening To Sue The Club For Wrongful expulsion................E. L. Knott-Duett
• I Need To Be Updated On The Latest Bridge Gossip............ ..............Phil Mehan 
• Madam Trust Me To Find You The Perfect Bridge Partner...................Dizzy Shagwell
• It's Easy To Spot Those Who Enforce Zero Tolerance Rules..............Jack Boots
• My Partner's Game Is Hopeless Now He's Turned To Drink................B. R. Waller
• My Partner Seems To Have So Much Energy And Go........................Dinah Moe 
• That Man Loves To Partner Juniors Who Are Still At School...............Roger Ringbuoys
• Winning Is Great When You Receive So Many Accolades..................Pat Sonya Backe 
• I Can Never Get A Good Result  Against This Cheating Dog............   Beau Geyman
• I Would Love To Play Bridge Around The Clock If Possible..................Diane Knight