THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY................ ( alternative definitions )

• Post mortem : an essential exercise in transferring blame onto others
• Bid : something that is supposed to communicate useful information about a player's hand
• Dingo Principle : a rule that evolved from the intensely competitive bridge arenas from down under, which promotes the dog-eat-dog attitude that " it's every bastard for himself "
• Traveller : a tight-fisted player who always manages to negotiate free lifts off others to away matches
• Direction : what most visiting players usually ask for on arrival when seeking urgent relief
• Director : the very person who is best equipped to tell visitors the quickest route to the toilets. Usually referred to as the " TD ", which of course stands for toilet director.
• Heart stopper : a term given to any comment made to a player which causes immediate panic or alarm, such as " yesterday partner, when I was with your wife, I showed her my stiff ... whereupon she immediately jumped me..... "
• Palooka : a member of the largest fraternity within any bridge club the world over. Palookas will elevate themselves to a status or position that woefully exposes their gross limitations. Often these idiots will insist on having the last word, oblivious to the fact that everyone has left the room.
• Bridgemate : regarded in some clubs as the ultimate offensive weapon. Its first reported use was made by a pig trader who saw it hurtle through the air towards his unsuspecting bridge partner, a split-second after the object had been snatched from his hand by an irate opponent.